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It truly was a mystery to Andrew why every small achievement called for a party. Of course he wanted to celebrate a person’s achievements, but he was being his usual broody self tonight, so everything was annoying him right now.
It was Friday night, and the rooftop of Buzzfeed headquarters had several-dozen people all milling around, dancing to music that Andrew was ignoring, and chatting to coworkers that Andrew was tuning out. Well, he was attempting to tune all of them out. There was one that was making it very difficult, as always, and that was his Worth It cohost and his relentless enthusiasm for anything and everything about life. It was a trait that Andrew found endearing, even if at times it was a bit annoying.
Andrew had spent the whole day on a shoot with Steven, and he barely remembered what food they were trying, because he’d spent the whole day thinking about one thing: he had developed feelings for Steven Lim. It wasn’t an abrupt realization; developing the feelings took time. Annoying traits that once made Andrew cringe changed to things that brought fondness to his heart. A day of trying foods with his cohost turned into days of sitting uncomfortably close to his friend, and trying food with his friend, and since when did Andrew throw around the word friend so liberally?
When you met Steven Lim, apparently, his brain supplied, unhelpfully.
They’d both gone their separate ways after shooting the episode, and after Steven made Andrew promise that he’d be at the party to celebrate a new Buzzfeed series that Andrew probably wouldn’t start watching until the second season anyway (if he watched it at all). Steven had gotten changed before returning for the party, because he wasn’t wearing the same clothes he was wearing during the shoot: the nice grey sweater that should clash with his hair but somehow didn’t, and the plain jeans that were flattering, but not too tight.
When Andrew showed up at the party, it took all of ten seconds for Steven to find him, and Andrew’s mind nearly imploded in on itself. Andrew had never really seen Steven in party attire, and the all-black, form-fitting clothes were really messing with his head. Andrew had passed him a drink and took his coat to hang up, and left him to get used to the party at his own pace, which Andrew appreciated. Steven somehow always knew when Andrew was overwhelmed, and had learned - without being told - to just leave him be until he felt comfortable. The only problem was that he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Steven.
He watched as Steven made small talk with Jen, laughing so freely at something she said. Andrew could pinpoint Steven’s laugh, even from the other side of the rooftop, in a crowd full of people. This realization hit him like a ton of bricks; since when did Andrew become so tuned to another person as to hear their laughter over the murmur of a crowd? Andrew’s eyes stayed on Steven as Jen moved the both of them to the snack table. His mind betrayed him, conjuring up images of the - undoubtedly beautiful - body beneath the all-black attire; the way it allowed the clothes to fall over it like a work of art.
What the fuck am I doing? He couldn’t help but think.
This was wrong, what he was thinking. Steven was his friend, the closest thing he had to a best friend; he couldn’t fuck this up by becoming that creepy friend who has a crush on the other friend. Even if he did somehow get Steven to like him back, that would be so unfair to him. Steven was happiness; he was sunshine incarnate. Andrew couldn’t remember a time when Steven was lower than a 6 on the 1-10 happiness scale; Andrew didn’t know if he’d ever want to see Steven Lim that unhappy. Andrew was the opposite. Even at his happiness, he was nowhere near as unapologetically jovial as Steven.
He had darkness, he had demons… his mind didn’t know how to be carefree. ( Obviously. )
But still, even though he was thinking of all the reasons he shouldn’t be with Steven - for Steven’s sake - his mind wouldn’t stop picturing it. He kept getting flashes of him and Steven together; Steven making him smile, cooking Steven breakfast, the feeling of two arms wrapped around him that he would instinctively know to be Steven’s without even looking. Suddenly, even though the party was on the roof of the building, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. The air was stifling. He looked up at Steven, and he felt like he was suffocating from all the words he wanted to say.
You love him, don’t you… his mind thought.
Suddenly, he had to get out of there. He had to leave. He caught Steven’s eye as he went, but rushed down the stairs anyway. He wasn’t going to waste time waiting for an elevator. He had to get out; he had to run these feelings off. He just wanted his mind to shut up, to stop sending him all of the domestic images of him and Steven, to stop before the images started to get more risque (like he knew they probably would).
He was finally out in the street when he realized he’d forgotten his jacket. He didn’t care; this was Los Angeles, it could never really get too cold here. His steps were brisk as he walked home. It would only take maybe ten minutes to get to his apartment, and he needed every minute of it if he were going to forget about Steven for tonight. He needed to forget just enough to be able to have a decent conversation with him tomorrow. He finally got to his apartment and shut the door behind him, when he realized that his phone was buzzing. He had a missed call and a few messages from Steven.
Steven (12:17am) : Are you okay?
Steven (12:25am) : Don’t want to be annoying, but I’m here to talk if you want. You seemed upset.
Steven (12:32) : I tried to catch you before you left. You forgot your jacket, but I’ll bring it by tomorrow. Goodnight!
Andrew sighed as he read the messages. I’m so fucked… he thought, and it was pretty much true. He shot back a text to Steven, letting him know that he was okay, and that he was just tired (mostly lies, but Steven probably wouldn’t push it tonight.) Steven was so caring, and that fact just added to the war going on in Andrew’s mind. He didn’t deserve this unconditional loyalty from his friend; had he done anything to earn it? Was it worth it for Steven to waste his energy on him?
Self-deprecation was exhausting, and he really just wanted to sleep until Monday. He knew Steven was dropping off his coat tomorrow, and he hoped beyond hope that he’d be able to function like his normal, non-lovesick self by then.