Work Text:
now
Summer break during Jeongguk's second year of high school would be much more welcome if it weren't so fucking humid and he wasn't signed up for goddamn summer classes like the rest of his unfortunate classmates, but he anticipates it all the same, especially since Jimin and Taehyung are coming back from university after their first term there. High school is a bit lonely without them - not that Jeongguk would ever tell them that, but they have a way of knowing: when they get back, Jimin sniffs good-naturedly when Jeongguk pretends to not hear him asking did you miss me, and Taehyung wraps himself around Jeongguk like he's a koala and Jeongguk is the tree he's lived in all his life.
What he will admit to liking about their return is that Jimin's gotten a job at the neighborhood convenience store and can give him discounts on ice cream, and Taehyung's family has moved to a new apartment complex that has access to a pool, which Jeongguk takes shameless advantage of. Plus, he'd found out from Taehyung that Jimin has sort of a thing with an upperclassman back at college, so he has something new to tease Jimin about every time he sees him staring at his phone.
It's while he's there, by himself, treading water and submerged to his chin, when he sees him. It's been a while - a few years, probably - but it's definitely him, wading into the pool with a small girl in his arms. And maybe it's because Jeongguk's always been a little bit too forward, or the humidity is keeping him from thinking straight, but he doesn't think twice before calling out, "Seokjin-hyung!"
Jeongguk isn't sure what he's expecting, but he lets out a small breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding when Seokjin turns and recognition passes over his face. Seokjin hesitates, like he's thinking about coming closer, but he can't really leave the shallow end with a little kid, so Jeongguk swims over to him instead, reaching him in several easy strokes.
Then they're standing in front of each other, and Jeongguk watches as Seokjin's mouth quirks slowly into a familiar lopsided smile, a smile that Jeongguk knows well. He matches it with a smile of his own, and it feels pretty okay like this, the two of them seeing each other for the first time in pretty much forever, in the middle of a community swimming pool.
"Hey, Jeonggukie," Seokjin says first, smile still in place. The nickname sounds a bit unfamiliar on Seokjin's tongue. The little girl he's holding turns to stare at Jeongguk with wide eyes, and Seokjin introduces her, although she seems to not care. "This is Jiyoung, my hyung's kid."
"Hi," Jeongguk offers to her, and she seems to consider it before waving shyly back.
"You've grown," Seokjin observes, as Jeongguk waves tentatively back at Jiyoung.
"I guess," Jeongguk replies, feeling a little bit proud that Seokjin's noticed, and a little strange for feeling that way because it's not as if it's hard to tell - three, four years is a long time to change. "It's been a while."
"Yeah," Seokjin agrees, and his voice is warm. "I almost didn't recognize you, but I guess I still look the same?"
Jeongguk shrugs. "Pretty much, I guess? You looked like...you."
Seokjin laughs. "That's good; I'm glad I look like me."
Jeongguk shakes his head and laughs, looking down at his feet through the chlorinated water.
Jeongguk finds out Seokjin is back for the summer because his mother had asked him to come back to help around the house, since his sister-in-law had decided to go back to work recently and she's helping take care of Jiyoung by herself. He also finds out that he hasn't seen Seokjin in years because Seokjin usually spends his summers in Seoul, working or interning, and that he's even interned for a company abroad, in Tokyo. Tokyo is less than a three-hour flight away, but it still sounds a bit distant to Jeongguk, who's only been as far as Jeju Island. Seokjin sounds a bit distant, but he's kind, and the kindness is still the same. Seokjin's still the same, maybe, kind of, sort of - compared to last time, at least. Jeongguk wonders when his memory had gotten fuzzy along the way.
He stares at his reflection, all stretched out and disproportionate in the moving water, and tries to pick out how he's grown.
beginning
In elementary school, the adults in charge, the school board or something, had decided to do a thing where the sixth years mentored the first years, a trial experiment of sorts.
That's how Jeongguk meets Seokjin for the first time, one tiny seven-year-old holding a sign that says Seokjin-hyung in his very best penmanship and one a twelve-year-old, too skinny for his growing frame, holding a sign that says Jeonggukie in neat characters.
The exercise is rather dumb, full of kids trudging over the muddy field to peer at each other's signs and offer halting introductions, but Seokjin is awkwardly friendly, looking unsure of himself as he offers a hand to Jeongguk, which Jeongguk grasps carefully. It's reassuring, because Jeongguk's not sure where his friends have gone in the crowd, and the sixth years are kind of big in comparison, especially Seokjin, who stands a couple of inches above most of them. But at the same time, seven is a little too old for hand-holding, Jeongguk thinks, so he makes sure to not grip too tightly.
"My hyung used to hold my hand a lot when I was about your age," Seokjin says after a while, as they stare at the other children mill about, not quite done yet. He turns his gaze down to Jeongguk. "Are you okay with it?"
Jeongguk meets his eyes and nods.
"Good," Seokjin says, and there's a small laugh in his words.
"I have a hyung, too. He's called Jeongmin," Jeongguk decides to say, and it feels strange, because even with a hyung, it's the first time he's talking to someone who is Seokjin's age, an age that feels far, far away - not as far as his parents, but pretty far.
"Oh," Seokjin answers. It takes seconds for him to realize that that's not much of a reply, and he rushes to add, "We have something in common, then."
Jeongguk nods again, and they go back to staring at the few stragglers who are matching up. Seokjin shifts his fingers after a while, and Jeongguk thinks he's going to let go, but he doesn't, just readjusts his hold on Jeongguk's tiny hand.
It turns out that Seokjin performs his duty well, and willingly - Jeongguk knows he has classmates whose sixth grade mentors never show up and treat them with disdain because, well, why would twelve-year-olds, the top of the pack, play with seven-year-olds? Never mind the whole idea of elders looking after their underclassmen; it's a nuisance. But Seokjin doesn't seem to think that way, showing up to eat lunch with Jeongguk at least once a week, asking him to play at recess if they see each other, and walking him home sometimes. Jeongguk is bright for his age and usually doesn't need help on his homework, but Seokjin always offers quietly, making sure he doesn't make it sound like he thinks Jeongguk can't do things by himself. And when Jeongguk does ask him questions, Seokjin is a patient, careful teacher, chewing his lip as he works out the problem for himself before teaching it to Jeongguk.
Jeongguk might brag about him a little or a lot to Jimin and Taehyung, might smile rather proudly when Jimin sniffs and says he almost wishes they had done it when he was in first grade.
Taehyung stares at him with wide eyes after the fourth or fifth time he mentions Seokjin. "You like him?" Taehyung asks.
Jeongguk doesn't know what the question means, and it takes him a few seconds to respond. "Yeah? I guess?"
Taehyung nods firmly, like he's made a decision. "He sounds nice."
For Jeongguk, at first, the school year stretches out like it's never going to end, but when it finally does, and he's watching Seokjin and the other sixth years line up for commencement, he thinks he's almost old enough to get why his mother says things like time flies.
"I liked being your mentor," Seokjin tells him with a smile after the ceremony, and Jeongguk smiles, slow, careful.
"I liked being your mentee," Jeongguk says truthfully. Liked, because it's over now. So far, Jeongguk's liked things being over - his piano lessons that he never liked, naptime sessions in nursery school where he couldn't sleep - but he's a bit sad that this is over. And then, "Have fun in...in middle school, hyung."
"Thanks," Seokjin laughs, half excited, half nervous. "Bye, Jeonggukie."
When Seokjin reaches out to ruffle Jeongguk's hair, Jeongguk lets him instead of shying away, because bye isn't usually a scary word to him, but this time, it sort of is.
now
Jeongguk hadn't asked Seokjin for his number, or Seokjin for Jeongguk's - Jeongguk's not sure if he was too preoccupied with trying to keep Jiyoung from swallowing water, or if it's just not a thing on Seokjin's mind, which would make sense - leaving first with a vague I'll see you around because he'd promised Taehyung they would hang out and marathon all the Attack on Titan episodes they'd missed during finals. Jimin's skipping out in favor of a Skype session that Taehyung says he's surprised Jimin coerced his boyfriend into. Jimin had protested, something about how they're not together, not really, but Taehyung had turned a straight face to Jeongguk and Jeongguk had wolf-whistled right on cue, leading to a punch in the arm from Jimin. Anyway, Jeongguk arrives at Taehyung's place armed with just one bag of junk food, because he knows that Taehyung keeps up his supply pretty well.
"Seokjin-hyung's back," Jeongguk says offhandedly as they watch a titan running after humans.
"Seokjin-hyung?" Taehyung asks.
"Yeah," Jeongguk says. "Remember? He was my mentor in elementary school...and he used to babysit for us."
"Oh," Taehyung says. Then, "Oh! He was the only one who would let me draw on him."
Jeongguk laughs. "That's how you remember him?"
"Yeah," Taehyung answers, like it's a matter of course. "I've never had another hyung humor me like that."
Jeongguk hums. "You're strange, hyung."
"Shh," Taehyung says, reaching out blindly to pat Jeongguk over the mouth and missing, smacking him in the nose instead. "It's getting to the good part!"
After the ending theme starts playing, Taehyung speaks up again. "You talked about him a lot."
"Huh?" Jeongguk asks.
"Seokjin-hyung, I mean." Taehyung's doing that weird thing he always does, staring at Jeongguk's face and leaning in uncomfortably close, with a look that's like he's staring into his soul. Jeongguk has gotten to lots of Taehyung quirks, but this one never fails to unnerve him just a little bit. "You used to talk about him all the time."
"I don't think I talked about him that often," Jeongguk says automatically, because he really doesn't think he did, and because maybe a quick answer will get Taehyung to withdraw to a less creepy distance.
Taehyung leans in a little closer, until his nose bumps against Jeongguk's, and makes a noise of disagreement before backing up and grinning, all wide and disproportionate, and Jeongguk doesn't know what that means. "Trust me, you did."
"When are you right, hyung," Jeongguk quips, scooting back and bumping Taehyung's shoulder with his own.
"Always," Taehyung says proudly.
Jeongguk snorts, tries to brush it off, since Taehyung seems like he's moved on back to their anime already, mind always moving a mile a minute. But as the new episode starts playing, he's preoccupied with trying to remember all the times he's mentioned Seokjin in passing to Taehyung, to Jimin. They talk about so much shit that it's sort of hard to know what he has and hasn't said, and it's been a while, anyway; time has made the edges of his memories curl up and yellow away a little bit, and he could be right, or Taehyung could be right - the latter an occurrence that actually happens a little more often than Jeongguk would care to admit.
a little after the beginning
Jeongguk comes back from school one day in third grade with Taehyung and Jimin in tow because his mom hasn't worked in the last couple of years and she's offered to look after the other two until their parents get home. This time, though, she's not the only one in the kitchen; Jeongguk comes to a halt, confused, when he sees the back of someone who's not his mom standing there.
"Jeonggukie?" his mom asks, and Jeongguk peeks around the person - boy? - so he can see her. "This is Seokjinnie; you knew him in first grade, right? I just heard about it from him! I asked him to babysit without knowing you already knew each other. I'm going to be going back to work sometime next month, so he'll stay here and look after you guys and Jeongmin. He's only in his second year of middle school, but he's very responsible."
Jeongguk blinks in surprise. Then Seokjin turns around, and Jeongguk has had a small growth spurt since first grade, but Seokjin is also taller than he was in sixth grade; Seokjin isn't exactly as he remembers, and it's strange, because he had somehow expected Seokjin to be sixth-grade mentor Seokjin forever, then because he realizes that expectation is a little bit weird in and of itself.
"Hi," Seokjin smiles, and Jeongguk notices that Seokjin's voice is also a little bit different; lots of things are a little different.
Jimin and Taehyung chorus their hello together before Jeongguk belatedly answers, "Hi, hyung."
Seokjin's smile widens a little bit and Jeongguk feels his ears turn warmer, like someone is holding a candle close to them.
Jimin and Taehyung take quickly to Seokjin, maybe even a little bit faster than Jeongguk does, because for them, this is the first time they meet him and get to know him, while Jeongguk tries to reconcile what he'd known with what he's learning now, spending time picking out what is same and what is different and marveling a bit at the fact that people change when you don't see them for a while. He's sure he changes himself; he's seen it in the progression of childhood pictures that his mom keeps, in the little black marks along the doorframe that show him how much he's growing. He knows Jimin and Taehyung change, too, but the difference is that he's been with himself and been with them day in and day out and it's gradual that way.
Seokjin is not gradual; Seokjin is one still frame and then another, with millions of missing transitions in between, and Jeongguk feels somewhat bewildered by all the missing pieces, and where he fits in among them, if he fits in at all.
He ends up documenting each and every little different thing that he notices - Seokjin's height, hairstyle, voice, his choice of sneakers, the way he slings his backpack over one shoulder versus using both straps, the way he's become more cautious about finding out how much space he takes up and where he can put his arms and legs. It's like Jeongguk is a wannabe scientist and Seokjin is the subject he's observing, but he doesn't know why he's doing it, why he cares when it comes to Seokjin. If he thinks about it, the same thing happens when he meets family members he hasn't seen in years, finds them different, and doesn't care about that.
And Jeongguk doesn't tell anyone he's doing this, not Jimin, not Taehyung, even though Jimin often waves his hand in Jeongguk's face and tells him to stop zoning off so often; what's gotten into you? Jeongguk sticks out his tongue at Jimin whenever this happens, but really, he doesn't know, either, and it's weird. This is weird.
"You're always watching me," Seokjin finally says one day, and Jeongguk is startled out of doing exactly that.
"What?" Jeongguk asks, heat creeping along his skin as he pretends to not know what Seokjin's talking about.
"It's like I perpetually have food on my face," Seokjin says, then pauses. "I don't, do I?"
He looks legitimately concerned, and Jeongguk laughs, momentarily forgetting that he might or might not be blushing. "No, you don't, hyung."
"Then what's up?"
Jeongguk doesn't have much of an answer, and it takes him long seconds before he finally gives up and just says, "You're different, kinda."
And he feels bad, feels like the little kid he guesses he really is, when Seokjin looks perplexed. "Different?"
Jeongguk half-shrugs, ready to drop the subject, but finding it hard to avoid a direct question. "Just, different."
Seokjin seems to think for a second, and Jeongguk opens his mouth to say something like never mind or I'm gonna go outside when Seokjin speaks again, face clearing up a little. "From sixth grade?"
Jeongguk nods, suddenly feeling dumb. Of course he's different. Jeongguk's different, too. And Jimin and Taehyung, all different. He waits for Seokjin to point it out-
-but he doesn't. "I guess I am, a bit," Seokjin says slowly. "I guess you become a bit different when you're growing up. But I don't think it's a bad thing, I guess."
Jeongguk nods again, feeling a bit better, a bit relieved, maybe, like this is okay. This is going to be okay.
now
Someone taps Jeongguk on the shoulder while he's working through his tenth plate of brisket with Jimin and Taehyung, and Jeongguk turns with a full mouth to see who it is. In retrospect, it's a bad idea, because he has to chew fast and attempt to swallow a couple of times unsuccessfully before he can properly greet Seokjin, who's watching him with an expression that's half-amused, half-apologetic.
"Hi, hyung," Jeongguk manages, and Jimin helpfully shoves a cup of water into his hand.
"Hi," Seokjin says, half-smiling. "Sorry about the bad timing."
"It's okay," Jeongguk replies, after downing half of his water. "You're here with...?"
"Family," Seokjin says, gesturing vaguely behind him. "I saw you, thought I'd say hi. And this is...Jimin and...Taehyung, right?"
"You used to babysit us!" Jimin says. "I'm surprised you remember that long ago."
Seokjin laughs. "I didn't have to do much; you guys were good kids."
Jimin snorts. "Taehyung was a good kid?"
Taehyung tosses a piece of lettuce at him, and Jimin stares at him in mock outrage as he reaches out for something to retaliate with.
Seokjin smiles as he looks on, and Jeongguk looks at Seokjin instead of the other two bickering. It's surprising how familiar the indulgence on his face is: Jeongguk remembers afternoons spent stealing snacks from each other across the dinner table instead of doing their homework with Seokjin looking up from his own notebooks with the same smile, watching on without intervening until it actually started getting out of hand.
And Jeongguk realizes that he's sort of missed this, the way he's sort of missed Taehyung and Jimin when he'd turned to them to say something and realized they weren't there. It's strange, because it's not much; they've never really been friends that were that close, really. Seokjin's more of a hyung that's taken care of him on off and been kind in his own well-meaning, slightly awkward way, but seeing him smile like this again is, well, nice. He doesn't know how else to explain it.
"Well," Seokjin says, "I should probably go."
They chorus a bye, but Jeongguk is a half-beat late.
They manage to polish off another five plates before they're full enough to call it quits, and Jeongguk leaves Jimin and Taehyung after they get the check to say bye to Seokjin. It's not hard to find their table; it's one of the biggest ones in the place. Jeongguk slows as he nears, realizing that he'll have to say hi to Seokjin's family, too. He pauses once he gets there and waits to be noticed - which doesn't take long, thankfully.
"Leaving?" Seokjin asks, when he looks up and sees Jeongguk standing there.
"Yeah," Jeongguk says, and then bows respectfully when Seokjin's parents turn to look at him. "Just wanted to say bye."
"That's thoughtful," Seokjin says, and he's smiling again, which means Jeongguk's staring again as Seokjin continues. "Bye!"
Jeongguk tears his eyes away to look at his feet instead as he bows once more and turns to leave.
He's almost out the door before he gets tapped on the shoulder, and he turns to see Seokjin grinning ruefully at him. "Sorry, could I uh, get your number? I don't know a lot of people back here anymore, but I don't wanna impose-"
"Yeah," Jeongguk answers automatically. "I mean, no, it's not a problem."
"Cool," Seokjin says, sounding a bit relieved, fishing his phone out of his pocket and handing it to Jeongguk.
"We can hang sometime," Jeongguk says as he keys in his number. "I'm not as free on weekdays because of cram school, though." He looks up to see Seokjin making a face at him, and grins. "You remember the feeling."
"I didn't have enough guts to skip," Seokjin laughs, "so I suffered through every minute of it."
Jeongguk pulls a face. "I should probably...not skip...but..."
Seokjin fixes a stern look on him. "Go to your classes, Jeonggukie."
Jeongguk holds his gaze for all of three seconds, struggling to keep his face straight, but Seokjin gives in first, one corner of his mouth quirking up just enough for Jeongguk to burst out laughing. Seokjin's laughter chases his in the smoky restaurant air, and suddenly, it seems a lot funnier than it actually is, a lot more comfortable than it had been.
a little bit more after the beginning
Jimin and Taehyung are outside playing after finishing their homework, but Jeongguk is a sniffly mess because he has a cold, and is tucked into bed by Seokjin per his mother's orders.
"I'm totally fine, hyung," Jeongguk protests as Seokjin arranges the blankets around him. "I wanna go out and play, too."
In reply, Seokjin reaches down for Jeongguk's wastebasket and tilts it so he can see the mountain of used tissues in it. "I don't think so, Jeonggukie." Jeongguk reaches out for another tissue petulantly and blows his nose again as Seokjin sets the trashcan back down and flashes him a lopsided smile. "Would you feel better if I stayed with you?"
Jeongguk wiggles to find a more comfortable position and sniffs, feeling a little bit happier that Seokjin's blowing off his homework to hang out with him even though he's bedridden. "I guess."
Seokjin sits himself down on the floor next to Jeongguk's bed and leans his arms on top of the covers. "Want me to tell you a story?"
"I'm not a kid anymore, hyung," Jeongguk protests. He's eleven, alright; he's too old for story time, too old for Seokjin to treat him like such a little boy.
"It'll be a good story, I promise," Seokjin soothes, settling in a little bit closer and offering a winning grin. "Yeah?"
Jeongguk eyes him suspiciously but nods. He's okay with humoring Seokjin. "If it's not good, hyung..."
"It'll be good!" Seokjin promises. He clears his throat. "Once upon a time there was a kid named Jeongguk-"
Jeongguk laughs. "What the heck, hyung."
"Don't interrupt," Seokjin admonishes, pressing a finger to his lips emphasize what he's saying. "Once upon a time there was a kid named Jeongguk and his favorite hyung was Seokjin because Seokjin is awesome-"
"This is a horrible story," Jeongguk interrupts again, grinning impudently when Seokjin snaps his mouth shut and stares at him reproachfully.
When Jeongguk doesn't stop grinning, Seokjin frowns exaggeratedly and shoves himself away from the bed. "Fine, I'm leaving."
"No, stay," Jeongguk says, letting a whine slip into his voice. It's not a childish whine, though. He just doesn't want Seokjin to leave. And okay - maybe he lets himself act a little younger around Seokjin, because Seokjin doesn't ever seem to judge, only ever treats Jeongguk as a baby in a joking way, but never actually means it. "Sing me to sleep."
Seokjin hums, quick to forgive. "What do you want me to sing?"
"Anything," Jeongguk says, pleased that Seokjin's indulging him.
Seokjin thinks for a second, then starts warbling a heavily slowed down rendition of Gee, smiling when Jeongguk fishes his hands out of the covers to clap. Then Jeongguk burrows himself back into his blankets and closes his eyes, because no matter how ridiculous this sort of is, Seokjin's voice is calm, nice, like the rest of him. Somewhere in the middle of the song, Seokjin slides fingers into Jeongguk's bangs and smooths them back, and Jeongguk smiles as Seokjin starts the next verse.
Somewhere along Seokjin's voice and the onset of sleepiness, Jeongguk thinks that maybe he has figured out the puzzle he's given himself, figured out that he fits here okay, somewhere inside Seokjin's seemingly unbounded kindness, fits the way his head fits under Seokjin's big palms, and that works pretty well.
now
Jeongguk keeps his eyes on the board for an impressive ten minutes before he finally slips his phone out of his pocket and texts a string of solemn SOS messages at Taehyung and Jimin. As he goes back to his messages and scrolls for someone else who he could possibly bother, he pauses at the text Seokjin had sent him so he would have his phone number. His thumb hovers for a second before he selects the thread and taps out a message.
hyung, wanna hang out?
He hits enter and stares at what he's just sent until he gets a notification for Taehyung's reply and he switches to that thread instead, texting back a simple sad face at the slew of ridiculous faces that Taehyung's sent him. Then he shoves his phone back in his pocket and attempts to tune back into whatever literature passage is now on the board.
He manages to get down a page or so of notes before he gets another reply. This time it's Jimin, laughing at him. Jeongguk types a reply. Screw you
Another few minutes of staring at the board goes by before he gets notifications, and this time, when he swipes his phone, he notices that there's three - in between Taehyung and Jimin is Seokjin's name. He chooses that one first.
okay - but aren't you in class?
that's why i'm bored
Jeongguk pauses and decides to add to it.
rescue me
Taehyung's and Jimin's messages are both laughing at him, so he decides to ignore them. Seokjin's reply doesn't take long.
i'm ignoring you until your class is over
Jeongguk realizes he's smiling as he reads it, and he debates on whether or not to play along. In the end, he spams Seokjin repeatedly with the word hyung, laying off after he sends around twenty of them and then sending more in short intervals, every minute or so. Seokjin holds out for an amazingly long time - fifteen minutes, maybe - before he finally replies.
okay okay okay when are you done where do you wanna go
i get out past four let's meet up downtown and grab dinner and stuff
okay now pay attention
you're so mean hyung
i'm being a good influence
sure
Jeongguk shoves his phone in his pocket and stares at the clock. Only an hour or so left, and it feels longer than it would if he didn't have plans, but at least he has something to look forward to after this. He feels a little bit excited, feels a little bit surprised at himself that he's feeling excited. After all, it's just hanging out - he does it with Jimin and Taehyung all the time, does it with his school friends all the time.
Seokjin's already sitting at the bus stop when Jeongguk arrives, scanning the flow of people off the bus, and Jeongguk raises a hand when he catches Seokjin's eye. By the time he gets to Seokjin, Seokjin's stood up, and they're close enough that Jeongguk realizes he can see eye to eye with Seokjin; he's the same height, and he wonders how long he's been the same height as Seokjin.
"Hey," Seokjin says, and Jeongguk replies in kind. "So, what should we do?"
Jeongguk considers, then decides, "Everything."
"Everything?" Seokjin asks with a bewildered laugh.
"Yeah," Jeongguk says, grinning. "You haven't been back in a while, right? We'll just check it all out."
Seokjin makes a noise of agreement and follows Jeongguk heading down the street.
A lot of it's the same; some of it's different, though, and Seokjin seems a bit sad, wistful, when he points out a couple of cafes that have closed since he's been back. Jeongguk recalls that Seokjin likes small, quiet, hard-to-notice places, and that's probably what those coffee shops had been; they were places that Jeongguk never stepped in, hadn't even noticed were gone, and he feels a bit sad about that, like he's missed out on something. He takes Seokjin to a hole-in-the-wall that's opened up a few years ago and gotten relatively famous, because the food really is good, and maybe because he's trying to make up for something, although he doesn't know for what, really.
By the time they've stepped back out into the street, the sky is already a thick, deep blue, and the street signs are all lit up, everything ground level awash in warm yellow or long shadow. Jeongguk watches the way the lights color Seokjin's face as Seokjin turns to him.
"That was nice," Seokjin says, voice soft enough to be almost lost in the sound of people around them.
Jeongguk cracks a smile. "Nice? That's all?"
Seokjin's eyes widen almost comically, and Jeongguk has to keep himself from laughing. "That's not what I meant!"
Jeongguk makes a noncommittal sound, then grins as Seokjin frowns at him. "Let's do it again," he finds himself suggesting, before he really thinks about it, and he's a bit surprised at himself, because it's presumptuous, isn't it, to automatically assume that Seokjin would want that.
But Seokjin's nodding, small smile dancing in the corners of his mouth, and he says, "Sure."
Jeongguk doesn't know how he feels about that.
a lot more after the beginning
Seokjin ends his job looking after Jeongguk and the others when he hits tenth grade and cram school truly takes up all his time, and Jeongguk doesn't see him at all, really, until he's in seventh grade. It's his first year of middle school, and for the first time ever, Jeongguk's actually having a harder time grasping what's being taught in class. It's not a big deal, really; he's smart enough to know that he has to spend a little more time studying, pay more attention in classes, ask Jeongmin questions when he really truly doesn't know how to do something. His mom notices the change, though, and frets more than Jeongguk thinks she should.
"Should I get you a tutor?" she muses, and Jeongguk knows from her tone that she's going to do it, no matter what his answer is.
"I don't think I need one, umma," he tells her anyway.
"Just a few sessions would be good, I think," she says, as if Jeongguk hasn't said anything.
The next week, Jeongguk bumps into Seokjin as he's coming home from an errand for his mom.
"Hyung," Jeongguk says, surprised. Seokjin is taller again. Jeongguk is taller, too, of course, but he doesn't really think about it.
"Jeonggukie," Seokjin greets with a small laugh, shifting his backpack strap. "This is funny; I was just going to your house."
"Why?" Jeongguk asks, before connecting the dots himself. "Did umma ask you to tutor me?" Seokjin laughs again and nods, and Jeongguk feels a bit embarrassed, like he's wasting Seokjin's time, like he needs to explain that he really doesn't need help, it's okay. They walk together for a little bit before Jeongguk blurts it out. "I don't- I told her that I was okay and I didn't need it, and you're probably busy, sorry."
When Jeongguk glances up at Seokjin, Seokjin looks a little surprised. "It's okay; she told me sort of the same thing, said we could just meet every other Sunday. I have enough time for that. Besides," he laughs, "I agreed to it because I didn't mind."
Jeongguk scrutinizes him, and Seokjin looks half-amused. "Okay," he decides. "It's really okay, though."
Seokjin just hums amiably - in agreement, Jeongguk hopes.
Seokjin is still a patient teacher, careful and deliberate, afraid of making mistakes that will confuse Jeongguk - but Jeongguk just grins whenever Seokjin tugs the notebook back with a no wait and stares at it with furrowed brows until he's double-checked that he taught everything correctly.
The weird thing is that Jeongguk's not as good at focusing as he used to be; sometimes he zones out during an explanation to stare off into space or stare at Seokjin's face or the way Seokjin's fingers move as he writes. It's not that big of a problem, not big enough for Seokjin to notice and reprimand him more than a couple of times, but whenever Jeongguk snaps himself back to algebra or literature or whatever they're doing, he's surprised at himself. It's not something that's ever happened before - Jeongguk's always been good at sitting himself down to work when he needs to.
But it's okay, he reasons, as he finishes up his last algebra problem and shoves his notebook over to Seokjin with a triumphant grin. Because it's not like it's getting in the way of anything; in fact, his grades have steadily risen to where they were before. Whether that's because of Seokjin's help or because he's really gotten the hang of it himself, he doesn't know.
now
Jeongguk's left his phone close enough to his head that the vibrating wakes him up.
let's hang out again - on a day you don't have class this time
Jeongguk blinks sleep out of his eyes as he reads the text. Late morning light is streaming in through his blinds, and Jimin is still passed out next to him on his bed. Taehyung is somewhere below on the floor, probably sprawled in a position that makes it impossible for anyone to walk without stepping on some part of him. They'd decided on a video game night, and Jimin had turned up with a few bottles of soju when he arrived, taken from his dad's store because he was out on a business trip and wouldn't remember when he got back. Not enough to get drunk, just buzzed for Jeongguk and Taehyung, and tipsy for Jimin, who began to lose spectacularly halfway through the night. It was probably a good thing there had been so little alcohol, though.
you try so hard to not lead me astray, hyung
Jeongguk rubs his eyes after he replies, setting down his phone and peeling Jimin's arm off so he can go use the bathroom. When he gets back, Seokjin's replied.
i do my best
Jeongguk smiles a little.
i'm free today
that's such short notice
also tomorrow
tomorrow, then?
okay
Jeongguk leans back and stares at the ceiling and thinks that making plans with Seokjin is surprisingly easy. Not that he had expected it to be difficult, or anything, from what he knows about him, but he's a bit surprised that Seokjin doesn't have older person things to do, is willing to hang out with Jeon Jeongguk, high school junior. Then again, Jeongguk realizes, mind drifting back all the way to elementary, he's never really minded.
still a lot more after the beginning
Seokjin tells Jeongguk that he's not going to be coming the next couple of weeks because of entrance exams, and it suddenly sinks in that Seokjin is, well, going off to college soon. And he's not sure what he's supposed to do about it; Seokjin has been constant but inconstant, there but not there, spending some time and then leaving and showing up again, strangely. It's never planned, really, and Jeongguk has lived fine in the intervals where Seokjin hasn't been there, lived fine with Seokjin tucked as a pleasant memory in the back of his head that he usually doesn't touch upon but pulls back up in quiet moments from time to time. Jeongguk supposes that he'll do the same this time, slide Seokjin - Seokjin's slow smile, awkward pauses, mellow voice, steady steady help - back into a mental drawer for safekeeping and wait for next time, if there is a next time.
"Good luck," he remembers to say before Seokjin leaves that day.
Seokjin smiles, and this time, it's nervous, hopeful. "Thanks."
Jeongguk mentions it in passing during lunchtime, a comment dropped about how he has his next few Sundays free, and Jimin pauses while he's eating.
"Exams?" he asks, and shudders as Jeongguk nods. "I don't even want to think about them."
"We have to," Taehyung intones. "We have to take high school exams."
"Suckers," Jeongguk says, laughing as Jimin makes a face and kicks Taehyung under the table.
"Will you miss him?" Taehyung asks, eyes trained on Jeongguk as he manages to kick Jimin back without looking.
Jeongguk blinks. "Miss him?"
Taehyung nods. "After he leaves."
Jeongguk doesn't answer right away, and Jimin fills in the silence for him. "Well, it's been almost a whole school year, right? That's a while."
"Yeah," Jeongguk says, and he doesn't know if he's agreeing to Jimin's question, or answering Taehyung's, or maybe doing both, but they seem to be okay with what he's said, and leave it.
When Seokjin comes back, Jeongguk asks him how he thinks he's done.
"I think it was okay," Seokjin says, picking his words tentatively as if he's afraid to jinx something.
"That's good," Jeongguk says, and his words feel sort of empty, sort of like they don't come from someone who knows Seokjin maybe a little bit better. He pauses, then opens his mouth again to speak, but all that comes out is, "You'll be leaving, huh?"
Seokjin doesn't look surprised, but he does look a little nostalgic, as if he's already missing this place, the town they've grown up in. "Yeah, I guess I will be." He spins his pencil between his fingers, catching it methodically once it's come first circle. "It'll be weird, but I think it'll be fun."
Jeongguk nods slowly and looks down at his own pencil. He's gripping it a little more tightly than usual. "Thanks for helping me out, hyung."
When he looks up, Seokjin is smiling. "Yeah, of course."
now
They end up hanging out more after that, enough that even Jimin complains about not seeing him as often, and Jeongguk laughs and tells him he's one to talk; besides, Taehyung and Jimin practically live over at his house, anyway. It's a little hard to get Jimin to drop it, though.
"Is Seokjin-hyung more fun than me?" he asks, grinning as he leans in towards Jeongguk.
Jeongguk puts a hand in his face unremorsefully and declines to answer.
If he were to answer, though, he'd say no, it's not really more fun, because he can't really compare it to the time he spends with Jimin and Taehyung. He doesn't know Seokjin like the back of his hand like he does his best friends, can't order a dish for him while he's in the bathroom because he doesn't know exactly what he wants, couldn't tell anyone much about Seokjin besides describing him with a few generic adjectives. But it's not hard to talk to Seokjin, either; Seokjin is comfortable company, comforting company - for the most part.
Sometimes, when the subject turns to what Seokjin's doing now, Seokjin will perk up a little bit and talk about marketing structures that Jeongguk hasn't covered yet in class, talk economics analysis that Jeongguk doesn't find really interesting, but that's okay; Jeongguk's willing to listen. It's Seokjin, after all - Jeongguk wonders how much listening Seokjin has done for him over the years, sitting quietly, eyes trained on Jeongguk as he'd muttered about how stupid class had been or why he had to do the work he'd been assigned. Jeongguk figures he should return the favor, reciprocate.
No, it's not really more fun in the sense that Jimin is talking about, but Jeongguk still wants to do it, for some reason.
Maybe it's just because it's Seokjin.
A lot of things are because it's Seokjin, Jeongguk realizes, sometime after they navigate a street full of shops and Seokjin picks out light summer dress shirts - for future usage, he explains - and Jeongguk decides to spend money on a snapback. When they get drinks, Seokjin goes for green tea, and Jeongguk goes for a smoothie, and suddenly, Jeongguk's flipping through his mental recollection of how different they can be, how strange it is that they're doing this although they, well, don't share a lot.
"What are you thinking about," Seokjin says more than asks, voice filtering into Jeongguk's head, and Jeongguk thinks about how used to this version of Seokjin's voice he is now.
"We're so different," Jeongguk laughs, looking him in the eye so Seokjin will understand that it's not necessarily a bad thing, just a thing he noticed. "We don't share a lot."
And he watches Seokjin's eyes widen just a little bit, watches him drink through his straw as he turns Jeongguk's words over in his head - watches him. "We sort of do, though," Seokjin says slowly, words stumbling a little bit, like he's unsure. "Share a lot, I mean. Well, a good amount, anyway."
Jeongguk thinks about it, thinks about seven ten eleven thirteen, which all feel long ago now, even though he's only seventeen, and he wonders if that's a good amount, compared to - compared to what, he doesn't know. "Yeah," he says, more to say something than to agree, really, because he thinks Seokjin is both right and wrong and four, five years could be long but it could be short, too.
and even more
Jeongguk doesn't go to Seokjin's graduation or anything. The only thing that happens is that Jeongguk's mom insists that Seokjin stay for dinner after their last tutoring session, so he does, putting away an impressive amount of what she heaps on his plate before admitting defeat - then it's time for him to leave.
They end up standing in the entrance, Seokjin's shoes already on, Jeongguk's toes curling over the step that leads into the rest of the house. Like this, he's almost the same height as Seokjin.
Seokjin hesitates, then says, "Remember to pay attention to grammar and things because you work too quickly through them; you'll do fine on math, I'm sure, and-"
"Hyung," Jeongguk interrupts, and laughs when Seokjin gives him the look he always gives whenever Jeongguk cuts him off. "I'm prepared, really."
Seokjin scrutinizes him for only seconds before his face melts into something softer. "I know."
And suddenly Jeongguk is not him from only a minute ago, not the one who would cut off Seokjin and then just apologize it afterwards; he's himself at ten again, staring at Seokjin curiously, almost nervous, unsure of what he should do, but trusting himself enough to just open his mouth and say whatever comes. "Thanks, hyung."
He's not sure if he was right or wrong when Seokjin's face gets even softer, eyes and mouth and cheeks rounding out more than usual. "You did a lot of it yourself, you know, Jeonggukie."
This time, when Jeongguk opens his mouth, his brain doesn't spill any words out for him, so he laughs instead, quiet, the way Seokjin does sometimes. His toes curl harder around the step that he's on, and he feels like if he does it hard enough, he'll lose his balance and fall forward - except Seokjin steps closer, sneakers squeaking, and he's close enough to catch Jeongguk if he does fall. And Seokjin's reaching out for a hug - something that he has only done in passing, and never really waited for Jeongguk to reciprocate - so Jeongguk is clumsy when he tries to return this one, feeling like his arms are wrapped around Seokjin's middle all wrong. They fit together strangely, but Seokjin is warm, and laughing, maybe at how badly they've done this.
"Good luck," Seokjin says as they pull apart, keeping his hands on Jeongguk's forearms as if to make sure he doesn't fall.
Jeongguk uncurls his toes and lets his weight shift back to safety. "You too, hyung."
now
Seokjin talks about what he's done in college, but doesn't talk about going back, and it isn't until Jeongguk listens to Jimin and Taehyung complaining about having to pack and get back to work that he consciously realizes that Seokjin is a college student; Seokjin is going to do that, too.
So Jeongguk asks, "When are you going back?" when they're sitting in a cafe, almost halfway through August, and watches Seokjin blink as if he hasn't even considered that question yet.
"In just over a week," Seokjin finally says, counting off carefully on his fingers. "Wow, over a week."
Jeongguk laughs, easy, and Seokjin breaks into a smile at his own reaction.
Jeongguk is about to reply, about to say something like I can't believe summer went so fast, when Seokjin beats him to speaking, smile now morphed into something smaller, lurking. "Thanks."
"For?" Jeongguk says immediately, caught off-guard.
"Hanging out with me," Seokjin says, as if it's obvious, and maybe in a way, it is, had been, has been.
Jeongguk smiles, too, small, like Seokjin's, and shakes his head.
He realizes later that day that it was strange to be thanked by Seokjin because he has always been the one thanking instead, and it's not something Seokjin has to do, ever, really, Jeongguk thinks.
He realizes a little later after that that maybe Seokjin has felt the same way about Jeongguk's thanks every time he's given it, like it's not something he has to do, but it's something Jeongguk would do, anyway. It's something Seokjin would do, anyway.
Jeongguk does not see Seokjin off on his last day or anything. The only thing that happens is that they hang out one last afternoon, and Jeongguk tells Seokjin to choose the restaurant because he's the one who's going to be leaving, going, gone.
They end up standing next to the entrance, out of the way of whoever is coming in and out, and close enough that Jeongguk only sees Seokjin's face when he looks him in the eye.
Seokjin starts first. "Thanks. Again."
You don't have to say thanks, Jeongguk thinks about saying, but instead, he says, "Anytime," and he realizes he means it. Anytime is okay, anytime he wants to drop back in. It's worked so far.
Seokjin laughs like he's feeling out the space around them, like he's wondering when.
And Jeongguk's reaching out for a hug, a strange move because they have hung out but rarely touched, but Seokjin moves towards it like he's been expecting it, and they do a decent job of it, Jeongguk thinks, shifting so everything fits a little bit better. Fits well enough.
"You'll do well, hyung," Jeongguk finds himself saying, and wonders why he says it, when he decided on it.
Seokjin accepts it with a smile, the big one that stretches out his mouth unevenly, and leans in once more just for an arm hug. "You too."
later
Jeongguk is eating lunch with Hoseok and Namjoon after their club meeting when Namjoon mentions offhandedly that one of their recent alums is coming back to visit next week.
"Who?" Jeongguk asks through a mouthful of rice, and Hoseok jokingly covers his mouth.
"Seokjin-hyung," Namjoon answers.
Jeongguk blinks, then laughs, almost unsurprised.