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Why did the Bat Signal always get activated at the least convenient times? Bruce had been smackdab in the middle of wrapping Dick’s Christmas present when he glanced out the window of Wayne Manor and noticed the yellow beacon in the night sky.
Alfred poked his head in the doorway. “Master Bruce, the-”
“I know, Alfred,” Bruce grumpily dismissed, already heading for the doorway towards the Batcave.
Stepping aside to make room, Alfred looked after Bruce as he dashed down the lengthy hallway. “Would you like for me to keep Master Dick away from this room until you can finish wrapping his present?”
“Don’t let the kid anywhere near it! It’s his special present!” Bruce called back frantically. The last thing he wanted was to spoil the surprise for his son; he’d gotten him the exact extravagant toy set he’d asked for. ‘Cause he was an awesome dad and also Bruce freakin’ Wayne, so he could afford it!
Winking after Bruce, Alfred innocently asked, “What present?” and discreetly closed the door.
Knowing he could trust Alfred, Bruce doubled his efforts to get to the Batcave. He nearly got tangled up in some dangling tinsel among the Manor’s extensive Christmas decorations, but he used his patented, super-awesome ninja skills to escape the holiday trap. Man, he was cool!
Rushing through putting on his cowl and outfit, Bruce, now officially Batman, practically divebombed into the seat of the Batmobile upon descending into the cave. He slammed on the accelerator and was off in a flash of black and fire trails. Whatever was going down in Gotham, he’d get there with time to spare. After all, seatbelts and speed limits didn’t apply to Batman, and without those slowing him down, he’d catch crime blindsided.
“’Puter!” Batman called, his phone blinking to life in its holder. “Call Barb!”
“On it, sir,” Siri replied, sounding a dial tone as his call went out.
“Uh…Batman?” Barbara’s confused voice crackled over the speakers. “Do you know how late it is?”
“Hey, Barb!” Batman greeted, swerving to avoid another car slowly puttering along in front of him. “Don’t worry about it, I’m just about to get into the city! Whatever it is, you can thank me later.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The Bat Signal. You activated the Bat Signal ‘cause there’s some crime in progress and Gotham City needs its kickbutt vigilante to swoop in and save the day.”
“The Bat Signal…?” Barbara trailed off. She could be heard shifting about on the other end of the line. “Oh, I…I see it. How did I miss that?” she hissed out.
“You forgot you pressed the button?” Chuckling to himself, Batman teased, “Jeez, Barb, you’ve only been police chief for less than a year and you’re already going senile. Took your dad a lot longer than that.”
“Batman. I didn’t activate the Bat Signal.”
The Batmobile swerved again, this time entirely to the fault of its surprised driver. “What?”
Before Batman could fully process that, a green and purple blur appeared directly ahead of him. Stomping hard on the breaks, Batman’s eyes went wide as his vehicle screeched to a halt, stopping feet in front of the figure on the empty city roadside.
“Batman?” Barbara’s concerned voice filled the car. “Is everything alright?”
“…I’m gonna have to call you back, Barb,” Batman replied, tapping the screen of his phone and dropping the call.
Groaning inwardly, Batman steeled himself and exited the Batmobile. Standing right in front of it was his self-proclaimed greatest enemy, the Joker. Dangling from one of his pale, white hands was the button for activating the Bat Signal.
“There you are, Bats!” Joker excitedly greeted, waving daintily at him.
“Joker, this has got to be one of your stupidest plots yet,” Batman criticized. “Whatever villainous thing you’re up to, your Bat Signal drew me right to it!” Taking on a combat stance, he challenged, “So, we gonna fight, or what?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bats,” Joker calmed. “I’m not here to fight! Quite the contrary, actually.” He strolled closer, waving those obnoxiously huge coattails of his the whole way. “I’m not up to anything evil tonight! Aside from borrowing the Bat Signal.” The supervillain placed said Bat Signal button in Batman’s gloved hand. “I only needed it because I couldn’t figure out how else to get you out here. I tried calling your roommate all day and he wouldn’t pick up!”
So that’s what those unknown numbers calling Bruce’s phone all morning had been about. He felt all the better that he had opted to ignore them.
Staring at the button in confusion, Batman shook his head and shoved it into a compartment in his belt. “Well then what are you up to?”
“Me? I’m not up to anything…” Joker innocently insisted, putting on his signature giant eyes and smiling a wide, toothy smirk. “Other than delivering a surprise!”
Joker whipped around, rummaging with something in his coat’s pockets. Batman pulled a batarang out of his belt with learned efficiency, holding it above his head and ready to swing at a moment’s notice.
Giggling maniacally to himself, Joker excitedly muttered, “Oh, you’re never gonna see this coming, Bats!” Spinning around with his arms outstretched, he cried, “Merry Christmas, Batman!”
That was about the last thing Batman expected to hear from the Joker’s mouth. Blinking a few times, he stared in utter confusion at the flat, square wrapped present in the Joker’s hands. Sluggishly lowering his batarang, Batman stared blankly at the colorful box, which was wrapped in purple paper with an extravagant green bow.
“I…” Words were failing Batman, which really sucked because he prided himself on his charisma, even when dealing with villains. After a momentary silence, he managed, “What.”
Smile twitching, Joker repeated, “I said…Merry Christmas, Batman!” He extended the present further, shaking it in Batman’s face.
“Is…this…for me?” Batman pieced together, finally getting his words in order.
“Uh…duh?” Joker pressed the gift further into Batman’s face, nudging it against his cowl.
Grunting in annoyance, Batman reached up and put a hand on the present to still it, pulling it out of the way so he could see. “You got…a present…for me.”
Nodding like an overeager puppy, Joker forcibly shoved the present into Batman’s hands, sending the forgotten batarang clattering to the sidewalk below.
“…Why?”
Faltering and taking a step back, Joker frowned slightly. “Because you’re my greatest enemy? We confessed our undying hatred for each other, remember? In front of that picturesque sunrise? And all of Gotham?” He cradled his own face in his hands and shut his eyes as he reminisced. “Oh, I still remember every word you said to me. I don’t think I could forget if I wanted to!”
Oh right, that. Though Batman would never admit it save for in the deepest, darkest crevices of his brain, that memory held a special place of importance for him as well. Among a lot of other things, it had solidified his and the Joker’s status as greatest enemies.
“Do…greatest enemies give each other presents?” Batman wondered aloud, because really, he didn’t know. He was totally unfamiliar with many of the formalities of having a greatest enemy, even months after he’d accepted Joker as his.
“Of course!” Joker replied. “And since this is our first year as official greatest enemies, I figured this would be a great opportunity to start a tradition.”
“It’s not even Christmas yet!” Batman objected, grappling to find something, anything, that would indicate Joker was up to no good. There’s no way he would have gone through the trouble of summoning him just to give him a present!
“I figured you’d wanna spend Christmas with that new…’bat-family’ of yours or whatever you call it, with that adorable kid, and your old butler man, and your platonic work friend, and your billionaire roommate…” Joker shook his head as he got back on track to his original point. “And I wanted to surprise you! You know me, I’m full of surprises!”
Staring down at the present and properly examining it for the first time, Batman squinted in suspicion. It looked like a perfectly ordinary present, but you could never be too sure with the Joker. “How do I know there isn’t a bomb in here? Or like, I dunno, a pie on a spring or something that’ll ruin my suit? I just got this dry-cleaned!”
Placing an affronted hand to his chest, Joker gasped overdramatically. “Why, Batsy! You think I would do something like that? So close to Christmas?” Pointing vaguely between Batman’s utility belt and cowl, he suggested, “Scan it with one of your bat gadgets! It’s clean, I swear on my criminal record!”
Though that didn’t serve to reassure Batman in the slightest, he did tap on the side of his cowl to activate its scanner. As he looked down at the present and scanned over it, he couldn’t see anything dangerous held within. Trying to get a better look at what was really contained in the flat box, his eyes widened in surprise. It was a CD case with a disc inside, though he couldn’t make out the label. He didn’t even know anyone still used CDs…
A box popped up on the scanner screen boasting the results of “NO DANGEROUS RESIDUE DETECTED.” Sighing and deactivating his cowl, he looked back up at the Joker, refusing to relent.
“Well, I’m sure this goes against the superhero code or something,” Batman scrambled for an excuse. “No accepting presents from villains! I’m sure that’s in there somewhere…” he trailed off weakly.
“Bats, lighten up!” Joker playfully pleaded. “It’s Christmas!” Smirking, he added, “And besides, since when have you followed any code but your own?”
Dang it, Joker had him there. Leaning his head back and releasing a long groan of annoyance skyward, Batman conceded, “Alright, fine, I’ll open it.”
Joker let out, of all things, a squeal, and rested his chin on his hands like they were a table. He blinked rapidly, staring at Batman with those adorable eyes he’d learned to utilize. Though Batman maintained a pretense of annoyance, he really was curious about the gift. What kind of CD would the Joker even get him?
Pulling off the bow and ripping the paper off in one clean sweep, Batman gasped when he saw the cover of the CD case he knew was inside. It was…the soundtrack for Serendipity. He’d been looking for this for ages, but evidently, they were completely off the market. It turned out there were some things even Bruce Wayne’s wealth couldn’t obtain.
“Do you like it?” Joker expectantly asked. “You do, I can see it in your eyes! You love it!”
“Where…did you find this?” Batman asked, staring at the CD in a trance.
“Eh, I bought it when it came out years ago, but it wasn’t really my thing. You on the other hand...” he pointed a finger right into Batman’s chest, drawing the vigilante back to the present moment. “I know for a fact that you love that movie! It held a special place of honor among all your DVDs in Bruce Wayne’s mansion!”
Batman still couldn’t believe it. This was…awesome. Exactly what he’d wanted for Christmas, actually. As much as he loved his own heavy metal rapping sick beats, he could only listen to those so many times on repeat in the Batmobile before he needed something fresh. This is precisely what he’d had in mind…
Which made no sense. Weren’t you supposed to get your greatest enemy something they wouldn’t like? Isn’t that the point of being enemies? What had Joker meant by this? And most importantly of all, why did his relationship with Joker have to be so dang complicated? Batman had thought that finally setting things straight between them and putting a label on their relationship after they’d saved Gotham would make this easier, but so far, it had only served to make things even more difficult.
Was he supposed to say something hateful to Joker? Was he supposed to express his genuine gratitude for this gift? There were so many questions and feelings swirling around in his head all at once, and that couldn’t be right because Batman only felt pure rage with an occasional allowance for softer feelings when it came to his family, but there was no allowance for softer feelings when it came to Joker so why were those exact feelings for Joker suddenly cropping up way more than they were supposed to-
“Now, where’s mine?”
Joker’s giddy voice broke through the storm in Batman’s head. It took him a few seconds for Joker’s words to register.
“Y-yours?” Batman stuttered out.
“Yes, mine!” Joker confirmed. “My present! I got one for you, so…”
Wait…not only had Joker bought a gift for Batman, evidently from what depths of purity for some reason existed in the supervillain’s heart, but he expected one in return? Batman was frozen in place. He actually felt genuinely bad that he didn’t have anything to give the clown. After all, this gesture, even if it was from his greatest enemy, was…though he loathed the word, touching. And dang it, there went those feelings again, surging up as they had no right to!
Snorting and trying to hold back laughter, Joker let loose with a loud cackle. “Just kidding! You should’ve seen the look on your face!”
The clown reached over and pinched one of Batman’s cheeks, shaking it about and roughly releasing it. Stumbling backwards a few steps and still reeling from all those incessant feelings, Batman rubbed at his cheek and glared at his enemy.
“It’s sweet of you to have the decency to worry about that,” Joker continued, “but you wouldn’t have known to bring a present for me tonight; this was a surprise, after all!” He suddenly turned more serious. “I am expecting one on Christmas day, though. I’m sure you already have something in mind, so that shouldn’t be a problem!” He waved a dismissive hand, batting his eyes.
“Um…yeah, totally,” Batman lied. “Gotta…gotta get the greatest present for my greatest enemy, right?”
“That’s the holiday spirit!” Joker cheered. “Anyways, enjoy your present. It’s been lovely, Batsy, but I need to be getting back. Harley said something about a ‘Christmas gathering for villains’ going on tonight. No nefarious activity, just holiday fun, so don’t bother crashing it!” Straightening out his tie, Joker bowed to Batman and popped back up like a jack-in-the-box. “Perhaps we should meet up outside of our fights like this more often!”
That was when everything officially came tumbling down in Batman’s brain. Joker stood up on his tippy-toes, leaned over, and planted a kiss on Batman’s exposed cheek. The clown prankster giggled to himself before prancing off into the night, lost to the underbelly of Gotham City.
There. Were. No. Words. Batman couldn’t say anything or move anywhere, which left the Joker free to frolic without pursuit. The vigilante knew it was technically his duty to investigate a villainous gathering, whether it was truly just for holiday fun or not, but that was one of his most miniscule concerns at that moment.
His arm eventually thawed and he was able to bring his hand up to the cheek that Joker had kissed. He rubbed at it, still staring after the clown into the darkness, and forced himself to look at his fingers. Just as he’d feared, red lipstick was all over the fingertips of his gloves. Crap, he definitely had to find a way to clean that off before he got home, or else Alfred was going to be asking a lot of questions he didn’t have answers to.
It may have been minutes or hours that Batman spent on that roadside, trying to figure out what the heck had just happened, and more importantly, what it meant. Somewhere along the line, he managed to bury all of that, at least temporarily, and forced himself to climb back inside of the Batmobile. He was hardly even aware of himself as he automatically opened his new CD case and took out the disc.
Staring long and hard at Joker’s gift to him, Batman grunted something and put it in his rarely-used CD player. Looks like he was in for more Christmas shopping. What kind of present would a clown want anyways?
Thus ends the twentieth day of Christmas.