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You sleep now and thank God for that because I don’t think I could bear to listen to your painful moans any second longer. You sleep now, just how I was holding you, with your lips slightly parted for little breaths. You still rest your head on my chest and you furrow your brows as well… I want to believe that’s it’s only because you fell asleep like this, not because you feel discomfort even in your sleep. No. God no. I want to believe that you just drifted off like that, that it’s the only reason. I close my eyes and I listen to the soft sound of your breaths.
I don’t know which night in a row this is when I can’t sleep after your attack. They are getting worse and I see it, I hear it in you every moan even though you still try to pretend sometimes. Idiot. Why do you do that? If it makes it better, if it makes it any easier when you scream – scream! Shout, moan, howl, hit me, do anything that will help! Don’t be such a good person and don’t think about me! For fucks sake, Marco! You can’t do that. You can’t. It’s me who should be helping you, and you shouldn’t be worrying about me on top of everything…
I don’t even realise it at first but I hold you tighter now. Fuck, I’m so bloody scared. I’m so bloody scared! I know I must be stronger, I have to, for you. Tonight I was trying so fucking hard! I didn’t cry. I stroked your hair, I soothed you, I held you tightly when you writhed in pain, but I managed not to cry. Now I can’t help it anymore. You sleep, so I want to believe that you’ll never know. Fuck. FUCK!
Why? Why is it so fucking unfair? Why you? WHY THE FUCK MUST IT BE YOU?! You didn’t do anything to deserve this. Bloody hell, it was me who did a few things that… I killed a dog in the third grade. I didn’t meant to but… How fucking stupid I had to be, even as a kid, to think that tying the poor pup to a pole with a plastic twine was a good idea? Fuck. And before, in the first grade, I threw stones at the one kid from preschool and he lost two teeth and still has a scar over his eyebrow. And at the end of primary school? Bloody hell, Marco, I was the worst asshole towards that one girl in my class. We all were, we all picked on her and bullied her and I did too, as much if not more than others. There was lots of stuff like this. God, if you’d knew the half of it, you wouldn’t want to know me. You wouldn’t allow me to be here, to hold you, to listen to you breathe…
I want to scream, I want to howl. Only the fact that you sleep, that you clench your fingers on my t-shirt even now, in your rest, only this prevents me from howling. This, and the fear of looking away from you for even a second. I’m afraid that if I turn away… No, I can’t think about that. I just can’t. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!
Fuck. I need to pull myself together with all this crying or else you’ll soon have my snot all over your hair. I don’t think I can reach the tissues on the desk over there without moving. And I don’t want to leave you, even for a moment. Not like this, not now, not ever. Never. Damn. Stupid, snotty nose. Sleep, Marco, and never know that I wiped my nose with my t-shirt. Wiped. I didn’t blew into it. That’s a significant difference, for the record. But sleep anyway, because you’d probably kill me with your laughter if you’d ever learn about this.
Though, maybe then… You laugh so little recently… Well, no fucking shit, Jean, you’re better than Sherlock today! Maybe I’m an idiot but I know you don’t have much reason to laugh now. Maybe I should stop with my stupid jokes and fooling around. Maybe it’s egoistic of me, trying to make you laugh as much as possible. Your smile… Marco, I… God, why? I can’t think about this. Even the thought that you’ll go is too much and I… I won’t see your smile ever again?
You twitch in your sleep and my heart jumps. God, I was afraid I woke you with my stupid whispering. I should probably shut up, but I can’t, I can’t anymore. I can’t tell you any of this during the day. I can only whisper when you sleep, and hope that you won’t hear. You can’t hear, right? You sleep, right? Sleep, Marco. Rest from this pain. I won’t go anywhere, nor now nor…
I’ll stay with you.