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Dom got up in the early hours before the twilight, he could not suffer anymore, just laying down without sleep and letting thoughts bounce in his brain, making him frustrated and anxious. After shower, he spent his time cleaning the house, doing laundry, all house- hold chores. Unfortunately, physical efforts didn’t make the thoughts absent, it didn’t take him long to be done and he was looking at the prospect of spending the whole day, thrashing about what happened between him and Chris.
There was only one thing left and it was weighing on his mind as a hundred-ton boulder. The letter. He needed to write the letter to Chris, he wanted to clear things up and let him know, what was happening in his soul, ask him what he did wrong to bring such a dramatic ending to their relationship. And Dom would do anything to avoid writing, he was scared, he was trying to postpone it for as long as possible. The reason for that- he still didn’t have a clear picture of what unfolded between them and how did they end up where they did.
One day, after he felt, that Chris kept pushing him away, creating the distance, telling him that he needed a space and after Dom’s questions, saying that it was personal, Dom snapped.
“Personal? From me, but I’m your partner?” Dom couldn’t believe in what he was hearing.
“What the hell, Chris, you are trying to hide in your manhole, yes, hole-not a cave, and shutting me out of your life and I’m supposed to know somehow what you are thinking and be able to help you? Well, I can’t ,damn it! Maybe I’m too simple, not intelligent enough for you, but I’m real and I’m here and I love you. And if it’s not enough for you, hell, I just don’t know…” frustrated he banged the chair.
“But, Dom, you don’t understand…”, stuttered Chris.
“No, I fucking don’t!” interrupted him Dom. “You don’t know how to be with me and you too scarred to be without me, just make up your goddamn mind, for fuck’s sake!” his voice came up high.
“When you were making love to me, there was another man in your heart. You hurt me so deeply Chris, you crushed my heart, I feel like I was trapped in the limbo-no exit, no light at the end.” Dom continued with accusations.
“How much do you think I can handle, what this is with all that:
“I love you-Oh, no, I don’t’. Go-uhg, no, please stay”. He reminded Chris of their ongoing struggle.
“I listened, and I stayed and got caught in this invisible Bermuda triangle, and it made you disappear without the worthy reason. I was living with a ghost, the ghost of your previous relationship! And just because he died when you were still in love with him, he seems perfect to you, because he didn’t give you a chance to become disillusioned. Does it mean that I can never compare to him?!” screaming through the tears, Dom was a picture of frustration and pain.
“Dom, I was just thinking, realistically about the future and I don’t want to bring us a hall of pain.You are open for getting deeper, you are just braver than me!” Chris face was stricken with guilt, finally he broke his silence.
Dom smirked and hunched his right shoulder. “I’m not, but I believed that we can be together and was willing to give us a chance.”
“I just worry,” started Chris, “I worry, that…”
“Well, don’t worry anymore, because any feelings I had for you are evaporating so fast it makes me dizzy. I can’t even look at you right now! Urhg!” Dom interrupted him again, exasperated and unable to stop.
“Do you want me to get my stuff out of the house?” whispered Chris, completely crushed.
Dom looked at him almost with repulsion, “Yea, get your stuff out,” he spat his answer.
After that, he turned and left the house. Outside, he leaned to the wall, pressing his head to the cool surface and closed eyes, full of unspilled tears. His last words, downed on him, the realisation that he went and done it, he broke it up, everything they had, knifing at his heart.
“Well done, you idiot,” he cursed himself, “You gone and did it, happy now?! You ruined it, there is no way back, no chance. So, just don’t look back.” praying to whatever strength he had left.
He wandered aimlessly streets of the city and when he came home at night, Chris was gone.
And this was it. The relationship ended. Dom was sitting in the dark in his kitchen thinking through tears, how he can go about his life after this.
And then, he heard his Mom’s voice in his head:” You would do it with the inner strength and grace that I know you have, my boy.”
“Mom, I miss you, I feel so lost. I love him so much that it stings me to breathe, the only person I want to console me- is him, the one who hurt me the most.” he whispered to her image in his head.
The tears were rolling down on his cheeks. He tried to cry out his grief, his mourning of burnt to the ash love.
“I would never love anyone like that again, ever!” howled he desperately,” but I couldn’t play that tug of war either anymore.”
And now, he wanted to write that letter to Chris. He didn’t know, if it would be the last nail in the coffin of their relationship, but he was determined to find out if it was. But at the same time he kept procrastinating, finding superfluous things to do. They were redundant, but he would use anything to keep himself from writing.
Procrasination…
He went to put the music on, something to inspire the mood for getting himself together and lastly start one of the scariest tasks of his life. He didn’t even have an idea how to address Chris anymore? Saying: “my dear Chris”-would sound just plain stupid. It wasn’t an apology he wanted to communicate, not begging to come back to him (no matter how much he wanted it), it was supposed to be a summary of what had happened and what was left to do.
Dom shrugged his shoulders and chastised himself for being ridiculous.
“It’s not just his fault, we both are to blame, so, just sit down and tell him how you feel, just don’t sound pathetic, remember- strength and grace!”
To open the floodgate of feelings of angst and denial would be easy, but how to keep yourself from becoming a condemning source of agony, and loathe someone for not being able to give himself fully to this relationship- this was a hard mission to attain.
Music wasn’t helping, the opposite, it was bringing back the memories, not so distant and hard to re-live.
“Look, Dom, look at that precious face. Don’t you just love him? Imagine cuddling in the front of the fireplace with that ball of furry cuteness.”
Chris’s face lit up with pure delight.” I can visualise teaching this little guy to bring you a newspaper or your slippers, can you?” with glint of hope, Chris hugged puppy to his chest, the little guy twirling in his arms, trying to lick his face.
“Chrissy, you know that I would love to have a dog, but with our crazy work and constant travel, we can’t afford to keep one yet, because he would spend half of his time in dog’s hotels or with a sitter, and it’s not fair to submit him to be abandoned for long periods of time! “Dom felt like he wasn’t just crushing Chris’s dream, by like he was stomping on his heart.
Chris’s smile faded and with heavy sigh, he hugged puppy even closer,” I’m not talking about some dog, I’m talking about Evan, look, just look at him, doesn’t he look like Evan?”
Dom didn’t want to escalate the conversation to the point of argument. “If, and I’m saying it with a healthy dose of uncertainty, if we will get him, do you promise to take care of him and not to burden me with a very early morning walks?”
Chris tugged him in the hug, holding puppy in between them, the little guy, managing to lick Dom’s ear and cheek.
“OK, you two, I can’t win this battle, obviously” grumbled Dom, secretly falling for the cuteness in Chris’s arms, but mostly marvelling at the beautiful happy light in his boyfriend’s eyes.
Those eyes, they were the first thing he noticed about Chris, when they met first time. His friends, after he introduced him to them, went bonkers about Chris’s legs and his perfect butt, and muscled torso and his five 5 o’clock shadow and swooned at his voice, but for Dom- his eyes, those unbelievable- amber, mixed with deep moss, surrounded with dark, wavy lashes and shaped like almonds- eyes, hit him right in the deepest of his heart and never did let go.
God, how much he loved him…his hand started to shake, sobs interrupting his attempts to write.
How can you have the most profound love and at the same time bring the worst in each other? But he was hit by the strange thought, that he was somehow happy that it happened, that he got the chance to experience the most beautiful feeling and that he always would have the memories about it and was grateful to Chris for giving him that experience.
A week, after Chris left, Dom phoned him and arranged to meet and divide their stuff. And they had to decide, who was going to keep Evan. Poor baby, he was so down and listless, he knew something terrible happened and he missed his other Dad, to the point that he refused to play or even touch his favourite treats.
Dom, wanted to ask Chris, how he was, but was unable to invest emotionally in him now, he was too raw with hurt, so he made his phone call to sound as businesslike as possible.
The letter wasn’t going to happen. Dom started to feel, as procrastinating wasn’t his problem. The problem was to turn his feelings into words, to make them not accusatory or hurtful, but words saying goodbye to something precious he had, and to someone who was able to make him feel like that.
He moved tear stained list of paper into the drawer and turned to look at Evan.” Come here you sweet thing, help me, give me the comfort.” He smelled dog’s neck and he could swear he noticed a faint scent of Chris’s cologne on leather collar… It was both soothing and upsetting at the same time.
He missed him, his comforting hands, his strong neck- that he liked to tuck his nose in, before he would fall asleep, his scent-sensual, strong and his hairy but neat chest, that would warm him in the middle of the night.
Dom shook his head, trying to escape the state of misery that just the faint whiff of scent put him in. Frustrated, he hugged Evan closer, seeking for escape, refuge from the pain that was killing his soul.
“How, can I go without him, I can’t survive a week without his touch, without those eyes that melt me in the puddle of goo?”
“I want just one more kiss of those perfectly defined lips, the sweet taste of the tongue in my mouth, I want him inside me, throbbing in mind-numbing pleasure, I want him, I want him whole and here with me, please, God!..”
He picked up a phone again and dialed the number, he didn’t care about the consequences- he needed to see him now!
“Hello?”
“Chris, can I come to see you, I need to say something to you?”
“Erm…no.”
“Oh, OK, forget it then,” Dom put the phone down. He couldn’t breath, his hands were refusing to function, his body slumped into a big crying mess on the floor.
And then he heard the knock, Evan went berserk, yapping and jumping in the air.
Dom lifted his boneless body from the floor and went to open the door.
“Hi” soft and hesitant…the best sound he dreamt of…
“Chris! What are you…” interruption came in the crushing kiss and hug that he was dying to feel for all this time.
After Chris let go, Dom could squeeze inaudible,” What are you doing here?”
“Sit down, please, I need to tell you something.” Chris slightly nudged him towards the coach.
“No, me first, “tried Dom.
“Please, Dom, it is hard enough for me as it is, let me!” Chris looked at him with pleading eyes.
Evan was squealing with the joy and wanted attention desperately, Chris picked the pup and kissed his nose “I missed you too buddy.” he put the dog on his knees, sitting down on the couch beside Dom.
“Dom, love, it is not easy for me, you do realize that I suck at intimacy?!” he lowered his head in apology, “I broke up the relationship, breaking your heart in a wake of it and hurting you so bad!”
“I suck at intimacy too,” tried to insert Dom.
“No, it’s my fault that we broke up!” Chris insisted. “I jerked you around and…” He couldn’t continue, tears were choking him.
“I should’ve reacted better, “tried to ease his pain Dom.
“Please, don’t be so kind and understanding, it just makes me feel guiltier, knowing what I did. It’s unforgivable! But it made me realise, that you are the love of my life, what we have is not perfect, but it’s tangible and I want it to be “IT” for us from now on!” Chris’s lips were trembling, hands are clasped, eyes sorrowful.
“Can you ever forgive me, Dommy?”
“Can I have another chance?”
“Chris, I don’t want you doing this out of guilty feeling, you don’t have to do this noble thing, because it would be the right thing to do- I need you to want to be with me.” Dom queried.
“I, I am not. I do, do want to…”, Chris pleaded with him.
“I can’t be your second choice, I need you to be sure about it!” Dom found the courage to say something that might hurt the possibility of their future. But he wanted honesty to be a starting point in this step.
“Dom I’m in love with you, I love you! You’ve become my inevitable need, like breathing, I can’t exist without you!” openly crying, admitted Chris.
“I love you too, Chris, more than anything, I can’t, no I don’t want to live without you!” Hugged him Dom with all his might. Their hug became tighter, the heated bodies looking for long sought solace, mouths found each other, the sweet whispers and exhales, stroking hands, soft sound of kisses...
The heavenly sensation of finally opening enough to become one and only, lifted their already souring souls even higher, the love was there and needed to be bodily affirmed.
Chris tugged at Dom’s hair, lifting his unbelievably long neck to stay exposed to his hungry kisses, bodies squeezing closer …and that’s when they heard him. The yelp was loud and full of indignant protest.
“Shit,.. Evan!” both screamed at the same moment, and the very unhappy and all matted Evan’s head appeared in the middle of them, the pup shook off his fur and looked at them with accusing eyes.
The laughs were shuddering their bodies, “Sorry buddy, Daddies got carried away, they are just so happy. And it happened, that you were, accidentally though, included in reconciliation hug!” Chris stroked puppy’s head.
“I bet he’s going to feel even more offended when we’ll put him out of the room, so, this Daddy can properly show his other one the depth of his love”, winking at Evan said Dom.
They interlaced their hands and went to the bedroom, leaving Evan squealing behind the closed door.
Sometimes, in the very rare cases, procrastination could be a good thing…