Chapter Text
1
He found out first; not in so many words, but he did.
He hasn't known me for long, but he loves me enough to know when the tears in my eyes are not just a byproduct of stress.
The clinic lights go off, there's the ringing of the final bells of the day, the honking of the vehicles, and the sounds of little kids talking a little too loudly.
It makes me shudder.
He's dressed in a pale grey checkered shirt, roughly three sizes too large for him, and sweatpants so loose that his skinny frame is far from being apparent even the slightest bit. He's just walking on the road by himself, a jam-packed road filled with people rushing around at 10pm, and he's so stupid, an idiot, for sure.
I sure do love idiots.
He doesn't question it; he's too busy beaming, long fingers wrapped around my wrist as he calls my name again. It echoes in my head while I watch the glittering shine in his dark irises, free from contact lenses.
And his hand is so warm wrapped around mine, his smile even more welcoming, and I'm crying, tears streaming down my cheek and it's the day I find out that tears of hurt feels just as cold as the reason of that hurt feels like.
He was always a blessing for me, but today, Kim Taehyung's smile is not just a curse; but a calamity.
>
Taehyung is warm, gentle, full of childish curiosity. He's filled with the soothing feeling like hot cocoa feels on a cold day, the way shorts provide comfort on a blazing summer afternoon. He's bubbly and merry, and this was one day where I wished he wasn't.
He doesn't question it.
He talks about his day between milkshake-stained lips and cheeks puffed up with marshmallows, and he only pauses when he realises that the sandwich he'd ordered for me remain untouched even after he's done with his two servings of extra fries.
"What's wrong?"
There was a point where he'd ask me that, I knew, and I had been waiting.
"I want to go home."
Taehyung blinks. Once. Thrice. Ten times, before he nods, hair fluffing up and down as he does so. He offers to take my untouched food to the counter to get packed for take-out, and he's linking his arm with mine as he announces that he'll walk me home.
There are fewer people on the street now, more people seated outside the convenience stores, eating ramyeon... And Taehyung's presence today out of all other days make more tears form.
He doesn't question it.
The apartment is in a good neighbourhood. The building is filled with students who enjoy staying up till ungodly hours, simply to read. To read research papers, scientific journals, and essays by philosophers.
A studious neighbourhood.
It's eerily quiet. The sound of crickets chirping make my stomach feel like it might hurl any second, and Taehyung still has a smile on. He's seen my tears but gives a blind eye because he knows me enough to knows I'd hate being queried at a time like this.
And it's endearing, the way he waits to follow me inside when I reach for my keys... But his smile fades when I put the keys back into my pocket, and then look up at him.
And then.
He finally questions it.
When he hears me say words I wasn't even halfway sure I meant, in the first place.
"Taehyung-ah, we need to break up."
His face remains unfazed for moments that feel like they're ticking in slow motion; or maybe he really did take his time with a response, because a crooked smile forms as he laughs nervously.
"Haha... You need to stop joking; there's a limit to pranking."
And that feels like a pain that gets deeper and deeper, like how it feels when you accidentally stub your toe on a foot of a large desk.
There was the chance to deny and go with his words, but it is entirely because I loved him with every fibre of my being, that I force myself to shake my head.
"I'm not joking." It comes out as a whisper, voice barely audible but he hears. He hears, because...
I'm his world, after all.
"Why?"
"I'm sorry, Taehyung-ah."
And it felt like my heart was glass that wasn't a victim of being broken into a billion pieces; but glass that keeps on getting tiny crack after crack, the pain continuing constantly, always leaving me with something to feel melancholy over.
And there's the way his eyes darken, clouding a little when it begins to shine; not because he's seen something so beautiful, but because there's tears threatening to fall which he tried to hold because he's a man, and Taehyung's a man who had ego, after all.
"Why?" He questions again.
"Don't make this harder." My voice comes out hoarse, stuttering even though there's such a small exchange of words, and yet I feel like choking, crying at the corner while he wraps himself around me.
He.
Continues.
To.
Question.
It.
And then, he says my name. His voice comes out as a whisper, a low baritone filled with a force large enough to constrict my heart and make fresher tears stream down my face.
"Ahn Chaeyeon-ah, I can't leave you if you don't give me a valid reason, and you know that."
And it's painful, the way his lips move to say my name, pausing at every syllable, and I have to avert my gaze and take in a lungful of air to control the sobs that are threatening to choke out.
"Goodbye, Taehyung-ah, I'm so sorry."
He's always been respectful, never forcing himself on me, letting everything fall to place on its own, naturally. And yet, today, there's a foot that blocks my feeble attempt in closing the door, hands pressing onto the doorpost while his panic turns into a glare.
"No."
"Taehyung-ah, Taehyung-ah, stop it..."
"There has to be a reason, you wouldn't leave just like that... I know you..."
I've never been good at lying, anyways.
"Don't touch me." I say, no longer pressing against the door. Making my way inside and going into my room, I realise then, that Taehyung feels stupid for having waited until I lock myself in my room.
"Chaeyeon-ah... Open this door."
"I'm so sorry, Taehyungie."
I love you, I want to say. But the way his nickname slips out so effortlessly makes me tear up again, and there's a lot of knocking and text messages and calls which I force myself to ignore.
He questions it.
He doesn't want to give up.
But he's left with no choice, because two hours with no reply makes his figure slump out from my apartment, hand rubbing on his face and pulling out a face mask he never bothered with until then.
And it pains me to see him walk away, his feet dragging across the pavement, and that's when I start to question myself.
It is because I love Taehyung, that I have to do this.
2
Kang Chaerin sits, tapping her desk, and there's visible annoyance in her dark eyes, ones that go wide as soon as I step foot inside the office headquarters.
"Chaeyeon-ah! Why did you turn your phone off last night, I was so worried ab- Oh." She pauses, eyes widening when I place my files inside my cubicle and turn to glance at her.
"Hi, Rin-ah," I greet, and my best friend follows me to the coffeemaker, her eyes glued to my face while I take a packet of creamer from the small desk drawer.
The coffee feels as bitter as my heart feels, and it makes me smile a little, knowing I wasn't the worst case out there. Rin continues blinking and follows me when I put my coffee on the cup holder and place it on my desk.
"Did you talk to Taetae yet?" She asks, her voice a little small all of a sudden.
It's horrible. It's horrible, the way my heart swells when I hear his name, and I wonder how I would get past the rest of my life, if I get so affected by something as simple as his name.
"We broke up," I say tentatively, taking another sip of my coffee and glancing at the to-do list. I internally thank Mr. Han for the light schedule today, ignoring the low gasp that escapes from between her lips. It takes every ounce of energy that I have to look back at her eyes, and I can see panic bubbling in her eyes...
She was just like Taehyung. It hurts.
"But... Chae-ah, you told me... At the clinic... Then why? Did he dump you? That jerk, I'll kill him-"
"No!" My voice is defensive, high pitched, and loud enough for the employees present to turn their heads towards us. Embarrassment makes me duck my head while I pretend to sip my coffee, but Rin does not hear the end of my argument.
"Then why? Why did you break up? Don't tell me you guys are taking a break until you-"
"Kang Chaerin-ah, I broke up with Taehyung because I will never, ever ruin his career this way."
There's silence that follows, and Rin continues to blink in utter shock at my face, and I see that there's a little barrette on the left side of her short hair, one that matched her white blouse and brown pencil skirt; courtesy of the Han Corporation's dress code. She stays silent for so long that I feel as if her words are over for the day, and I proceed to pile the files according to priority when she mumbles my name.
"But, what about...Chaeyeon-ah, you can't just keep him in the dark about this. He has the right to know, if anything. It's up to him whether he wants to go on with the relationship, and I know he loves you enough to-"
"And that's exactly why I can't do this, Rin-ah. Please understand me. I know he won't leave me. But these are two lives - one if I can get rid of it in my next appointment - and I'm not going to ruin his life along with the rest of Bangtan's, and crush all of their fans' respect, like this."
Rin's face softens, and it's painful to see the way more tears form in her eyes while she nods and takes a step back.
"We're going to talk more about this later, Chae-ah. This is serious."
Mr. Han steps into the office right when Rin settles down at her desk, and I greet my boss with a smile which I was sure he could tell was forced and very much fake. If he noticed, he doesn't say anything, instead simply nodding and walking past my best friend who doesn't lift her head up.
I know it's serious, Rin, and that's exactly why I can't do this...
>
I've never been good at confrontations.
Park Jimin knew this about me well enough and yet he stands, blond hair covered with a big beanie and sunglasses that cover a huge fraction of his face. But I can tell it's him, it's his frame, his lips, and the way his lips turn upwards a little as a greeting.
And just as fast as the smile appears on his face, it's gone.
"Chaeyeon-ah, what happened with Taetae?" He asks, almost blank with no emotion.
I feel my stomach churning a little. I wasn't sure if the myths I had heard while growing up was true, but all I felt like at that moment was throwing up all the contents of my lunch; a lone turkey sandwich.
I felt pathetic ordering it, my head flooding with the thought of the male my heart pines for, and yet I ate it...and now, the same thing was threatening to ruin me, and I felt like crying when I see the visible confusion on Jimin's face.
"Taehyung did nothing wrong, Jimin-ah... It's my fault, we broke up," I try to explain. Jimin simply stares at me, there's a knowing look on his face while he glances at the buttons of the unbuttoned coat I have on. It was freezing outside, and I knew well enough that I looked suspicious for that but I felt like I was burning.
Was this another of those symptoms? I wonder, and Jimin takes his glasses off, points to a coffee shop a couple blocks away.
"Let's get something to eat and talk."
"No."
Jimin looks from the shop, back at my face, and there's even more confusion on his face now, eyebrows furrowing slightly; just like Taehyung had done last night. I feel like crying.
"Chaeyeon-ah... What's wrong? I know you wouldn't do this if something isn't wrong, I trust you like I trust Tae-"
"If you trust me, keep on with that trust and believe me when I say it's my fault... I'm so sorry, Jimin-ah, but I really have to go home. Taehyung and I have broken up, so I don't think we need to meet anymore. I will continue to support you guys either way."
If there was one word to describe Jimin's expression, it would be hurt.
The corner of his eyes begins to well up with tears, and I look down at my shoes when he presses a finger to his eyes to avoid the tears from streaming down his cheeks.
"I thought we were friends, Chaeyeon-ah... What's happening to you?"
"I'm so sorry, Jiminie."
It's hard to walk away when you feel like you may throw up any second, and it takes all my willpower to say goodbye to my dear friend; possibly for the final time ever.
"Chaeyeon-ah?" Jimin's voice makes me stop after I've taken a couple steps away, and his voice is faint, barely audible, "I hope one day, I'll see you like this on the streets, and you'd tell me what bothers you."
Jimin has always been selfless, that I knew, but I didn't learn the extent of those feelings he had, until today. And so I have to walk with faster strides because I start crying in the middle of the road, mind reeling and craving Taehyung's touch which I will never, ever be able to get.
3
The clinic walls are beige.
A lonely beige.
There's chartreuse writings in cursive, small, supportive messages to brighten the day of the hundreds of people who step inside.
But while I look at the 'Today may not be your day, but it might be tomorrow!' sign near the doctor's door, I feel my legs sting a little. The hallway is filled with the scent of disinfectant, one that makes me feel as if I might throw up any second now.
There aren't people here at ungodly hours of the night. Only sinners crawl out of their places of hiding and go out, desperate, on hours like this. There's a clock in front of me that ticks noisily with every passing second and it's the only noise that echoes in the hallway, irritating nonetheless.
The door is cream in color. There's a happy-face magnet attached to the front, right underneath the room number, and the way that expression contrasts with mine is why I try my hardest to blink back tears when the said door cracks open a little.
A short nurse steps outside, her little hat clipped onto the tap of her shoulder-length chocolate hair. She calls my name, and I exhale as much air as humanly possible before getting up and stepping inside. My doctor is a woman in her late twenties, her pale orange-tinted lips curved up into a big smile when she remembers me from a couple days ago.
"Chaeyeon-ah!" She greets, taking a glance at the form in front of her. "How's your pregnancy coming along?"
If I hadn't felt the weight of what was coming to fall on me before, I felt it right then. And I am close to tears again, but my ego would never let me cry in front of someone who had given me the kind of news I never, ever wanted to receive.
There's silence when I refuse to answer, and Dr. Juhye's smile softens a little before there's a sparkle in her eyes.
"Would you like to see your baby, Chaeyeon-ah? You're close to three months, so I can arrange for-"
"Dr. Juhye-ah, I would like to ask for an abortion."
The nurse inside had been holding a file in her clutches, but it falls down, papers flying around all over the floor. Dr. Juhye' s lips part open in utter shock, and I knew well enough that I had chosen a public clinic due to my lack of funds... So a response like that was to be expected.
"I just... I can't raise a kid yet. I'm 21, my boyfriend and I... parted ways recently. I can't possibly fund for-"
"We don't carry out abortions here, Chaeyeon-ah. We value the life that is now your responsibility... Maybe you can fill out the lone-parents forms from the president's office to seek financial aid, but...Please don't bring up something cruel like that....that's no different that killing a human being."
>
The bottles of soju sit on the wooden table, the cool perspiration dripping and forming a little puddle underneath them. They're waiting to be drunk from, and there's a horrifying pain in my head, one that begs to be knocked away. My phone continues lighting up with every text message I receive, and it's laughable, how good I am at avoiding every method of contact.
The year-long contract I had with Han Corporation expired a couple days ago, and I have four bottles of soju standing tall in front of me to celebrate the fact that I was a jobless college student.
One who had the responsibility of raising a child, not able to go home, and no friends that lived anywhere nearby.
The fact that the new semester starts on the following week makes me laugh at myself, taking the cap off from a bottle and taking a long sip. The liquid burns my throat, eyes shutting while trying to ease the discomfort, and I don't know which is more painful, the fact that my head feels not a single bit number than before, or the fact that the tears streaming down my cheeks sting more.
And yet it does, and more soju finds its way inside my system, and I wasn't sure how many bottles I had finished off before my head begins to throb so much that I have to lie down.
Whether it was an unconscious act or not, I wasn't sure, but when my hands rest on my abdomen, I find myself clutching a handful of my shirt between gritted teeth.
And in between hiccups and losing my consciousness, I give my first greeting to my 'unborn baby', as Dr. Juhye refers it to.
"I hate you."
>
"Hi Mom, I miss you too." My voice sounds like a lie, even to my own self. I can see my reflection from the mirror, and my hair's a mess, brown strands sticking up in mortifying manners thanks to all the days I hadn't bothered to get out of bed. The stack of instant ramen near the bedside table looks pitiful, unable to fulfil my hunger.
"If you miss me, you better come visit in your mid-term break," She says, voice full of familiar banter. At that moment, I crave nothing more than to wrap my arms around my mom and tell her about all that bothers me. And yet, I can't be a disappointment to her, not when she raised me into a good person.
"I can't, mom. Last year of college, coursework, you know the drill." It's a little sad, how easily the lies come out like that, I hated myself for the kind of person I was becoming; Jimin was right in wondering what was happening to me, and I hated how I had nothing to blame...
Except for myself.
"Well, whether you show up here for your holidays or not, your dad and I are going to fly out to Seoul for your graduation."
Nervous laughter fills the conversation from my side, and I feel like I am on my toes, waiting to come crashing down anytime soon. And yet, my mom speaks with such excitement in her voice that it begins to get harder and harder for me to keep lying to someone I love so much.
"Yeah Mom... I have an essay to write, so I'll hang up now."
"Good night, sweetie. Always be yourself, and take care."
The line dies with her words, and I put my smartphone away, head reeling at how hard what she said hits me.
Mom, who am I anymore?
My stomach rumbling and a sudden knock on the door come in unison, making me snap back up onto a sitting position. My shoulders ache a little while I get on my feet, desperate to get rid of the deafening noise.
Upon opening the door, I am greeted by a middle-aged woman with her brown hair tied to the back in a loose ponytail. It's a face I had been dreading to see, so when I see the cane in her hands, I realize that I am doomed.
"Honestly, I've been a little worried about you because you've looked sick as fuck the past couple weeks, but there's a limit to this, Chaeyeon-ah. Get your things and leave." She hisses, and I blink at her with wide eyes. As if on cue, familiar, slow music fills the room, courtesy of shuffle on my bluetooth speaker, and I can feel tears burning the corners of my eyes when I turn to glance at my room.
And even though it hurts my ego to admit it, my apartment looked like a mess, and if I was a landlord myself, I wouldn't want to give the place out to someone like me, either.
"You haven't paid the rent in three months."
"I'll pay next month, I sw-"
My sentence breaks when the woman lifts up her cane and slams it against the doorpost with what looks like every ounce of energy she had in her body.
"You said the same thing last month, get out before I hit you next."
The sound of the cane coming in contact with the weak wood echoes in my head while I take a step back, realising that there really wasn't anything I could do anymore. The woman takes a seat on the couch while she watches me take out my suitcase, taking my clothes out from the closet and piling my belongings inside. It felt a little more hurtful than the look Jimin had given me, and the fact that she continues looking makes me have to force myself not to cry while I lock the suitcase and turn to face her.
And it hurts my heart, the fact that a place I'd grown so fond of in the past four or so years, a place I'd made so many memories with Taehyung at, had to be left like that, and the woman doesn't even ask me to clean up the bottles of drinks and ramyeon cups I had left... As if getting me out of there as soon as she could was much better, as if she hated the very sight of me...
That was the day I learned that February nights are just as cold and lonely as wintry December evenings.
4
The first thing I see is a big smile.
It's kind of sad. It's kind of sad, when your sister stands in front of you, smiling when she sees you... And all you can do is to wrap your arm around her and start crying.
"Ch-Chaeyeon-ah? Hey... Chaeyeon-ah, what's wrong?" Panic is obvious in her voice, and she pulls me inside, and I find myself crying even harder at how warm the air in her apartment is, it felt like home.
Ahn Chaeyoung offers me a napkin and goes to prepare some coffee for me while I calm down. There are posters all over her room, the slight aroma of lavender combined with the smell of coffee beans gives me the strength to breathe properly, and watch my sister appear with two mugs in hand. Chaeyoung is careful about placing them carefully on the coffee table, and when she sees my suitcase and carry-on, she raises an eyebrow - a look that contrasts her soft features.
"Did you have to leave your apartment?"
"Yes." My voice comes a little muffled while I sip the drink, and when I look up, I see her tying up her blonde hair into a bun before she walks to the door and pulls my belongings inside.
"You can stay here. Did your contract with Han Corporation end?" She queries, blue eyes looking a little paler than I remember. She seems cautious, as if she knows that me having to leave my apartment is not reason enough for me to look so vulnerable.
"Yes."
"College starts next Monday... Is your coursework going well?"
"Nothing is wrong with college."
"Then... Taehyung?"
There wasn't anything I could hide from Chaeyoung. She may be two years older than me and currently attending graduate school and pursuing her dream of being a dietician, but... She's still the same person I played with in the sandbox, the first person I shared my secrets with, and that one person on Earth who could read me like an open book.
"I'm so sorry for being a disappointment, Chaeyoung-ah, but I can't raise a child..."
The sound of the radiator running is the only thing I hear, as I watch my sister's eyes turn even more dull, lips parting a little while she slowly sets her mug of coffee down on the table. I'm not sure if it's instinct, but she takes a cautious glance at my stomach, and I want to cry.
"Does... Where's Taehyung? Have you told him?"
"Taehyung isn't going to know. Don't tell Taehyung."
This seems to shock Chaeyoung even more than the fact that I was, in fact, pregnant in the first place. Her hand comes in contact with the coffee cup and it spills all over the table and the tiles, but she makes no motion of getting up to clean it.
"What? Why not? The baby is belongs to Taehyung as much as you-"
"But I don't want a baby that belongs to me!" I interrupt, my voice coming out higher pitched that I would have wanted it to. And even behind her black-rimmed glasses, I could see that her eyes fill up with tears when she realises what I might have done.
"So you... Broke up with Taehyung, left all your friends, stopped contacting me and mom because of this...? Chaeyeon-ah, you could have just called me..."
My sister's voice had never sounded so sad, ever, and I lose control of holding my tears in for any longer, and when she wraps her arms around me, I start to cry, and I think she did, too. I'm not too sure.
>
I am woken up by the continuous tapping on my face by my sister, and I feel my limbs ache when I sit up and glance at her.
"Chaeyeon-ah, I made you some sandwiches for breakfast, eat some okay? I'm going to the shower."
"Thank you."
"Your friend Rin kept calling you a lot. Your phone's out, by the charging socket near the couch in the living room. I didn't wake you up because I wanted to let you sleep as much as you could before classes." Her voice continues, about where I can find shampoo, towels, and how to turn on the radiator, up until she gets into the shower.
My head feels a lot better after I had rested enough and gotten away from all the alcohol in my system. Getting up on my feet, I walk out to the kitchen and take my phone. As Chaeyoung had mentioned, there were seven missed calls from my best friend, and I take a bite out of the tuna sandwich as I call her back.
"Chae-ah? I went to visit last night but your apartment is vacant now???" I am greeted with worry, and I sigh, glancing at the clock which reads ten past eight. There were two more hours before I would see Rin, and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want to wait till then to know what was going on.
"I couldn't pay the rent, so I got... kicked out."
"Oh... Chaeyeon-ah..." Her voice trails off for a bit, before she speaks again, louder this time. "I'm working at another place now and... We're looking for new employees, and I could give in a good name for you, if you want..."
"Honestly, Rin-ah, that would be such a big help... Chaeyoung is already having so much to deal what with grad school and paying the fees and the rent... It's the least I can do, if I stay here."
"I'm worried if it would affect your health, that's the only thing I'm worried about. I'm sure Chaeyoung understands..."
"Rin-ah."
"Yes?"
"I already told you. I don't care about my stupid baby, I just want it to leave me alone, it hurts, and I just... I know it's bad but that's all on my mind."
"Chaeyeon-ah.... You know how much Taehyung loves kids, right?"
And at that, my heart breaks, if not already; because I knew that well but having that said out was a reminder that I was a monster, even though I didn't want to be.
"He'll be so sad if you do something and get rid of the baby, Chaeyeon-ah, I just want you to think through-"
"He won't be sad if he doesn't know, Rin-ah. He's happy now, he's at his prime time, and Bangtan is getting more and more successful every passing day. How can I let him know about this and ruin his entire future?"
There is silence for a bit, and I wipe my face with my a sleeve before I take another bite out of my sandwich.
"...He loves you."
5
It takes me two months to start accepting what fate had for me.
Whenever I am changing, I still cringe when my gaze goes down to my abdomen. I start wearing loose clothes, coats even during warm sunny days, and when people question me, I don't respond.
I have nothing to say, this was Korea, after all...
The place where Rin and I work at is a coffee shop two blocks from Chaeyoung's apartment, and I feel a little better that I am able to contribute to paying for the rent and food.
Chaeyoung is barely home, spending most of the time at lab with her professors, always researching, and whenever she does come home, she looks defeated, too tired to do anything more than pat my head, get some coffee for herself, and sleep.
I was slowly starting to get used to Rin coming to the apartment with me after our shift, and she would make us food and keep me company while we did our homework.
Graduation was in a little over a month, and the two of us were occupied with our coursework... It was a way of me avoiding things until the last second, and it hurts a little when I have to ignore calls from my mom occasionally because I feel guilty of lying.
Two months did nothing to lessen the guilt after all...
"Chaeyeon-ah?"
The day was a warm April evening. Rin had an extra class so I was heading to work when I hear my name getting called out softly.
There were three people who I feared, would see me at my state.
My mom was one.
Taehyung was the other.
The third person stands in front of me, a bucket hat over his head, pale grey t-shirt and denim jeans enhancing his figure, and I freeze, because it's been so long...
It's been a long while, and yet, his voice is so warm, so much water has flown but he still sounds nice, and I feel my heart constrict a little while I watch Jimin pull down his face mask and show me a smile.
Don't smile at someone like me, Jimin-ah...
"Hello! It's been a while."
"Jimin-ah, why are you here?" I ask, trying to fight back tears. I hated crying in front of people, and Jimin was such an important person for me and that made being vulnerable in front of him feel even worse.
I have to turn around and start walking. Jimin doesn't repeat what he did the last time.
Instead, this time, he walks up beside me, face mask back on as he does.
"I waited for a while to give you time... I want to talk to you, Chaeyeon-ah. I'm worried about you and Tae-"
"Jiminie, why do you keep making this harder for me?" I ask, steps getting faster and my stomach throbs like crazy while Jimin increases his pace as well, to match mine.
"Because you're my friend, Chaeyeon-ah. Before anything else, you're my good friend... I've been busy so I couldn't drop by a little earlier, but I want you to tell me what's wrong."
It's one of the worst things in the world when someone you really care about is the reason why you have to cry, the reason why you have to hide your face from them, and cry a little more. And Jimin was stubborn like that, following me into the coffee shop and even taking a seat at one of the tables when I go behind the counter and try to ignore him.
And when I am forced to carry the drink he had ordered, for him, it baffles me that Jimin gives me a smile. How can someone be so sincere, to someone who was trying so hard to make him hate them?
And when I begin to walk away, Jimin takes hold of my coat - And I trust him enough to know that he didn't mean to do anything wrong - and only when he doesn't let go and continues to stare at my stomach do I realise why his eyes widen and lips part in utter shock.
"Ch....Chaeyeon-ah..."
"Jimin, let go!" I cry, earning a few glances from the rest of the customers around in the shop. My friend simply blinks, slipping down onto his seat, eyes not leaving me when I hurry back to the counter.
And my head continues to reel, because if Jimin left right then, he would tell Taehyung, and all the months I've suffered by myself would have gone to a waste.
When Rin comes in an hour later, Jimin is still sitting at the table, looking at everywhere, the ceiling, the frames around the shop, the food on the display...
Park Jimin wasn't going to leave.
>
"How long did you expect to hide this from Taehyungie, Chaeyeon-ah?" Jimin's voice is low, a little shaky, and he sinks his boots into the soil, swinging a little from where he sits beside me.
After I request a break, Jimin follows me and we walk to a park nearby, sitting on the swings in silence before he had finally spoken up.
"You haven't told him yet, right?" I ask cautiously, head reeling at just the thought of Taehyung reacting to the mess I created.
"I haven't, but he has to kn-"
"Jimin-ah, I'm actually begging you with my entire life on this. Please don't tell Taehyung."
The park is quiet - it's a little past six, it was dinner time around now - and I could hear the way Jimin's breathing starts accelerating a little. He has a defeated expression on his face, scrunched up, eyes small, lips pressed into a thin line, blinking continuously and I feel a little anxious and self-conscious when he furrows his eyebrow.
"I'm actually angry, Chaeyeon-ah. I don't get angry often, but I'm angry right now. That baby isn't only yours, it's Taehyungie's, too."
"Jimin-ah, what are your fans going to say? What will happen to Bangtan? You guys recently got nominated for a Billboard award... You guys are becoming famous worldwide... Do you want me to ruin it all for you?"
"...But Chaeyeon-ah..."
"There may be some fans that accept it, but... We're here in Korea... This is the kind of scandal that will ruin Taehyung's entire career in one go. He worked so hard for this, Jimin-ah.. How do I take that away from him when I was a fan who loved his voice, his acting, and everything that he was, way before we started dating and fell in love?"
"Chaeyeon-ah..."
"It's because I love him, that I have to do this, Jiminie... I can do it. Trust me. I've come this far, right? I mean..." I wasn't sure if I could tell him how much I hated what had happened, how much I loathed the baby, about how much alcohol and unhealthy food I eat, just to see if I could get rid of things...
It's sick, how inhumane I've become, but I didn't know what to blame, and...
"It's eating me alive, but I'm going to graduate soon so things will be better, Jimin-ah. Please trust me."
"You have to tell him."
"Jiminie, I just finished telling you why I can't tell him-"
"Maybe not now... I'd prefer you saying right now, but I know you enough to know you won't... And I want to respect you in that sense, but... I'm still against this. Chaeyeon-ah, you will have to tell him. Maybe a few years later, but you have to."
"Jimin-ah, for as long as Bangtan stays, I'm not telling him. And Bangtan's staying forever, and so is this secret."
"Seven years, Chaeyeon-ah. I'm giving you seven years. You need to agree that you will let Taehyungie know about this in seven years, or I'm going to tell Taehyungie right now." Jimin threatens, taking his smartphone out. And when he taps on Taehyung's contact, I understand that he isn't joking.
"Jiminie..."
"On the seventh birthday of you and Taehyung's baby, please come see us. Taehyungie isn't going to be angry at you for what happened, you know... He'll just be angry for the fact that you didn't tell him you were suffering."
There's silence between the two of us while I wipe away the tears streaming down my face, and Jimin puts away his smartphone and gets up.
"I trust you, Chaeyeon-ah. I trust that you will call me, that you will let me fund for the baby's needs, at least until the baby turns seven."
Jimin apologizes for having to leave, he looks like he's still in a daze, but he promises that he will keep this secret between us for now. And it's kind of painful that he trusts me so blindly, and I sit at the swing for a long time even after he leaves because now my heart hurts even more than my stomach does.
>>>