Chapter Text
For the second time that night, Jinyoung considers confessing to Jaebum.
They’re alone in Jaebum and Mark’s tiny kitchen, where the dull thump of music from the living room makes the dishes drying next to the sink shake. Jinyoung leans back against the wall, crumpling the paper of the hanging calendar. From beyond the open doorway leading to the hallway comes the cadence of their friends’ conversation and laughter, Jackson’s screech of laughter in particular piercing through the music.
Jaebum is kneeling on the floor in front of the refrigerator, attempting to liberate the beer Bambam had shoved to the back of his fridge. "Can you help me bring these in?" he asks, victorious, paper case of beer soggy in his hand as he reaches it behind him. He stands up once Jinyoung’s taken the beer, knees cracking. There’s a tidy array of liquor bottles on the shelf above the kitchen counter, and Jaebum eyes the row critically before grabbing a heavy bottle of mezcal.
Jinyoung raises his eyebrows, whistling. Mark had gone to Mexico with his parents on a holiday three months ago, and come back with one duffel bag that contained nothing but two bottles of the smoothest and deadliest liquor Jinyoung had ever tasted, wrapped lovingly in a few layers of Mark’s old Supreme hoodies. “Wow, fancy. You trust Yugyeom and Bambam with that?”
Jaebum snorts, opening a cabinet door in search of cups. “Hell no,” he says, lining up two glasses and carefully pouring an inch into each. He hands one to Jinyoung, touching the lips of their glasses together, his knuckles warm and solid against Jinyoung. “Grown ups only. Cheers.”
Jinyoung shudders as it goes down, which has everything to do with the burn of the alcohol and nothing at all with the way Jaebum makes and holds eye contact with him, winking in one corny, exaggerated motion. It’s annoyingly charming, and Jinyoung has to bite his tongue lest he blurt out something no one needs to hear. Hey Jaebum. I like you. Take a chance on me?
Instead, he says, "Wow, I won’t tell the kids you said that."
Jaebum snorts again. “And I won’t tell them you called them kids. Alright, you got the beer?” Jinyoung lifts up the case weighing down his arm, making a face. Jaebum pours out another shot of the nice mezcal, palming it carefully. At Jinyoung’s unasked question, Jaebum says simply, “For Jackson,” with an exasperated fondness, like duh of course it’s for Jackson, who else? Never mind that it’s been years.
—
Jaebum had been in the grade above Jinyoung and Jackson at school, though Jackson complained loudly and often that the two months Jaebum had on him barely counted. Jaebum was—still is—good-looking, which was why Jinyoung took notice of him in their introductory economics course in the first place. But there was something about the arrogant set of his jaw and the way he carried himself that Jinyoung recognized, processed, and wrote off.
But two weeks later, Jinyoung showed up to the treasurer’s clubs and activities budget meeting and watched Jaebum give up his seat so the nervous first year cheer squad girls could sit together. His no problem when they fluttered their thanks was short, but Jinyoung watched him pull the chair out for Chou Tzuyu, undisputed winner of the informal Prettiest First Year poll, and it had made him look, well, nice—well-mannered, actually, and surprisingly not creepy at all.
Jinyoung was there with a senior from the film club as film club treasurer-in-training, newly minted as of that morning when Taecyeon had snagged his hoodie as he was trying to leave and said, "Park Jinyoung. You look responsible. Meet me back here at five."
The treasurer made them do introductions, which was how Jinyoung discovered Jaebum was a second year photography major from Goyang-si, and the founder, captain, and apparently treasurer of the university’s b-boy team. Jinyoung wondered idly if he was, in fact, the only member of the university’s b-boy team, but held his tongue.
Afterwards, Jaebum picked his way through the crowd to come up to the two of them. "Hey, Taecyeon. Could you put me on the mailing list for film club?" he asked, looking through his backpack for a piece of paper to write his email address on. "I meant to sign up last year and forgot.”
Beaming, Taecyeon accepted the torn off corner of looseleaf. "First meeting’s next Thursday," he said, and then shoved the scrap into Jinyoung’s hands. "Jinyoung will get you on the list.” Because, apparently, Jinyoung was also now film club secretary.
Jaebum cut his eyes over to Jinyoung, barely sparing him a glance before they immediately slid back to Taecyeon. "Cool," he said, nodding. "See you around?" This, vaguely, was directed somewhere between the two of them, before he walked off again.
"Ugh," Jinyoung said, folding the paper into halves, and then fourths, shoving it into his hoodie pocket. "That guy’s in my econ lecture. He seems really intense."
“Jaebum’s a film studies major,” Taecyeon said, clapping Jinyoung on the shoulder, which, huh, Jinyoung never would have guessed. “They're all like that.”
Intense, though, was more than enough for Jackson, the floormate Jinyoung had wheedled into coming to the first film club meeting. Jaebum had walked in five minutes early and nodded a cool greeting at Jinyoung before taking a seat in the back corner of the room and pulling out what looked like econ notes. Jackson showed up just as Jinyoung was loading the DVD, flung himself into one of the few chairs still available, making the desk skid a little because Jackson never did anything quietly if he could help it, and glanced over at Jaebum in the seat next to him. And then he looked again.
"Oh my God," Jackson said in max-volume English. "Hey, I know you. Im Jaebum, right?"
A look of confusion passed across Jaebum’s face. "Uh, yeah," he said cautiously. "That’s me. Do I know you?"
Jackson laughed at that, leaning closer—even Jinyoung, up by the projector and distracted by the screech of chairs as everyone found their seats, could tell he was flirting. "Jackson Wang," Jackson said. "First year from Hong Kong. I met you when I visited last year, do you remember? I stayed with Mark. You lived on the same floor as him?"
Jaebum’s expression cleared, and he nodded. "Oh yeah," he said. "I remember you. The rowdy one who got too drunk at his first college party and had to be carried back to Mark’s room by, like, three people? That was a good look on you."
"You would be a good look on me," Jackson said, leering intent clear, which was Jinyoung’s cue to flip the light switch and hit play. Still, when he settled into his own seat next to Jackson, he couldn’t help but hear Jackson’s whisper, just two notches softer than his normal speaking volume, as he asked, "Go out with me sometime?" and Jaebum’s ensuing bark of a laugh: surprised, inelegant, but most importantly, not a ‘no’.
—
Jaebum said yes once and then not again for two long months, running hot and cold and stressing the hell out of Jackson and by extension, Jinyoung. They would get kicked out of no less than four parties in that time for getting too handsy against someone’s kitchen counter, but he always managed to disappear while Jackson was collecting his coat, which meant at least four weekends that Jackson spent in Jinyoung’s bed, having stayed up too late talking about everything except what an asshole Jaebum was, why did Jackson even like him so much, he should just give up, right, he was in the prime of my life, why was he wasting his youth on Jaebum of the grumpy old man face and amazing shoulders—which is to say that was exactly what they talked about.
Jinyoung had never had a male friend so deeply and so vocally in touch with his feelings before Jackson. He wasn’t sure if it was a college thing or if it was a Jackson thing (he suspected the latter), but either way Jackson was the loudest and nicest person Jinyoung had ever met and they became fast and easy friends. Even if they weren’t friends, there was no way not to be affected by Jackson’s moans into the sticky tabletop of their school cafeteria or, once during a really bad Friday night they swore to never, ever talk about again, his frustrated tears in the bathroom after Jaebum had pulled another kiss-and-switch on him.
It was enough to make Jinyoung sidle up to Jaebum at a karaoke party for club reps just before break. He was three drinks in, which was just enough to make him lean in and say, maybe a little too aggressively considering Jaebum was still his senior and had technically done no wrong by him: "What’s your deal, man?" He accompanied this with a nudge to the shoulder that seemed to put Jaebum off his balance.
Jaebum turned to look at Jinyoung, scowl on his face. They weren’t friends, but they weren’t strangers, either. Other than the Jackson thing, they’d also worked on an economics presentation together where Jaebum had been the only group member Jinyoung didn’t want to strangle at the end of it. "What’s your deal?"
Someone knocked into Jinyoung on his other side and he stepped a little closer to Jaebum. He smiled blandly at him, before leaning in to hiss, "Your deal with Jackson, asshole,” at which Jaebum’s scowl dropped into a wince. Good, he wasn’t an idiot then. Jackson’s crush was obvious to all of Jackson and Jinyoung’s friends, most of Jaebum’s friends, and even Jinyoung and Jackson’s shared academic advisor.
"I’m not," Jaebum started, before bringing a hand to his face. "I need a drink," he muttered, and one magically appeared in his hand courtesy of Younghyun, a second-year Jinyoung’s roommate Wonpil had a crush on. Younghyun also deposited one in Jinyoung’s hand, and then threw the two of them a manic grin and thumbs up, walking backwards away. "Uh, okay. Look, I’m not an asshole. I like Jackson, you know. I’ve just been busy."
Jinyoung scoffed, mouth twisting to chase the straw around the rim of his drink. "Yeah, busy being an asshole."
Jaebum rolled his eyes. "Down, Jinyoung. This is your guys’ first semester of college, okay? The first time I met Jackson, he propositioned Mark, and then me, and then threw up on Mark’s shoes. He could just as easily like someone else in a month."
This was too much for Jinyoung, who shoved Jaebum’s shoulder, making his drink slosh. Jaebum was broader than him but that had never been the kind of thing that scared Jinyoung, not even when Jaebum looked at Jinyoung, mouth open in surprise and eyebrows knitting together in a stormy expression. "Wow," Jinyoung said, popping his eyes at him, stretching his mouth into a grim smile. "Congratulations, you suck even more than I thought."
Jinyoung’s little speech changed not very much, except that he woke up feeling vaguely embarrassed about having to see Jaebum in economics on Monday. His lingering shame didn’t come to anything besides Jaebum pausing by his seat, mouth open as if he were about to say something, before shaking his head and moving on to his customary seat three rows behind Jinyoung.
In another two weeks Jaebum would properly ask Jackson out, and Jaebum, as far as Jinyoung knew, never brought up their showdown to anyone. In fact, he was jocular with Jinyoung in a way he hadn't been before, as if they weren’t real friends until Jinyoung had shoved him around a little. Masculinity, Jinyoung thought ruefully, a word he’d learned after his eldest sister’s last breakup.
Anyway, Jinyoung doesn’t regret it. Jackson and Jaebum date for the next four years, most of them happy if not without a healthy amount of mutual exasperation. They make it through two graduations, one long distance move to Seoul, and one longer distance move to Hong Kong.
All in all, a heavy burden for anyone to bear, much less a couple as clingy and as impatient as Jackson and Jaebum. It was the last move that hurtled them to the inevitable conclusion they’d been circling around since Jackson’s third year and Jaebum’s last year, when everyone had gotten drunk in anticipation of Jaebum’s birthday and graduation and Jinyoung had come out of the bathroom just in time to hear Jackson say to Jaebum in the karaoke bar hallway, “You know I’m moving back to Hong Kong when I graduate, right?”
Jinyoung had not stuck around for Jaebum’s response, because he had learned the hard way from his sisters not to eavesdrop and because he had been around the last three years and unfortunately had been neither blind nor deaf nor unfeeling for any of it. They were all rooting for Jaebum and Jackson, and Jinyoung was no exception.
Whatever Jaebum’s answer may have been, they held it together for another year even after Jackson’s promised move to Hong Kong, the two of them doing their best to minimize the distance with phone calls, FaceTime, and one visit to Hong Kong that was enthusiastically documented all over SNS. Even reticent Jaebum had posted on Instagram a selca taken in a shop window, Hong Kong’s famous neon lights painting stripes over their face and bodies. Jackson’s white grin was the only discernible feature. The caption had been a simple emoji: two fingers crossed over one another, a promise and a wish for good luck.
—
Jinyoung had moved to Seoul after his February graduation and fucked around for half a year while sleeping on his sister Soyoung’s couch trying different things out before ending up at a small theater, nominally as a programming assistant but in actuality as a little bit of everything, which seemed to be a recurring theme in his professional life.
Besides the theater, he was modeling and acting a little on the side after being scouted in a mall. It was all digital catalogs and commercials, but it was fairly easy and surprisingly steady work. Jinyoung was good-looking in a conventional way, enough that he’d never wanted for romantic attention in his entire life. But he was also practical about his limitations: he was twenty-two and not extraordinarily tall, despite Soyoung’s assurances that on his very best days he looked like a destitute man’s Kim Soohyun. But he worked hard and took criticism well from people he respected, and it kept the work coming enough that he could eventually afford the deposit on a studio apartment in a building his father’s friend owned and not feel too bad about the expense.
Those first few months on his sister’s couch he ended up spending a lot of his time at Mark and Jaebum’s apartment. When Jackson and Jaebum’s friend groups inevitably collided in college, Jinyoung had found himself growing close to easygoing, uncomplicated Mark, whose vibe was that of someone who was also always up and available at two in the morning when Jinyoung wanted to watch TV in silence but not alone.
And okay, yeah, they’d drunkenly hooked up a few times—sue him, Mark was hot, older, and lived in the dorm right next door to theirs, the holy trifecta for a college student—before figuring out they worked better as friends and occasional cuddle buddies.
"Sidekick couple," Mark said once in a rare attempt at wryness, which made Jinyoung roll his eyes and shove him, even though he kind of had a point.
But he and Jaebum became actual, proper friends in those months after Jinyoung’s graduation, building on the foundation of that first semester’s econ lecture and the years that followed of loving the same person, even if one of those loves was platonic and the other romantic. It wasn’t until he had the context of his newfound adulthood that Jinyoung discovered that there were things to like and dislike about Jaebum that had nothing at all to do with Jackson. They had the kind of relationship fostered by mutual affection for the same person, lending them an easy and immediate camaraderie if not necessarily intimacy. At school, if Jackson wasn’t with Jaebum, it was assumed he was with Jinyoung. And the few people who didn’t know Jackson was dating Jaebum always thought Jackson was dating Jinyoung, a misconception Jaebum was jealous of before realizing Jackson's overflowing platonic love for his bros was something he was going to have to get used to, and better sooner than later.
Anyway, it’s not that Jinyoung stopped being friends with Jaebum or something so dramatic after he and Jackson broke up. Jackson was not the kind of person to make him choose sides, nor Jaebum the kind of person to do the same to Mark. Breakups happened all the time, and within friend groups, even. Still, just because Jinyoung wasn't taking sides didn't mean Jackson wasn't one of his best friends; losing his new bromance with Jaebum was regrettable, but overall an acceptable loss to cut. After all, Jackson would’ve done it for him, and more.
—
It had been on Jackson’s visit a few months after Jaebum’s Hong Kong visit when he decided to stay with Jinyoung instead of Jaebum and Mark, that Jinyoung knew.
"It was time," Jackson said, staring up at the ceiling from next to Jinyoung. They were in Jinyoung’s bed together, legs tangled. He stopped there and Jinyoung, who had never known Jackson to use less words when he could use more, grabbed at his hand, feeling unmoored. "Honestly, it was probably time like a year ago." Jackson grimaced, looking at Jinyoung. "You were right. I should’ve just listened to you."
Jinyoung felt guilt spike through him. There were some things you didn’t realize you didn’t want to be right about until you were right about them.
Their senior year of college, Jackson, heady with the swagger of seniority, had more than one run-in with a crafty underclassman who thought that "long-distance" meant "free-for-all," not that Jackson was too clear on the difference himself when drunk. It wasn’t exactly Jinyoung’s business either way, but after he had to rescue Jackson from the advances of some first-year girl for the second time in so many weeks, even he’d gotten mad.
"Jackson. Come on, what the fuck." Jinyoung had been in the middle of a movie, and had to pause it after he got the distress call from Wonpil. He had to throw a coat on over his pajamas, and this blatant disregard for the separation of indoor and outdoor clothes was giving him hives.
Jackson was face down on his bed. His hair was a disaster zone, and the hem of his white shirt was dyed bright red from the punch spilled on him earlier. "It's not like anything happened," was his sulky, muffled reply.
Jinyoung sighed, chucking a water bottle at the small of Jackson’s back. “What, are you waiting for something to happen? You know I’m on your side, right? You better not make me be on the side of a cheater."
Jackson, who had turned onto his back and had an arm thrown over his eyes as he mouthed at the water bottle, let out a shaky breath. "I know," he said quietly. "It’s just—it’s lonely this year, you know? I miss him, duh, but I want to have fun, too."
Jinyoung knew. He sat down next to Jackson, running a hand through his sticky hair. He liked Jaebum, would under threat of extreme bodily harm admit that he loved Jackson, and thought the two of them shone brightly in the otherwise emotionally destitute landscape of college relationships. But he could admit to himself in that moment that Jaebum had a point at that karaoke party so many years ago. Jackson had thrown himself into the relationship because he never did anything by halves, and Jaebum was the same way. He wasn’t as over the top about it as Jackson was, but Jaebum’s determination was no joke. They were serious so quickly there had been a three week stretch when they first started dating when Jinyoung didn’t see Jackson at all, and Mark, who was living with Jaebum that year, adopted a haunted look.
At the beginning of this school year, Jackson had seemed lost without a handler for all his energy, although that was quickly replaced by surprise that there was now a whole fourth of the student population who didn’t know anything about his and Jaebum’s relationship, as well-known for its steadiness as it was for its volubility.
Jackson was good-looking, gregarious, and threw a great party. It made sense that without Jaebum’s constant presence as reminder, both those who’d carried a torch for him for years and those who’d only met him recently were emboldened. Jackson was only human, and one who thrived on attention and adoration at that. It was almost too much of a good thing at once. Jackson had always been well-known and well-liked, but Jinyoung saw the way Jackson responded to his new influx of popularity and couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if Jaebum had just turned him down way back in first year. Who either of them could’ve been, who else Jackson might’ve loved.
"No one’s saying you can’t have fun," Jinyoung said, feeling sorry now for having meddled. "I want you to have fun. Jaebum wants you to have fun, too. I just don’t want you to do something fun now that’ll make both of you sad later."
To that, Jackson said, “But I think I am sad now,” except he said it so quietly Jinyoung pretended he didn’t hear it because he was twenty-one and it was two in the morning and he didn’t want to confront the fact that the happiest couple he knew maybe wasn’t all that happy after all. He stayed the night that night, curling his body around Jackson’s in the too-small twin bed.
Jackson woke up the next day and made Jinyoung an enthusiastic, sloppy breakfast that required more cleanup than was worth it. The whole breakfast production seemed to indicate he didn’t want to talk about it, and so Jinyoung thought he was being a good friend by letting it go.
But now, with Jackson in his bed, an echo of that time so many years ago, Jinyoung wished he’d said the magical right thing back then that would have saved Jackson the sadness that was emanating from him in waves.
"Do you regret it?" Jinyoung finally asked. He wasn’t sure which he was asking after—the extra year, sustained by Skype sex sessions and shouting matches over the phone, followed by periods of iciness that they always managed to thaw before their next trip, of which there were few and never long enough, the inevitable breakup, or maybe just the entire relationship.
Jackson curled into Jinyoung’s side, burying his face in Jinyoung’s neck and throwing an arm around his middle. When Jackson exhaled, his breath was hot where it hit Jinyoung’s skin.
"I don’t," Jackson said. “Never.”
—
Three weeks after Jackson visits Seoul, Jinyoung gets an Instagram DM. He thumbs it open to find a selca of Jackson on a filming set, a vaguely familiar-looking television host next to him. Before he can even start to react to it, his phone vibrates with an incoming message.
bambam1a: HOLY SHIT HE JIONG?!?!?!?!
jacksonwang852: hehe the one and only~ BAAAM!
Typical Bambam, whose celebrity facial recognition was unparalleled. It came out that, through a comedy of errors, Jackson had been tapped to guest on a fairly popular mainland game show in his capacity as an assistant fencing coach. There were forty-two people in the group DM, and with all group anythings that included both Bambam and Jackson, it soon devolved into them sharing memes back and forth.
Somewhere in between Jackson’s selca with He Jiong and Jinyoung finally leaving the group because he couldn’t handle the notifications anymore, Jinyoung noticed, completely naturally, that Jackson hadn’t included Jaebum in the DM.