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Plop plop plop.
Choromatsu breathed out an impatient sigh at the bottom of his pond, glaring up at the surface as he watches a small, circular stone slowly sink, joining an ever-growing pile of stones at the floor. It seemed like some kid was probably skipping rocks up on land again, and as much as it annoyed him, he could only wait until they grew bored. Sometimes being the pond’s guardian really sucked, mainly because it meant he could only reveal himself to those who were worthy of his blessing. Not some random seven-year-old shit who was distracting him from reading his manga about a mortal boy and his romance with a beautiful mermaid.
Oh, well. Kids tended to get bored quickly, so hopefully, they’d go away soon. He went back to his reading, doing his best to ignore the subsequent plopping.
However, with each plop that followed, Choromatsu found himself getting less annoyed and more furious. By the time a couple of minutes had passed and the rock skipping still had not ceased, he was clenching his manga so tightly that it was creasing, and it took all of his inner strength to restrain himself from chucking the stones back up to the surface. He was beginning to think this wasn’t some dumb child. His goddess senses were beginning to tingle; there was something about the way these rocks were being skipped — the sound, the rhythm, everything — that was inherently obnoxious. And there was really one thing that could irritate him so greatly—
“Choromatsuuuuuuuu!”
Speak of the devil. Literally.
Choromatsu floated to the surface and poked the top half of his head out of the water, giving his steeliest glare to the individual crouched at the edge of the pond. Just the sight of the all-too-familiar blue suit, horns, wings, tail, and shit-eating smirk was enough to wish it had been some stupid kid, after all.
“What are you doing.”
Osomatsu grinned. “Just skipping some rocks. Nothing wrong with that.”
“Do it somewhere else.”
“No.”
Osomatsu skipped another rock. It hit Choromatsu smack dab in the forehead. His eye twitched, and he disappeared into the water again, only to resurface a second later with a mountain of rocks in hand.
Osomatsu’s eyes widened. “Oh, fu—”
“Get the hell off my lawn!” Choromatsu yelled, hurling all of the stones, one by one, back at Osomatsu at a supernatural speed. The devil shrieked, trying and failing to dodge the incoming barrage.
Choromatsu was out of ammo within a couple of seconds, so he settled for staring down Osomatsu while panting heavily. Pouting, Osomatsu rubbed his scraped wing.
“You hit me…” he whined.
Choromatsu resisted the instinct to storm over to the edge and knock Osomatsu’s lights out. Instead, he asked through clenched teeth, “Do you want something or are you just here to bother me?”
“Oh!” Osomatsu’s face lit up in remembrance, and he let go of his wing. “Yeah, I’m hungry. Gimme something to eat.”
What the hell?
“Excuse me?” Choromatsu managed to ask.
Osomatsu shrugged. “You heard me. What’s a devil gotta do to be fed properly?”
Choromatsu sputtered. “J-just go back home and eat something then! Don’t you have food down in hell?!”
“Nah, I can’t go back yet,” Osomatsu sighed.
“Why not?!”
“Ha, funny story, actually,” Osomatsu began nonchalantly. “So I was over at the church and that choirboy was giving me his communion cookies. Todomatsu, was it? Nice kid, I like him.”
Choromatsu figured maybe he shouldn’t ask why the choirboy of all people was consorting with the devil.
“Anyway, everything was cool, until Shittymatsu caught us and threw holy water at me.” Osomatsu rolled his eyes. “Those cookies were really good , too. Like, what’s so wrong about sharing a few with me? And I’m still hungry, can you believe that?!”
“What does this have anything to do with you not being able to go back home?”
Osomatsu looked at Choromatsu as if he were an idiot. “Dude, I just told you. I got splashed with holy water.”
“What is your point?” Choromatsu asked exasperatedly.
“I’m sore all over!” Just then, Osomatsu began massaging his shoulder, only to flinch after a moment. “I can’t go back when I’m like this! What’ll they say when they find out that a damn priest actually got the best of me?!”
“And it’s okay if I know?”
“Well, yeah. Because you’re my bestie.”
“I am not your ‘bestie.’”
“Oh, you tsundere, you,” Osomatsu laughed. “Either way, you’re at least better than those filthy Akuma Riders. I swear Satan is looking for anything to prove I’m not worthy of being a devil so he can boot me from hell.” He clicked his tongue. “He thinks he’s so much better than me just because he has a fancy bike and all…”
Choromatsu just gazed at him. After a few seconds, he shrugged and turned to go back down to the pond floor. “Alright then. Good luck with that.”
“Wha—Hey!” Osomatsu was indignant. “Aren’t you gonna give me your food?! Don’t leave me hungry like this!”
“Dude, I don’t care,” Choromatsu grumbled. “It’s not like you’re gonna die.”
“Aww! Does this mean you’d care if I was gonna die?” Osomatsu gushed.
All Choromatsu did was turn back around to glare some more.
For once, Osomatsu dropped the topic. “Come on, just feed me something!” he went back to wailing. “I’d even take one of your shitty statue thingies. Isn’t one of them made of jelly or something?” He proceeded to wade into the water in search of said statues.
“Hey hey hey!” Choromatsu rushed over to the edge to stop him. “Those are for my rituals with the mortals! You can’t take those!”
“Come on, don’t be like that,” Osomatsu argued. “I’m sure you have a ton of those lying around, so what’s wrong with me taking one?”
Choromatsu gritted his teeth and grabbed Osomatsu by his suit collar. “Listen to me, dumbass, because I’m only gonna say this once. I don’t care about your stupid beef with those motorcycle-riding fuckwits, I don’t care about your stupid shenanigans with Karamatsu and the church, and most of all, I don’t give a goddamn about your stupid cravings for cookies or whatever, so you can take your skipping stones and fuck off out of my pond because there is no way in hell I’m giving you any of my food—”
Thirty minutes later, Choromatsu found himself with his face in his hands, leaning over a shopping cart at the local supermarket. He ignored all of the weird looks passersby were shooting him and Osomatsu as the two of them stood in the middle of the aisle, with Osomatsu carefully scanning the contents on the shelves.
“Heeey, check out these milk candies!” Osomatsu grabbed a bag and waved it in front of Choromatsu, who peeked out from between his fingers just long enough to see what he was talking about. “Don’t they look good? We should get ‘em!” Without asking for the goddess’s opinion, he threw it into their cart and went over to the adjacent frozen aisle.
“How did I end up here with you…” Choromatsu mumbled, lowering his hands to push the cart and follow Osomatsu.
“Because we found out you don’t have any food in your pond and you’re just some freak who eats nothing but seaweed?” Osomatsu answered without even looking away from the shelves.
“Believe it or not, most foods don’t last long underwater,” Choromatsu deadpanned. “Also, there’s nothing wrong with seaweed.”
“Yeah, if you’re a freak. Unlike you, I’m a big boy. I need my meat.” With that, Osomatsu threw some frozen ham into the cart.
“Whatever, can you just hurry up? Do you realize how ridiculous we look to everyone else?” Choromatsu shifted self-consciously under the gaping stares of all the humans inside the store.
Osomatsu looked at him questioningly. “Yeah? What do you mean?”
Choromatsu gave him a disbelieving glare. “You’re kidding, aren’t you? Mortals don’t go out dressed in togas or devil wings.”
“Oh, right,” Osomatsu agreed loftily as he turned back to the aisle. “Just think of it as if we were in costumes. It’s not too bad then.”
“Why would we be in costumes? Halloween was two months ago.”
“Yeah, but it’s almost Christmas. A religious holiday. Get my point?”
Choromatsu only rolled his eyes. “Still, people don’t wear costumes this time of year. Unless if you’re a mall Santa with his tiny mall elves.”
“Seriously, you’re overthinking it. It’s kinda annoying, really.”
Choromatsu was about to snap back when he heard a little boy’s voice a few feet away: “Mommy, why are those guys dressed like weirdos?”
Following that, another voice, more hushed and feminine, responded, “Don’t look at them, Takashi. They’ll take you away.”
Choromatsu turned back to Osomatsu. “See what I mean?”
Osomatsu shrugged. “To be fair, I totally would take that kid away.”
“But I wouldn’t!” Choromatsu groaned. “I’m a goddess! I’m supposed to guard my pond and bless good people! Instead, people are thinking I’m some kidnapper!”
Osomatsu eyed him critically. “You care too much about what people think of you. You’re never gonna impress everyone no matter what you do, you know.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re the devil. People are supposed to not like you.”
“Eh, I dunno, sometimes it sucks. It’d be nice to have one person who likes me.”
“Wh—”
Osomatsu looked into the cart. “Anyway, I think I got everything. Let’s go.”
Choromatsu hesitated, but he went and followed Osomatsu to the checkout line anyway. Fortunately, there weren’t a lot of people in line, so they didn’t have to wait long for their turn; as the cashier scanned their items while giving them the same funny look everyone else had given them the past forty-five minutes, the goddess fidgeted, eager to head back to the pond so he can forget about this whole ordeal.
“That’ll be 3900 yen.”
Osomatsu and Choromatsu both froze in place, exchanging looks.
Please tell me you have money.
Why would I have money? There’s no money in hell.
You got me to go grocery shopping with you even though you didn’t have any money?!
That’s because I thought you had money. When has a devil ever paid for anything?
Well, there’s no money at the pond either!
Really? Don’t people throw coins in the water? Isn’t that a thing?
Yeah, but I throw them back out!
Why would you do that?!
I didn’t think I’d ever need them! Besides, you can’t expect me to bring a huge pile of coins and count 3900 yen worth of them! That’d take forever!
That’s good money you’re throwing away! What the hell is wrong with—
The cashier cleared her throat. “That’ll be 3900 yen, sirs,” she repeated patiently.
“U-um…” Choromatsu stammered nervously. “We’re so sorry, but we don’t—” He let out a little yelp when he felt Osomatsu pinch him down below. He received a certain look in response to the deadly glare he gave him.
Let me handle this.
“Hey, what’s that over there?!” Osomatsu yelled so loudly that the entire store heard, pointing in a random direction. When everyone turned to see what he was talking about, he shot a fireball up in a skyward direction, causing the entire ceiling to erupt into flames. In turn, the entire market dissolved into chaos, and Choromatsu became so dazed by what had just transpired that the next thing he knew, he was outside, far, far away from the wreckage. He was sprawled over in the cart, arms and feet dangling off the sides, surrounded by the food he and Osomatsu bought, and the devil was pushing said cart down the street, whistling a cheerful tune.
“What the hell, asshole?!” Choromatsu exploded.
“Oh, hey, you’re coherent again!” Osomatsu appeared unfazed by the outburst. “That’s good. I was beginning to think you were doomed to be a vegetable for eternity.”
“How long was I out?”
“Ehhh, ten or fifteen minutes? We’re almost at your pond.”
“What the hell was that back there?!”
“What did it look like? I was saving our asses.”
“By destroying the entire damn store?! You could’ve killed someone! And who knows, maybe you did!”
Osomatsu waved his hand flippantly. “Nah, everyone’s fine. It was just a little fire.”
“‘A little fire’?! That was not ‘a little—’”
“You know, you talk a lot. Everyone’s fine, trust me.”
Choromatsu decided not to push it. He looked down at all the food, and he held up the frozen ham. “So what’re we gonna do with this? I already told you before, most foods aren’t fit to keep in the pond.”
“Oh, I’m taking everything with me. Duh, you didn’t think I was buying all of this for you , did you?”
He had a point. Choromatsu settled back into the cart as Osomatsu pushed the cart further along, and before long, they were back at the pond. Osomatsu grabbed all of the food the two had bought, waltzed over to the edge of the water, plopped down, and proceeded to open a bag of cookies, all while humming a tune.
“Um, hello?” Choromatsu irritatedly made a motion at his own figure. “While you’re stuffing yourself, can you help me outta here while you’re at it?”
Osomatsu turned his head around to stare at him judgmentally. “You’re a goddess and you can’t get out a shopping cart of all things. Really.”
“You pushed me all the way out here. It wouldn’t hurt to help me get out after you went through all that trouble.”
“ And you’re lucky that I pushed you out here in the first place. I could’ve left you back at the market to burn and it wouldn’t have mattered to me or my food.”
Choromatsu sighed in frustration, knowing that there was really no use in arguing. He started to wriggle around in an attempt to figure out how he could get out, and after an uncomfortable few seconds that felt more like an entire hour, he managed to stand up in the cart.
“Oh sh—”
However, once he did so, the cart tipped over to the side under his weight, unceremoniously bringing both him and itself down into the grass. Dazed from the pain, Choromatsu hoped Osomatsu hadn’t seen that.
Judging from the loud, obnoxious cackling nearby, he had.
Choromatsu groaned, standing up and trudging over to sit next to the devil. He put his legs into the water, kicking them back and forth as he watched the ripples follow. “Can we just pretend that didn’t just happen?” he asked tiredly, too exhausted to get angry.
Osomatsu shrugged. “No promises.” He held out the cookie bag to Choromatsu. “Want some?”
Choromatsu took one, nodding as thanks. The two of them continued eating the cookies as the sun began to set, and the goddess’s mind couldn’t help but wander back to their earlier conversation in the store.
“Hey.”
Osomatsu turned to him, his mouth full of crumbs. “Mmph?”
“Does everyone really not like you?”
Osomatsu seemed taken aback by the sudden question, but he shrugged. “It’s like you said. People aren’t supposed to like me.”
“And you said that it sucks sometimes.”
“ And it’s not a big deal. You’re overthinking things again.”
“That’s not it!” Choromatsu stared down at his feet and sighed frustratedly. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted something in the water, and once he realized what it was, he wordlessly began to wade over to it. He could feel the devil’s eyes watching him as he fetched the object, walked back over, and, with an audible thud, put it down next to Osomatsu.
Osomatsu eyed the jelly statue critically. “What’s with that?”
“Take it,” Choromatsu grumbled.
“Why?”
“You were right, I do have tons of these lying around. You taking one isn’t gonna make much of a difference.”
“Why would I need it though?”
Choromatsu slapped his forehead. “Are you seriously gonna do this to me right now?” Seeing the confused look on Osomatsu’s face, he continued, “You wanted food from me. And yeah, I know you have your cookies and your damn ham now, but this is for after you run out. So you don’t come whining to me next time.”
It took a moment, but Osomatsu finally caught on, and he had an uncharacteristically genuine smile on his face for a brief second before it morphed into his usual smirk. “Nah, I’m good. That statue’s probably gross — I mean, it’s been in the water and, well, you touched it. I’ll stick with my cookies.” He stood up with all of his food in hand and began to walk away.
Choromatsu remained frozen in his spot as Osomatsu left, not having expected the rejection. Once it registered though, his face turned beet red, and, letting out an animalistic roar, picked up his jelly statue and hurled it at Osomatsu. It hit him smack dab in the back of his head, knocking him out cold. Dropping all of his food around him, he fell face first into the grass.
Pussy, Choromatsu thought bitterly. Who gets knocked out by jelly?
He was about to turn around and sink back underwater when a portal suddenly opened up next to Osomatsu, and a third individual in a red jumpsuit and a leather jacket with a hood lined with fur stepped out. Seeing Osomatsu in the state he was currently in, he whistled.
“Goddamn,” he remarked, turning to Choromatsu. “Did you do this?”
Choromatsu rolled his eyes. “Just take him.”
Satan then noticed all of the food scattered around Osomatsu. “Hey, cookies!” he exclaimed delightedly, picking up the bag. “And milk candies! Can I have these?!”
Choromatsu sighed. “Go ahead.”
“Sweet,” Satan singsonged, scooping up all the food in one hand and grabbing onto the unconscious Osomatsu’s collar with his other. “See ya around, Goddess. Lemme know if you ever want, like, a moped. Belphegor’s trying to sell his.”
“I’ll pass,” Choromatsu deadpanned, having his doubts that whatever Belphegor had to offer was waterproof.
He watched Satan drag Osomatsu into the portal, which promptly disappeared afterwards, then sighed, making his way back to the bottom of the pond. It had been a long day, and he was expecting it to be the same way tomorrow. He could already envision that devil returning, whining about the new bump on his head and how Choromatsu was the worst for hitting him and letting his nemesis take all of his food after how hard he had worked to get it. He had no doubt in his mind that that was going to happen, and he wasn’t sure if he was prepared. Osomatsu had a certain way of making sure he was never prepared, no matter how much he thought he was.
Oh well, Choromatsu thought as he went back to his manga. At least he’d be guaranteed to have an interesting day tomorrow.