Work Text:
“what do you mean you’re late?”
“i’m sorry,” wonpil apologizes and jae can tell he is by the sigh that follows, knows the younger must be beating himself up right now even when he really has no reason to. “sungjin hyung’s flight got delayed and i just can’t leave - i’m really sorry.”
“i get it,” jae mutters through a spoonful of mashed potatoes he had sneaked from the kitchen - something he had stubbornly insisted on having on the table because christmas is not christmas unless there is at least a bowl full of mashed potatoes. he grimaces at the taste, grabs another spoonful either way. wonpil got a little over-eager with the salt again. “just - how late is late?”
“uh,” some rattling filters in through the phone line. then, quiet, jae hears the tail-end of wonpil speaking politely to who he guesses is a flight attendant. “they say the plane’s supposed to land at midnight,” wonpil says. “hyung, i’m really sorry-”
“it’s okay,” jae is quick to wave wonpil’s apologies away. “it’s not your fault, wonpil-ah. nothing you can do about it. give sungjin a big, gross kiss from me, yeah?”
“i will,” wonpil laughs, still regretful but lighter all the same. “we’ll try to make it home as fast as we can, hyung. promise.”
“yeah, yeah,” jae says, can’t help but tease, “that’s if you two don’t get it on in the back of the car. i know it’s been a while for you, brat.”
“hyung!” wonpil squeaks out, obviously flustered even through the gritty phone connection. jae cuts him off with a slightly forced cherry, “merry christmas. practice safe sex!” and promptly hangs up before wonpil can get another word in.
jae sets his phone down, steals one last spoon of mashed potatoes, and then takes a look around the apartment. it looks pathetic, really. there are barely a few christmas decorations: some lights jae dug up from the bottom of their closet that wonpil hung around their window with scotch tape, a lone mistletoe stem tied to their ratty ventilator, a one-eyed santa that when plugged in sings the same line of deck the halls over and over again in a squeaky drawl. all in all, a very college kind of christmas.
jae checks the time. 11:07. wonpil won’t be home for at least another three hours with how far the airport is from their dorm and jae is left feeling kind of bitter about the whole thing - spending christmas alone is not exactly what he had planned, especially now that brian is not in the picture anymore - but it’s not like there’s much he can do about it. he won’t ask wonpil to ditch sungjin and come stuff himself full of bibimbap with him - can’t. not when sungjin’s been away for two months interning at some publishing company down in busan and wonpil’s only now getting to see his boyfriend of two years.
“merry christmas,” jae sings to no one and sends the paper cut-out star topping their tiny plastic pine tree scattering to the floor with a flick of his finger.
/
in an effort to keep himself entertained and liven up the apartment that only looks lonelier now that jae knows wonpil is not coming, jae decides to play at interior decor.
there’s a few cardboard boxes sitting in the back of his closet labeled do not open. seriously. jae stares at them in defeat for maybe a bit longer than he should’ve. then he brings scissors to scotch tape and breaks his own damn rule.
inside, there are a bunch of brian’s old stuff; a few hoodies that got left behind in jae’s laundry, a notebook jae knows is filled with half-words and beginnings, endings, in-betweens of countless songs brian had showed him once and said for you,because of you. some dusty cds they used to listen on replay during cold nights.
jae shifts through the memories he keeps stuffed inside the box and stops his thoughts when they start to wander. he’s sure this used to be the decoration box before jae filled it with less cherry reminders.
“finally,” jae huffs out as he struggles one last time and pulls a string of multi colored fairy lights out of the box, brian’s business admin jacket spilling onto the floor with them. jae swallows a sigh at the sight of it, decides he’s sad enough as it is already to get sentimental over this, and makes his way back into the living room.
jae’s just about to pin the last of the christmas lights to the curtain drapes when the knock comes. frowning, jae goes to open the door. he’s not expecting any company, had already resigned himself to the fact that christmas this year meant him, wonpil, wonpil’s boyfriend, and some barely-eatable food. then resigned himself again to christmas just being him and maybe some reruns of holiday classics - but the knock comes again, more insistent this time.
jae figures it’s a neighbour, another lonely college kid looking for some leftovers, maybe. or that old lady from down the street who’s taking such a liking to wonpil jae wouldn't be surprised if she dropped by to wish him a merry christmas.
when he opens the door, however, is not any of those. it’s worse, much worse. it’s-
“brian,” jae chokes slightly on the name, more than surprised to see him standing at the door. he’s blonde now, is the first thing jae notices, his hair a light honeyed shade of gold instead of the dark purple jae last saw him with. it’s - jarring. seeing brian, seeing him again. different too. jae blinks once, twice, breathes in, and then asks, “what are you doing here?”
“jae, hi,” brian says in returns and sounds just as surprised as jae looks. “i, uh. wonpil said you wouldn’t- i mean. i came to pick something up. i’m - i’m sorry to bother.” brian shfits on his feet, doesn’t quite meet jae’s gaze but instead keeps his eyes somewhere over the rim of jae’s glasses.
“oh,” jae says, then he regroups and opens the door wider. “come on in then.”
“thanks,” brian nods at him, stepping inside. he moves carefully, like he’s unsure of his place, and it’s, again, so very different. jae’s used to brian kicking off his shoes as soon as he comes in through the door and not hesitating when it comes to raiding his fridge for a snack. used to a kiss on the lips meaning hi, how are you, i missed you instead of this awkward silence that they’re caged in. but then again, jae thinks as brian pauses at the living room, things have changed. they are supposed to be different.
“where’s wonpil?” brian asks, fingers catching at the hem of his sleeves. a childhood habit he inevitably falls into when he’s feeling tense, jae knows. “he, uh, told me he would be here.”
“stuck at the airport,” jae answers. he hangs awkwardly near the couch arm rest, unsure of what to do. brian said he came to pick something up but he’s not exactly making any move to do so. “sungjin’s flight ran late.”
“that sucks.” brian takes a look around, eyes settling on the frankly pathetic-looking christmas decorations, running from one end of the room to the other before they finally come to settle on jae, who ducks his head under the sudden attention.
“yeah, well,” jae gives a shrugs in a what can you do manner because really, what can he do? the only options jae’s got at this point are either wallow in self-pity or deal with it. he did plenty of the former after his and brian’s break up a month ago and the only thing that ended in were puffy eyes and a worried wonpil. jae’s not about to do it again. “you said you were here for something?”
“what? oh, yes, i - i left my mom’s christmas present the last time i was here,” brian explains. “didn’t really have a chance to come back for it.”
jae winces. their break up was not a pretty one - if there is such a thing. even if it had been a long time coming, the night they finally admitted to themselves that they couldn’t keep on going like that had them fighting and screaming at each other in a fit of anger and the worst kind of defeat - the bitter, troubling kind; the kind that leaves you thinking about what-ifs: maybe if i’d tried harder. maybe if i’d fought better. maybe if i’d told you all i didn’t say.
point being: the night they broke up jae had basically kicked brian out of his apartment and told him not to come back ever again. the things he left behind jae had given to wonpil to pass onto to brian and left it at that. this is the first time he’s seeing brian in three weeks.
because jae is stubborn by habit and proud by nature all he does is shrug one shoulder and keep his mouth shut before any apologies can come spilling out. he did plenty of that too before brian left. he also doesn't plan on doing it again. “where is it?” he asks for a lack of anything better to say.
brian quirks an eyebrow at the act, doesn’t comment on it because he knows jae as well as jae knows him, which would often used to put them at a standstill, a situation much like this one but not quite because jae doesn’t trust that they’ll be able to push past it like they used to do. used to - that is until they couldn't and well, here they are now.
“i think i left it in your room,” brian says, because of course. of course. jae just barely keeps himself from sighing as he motions for brian to go ahead.
brian shuffles into jae’s room hesitantly and it’s only when jae hears him make a surprised noise at the back of his throat that he remembers the box he left open. the box with all of brian’s stuff on it.
jae is up and in the room before brian can even open his mouth to ask about it. “i was looking for christmas decorations,” jae explains hurriedly. “i wasn’t-”
“you kept all of this?” brian cuts in, something akin to disbelief coloring his voice. he crouches down next to the box, reaching out to grab one of the hoodies spilling out onto the floor.
“what, you thought i threw your stuff away?” jae huffs. arms crossed and walls up.
“wouldn’t put it past you, really,” brian says but there’s not bite to it, more of an amused tilt that has jae fighting off the beginnings of a familiar fond roll of eyes. “i just didn’t think you’d keep it. too many memories, i figured.”
“oh c’mon,” jae scoffs, coming to stand next to brian, close enough so that his shoes touch the edge of the box brian’s still shifting through. “if you think i’d remember you by stuff like hoodies and love songs,” he kicks the side of the box, startling brian into looking up at him when he says, “then you really don’t know me at all.”
not-quite grinning but close to it, brian huffs out a quiet breath. he stands up then and the light from jae’s beside lamp catches him just so, highlighting his blond hair into golden.
“you dyed your hair,” jae says because the walls of his room seems closer than they were before now that brian is standing up and finally looking back at him. it’s getting harder and harder to breathe too, with the way brian smiles at him, just a quirk of his lips. just enough for jae to remember the smile he fell in love with not that long ago.
“you always said you wanted us to match,” he says, gaze settling on the wayward strand of bleach-yellowed hair curling around jae’s forehead. his hand twitches at his sides, an aborted motion jae recognizes from all the times brian would reach out and brush jae’s hair away from his face so he could kiss jae on the nose, over his eyelids, his lips. before.
“a bit late, aren’t you?” jae says. breathes in. breathes out.
“i always seem to be,” brian answers, no more than a whisper but heavy all the same. jae swallows back the words sitting at the back of his throat and turns away.
“did you find what you were looking for?” he asks, takes a step back. puts some distance between them before he does something stupid. like letting brian any closer.
brian blinks, obviously thrown by the change of topic. “ah, no,” he says before he turns around the ruffle around in jae’s closet. a few moments later he pulls out a small package wrapped sloppily in christmas-patterned paper. jae remembers laughing at brian’s awful gift-wrapping skills when he first saw him struggling with it and stops his thoughts right there. put some distance, he thinks. don’t do anything stupid.
“well, there you have it,” jae nods. he steps back into the living room, glad to see brian following after him. “guess that’s it. merry christmas. drive safe.”
brian chuckles. “what’s the rush?” he asks. jae fumbles under the fond, knowing look he sends his way, pretends he hadn’t just been trying - and failing - to kick brian out. “are you expecting company? am i bothering?”
“no,” jae huffs out. he doesn’t know why he keeps on talking, should have just shut up then and there and shown brian out. instead, he finds himself explaining, “i was supposed to spend christmas with wonpil and sungjin, but seeing as they got stuck at the airport…” he trails off, not wanting to come off as pathetic but knowing he might as well have just slapped a big sad and lonely sign over his head already.
“you’re spending christmas alone?” brian asks, does not sound like he likes the thought of it.
“it’s fine,” jae waves him off. “more food for me that way.”
“that’s-” brian shakes his head and jae sees the exact moment he comes to a decision in the way his shoulders square in determination, voice sure as he says, “no. that’s no way to spend christmas.”
“what else am i supposed to do? go christmas carolling?”
“you certainly have the voice for it,” brian chuckles and jae ducks his head, cheeks reddening at the warmth of it. don’t do anything stupid. “or,” brian says. “you could let me stay with you.”
“that’s, like, the worst idea ever,” jae says because brian can’t be serious, can he? apparently, he is, because not a second after jae stops talking brian has already kicked off his shoes and settled down on the couch. “hey - hey,” jae snaps his fingers at brian, something that always used to annoy the younger, used to be one of the many inconsequential reasons why they fought - which actually comes in handy now. “didn’t you hear what i just say? this is a bad idea. get out.”
“why?” brian asks in return. he even has to nerve to sound annoyed.
“we broke up,” jae tells him seriously, arms crossed. “we’re not together anymore. remember?”
“of course i remember,” brian answers and somehow it sounds more like how can i forget?. he turns to look at jae, who can’t help but blanch under the heaviness of his gaze when brian says, “but that doesn’t mean i don’t worry about you anymore, hyung. we might not be together anymore but i still care.”
jae keeps quiet. what the fuck is he supposed to say to that? brian had sounded so sure. certain. different.
jae remembers all those time brian would say i care about you, you matter to me and doubt it. it’s not like jae had thought brian didn’t care about him - he had, of course he had - but brian had always seem to question if it was worth it. it was something that took jae time to understand. brian’s a poet at heart even if music will always be his way of translating feeling and jae remembers hearing him sing about heartbreak and the pain of being left behind and thinking: is that what he thinks is going to happen to us?
“don’t you have somewhere else to be?” jae demands when the silence stretches on for far too long. “you seem awfully dressed up for just coming to pick up a present.”
brian looks down, like he’s just noticing the beige dress pants and wine-red turtleneck with a beige coat thrown over it he’s wearing. even his shoes are shined. jae, of course, had noticed the outfit the moment he first saw brian, noticed the slim fit of his wait and the broad lines of his shoulders and thought: oh. oh no.
brian shrugs. “yeah. but it’s nothing i can’t miss,” he says and jae knows a lost battle when he sees one so he sighs, shoulder dropping, and relents.
“fine,” jae says, watching as a pleased, warm smile quirks up brian’s lips. “fine. you can stay.”
/
don’t do anything stupid, jae thinks as he watches brian plug in the colored christmas lights hanging around the kitchen window. don’t fucking do anything stupid, he thinks as brian turns to grin at him where jae stands by the oven and tries not to burn what will hopefully turn out to be beef with rice, smile brighter than the christmas lights haloing in around him.
“can you set up the table?” jae asks because he doesn’t think he can’t take brian looking at him like this anymore without burning something. like the apartment. or himself. himself sounds good.
“okay,” brian nods and goes to do just that. jae watches out of the corner of his eyes as brian putters around for the cutlery and some plates. it’s when he goes for the glasses that he has to reach around jae to get at the shelve. he slips an arm around jae’s waist, chest brushing against jae’s back when he stands on his toes and jae just - can’t.
“stop,” he grits out. “stop. please.”
brian complies, stepping back with a glass in hand and a sheepish smile on his face. “sorry,” he says and makes it sound like a question.
“what are you doing?” jae asks in return, doesn’t notice the spoon he had been brandishing until it sends a few rice grains scattering across the floor and brian’s nice dress shirt. brian frowns down at it and then scoops the rice up and into his mouth. which is both gross and so entirely brian that jae’s chest aches something bad.
“setting the table..?”
“no. i mean what’s this,,” jae asks and motions around at brian, himself, and the shortening distance between them both.
brian sighs, the tired sound barely audible over the god awful rendition of deck the halls the one-eyed santa is belting from the living room because brian had insisted on leaving the thing plugged in. he looks at jae, looks away, looks at jae again. sighs.
“i’m sorry,” he says finally. “if i made you uncomfortable, i didn’t mean to.”
“it’s not that,” jae sighs. “i’m just - confused. we broke up, brian,” he says, doesn’t know who he’s trying to get to remember it: brian or himself. “we do not do this anymore.”
“you broke up with me,” is what brian says. “i didn’t have much of a choice in the matter.”
“c’mon,” jae scoffs. “i may have been the one to end it but we both knew it wouldn’t last. you certainly seemed to think so.”
brian frowns. “i - what are you talking about?”
“don’t act so surprised,” jae huffs, setting down the bowl of mashed potatoes with probably more force than he should’ve of. brian stands at the other end of the table and watches jae rake a hand through his hair. “you were always like that,” he says, “always thinking ahead, always thinking the worst.”
“that’s not true,” brian refutes, eyes down-cast and - sad, maybe, jae thinks. swallows. “i wasn’t- that wasn’t-”
“please,” jae holds up a hand. “the first time i asked i you to move in with me, you said no. the time i asked you about your plans after college, i obviously wasn’t in them. the time i told you i loved you and all you did was kiss me and keep quiet.” jae sighs, figures it’s better just to say it all now that he’s started. he kept a lot of things to himself the night they broke up, spoke out of anger and not with the sour certainty that he does now. “you always thought we would break up, in the end. i wasn’t going to stay together with someone who thought our relationship had an expiring date.”
brian swallows, seems to force himself to look up and he’s frowning, jae notes, frowning hard when he says, “that’s stupid, hyung. that wasn’t it. that wasn’t it at all.”
“let’s just eat,” jae sighs and lets himself fall into his seat. he can’t deal with this right now and brian seems too lost in thought to care much. “pass me the mashed potatoes.”
don’t do anything stupid, jae thinks. that went well.
/
dinner is awkward. jae stuffs himself full in an effort to have an excuse not to say a word and it works, though that has more to do with the fact that brian also stays quiet during the whole thirty minutes they spend half-heartedly shoveling lukewarm christmas food into their mouths.
what a waste, jae thinks as he collects their plates and brings them into the kitchen. he’d been better off alone. should have kicked brian out like he first intended to do.
“hyung,” brian starts. he’s standing near the end of the living room, hands wrung together. jae stops so he can look at him, bowl of mashed potatoes in hand and body still turned towards the kitchen. it’s the first thing brian’s said in close to forty minutes and he looks like that’s pretty much all he’s got.
“yeah?” jae raises an eyebrow.
brian seems to steal himself. he steps closer, breathes in, says, “you got it all wrong.”
“do not,” jae warns. “i do not want to hear it.”
“please,” brian asks. “just - just listen to me for a second,” and jae can’t say no, not when brian looks hopeful and defeated all at once. he still loves him, after all. even if he knows it only brings trouble. “you got it wrong, hyung. i - i wasn’t thinking the worst. i wasn’t thinking at all. when you asked me to move in i was just terrified i would somehow fuck it all up and i don’t know, lose you. everytime you asked something of me i just - got scared. i’m not used to being important to someone, anyone, and i thought maybe i didn’t really deserve it.”
“that’s stupid,” jae breathes in a rush and clutches at the bowl of mashed potatoes to keep himself in check. “you’re stupid. who cares if you deserved it or not. i wanted to be with you. that’s all there was to the matter, idiot.”
“i realise that now,” brian says, smiles. smiles like he can breathe again and jae - does the same, thinks he understand the feeling.
“this doesn’t change anything,” jae says because fine, maybe brian wasn’t thinking the worst about them but he was still thinking the worst about himself and that’s maybe better but not best. “we still broke up.”
“i know,” brian agrees, much too quickly and much too hopefully and oh no, but jae knows that grin, knows how stubborn hope turns brian and how weak jae is for him. how in love, still. “but no one said we can’t try again.”
“i said so,” jae says, takes a step back when brian takes one forward even as he grins despite himself. “i say so. stop. no.”
“hyung,” brian grins, reaches out to brush a strand of hair out of jae’s eyes as he asks, “can i kiss you?”
“no,” jae says and does not mean it at all. “you can not.”
“but look,” brian says and tilts his head up, cups jae’s jaw to urge him to do the same. but look: mistletoe, hanging from the ventilator just above them both.
“oh, c’mon,” jae huffs and grins as brian leans close closer closest and steals one kiss. two. three. and jae does not mind at all.