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Jesse liked Christmas.
He hadn’t always though. As a kid, he couldn’t recall it being a happy time, and in Deadlock? Well, Christmas just didn’t exist. It had been just another day he had to get through, another day that had reminded him how alone he really was. Abandoned, with no family or traditions to hold on to.
However, with Blackwatch it was different. It wasn’t that Christmas in its original form meant that much really, as far as he knew no one from the team were particularly religious (except from when they were praying not to die on a mission, Jesse being no exception). But it was their only day off together. No drug cartels to be taken down, no witnesses to be extracted, no assassinations to be carried out. Everyone at Blackwatch came together on this one holiday, laid aside differences they might have, past arguments forgotten for at least 12 hours. They were each other’s family, and it just became much more evident when they sat together having Christmas dinner, handing over small gifts and Christmas cards as they discussed things that were not related to their work.
This Christmas was no different. There was an abundance of food, large amounts of alcohol, more than thrice the number of gifts as there were people, and just like every Christmas before, Jesse was still harboring a crush on his commander, Gabriel Reyes.
It was so very cliché really.
Young boy running from his past ends up in a gang. He shoots and steals and lies himself through the early stages of his teenage life. Young man running from a gang ends up in a top-secret government approved organization. He shoots and steals and lies himself through the early stages of his adult life, and gets paid for it. Stupid man running from his feelings all his life ends up shooting, stealing and lying himself right into a big old crush on the one person he has no business crushing on.
In the everyday life of Blackwatch it was manageable. He could go a few days without having to see or at least talk to Gabe. And when he had to, he’d developed methods to get the conversation over with as quickly as possible. It wasn’t that he didn’t like to talk to Gabe, on the contrary he liked it very much; too much. So much so that he knew he had to limit their contact, so he did his best to catch Gabe in pressured situations, where there was only time for short and precise conversation.
It just… made things easier.
But at Christmas, it was different.
At Christmas, it was at least twelve hours of a relaxed Gabriel Reyes right in front of him; an accessible Gabriel Reyes. Twelve full hours of Jesse pining after him, trying to avoid letting himself get too comfortable around him. And this Christmas was shaping up to be exactly the same as always.
*
Jesse had had more than his fair share of Smith’s home brewed spirits (no one from the team had been able to agree of what kind it was exactly, resulting in numerous test tastings) and it was just past midnight. He’d excused himself to the roof, muttered some excuse about going looking for Santa, both Mendoza and Webb had shot him a look he had chosen to ignore. He wasn’t quite sure how they’d found out, but apparently it was no secret to them how he felt about Gabe.
Maybe he had told them last Christmas.
Or the one before that.
Or at another occasion where he’d gotten too drunk, gotten too personal, and far too emotional.
As soon as he had escaped and was alone, he lit a cigarette, watching as the smoke and his warm breath swirled in the wind. He tried not to think about Gabe. It was a lost cause. There was no point thinking about it; no point dwelling on it.
“You’re a fool McCree,” he mumbled to himself.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
The voice of Gabriel Reyes was unmistakable.
Jesse choked on the smoke in his lungs, but managed to keep his coughing to a minimum, quickly wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Evenin’ sir,” he said as he regained control of his breathing, shooting a quick glance in Gabe’s direction, “came up here looking for Santa too?”
Gabriel chuckled and shook his head as he lit up a cigarette, taking a slow drag.
“No, I actually …,” Gabriel started, casually leaning on the railing next to him, his arm brushing against Jesse’s “I actually came looking for you.”
“And why’s that, sir?” Jesse asked before he even got a chance to consider his words. He could tell that Gabe was looking at him, but he didn’t dare turn his head and look back. This was all a little bit too intimate; too up close and personal. He’d left the party downstairs to get away from him, not to get one-on-one time.
“Well I … I heard this rumor going around the team,” Gabriel took another drag of his cigarette, “A rumor that you like me, Jesse.”
Jesse froze, and for a few seconds his mind went completely blank. He needed this conversation to end soon, before he said something stupid, or worse, did something stupid.
“You know what those guys are like, sir, pretty sure they’d say anythin’ to make you leave the room for just a few minutes,” Jesse tried, forcing a laugh as he tried to calm his shaking hands. From the corner of his eye he could see Gabe nodding slowly.
“Yeah, yeah that’s most certainly true, but…” Gabe started, flicking his cigarette to one side before he ran his hand over his facial hair with a thoughtful expression on his face. “But... this is not a new rumor, Jesse.”
“Ah.”
He’d had way too much alcohol to try and sort this out. Maybe after all it was for the better, to just get it out there. Maybe, with a bit of luck, it would even pass. Maybe it was one of those things that once you’d said it, it didn’t feel as powerful anymore. Maybe that was the case, but it most likely was not.
He pushed away from the railing, away from Gabe and the lingering question. This wasn’t the way he had imagined things playing out, in fact he hadn’t imagined them playing out in any way, not for a long time.
“Jesse?”
“It’s … it’s not that simple Gabe, I’m … you’re my superior. I can’t just admit to these things, there are consequences and rules and … and what if you don’t,” Jesse sighed and gestured at nothing, “And it might just be nothing, what if it’s just … just a crush that I’ve nursed into this massive thing. What if I told you, confessed, and then it turned out to be just a … a dream I’d build in my head. What if you said no. What if you laughed.”
What if you confessed back Jesse wanted to say, but didn’t.
He stood like that for a while, his back turned to Gabe, in silence.
Waiting.
“So?” Gabe said after what felt like an eternity.
And Jesse had to turn around, had to look back at Gabe. See him in his ugly Christmas sweater, eyes a bit shiny from the booze, a small smile on his lips.
“So yeah,” he said with determination, watching Gabe’s face carefully, “Yeah I do. I really like you Gabe. More than I’m supposed to. More than I want to adm-“
He was cut off as Gabriel moved forward and pressed his lips on his. It felt better than he had even dared to imagine, rougher somehow, but so very easy to get lost in. He couldn’t help running his fingers through Gabe’s short hair, holding on to him like his life depended on it. And as Gabriel coaxed his mouth open, licking into it, he practically saw stars.
Was this really happening?
Ever so slowly he tried to pull away, but he couldn’t stop himself. Every time he tried to stop, he found himself kissing Gabe wherever his lips could reach, peppering kisses over his face as he still tried to process what was happening, every kiss making the reality set in just a little bit more. He was here with Gabe; he was kissing Gabe. It wasn’t a dream; it was real.
“Why… why now, Gabe?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper, “if you’ve known for this long, why didn’t you talk to me?”
Gabe shook his head and laughed, leaning forward to place a kiss on Jesse’s neck.
“I thought the team were joking, taking me for a ride, you know? I thought there was no way a guy like you could like an old fool like me,” Gabe said, trailing kisses further up Jesse’s neck and along his jaw, ending at the corner of his mouth, “Wasn’t until Webb cornered me not fifteen minutes ago that I understood it hadn’t been a joke when they’d told me last Christmas.”
“I’m sorry Gabe, I should have … should have done something,” Jesse mumbled, bringing their mouths together again. He could tell Gabriel tried to answer, but his words were instantly lost in the kiss.
Jesse couldn’t help but smile into it, sighing with happiness. He really did like Christmas, and this year it had turned out even better than he ever could have hoped for.