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Having a certified padawan at such a young age never appealed to Obi-Wan. He’d seen many other Jedi take on padawans shortly after their knighthoods had been bestowed upon them, but to him it had always seemed like a child mentoring a child and, personally, he doesn’t know what he could offer at such a young age. There are other things he wants to do, steps to take to become his own person, his own Knight within the Order.
But then Qui-Gon had died and left Obi-Wan a knighthood and a youngling to look after, and all of Obi-Wan’s plans had been blown out of the water.
He hadn’t been given the same privileges a new knight receives. Instead of being offered a one room apartment in the vast temple quarters, he’d been shoved into a two bedroom apartment immediately with Anakin in tow. He’d been instructed to accompany Anakin to all training sessions as he wasn’t young enough to join the younglings but was too inexperienced to join the children his age without supervision. It meant that Obi-Wan was grounded for as long as it took to build up Anakin’s skills enough he could be left unsupervised with the other younglings.
But then Anakin had fought and been “unsuitable” for some of the masters to teach, so Obi-Wan was forced to essentially home school him, grounding them for longer. He wasn’t willing to agree to missions and take the young child with him, it was highly inappropriate and he's always thought so. That leading a child into obvious danger is clearly the wrong choice, and he knows Qui-Gon would be scowling from wherever he was.
So he’s stuck on Coruscant with a disastrous child and the inability to leave and start his knighthood journey as a proper Jedi would. That's also including the added trauma of having had his Master die in his arms, dealing with Anakin’s own trauma, and the realisation that there is another Sith out there waiting for the moment their defences slip just long enough to strike.
Resentment is not part of the Jedi Code, but Obi-Wan doesn’t think one could blame him if he does resent Anakin a little.
Unfortunately, Obi-Wan eventually realises that Anakin is more aware than he looks, much more intelligent than Obi-Wan thinks, and a thousand times more sensitive than Obi-Wan would’ve imagined.
The boys picks up on Obi-Wan’s behaviour. He tries hard to pretend like everything is okay, that this kid doesn’t deserve Obi-Wan’s scorn, but he knows that at times it seeps out of him like smoke. It’s all consuming, and if Obi-Wan had been more observant, more willing to look at Anakin and actually see the boy, then he would’ve realised that Anakin knew right from the first moment Obi-Wan dropped their bags in their apartment and turned his back on the boy.
It wouldn’t have come as a surprise if Obi-Wan had noticed. It’s just a quiet afternoon, they’re both sitting at the table with Obi-Wan staring off into space and Anakin tinkering with a bunch of gears and wires. He used to chatter away to Obi-Wan about it when they first moved in together, but really, Obi-Wan should’ve noticed when Anakin started to trail off with his words and then stopped altogether.
Really, Obi-Wan should’ve noticed so much more.
“Obi-Wan?” Anakin speaks up after a long time of silence. Obi-Wan feels his hackles raise a little, a fresh wave of anger coming over him at his peace and quiet being disturbed. It’s irrational of the highest order, and Obi-Wan knows that a grief left untouched and unseen manifests into this, yet he can’t think of a single thing to stop it.
“It’s Master, Anakin,” he grits out, glancing over at the boy, “we’ve been over this.”
Anakin looks cut to the quick, and Obi-Wan feels a nagging sense of guilt as the boy drops his head.
“Sorry, Master,” Anakin murmurs, his voice so quiet Obi-Wan can barely hear it. “I… I just…”
His inability to finish his sentence makes Obi-Wan’s fist tighten. He’s so angry, so irrational, but he can’t help it as he glares at Anakin with all the ferocity he feels inside him. “Spit it out, Anakin. What is on your mind?”
Anakin squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and raises his eyes to meet Obi-Wan’s with a sort of determination Obi-Wan hasn’t seen since Naboo.
“You blame me for Qui-Gon’s death, don’t you?”
The silence is deafening, thunderous in Obi-Wan’s ears as his blood runs cold, his hands fall slack, all the fight leaves him in such a massive rush that he feels boneless and older than his time.
He looks at this young boy, back ramrod straight and eyes full of fiery conviction. He doesn’t see bravery though, he sees fear and rejection and he wonders if that’s just what every slave ever felt like in the face of their master’s wrath and resentment.
Oh, how that ruins him, realising he’s been no better than that bastard Watto on Tatooine. How he’s treated Anakin no better than he had been before. How Anakin has been alone and scared in this foreign place with his own guilt seeping off him and Obi-Wan has been too busy wallowing in his own misery to realise that this boy needs him more than anything else.
He still feels the tendrils of anger and rage at Anakin in the back of his mind, the blame and resentfulness still aimed at this boy, but Obi-Wan knows that even though he may feel it he can’t hurt this child anymore than he already has been.
Obi-Wan stands up slowly, wincing internally as Anakin flinches and starts to edge off his seat like he is about to run. Yes, Obi-Wan thinks, he really has been no better than Watto.
He takes a few hesitant steps forward before he drops to one knee in front of Anakin’s chair and reaches up to put his hands on Anakin’s shoulders. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, he decides as he looks at those big worried eyes, it doesn’t matter what he feels or wishes to believe. What matters now is this boy. That’s the only thing that should matter.
Even though he’s still full of anger and rage, he pushes it all aside to force a smile and squeeze Anakin’s shoulders.
“No, Anakin,” he says quietly, “I could never blame you for his death.”
Anakin looks at him doubtfully, eyes narrow as he hunches his shoulders past Obi-Wan's hands. "No?" he asks, voice fragile.
Obi-Wan's chest squeezes painfully. "No," he repeats hoarsely, and Anakin searches his eyes for a long moment before he nods and gives Obi-Wan a brave smile.
They don't say anything more. Obi-Wan waits until Anakin starts to move before his hands slip from the boy's shoulders and he goes back to his own chair. He still can't bring himself to look at Anakin, this time because of the nauseating guilt whirling in his chest and creeping up his throat, and he swallows back that wretched feeling of knowing that he's failed Anakin. That he depends on Obi-Wan more than anyone else and he just let that go past him, just let Anakin retreat into himself.
But then quietly, Anakin starts to talk, his voice small in the large room but growing bigger as he glances at Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan forces himself to smile encouragingly. Anakin holds out the cog in his hands and starts to smile back as he talks about it, as his voice becomes elated and high as he shows Obi-Wan how the cog fits into the lump of parts sitting in front of them both, and Obi-Wan finds it hard to breathe.
Because it's the first time Obi-Wan ever lies to Anakin, and it sits like ash in his mouth.
…
The downside of a war, Obi-Wan realises after much too long of a time, is that sometimes when you win, you also lose.
You lose a lot.
He thought he might’ve noticed that after the first few battles when he’d walk the field and counted the bodies of all the clones. Most times Anakin would walk with him, quiet as he watched Obi-Wan take in their losses. Sometimes Anakin would gather the dog tags and hold them tightly in his fist, and Obi-Wan would hear the clinking of metal as they walked and his heart would falter with each one.
But it never hit home until the moment he’s running along the ruined path of a downed starship, Anakin hot on heels, not a single clone in sight, with the billowing smoke floating back in the wind to surround him.
He truly realises it when he holds Siri in his arms, her eyes wide and lifeless, her killer barely a foot away, and the Darkside roars inside of him like a tidal wave to drown him.
Nothing around him seems to matter once that happens. He feels lifeless himself when they trek back to their transport ship with Siri in his arms and Magus being dragged along behind them. Obi-Wan’s hands still yearn to reach out and impale the man with his lightsaber, he still wishes to see the light fade from Magus’s eyes as they had from hers.
He knows Anakin is watching him, knows that Anakin notices his flexing hands and white knuckles, his set jaw, his glassy eyes, and yet he chooses to ignore him. He can hear him whispering to Senator Amidala, can feel tendrils of fear flickering up his spine as he recognises that level of familiar intimacy between them, but he can’t focus past the overwhelming crushing feeling he has.
It’s no surprise when Anakin settles next to him in the cargo hold as they make way for Coruscant. Obi-Wan can’t bear to get up off the floor or look away from that head of blonde hair peeking out from under the white sheet, and neither can he bear to look at Anakin and see the sympathy no doubt etched upon his face.
“Master,” Anakin does eventually speak, and when Obi-Wan doesn’t reply he nudges Obi-Wan’s side with his elbow. “Obi-Wan,” he says more forcefully.
Obi-Wan swallows hard but still doesn’t look away from Siri. “Anakin,” he replies, his voice strange to his own ears. It sounds underused, dead, and he thinks that it’s representative really.
“Is there anything we… I can do for you?” Anakin asks. He sounds as if he’s talking to a wild animal, cautious and wary. Obi-Wan hates it.
“No.”
Anakin doesn’t say much more after that, just settles in by Obi-Wan’s with their shoulders pressed together. Obi-Wan tries to take comfort in it, the closeness part of him yearns for, but he finds that even the idea of that right now makes his stomach roll with sickness. He doesn’t move away though, whether for Anakin or himself, he doesn’t know.
The ship hums around them, the only noise in the room besides their breathing, and slowly Obi-Wan feels his shoulders droop and body relax. His brain is still firing a thousand parsecs per second, but physically he’s starting to feel the defeat of the moment.
“Did you love her?”
Anakin breaks the silence eventually, Obi-Wan knew he would, but it’s with such a sharp question that Obi-Wan almost feels his lungs collapse with his sudden intake of breath. He finally tears his eyes from Siri to stare at Anakin, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.
He wonders if Anakin is trying to be cruel, but he can see how curious Anakin is, how reluctant he seems and almost how ashamed he is at being unable to hold his tongue. It makes Obi-Wan’s lips almost quirk in a smile. After all these years, Anakin is still the searching young boy he first met on Tatooine.
Obi-Wan contemplates not answering, instead maybe just raising his voice and demanding Anakin to leave, but then that is an answer in itself. Anakin is not stupid, he can read people better than Obi-Wan can, and Obi-Wan is not willing to let Anakin take an assumed answer away from such a powerful question.
He looks back over at Siri, dwells briefly on her. He’ll never forget those blue eyes nor the way they'd lit him up inside every time she'd looked his way. He remembers the moment she first held her lightsaber, the purple glowing illuminating her face as she'd beamed with pride and joy. He remembers the moment she cut her hair right before leaving the Order, her blonde tresses falling past her set jaw and determined hands that still shook with every slice.
He remembers her compassion the time she held Talesan as he’d cried over the loss of his parents, the way her fingers had linked with his under their shared blanket, the heat of her forehead on his chest. He could never forget the hardness in her eyes when they agreed to reject their love and walk away from each other forever.
But then Obi-Wan thinks of how maybe Anakin thinks all of this about Senator Amidala. The boy has never been subtle, and while Obi-Wan has at times find it exasperating he’s also found it a blessing. He’s a walking contradiction of individuality and desperation for acceptance. Obi-Wan knows his answer isn’t just going to be about sating Anakin’s curiosity, but it will also affect everything Anakin does from now on.
So he looks at Siri long and hard. What they had? It wasn’t love. It was never love. Maybe a thirst for the forbidden, a curiosity for the unknown, a need for the attention. But it was never, ever, love.
That’s what he tells himself, that’s what he forces himself to believe. He gently takes the memory of Siri, stows it away somewhere deep and untouchable and whispers a quiet apology to her as he holds his head high and turns to Anakin.
“No,” he says, “I didn’t love her.”
The fall of Anakin’s face almost hurts more than the sting the lie leaves on his lips.
…
The thing about Jedi, is that at the end of the day they are still human. They spend hours having the code drilled into their minds, to not form attachments, to be solid and staunch in their lives.
Yet they are human.
Obi-Wan hates having the unofficial title of the Jedi ‘golden child’. Dex calls him that every time he walks into his diner, bellowing it loud enough that everyone turns to stare at him. It ruffles Obi-Wan and makes him flush, from anger or embarrassment is anyone’s guess, but he brushes it off knowing his friend doesn’t truly mean it.
But the council does. They accept him onto the council at an early age, assign him the rank of Master undeservingly, give him special meetings and leniency, all because he is the perfect Jedi.
He wants to scream that he isn’t. He knows he isn’t. His inappropriate latent feelings for his ex-padawan are enough proof, even if one doesn’t factor in every other person Obi-Wan has been tempted to leave the Order for.
That, that right there, is his ultimate downfall.
Anakin approaches him on the way back from Ryloth one time, perching beside him on the thin bar Obi-Wan is using as a seat and waits patiently for Obi-Wan to acknowledge him. The fact he’s waiting for Obi-Wan to make the first move makes Obi-Wan not only weary, but incredibly cautious. It’s never an easy question or favour Anakin has to ask in these situations.
He can’t ignore his old padawan though, that would be foolish and selfish, so Obi-Wan steals himself as he rolls his shoulders and turns to Anakin with a raised eyebrow.
“Anakin,” he says questioningly. Although when Anakin doesn’t reply he sighs softly and reaches out to touch Anakin’s arm. “What is it?”
Anakin fidgets for a moment, glancing away before he settles back on Obi-Wan and moves slightly closer. Obi-Wan feels nervous at the intensity that Anakin is regarding him with, but he doesn’t buckle. Anakin clearly needs him.
“Have you ever considered leaving the Order before?” Anakin eventually asks, the question sounding like it tears his throat as it comes out. Anakin’s eyes drop, he looks ashamed, and Obi-Wan burns with too many emotions to figure out as he watches Anakin wilt.
“Why?” It’s the first word that comes to his mouth. There’s so many more he could say, but firstly he needs to know.
Anakin shuffles his feet and takes a deep breath. A war rages on his face for all of a moment, long enough for Obi-Wan to see, and he sits up straight as he sets his jaw with determination.
“I’m in love,” he says, pure and crisp, and Obi-Wan feels his heart skip a momentary beat. “I’m in love and it’s consuming me. I… I don’t wish to be foolish enough to persevere with the Jedi Order if I’m so attached.”
Obi-Wan honestly feels speechless. “Anakin…” he murmurs, but he can’t find any other words. It seems Anakin takes that as a question though as his eyes turn fiery.
“I love them,” he insists. “They mean more to me than I could ever hope. They’ve been there for me…” he pauses and smiles softly, “since I was a boy. Since Tatooine. I’ve grown and become who I am because of them. I would do anything for them.” He gives Obi-Wan a pointed look, one that makes Obi-Wan feel like Anakin can see right through him. “Even leave the Order, if that’s what they want.”
Later, Obi-Wan will feel foolish for not hearing and seeing. Now he’s too consumed with jealousy as it tears through him like a hot knife.
He knows Anakin is speaking of Padme, knows it deep down and it hurts. If he weren’t already sitting he thinks his weak knees would’ve dropped him to the ground.
When he looks at Anakin he loves what he sees. A young man, grown from a scared child, so damn sincere about the universe that he makes Obi-Wan want to protect it singlehandedly just to make him happy. Obi-Wan gets what Anakin means when he says he loves Padme so much it consumes it.
After all, Anakin consumes him.
“I did once,” Obi-Wan finally says in reply, long after the silence has gone beyond contemplative to purely stale. Anakin looks at him in surprise, clearly not having expected an answer. “There was a girl on Melida/Daan. Cerasi.” He takes a shuddering breath, the memories raw from being untouched for so long, creeping out of that small place he keeps them with sharp claws that burrow into his sides. “I left the Order for her,” he admits quietly, feeling the anger and sorrow sit heavy on his tongue.
Anakin makes a small wounded noise, and Obi-Wan looks up to see him frowning with worried eyes. “Where is she now?” he asks, but it’s obvious he knows the answer.
“She died,” Obi-Wan says, the words leaving him breathless and he closes his eyes, regretting it as he sees Cerasi in his mind. Beautiful Cerasi, copper hair catching in the light as she'd laughed and laughed. “Shot by a sniper at the end of the Civil War. I returned to the Order with Qui-Gon afterwards and we never spoke of it.”
The silence is heavy enough that Obi-Wan feels like it’s pushing him through the floor. He thinks of Siri too in the silence, thinks of how he begged her to leave the Order with him. How close he was to convincing her to go, but she’d always seen the bigger picture, always known they wouldn’t have thrived together.
He almost tells Anakin, tells him how he almost caved the second time too, but he remembers the lie that had spilt from his lips when she’d died and the words crumble to ash on his tongue.
“And now?” Anakin asks quietly, looking at Obi-Wan earnestly. “Would you leave the Order now, if someone were to love you?”
Obi-Wan feels his heart come to a halt in his chest, feels the ache build as his eyes burn with sudden emotions that rip up his throat and leave a bad taste in his mouth. He remembers the copper girl dying in his arms, remembers the golden woman doing the same years later. He had pined, he had burned, and they had perished.
He thinks of Padme wrapping around Anakin on some sandy planet. Every emotion blends into one until only envy is rearing its ugly head.
Because he would, he knows he would if it were Anakin who loved him. He knows how Padme must feel, burning with love and desperation to leave this life behind for one with only Anakin. If Anakin were to love him and ask him to leave, there would not be a single thing standing in Obi-Wan’s way.
And that, he thinks, will always be his fatal flaw.
“No,” he lies bitterly, biting his lip so harshly he thinks he might break the skin. He watches Anakin deflate, his face pale and body crumple as whatever hope had been bouncing in his eyes disappears. “Love is not worth it, Anakin. It never lasts.”
The lie tastes bitter, and for a moment he can almost see two woman, one of copper and one of gold, watching him sadly over Anakin’s shoulder.
…
Inevitably, it happens. Obi-Wan can be as oblivious as he likes, but even that has boundaries when he’s aware of his own feelings.
Sometimes he looks at Anakin who sits close to him, often too close, and presses their sides together. Sometimes there’s a delicate eyelash flutter, a coy smile, gentle flirtation, and more times than not Obi-Wan brushes it aside as looking too closely at something that’s not there.
Those other times though, Obi-Wan entertains the thought of pressing back against Anakin, running his thumb over those eyelashes as he trails his hand down Anakin’s cheek, kissing that coy smile from his lips. His body yearns to comply, begs him to move, yet Obi-Wan holds his composure and determinedly keeps the space between them.
It crumbles in the most spectacular way. A wave of violence and horror, followed by dread and despair. They’ve never done anything without flair and drama, it’s their known reputation, and this is no different.
“I have a bad feeling about this,” Obi-Wan had said mere moments after stepping off the transport onto Felucia, his clones spreading out in front of him and mingling with Anakin’s 501st as they pair off into their separate scouting groups.
Anakin had merely scoffed at him, rolled his eyes and commented on how Obi-Wan always had bad feelings. He’d nudged Obi-Wan’s side as he’d walked past, making Obi-Wan’s heart swoop, before he’d disappeared in another direction after the split troops. Obi-Wan had wanted to follow, but he knew that he undoubtedly wouldn’t survive the cheek Anakin would give him.
But now, as Obi-Wan stands alone completely separated from the others with only Cody pressed to his back, he wonders if maybe in the future Anakin can take him a bit more seriously?
“How many do you think?” he mutters to Cody through gritted teeth, clenching his lightsaber as tightly as possible and assessing the advancing droids amongst the foliage.
“Too many,” Cody replies unhelpfully, his voice muffled by his mask but his shoulder pressed against Obi-Wan does reassure him that at least he’s not alone.
“And how far away do you estimate the others?”
“Too far.”
Obi-Wan huffs out an exasperated sigh before rolling his neck. He doesn’t favour their odds but he knows, despite being unable to verbally communicate through their bond, Anakin can still feel his tension seeping through it in desperation. Hopefully, he’ll be heading their way soon enough with reinforcements.
“Alright,” Obi-Wan grunts, “I guess we hold them off as long as we can then.”
Cody agrees, his voice rough and loud over the cocking and charging up of his rifle. His back moves against Obi-Wan’s as they both settle into battle positions, Cody aiming at the foliage line on his side while Obi-Wan readies his lightsaber.
The moment the blue laser activates the firearms start up, piercing the air as all droids open fire on them.
Obi-Wan immediately falls into the defence, desperately blocking and deflecting the lasers heading for them, praying that Cody’s dodging skills are still up to par. He can hear Cody’s rifle firing furiously, a steady vibration flowing through their connecting bodies as the backfire shudders along.
He can feel Anakin’s surprise through the link between them, and Obi-Wan forces open his side of their connection to push through as many feelings as he can. Tension, worry, fear. He layers it thick to get the attention he desperately needs and when he feels the determination coming back he feels utter relief.
It’s Cody’s cry of pain that pulls his attention from the link though, and Obi-Wan whirls around in time to see the clone drop to his knee, clutching his side and barely holding his rifle steady as a B2 hovers near on top of them.
Obi-Wan lets out a startled yelp and lunges forward. He knocks Cody back away from danger and neatly slices through the B2. It leaves his back open though, the droids he’d managed to keep at bay taking the opportunity to storm forward into their space now that its no longer defended.
Cody swears from where he’s sprawled, and Obi-Wan has time to grab him by the arm and sling it over his shoulder. Somehow, Cody manages to find his grip on his rifle and continues to blast the closing in droids. The muzzle is nearly pressed to their chests with how close they are. Obi-Wan swings wildly, slicing and shredding as much as possible as he takes shaky steps back.
“How bad?” he manages to ask, decapitating a B1 with ease before fending off another B2.
“Bad,” Cody wheezes, “in and out the other side.”
Obi-Wan forces himself to glance down and sees blood seeping out of the front and back of Cody’s armour. How the hell a laser managed to do that, he doesn’t know, but it doesn’t take long to figure out as he sees droidika starting to roll up.
Obi-Wan doesn’t swear, but it’s a near thing as he takes a deep breath and starts to haul ass towards the foliage line. Cody protests, angrily swearing himself, but Obi-Wan practically drags him with all the strength he has.
"Leave me," Cody yells over the chaos, and Obi-Wan swears as he tightens his hold.
“Just move,” Obi-Wan barks, dropping his lightsaber into his belt and grabbing the spare blaster that Cody keeps on his own. He fires blindly behind them, hearing the occasional crash of metal, and he desperately hopes that the droidika don’t follow. They can outrun B1 and B2’s if they’re lucky enough, but droidika will roll right over top of them.
Unsurprisingly he gets hit himself. He flounders as a laser hits his shoulder, tearing the flesh open, and skims his ear. The burst of warm blood on his neck is awful, makes Obi-Wan feel sick, but he rights himself. He has Cody to look after as well, Cody who he’s worried will turn into a pin cushion as another laser hits his arm.
“We need cover,” he gasps out, pain and adrenaline swelling his throat and making it hard to breathe. Cody grunts his assent, and raises his blaster to point at one of the not far off hills dotting the planet.
“They often have tunnels below them,” Cody says, “we could try-”
He cuts himself off as they hear the sound of rolling droidika. Obi-Wan’s pants worsen until he’s summing up as much Force as possible and ploughing it towards their speed. Using the Force like this is not his speciality, but the sheer terror of the situation must be enough incentive as they fly forward at a phenomenal speed.
The droidika are still behind them, albeit further now, but by the time they hit the hill and find a small tunnel entrance to squeeze into Obi-Wan can hear them approaching. He forces Cody through and follows quickly, wincing at every movement of his shoulder, before shoving Cody further down the tunnel. They find a diverging tunnel, smaller than the main, and somehow they manage to squeeze over the small rock wall into it. They slide to the floor, flattening themselves behind the rock wall, and Obi-Wan holds his breath at the sound of B1 droids making their own way down the main tunnel.
He glances at Cody, his eyes falling to the clone’s trembling hand over his severe wound, and Obi-Wan forces his eyes shut as he prays Anakin gets here soon. He’s too drained from the run to open the link again, the Force uncooperative now.
The droids stop right outside the entrance to their side-tunnel, muttering things to each other and into their comms. Obi-Wan hears Cody hold his breath as well, and Obi-Wan has to reach out to hold Cody’s forearm tightly to stop himself from panicking.
Eventually, despite how painstakingly long it takes, the droids move on. Their ‘negatives’ trail off further into the tunnels and Obi-Wan lets out a startlingly long exhale.
“Cody?” he whispers, squeezing Cody’s arm and hoping that the clone is alright. There’s silence for a long moment, long enough for Obi-Wan’s heart to swim up into his throat, before Cody groans.
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Cody grunts, struggling to sit up, and Obi-Wan hurries to help. His shoulder screams in protest, making him falter, but he’s determined to help as he uses his other side to carry some of Cody’s weight.
They’re almost to the entrance when Obi-Wan hears the sound of a lightsaber cutting through the air, and he unintentionally jostles Cody as he hurries along faster. Cody makes a snarky comment, something Obi-Wan ignores, but soon they’re out the tunnel entrance to see Anakin standing with a group of clones and a pile of droid scrap.
“Master,” Anakin cries upon seeing him, and Obi-Wan feels his whole body relax as two clones swoop towards them instantly.
He gives Cody over to them, squeezing his shoulder briefly as they lay him on the ground while Kix comes rushing over with his trusty bacta. Obi-Wan takes a deep breath of relief before he turns to the face Anakin, who is rapidly approaching with worry all over his face.
“Anakin, I’m okay,” he says instantly, hoping to fix some of that worry, but it doesn’t slow Anakin down as he stops barely a centimetre in front of him to cup the side of his face.
“What happened?” Anakin demands as he turns Obi-Wan head, making him hiss in pain as his shoulder pulls and the fresh air stings his wounded ear. “There’s so much blood.”
“I got shot, Anakin,” Obi-Wan mutters, reaching up to bat Anakin’s hand away. “It happens. I’ll be okay.”
Anakin is looking at him with wide eyes, clearly horrified still, and Obi-Wan frowns.
“You’re covered in it,” Anakin says quietly. “Half of your face, the side of your head. It looks so much worse.”
Obi-Wan smiles, reaching out to place his hand on Anakin’s upper arm. “Trust me,” he assures him. “Head wounds bleed more than they should. Never rely on them for the severity.”
It seems to appease Anakin, enough that Obi-Wan drops his hand and starts to turn to Kix, but Anakin catches his wrist and pulls him back around to face him.
Obi-Wan starts to protest, his shoulder and ear really are start to flare up, but whatever he was going to say is cut off by Anakin’s mouth firmly settling over his own.
It’s not perfect. It’s much too desperate and lacks finesse, but it’s not like Obi-Wan cares as hundreds of emotions course through him. There’s so many, more bad than good, but the sheer happiness overcomes them all as Obi-Wan falls into the kiss and moulds himself against Anakin.
He takes over. He’s not well-practised, not at all, but he calms the kiss down from fierce desperation to a gentle pace. His fingers slide into Anakin’s hair as Anakin’s wrap around his waist, tilting him back just slightly and making Obi-Wan angle his head back more to reach. It’s not enough to make him feel like a damsel, but it’s enough to make Obi-Wan feel safe and wanted.
Obi-Wan loses himself, taking everything he wants and giving as much back as Anakin craves. The world around them fades away, everything disappears as it narrows down to just Obi-Wan wrapped in Anakin’s arms with every forbidden bloody desire Obi-Wan has yearned for coming true.
But then Anakin’s arm moves just so to jar Obi-Wan enough that the pain rockets back through him and he’s moving away with a gasp and cry. It’s awful, pulling out of Anakin’s arms, but not as awful as the happiness dies away and all those negative emotions come swarming in with a vengeance.
“What was that?” Obi-Wan demands, his hand coming up to wrap around his shoulder as if to protect it. Symbolic, he thinks, as he feels his mental barriers slam down and his heart clam up.
Anakin stares at him blankly, eyes wide and lips swollen. Obi-Wan almost crows at the knowledge he did that, but it’s pushed aside by pure disgust for himself.
There’s so many things wrong with this, too many. He can’t help but think about everything that’s happened to him, all the losses he’s had, all of them his fault. He can’t let that happen to Anakin, he won’t. There’s nothing worse than the thought of Anakin dying in his arms, all that life and energy leaving him…
Obi-Wan feels sick to his stomach.
“But… Obi-Wan?” Anakin stumbles out, his face becoming one of confusion and Obi-Wan clamps down on the desire to sooth away the worry. He takes a step back instead, increasing the space between them.
“I don’t know what that was,” Obi-Wan snarks, watching Anakin flinch at his tone and god he hates himself for this, “but it will never happen again.”
“But, Master, I thought…”
Oh, Obi-Wan knows what he thought. He may be oblivious, but he’s not stupid. He can feel the throbbing link between them, feel the desperation and love flowing through from Anakin’s side. It matches his face, the confused hurt everywhere, and Obi-Wan can almost taste the tension between them in the air.
He opens the link a little, unable to resist the love pouring through, but the utter devotion he finds on the other side sends shivers down his spine. It’s consuming and all binding and Obi-Wan has felt that type of love before.
He’s felt love that is not pure, he knows this. The love for Siri was selfish and overwhelming, bubbling in him so much he felt like he may explode. His love for Cerasi was childish, mislead, so much so it blinded Obi-Wan.
When he touches the love Anakin pushes through the bond, it feels like that, feels like the love Obi-Wan felt for them both and he can’t stomach the thought that Anakin would be so selfish and blind.
But then… isn’t that hypocritical? Obi-Wan still hasn’t forgotten the waves of envy and possession he’d felt on the shuttle when Anakin spoke of leaving the Order.
Attachments, especially the obsessive, lead to the Dark Side, Obi-Wan knows. He knows it well, and when he looks at the love Anakin is showing he knows that it will not end well for them, no matter how Obi-Wan wishes for it to be otherwise.
They’re too desperate for each other, too much, and Obi-Wan can’t face the consequences of that.
“Anakin,” he finally chokes out, trying not to drown in all of the sorrow he feels, “you thought wrong.”
It’s the worst lie yet, like a solid punch to Obi-Wan’s gut that hurts more than his shoulder. But the look on Anakin’s face?
That’s so much worse.
…
The war rages on.
Eventually they’re split up. Obi-Wan knows the council has picked up on the tension between them. They’re still the dream team, the ones who work so well together it’s like they’re the same person, one cohesive unit. He knows that the Masters all insist on them staying together, to finish out the war.
But it’s Master Windu who separates them, sending Obi-Wan to Mandalore with a stern look. He knows, and Obi-Wan tries not to think about that too much.
Of course, Mandalore ends in disaster. Maul is back, Satine is dead, and Obi-Wan’s resilience takes more blows than he thought possible.
It’s in the room he'd been assigned in the Mandalore Palace that he allows himself to blow to pieces. He kneels in his room and throws all the contents around, destroying light fittings and wrenching up the sheets until they’re torn shreds. He lets the tears fall and his breaths come out in harsh gasps. Let’s the grief flow through him for everyone he’s lost. For Cerasi, for Siri, for Qui-Gon and Satine. But mostly he lets himself grieve for Anakin.
His hands are rubbed red from fabric burn, shards of glass litter the floor, and Obi-Wan slumps back against the bed and just cries. Pure anguish floods him and he doesn’t realise how strong it is until he can feel the slight push of curiosity and worry from the weak bond between himself and Anakin.
It takes him a while to close the bond, unable to find the strength. It’s enough time for Anakin’s worry to grow and the overwhelming concern is finally what gives Obi-Wan reason to slam it shut. He can’t let Anakin in, he won’t.
There are small tendrils of darkness crawling over his scalp, flirting with the corners of his mind, desperate to draw him down into a deep pit he knows he won't be able to crawl out of, and Obi-Wan is scared at how easy it would be to just relax back in the Darkside's embrace. It would be wonderful, he thinks, to just stop and give up and let go.
All of this because of Satine. This seduction of the darkness. He'd felt it before, moments after Cerasi collapsed with a wound in her chest, the second Qui-Gon's hand fell from his face, immediately after the light left Siri's eyes. Oh, yes, he's felt the darkness before but this time it's damn near consuming.
It makes him think of Anakin, and he dreads what would ever happen if he lost him.
Satine's funeral comes and goes, and Obi-Wan leaves for Coruscant with an ache in his heart. He's been called back to reunite with Anakin, the Dream Team needed to rescue the Chancellor, and Obi-Wan feels nervous and terrified all at once.
Thankfully he manages to avoid Anakin's questions. He gets searching looks, and Anakin even opens his mouth a few times, but Obi-Wan artfully dodges each moment and replaces it with plans and strategies for their mission. He doesn't think he can stomach his own thoughts, let alone all of Anakin's.
The whole rescue mission has Obi-Wan wrapped up in knots. He's terrified the moment he wakes up, unsure of what he'll see, but when he feels Anakin's warm body breathing beneath him he relaxes enough that he can focus again. He's torn though, constantly overthinking as he splits his attention between watching his own back and ensuring Anakin's continual safety.
It alarms him enough that he has to break away.
He manages to palm Anakin off afterwards. Sends him to the senators, knowingly sending him to Padme and the Chancellor. He keeps it professional when Anakin joins them on the council, refusing to make eye contact and keep his voice monotone when asked to speak. When he's asked to tell Anakin to spy on the Chancellor he delivers the order with cold indifference, refusing to acknowledge the betrayal in Anakin's eyes.
Eventually, though, he realizes he can't avoid Anakin forever. His old padawan is too headstrong, something Obi-Wan must take the blame for. He'd always tried his best with encouraging Anakin's individuality. Maybe that's what lead him into this mess?
Anakin catches him outside the landing pad of Obi-Wan's starfighter before he's due to leave for Utapau. He thought it would happen, and he stands facing the window taking deep breathes as Anakin approaches.
"You weren't going to say goodbye?" Anakin asks the moment he's beside Obi-Wan, breaking the safe cocoon of silence. Obi-Wan hesitates to answer, unsure if he even wants to.
"I didn't know if you were in the Temple or at the Senate," he answers. It's a half-truth at best, and he knows Anakin will jump on that with two hands and a lot of doubt.
"You could've used our bond," Anakin mutters, "maybe opened it for once and stopped trying to suffocate it. Maybe then you would've known."
He can't find a reply. He honestly struggles and eventually turns to look at Anakin with a potential apology on his lips. It's stopped though when he sees just how crushed Anakin actually looks, how tired and sad, and Obi-Wan feels a wave of anger at himself.
"Is it because of the kiss?" Anakin asks quietly, his words making Obi-Wan flinch. "I... Obi-Wan, I don't regret it. But if it will make you happy, if it'll make you open the bond, then I can try."
That guts him, destroys Obi-Wan. He almost smashes open the bond right then and there just to wipe the devastation from Anakin's face, but something in him holds strong and he steps back shakily.
"I'm sorry, Anakin," he finally says. "It's better this way."
"How?"
He can't elaborate, simply because he doesn't actually know the answer. It seems like this will be the better way. All of his Jedi training is telling him so. Severe the bond, end this thing between them, move on and continue to serve. It seems better.
"It's not about wants, Anakin," he sighs, "it's about needs." He doesn't say it's what they both want. Of course not. He couldn't possibly let Anakin have even the slightest bit of hope to work with. Were he to take Obi-Wan into his arms right now, Obi-Wan wouldn't be able to resist.
That cannot happen.
"I'm going to Utapau," he declares stiffly, straightening his back and fixing his eyes on a spot just over Anakin's shoulder. "General Grievous is there. You will stay here and continue to work with the Chancellor."
Anakin looks almost mutinous, his shoulders rising and eyes going wide, but then all at once he deflates. Obi-Wan is shocked to see it. He'd expected an argument, but he'd just seen the drive in Anakin disappear. It's frightening to see such a stubborn man give up so soon.
"And after that?" Anakin asks.
"After that..." Obi-Wan pauses and drops his gaze to actually look at Anakin. "If I survive," and he tries not to react to Anakin's flinch, "I will be sent to the outer rims to see over the end of the war and begin building peace treaties." He shifts on his feet, glancing away. "It could take years."
When Anakin doesn't reply, Obi-Wan turns back to look at him. He's staring at the floor, his hands balled into fists, his shoulders tense.
"I'm sorry, Anakin," he ends up apologising. He can't bring himself to touch him, unsure if he'll be able to resist going further. "This is how it must be."
He doesn't wait for a reply. He doesn't expect one. He takes one last look at Anakin, biting his lip to stop from saying more before he quietly turns on his heel and starts to walk away.
“I was speaking to Master Vos earlier, about you,” Anakin suddenly says, causing Obi-Wan to pause mid-step. He can’t decide whether to turn around or continue walking away, so he chooses the mid-ground and stays still.
Anakin doesn’t say anything else though, and the tension is so thick in the air that Obi-Wan struggles to breathe.
“And?” he eventually prompts, still with his back to Anakin, and he jumps when he feels Anakin suddenly standing right behind him.
“He told me some stories,” Anakin murmurs, close enough that Obi-Wan closes his eyes to hold back the shiver, “about Cerasi and Siri… and Satine.”
That gets Obi-Wan’s attention and he swings around to stare at Anakin. Anakin, whose eyes are hard as he looks down at him.
“He told me about how you met them,” Anakin continues, “about how they died and how you felt. I didn’t realise you loved Satine. I’m sorry.”
Obi-Wan can’t summon the words to deny it again, not as he stares at Anakin who looks so damn hard that Obi-Wan feels regret at causing this.
“Why did you not tell me?” Anakin asks, his hand reaching out and touching Obi-Wan’s arm. Obi-Wan can’t shrink away, his self-control unable to handle it as he leans into the touch. “About any of them? Why did you lie when I asked about Siri?”
“What I felt for her was… complicated, Anakin,” Obi-Wan finally chokes out. “It… it wasn’t…” He takes a deep breath, unable to finish the sentence as he drops his eyes. He can’t even find it in himself to address the other two, Cerasi and Satine. Satine is still fresh, her death recent. It burns like a fresh wound, and Cerasi is an old festered one he's never dealt with. Box it up and move on, Qui-Gon had taught him, and Obi-Wan burns with anger.
There’s silence between them, the tension still there but crumbling slowly along with Obi-Wan himself. His hand forms a fist as he tries to steady himself, unable to think past all the emotions clawing at his throat.
“Vos also told me something else,” Anakin says after what feels like hours, and Obi-Wan nods quietly. Of course, he did, Quinlan never did know when to shut up.
Anakin’s finger gently slides under Obi-Wan chin and forces him to look up. It makes Obi-Wan nervous but he can’t resist as he slowly meets Anakin’s eyes. They’re fiery and determined, and Obi-Wan’s heart aches.
“He told me you love me,” Anakin states, “that you’re a self-punishing fool who is so hurt that you could never admit it. But that you love me.”
Obi-Wan can’t find words. He feels stripped open and bare, like all his secrets are being dragged from his body and it kills him. He shakes his head mutely, unable to look away from Anakin.
“What happened to them, Obi-Wan, wasn’t your fault,” Anakin murmurs, looking so earnest that Obi-Wan almost believes him. "You cannot decide the fate of another."
“Anakin…” Obi-Wan starts to say, not sure what will follow, but he trails off as Anakin shakes his head and slides his hand from Obi-Wan's chin to his cheek.
“Listen to me,” Anakin insists, “you're not at fault. You haven't got some disastrous curse upon you that'll kill everyone you love-”
“Haven't I?” Obi-Wan cuts in, his eyes narrowing as he reaches up to pull Anakin's hand away from him. “How do you know that? Everyone I've ever loved has died, Anakin. Everyone. And what's more is they've all died in my arms. Tell me how that's not a curse?”
Anakin looks speechless before he shakes his head. “You don't. I know it.”
Obi-Wan lets out a bitter laugh. “Anakin, look at the history, my history,” he says morosely. “I’ve lost count of all the deaths. Even before the war the total was too damn high, and now?” He grits his teeth and takes a shaky step back, actively putting space between them. “I would not dare place you amongst that count.” He can't bear to look at Anakin, how defeated and lost he looks. It hurts so much.
But the self-loathing and Force-forsaken fear is too much to contend with, and Obi-Wan shoves every damn feeling he fucking has as far down as possible. Buries them deep and layers them with cold indifference.
“I have to go,” he ends up saying into the thick silence. “Utapau needs me.” He starts to turn around, his shoulders rolling back and holding his head high when he hears Anakin's quiet voice behind him.
“I need you,” Anakin says so gently that Obi-Wan almost misses it.
It makes his fists curl and his heart roar. Every fibre in him is screaming for him to turn around, to try, to just damn well try, yet his brain screeches back that he must go. Walk away. Leave behind Anakin and Anakin's feelings.
Obi-Wan's whole being is standing on a cliff, waiting for the final push, and Anakin delivers it with an astounding punch.
His hand snatches out and catches Obi-Wan's wrist, tight and secure, and his voice is so quiet yet thunders through the corridor.
“Tell me it’s true,” Anakin pleads, “tell me you love me. Please, Obi-Wan. Please.”
Those simple words crush everything left of Obi-Wan, and every memory of Cerasi, Siri, Qui-Gon, Satine come flashing back in a gut-wrenching and heartbreaking moment. Each one of them has left an open wound, festering beneath his skin and stinging at every mention.
It closes off whatever doubts were left.
“No,” he lies, “I don’t.”
It's the most blatant lie yet, it’s not even a convincing one, and Obi-Wan tries not to think about the burn Anakin's fingers leave on his wrist as the hand falls away.
…
The trip to Utapau is fast, too fast, and Obi-Wan spends the whole journey panicking over everything he said to Anakin.
Commander Cody sits beside him the whole time, the perfect picture of serenity. Back straight, helmet and blaster on his lap, eyes straight ahead. Obi-Wan has to bite his tongue a few times as he yearns to reach out and shake the clone. He doesn’t get how they can be this relaxed with General Grievous lurking at the other end of their journey.
“Permission to speak freely, General?” Cody eventually breaks the silence, causing Obi-Wan to startle and glance at him. He hasn’t broken eye contact with the overhead air duct.
“Of course,” he responds with a frown, “Always, Commander.”
Immediately, he sees Cody’s shoulders slump slightly as he turns to look at Obi-Wan. He fidgets at his stare, not use to being under the scrutiny of the Commander.
“No disrespect intended, General,” Cody says, “but you need to stop thinking so loudly. It’s unsettling.”
Obi-Wan’s mouth drops open of its own accord, and he near chokes on his own tongue. “I…” he starts to say, unsure of what to continue with, but Cody just quirks a small smile at him.
“Apologies, General,” Cody continues to speak, ignoring Obi-Wan’s spluttering, “but it is the truth. All of us can feel your tension.”
Obi-Wan glances around the hold to see the other clones nodding their heads. None of them meet his eyes though, and Obi-Wan sighs as he turns back to Cody.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, “there’s a lot on my mind.” He moves to stand up, not wanting to linger around the clones. He doesn’t need to rile them up before their mission. Fighting Grievous is going to be hard enough without having a miserable Jedi putting them on edge.
He’s not prepared for Cody to reach out and grab his arm, and he turns around to see Cody hesitating before speaking up.
“I know us clones were never created for our advice or emotional capacities,” Cody says stiltedly, but Obi-Wan can hear the implication in his tone, “but… we are good listeners.”
Cody doesn’t say much else, but Obi-Wan gets it. They were there on Felucia. They've been there since. He smiles tightly and reaches down to pat Cody’s hand gently. “Thank you, my friend,” he replies quietly, “maybe once this is all over I can take you up on that offer.”
Cody doesn’t break eye contact until Obi-Wan stands to leave the room. He takes a deep breath as he does though, trying to ignore the unpleasant nerves in his stomach.
Unsurprisingly, like so many things in Obi-Wan’s life, he doesn’t get to take Cody up on that offer. Grievous dominates his time, and Obi-Wan genuinely fears for his life as he fights his way around Utapau with the droid breathing down his neck the entire time. He refuses to include the clones though, not until he’s defeated Grievous at least. He can't afford any more deaths, no more blood on his hands because of his mistakes.
So he fights, and he’s scared, and everything comes crashing down on him when he’s clinging to the edge of the hanger with Grievous stalking his way forward. Everything he’s felt, everything he’s said, and for once Obi-Wan chooses not to lie to himself as he stares death in the face.
He knows it’s selfish that in this final moment he chooses to open the bond between Anakin and himself. It’s selfish, but he wants to feel the love that Anakin has for him. He wants to be encompassed in it when he’s finally struck down. He wants to not feel like a goddamn failure.
But when he opens the bond it's not love and devotion he feels on the other side, it’s pain and rage and all things Darkside, and Obi-Wan’s breath is taken right out of him.
Anakin, he calls through the bond, but there’s no response and Obi-Wan feels dread brewing in the pit of his stomach. He calls again, and again, but there’s no response from Anakin as the sheer anguish starts to channel through the bond and overwhelm Obi-Wan.
He slams it shut with a gasp and, when he glances up to the quickly approaching Grievous, he spots a blaster lying not far beyond the droid.
Grievous doesn’t anticipate the laser to his heart, and Obi-Wan doesn’t anticipate actually winning, but win he does and as the droid clutters to the floor and the clones swoop in to destroy the rest of the droid army, Obi-Wan hurtles himself over the edge and tears towards Cody.
“I need a ship,” he demands breathlessly, only noticing how much he’s trembling when he reaches out to grab Cody’s shoulder and he can’t control it. He can still feel the lingering pull of the Darkside creeping through him, the tendrils wrapping around his brain as they stream out of the bond between Anakin and himself. Obi-Wan curses that he broke the carefully constructed seal between them, the Darkside clearly finding the gaps to slip through and prey on his mind.
“General-”
“Your fastest ship, Cody,” Obi-Wan presses, shaking Cody harshly, causing the clone to drop his helmet with a sharp clatter. “Please, Cody, I need your help.”
Cody stares at him for a brief moment, his eyes wide, before he yanks up his wrist. “Fire up the ETA-2 for the General, now.”
Without a word, he reaches out and snags Obi-Wan’s shirt and tugs him towards one of the other hanger entrances. Obi-Wan doesn’t remember it to be the same direction his own starfighter was in, and he’s even more confused when he walks into the nearby hanger to see what looks like a blue carbon copy of his red fighter.
“It’s the next upgrade,” Cody tells him as they watch clones scurry around the ship. “It’s faster. If you join up with the transport ring you’ll cut your time in half, and you should easily make it back to Coruscant within fourteen hours.”
It beats the two days it took to get here on their frigate, and Obi-Wan has to resist the urge to hug Cody as he thanks him.
“Don’t thank me,” Cody responds. “Just go back and sort out this disaster with General Skywalker.” When he sees Obi-Wan staring at him, he just cracks a smile. “As I said,” Cody says cheekily, “clones are good listeners.”
Obi-Wan snorts but nods his head as he dashes forward. The adrenaline in his veins is still pumping, but it’s less now. He can feel the weight of the long journey ahead of him already, the dread of sitting in a confined space and hoping to the Force that Anakin is okay.
He’s climbing up the side into the ship when he feels a hand on his ankle though, and he glances down to see Cody staring up at him with a hunted expression on his face.
“General,” he says, his voice barely above a murmur. “A few months ago there was a clone who found out about the control chips in us. Some of us helped each other to remove them.” He pauses to glance around before he leans closer, and Obi-Wan automatically leans down to hear him better. “We found an Order programmed into them… and execution Order. Of all the Jedi. It’s Order 66.”
“Order 66-” Obi-Wan starts to say but Cody tightens his hand on Obi-Wan’s ankle to almost painfully tight and Obi-Wan stops.
“It was put there by Chancellor Sheev Palpatine,” he mutters, his voice faster and more frantic. “I don’t know why but… General, be safe. Please.”
Obi-Wan doesn’t even get to reply as Cody lets go and steps back to join his troops. Obi-Wan stares after him in confusion, but Cody already has an impassive and blank look on his face as he raises an arm in farewell.
Obi-Wan tries not to think much more as he clambers into the fighter, but the moment he’s taken off and joined up with the transport ring, he realises he’s stuck in this tight space with only his damn thoughts to keep him company.
He tries to recite the code, tries to keep his calm, but his thoughts are racing and his heart sits like a lump in his throat. Panic over Anakin is leaking out of him, anxiety thick in the air, and Obi-Wan contemplates opening the bond again to try reaching out to him.
He can’t risk it though, not when the tendrils of the Darkside are still playing with him. They wrap around his memories, dragging all the deaths of the past to the front of his mind, all the times he failed, all the people he himself has killed. Anakin’s face is a constant thought, the stricken look Anakin had given him when Obi-Wan told him he didn’t love him seared into his mind.
A lie. A huge lie, and Obi-Wan doesn’t know how many apologies will ever make up for it.
That throws him for a loop, that he’s considering an apology, but then he thinks that no one would get in a starfighter and blast across the damn galaxy just out of sheer worry if they didn’t… if there wasn’t some love there. He can’t palm it off as familial, or platonic, no, this runs too damn deep in him.
At some point, he dozes off. It’s not a pleasant sleep, rampant with memories and the burn he’d felt on his wrist from Anakin’s hand covers his body. It’s shameful and Obi-Wan hates it, and admittedly there are times where he wakes up because the Darkside has started to take hold.
So when he sees Coruscant looming towards him, he sits bolt upright and tears forward, pouring as much acceleration into the fighter as he can.
It’s because of what Cody said that he immediately heads for the Senate Dome. There’s a feeling that that’s where he’ll find Anakin, and he wonders if it’s because of the idea that Palpatine is evil… pure evil that makes him think that.
He’s not wrong though as he pulls up on one of the landing pads outside the Chancellor’s Office. He can see two Jedi hovercrafts parked up as well, and the yellow one screams Anakin. When he focuses on the building he can feel Anakin moving around, barely through the doors, and Obi-Wan just knows that Anakin must’ve only just got here.
Without hesitance, he flings himself out of the fighter and hurtles towards the doors, slamming through them into the corridor. He can’t see Anakin, but he starts to call out as he bolts down the halls to the office, drawing his lightsaber as he goes.
There’s no response, and Obi-Wan almost chokes on the sheer amount of the Darkside energy radiating from the Chancellor’s Office. It’s overpowering and the lingering tendrils in his mind rear their ugly heads as they try desperately to devour Obi-Wan more.
“Anakin!” he calls out, trying to yell over the rushing blood in his ears. He feels like he’s suffocating, crushed under the consuming darkness, but he pushes forward until he’s crashing through the door of the office.
He pulls up short when he sees Agen Kolar staring up at him with sightless eyes, the bodies of Saesee Tiin and Kit Fisto on either side. There’s a blip of life from Kit, hardly anything, but it gives Obi-Wan some breath back even as he recognises the other two as dead.
His attention is completely drawn away though by the light show in front of him. Mace Windu is standing over Palpatine, his lightsaber shining bright and reflecting what looks like Force lighting back into the Chancellor, and standing beside them looking horrifically conflicted with his lightsaber in hand is… Anakin.
“Anakin!” Obi-Wan cries, already stumbling forward to rush to Anakin’s side. He stops though when Anakin turns to him with his eyes wide and, to Obi-Wan’s utter horror, tinged with yellow.
If the Darkside is creeping over Obi-Wan like a weighted blanket, he despairs to think what it must be like in Anakin’s mind.
“Obi-Wan?” Anakin responds, his voice barely raised over the sound of the lightning crackling through the room.
Obi-Wan doesn’t get to reply though as Palpatine starts to cackle, filling what’s left of the suffocating room with the wretched noise.
“Look, Anakin,” he sneers, “Windu even brought his pet to finish us both. He’s not here for you, Anakin. Look, his lightsaber is out. He’s here to kill you.”
“No…”
“Why else would he be here!” Palpatine yells, and Obi-Wan watches in horror as Palpatine seems to force Mace back with a sudden surge of power. “You said it yourself! He hates you, Anakin. He’s not here for your love, he’s here to finish it.”
“He’s lying!” Obi-Wan can’t help but cry back, desperate to reach Anakin as he watches Anakin’s shoulders start to droop and, despite all his training from the years telling him not to, he drops his lightsaber to the ground. The clatter is loud in the air, and he sees Anakin’s eyes follow the descent of the saber. “I’m not here to kill you, Anakin, please, don’t believe him!”
“Then why are you here?” Anakin roars as he turns burning eyes back to Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan has never quite felt fear like this before, and he knows it's not just his own. “Why would you come back? You rejected me! You don’t want me! Why are you here!”
Obi-Wan stumbles over his words but straightens his back as he starts to walk forward. Maybe if he can just touch Anakin…
“Stay back!” Anakin all but screams, his lightsaber swinging up almost dangerously close to Obi-Wan. He staggers to a halt, wide-eyed and horrified as the yellow in Anakin’s eyes bleed into a darker and richer colour. The Darkside in Obi-Wan rears its head louder, and Obi-Wan has to cling to the light in himself as Anakin bleeds dark in front of him.
“Anakin, please,” he calls, his voice as soft as it can be with the noise. “I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t even know… I came back for you. I felt our bond, I felt you, and I’m so worried for you.”
“Why?” Anakin snaps, and his voice sounds almost hysterical. “Why would you care?”
“Because-
“He’s lying, Anakin,” Palpatine cackles, and Obi-Wan watches as he pushes Mace even further back. “He’s a liar. All the Jedi are. They never cared for you. They never cared for your mother. He doesn’t love you.”
“Anakin, no,” Obi-Wan starts to call out but surprisingly Mace yells out over top of him.
“Dammit, Skywalker! Listen to Kenobi! He’s not a liar!” he bellows, voice filled with exhaustion, and Obi-Wan wonders how long he’ll last for.
“They’re liars,” Palpatine calls, his voice almost singsong, “liars, Anakin! They hate you, they don’t care-“
“Anakin, please-”
“For the love of… Skywalker-”
“Shut up!” Anakin screams, his voice ripping over everything else in the room. Obi-Wan watches as Anakin throws out his arms, his eyes flashing yellow and blue and his entire body trembles before…
Nothing.
Obi-Wan blinks, in case his eyes are betraying him, but no, they’re not. The entire room is covered in a shimmering layer of purple, and in front of him, Mace and Palpatine are frozen in time. He can still feel their heartbeats through the Force, but for all purposes, they’re nothing but statues.
He glances back at Anakin who’s breathing heavily where he stands, his eyes wild and exhausted. Obi-Wan takes a hesitant step forward, but Anakin turns a glare so intense on him that he almost freezes like the other two.
“Stasis field,” Obi-Wan muses aloud, unsure what else to say. Anakin doesn’t respond, just continues to stare at him until Obi-Wan hesitantly calls his name. “Anakin?”
“Tell me why you’re here,” Anakin immediately says, and despite his voice being a normal volume, it ricochets in their moment of stillness until it’s all but a shout.
“Anakin, I… I felt you through the bond and I was worried. I couldn’t just leave you to deal with whatever this is on your own-”
“Don’t lie to me,” Anakin cuts him off looking furious, “every time you’ve lied to me. Every time you’ve lied.”
Obi-Wan blinks at him, floundering like a fish, and he feels his heart slowly forcing its way out of his throat. He doesn’t know where to start. All the lies are building in his stomach, tearing their way to his mouth, and it’s painful as all the memories and flashes he’d had on the journey here resurface.
So he starts with correcting his lies.
“Yes,” he suddenly says, and it doesn’t miss his eyes that he sees Anakin flinch. “Yes, I’ve lied to you for so long. And I’ve lied about so many things.” He hesitates for a moment before he launches in, ripping open that small part of himself he's always kept firmly shut and the sheer weight of the emotions that roar out nearly has him on his knees. “I did love Siri. I loved Siri, I loved Cerasi, I loved Satine and I loved Qui-Gon. And all of them died." His mouth twists into a grimace, his eyes no doubt reflect the overwhelming sorrow he feels. "They died in my arms. All of them. And I blame myself for them all."
He looks up at Anakin, forcing himself to focus even if he desperately wants to look away.
“And yet they all pale in comparison to if I were to ever watch you die, to ever hold you in your last breaths. I've gotten up and continued after them all, managed to get through them... but that was because of you, Anakin.”
Obi-Wan has to stop for a breath, the words feeling like ash on his tongue. He sees Anakin starting to droop in front of him, his eyes flickering more as the yellow starts to fade, but it’s still there and the Darkside is still teasing at the fringes of Obi-Wan’s mind.
“You are my strength,” he confesses. “When I need hope, I look at you. When I need passion, I look at you. Whenever I need to get up and push forward, I think of you, who you are, who you've become, and I find the strength to get back to you.”
He glances away briefly, unsure if he wants to say what's next, but he will. He has to. “But you're also my weakness, Anakin. I never knew jealousy until I thought of you with Padme. I never knew hatred until the day I truly saw what Watto had done to you. I never truly knew sadness until the very moment I stood there and rejected you all because of the code.”
Anakin flinches, and Obi-Wan feels angry tears starting to gather at the corners of his eyes.
“The code,” he spits with so much venom and he means it, he truly and honestly means the anger behind his voice. "The code has been misinterpreted for years, and I think I have been the biggest fool of all.”
He digs his fingers into his palms, tightening his hands into fists. Every lie he’s ever told is unravelling around him, and he feels bare and open to the world.
“You asked me once if I would leave the Order. I told you no. I told you I tried once and it was the biggest mistake I made.” He sighs, and he tries to convey so much more through his eyes than just what he’s saying as he feels the hot sting of tears slip down his cheeks. “It wasn't. The biggest mistake I've ever made was not leaving the Order with you.”
Obi-Wan takes a risk as he steps forward, but when Anakin doesn’t protest he continues to walk closer and closer until they’re only an arms width apart.
“I’m sorry, Anakin,” he murmurs, his voice soft and full of regret as it catches on his tears. “I’ve lied to you for so long thinking it was the right thing. But the right thing for who, I'll never know.”
He hesitates over the next part, but it’s what he feels, what he needs to say, what Anakin needs to hear, so he ploughs forward.
“I love you," and the words feel like such sweet relief on his tongue and he watches the way Anakin visibly recoils, his eyes widening. "I'm in love you so damn much that it hurts. And I'm a fool to even hope that you'll forgive me for the pain I've caused you, and an even bigger fool for hoping you will still love me back, but a fool I am. A damn fool who loves you, Anakin."
The silence hangs thick in the air when he’s finished, so thick Obi-Wan could cut it in two, but he waits patiently as conflict screams over Anakin’s face over and over until the man seems to just collapse on the inside.
“How can I believe you?” Anakin asks quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper. “How can I trust that what you’re saying isn’t another lie?”
Obi-Wan looks at him long and hard, and it hurts every part of him to think this is what he’s done. This is the cause of his stupidity.
He reaches out and takes Anakin’s hand, admittedly surprised when Anakin just entwines their fingers in response. It’s obvious he wants to believe, that he yearns to believe.
So Obi-Wan does the only thing he can think to do, and he takes a deep breath before ripping open their bond.
The Darkside howls through, triumphant as it consumes Obi-Wan, and it’s only because of his grip on Anakin’s hand that Obi-Wan feels tethered to the ground. He’s swept away in memories as they scream through him. Pain and torment are shoved constantly into the front of his mind, and he feels like he’s suffocating as he scrabbles for the dim light hovering in the corner of his mind.
Then suddenly Anakin is there, and he’s neither dark nor light as he enters Obi-Wan’s mind. He’s a solid grey, and it takes all of Obi-Wan’s effort but he grabs the light with two hands and forces every goddamn feeling he’s had for Anakin his way.
There’s the moment from when Anakin was a boy. “Do you blame me for Qui-Gon’s death?”. The moment of Siri’s death. “Did you love her?”. On the transport sitting side by side. “Would you leave the Order now, if someone were to love you?”. Right after their kiss, Obi-Wan lips still tingling. “But I thought…?” Anakin’s hand on his wrist pulling him back before Utapau. “Tell me you love me.” Oh, and Obi-Wan lies and lies and lies, and the lies sweep him away like a river as he throws them at Anakin.
But with each lie, he tells the truth. I did blame you for a time. I did love her. I would leave the Order for you in a heartbeat. You thought right. I. Love. You.
He repeats those three words over and over like a mantra as he lets Anakin feel his love and devotion. He lets Anakin feel the selfish love, the consuming love, the selfless love, the misleading love, the pure love. All of it. He pours it through their connection into Anakin because he has to know.
Then eventually the dark starts to recede, and Obi-Wan’s light starts to pour through their connection. Gradually the ground becomes more solid beneath him, and when he opens his eyes he sees they’re both kneeling on the ground and there are tears on Anakin’s face.
“Obi-Wan…” he murmurs sounding more broken than Obi-Wan has ever heard him. He cracks a small smile, feeling his wet cheeks moving as he does so. He doesn’t resist the urge to reach out and touch Anakin’s own cheek, his thumb moving through the wet trails as he caresses it.
“I’m sorry,” he apologises once more into the quiet of the moment. He doesn’t pay attention to the purple stasis around them, or the Jedi and Sith locked into battle beside them. He focuses instead on Anakin as the yellow fades from those gorgeous blue eyes and the dark tendrils recede.
“Me too,” Anakin says as he reaches up, his hand wrapping around Obi-Wan’s wrist as he leans into the touch. It takes Obi-Wan’s breath away, but this time it’s good, this time it's pure.
It doesn’t take much thought for Obi-Wan to lean forward to kiss Anakin. It’s nothing extraordinary. There’s still lingering pain and doubt, but there’s also forgiveness and love.
It’s the best kiss Obi-Wan has ever had.
But things must come to an end, and soon the stasis fizzles out and the roar of lightning floods back into their ears. They break apart with a gasp, Obi-Wan clinging tightly to Anakin’s hand still in their laps, and when they pull back he keeps their foreheads pressed together.
“I love you,” he reminds Anakin again, and he watches the way those hurt and pained eyes light up, and he can’t stop his own smile cracking his tired face.
“I love you too,” Anakin replies quietly, and then there’s suddenly a fire in his eyes as he stands to his feet and flings himself at the fighting duo with his lightsaber roaring in his hand.
And when it’s all said and done, when Sidious is dead, when the Clone Wars ends, when Obi-Wan resigns from the council and leaves the Order with Anakin in tow… when it’s all crashed down around him and he doesn’t know where to go, Obi-Wan finds it strange that he doesn’t mind.
But his hand is in Anakin’s, there’s a smile on his face, and somewhere there’s a future waiting for them.
...
Fin.