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It starts out as a joke, it always does with their friends-- until it’s too late and someone is either crying, being dragged off to a hospital, or both.
“You haven’t had a rebound since you broke up with your ex, Junmyeon,” Baekhyun says one day while their friend group is at Minseok’s apartment watching a sports event. “Should I be concerned?”
“Don’t say it like that,” Junmyeon scolds him. “Like I’m using people.”
“Well, that’s what you do, isn’t it?” Jongdae speaks up. “Use people?”
“What the hell?” Junmyeon turns to him. “That’s really dark, don’t you know that?”
Jongdae just shrugs. “After Joohyun, I really just don’t know what to think.”
“She wanted a more romantic relationship and I didn’t feel the same way. Simple as that.”
“So that’s why you didn’t tell her that during the two months you were having sex with her,” Sehun sarcastically comments as he comes into the room, holding two bottles of sparkling wine, adorned with festive bows. “You know, hyung, there’s something called ‘leading people on,’ believe it or not.”
“I didn’t want to hurt her,” Junmyeon defends himself, holding his empty glass out for Sehun to fill up.
“Everyone knows leading someone on is worse than rejecting them,” Jongdae hums, “isn’t that right Chanyeol?”
Chanyeol, a mutual friend of Baekhyun and Jongdae who has been silent for the majority of their gathering, flinches at the sound of his name. Junmyeon takes a moment to study his distressed expression, and hums under his breath. He’s seen him quite often due to their friends constantly hanging out, though they seldom speak to each other. Junmyeon believes he’s a cute and passionate kid, but the amount of baggage he was carrying was a turnoff in his opinion. Not that he would ever tell him that.
“That’s not funny,” Chanyeol pouts, and the tone in his voice suggesting Jongdae’s comment had more weight behind it than Junmyeon would know of.
“I’m not trying to be funny. You would know that though, wouldn’t you?”
“Why do you guys keep picking on me and Junmyeon-hyung? And during the holidays, of all times.” Chanyeol whines, gesturing to himself and then the older man. It’s funny-- Junmyeon can’t recall Chanyeol ever saying his name before until now.
“November does not count as the holiday season, and it’s probably because you both just got out of shitty relationships and are miserable,” Minseok, who has been silently observing up until now, speaks up.
“I gotta admit, Minseok-hyung has a point,” Sehun murmurs. “It’s super annoying seeing you two sulk constantly. Really gets me down.”
“Well I’m sorry my personal issues ruin your perfect mood,” Chanyeol jabs at Sehun, his jaw clenching.
“Guys, please don’t fight,” Minseok intervenes. “Especially not on game night.”
“Maybe you two should just be each other’s sad little lovers,” Jongdae jokingly suggests in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Actually, Jongdae, that’s a great idea!” Baekhyun pipes up, then goes to whisper in Jongdae’s ear.
Chanyeol and Junmyeon exchange nervous glances when Jongdae begins to giggle and motions for Sehun to lean in.
“Oh, definitely,” Sehun cackles, and turns to Minseok. “Hyung, what do you think about…”
When Minseok’s eyes widen but he nods, Junmyeon knows him and Chanyeol are both royally screwed over.
“It’s time for another one of our classic bets!” Jongdae exclaims.
“In other words, we dare you guys to be actual lovers,” Baekhyun grins, far too casual for the situation.
It always starts out as a joke, Junmyeon reminds himself.
“I--” Chanyeol speaks up, his face flushed and his brows furrowed, “--you can’t just force Junmyeon-hyung to be attracted to me and vice versa, it’s… it’s ridiculous! Plus, I don’t even know if Junmyeon-hyung is...”
If Junmyeon-hyung is like me, Junmyeon can almost hear Chanyeol say.
“You can still be lovers and not be attracted to each other,” Minseok points out. “Besides, I actually think it would be good for the two of you. Also, last time I checked, Junmyeon has no sexual preference.”
“Chanyeol’s right,” Junmyeon backs him up, ignoring the fact that Minseok is far too aware of his sexuality. “I don’t want to be with someone I’m not attracted to, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship either. This is a stupid idea.” Junmyeon turns to Chanyeol to give him a nod in solidarity, but feels his heart slightly ache at the sight of the boy looking like he is seconds away from crying.
It’s too late. The tears have come.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun gets his attention, “you’re saving up to buy a new stereo system, right?” He pauses to let Chanyeol nod. “If you and Junmyeon-hyung can be each other’s lovers for three months, we’ll buy you the stereo system of your dreams.”
“Hey!” Sehun whines, hitting Baekhyun on the back. “I didn’t agree to that part!”
“I dunno, I wouldn’t mind putting money in just to see this through,” Jongdae muses.
“Me neither,” Minseok agrees with Jongdae. “It’s really annoying seeing you two struggle with relationships this much.”
“What about you, our wealthy hyung?” Sehun asks Junmyeon. “Need any bribe material?”
“I refuse to be bribed,” Junmyeon shakes his head.
The attention turns to Chanyeol, who squirms with all eyes on him.
“Junmyeon-hyung,” Chanyeol starts slowly, “I really need that stereo system.”
Junmyeon closes his eyes, understanding he can’t turn Chanyeol down. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he kicked a puppy that was already down.
“If Chanyeol agrees to do it, then I guess I have no choice.”
“It’s a dare,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes, “you didn’t have a choice to begin with.”
They drop the subject for now, but before the night ends, Minseok takes Junmyeon aside to speak with him privately.
“I agreed to this because I think it will be good for you,” Minseok admits. “Chanyeol has a lot of issues he’s trying to sort out right now, but he’s a good kid. You, on the other hand, pay so little attention to your issues I feel like you forget you have any to begin with. I think you both can learn a lot from each other.”
“I’m only doing this because the kid needs that stereo system,” Junmyeon retorts.
“We both know that’s not true.”
Junmyeon scoffs.
“Anyway,” Minseok continues, “I’ll give you his number. You both need to send pictures of you guys hanging out as proof on a regular basis, by the way, or all bets are off.”
“Yeah, I understand,” Junmyeon resists the urge to roll his eyes as he copies Chanyeol’s number from Minseok’s contact page. He tries not to think about the cute sleepy face Chanyeol is making in Minseok’s contact information photo.
“Text him when you get home,” Minseok instructs. “I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have class on Monday, so maybe you can take him out after work tomorrow.”
Junmyeon stares at Minseok. “Wait, how old is he?”
“He’s in his last year of university,” Minseok replies. “Relax. You both are a little under two years apart. He’s older than Sehun, and that doesn’t stop you two from being glued at the hip.”
“I’ve never been with anyone younger than me…”
“We’re adults, ‘Myeon. It’s not that different.” Minseok pats Junmyeon’s shoulder and guides him towards the door. “Take care, okay?”
“Okay.”
+++
“Hi,” is the only message Junmyeon manages to text Chanyeol before he tosses his phone aside and runs to take a cold shower. While he is aggressively washing the shampoo out of his hair, he hears his phone vibrate twice. Of course Chanyeol would be a double texter, he thinks to himself.
Junmyeon almost is too nervous to check his messages, and tries to occupy himself with simple activities so he has a legitimate reason to not look at his phone. Maybe he’ll shave his legs once more, just for good measure. Or, what if he catches up on that one American television show he put on hold three years ago? He heard it was on its final season.
His phone vibrates again, and a wave of guilt washes over him. Junmyeon grabs the phone and opens up his messages slowly, careful to not click on Chanyeol’s contact so he can’t see he’s read the texts.
[12:34 AM]
>who is this?
>junmyeon-hyung maybe?
[12:59 AM]
>well i’m going to bed, i’m sorry if you have the wrong number! this is chanyeol ^-^;; pls dont reply if you don’t recognize that name
Cute, Junmyeon silently admits to himself.
[1:02 AM]
>Yes, it’s Junmyeon. Sorry I didn’t give my name, I just figured you would know, haha.
Junmyeon feels his cheeks burn.
[1:05 AM]
>I know you’re asleep, but would you like to get dinner tomorrow? We have to make sure you get that stereo system, after all.
He considers adding a smiley face to the end of his text, but he refrains. He doesn’t want Chanyeol to get attached, or think he’s cute. After all, if what his friends said were true, he’s a master at leading people on.
His phone buzzes once more to his surprise, and he looks down to check the notifaction.
[1:07 AM]
>oops, not in bed yet! i had plans tomorrow but i’m sure i can cancel them :)
Junmyeon so desperately wants to tell Chanyeol to just go out and forget the whole ordeal, but the rational side of him refuses to. Or maybe it’s the emotional side, it’s too hard to tell.
[1:09 AM]
>OK, just let me know. No pressure, of course
>Goodnight, Chanyeol
This time, Junmyeon turns off his phone, not wanting to deal with reality.
+++
Junmyeon wakes up two hours later than he should have, thanks to impulse-shutting off his phone.
“Shit,” he curses under his breath as he glances at his battery alarm clock that he never uses. Before thinking about how angry his boss will be at him for not showing up to work, his mind wanders to Chanyeol, much to his personal dismay.
When his phone reboots, Junmyeon gets three text messages from him.
[1:12 AM]
>no no it’s okay! i wanna go with you!
>ill text you with an update, if that’s okay
>gn!!!!!
[8:47 AM]
>hey so i was able to clear my afternoon! minseok-hyung told me you have work, so just lemme kno when you’re around? no pressure of course^^
Junmyeon ruffles his hair, uncharacteristically flustered. He taps his black phone case repeatedly, then opens his messaging app. He’ll have to call his boss later and explain his absence, but for now that’s the least of his concerns.
[9:33 AM]
>Boss didn’t need me today, so how about lunch?
What are you doing, Junmyeon hears his subconscious scream. He wishes he could shut it off just as easily as his phone, but a sudden text from Chanyeol is enough to get his brain to stop lecturing him.
[9:36 AM]
>oh… well okay!
>what time and where?
Junmyeon clicks his tongue at the thought of having to pick a place for lunch.
[9:37 AM]
>11:30 works, if that’s not too early for you. Discussing a place to eat in person would be easier for me, if you don’t mind
[9:39 AM]
>i don’t see why not..? can i have your address?
Shit. Junmyeon really doesn’t want Chanyeol to know where he lives, even though he knows the man would never harm him. There’s something extremely personal about seeing someone’s homelife, Junmyeon thinks, and it’s not a part of him he would like to share with Chanyeol. Not yet, and hopefully not ever.
He can’t let Chanyeol into his life that far.
[9:42 AM]
>I can just pick you up instead, so you don’t have to drive. Drop me a pin when you’re ready?
[9:43 AM]
>ooh okay. will do! :D
Junmyeon spends the next hour and a half staring at various button-ups, all while trying to fight the uneasy feeling in his chest. It’s not that he doesn’t like Chanyeol, nor is it the fact that everything they are doing is for the sake of Chanyeol getting a new stereo. It’s the intimacy factor. He can tell Chanyeol is sensitive, and Junmyeon doesn’t like being overly polite and distant with friends. He does that enough with everyone else.
When Chanyeol texts his location, Junmyeon frantically throws the light blue button-up he’s tightly gripping in his hand over his body, grabs his keys, and runs out the door.
+++
Junmyeon shouldn’t be surprised at how low-quality Chanyeol’s shoddy apartment complex looks from outside, but he is. Trying to ignore his discomfort, he follows the instructions texted to him to take the paint-chipped stairs up to the second floor, and looks for a door with a light brown mat under it. When Junmyeon finds the correct door, he has to bite his lips to prevent himself from laughing at the doormat. All guests must approved by the dog, it reads.
Junmyeon goes to knock on the door, but before his hand can reach, the door swings open and he’s face-to-face with a wide-eyed looking stranger with a buzzcut and glasses.
“Oh,” he says, backing up slightly. He tilts his head slightly to the side, as if he’s looking for someone behind Junmyeon, then turns around to face into the apartment. “Chanyeol, were you really expecting someone?” He calls out loudly. “There’s some stranger at our door.”
How rude, Junmyeon thinks, even though he’s not offended in the slightest. In fact, he’s mostly disappointed due to how attractive Chanyeol’s supposed roommate is.
The roommate must’ve caught him staring, because he steps back once more and fully opens the door. “I guess Chanyeol might still be in the shower. He said he had a date, and that there was no way he could go out without cleaning himself, but I honestly didn’t believe him until now. I assume that’s you, of course.” The roommate pauses to rub his head. Junmyeon watches as the short hairs on his head rock back and forth due to friction, and he resists the urge to reach out and touch them. “Do you want to come in?”
“Ah, that would be nice,” Junmyeon nods, out of politeness, and for his own comfort. “I’m Kim Junmyeon. I met Chanyeol through some mutual friends.”
“Do Kyungsoo,” he says, and extends his hand out for Junmyeon to take. “I live with him. We both go to university together.”
Junmyeon hums, and tries to keep his attention on Kyungsoo, instead of the running shower sound coming from the other room. Once again, Kyungsoo seems to pick up on Junmyeon’s behavior, and shoots him a glance.
“You can take a seat anywhere you’d like,” he tells him, and Kyungsoo goes to sit on their couch. Junmyeon licks his lips and chooses to sit on a chair placed next to the couch.
“Chanyeol… well, he’s not the best at keeping up his daily hygiene, so when he wants to be actually clean, it tends to take awhile.”
Junmyeon cracks a smile, and Kyungsoo surprises him by softly smiling back. “Would you like a drink? I can brew you some tea or coffee, if you’d like.” He asks. Junmyeon shakes his head, and thinks he’s found someone who is more polite than himself.
“I’m fine, thank you,” Junmyeon dismisses. He feels a gap of silence incoming, and blurts the first thing that’s on his mind to prevent awkwardness. “So, what is it like living with Chanyeol?”
Kyungsoo snorts, and leans back into the couch. “A lot,” he admits with a sigh, though he looks fond. “He’s messy and loud, and loves to play music at unconventional hours during the day, but I wouldn’t change anything about it. We’ve known each other since our first year, and to my surprise, we instantly clicked.” Kyungsoo pauses to study Junmyeon’s expression. “You seem taken aback.”
Junmyeon blinks, and goes to feel his face. “Do I?” Kyungsoo smiles at him pitifully, as if he’s trying to sympathize with Junmyeon’s inability to understand his own emotions. “I guess I wouldn’t have pictured Chanyeol to hang around… well, please don’t take this the wrong way, as I don’t know much about you, but I just assumed Chanyeol would befriend more active people.”
“I’m plenty active, in my opinion,” Kyungsoo retorts, but he doesn’t look hurt in any way, “though I do know what you mean. I participate in practically every single one of the plays our university produces, and I’m vice president of the singing club. However, I’m quite shy and softspoken, and it takes a while for me to warm up to people.” Kyungsoo shuffles the decorative pillow behind him before continuing. “I know you didn’t ask for our origin story, but Chanyeol was nice to me since day one. We had a music sampling class together, which I ended up dropping after the second class when I realized I wasn’t very interested in composing electronic music. I remember he approached me in the school’s café a few days later, even though we had never formally spoken before. He just… sat down next to me, like that was a normal thing to do, asked me where I was, and told me that he was worried for my wellbeing.”
“That’s very kind of him,” Junmyeon muses.
“It was,” Kyungsoo removes his glasses and makes eye contact with Junmyeon. “I have astigmatism, though I wasn’t properly aware of it until a few months into my first semester, so I always looked like I was angry and glaring at people.” Junmyeon notices how Kyungsoo appeared to be aggravated, even though his tone implied the opposite. He puts his glasses back on and continues. “Chanyeol didn’t seem to mind that at all though, and he talked to me like we were friends. Something about that made me instantly want to get close to him, so we ended up eating lunch together on a regular basis until we actually became friends, among other things things.”
Junmyeon raises his eyebrows at the last comment. “So you guys are good friends, I assume?”
Kyungsoo opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted by a shout from the other room.
“Soo, I can’t find my deodorant! Can I just borrow yours?”
Kyungsoo sighs at the sound of Chanyeol’s voice, and rubs his fingers over his scalp. “I’ll just help you look for it!” He half-heartedly shouts, and gets up, leaving Junmyeon alone in the living room.
“Did you look in the bathroom?” Kyungsoo says, his voice muffled from the distance.
“Yes, I tried everything!” Chanyeol wails. Junmyeon thinks he hears a drawer open up, followed by a groan.
“You must’ve knocked it in your underwear drawer by mistake,” Kyungsoo says, exasperated. “Again.”
Junmyeon hears Chanyeol whine, and tries to ignore the fluttering feeling in his chest.
“Okay, okay, got it,” Chanyeol reassures Kyungsoo, though it sounds more like he’s talking to himself.
“You don’t have time to stare at yourself putting deodorant on,” Kyungsoo scolds. “You’re making your date wait.”
“What?!” Chanyeol shouts, loud enough to make Junmyeon’s heart rate pick up speed. “He’s here? How long has he been waiting?”
“Shh!” He hears Kyungsoo hiss, and then he lowers his tone. Junmyeon can still hear them talking, but he isn’t sure what they’re saying. Chanyeol groans once more, before Junmyeon hears a door close and looks up to find Chanyeol and Kyungsoo walking back out into the living room.
“Hi,” Chanyeol says shyly, his hands linked behind his back. His shirt is half-untucked and he’s wearing mismatched socks, and Junmyeon hates the way his heart stutters.
“Hi,” Junmyeon echoes, getting up from the couch. “Um, do you guys have a dog?” Kyungsoo and Chanyeol stare at Junmyeon. “You know, because of the doormat outside.”
Both of them look taken aback. “We used to,” Kyungsoo says, while Chanyeol blurts “inside joke” at the same time.
Junmyeon tilts his head in confusion, but decides not to push the matter.
“W-were you waiting long?” Chanyeol stammers, still flustered from before.
“Not too long,” says Junmyeon, “but I don’t know why you chose to shower a half hour before we needed to go out.”
He’s joking, but Chanyeol doesn’t seem to register that. “I didn’t want to smell bad!” Chanyeol whines. “I’ll be on time for our next date though, I swear.”
Ah, Junmyeon thinks to himself. Next date. Right.
“Well, shall we go?” Junmyeon asks, focusing back on reality.
“Yeah!” Chanyeol bounds over to him, and Junmyeon feels his heart squeeze. “Soo, I’ll text you when we’re on our way back, okay?”
Kyungsoo, who has been quiet since all three of them were together, nods.
“It was nice meeting you, Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon waves goodbye to him as they walk out the door. Kyungsoo smiles and waves back, and then Junmyeon shuts the apartment door behind him.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your relationship with Kyungsoo like?” Junmyeon asks, keeping his voice down incase Chanyeol’s apartment door is thin.
“We’re friends!” Chanyeol reassures, his arms flailing around. “Though, for a while we were… a bit more.”
Junmyeon nods slowly. “Did you guys date?”
“No, no, we were… I guess we were friends with benefits? While also having this pretty specific dynamic. It’s hard to explain to most people. Um, we’re not friends with benefits right now though, if that matters to you. Just incase you were wondering.”
“I wasn’t, don’t worry. Thank you for letting me know, though,” Junmyeon tells him. He stares down at Chanyeol’s doormat, and hums.
“Uh,” Chanyeol shifts in place, “shall we…?” Junmyeon decides to drop the topic by following Chanyeol’s lead.
“So,” Junmyeon starts, turning to Chanyeol once they properly made their way down the stairs. “Are there any places you and Kyungsoo go to in this area?”
Chanyeol shuffles in place. “I dunno, hyung,” he shrugs, looking unsure of himself. “You’re dressed so much nicer than me, like you were expecting to actually… I don’t know, go somewhere nice.”
Junmyeon stares down at his own outfit. “What, because I’m wearing black pants with a belt?”
Chanyeol points at the lower half of his body. “Exactly! Your pants are way fancier than my jeans, plus, you’re wearing dress shoes!”
Junmyeon resists the urge to laugh out loud by digging his nails into the palm of his hand. No leading him on, he reminds himself. Not even a little bit.
“Uh, to answer your question though,” Chanyeol backtracks, “Soo and I sometimes go to this BBQ restaurant that’s around a seven minute drive from here. It’s pretty casual, but it’s fun to go on occasion.”
“That works,” Junmyeon quickly agrees, and gestures towards his car. “You can either point me in the the right direction or input the address in my GPS, okay?”
Chanyeol hums, and touches the exterior of Junmyeon’s car. “Nice,” he mumbles to himself, before turning his attention towards Junmyeon. “Sorry, what was that? I was a little distracted. Your car is just so cool.”
Junmyeon chuckles lightly, mostly out of politeness. “Do you know how to get to the place?” Chanyeol nods, and Junmyeon unlocks his car. “Well, by all means, please lead the way.”
They arrive under ten minutes later, and are given a seat by the window. Junmyeon isn’t too fond of their position, feeling like everyone who passes by the restaurant is staring at him and Chanyeol and assuming they’re actually a couple. Junmyeon tries to distract himself by playing with the salt shaker on the table while Chanyeol excitedly chats away with the waiter about the song currently playing throughout the restaurant.
“Would you like your usual order?” The waiter asks Chanyeol, and Junmyeon looks up to see Chanyeol nodding eagerly.
“Of course, Jongin,” Chanyeol says, and Junmyeon suddenly regrets zoning out for the past five minutes. “You always treat me so well here, why aren’t you as nice and active outside of work?”
“Because I’m tired, hyung,” Jongin replies. “Being a waiter from opening to closing every other day is mentally and physically exhausting.”
“Ah, I don’t blame you,” Chanyeol sighs, drumming the table. Junmyeon fixates his eyes on his large hands. “Anyway, do you know what you want, hyung?”
Junmyeon blinks, feeling the attention turn to him. “What do you recommend?”
“Chanyeol normally orders the Dakgalbi, though he always asks us to make it less spicy for him,” Jongin says, his tone teasing. Junmyeon wonders how long they’ve known each other.
“Every time I’m around hyung, I get picked on,” Chanyeol whines, putting his head down and rubbing his arms against each other. Junmyeon considers scolding him for acting so embarrassingly cute in public, but Chanyeol probably isn’t even aware of how adorable he is. Junmyeon has no idea how he’ll be able to survive ninety more days of this.
“I’ll have the Dakgalbi then, please,” Junmyeon tells Jongin, straining to make eye contact with him. Thankfully, Jongin doesn’t seem to pick up on his struggle, and nods.
“Great, I’ll have it out as soon as I can. Oh, and have fun on your date, hyung, you deserve it!” Jongin pats Chanyeol’s shoulder and walks off before Junmyeon can bring himself to correct him. They sit in an awkward silence for a moment, before Chanyeol speaks up.
“Sorry,” he shrugs, pulling on his hair absentmindedly. “Jongin knows a bit about my past breakup, and he’s really been rooting for me to get a new partner. I can tell him we’re not... you know, like a thing or whatever, if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“We are a thing, though,” Junmyeon replies, confused by his own words. “As in, we were told to be lovers for three months, not pretend to be. So it’s okay. I’m okay with it.”
You’re leading him on, Junmyeon hears his conscious say.
Chanyeol’s shoulders visibly deflate. “I know this is weird to say, but it is really reassuring to hear you say that.”
This is exact opposite of what you said you would do.
“We both agreed to this, did we not?” Junmyeon flashes Chanyeol a soft smile in an attempt to calm his nerves.
You’re ruining him. You’re going to hurt him.
Chanyeol’s cheeks flush, and he nods. “I guess so... but you’re sure you know what I mean?”
You don’t. “I do.”
“Thanks, hyung,” Chanyeol sighs aloud. “That means a lot to me.”
You don’t deserve him.
“Anytime,” Junmyeon replies.
You don’t deserve anything.
+++
Chanyeol texts Junmyeon when he gets home from their date, stating that he had a fun time and was looking forward to hanging out again. Junmyeon tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, and replies with a thumbs up, before muting his phone for the night.
The next day, Junmyeon decides he needs to establish a routine with Chanyeol as a way to ground himself, and asks him if they can form a schedule. The two of them agree to hang out with each other twice a week, and go out for dinner every Friday night. Junmyeon originally asks if they could just have bi-weekly lunch meetings, but Chanyeol insists his bank account won’t be able to take the strain. Unable to put Chanyeol through a financial crisis, Junmyeon has no choice but to spend more intimate time with Chanyeol, such as hanging out in his apartment or watching his favorite movies with him.
By the end of first week, Junmyeon thinks he could get used to spending time with Chanyeol, and finds himself looking forward to their meetups.
After the second week, the two begin to slowly get more touchy with each other. Chanyeol, constantly full of energy, often leans into Junmyeon as a way to prevent himself from running around when they’re in public. Junmyeon, on the other hand, finds himself reaching out to fix Chanyeol’s messy hair or wipe food crumbs off his face when they go out to eat. He tries to ignore the fluttering feeling in his chest whenever Chanyeol smiles at him when they hang out.
When they hit the three week mark, Junmyeon realizes he has legitimate feelings for Chanyeol. Naturally, he doesn’t mention it to anyone, but every time he’s around the taller man he feels like he can’t breathe properly. Junmyeon starts to miss hearing his voice when they’re not hanging out, and he begins to dream about Chanyeol. He often finds himself waking up disappointed because Chanyeol isn’t by his side, and Junmyeon isn’t sure how much longer he can take feeling this way.
Chanyeol, Junmyeon learns, is a lovely human being.
He has no idea how anyone could bring themselves to not like him, himself included.
On Friday, Junmyeon reschedules his dinner date with Chanyeol to hang out with Jongdae, who claimed it was a “matter of utmost importance, and that all romantic or sexual tension must be put on hold.” With more reluctance than he wish he felt, Junmyeon quickly texts Chanyeol that he can’t make it, and heads over to Jongdae’s house.
When he arrives at the house, Jongdae swings his door open less than a second after Junmyeon initially rang the doorbell, and drags him inside.
“I could’ve just walked myself in, you know!” Junmyeon complains, brushing his clothes down. Jongdae dismisses him with a wave of his hand, and ushers Junmyeon further into his house.
“You’re not as nimble as you used to be,” Jongdae merely says, causing Junmyeon to huff.
“I still have more defined muscles than you,” Junmyeon argues, patting his stomach knowingly.
“Muscles are out, hyung, sorry to break it to you,” Jongdae playfully shoots him down, before shaking his head. “Wait a minute, you’re here for a serious reason, okay? We gotta talk, so you might wanna sit down with me.”
Junmyeon feels his body tense up, but he goes to sit by Jongdae and looks at him expectantly.
“I’m a little surprised you invited me here today of all days,” Junmyeon says when Jongdae remains quiet. “You guys have been very adamant about me spending time with Chanyeol lately.”
Jongdae tugs on his ear. “Yeah, about that…”
Junmyeon bites his lip nervously. “What? Are you guys calling the bet off?”
Jongdae scoffs. “Hah, no. Though I’m sure that’s what you want to hear.”
Not at all, Junmyeon’s conscious blurts, and that thought terrifies me. “I’m impartial to it, I guess. I have grown used to the kid though. He’s sweet.”
“I know,” Jongdae folds his hands together, “and that’s the problem.”
“Huh?” Junmyeon’s eyes widen.
“You’re going to ruin him,” Jongdae specifies, and Junmyeon feels like he’s been shot. Before he can justify his own feelings, Jongdae continues. “Chanyeol, he’s... God, how do I word this without making him sound like a burden…”
Junmyeon wants to interrupt Jongdae, yell at him for even assuming Chanyeol would ever be a burden, but he sits still, his fists tightly balled up by his sides.
“Chanyeol seems to be falling for you,” Jongdae finally explains, and Junmyeon stops breathing.
“Oh, God,” Junmyeon finally says after a short moment of silence, and buries his hands into his face. “How do you know?”
“Chanyeol told Baekhyun,” Jongdae explains as he plays with a coaster, “and Baekhyun, being Baekhyun, told me.”
“What did he say exactly?” Junmyeon asks, needing clarification.
Jongdae hums. “Well, since I didn’t hear it from Chanyeol directly, I’m sure Baekhyun exaggerated everything to hell and back.”
“Jongdae, please.”
“I’m getting there!” Jongdae waves his hand around, gripping the coaster he was previously playing with tightly. “Baekhyun said Chanyeol really liked how nice you are with him, and how he feels he can always rely on you. Guess you’re doing a really good job at being his lover, but my issue with this isn’t because of him. It’s you.”
Ah. “Care to clarify?” Junmyeon asks, keeping his voice level.
“Uh, hello, remember Joohyun?” Jongdae mentions his ex, and Junmyeon knows what he’s implying. “And all your other ex-lovers? I’m not saying partners for a reason, just so you know.”
Junmyeon sighs, and runs his hands through his hair. “I’m not using Chanyeol for sex, or in general. We haven’t even kissed.”
“Oh, so suddenly emotional manipulation requires you to be officially eloped with someone,” Jongdae remarks sarcastically.
“I’m not using him in any way, I just told you that,” Junmyeon argues. “And I’m most certainly not trying to manipulate him.” He would never go out of his way to hurt Chanyeol, or anyone in general. Why can’t Jongdae see that?
Because you haven’t told him how you actually feel.
“Not being honest is deception, you do know that right?” Jongdae pauses to let out a dry laugh. “The guy really likes you, and you’re just… playing around with him. And I know you like him too, even though it seems you don’t feel the same way he does.”
I do, though, Junmyeon wishes he could say, but he just can’t bring himself to.
“Look, hyung,” Jongdae continues. “I like you, of course. We’re always gonna be friends, and this conversation doesn’t change that. But you should know that if you hurt Chanyeol by not being honest with him or leading him on, I’m not going to forgive you.”
Junmyeon lowers his head. “I don’t know what I should do, Jongdae,” he all but whispers. “I’m going to hurt him either way, it seems.”
Jongdae pats Junmyeon on the back. “Well, first you need to stop thinking that wanting to be with someone else is awful and unprofessional.”
“I don’t--”
“Stop, stop,” Jongdae interrupts him. “I’m talking about being with someone platonically here, not just romantic or sexual. If you care for Chanyeol, you need to let him know, verbally. He’s not going to be able to figure that out on his own. He probably feels like he’s forcing you to be with him.”
Yet I feel like it’s the other way around, Junmyeon thinks.
“He’s not,” Junmyeon says. It’s scary, he thinks, exposing his own feelings like this, especially when he knows they never last.
“Well, tell him that.”
Junmyeon thinks back to their first day, when he told Chanyeol it was okay if he viewed them as legitimate lovers. He wonders if Chanyeol knew he was exaggerating the truth at the time.
Junmyeon wonders if it’s too late to tell Chanyeol he isn’t exaggerating anymore.
“Three weeks isn’t that long of a time, honestly,” Jongdae continues, slightly startling Junmyeon out of his own train of thought. “You guys still have over two months left to figure stuff out. And I know you don’t like him this way, but we never said you couldn’t start dating while being lovers, or anything like that. Hell, we started this bet so you guys could see how compatible you actually are.”
“Forced relationships never work out,” Junmyeon shakes his head.
“Okay, well, people also change,” Jongdae says. “Neither of you two really hung out before, and you never had one on one. Now you know you guys actually have chemistry. It’s not that hard, hyung.”
To you, maybe, Junmyeon wants to say.
“Just…” Jongdae motions with his hands when Junmyeon doesn’t respond, “just tell Chanyeol how you actually feel. He deserves to know the truth, and you can’t keep running away from people like this anymore.”
Junmyeon wonders if Jongdae secretly knows he does like Chanyeol romantically, or maybe he just gives the same relationship advice to everyone.
“I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” Junmyeon decides. “You said we have over two months to… feel everything out.”
“God, hyung, you’re hopeless,” Jongdae leans back into his couch. “Do whatever you want, but if you end up losing his trust because of this, don’t think you have a right to be upset or wonder why.”
Junmyeon wishes he could find a flaw in Jongdae’s statement, but he can’t.
+++
“I think I like you, hyung.” Chanyeol confesses one day, exactly one month after their bet began. They’re currently at Chanyeol’s apartment watching reruns of an old drama Junmyeon hasn’t seen in years, though he still recollects most of it. Junmyeon promised not to spoil Chanyeol, but he knows the romantic confession scene is coming up within the next few scenes. He wants to laugh at the irony.
“Well, I like you too, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon can hear his pulse ringing in his ears, and it’s making him feel ill.
“No, you don’t,” Chanyeol shakes his head. Junmyeon turns to face him, but Chanyeol’s eyes are glued to the television. “You don’t like me the way I like you.”
“Chanyeol--”
“And that’s okay,” Chanyeol continues, “as long as you’re just honest with me.”
Are we seriously already having this conversation? Junmyeon thinks to himself. “I do like you, though.”
“And I said you don’t the way I do. I didn’t say you don’t like me, it’s just not the same.”
“How would you know that, though?” Junmyeon lowers the television volume, and Chanyeol’s eyes glaze over.
“Ah,” Chanyeol presses his lips together, “when our friends were teasing us a while ago, they said some stuff that made me think you don’t… do romance, or just maybe dating in general.”
Junmyeon’s heart sinks, but he doesn’t want to tell Chanyeol he’s wrong about his issues with relationships. After all, he isn’t.
“I can,” Junmyeon chooses his words carefully, rubbing his hands together, “I just… well, nothing is really meant to last, I guess, and sometimes I can’t get that thought out of my head, and suddenly I find myself losing interest. And that ruins a lot about relationships for both myself, and others.”
“Oh,” is all Chanyeol says. After a while, he turns to face Junmyeon for the first time in a while. This time, Junmyeon stares at the television, counting down the moments until the confession scene.
“Are you… aromantic?” Chanyeol quietly asks.
Junmyeon pauses to consider the question for a minute. “I never really thought about it before,” he confesses. “I don’t think so, no. I’ve definitely felt love before, so there’s that.”
“I meant romantic love…” Chanyeol trails off, his eyes focusing back on the television. “Though, I guess people who identify as that can also.” The female protagonist on screen is currently gearing up to confess to her love, and Junmyeon sighs.
“I also meant romantic love, though,” he answers, honestly.
Chanyeol opens his mouth to speak but closes it before any words come out. He tries to talk one more time before groaning and slumping down on the couch. “Have you felt it with me?” He asks, quietly. “I won’t be hurt as long as you answer truthfully.”
Junmyeon feels hot, but he doesn’t dare to take off his sweater, nor move in general. “I really, truly, don’t know how to answer this,” he confesses, trying to be as honest as possible. “I think. I just. Maybe. I sometimes feel like I do.” Chanyeol is staring at him, and Junmyeon knows he has to say more. “Sometimes I can’t tell if I feel this way about you because we were told to be together like this, or if it’s my own free will. I guess that’s… where I’m at right now.”
Chanyeol shuffles ever so slightly closer to Junmyeon, like he doesn’t want the older to know he wants to be closer to him. Junmyeon moves his hand out of the way, leaving nothing between the two of them.
“Hey,” Chanyeol starts, his face flushed. “So should we… maybe test to see if your feelings are, I don’t know how to word this… if they’re real…?”
“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asks, but he gets the feeling he knows what Chanyeol is going to ask for.
“If we… you could… oh God, sometimes I hate myself so much,” Chanyeol buries his face into his hands and lets out a shaky breath, catching Junmyeon by surprise.
“Hey, hey, wait, what’s wrong?” Junmyeon scoots next to Chanyeol, and places his hand on Chanyeol’s back to ground him.
“Did I do something wrong? Like, during our time together? Am I really that stupid?” Chanyeol questions, his voice muffled due to his hands.
“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asks, before realizing he’s doing a terrible job at comforting Chanyeol. “I mean, you haven’t done anything to upset me at all, so I just don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s just… I hate how I present myself as someone who’s capable of doing all the talking, and all the work,” Chanyeol explains, “and then in the heat of the moment, I’m nothing. I can’t actually do or say anything. It’s too much. I’m just, I’m such a damn mess. I wish people were capable of reading minds sometimes.” Before Junmyeon can reply, Chanyeol lifts his head up and shakes his back so Junmyeon removes his hand. “Though in the end, I guess if people could read minds, life would be pretty boring, huh?”
Junmyeon suddenly realizes how much he dislikes his current self.
“It’s okay,” Junmyeon says, and he means it, “I’ll do the work for you. It’s okay to ask sometimes.”
You should take your own advice.
Chanyeol opens his mouth again, most likely to protest against Junmyeon’s proclamation, but stops when he sees Junmyeon leaning in and staring at his lips. Junmyeon doesn’t move, instead, his eyes shift from Chanyeol’s lips to his eyes, to non-verbally confirm if what he was about to do was what Chanyeol wanted. Chanyeol lets out a soft whine before nodding, and Junmyeon leans in.
Junmyeon kisses the corners of Chanyeol’s lips first as a way to get him to relax, before he gently plants a kiss directly on his lips. When Chanyeol doesn’t kiss back, Junmyeon leans away to check to see if the younger is okay.
“Am I making you do this?” Is all Chanyeol asks.
Yes, but I need the push, Junmyeon thinks. I’m the one that put myself in this situation in the first place.
“I want to,” Junmyeon chooses to say, and it’s true. He just wouldn’t have indulged his fantasies if he didn’t feel the need to pursue them.
Chanyeol makes Junmyeon feel braver than usual, which also makes him feel like he has less control of himself.
“Can we... again?” Chanyeol suddenly asks, and his voice cracks. Junmyeon wants to laugh, but he’s afraid he’ll be sick if he opens his mouth.
Junmyeon nods, and catches Chanyeol’s lips once more. Chanyeol instinctively wraps his arms around Junmyeon and squeezes him, and Junmyeon feels himself mentally panic due to the intimacy.
This is okay, he tries to tell himself, you don’t have to run away. You want this. You told him you did. You vowed to stop lying.
Junmyeon wants to be doing this, wants to be kissing Chanyeol. He wants to hold him, and be held himself, and Chanyeol is currently clinging to Junmyeon so hard he is certain he can feel the younger’s heartbeat tap against his own chest.
So why?
“I--” Junmyeon breaks away first, after only a few minutes of soft kissing. “Wait, I’m-- sorry, I don’t think I can after all. I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol blurts, and Junmyeon feels his heart ache. “If I did something wrong, please let me know. I won’t be upset.”
It’s not you, it’s me, he wants to say, wants to scream. I just don’t want to get bored with you.
I just don’t want you to get bored with me.
He’s not going to get bored of Chanyeol. He can never get enough of him.
“I have to go,” Junmyeon decides to say. “I forgot I have work early tomorrow.”
“Hyung--”
“I’ll see you around, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon quickly says, and walks out the door before Chanyeol has a chance to respond.
With every step he takes down from Chanyeol’s apartment, Junmyeon hates himself more.
+++
Junmyeon decides to not see Chanyeol the next day, even though they had plans to go Christmas shopping in the evening for their friends. He wonders if Chanyeol got someone else to take him, or if he’s still at home.
He thought Chanyeol would be mass spamming him with texts, but to his surprise, it’s been completely silent on his end. Junmyeon feels bad for assuming Chanyeol would chase after him, and even worse because he isn’t.
Later that day while clocking out, Junmyeon gets a text, and nearly drops his work ID as he scrambles to unlock his phone. His shoulders slump in disappointment when he sees it was simply Minseok, but Junmyeon tenses up a moment later after he finishes reading the message.
[5:02 PM]
>Don’t forget to take pics when you’re out shopping
>You’ve been a lot better about it tho, I almost feel like I don’t need to ask
>Makes me feel like a babysitter
>Well, rules are rules and a bet’s a bet
Junmyeon puts his phone away, and decides he’ll deal with Minseok tomorrow.
Sunday means no work days, which also means Junmyeon has absolutely zero distractions from the extreme anxiety and guilt eating away at him. It also means he can’t avoid Minseok’s messages for much longer.
[9:10 AM]
>Soooo
>Because you didn’t answer, I got his number from Sehun and
>Any reason why Chanyeol says you guys aren’t talking right now?
>You’re lucky this is the start of a new week, so you still have more chances to hang out
Junmyeon stares at the messages for a good five minutes, trying to figure out how to express the truth without exposing himself emotionally.
[9:17 AM]
>I don’t know. I messed something up, and figured he needed space.
>I’m sure we’ll talk later in the week like you said
[9:19 AM]
>Lol
>Chanyeol doesn’t exactly have the whole ‘ugh I need space please don’t talk to me for like 6 weeks’ mode that you have
>And I know you guys have gotten a lot closer due to always hanging out
>So please don’t do that thing you do where you cut someone off the second they get intimately close to you
Junmyeon groans. Talking to Minseok on a serious level was always one of the most difficult things for him, due to his ability to pinpoint everything wrong with Junmyeon without seemingly trying.
[9:23 AM]
>It’s just a bet to you guys
>In the end, I mean
[9:24 AM]
>Nice “in the end” save man
>Almost exposed the fact that it’s totally more than just a bet at this rate to you
Junmyeon considers hurling.
[9:25 AM]
>Anyway Junmyeon just listen
>You guys can become official and the bet will still be good
>Like, so what if you both have feelings for each other now
>That was kind of the whole point in our minds anyway
Well, I didn’t sign up for that, Junmyeon thinks. I didn’t sign up for these feelings.
[9:28 AM]
>I’ll think about it
Junmyeon shakes his head, and crawls back into bed.
Minseok never responds to Junmyeon’s message, which is fine. Chanyeol still hasn’t texted him, two days after Junmyeon ran out, which he swears he’s okay with.
The day after that, and there’s still no word, from either Chanyeol or the rest of their friends. He wonders if this is what Jongdae meant when he said he would never forgive him if he hurt Chanyeol.
By the fifth day, Junmyeon realizes he’s getting the silent treatment.
One week later, Junmyeon can’t take it anymore, and texts Chanyeol.
[3:22 PM]
>I’ll buy you the stereo system.
Junmyeon waits two hours before checking to see if Chanyeol responded. When his notifications are empty, he feels him stomach twist in both relief and disappointment. He goes to click on Chanyeol’s contact information, which has a photo of Chanyeol making a peace sign and winking. He remembers the day the picture was taken, around two weeks into their bet. Chanyeol took Junmyeon’s phone out of his hand while they were window shopping, and snapped a few selfies. Junmyeon never told him that after he was done being fake-mad at him, he made his favorite selfie from the bunch Chanyeol’s contact photo. In the image, Junmyeon can faintly make out his figure in the background, and his heart aches.
Before locking his phone, his phone vibrates.
[5:40 PM]
>sorry
>i should’ve messaged you
>i don’t really want it anymore idk
>i haven’t really been able to find motivation for work lately, and rent is just so expensive, and aaaaa
>i was thinking of just job hunting for whatever
>you should keep your money for someone who’s less high maintenance lol
God, Junmyeon wants to hug him, even though he doesn’t deserve to.
[5:48 PM]
>uhh ignore that last part haha
>sorry if it came off like i was insulting you
Junmyeon watches as the typing bubble continuously pops up and vanishes from Chanyeol’s messaging screen.
[5:52 PM]
>god actually
>i am kind of hurt tho
>godddddd
>i’m actualyl?? really hurt wtf
>like, do you know how bad you made me feel for just leavign???/ and making me think i emotionally manipulated you into kissing me??? or jsut forced you to spend time with me in general..,?
>whatever, it’s not worth it
>sorry
Don’t think you have a right to be upset, Jongdae words echo in the back of Junmyeon’s mind.
“Shit,” he mumbles under his breath, and rubs his temples. “Shit, shit, shit.” Junmyeon really doesn’t want to have this conversation through texting.
[5:59 PM]
>You shouldn’t apologize, I’m sorry you feel like you need to
>I didn’t panic because of you
>Can we maybe meet and talk about this?
Junmyeon watches the [delivered] section of the messaging screen turn to [read]. However, Chanyeol doesn’t reply.
[6:07 PM]
>If you’d like, we can meet at my place.
>It’s only fair you get to see it when I’ve seen yours so many times
Chanyeol reads his message a few seconds later. Junmyeon lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding when he watches Chanyeol’s typing bubble show up on his screen.
[6:10 PM]
>i guess we can
>when
Junmyeon looks around his simplistic house, and thinks about all of his art in storage he never hung on the walls.
[6:12 PM]
>Wednesday, 6pm?
>I can text you the address.
Junmyeon hopes that will give him enough time to make his house feel like a home.
[6:14 PM]
>ok
>i’ll be waiting
+++
Junmyeon doesn’t sleep much on Tuesday night, or maybe at all.
On the bright side, he’s grateful he picked a work day to meet up with Chanyeol, so he could have a distraction to prevent himself from overthinking. It was his fatal weakness, hyper-analyzing one situation until he ruined everything good about it, and Junmyeon was not about to let one of his worst qualities ruin one of the best people in his life.
At 6:00pm on the dot, Junmyeon glances through his windows for any sign of Chanyeol pulling up to his driveway, even though he knows traffic is bad and Chanyeol most likely will be late.
Relax, his brain tells him, and Junmyeon jokingly thinks it’s the first time in a while his thoughts weren’t extremely negative.
When he hears the doorbell finally ring, Junmyeon shoots up and he scrambles to answer the door. His hand gingerly touches the doorknob and he hesitates to make a move, like its hot and there’s a fire just beyond the door. In a certain sense, he isn’t wrong. The doorbell rings again, followed by a knock, and instinctively Junmyeon’s grip tightens and he swings the door open.
“Um, hi,” Junmyeon awkwardly says when he’s face-to-face with Chanyeol for the first time in over a week. God, I missed you, he wants to say. I’m sorry and I missed you.
But of course, he doesn’t, because it’s not his place to miss him after what he did.
“Can I… come in?” Chanyeol stares at him, and Junmyeon realizes he’s been mentally talking to himself for nearly a minute.
“I- Yes, of course,” Junmyeon stammers, and watches as Chanyeol shoots him a glance before casually strutting into Junmyeon’s house. Junmyeon tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach due to Chanyeol’s tired and detached appearance.
“So,” Chanyeol starts, “what do you want to talk about?”
Damn. Junmyeon really won’t be able to get off easy in this situation.
“About us,” Junmyeon chooses his words carefully, “about you. And how you’re feeling.”
“I already told you how I felt,” Chanyeol stubbornly bites back. Junmyeon hasn’t seen him like this before.
“Vaguely,” Junmyeon shifts, still feeling the draft from his door. “Why don’t you come more inside and we can talk about it face-to-face? I could make you some coffee, or order pizza, or maybe--”
"Junmyeon-hyung,” Chanyeol interrupts. “Could you just-- can you maybe just,” he lifts up one of his hands and makes a slow swiping down motion, a signal for Junmyeon to tone it down. When Junmyeon purses his lips and goes lax, Chanyeol nods. “Yeah, better. You’re just going to make me feel overwhelemed at this rate.”
Ah. “I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says as quietly as he can without whispering. “I just want you to feel comfortable in my house. After all, you’ve never been here before.”
“I know,” Chanyeol scoffs, and Junmyeon feels a sharp pain in his chest.
“Well, you can take a look around if you’d like,” Junmyeon clasps his hands together and tries his best to smile. Chanyeol nods slightly and his eyes trail around the pseudo living room and kitchen area. Junmyeon feels self-conscious as Chanyeol reaches out to touch whatever object or wall is in his line of sight, as he continues down the hall to where Junmyeon hung up his art from storage.
“Oh wow,” Chanyeol mumbles under his breath, his current closed-off demeanor slowly slipping away. “These paintings are so nice.” He reaches out to touch the frame holding the painting that’s closest to him, his long fingers slightly bumping up and down over the frame’s texture. Chanyeol slowly backs away to stare at the other ones, studying them closely. “Ah, I can’t remember the name of this one, but I studied it in a class once. For a copy, this painting looks so real,” he reaches out to directly touch the painting itself, but stops when he realizes what he was about to do.
“That one’s one of my favorites,” Junmyeon says, slightly taken off guard by how far-off his voice feels.
“It’s a good one,” Chanyeol agrees, before his hands drop and he turns to Junmyeon. “You never told me you liked art. Come to think of it, you never really told me about anything you like.” He runs his hands through his hair and breaks eye contact with Junmyeon to stare at the floor. “Did I even fall for the real Kim Junmyeon?”
It takes a moment for Junmyeon to register what Chanyeol just implied.
“Y--” Junmyeon stops to take a deep breath, “you’ve fallen for me?”
Chanyeol lets out a short laugh while his lips are pressed tightly together. “I’m exaggerating for dramatic effect,” he goes back to playing with another portrait frame, “but you should already be aware that I do really like you. I just don’t know if you’ve even been that honest with your personality. I keep thinking maybe I won’t like the real you.”
“I eventually became as open as I could with you,” Junmyeon protests. “As open as I could be with anyone, besides Jongdae, but I’ve known him for ages.”
“Keyword eventually,” Chanyeol argues back.
“Well, how could you expect me to treat you like a normal ‘lover’ when we had the whole bet thing dangling over our heads?”
Chanyeol’s eyes widen. “Wait, wait. You said you were treating me normally from day one,” he says, referencing back to their first official date. “Remember? When Jongin assumed we were dating… you said it was all okay… hyung, were you lying?”
Junmyeon closes his eyes. “I didn’t want to alienate you even more.”
“It doesn’t matter!” Chanyeol shakes his head, stepping away from the paintings. “I asked you like, what, three times if it was okay, and you still weren’t able to just be like ‘oh sorry, I would be kind of uncomfortable if you put yourself in the mindset that we are actually a legitimate item, sorry!’ I mean, God, did you feel even slightly bad for lying to my face?”
“Yes!” Junmyeon interrupts. “Yes, and I regret it so much!”
Junmyeon doesn’t understand why he feels so submissive suddenly, so exposed. Like any negative word Chanyeol throws at him will instantly tear him apart.
“Then you should’ve told me on your own time instead of having a major slip up like this one,” Chanyeol says, unforgiving. “God, I’m done. I’m so done with this. I can’t deal with having to second-guess all our memories together. It’s too much.”
“Then I’ll just tell you that the rest are all genuine!” Junmyeon shouts, much louder than he wanted to, and Chanyeol flinches. Before Junmyeon can apologize, Chanyeol starts to cry.
“Wait, what?” Junmyeon accidentally says aloud, before shaking his head and rushing over to check up on Chanyeol, now slumped down on the floor.
“No!” Chanyeol shakes his head back and forth aggressively. “Don’t touch me, I’ll get sick.”
“Okay, okay,” Junmyeon nods his head, and backs away slowly.
“Wait, don’t leave,” Chanyeol babbles, and grips Junmyeon’s hand and tugs him back to his previous position.
“What should I do?” Junmyeon asks, his voice soft. Chanyeol visibly relaxes, and his eyes look heavy.
“Just stay there, if you want to,” Chanyeol shrugs, and sniffles. “I don’t know, sorry. I shut down when people yell. I should’ve warned you, but you’re normally so soft-spoken I never thought it would be an issue.”
Junmyeon cracks a small smile, and Chanyeol looks up at him.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” Junmyeon shakes his head. “It’s just, I’m not really that quiet of a person I feel. I’m just polite and relatively introverted.”
“Ah, no,” Chanyeol furrows his brows, and his eyes unfocus once more. “I meant your tone of voice. It’s really nice.” Chanyeol ducks his head down and begins to play with the rips on his jeans before continuing. “It reminds me of a babbling brook in a forest. Like, it’s really clear and flows well, but it’s also kind of active and has this... how do I describe it…” He lifts his hands up and forms a paw-pad shape with his palms, and begins to gently swipe his fingers up and down. “That kind of feel to it. If that makes sense.”
“That’s kind of amazing, actually,” Junmyeon muses, and Chanyeol looks up at him for clarification. “That you can describe something like that.”
“Oh,” Chanyeol turns red and tugs on his hoodie. “Thanks, I guess.”
“Can we still talk about…” Junmyeon gestures between the two of them. Chanyeol sniffles and nods.
“Yeah, I just…” Chanyeol frustratingly tugs on his hair. “You lied to keep me at a distance because you were afraid of getting bored with me. From what angle does that look good?”
Junmyeon taps the floor with his fingernails. “I didn’t want you to become unhealthily attached to me, or something like that. A lot of people who’ve liked me have tended to idealize me or put me on a pedestal or whatever, and that ruins so much for me. I don’t know if it’s because I just feel like I have to be nice to everyone no matter what, or something else.”
“Okay, well, I wasn’t going to do that,” Chanyeol mumbles. “I don’t do that with people. And I don’t like that you made the executive decision to prevent me from feeling a certain way without my consent.” Junmyeon nods in understanding, but Chanyeol opens his mouth to continue speaking. “But I can understand where you’re coming from, so I’m not as upset as I’d like to be.”
“Really?” Junmyeon asks.
“Don’t assume I’m not hurt though, or that I’m going to just forgive you,” Chanyeol shakes his head. “I’m just saying it really sounds like you acted out of fear here, and… I get that.”
“What do you mean?”
“My ex…” Chanyeol trails off, and looks away. “I never really told you about them, but yeah. I just… I know a thing or two about acting out of fear.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Junmyeon asks. “You don’t have to of course, but maybe you’d feel better if you let me know what was going on, or what happened between you two.”
“I’ve been trying to think about how to say it for a few weeks,” Chanyeol confesses, rocking back and forth. “Because I did want you to hear it, but then, you know, we had the whole issue… and I couldn’t properly tell you.”
“Are you ready now?”
“I think so. I just, I don’t know where to start.”
“Hey, do you think I could rub your back?” Junmyeon blurts out of nowhere.
“Um… sure? Do you not want to listen then after all?”
“No, it’s not that,” Junmyeon reassures him as he places his hands on Chanyeol’s back, feeling the warmth of the taller permeate his hands. “I just thought if you could focus on something else subconsciously, it would be easier to speak.”
Chanyeol deflates as Junmyeon starts to gently rock his hands back and forth. “That’s… wow. That’s really nice of you. Thanks. Though, uh, I still really don’t know where to start.”
“Hmm,” Junmyeon hums, “when did you start to notice or feel an issue in your past relationship?” Maybe verbally prompting Chanyeol will help, Junmyeon thinks.
It seems to work, because Chanyeol snaps his fingers and makes a sound of recognition. “Well, they always kind of thought I wasn’t that smart, so they would try to make decisions for me, or just walk all over me. Which is why I got so hurt when it sounded like you were trying to withhold information or feelings from me. But it’s like… it was more than that too, because I guess I’m used to people thinking I’m stupid.”
“For the record, I think you’re really creative,” Junmyeon says as he works out a knot on Chanyeol’s back. “That thing you said earlier about my voice was so interesting, I really doubt most people would be able to pick up something like that.”
“Thanks,” Chanyeol nods, and lets out a slight groan of protest when Junmyeon digs his thumb into the knot on his back. “Okay, but also, I guess to sum that part up it would be ‘hey, I really don’t like people trying to control my emotions, or telling me what I can and cannot feel.’ And I’m not saying you’re like them, but I don’t know. Come to think of it though, my first girlfriend was also kind of like that. God, is this my thing? Can I only be attracted to people who make decisions for me? Am I doomed to only put myself in unhealthy situations?”
Junmyeon can feel Chanyeol’s back tense up, so he lightly runs his hands up and down his back to creating a soothing and repetitive pattern for him to tune into. “Well, I mean, I would never want to accidentally trigger or upset you. You’re worth putting my own insecurities aside.” Junmyeon stops rubbing Chanyeol’s back for a moment. “Ah, but I don’t mean that in a guilt trippy way though. As in, it’s something I should be doing anyway. You can continue with your story, also.”
“Mhm,” Chanyeol hums, and wiggles his back slightly to remind Junmyeon to keep going. “I think I’m just… really scared? Paranoid, maybe? Besides my previous partner not really having faith in my intelligence, I kind of felt like they were just using me.”
“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asks as his hands move upwards to Chanyeol’s neck. Chanyeol shudders slightly, but neither of them mention it.
“Like, they supposedly fell out of love with me a few months before we even broke up… but they just… never told me? I think they wanted to feel less lonely, so even though they didn’t like me anymore, they didn’t break up with me just so they could have the comfort of the label. Also, before you tell me that I’m assuming, they always implied this in their conversations with me.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Junmyeon mumbles, his hands ghosting around Chanyeol’s ear lobes. “That you were being used.”
“That’s why our friends were making fun of us, it seems,” Chanyeol sighs. “Due to some weird parallels. To be honest, when they said you used people, I was really scared of you in the heat of the moment. Though it seemed you also had a lot of issues, so I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.”
“You don’t have to answer this, but how do you feel now?"
Chanyeol clicks his tongue. “That fear is still there, and I’m not gonna lie about that. Which is why I expect you to be honest with me too.” Chanyeol shakes Junmyeon’s hands off his head and turns around to directly face him. “But, you’re trying, and it means so much to me. Makes me feel like you care back. And I really, really, need that.” Chanyeol slowly leans into Junmyeon, and Junmyeon wraps both his arms around Chanyeol’s head and wiggles them both to the floor. It’s unfortunately hardwood in the hallway, but Junmyeon doesn’t mind at all, not when he can feel Chanyeol’s warmth emanating off so close to himself.
“I did a lot of stupid shit, didn’t I?” Junmyeon shakes his head. Chanyeol chuckles, and Junmyeon feels the rumble on his own chest.
“Yes, honestly. But you can make up for it by being honest with me. Which brings me into my next point… I need you to tell me now if you can be open with me, starting now. Because if you can’t, I’m not going to do this just because I like you. I need to do some self-advocating.”
“It’ll be hard to let my walls down,” Junmyeon admits, “but I already had my wake-up call when we didn’t text for like a week. Hardest waiting period ever, by the way, if I do say so myself.”
“Hey. Why did you leave me in the dark for so long?” Chanyeol asks. “It’s been on my mind for a bit.”
“Ah, you know, the usual. Total and complete fear of direct confrontation.”
“I like how our issues are extremely contradicting and incompatible.”
“Well, all the more reason for us to overcome our downsides, right?” Junmyeon pats Chanyeol on the head, and he nods in agreement.
“I like that,” Chanyeol agrees. “Turning and negative into a positive. Wow. I really didn’t expect this turn of events tonight.”
“What were you expecting?”
“Hah,” Chanyeol laughs. “I was trying to have this really apathetic front, but it totally didn’t work. When you yelled by mistake, I just totally lost it. Actually, I kinda lost it once I saw all your paintings.” He shifts a bit before continuing. “Um, though… when did you actually start to feel… feelings for me?”
Junmyeon hums, looking back on his memories. “Well, the thing is, I feel like started liking you since day one, but I repressed it so hard I was being kind of fake with you. Does that… make sense?”
Chanyeol shrugs. “I guess. Could you say more?”
“Remember that time during the end of our first week together, when you tripped on a patch of ice while walking to my car?”
“Ugh, don’t remind me! I was so mortified I wanted to die in that moment.”
“Okay, well, before I rushed out of my car to check on you, I swear my heart short-circuited. That’s when I thought ‘well shit, I better pretend that didn’t just happen.’ And, I mean, it kind of worked…? For like, a week. Around three weeks into our whole ordeal, I had this huge realization that I really did like you, because I started physically feeling empty whenever we weren’t hanging out. I mean, who else would be affecting me that way? It’s not like I could’ve just blamed Baekhyun for my emptiness and heart aches.”
“Wow hyung, that’s… so homo,” Chanyeol sounds genuinely in awe. “And validating.”
“Homo and validating,” Junmyeon repeats, “my only two character traits from now on.”
Chanyeol bursts into laughter, and Junmyeon feels his heart swell.
“I really like you,” he suddenly says. “Just incase you needed to hear it. And, I kind of needed to say it too I feel. For myself.”
“Okay, so you already know I like you too,” Chanyeol comments casually, though it still makes Junmyeon’s stomach flip, “but I’m really glad you’re saying these things. I think we both need it.”
“Yeah,” Junmyeon agrees. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Well, can we start by getting off the floor? I mean, I wanna still do whatever we’re doing, but in a more comfy position!”
“Cuddling?” Junmyeon blurts, though slightly embarrassed.
“Augh, you can’t just say cuddling!” Chanyeol whines, sitting up and flapping his arms around. “It’s a sacred word!”
“Snuggling, then?” Junmyeon suggests.
“Noooo,” Chanyeol squirms around, and covers his hands with his face. “It’s too cute. I’m so weak…!”
You’re the cute one here, Junmyeon wants to say, but he’s convinced Chanyeol will burst into flames if he says anything more.
“Okay, okay, how about… wait for it… physically embracing each other for a positive emotional experience?”
“Oh ouch, that was so bad,” Chanyeol shakes his head and makes a tsk-tsk sound of disapproval. “But yes, I would love to do that with you. There’s been too many emotional ups-and-downs today, and I am very overwhelmed.”
“We can unwind on my famous throne,” Junmyeon gestures towards his black suede couch that has far too many decorative pillows than it needs.
“What makes it famous?” Chanyeol asks, playing along with Junmyeon’s joke. Unfortunately, Junmyeon hasn’t gotten that far.
“Uh, I watch a lot of baking shows and foreign films on this guy after a long day of work.”
“You didn’t tell me you were ‘funny,’ hyung,” Chanyeol lifts his hands up to form fake quotation marks when he says funny, and Junmyeon playfully shoves him.
“Haha, never heard that one before,” Junmyeon shakes his head. “Now come here.”
Chanyeol crawls on top of Junmyeon’s lap, and wriggles around until he’s found a comfortable position. “I can’t believe you’re letting me lay on top of you when I’m so much taller and more broad.”
“Yes, yes, we get it, I’m short,” Junmyeon teases. “I’ll have you know if we ever arm wrestled I would beat you with ease.”
“Sounds nice,” Chanyeol says, and he sounds serious. “Wait, God, that was weird.”
Junmyeon raises his eyebrow. “I guess I’ll find out what you’re talking about eventually.”
Chanyeol lets out a gurgle, and buries his head in Junmyeon’s neck. “I can’t believe I thought I was going to get over you tonight.”
“I’m sorry you felt that way,” Junmyeon apologizes once more. “I think we should still call off the bet though.”
“Oh...?” Chanyeol sticks his head up. “Did I… misunderstand something?”
“No, it’s not that. I did say I’d buy you the stereo system, right? Like hell I’m going to give our friends the satisfaction of winning a bet. I want to buy the system so there’s no weird sense of obligation between us. Is that okay?”
“Oh God, that’s... okay, wow, I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to hear this,” Chanyeol pauses to let out a breathy laugh. “Yes, that would make me feel a lot better.”
“I’m glad,” Junmyeon tells him. “I really don’t want you to give up your work, you know. Maybe having this will help you.”
“Ah, right…” Chanyeol trails off. “I get so shitty and self-deprecating when I’m sad. Bad habit.”
“I’m not saying you have to stick to music, but I really do want to see you achieve your dreams.”
“I know,” Chanyeol sighs. “Could you… like, forget all that shit I said? I wasn’t really myself when I sent those messages. I want to keep trying.”
“I will, but Chanyeol, I want you to know it’s okay to not always function at 100% or always be happy.”
Chanyeol looks taken aback, like no one ever told him it was okay to not be okay. Thankfully, he breaks out into a smile a few moments later. “Thanks for telling me, hyung. And thanks for inviting me over so we could resolve this.”
“Well, thank you for not giving up on me,” Junmyeon replies.
“You’re worth fighting for,” Chanyeol says.
Junmyeon feels his throat tighten with emotion, and he lets out a shaky sigh before plating a soft kiss on Chanyeol’s forehead.
So much, he thinks, you’re worth so much.
This time, he lets Chanyeol know that.