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He looks forward to the next day.
It’s been too long since such a feeling has existed in his state of mind, and he’s determined not to let it slip away. It’s refreshing not having to wake up to an empty heart where loneliness greets him with open arms. He’s spent the last few years standing at the edge of his ship, leaning against the hull and staring out at the sea. Its mild waves have never posed a threat to him, but ever since Milah died, the ocean has been haunting him frequently; whispering Killian Killian Killian in his sleep, in Milah's voice.
He had even considered jumping in himself once, just to be reunited with her. It’s soothing to believe that he will see her again, even if he has to wait an eternity. To cheat fate is a splendid temptation, but not before he exacts his revenge on Rumplestiltskin. It’s the only fuel that has kept him going all these years, and now that he’s learned the true identity of Baelfire, the task doesn't seem quite as impossible as he has been led to believe time and time again.
It’s incredible how similar Baelfire is to his mother. For the first few weeks he treats Killian with hostility, and the pirate notices that the boy sulks just like his mother.
Sometimes Killian takes umbrage at the insults Baelfire hurls at him: What would you know about love, pirate? I believe whoever has so much as looked at you in such a way must either be blind or loved you out of pity.
Killian wants to yell at him, to defend himself; he wants to tell Baelfire that he knows absolutely nothing about pirates.
But when he looks at the boy, all he sees are Milah’s soft eyes and Milah’s dark hair and Milah’s tenuous spirit, and then suddenly his voice is nowhere to be found; his face crumples and he just turns away, slamming the door to his quarters behind him.
Sometimes Killian persuades Baelfire to give his crew a chance. He tells him of his past, whether the boy wants to hear it or not; he tells him of the kingdom he hails from, about his brother Liam, and how he came to be a pirate. He has never told a soul about his history—he even left some bits out when he spoke to Milah. But Baelfire is different; his company changes something in Killian. He can’t explain it, but it makes him strive to be more than what he always has been. Baelfire is a beacon of hope for him. Killian and Milah had spoken of plans to go back; to take Baelfire with them. Perhaps now is the chance to make good of those plans and start a life that she had always wanted for them.
After Baelfire hears all the pieces of his story, the hostile behaviour grows less. He comes out of his quarters more often, he doesn't refuse the food that Killian delivers, and he even goes as far as asking the pirate about all the unusual places he’s travelled to.
Over time, Killian’s chest doesn't feel so hollow anymore. The presence of the boy brings warm memories of Milah, and he no longer feels sad when he thinks about her.
Yet it doesn't erase his razor-sharp appetite for vengeance one bit.
It’s the third time Baelfire’s inquired about Neverland. Killian tightens his jaws. He can’t think of a single good attribute of Neverland. He has never understood the allure of the damned island, but he supposes that if he had been an abandoned boy who knows of a place where other forsaken souls could escape to, then perhaps he would be interested as well.
He sighs and looks at Baelfire, whose eyes are gleaming somewhat brighter this morning.
“There are mermaids,” Killian begins, smirking when he sees the boy grumble, “but they’re not what you think they might be. They’re deadly.”
“How can they be deadly? They’re mermaids! They are half of a woman’s body on a fishtail.”
“Aye, that they are. But they are also tricky, boy.” Killian musses up Baelfire’s straggly, dark hair. “They can convince you to give up your most cherished items for positively nothing in return. They can deceive you into distrusting the most trustworthy member of your crew. They trifle with your emotions and make you think what they wish for you think, and then bask in your misery afterwards.”
Baelfire doesn't even pretend to be fazed by Killian’s forewarnings. “It all sounds so foolish. I won’t believe it until I see it.”
They celebrate Baelfire’s birthday with the rest of the crew. It’s a trivial thing, birthdays—especially if you’ve lived for centuries—but Killian has a surprise in store for him.
“We’re going to visit Neverland,” he announces. “We set sail tomorrow.”
“Really?” Baelfire grins.
After Liam’s death, Killian seldom cared for others’ happiness—until Milah. Now that Baelfire is in her place to alleviate the heartache, Killian has vowed never to do anything that may disappoint the boy.
“Why Neverland?” Baelfire asks. Killian had made no secret of his distaste for the island.
He decides to tell Baelfire about his revenge plan—leaving out names, of course. He also leaves out his intention to kill the supposed offender; he lies, saying that he’s merely looking for something magical that can assure him to be free of his enemy.
Baelfire looks discomforted at the idea of magic floating freely around on the island.
“It’s alright, lad.” Killian gives him a smug smile. “I won’t let the mermaids come near you.”
Upon their arrival, the first thing Killian notices is that the island has grown twice its size since the last time he’d set foot on it. The second thing he notices is the increased number of occupants. He hears a group of boys screeching an Indian calling from afar, and a familiar voice instructing them where to go.
“Come, Baelfire. Quickly.” Killian leads the boy through some bushes and into the twisted jungle. He wants to avoid any contact with the occupants whatsoever.
It doesn't happen, though. Peter Pan appears behind him as soon as the pair trespasses on his camp.
“You look different, Lieutenant Jones,” Pan greets. “What happened to that endearing ponytail of yours?”
“It’s Captain now.” Killian glares at the spiteful leader of the Lost Boys. “And most people know me by a different moniker—Hook.”
“Ah yes, I see it now. Very clever, Captain. A nifty standby weapon, always at the ready.” Pan looks over at Baelfire. “You. What’s your name?”
“The boy’s with me, Pan.”
“I wasn't talking to you, Captain, was I?”
“Don’t answer him,” Killian warns Baelfire but, being Milah’s son, he is every bit as stubborn as she was.
“Baelfire.” He peers at Pan. “You’re Peter Pan?”
“So, you’ve heard of me! Brilliant.” Pan smiles cunningly. “Say, would you be interested in becoming a Lost Boy?”
“I—”
“No,” Killian retorts, holding out an arm in front of Baelfire in a manner of shielding him, as though Pan had threatened to gouge his eyes out instead of merely offering an invitation to join his troop of misfits.
Killian grits his teeth. “He is most certainly not interested. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have some business to take care of.”
“Business? On my island? I don’t remember approving of such thing.”
“This is private matter.” Killian is already jostling against Baelfire to make him move more quickly through the jungle. “We’ll keep in touch, Pan.”
“I’m sure we will, Captain,” Pan replies, eyeing the pair with an arch grin.
“You’re just like my father,” Baelfire says tartly as they come upon a swamp, and Killian has to bite back a scathing response at the thought of being compared to the Dark One.
“How so?”
“He used to be a coward, too. Afraid of just about everything! He didn’t let me go anywhere, talk to anybody; I was trapped in the house for most of my life. And your ship is starting to feel just like that house.”
“Watch your tone, boy,” Killian says. “I’m no coward. Nothing poses a threat to me.”
“Pan seems to pose a threat to you.”
This back and forth repartee reminds Killian briefly of his little arguments with Milah, and he smiles sadly to himself.
“Well, forgive me for worrying about your safety. You don’t know what Pan is like, and neither do I,” he lies. “It’s better not to take the risk.”
Baelfire stares incredulously at him. “You’re a pirate! Taking risks should be your life. You told me so as soon as you pulled me up onto your ship.”
Killian doesn't reply. He’s taken aback by the fact that Baelfire even remembers what he’d told him. He doesn’t want to admit it—at least not aloud—but indeed, he has grown to care for the boy. He likes the responsibility. He enjoys the boy’s company, and seeing so many similar features in Baelfire that he had in Milah eases the pain of having lost her. He’s beginning to doubt whether Baelfire is truly the offspring of the Dark One.
Baelfire tries desperately to hide the gaping wound on his shoulder, but it’s deeper than he thought it had been, and he winces each time he adjusts his rucksack.
“What’s wrong with you, mate?”
“Nothing,” he replies, a little too quickly.
Killian arches his eyebrow in suspicion. “Hand me that rucksack. You’ve been carrying it around for hours now.”
“It’s alright.” Baelfire avoids looking in Killian’s eyes. “I don’t mind.”
Killian doesn’t brush it off that easily, though. He has to wrestle with Baelfire for the rucksack, and as soon as he yanks it off his shoulders, Baelfire cries out in pain. Killian stares at the wound in horror.
“What the bloody hell is this?”
“Nothing,” Baelfire says again.
“Who’s done this to you?” Killian suddenly feels sick to the stomach when he thinks back of what had killed his brother, and whether whatever had wounded Baelfire would have a similar effect. “It was Pan, wasn't it?”
“No.” Baelfire wants to lie and say that he fell into a trench, but Killian looks so concerned—an expression that he has never seen on the pirate’s face before—that he doesn’t. “It was a Lost Boy.”
Killian glowers. “What were you doing with a bloody Lost Boy?”
“They were having sword fights. They saw me watching them, so they—”
“They attacked you?”
“No!” Baelfire says, exasperated. “They invited me to join them. And I did. But after one of them struck me, I told him to stop. The others began calling me names and laughed at me, so I ran. I didn't mean to—”
“Come on,” Killian says simply with a sigh, leading Baelfire back to the Jolly Roger.
“I’m sorry.”
Killian is watching William Smee clean the wound on Baelfire’s shoulder. He glances briefly at the boy, surprised at the apology. It's a wonder, seeing guilt daubed on his face. Rumplestiltskin had ripped Milah's heart out without so much as a fleeting conscience, and here was his son, admitting his own misconduct. Killian doesn't reply, though; he just waits for Baelfire to continue.
“You were right, I should’ve listened to you. The Lost Boys are nothing but a bunch of scoundrels.”
Killian smirks. “Told you, mate. They all work for Pan. And Pan breeds scoundrels.”
“I'm sorry your search was cancelled today—because of me.” There’s a short pause before he says, “We can go back tomorrow if you’d like.”
And only then does Killian realise that Baelfire doesn't even want to stay in Neverland anymore; he’s been persisting the accursed island for him. While Killian had been waiting for the day they can escape the island, Baelfire had been enduring the same feeling. It’s a strange feeling, being sacrificed one's happiness for. He can’t say that he hates it.
With the help of his ship’s crew, they manage to escape the island without Pan noticing.
“You sure you don't want to go back?” Baelfire asks him once Neverland is out of sight.
“It doesn't matter now, lad. There was nothing for me on the island after all.”
“What was she like?”
Killian is taken by surprise. He doesn't expect Baelfire to ask, but he suspects that it would have come up sooner or later. He hasn't brought up the subject of his revenge plan in a while now, so he’s caught unawares by the boy’s question. He thinks about it for a moment.
“She was beautiful. Always looking for adventure, never letting anything get in her way.” Killian smiles at the memory of Milah. “She was stubborn, too; headstrong—much like you, Bae.”
“Do you miss her?”
Killian hesitates before conceding, “More with each passing day.”
Pan wants the boy. And if there’s something that Killian’s crew reminds him each day, it’s that everybody knows Pan never fails.
Killian is intent on hiding Baelfire when the Lost Ones come for him, and he devises a plan. The lie is that Baelfire has decided that the pirate life is not for him, so he jumps off the ship and sacrifices himself, all while Baelfire is tucked away in the hidden compartment like he had been the first time they came for him.
Killian is ready to tell Baelfire his plan when he’s nearly lashed by a sword. He asks him what it’s about, but he sees the answer in the boy’s hand.
He’s found the picture. It’s on an old parchment and the ink is almost faded, but the woman on it can still be seen clearly. It’s Milah, hand drawn by Killian himself one night while she had been sleeping by him.
Killian doesn't have a chance to explain. His lies have been his only incentive for most of his life, so when he tries to tell the truth this time, Baelfire doesn't listen.
And with that, everything they had shared goes down in flames, as if the picture of Milah had the ability to set fire to the bond between Killian and Baelfire.
If Killian regrets one thing in his life, it’s that he betrayed Baelfire. He had let the Lost Boys take him away without a word. He watched silently as they hauled him on a flimsy boat and tied him up. Baelfire looked up at him with eyes full of hatred and mostly hurt, but Killian simply turned his back on him.
And just like that, he was gone.
Killian doesn't see him after that, no matter how many times he visits the island. But he doesn't stop thinking of him.
He thinks of Baelfire the same way he thinks of Milah—broken pieces of memories and, where there is darkness in his heart, they act as a chain of beacons that burnishes his heart, reminding him not to give up. They pull him back whenever he strays too far; they are the floorboards that hold him steady.
And so Killian journeys on with his mission to kill the Dark One, where loneliness greets him once again.