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Ever since Rey had discovered this bond she shared with Kylo she found it scared her just as much as it fascinated her. Even now that she was on board the Falcon with the remnants of the Resistance she was still scared of it. When he’d forced her to admit her parents had been nobodies she’d never felt more lost and alone, but his words fixed all that in an instant. “You’re nobody....but not to me.” The words still echoed in her head, safe and secure where no one could ever take them from her.
But Ben was still Kylo Ren.
She’d been so close to accepting his offer, she’d even begun to hold out her hand to take his but something stopped her, caused her to reach out in the Force and try to take the lightsaber instead. She still didn’t know what that something was, and very occasionally in the darkest recesses of her mind she regretted what she had done.
She’d closed the door on their Force bond when she’d left Crait. He’d looked up at her so pleadingly, on his knees for god’s sake. But she had felt so hurt and disappointed and angry and sad and Kylo was still Kylo and it had felt like the only choice.
At least she’d thought she’d closed the door.
Every night she would lie in her tiny bed on the Falcon, surrounded by the soft snores of Rose and Finn and three other Resistance members she still didn’t know the names of. She could sense the budding romance between Rose and Finn, the happy sparks that came to her occasionally through the Force. She had tried to block it, but had quickly realised she lacked the training to do so. Instead she merely had to endure it, heart aching somewhat at every burst of happiness.
But despite being surrounded by those that were on her side Rey felt more alone than ever. So she merely laid there, the torrent of thoughts that constantly swept around her mind finally calm and quiet, and like every other night, just before she fell asleep, that tiny precipice between consciousness and darkness she felt it. That spark; that tiny momentary connection that felt infinite in its depth. Though a moment was all she needed to feel the desperate sadness, to see the lonely figure lying next to her. He always looked the same, forlorn, eyes longing. Hand barely outstretched, fingers grasping at the space between them as he waited for her to reciprocate. She began to reach out, and just as her fingers touched his the moment passed, and the blackness of sleep consumed Rey.
Just as every other morning she woke with a feeling of vague emptiness, the memory of that single moment etched onto her retinas so clearly she could almost feel it. Those fingertips upon hers, his fingertips. And then she would look for the rest of him, only to find empty space.
It took her several slow moments to realise she was alone in the small sleeping quarters, but at that moment it was a million lightyears away from where she wanted to be at that moment. Another happy spark from Rose Rey didn’t dare to try and connect with Kylo in the waking hours, the idea of consciously seeing him again filled her with such apprehension she nearly felt sick. So she merely lay there, alone and all too aware that he was absent from her life. It may have looked like their fates were woven into the tapestry of the Force but they both felt more isolated and alone than they had ever before now they knew what they were missing.
Rey almost contemplated going back to sleep to try and get that momentary spark of connection back but she heard the softly commanding voice of Leia call out her name. It was time to rise, and then ensure that the day went as quickly as possible so she could collapse back into her bed and let herself feel his presence once again.
It was the only thing she looked forward to now.