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Attempt: 333 | Day 1
She wasn't paying attention. She had, after all, heard this sort of spiel before. Not this exact one, mind you. But Eleanor was a self-accessed expert at "listening" to this kind of instruction. Replace "You'll be dead if you engage in anymore Non-Stop Margarita Weekends" with "You're dead and this is the afterlife" and the messages were not all that different. It all ended with the prospect of doing nothing and being bored.
At the same time, and she hated to admit it, explanatory spiels, like snowflakes, were unique in their own ways. Usually, these differences were negative: the high, squeaky voice; the judgmental attitude; the physical looming over her; and the loss of personal space with all the finger-pointing. This was different. She could "listen" to Michael all day: so warm, melodious, and free of all judgment. So when he said, "Let's go to your new home," Eleanor offered up her hand and said, "I'll go anywhere you'll take me."
And she almost didn't regret it when she saw the amalgamation of geometry class and neon colors that he said represented her heart's desire. She was able to ignore the clown artwork—every piece would soon be consumed in a tragic spontaneous combustion incident. And the lack of stairs to her bed was just an excuse for exercise until she built a clothes mountain to a point that it was large enough to climb.
The afterlife seemed like a manageable bust until a certain word caught her ear: soulmate. "I don't have one of those," said Eleanor to herself as much as to Michael. "I mean, I had a few close calls but once the tequila wore off it was a different story."
"This is totally different," Michael said before droning on with the soulmate explanation. Eleanor nodded and blinked, her mind racing past his words toward her memory book of soulmates: would it be someone she knows? Would it be Stone Cold!?
Michael motioned toward the open door and she raced there, careful to keep her chin up so as to meet whatever dashing soulmate on the other side right in the eye. But no one was there. A sudden bark sent her eyes down. "Who is this?"
"This," said Michael as he met her at the door, "is your soulmate. This is Cheddar."
"Like the cheese?"
"Yes but mostly like the dog. This dog!"
Eleanor smiled as a silent scream echoed in her head. Dog? Dog! Dogs were all long sober walks, food more expensive than hers, daycares dominated by over-identifying "parents" who were worse than people with children, and picking up poop with only a thin bit of latex between you and vomit city. She was not one for dogs. "Are you sure?"
"We've run the numbers and no one is more suited to you than Cheddar here." Michael reached into his coat and pulled out an envelope. "Most soulmates are able to share their stories with others a bit more easily. And while you may one day learn to speak dog—it is sadly the only language we cannot naturally translate—sharing his story with you this way is the right thing to do now."
Eleanor took the envelope and stared at it blankly. "I…"
"That's the spirit!" Michael pointed back towards the bedroom. There are two boxes—one for you and one for Cheddar. Wear those to tonight's gala. And don't forget to make it to orientation in two hours."
"But…"
"Thank you and welcome home!" he said before walking out the door.
Eleanor sighed. The envelope drifted to the floor as she made her way toward the dog. Instinctively, she held out her hand and said, "My name is Eleanor. Nice to meet you."
The dog walked forward, sat tall, and then placed his paw in her hand. "Well, that was unexpected." Up close, she could faintly detect what someone might like about a dog: the glorious shaggy yellow fur, the friendly floppy ears, or the soulful eyes. Maybe it won't be so bad. "But your name's not Cheddar. You can't be named after food. Your name is...Honeybear. What d'you think?"
She could have sworn she saw a smile stretch across his face. Despite her own instincts, she could feel a smile spreading across her face as well. She took a few steps back, retrieved the envelope, and returned her place before the dog. She held up the life story envelope and said, "You know what: we're both starting fresh here. I don't need to worry about the past if you don't." The dog formerly known as Cheddar barked in a manner that Eleanor could only characterize as enthusiastic. She nodded and ripped the envelope in two. "Now let's go check out our gifts!"
Attempt: 333 | Day 2
There was a pounding in her head. She was, in a way, used to that sort of thing, what with the various non-stop margarita weekends, brunch-to-dinner mimosa specials, and random keggers she had managed to attend in life. Cautiously, she allowed an eye to peep open but then shut it quickly, yelping at the sight of clear, bright light. The pounding was so loud, so centralized, that it took her a moment to recognize the rustling to her right. She opened her eyes again. "Ah, there it is," she said, watching the windows visibly vibrate.
She reached out and touched a paw. She looked over and there was Honeybear fast asleep, his "Good Boy" sash still visible across his back. Eleanor leaned back against him. When he didn't wake up, she laid her head to the side and took a deep, long sniff into his fur. He smelled less like whatever a dog was supposed to smell like and more like something fine and clean. "You're the Laura Mercier Setting Powder of dogs," she whispered into his back. "Has anyone told you that? Except you don't make me look like I've been doing coke if I use too much. You're better. Were you some model's dog? All the Instagram beauty gurus would be jealous."
The rumble returned. She felt it through his fur. Honeybear woke with a start. He slipped out from beneath Eleanor, sending her head crashing to the bed with a softened thud. After a quick grumble, she followed him to the floor. Each step forward was met with resistance as the house quaked beneath her feet.
"Siri!" she wailed. "Siri? Siri-us XM Help Channel? Come on, what's her name?! I need some answers. I want to understand what's going on. I want the illusion of...control. Who knows all about Control?" she asked Honeybear. He offered a cheerful bark in reply. "That's right—Janet!"
"You called?"
Eleanor jumped back a few steps at the sight of Janet. But just as quickly she stepped forward, eyeing the trails of dirt and stickiness that clung to her jumper. "What's going on? What happened to you?"
"The neighborhood is currently being terrorized by a sugar substitute caniform-type creature. We suggest that you remain in your home until the terror has passed."
"What the fork is a 'sugar substitute caniform-type creature'?"
Janet held up a finger as she dug into her pocket. She pulled out a small metal rectangle. She began to unfold it and soon it appeared to be a small screen. Janet hung the screen in mid-air and stood next to Eleanor. She pulled a long remote control from another pocket, saying, "There are just so many channels so it may take a moment to find it."
But soon enough the scene was playing out before their eyes. The streets of downtown were stained by thick sticky puddles and dried syrupy threads streaked the rubble. Meat-on-a-Stick stores as far as the eye could see were trashed, with little more than their sticks of choice held to their barren walls by treacle. And out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of it. Its lumbering gait, its stocky form, its almost pettable ears; its translucent golden hue. Could it be? "It's not a…," she began.
"It is very much a Honey Bear."
She couldn't deny it. The Honey Bear roared and swatted at the Stick 'Em Up cart. The cart went flying into a nearby house. The air soon became littered with flying skewers as the bear tried to shake out the various sticks embedded in its sticky paws.
"Janet," she said softly, "what happened last night?"
Janet raised the remote and said, "I can show the things that happened to you or I can show you the whole party. Your choice."
"I'm a bit fuzzy about the whole night...so, just the 'me' parts."
The channel changed. Before she replayed the events of the last night, she in her black dress and "Best Person" sash with Honeybear at her side. A waiter walked up to her with a tray of champagne flutes. She watched as past Eleanor took two glasses and nodded him on. She quickly downed the first glass and held it impatiently until another waiter walked by. She placed the empty glass on his tray and looked down at Honeybear, saying, "Let's keep moving."
"Is it all like this?" asked Eleanor. "It seems like a very ho-hum night."
Janet shushed her with a finger to her lips. Eleanor swatted her away just in time to see another woman—tall and elegant if a little uncertain—approach her. "Hello, 'Best Person,'" she said with a slight laugh, "I don't think we've met."
"Nope," said Eleanor as she took a sip of champagne.
"Well, yes. My name is Tahani," she said, hand extended. "This is my home."
Eleanor offered her a limp handshake. She looked around the room and said, "It's not bad."
"Thank you. I do pride myself on my ability to put together a room. As my dear friend Elto…"
"Oh, I'm sure," said Eleanor halfheartedly.
"Yes," replied Tahani, her voice dropping low. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you about your dog."
"You mean Honeybear. He's my soulmate."
"People certainly do feel that way about their pets."
"It's not like that: he's my soulmate. He's my bro."
"Be that as it may: I cannot allow him to be here, let alone to just wander around without a leash. What if he bit someone?"
"Bit someone? Bit someone?! Do you not see his sash? He's a forking 'Good Boy' and he's not going to go off the rails or anything."
"And, again, be that as it may: I cannot allow him in my home."
Eleanor drained the last of her champagne and dropped the flute on the tray of a passing waiter. "Ok, then we're done here. Wouldn't want to ruin your lovely home. But this is not the last you've heard of me or Honeybear."
Eleanor stared on as past Eleanor and Honeybear turned for the door. Many thoughts drifted through her mind but she was only able to vocalize one: "Oh shirt!"
Janet turned to her, eyebrow raised. "Are you ok? As you well know, I could get you an array of … "
"No arrays this time Janet. I need the biggest, ethical-ist nerd you can find. I think I'm gonna need 'em."
Attempt: 333 | Day 3
"I can't do this. I'm not even sure I need to anymore," said Eleanor as she walked away from her home.
"I don't see how you came to that conclusion," yelled a voice from behind.
Eleanor stopped where she stood and turned around. She stared at the harried man who ran towards her. Once he stopped, he pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and motioned at her in a frustrated manner. "Chidi, I think I'm right about this. I mean, has anything bad happened since the HB incident? No."
"But…!"
"And what have I been doing? Sitting still and listening. I think the situation is clear: if I make a few choices and say as few things as possible, we're all good."
"But choosing not to do anything is still a choice," explained Chidi. "Sartre tells us that…"
"And that's another thing. I don't want to hear any more about philosophers or philosophy. I can stay out of trouble just as well by watching a Real Housewives marathon."
"But we've only been talking philosophy for five hours over the last two days."
"That's five more hours than I've ever spent thinking about philosophy when I was alive," she said. "Baby steps. I need baby steps, Chidi. And you don't teach a baby philosophy."
"But your average baby won't offer an off-hand threat at a party and then see an overly literal manifestation of that threat wreak havoc on the beef district."
"Maybe. I mean...it does smell like a dozen cows exploded downtown," she said, her voice but a whisper at the last word.
"And what does that mean?"
"That I'm stuck eating dried-out chicken on a stick until they rebuild." Eleanor turned away, suddenly aware of the tears building up in the corners of her eyes. "Michael said it may take a week. I miss the Swish Shish Kabob already!"
"Then you're going to have to make a choice."
Eleanor nodded. "But what happens when I make the choice to study philosophy and a 40-foot Sartre appears to destroy a newly opened lamb district?"
"That just maybe a chance you're going to have to take."
Eleanor sighed. "Maybe," she murmured. She turned back to Chidi and said, "I'm going to need a moment to myself. You should go back to the house. And you should let my HB out of the closet. I don't know why I let you lock my soulmate away."
"Because he was trying to chew through my Introduction to Philosophy book."
"A certain someone would just get you a new one if you just asked her."
"But this one has all my notes," he said, sulking.
"Whatever. Just let him out."
Eleanor didn't watch as he walked away. Did she really need all of this? Philosophy wouldn't calm her temper even if Chidi could cite a thousand philosophers' pieces of advice. Maybe she was too far gone? Maybe she was so far gone that Oprah wouldn't even be able to offer her proper advice. "I can't be that bad?" she whispered.
"Hello there!"
"Hi," she answered, her voice trailing off to the end. Where did she know that voice?
"It's me, Tahani. We met at the party. I'm your neighbor."
Eleanor nodded. She turned around and, for a moment, all she could do was stare, taken aback at Tahani's smile. Had she ever seen one so open, so wide before? "It's nice to see you again," she said, running her hands over the front of her shirt as if to smooth out the obvious wrinkles.
"I was hoping that you'd say that," said Tahani. "I feel as if we got off on the wrong foot, so to speak. I was hoping we could rectify that."
"You know, I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday! I would absolutely love to put any bad feelings aside. You can't let bad feelings sit between neighbors."
"I completely agree! I was thinking that maybe you—and that includes your handsome soulmate—would like to come back for a visit. My soulmate, Jianyu, indicated through some very intense moments of silence that he would love to meet you and your companion."
"I would love that." She heard a faint rustling in the distance. Eleanor looked to the side and saw Honeybear running to meet them. "My soulmate is on the way. Let's see what he thinks?"
Honeybear ran past Eleanor to Tahani. He jumped up and placed his paws on her stomach. Tahani's smile melted a bit as she feinted pats to his head. "That's a good boy," she said shakily, "placing your muddy paws on me in such a manner."
"Come on, HB," said Eleanor as she tried to lure him away, "Let's leave the nice lady alone." After a few moments of standoff, Honeybear went to Eleanor's side. "That is a good boy." She looked back up at Tahani and said, "I'm so sorry about that. I think he's a little riled up after being in the closet for so long."
"The closet?"
"Yeah. He and Chidi, my ethics instructor, weren't really getting along."
"An ethics instructor?"
"Well yes. I may have come to this neighborhood as the 'best person", but I believe anyone can be a better person with just a little more effort."
"That's fascinating," said Tahani. "I would just love to sit in on one of those sessions. And I should bring Jianyu! My beloved is a monk. Though he has taken a vow of silence, I believe there is much we could learn from his quiet discipline."
"Oh sure. So tomorrow?"
"Absolutely! It's a date."
"I do like the sound of that! Until then."
"Quite right. Until then."
Eleanor watched as Tahani walked back to her home. She turned to Honeybear and asked, "Why'd you do that?" He just stared at her, his face plastered with a typical doggy grin. She couldn't hate him, even if he was harshing her scene. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter. Looks like we've to at least one more day of that bullshirt to listen to."
She cringed at the sound of the words coming out of her mouth. Why couldn't they swear again? It almost didn't matter. She gave Honeybear a pat on the head and led him back to her house. She had to let Chidi know that they'd be having extra students for tomorrow's session.
Attempt: 333 | Day 4
"Well, that didn't go exactly as planned."
Eleanor couldn't disagree. She sat in the row across from Tahani, absentmindedly stroking Honeybear's fur as she pondered the events of the previous hour. "I don't know what to say."
"You could perhaps say that you're sorry."
"I suppose. Tahani: I'm sorry that an hour of ethics class ended with the two of us fleeing our homes to a place that exists between the Good and Bad Places."
Tahani nodded. She turned to the window and let out a lonesome sigh. "Oh, Jianyu."
"I'm sorry about that too," added Eleanor. "If it helps...Honeybear still has a bit of his robe in his mouth. That could be something that you use to remember him by."
Eleanor thought she caught sight of Tahani's smile reflected in the window. "I appreciate that. But I don't think I can use it. I didn't know him. Not really, that is. And to think of all of his lies. Can I even call him by that name anymore?"
"Well, and this is just theory, we won't be seeing any of them anymore. You should call him by any name you want."
"That is a way to think of it," Tahani said. "Thank you."
Eleanor nodded and turned to the window. Still stroking Honeybear, she began to wonder if this had been the right move. It was too late to turn back now. Right or wrong, the Medium Place was probably the place for her.
+ + +
"Oh, it's you."
Eleanor felt her mouth fall open. A shocked sound issued forth from Tahani behind her. Janet, at least from the sound of things, had no response. "What kind of greeting is this?"
The woman in front of her merely shook her head. "You don't even know who I am. None of you do," she said.
"Should we?" asked Tahani.
"Are you kidding me? This is the…," she began, grimacing. She threw up her hands and exclaimed, "It doesn't matter! I'm Mindy St. Claire. Come in."
Janet was the first to walk into the small house. Tahani squeezed past Eleanor and entered next. Eleanor began to step forward when she heard a certain pronouncement: "No dogs."
"What do you mean 'no dogs?'"
"I thought it was pretty obvious," said Mindy. "I don't want any dogs in my house."
"But this dog is my soulmate," explained Eleanor.
"And I'd still be a millionaire— a lot of good it would do me—if I had, and was able to keep, a dollar for every person who claimed her dog was her soulmate."
"But this isn't like that!"
"I don't care. There's a small hut in the back garden. It's my masturbation hut but your dog can live in it for a night."
"Oh, we'll be here longer than a night."
Mindy smiled, her eyes crinkling inauthentically, and gave a short laugh. "Oh, I bet you will. Doesn't matter: the dog goes to the back. Take it back around yourself. It cannot walk through the house."
Eleanor felt the rant building up in her throat. But she swallowed it instead of letting it stream forth. "Come on, Honeybear," she said, her eyes focused on Mindy. "Let's go to your new hut."
Eleanor and Honeybear walked side by side to the hut. To Mindy's benefit, it looked to Eleanor to be a solid structure. She raised an arm as a sort of usher to Honeybear. He walked into the hut and turned to face her. Eleanor knelt down and wrapped her arms around his neck. "This is your house but only for the night. We'll be together again soon."
When she made it back to the front door, Mindy asked said, "You don't even have any cocaine on you, do you?"
"What?!"
Mindy groaned and said, "Just get in the house."
+ + +
"I've been thinking about this very seriously. And I don't want you to take this the wrong way. But do you think we'll go back?"
Eleanor shrugged. She leaned back against her cot on the floor and said, "Anything could happen but I wasn't planning on it."
"Did you run away often in your old life?" asked Tahani.
"That's pretty presumptuous!"
"Is it?" asked Tahani. She sat up on the couch and said, "When I confronted you at the party, you ran. And when an ethics lesson turned into a dog vs. man-child showdown, you grabbed the dog and a friend-type person and looked for the nearest door."
"Oh sure, you could say it like that."
"And?"
"And nothing. Maybe you're right. Maybe I hate conflict and so I either throw up a sarcastic shell to ward off criticism or I run so I don't have to deal with it."
They both sat silently, letting the words linger in the air. Tahani climbed down from the couch and slipped in next to Eleanor on her cot. "You don't need to do this...whatever this is."
"But I want to. Let's not run away from each other tonight. And if you feel fine in the morning, let's return to our homes. Our real homes."
Eleanor nodded, hoping the lightness of her movement would calm the swift beating of her heart. She slid back down onto the cot and turned away from Tahani. "You don't have to do this."
"You've already said that and I do. You don't think that anyone is there for you. I am...at least for tonight."
"Then thank you." They were the last words spoken for the night.
Attempt: 333 | Day 5
"I'm back!" shouted Eleanor as she pushed open the door to her home. Her eyes instantly met those of Michael, Chidi, and the man formerly known as Jianyu. "Um...that was more for the house than for anyone in this room."
"But it needs to be," said Michael. "You leave with Tahani and Cheddar…"
"That's Honeybear," she said.
"...and Janet…"
"I'm here, boss," said Janet as she appeared in the room.
"...and you just disappeared. Where were you all?"
"We were in the Medium Place."
Michael mouthed the words back to her in astonishment before saying them aloud: "The Medium Place. The Medium Place!"
"What's that?" asked Jason. "Is there a Medium Rare Place because I think that's where I want to go."
"This has nothing to do with steak and everything to do with leaving here—the Good Place—and setting out for a place that doesn't compare. And why? What are you running from, Eleanor?"
"Nothing anymore," she said. "Tahani and I hashed it out last night and I think my place is here."
"Do you?" asked Michael.
"Absolutely! And Chidi," she said, turning to him, "I want to dedicate myself to your teaching. Am I the 'Best Person'? No. Am I even a good person? I have no clue. But I want to be able to answer that question without lying."
"And I want to help you!"
"That's great. And Michael—you've shown me nothing but kindness and I want to return that to you one day. Be patient with me."
"I...I don't know what to say," said Michael.
"Just be happy for me...please," said Eleanor.
A scream pierced through the jubilation. Tahani ran in, mouth agape and dress askew, as Honeybear followed, a piece of lavender fabric in his mouth. "Eleanor!" she yelled, "I know he is your soulmate but he is a monster!"
The room was already in hysterics before the words fell from her lips. Both Chidi and Jason both skittered to the corners of the room, each shouting mentions of "book eater" and "doggy bully." Michael stared on stunned as everyone save himself and Janet acted frenzied over a dog. "What is this, Eleanor?"
"There's a bit of conflict emerging with Honeybear," she explained.
"For the last time: his name is Cheddar. You can't just rename your soulmate if you don't like his name!"
"But that's so stupid, Michael! Who names a dog after food?"
"You did! What do you think a 'honey bear' is?"
Eleanor paused a minute, trying to let the information settle with her. It did not. "A 'honey bear' may hold honey but it's still cute and not a block of forking cheese!"
The noise soon became deafening as each person argued about the dog's actions or his name, each person trying to eagerly, angrily be heard over the other. Eleanor felt a new rant welling up in her throat when she cast a sharp glance to the left. She did a double-take as she watched Honeybear turn in a circle and lie down, undisturbed by the moment's outrage.
"What a minute!" she yelled above the fray. It took all her willpower to keep quiet until everyone else calmed. "Maybe this is crazy but hear me out. Look at this," she said, pointing at Honeybear. "Look at him: we're freaking out but he's perfectly calm. Is this a dog's behavior?"
They all seemed to think about it before shaking their heads. "And Tahani: think about yesterday. It was chaos when he was around but once we were alone, everything sort of worked itself out. And Chidi: our lessons went better when he was locked in the closet. And the gala night: it was his...well, it was just that he was there that started the argument which then led to the rampaging honey bear."
"What are you getting at here?" asked Michael.
"This dog is not my soulmate, no matter how much I may want it to be true. He's a dog who feeds himself and uses the toilet. Who wouldn't want that to be true? But it's not. He just breeds anger and frustration and...and that can't happen in a Good Place. Guys," she said, eyes downcast, "I'm beginning to think that this is actually the Bad Place."
Everyone stood quietly as the information slowly dawned on them. Each of them turned to Michael, wide-eyed. Michael could only shake his head and say, "Oh, for fork's sake!"
Honeybear barked in a tone that Eleanor thought sounded angry. "You've no right to talk," said Michael. "You wanted to be someone's pet and then you had to go and make a mess of it."
"You understand what he's saying?" asked Eleanor. "I thought this neighborhood didn't translate dog talk."
"It doesn't. I speak dog—everyone who's anyone can. He's saying something like 'This was all your stupid plan.' But it wasn't," he said, turning to Honeybear. "It was your stupid idea and you forked it up. That's the last time I give a dog a say in this neighborhood."
"You were in on this the whole time?" she asked the dog. He barked out what she could only assume was an affirmation. "And to think I trusted you, you with your fuzzy face and squishy ears. I'll never trust another dog."
"That makes two of us," said Michael. "Ok, that's a rap on number 333. Time to restart."
"Restart?" asked Chidi.
"Yes, we're due for a restart. You're in the Bad Place and it's not like you get to leave. That is, it's not like you get to leave for very long."
"That's not fair!" shouted Jason.
"It's not right!" shouted Tahani.
"It doesn't matter," said Eleanor. "We've been through this once. We'll remember this and come through stronger the next time."
"Not quite," said Michael. He snapped his fingers and the world went blank.
Attempt 334 | Day 1
Eleanor opened her eyes. She looked around the waiting room and noticed the phrase on the wall: Everything is Great! She heard a door crack open. She followed the sound to the sight of a white-haired man and blue plaid suit standing in the doorway. "Come in, Eleanor," he said. "We're waiting for you."
Eleanor shrugged and walked towards the light.