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Peter had no idea how to ask a question like this in a subtle way so he did it the Deadpool way, brutally straight forward.
„You wanna have Christmas dinner with my aunt and me?“
Ah yes, it sounded just as bad spoken out loud like as it did in his head.
„Why would you introduce me to a family member, did we get married in Las Vegas last night? If Elvis wasn't our clergy it's annuled anyway.“
„No, you fell asleep last night while watching 1000 ways to die, drooling all over the couch cushion.“
„Good thing I didn't drown in it or I'd have ended up on that show as well.“
„A real shame, so about that invitation-“ Keeping Wade on track of a conversation was often like driving a car with three tires and no steering wheel, a real street rodeo.
„Are you serious? You wanna bring me to some sacred family event? What you want your secretly rich aunt to get a heart attack upon seeing me and cash in the heritage so you can move into your own loft?“
„That's the sort of elaborated plan I'd never come up with myself. I love my aunt and she wants to meet you since we're living together and I might have told her that...you're a decent person.“ Understatement of the year. Since he'd only complained little about Wade being a slob and mostly talked about all the nice things he's done for him over the months he lived with him his aunt thought of him as Peter's personal savior. Maybe he'd sounded a bit too dreamy when he mentioned the stack of pancakes Wade sometimes prepared for him, with dissolving smiley faces out of syrup on top of it. The longer he replayed the conversations in his head the more domestic everything sounded. Like he wasn't living with a roommate but his boyfriend.
„That's either a huge exaggeration or understatement so I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted. You totally withhold the fact that I'm a mercenary didn't you?“
„Yes but she doesn't have to know about your job! Just don't bring any weapons or the suit and it'll be fine.“ Honestly Peter was a lot less worried about the impact of Wade's appearance on his aunt than the possibility that he might attempt to cut the turkey with his katanas. Aunt May was working at the hospital for as long as he could remember. Surely she'd seen badly scarred people before and was polite enough not to stare or comment on it.
„This already sounds like zero fun.“
„Well if you've other plans already I won't bully you into it.“
„Aw don't sulk, Spidey. If it means so much to you to have me as your plus one I'm gonna come.“
„Peachy, I'll let her know.“, Peter returned with a pleased little smile. He thought the annual duo-dinner really could use an addition. Like during those time when they got nostalgic, talking about the past and realizing that someone on their table was missing. The uncomfortable silence that followed didn't continue for long but it always put a damper on the cheerful atmosphere. Wade was just the right guy to distract one from sad thoughts when bringing up random topics and chatting non-stop. So yeah, Peter's invitation hadn't been completely selfless but it wasn't like he didn't want the mercenary to have a memorable Christmas Eve. After all he'd lived with him for long enough to notice his lack of guests. Due to his job he might not be very popular for good reasons, yet he wasn't slaying all day. One time he'd offered to leave the flat if Wade wanted to invite friends and have some alone time with them but the mercenary waved it off with the comment 'If I'm gonna invite blind Al she's gonna try to move back in and if I wanna see Weasel's sorry excuse for a face I'm just gonna visit his bar.' Peter refrained from pressing any further, although those nicknames raised at least five more questions in his head.
-
„This was a mistake, why did I agree to a fucking family event?“
[Because you have the hots for that spider]
You're gonna make a fool out of yourself. He only invited you out of pity, there's obviously no one else you'll hang out with on Christmas.
[But who doesn't enjoy an evening full of awkward small talk and silence? Go for it, follow your dreams!]
Stay home, get shitfaced with your friends egg and nog.
„Option #2 sounds way more compelling.“
[Backing out after you've already accepted Spidey's invitation? You're gonna break his fragile heart and the one of his granny.]
„Are you trying to guilt trip me??“
[Is it working?]
That would require having a conscience
„You know what, I'm gonna go and not because of guilt but because I want to! Snack on that you wet doormats.“
[Loud gasp]
-
It was December the 24th, close to 6 p.m. and Peter was anxiously waiting for the doorbell to ring. He'd planned to arrive at his aunt's place together with the guest of honor but Wade had wanted to meet up right there because he still had to get something, whatever that mysterious something was supposed to be. The small flat was smelling like turkey already and Peter's stomach grumbled what felt like every five minutes. If he weren't so busy walking trails into the carpet he'd squat in front of the oven and watch the bird's skin turn crispy. This was his favorite kind of Christmas movie but this year he couldn't enjoy it and it was all Wade's fault. Why was he wearing that Hello Kitty wristwatch if he didn't use it?
„Peter, just sit down with me, I haven't seen you this agitated since your homecoming.“, May tried to soothe her nephew, gesturing to the spot beside her own the cushion. The ridiculous thing was that Peter couldn't even explain why he was such a mess, it was just dinner. Well the most important one of the year but when it came down to it it was basically consuming food while having company so no big deal. He'd just about to follow his aunt's request and slouch onto the couch when a distinct chime rang out. „I got it!“ The statement was rather needless since his aunt surely wouldn't try to race him to the door, who only chuckled over his sprint and uttered something about the energetic youth. When he opened the door Wade hadn't even drawn back his finger from the bell yet. Damn, now appeared like the idiot who'd waited in front of the door the whole time.
„Hey~“, Peter made a weak attempt to regain some composure by greeting the other man super casually and definitely not out of breath. It seemed Wade had put on his best cloths, judging by the shirt he's wearing under a zip hoodie that had a black tie print on it. Very classy. That sight somehow helped the brunet to wind down and put a smile back on his lips. „Looking handsome, Mr. Wilson.“, he teased Wade good-naturedly but if he was honest with himself it wasn't even meant as a joke. A real suit would've been way over the top for a family dinner so this was a nice compromise.
„Ha ha aren't you a wisecracker, Mr Parker. I wouldn't talk big if I were the one wearing a sweater vest but then again you're a huge nerd so it suits you perfectly.“ Wade was never at loss of a witty comeback. Before they could continue to exchange any more backhanded compliments the mercenary revealed the reason for his delay. In one hand he held a small pot with a cactus in it. Of course it wasn't a normal cactus but the special Christmas edition with a small Santa hat and a pair of googly eyes that were staring right into Peter's soul.
„People are allergic to flowers but I've never heard of someone being allergic to a cactus, so it seemed like a save present.“, followed an explanation from Wade for his particular choice, which was actually a very thoughtful one. Peter like the smartass he was had to point out the flaw of his theory. „Save aside from the thousands of needles.“
„Crap, I'm gonna throw this health hazard away!“
„No, don't! It's cute, she's gonna love it.“, Peter was quick to backpedal before Wade's gift ended up in the dumpster. He hadn't expected for Wade to take his comment so seriously.
„...alright but if you aunt's blind at the end of the night it's your fault.“
„I can bear that heavy burden, now come in-“
„'Cause baby it's cold outside!“
„Nevermind.“ Peter pretended to close the door in Wade's face but then pulled it back open again and his guest inside with a light chuckle. He could hear the timer in the kitchen start to beep just in time with Wade's entrance. Waits until the mercenary had slipped out of his combat boots before leading him into the kitchen. Wade hesitated, unsure if he should really leave the small dimly lit hallway to step into the much brighter room connected to it. Suddenly their was a hand on his shoulder, grounding him and tugging him along.
„Aunt May this is my roomie Wade Wilson. Wade, meet my aunt.“, he was introduced to the elderly woman.
„Thanks for having me, I uh brought you a little something.“ Awkward wasn't an adjective Wade would associate himself with but right now he felt like an awkward sausage. He's holding out the cross-eyed cactus in front of him like a sacrificial offering. Aunt May seemed rather unfazed by the whole spectacle and accepted the gift with an amused smile.
„Oh how charming, thank you.“, she commented on the little plant abomination which quickly found it's place on the windowsill for everyone to see.
„Dinner's almost ready, sit down please~“
„I can help.“, Wade remarked because it seemed pretty rude letting the older woman serve them while they leaned back and filled their plates.
„It's fine but you can have the honor to cut the turkey.“
„Yeah, I can do that.“
That statement managed to give Peter a short war flashback to the day when Wade decided it would be a great idea to turn the fruit ninja app into a real game. Food was slashed, pieces landing everywhere and the kitchen reached a complete new level of messiness. The brunet send a silent prayer to whatever God that was currently listening that Wade wouldn't show off like this again tonight.
Turkey placed in the middle of the table with gravy, potatoes and a mixture of veggies surrounding it dinner was ready and May handed their guest a big knife and the fork. Peter unintentionally held his breath until the first skillfully cut slice of meat was places on his plate. He really needed to become more optimistic and always expect the worst outcome. So far everything went just fine, Wade and his aunt seemed to get along. In fact the mercenary turned out to be a real flatterer, praising his aunt's cooking skills after the first few bites and insisted that he was in love with the filling. Leave it to Wade to get all emotional over food. Not that Peter didn't enjoy the meal as well, he's digging into it until his stomach started to protest and resemble a Christmas ball. The gift unwrapping afterwards didn't take very long. Every year Peter and his aunt promised not to get each other anything but every year two presents were placed under the small Christmas tree.
This year Peter had gotten May a box with tea flowers, which started to bloom and enlarge once you sunk them in hot water and two transparent tea cups. In return his aunt had knitted him a red beanie with matching gloves out of the softest wool in existence. They shared a round of eggnog and afterwards everyone helped with the dish washing and drying while making light conversation. When aunt May asked for Wade's profession he simply deflected it with the reply that he was an independent business man, which wasn't even a lie. The voices had been surprisingly quiet during the evening and the mercenary felt pretty content and relaxed around his company. May hadn't once given him a pitying or repulsed look and talked to him like you would with any other sane person. It was nice pretending to be normal if only for one evening.
They stayed until it became obvious that May had troubles to keep her eyes open but in her defense it was close to midnight already. Peter hugged her goodbye and promised not to let too much time pass til his next visit. Wade thanked her inviting him and was momentarily stunned when May pulled him into an embrace as well. It took him a few second before he was able to return the gesture. „Don't be a stranger, Wade.“, she told him with a warm smile that the mercenary returned automatically. „Sure, you still owe that promised knitting lesson, I won't forget about that.“
Outside the cozy flat it was icy and Peter was quick to put his presents to use, pulling the beanie over his head as far as possible without blocking his view. He had no idea how Wade managed not to turn into a deep-frozen fish stick, only wearing his hoodie and shirt with no coat. „Tonight was nice...I mean there was a lack of action but a day without an adrenaline rush isn't too bad.“, Peter was the one to speak up first, slightly pulling up his shoulders.
„Your aunt is a real gem.“
It was Wade's way of agreeing with the brunet without making it too sappy. He's glad Peter had invited him, introduced him to his family and shared some precious moments. Unfortunately it had only confirmed his worry of slowly but steadily falling in love with the shapeshifter.