Work Text:
1.
‘That's it. I’m officially going on strike.’
‘You’re what?’
‘You heard me, Jack. I work all day for you and your bloody hunters and I don’t get an ounce of appreciation for it. Not even a measly thank you. I demand more respect around here!’
‘I work too, and you never hear me complaining.’
‘But you like your work. You enjoy yourself hunting. And while you’re off gallivanting in the forest like a bunch of savages, I’m stuck here cooking the pigs, washing the clothes and making sure the littluns don’t wander off and get themselves killed.’
‘Bloody hell, not this argument again. For the last time, Ralph – we ask you to cook all the meals because you’re the only plonker on this damn island who actually knows how to cook without poisoning us all. You’re the one who insists on washing our clothes, even though we hardly even wear them anymore. And Piggy is supposed to watch the littlun’s, so why don’t you have a go at him and leave me alone?’
‘Jack? Jack! Don’t walk away from me when I’m yelling at you! Is it too much to ask for a bit of acknowledgement? I'm busy all day with no one but Simon – then you come home and you don't even notice the shelters!’
‘Fine, the shelters are lovely. They’re the most beautiful, well-kept shelters in the world. Happy now?’
‘Sod off.’
2.
‘I still say that living in a cave is an accident waiting to happen.’
‘Give it a rest, Ralph. You’re in no position to criticise after what went down on the beach.’
’It’s not my fault the shelters collapsed!’
‘I warned you over and over again that they wouldn’t last long in this bloody weather, but you just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Two of the littluns are still in shock and Simon almost suffocated under all the bamboo sticks!’
‘Yes, well. Fortunately for us, Piggy knows CPR.’
‘No more shelters, Ralph. They’re a safety hazard. Now, unless you want to sleep out in the rain, I suggest you get your arse in here.’
‘Alright, I’m coming. Move over, will you? What was that noise?’
‘I trod on Percival. Nothing to worry about.’
‘Jack, what did I say about treading on the kids?’
‘Not to do it unless it’s completely necessary?’
‘Jack.’
3.
‘Jack!’
‘What is it now?’
’I can’t stand it anymore, we need shelters.’
’No, Ralph.’
’You can’t stop me!’
’Put those sticks down, Ralph! I won’t have you killing us all with your poor architecture!’
‘If you love me, then you love my shelters. We come as a package.’
’Ralph, I think you need to start taking naps like the rest of us. You’re awfully high strung these days.’
‘I haven’t got time for sleep! You told me things would change when we started living in a cave. “Easier” you said. Talk about a load of bollocks. I’m still slaving away for you all and I get absolutely nothing in return. No pat on the back, no kiss on the cheek, nothing!’
‘Ralph, if you wanted a kiss on the cheek, all you had to do was ask.’
‘Oh, right, so now I need to ask for one teeny tiny display of affection? If you’re not serious about us, let me know now, Jack. Word spreads quickly on this island; I’ve heard rumors.’
‘What kind of rumours?’
‘You and Simon.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Word is that you’ve doing more with that spear than just killing pigs.’
‘Ralph, that’s revolting. You’re getting paranoid.’
‘I am not paranoid. I may be a lot of things, but I am absolutely, positively not – hey, what are you doing?’
‘Giving you a kiss, like you wanted.’
‘That's it? Just a kiss on the cheek?’
‘Alright, fine. There, how was that?’
‘Your mouth tastes like Simon.’
‘And how would you know what Simon tastes like?’
4.
‘We should get married.’
‘You what?’
‘I said, we should get married.’
‘Jack Merridew, I think you've been in the sun too long.’
‘I mean it. We're a proper couple now, we have our own cave, we have our own kids – kind of - so it's only appropriate that we get married.’
‘A deserted island is hardly a good place to get married – it wouldn’t even be legal.’
‘Who cares? We would be married in spirit.’
‘Even so, marriage is serious business. It means spending the rest of our lives together. Do you really want to be with me after we get rescued?’
‘Of course. Why would you even ask that?’
‘I don’t know. We’re seventeen, we’re still young, I haven’t even come out to my parents yet –’
‘But what if we never get rescued? It’s almost been a year and there hasn’t been a sniff of a boat or a plane. Chances are, we’re destined to grow old and die here. Don’t look at me like that, Ralph, I’m just telling it as it is.’
‘You know, your optimism is what first attracted me to you, Jack.’
‘Oh, sarcasm, lovely. Look, I know this is all very sudden but I’m pretty damn smitten with you. You could dare say that I…love you…’
‘Did you just say the “L” word?’
‘Ugh, yes, I said the “L” word.’
‘Just checking. And you’re in luck, because I love you too.’
‘Good – now you have to marry me. Once you say the “L” word, it’s mandatory.’
‘How romantic. But if you’re going to propose, don’t you need a ring?’
‘Crap, I hadn’t…wait, gimme a sec. There, perfect!’
‘Is that seaweed?’
‘I’ll make you a proper ring later. Now shut up, I’m trying to propose.’
‘This better not give me a rash.’
‘So, Ralph…erm, whatever your surname is, will you do me the honor of marrying me?’
‘Eh, I suppose so.’
‘Oi.’
‘I mean, yes, I would love to.’
5.
‘You’re getting what?’
‘For the fourth time, Simon. Jack and I are getting married.’
‘Married? Is that even possible here?’
‘Probably not. But we’re doing it anyway, and we need everyone to pitch in and help.’
‘Can I be the best man?’
‘Well, Roger was supposed to be the best man-’
‘Humph.’
‘-but I’m sure there’s no harm in having two best men, just this once.’
‘My thoughts exactly. Okay, we need to decide where we’re having the ceremony, what everyone’s going to wear, who’s going to throw flowers…’
6.
‘Who’s that? Who goes there?’
‘Ow. Bloody hell, Jack, mind where you’re poking that thing.’
‘Oh, it’s you. What do you want, Fatty?’
‘It's Piggy, and I just want to talk.’
‘You want to talk to me? About what?’
‘About you and Ralph.’
‘If you've come to lecture me-’
‘No fear. I've just come to say that I'm happy for you both and I graciously accept your wedding invitation.’
‘You’re happy for us? When you first found out we were together, you tried to doggy paddle all the way back to England. It took five of us to get you back to shore.’
‘Shock does strange things to a person, Jack.’
‘I see. Well. Thank you, Fat-I mean, Piggy…’
7.
‘What do you think of your wedding clothes, Ralph?’
‘It’s the same shirt and pants I’ve been wearing for a year now, Simon.’
‘Yes, but they’re clean. Cleanish.’
‘Right. They’re wonderful. Thanks.’
‘Alright, what’s up with you? I’ve never seen anyone so unenthusiastic about their own wedding clothes.’
‘If we end up being rescued, what the hell are my parents going to say?’
‘Uhm… “oh my God, Ralph, we thought you were dead, you’re never going on a school trip again, we kind of had another baby while you were away,”?’
‘About Jack and me, you pillock.’
‘I’m sure they’ll be grateful that amid all this chaos and pig-hunting, you were able to find true love.’
‘Remind me why I hang out with you again.’
8.
‘Roger, why are you staring at me?’
‘I think I like Simon, Jack.’
‘Go and stare at him then.’
9.
‘You should hear yourself around the littluns, Ralph. You sound like their Mum.’
’I don’t know what you’re talking about, Piggy. I don’t sound anything remotely like a — Wilfred? Wilfred, where did you get that piglet? I’ve told you a hundred times, no animals in the cave. Now put that thing back where it came from!’
‘But Ralph—‘
‘I’m counting to three!’
10.
‘Simon?’
‘Hi Roger.’
‘Busy?’
‘Just making up Ralph’s bouquet for the wedding tomorrow. You know whoever catches it is destined to be married next?’
‘Oh.’
‘Was there something you needed?’
‘…’
‘Roger, you’re sweating.’
‘You…you’re…I mean, I think you…you have nice hair.’
‘Um, thanks?’
11.
'How did things go with Simon, Roge?'
'I think I nailed it, Jack.'
12.
‘Remind me Maurice, why are we guarding the cave again?’
‘Ralph wants us to make sure Jack doesn’t sneak in, Robert. We have strict orders to poke him mercilessly with our sticks if he does.’
‘Why’s he not allowed in?’
‘It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.’
‘But Ralph isn’t a bride, he’s another groom.’
‘…oh yeah.’
13.
‘Psst, Ralph!’
‘Jack? What are you doing here? You know its bad luck for the bri – I mean, the grooms to see each other before the wedding!’
‘Bullshit, Ralph. You don’t really believe that, do you?’
‘Yes, I do, and you should as well. How did you get past Maurice and Robert?’
‘I knocked them out and took their sticks.’
‘Jack!’
‘I’m only joking. There was an emergency down at the altar, something to do with a piglet.’
‘Are you kidding me? I told Wilfred to get rid of that bloody pig, why does nobody around here ever-? Mmph!’
‘There, that’s better isn’t it?’
‘Jack, kissing people when they are trying to rant is very rude.’
14.
'Simon.'
'Roger? What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at the altar already?'
'I have something to say.'
15.
'Sorry I'm late, Jack.'
'Roger? What the hell happened to you?'
'Simon happened.'
16.
'That was a lovely ceremony, Piggy. Good for you standing in as the priest.'
'Thanks, Simon. Too bad things went a bit awry at the end.'
'Yeah, who could have known that Ralph is allergic to hibiscus flowers? I don’t even know how they got in the bouquet, I didn’t pick them.’
'I don't think it's fair of Jack to blame you. I mean, I know you made the bouquet but to accuse you of “attempted murder” is a bit of a stretch. Ralph only got a rash after all.’
'I'm sure things will settle down by morning.'
'Does that mean you're coming down from the tree?'
'No, I think I'll stay put. Jack still seems pretty angry.'
17.
‘Halt! State your business.’
‘What are you two, mercenaries? I need to speak to Ralph.’
‘Sorry, Piggy. Jack and Ralph have very important business to attend to and don’t want to be disturbed.’
‘Oh really? What kind of "business", Maurice?’
‘Strictly classified.’
‘In other words, they’re having a snog and don’t want people walking in on them?’
‘Yeah, pretty much.’
18.
'I love you.'
'Really? I'd never have guessed. You've only said it twenty times already.'
'Shut up, Jack. I'm trying to be romantic. This is our honeymoon, remember?'
'Some honeymoon. The others are literally walking distance away from us.'
'Yes, but we have the entire hill to ourselves. Let’s do something fun. Like hunting.’
’You actually want to go hunting?’
’No, but I know you probably do.’
'Hey, Ralph?'
'What?'
'I love you too.'
'Ha, gay.'
19.
'Roger, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be completely honest with me.'
'Alright.'
'Did you deliberately slip hibiscus flowers into the bouquet, knowing that Ralph is allergic to them?'
'Simon, I don't know how you could accuse me of something so heinous and deceitful.'
'Roger.'
'Yes, I did.'
20.
'Hey Ralph, what's that?'
'What's what?'
'That, over there?'
'Where are you pointing, Jack? I can't see-’
'Jesus Christ, Ralph, it's a ship!'
'Are you sure?'
'Of course I'm sure! We have to get their attention!'
'How?'
'Light a fire!'
'Oh, so now you want to keep the fire going?'
'FOR GOD'S SAKE, RALPH.'