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As soon as shitty EDM music makes its way to his ears, Jungkook regrets stepping out of the house.
Contrary to what TV shows display, in the last few years parties never became his habitat. He wasn’t acquainted with any of the kids who hosted the large scale gatherings at their parents’ big, shiny penthouses, because someone as plain as him never became interesting enough to get caught by their radar. To top it all off, he’s been adamant about not drinking until he attains the legal age, unlike everyone surrounding him grinding on strangers’ bodies and drowning their minds with cans that Jungkook can’t even pronounce the names of.
When the main door swings open, he takes a minute to adjust his vision to the dark room illuminated by a huge disco ball hanging low from the ceiling. Along with it, yellow fairy lights are strung around the house. In other situations Jungkook would probably consider fairy lights quite romantic but here, shining above people dancing to terrible music, they seem a bit out of place. Well, glad to know he isn’t the only one.
He feels like he is barging into territory that isn’t his. Which is true in a way, since he’s never been invited to any occasion of this sort or visited any with his friends who stopped trying to drag him out years ago. It’s the first and probably the last time.
Jungkook isn’t one to take actions thoughtlessly. Tonight, there is one and only one thing that drew him to this house that he now realises belongs to some bratty rich girl whose parents spoiled her sick, and that is to make peace with his unresolved feelings threatening to bubble over after his acceptance letter arrived in the mail a week ago.
High school had been a bland experience. Jungkook had his friends with him, and he counts all his lucky stars for their presence in his life, though none of them shared any classes with him. He’d tried—God, he had tried so hard—to fit in with everyone else in his classes but it hadn’t worked out, and he soon decided that he was better off not associating with anyone. Those days flash by in front of his eyes as he scans the heads of all the people present.
Jungkook immediately whirls around when an arm snakes around his waist.
It’s Seokjin. “I thought you weren’t going to come,” he yells to be heard over the music.
“Yeah, well. I’m full of surprises,” Jungkook replies, smiling shyly to himself.
“That you certainly are,” Seokjin agrees, nodding and says, “Let’s get out of here.”
Jungkook is grateful for the offer. He wastes no time in grabbing onto the hand Seokjin held out for him, and they meander through the hordes of sweaty, drowned in deodorant bodies together. On the way he gets stepped on by numerous heels, but calms himself down by repeatedly chanting that it wasn’t intentional. He is not going to think of anyone from this place anymore. After tonight, he will close all loose ends from this chapter of his life. He will never see these people again.
He will never meet Seokjin again.
“Thanks,” he says to Seokjin when they collapse out in the balcony, letting go of their clammy hands and scoot over to sit in front of each other. Confetti litters the carpet of artificial grass along with a bottle of beer that somebody probably left out here by accident. Jungkook stares at it.
Seokjin picks at the plastic grass and makes a frustrated face when it doesn’t come out with a tug. Looking up at Jungkook, he gives a knowing smile. “No problem. I know how much you dislike these kind of… gatherings.”
“I never understood the hype.” Jungkook sighs. He doesn’t judge people who love getting wasted every weekend. It’s mostly because he knows it isn’t his place to judge, and also because he doesn’t give a fuck.
“I’m not very fond of them either, to be honest. Even tonight I only came because Hoseok said it would be fun, that it is the last party of high school, a memorable event that I wouldn’t wanna miss out on, and all that shit. I couldn’t even find him in here, and I’ve been here for hours.”
Humming in response, Jungkook examines Seokjin’s expression. He looks serene as always, a light smile constantly playing on his lips and Jungkook is whipped. He asks, “Do you want to go back in then?”
“Hell, no. Honestly I’d much rather be here with you. This place really sucks.” Jungkook can tell that Seokjin isn’t just referring to the unknown person’s house, but the school itself that bound them in for years, and this city where they can’t breathe. He wants to tell Seokjin that they can escape right now.
Instead, Jungkook resorts to patting Seokjin’s knee in agreement. “I think I’ve said this way too many times but there is nothing in this world that I’m grateful for more than I am about this hellhole finally letting us go.”
“Aw, are you that excited to go off to college?”
“Of course. New beginnings and all that.” Seokjin doesn’t know Jungkook has already packed his bags. It is one of the reasons why he arrived later than everyone else. He’s not too keen on adapting to a whole new life but the eternal need to run away from his current one scratches at his conscience.
“It’s not going to be fun and games, though. My brother told me the workload will increase a million times. We should count ourselves lucky that we get a full night’s sleep these days.”
“On the brighter side, I’ll get to be a new person. I will meet new people, people who don’t thrive off drama or seek pleasure in making others feel shitty. Tell me, wouldn’t you want to be surrounded by people who get you?” Jungkook counters. He raises an eyebrow when Seokjin gives him another wistful smile. “What?”
“Nothing. I’m just happy to see you finally growing up.” Seokjin ruffles Jungkook’s hair and leans forward until their foreheads touch. He’s warm, Jungkook realises, even though summer hasn’t fully arrived yet. Their breaths unite as wind blows around them, causing a shiver to pass through Jungkook’s entire body and in a split second he reaches his hands up to cup Seokjin’s face and to revel in his warmth.
Seokjin doesn’t waste time in asking unnecessary questions. He remains calm and collected as opposed to Jungkook who is breathing too heavily because of the miniscule distance between his and Seokjin’s faces, their mouths.
Jungkook has wanted to kiss Seokjin senseless for a long time. It’s stupid, he knows, since they have never even hugged or held hands on occasions other than wading through crowds where they were afraid of being separated. However tonight, Jungkook guesses, he has nothing to lose. He might never meet Seokjin again after the night ends anyway. It’s why he came here in the first place. To confess what his heart holds back.
To his utter surprise Seokjin giggles as if he can read Jungkook’s thoughts. That snaps Jungkook out of his daydreams.
“What?” he asks again, a bit impatiently.
“Nothing. I…” Seokjin trails off and pulls back, much to Jungkook’s chagrin. “Do you want some french fries? I want to eat french fries.” He refuses to make eye contact and stands up, brushing dust off his backside.
“I doubt they have french fries at this party.”
Seokjin frowns. “Who said we’re gonna stay here? I saw a McDonald’s on the way. We can go there.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Look at the time. It probably closed a while ago.” Jungkook points to the skyline through the jail-like bars of the railings. The city never sleeps, yet it’s obvious even to the oblivious that lights have been turned off in surrounding residential areas.
“You whine too much. Come on.”
“Seokj—”
And then they are out of the house with Seokjin leading the way. In the communal hallway he presses every button available for the lifts, tapping his foot in an erratic rhythm while Jungkook’s heart thumps along to the same beat. Seokjin’s patience runs out soon enough and then they are racing down the staircase together, chuckling and yelling and gliding down the railings on their butts.
“Race you to the lobby,” Seokjin taunts with a glint in his eye as he looks back and winks. It isn’t exactly a race because even though Seokjin started earlier, he waits a tiny second at the foot of the stairs to turn around and grin at Jungkook. Jungkook feels on top of the world with every excited whoop that comes out of their lungs. He wants to frame Seokjin’s happy face, to record his laughter and make it his alarm tone so he can hear it first thing in the morning.
Soon they reach the bottom. The high ends as quickly as it began, and for a moment Jungkook wonders whether Seokjin is drunk. They collapse against a wall and sit awash in bright white light raining down from the ceiling.
“You okay?” Seokjin straightens his back. He squeezes the back of Jungkook’s neck, making Jungkook groan in satisfaction.
“Yeah. Yeah, thanks.”
“Your neck hurts. You never told us.”
Jungkook reaches up to grab at his neck, only to be met with Seokjin’s warm hand kneading his skin, soothing out the sprain. “It happened recently, I guess. I spent way too much time bent over books.”
“Well, you are the smartest one of our group. Wouldn’t be you if you didn’t study hard.”
“Sometimes I wonder if it was even worth it.”
“What do you mean? I think intelligence is attractive.”
“I never lived life the way we were supposed to. I never had experiences everybody else our age has. Did you see them upstairs? They were having the time of their lives,” Jungkook quietly says, muffling a moan that threatens to slip out when Seokjin hits a particularly sensitive spot. “They are happy with their lives, Seokjin. Even though they didn’t earn any acceptance letters from universities based on their merit. High school is supposed to be the best years of our lives, and I spent all of it not associating with anyone or learning a useful hobby or… or doing anything productive for that matter. What is going to be the significance of my college degree when I’m eighty years old and dying?”
“Jungkook, you really need to stop beating yourself up for the choices you made. Besides, our lives are just beginning, so trust me when I say you haven’t missed out on anything. You worked hard all this time, so hard, much harder than any of us. You’re going to do great in the future too, whether or not the course you pursue in college is what you end up taking up as an occupation later on or not. And what is this nonsense about not associating with anybody?” Seokjin shifts to wrap his arms around Jungkook, which leaves Jungkook’s heart ecstatic. They’ve never been like this before. “You have me, you have Jimin and Taehyung and Hoseok. You have Namjoon and Yoongi. You have all of us. We became friends, right? We’ve had a lot of fun together these past few years.”
Jungkook is very, very grateful for that. He feels guilty for letting thoughts of what he didn’t have overshadow what he did have. He hums along to everything Seokjin reminds him of, and from time to time lets out a giggle as they reminisce over good times.
“Do you remember how in winters we used to have lunch outside our classroom to get as much sunshine as we could? Or how none of us ever had enough pocket money to buy anything decent from the canteen, so we always pooled in whatever we had and shared it in seven equal pieces? Do you remember how we spent countless nights at each other’s houses just because everyone’s presence was more comforting than familiar walls, or how you and I used to wait at the bus stop together in the mornings, and over the years began to reach earlier and earlier just so we could talk a bit more? I hope you do, Jungkook. And I hope that’s what you’ll remember of high school when you’re eighty years old.”
Jungkook smiles feebly at Seokjin. He’s reassured at Seokjin’s kind words and once again realises just how fond he is of this boy, and how he will never get used to the feeling of being tongue tied in front of him. He is thankful for the security guard’s intervention at that moment who quietly asks the two to leave the building. It gives him more time to think of a fitting reply, but Seokjin beats him to it as they stroll hand in hand down the road.
“So… I assume you’ve already been admitted to that uni we wanted to go to.”
“Yeah, I have,” Jungkook admits under his breath. He hopes Seokjin doesn’t ask why he didn’t tell anyone before. Seokjin had applied too, long ago, back when most people hadn’t even given a thought to what they wanted to study further. He feels like he’s putting salt over a wound by acknowledging the fact. “I’m moving tomorrow. Or to be precise, today, in the afternoon.”
“So… This may have been our last night with each other?”
“I guess so, yeah.”
“There’s something I need to ask you then.”
“Before that, there’s something I need to get off my chest.”
“What is it?”
“I-It’s embarrassing,” Jungkook stutters on his words and Seokjin can’t help cracking an amused smile.
“Don’t worry. You won’t be here for me to tease you for it soon enough.”
Expression suddenly darkening, Jungkook stops in his tracks. “You go first.”
“Okay. Remember that one profile picture you had for months?”
Looking back, it was almost certain in Jungkook’s mind when he first mustered up the courage to click the photograph sneakily, let alone actually setting it as his profile picture on the only form of social media he used, that one day someone would ask. Of course they would want to know whose shoulder did the resident nerd rest his head onto, who was it that let him do it, and why they looked so fucking cute together.
“We should sit down,” is all Jungkook says. Seokjin nods and they head over to the nearest bus stop that comes into view. They can both see the tension visibly hanging in the air.
“So… Am I finally going to be informed of the identity of who it is that was lucky enough to be loved by Jeon Jungkook?”
Blushing, Jungkook recalls how Seokjin had voiced long ago that the photo was the absolute sweetest, and teased Jungkook for having a secret crush. Jungkook hadn’t denied it at the time. “Are you making fun of me?”
“Of course not,” Seokjin replies sincerely. “I just want to know. And no cryptic hints this time, Jungkook, I swear. We can tell each other anything and everything, right?”
“Fine. Let’s make this a game of twenty questions. You ask me whatever you want about him and I’ll reply with yes or no.”
“It’s a boy, huh?”
“Yes.”
Seokjin jumped up in his seat, clearly flustered. “Hey, that wasn’t a question! I was thinking to myself. Shit. Did I waste one opportunity just like that?”
“Yes, sir, you did it again.”
“Jungkook!”
“Yes?”
“Do I know him?”
“You do very well.”
“Well, is he handsome?”
“The most handsome,” Jungkook replies. “He has the kind of face you’d want to stare at for eternity.”
“Huh, alright then.” Looking down, Seokjin examines his fingernails while pondering on what to ask next. “Does he have a nice laugh? Does he make you laugh?”
“Of course he does. Everyday.”
“Is he tall?”
“Mm. A little bit taller than I am.”
“Does he cry while watching movies? Hey, don’t laug— I need to make sure he’s a good person! Good people have emotions,” Seokjin defends his stance. It had rained that evening, a little before the party began, so the earth around them smells as fresh as ever. It fills them both with hope for the future.
“Yes.”
“Does he talk a lot?”
Jungkook gets a dreamy look in his eyes. He swears he melts when Seokjin rambles on about random things. “Yeah. Yeah, he does. Once he starts talking, I can’t help listening. He has the most pleasant voice I’ve ever heard. I wish he could sing me to sleep every night.”
“Aw, look at you! So in love. So, uh,” Seokjin’s face heats up as he continues, “do his ears turn red when he gets embarrassed?”
And Jungkook, heart thudding wildly, cannot keep from wondering out loud, “Why are you describing yourself?”
“Why does this guy resemble me in every way?” Seokjin counters.
“Because it’s you, you fool.”
“Oh. Oh, is that so?”
“I was waiting for you to realise it since the day I took the photograph,” Jungkook says quietly. He had waited patiently for Seokjin to recognise their silhouettes at the bus stop, especially since both of them towered over most people and how their frames were so distinct. However, wishful thinking never led to fantasies coming true. Instead Seokjin ended up assuming that Jungkook had a moon-sized crush on someone else.
“Is that what you wanted to tell me back there?”
Jungkook nods, unsure of how the remainder of the night and the day ahead would turn out like upon this revelation.
“Because I like you too, you know.”
Mouth dropping open, Jungkook scoffs in disbelief. This must be a cruel joke too good to be true. “You never told me.”
“Well, you didn’t either, did you?” Seokjin sits up straight and crosses his arms in front of himself, proud like a cat.
“I did just now, didn’t I?”
“I did too! And I have a valid reason not to do it all this while. I thought you liked someone else. You should have have been clearer since the beginning. Was I supposed to magically receive the message?”
“We’re... We’re idiots, both of us. Here we are on my last night of being in this shitty city, confessing while knowing we will probably never see each other again.”
“Ah, about that…” Seokjin begins, but falters when he senses Jungkook’s mood slipping down the hill. Jungkook had waited until tonight so that Seokjin’s rejection would not hurt. If only he knew the truth, he could have pushed the fear of his feelings not being reciprocated long, long ago and had a wonderful time with the person he liked.
On an impulse, he says, “Can I kiss you once? Please.” Emotions always strained Jungkook’s vocal cords, making his voice hoarse and hard to get out, and he sees Seokjin’s eyes turning softer than ever at his request.
Even in moments of apparent hopelessness, Seokjin tries to keep up a smile. He takes Jungkook’s hands in his own and cradles them in their perennial warmth. “Of course, you can. The correct word to use here would be ‘may’, because certainly you can kiss me if you want to, right? In fact, I’d love it.”
“Shut up.” Jungkook cracks a smile through his tears and Seokjin can’t refrain from laughing at his expression.
“I want to be cheesy here and say ‘make me’ but considering the fact that you took three years to confess your undying love and affection for me I think I’ll have to take on the responsibility of initiating it, huh?”
“You’re insufferable.” Huffing playfully, Jungkook punches Seokjin’s shoulder. “Why do I even like you?”
“Because I’m the most handsome man you’ve ever laid eyes on, I have a cute laugh that in turn makes you laugh. In addition, I’m tall—just tall enough that I could kiss your tiny nose without tiptoeing—oh and I cry with you while watching mov... Hey, you really gotta stop looking so moony while I’m talking, you look so adorable that I forget what I’m trying to say.”
“Sorry. I’m just wondering how I’m gonna get used to you not being around. Even if… Even if I hadn’t told you about my feelings, I would have missed you just as much. I’m gonna miss you and the guys so fucking much,” he splutters out before tears well up in his eyes. They fall slowly, one by one, and Seokjin can’t help but smile sadly at the boy in front of him.
He says, “Well, you won’t have to, Jungkookie. At least you won’t miss me.”
“W-What do you mean?”
“I got accepted in the same university as you last December.”
“Oh my God, really?” A grin literally explodes on Jungkook’s face, with how fast his cheeks lift up and obstruct the tears from rolling down his face. “Why didn’t you tell any of us that you got early admission? That… That’s so great. Seokjin, I’m so proud of you.” He moves closer to Seokjin and for the first time wraps his arms around Seokjin’s waist.
“You were all busy preparing for exams and waiting for your final results to come out before you started applying, so I didn’t have the heart to go bragging about my admission when all my friends were working so hard,” Seokjin sighs into Jungkook’s shoulder blades. It sends shivers down Jungkook’s back and he shuffles closer to Seokjin.
The bus service halted soon after the party took off. Even though it is only one o’clock in the morning, Jungkook feels like the party was a lifetime ago. He shuts his eyes and tries to breathe in Seokjin’s comforting scent. It feels different up close. It smells like pleasant experiences and happiness.
A little later, after being all warmed up, Jungkook lets go and looks up Seokjin. He says, “You have the biggest heart in this world, did you know that?”
“Big enough for you to fit in, I hope,” Seokjin cocks his head to the side, smirking.
“Looks like I was always in there.”
“Yeah. Yeah you were.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Jungkook. Here’s to the future,” Seokjin murmurs and leans forward to press his lips against Jungkook’s.