Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

October 19, 2016

Roman shut the door to the practice room silently. He knew each nook of the choir room, including which doors were particularly loud. His back hit the door with a soft thud, and his tears softly dropped onto the carpeted floor. He slid to the ground and let out a choked sob.

Luke. Luke knew that what he said was terrible and awful.

“You could pat Roman Patrick on the head, and he’d accuse you of sexual assault.”

“Roman? Mrs. Marilyn told me you’re in here… Are you okay?” Patton’s muffled voice asked from the other side of the door.

“I’m fantastic, Patton! I just needed a few minutes of quiet before I tried to traverse the parking lot to grab my costume from Hannah’s car.” Roman tried to insert as much of his normal flare into his speech, but he knew if fell flat.

“Roman, let me in.”

The crying teen begrudgingly stood up and flung the door open. A worried Pat stood opposite him, and Roman knew that the puffy eyes and tear stains did nothing but make his friend more upset. He sighed and gestured for Patton to come inside.

After a few moments of silence once the door was closed, Patton spoke up again, though his voice was very quiet. “Was it Luke?”

“Yeah,” Roman admitted.

“What did he say?”

“‘You could pat Roman Patrick on the head, and he’d accuse you of sexual assault.’”

Patton paced the small room. “That douchebag! Are you fucking kidding me? He can try to ruin my life, sure, but making fun of your abuse scars in front of you and triggering you by it is too far!”

“Patton, it’s fine—“

“No it isn’t!” Pat cried, throwing his arms out in fury. “It’s awful! He knows what happened to you, and he is in no place to be talking about falsely accused sexual assault charges when he’s done exactly that!”

“It’s in the past…”

June, 2014

Roman quietly slid through his cabin’s window into the quiet night. He normally wasn’t one for this level of rule-breaking, but he was in love! He’d do almost anything for Ethan, and that meant a lot.

Two fingers were kept over the head of his flashlight as he made his way to the pier, only allowing a small sliver of light to shine out so he could avoid twigs. Roman was so excited to have found someone who liked him back that he didn’t care about the consequences. He was going to be a freshman, after all, so it would make sense to begin to have relationships, right? Ethan was kind, caring, and funny—everything Roman wanted in a guy.

“Roman! Oh, good. I thought you weren’t going to show up,” Ethan whispered, a smile creeping on his face.

“Of course I’m here! What do you think of me? I’d never leave you hanging, dearest.” Roman gave Ethan a deep kiss. When they pulled apart, Ethan held up a finger to signify for Roman to wait, bringing a tiny thermos from behind his back.

“Salted caramel hot chocolate. I know how much you said you liked caramel.” He passed it over, untwisting the lid as he moved. Roman took a huge sip, the cold of outside already sleeping through his pajama pants and shirt.

Ro coughed at the intense salty flavor. “Jeez, E, that’s really fucking salty. Good thing I’m really cold, or this would completely go to waste.”

Ethan smiled brightly, though Roman couldn’t quite place the emotion he got from it. They chatted for about twenty minutes before Roman began to sway on his feet. He was so tired and dizzy. He blinked a few times, shaking his head to try and stop the odd feelings.

“I, uh… I think… I think I’m gonna…” Roman mumbled, trying to get the slurred words he was thinking out of his mouth. He couldn’t seem to control himself, and in an instant he felt the hard ground hit his side. The last thing Roman saw was Ethan’s evil smile as he drifted off to sleep.

Roman woke up with a foggy mind. What had happened last night? He remembered going to meet Ethan and drinking hot chocolate and then… Nothing. He couldn’t remember a thing that’d happened.

The teen blinked a few times, trying to make some sense of his surroundings. They were bright, that much was obvious. Someone stepped up to him and gently touched his arm. He flinched back from the touch. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want anyone touching him.

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m sorry. It’s Nurse Elizabeth. A few campers found you by the pier drugged to hell in just boxers, and from the looks of the campsite, I think you were sexually assaulted last night,” the young woman in front of him said with a deep frown. Roman wanted to throw up. Ethan had used him. Someone he thought he could trust. Someone he loves. And Ethan probably knew his secret, too. Oh, god.

“Hey! It’ll be okay. Just get some rest. You can answer questions later.” Elizabeth made her way to the door of the infirmary before turning at the door. “Someone’s been waiting to see you since the news got out. Would you like me to let him in?” Roman nodded half heartedly. He heard a person greet the nurse before heading over. Ro didn’t look up to see who it was, preferring to pick at his fingernails instead.

A rough hand clasped at his face and ripped his gaze up. A muffled scream escaped Roman’s mouth as he locked eyes with Ethan, who had intense fire in his eyes. “You’d better not tell a soul that it was me, or your little secret will be let out, tranny whore!” Roman fought against Ethan’s grasp, but was still too weak from being drugged. “I hope I’ve made myself clear. If I hear a word about this little exchange, either, I have some pretty outing evidence to show the camp. You’re my bitch now, Patrick.”

Ethan ripped his hand away from Ro’s face and stormed out of the infirmary, leaving a panicked Roman in the bed. Oh no. This was worse than he’d thought. He had two options: he could tell everything to Elizabeth and be subsequently outed as trans to everyone in the camp, or he could do whatever Ethan said and keep his gender identity a secret. Neither was good. Roman shoved his face into the thin pillow and cried himself back to sleep, as if he hadn’t gotten enough already.

-

January, 2008

Roman wrung his hands a few times before stepping courageously into his parents’ office. He could do this. He swung his ponytail over his shoulder and adjusted his cargo shorts and T-shirt.

His mom was the first to notice his appearance. “Oh, Rosie! What happened to your dress?”

“She’s just changed, honey. She probably didn’t want to feel the lace anymore,” his father said, typing away at his computer.

“I wanted to talk to you and Mom about something important, Daddy. I… I, uh… Nevermind, it’s stupid.” Roman turned back and began to exit the office, but his mom stopped him mid-step.

“Rosalina, you can tell us anything; you know that. What’s wrong, honey?” Mrs. Patrick clicked her laptop closed and prompted her husband to do the same. Slowly, Roman turned to them, his sneakers squeaking on the wood floor slightly.

“I’m a boy!” Roman blurted out. “I don’t want you to call me a girl anymore. I want to be called Roman, not Rosalina or Rosie. And more importantly,” Roman pulled a pair of kitchen shears from one of his many pockets and raised them, chopping his entire ponytail off and letting it fall to the floor. “I don’t want to look like a girl anymore. I am a prince, not a princess.”

His parents sat with astonished looks on their faces. Oh, Roman had messed up. He had taken his dramatics too far for once. His parents were going to be angry at him, and he’d never be called what he was. He’d be Rosalina forever.

“Alright, Roman. Welcome to the family.” His mother smiled brightly at him. There was no malice in her eyes, nor in his father’s.

“You know, Ro, I’ve always wanted a son. And you’re strong; you’ll be so good in the boy’s gymnastics league.” Mr. Patrick stood and scooped his son into his arms, hugging him tightly.

Roman Patrick had been born.

Roman was so excited to go in to school on Monday and tell everyone that he was a boy and his name was Roman. He was practically bouncing out of his seatbelt on the ride there. He ran into the school, barely saying goodbye to his mom, and skidded into his second grade classroom.

“Good morning, Rosie! How are you doing?” Mrs. Zander, the second grade teacher, greeted warmly.

“Actually, my name is Roman now, and I’m a boy!” Roman sat in his normal seat, but taped a piece of paper with “Roman” drawn on it with red crayon over his “Rosie” nameplate. Mrs. Zander looked at him, confused, but nodded. She went to her phone and made a few calls, looking quite serious, before going to everything in the room with “Rosie” on it and replacing it with a “Roman” label.

Students began to file in, many commenting on Ro’s new short haircut, to which he’d always respond, “I’m Roman now ‘cause I’m a boy!”

They looked at him as if he’d grown another head, but moved on without further comment. With each child, Roman’s enthusiasm lessened until he finally just gave up. Mrs. Zander made an announcement about Roman, and the kids just laughed. They got scolded, sure, but that didn’t stop them.

“Look at Rosie just wanting to get closer to the boys!”

“Rosie you can’t just decide to be a boy! You’re always gonna be a girl!”

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore, Rosie. You’re a liar!”

This continued for weeks. Finally, Roman couldn’t handle any more and just begged his parents to take him out of school. Within a few days, they’d transferred him into an elementary school an hour away and moved into a temporary apartment near it.

Roman walked into his new school nervously, taking his time to get to his new locker to put his stuff away.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” a student asked. He wore a black polo and thick-rimmed glasses. It was the textbook nerd look.

“Um, yeah. I’m Roman,” he replied, then to clarify: “I’m a boy.”

“Alright. My name is Logan, and I am also a boy. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” And then Logan walked off.

(Roman totally had a crush on the nerdy second grader, but he wouldn’t realize it for a long time.)

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Correct name and pronoun usage by everyone and new friends left and right. It was amazing! He didn’t get the opportunity to talk to Logan that day, and little did he know that he’d become too intimidated by the cute boy to talk to him, but he was still grateful for his first “friend.”

Summer, 2014

Roman spent two more months bending to Ethan’s every whim to protect his skin. It didn’t feel like protection, though. He felt disgusted in himself. But he couldn’t go through the rejection and hatred that followed telling someone you’re transgender.

Slowly, he withdrew from most of his camp friends, not allowing them to touch him, and then simply not talking to them. Each time Ethan’s fingers found their way across Roman’s bare skin, he felt like throwing up. It’s better this way, he told himself. It wasn’t.

No one found out. No one ever knew. No one felt the pain.

No one but Roman.

Chapter Text

September 23, 2015

Roman shut his locker door, clicking the lock closed, and turned to walk to his first block class. He only made it a few feet before someone called his name.

“Roman! Hey, wait up!” He turned and found Audrey, the student council president, running towards him. She handed him a small card and smiled. “You’re invited to my homecoming after party. I hope you’ll be there.” With a wink, she was gone.

As much as Roman feigned popularity, he never actually got asked to parties. But he was excited! This was his first high school party, for goodness sake! His eyes scanned the invitation and immediately saw “One additional person allowed with each guest.” Roman weaved through the hallway, his short stature paying off, and made his way to Logan’s first class.

“Lo! I got invited to a party!” Ro whisper yelled to Logan. The other teen, who was engrossed in a book, nodded.

“That’s wonderful, Roman. And why are you telling me about this?”

Roman groaned and snatched the book from his friend. “Because I want you to come with me!”

Logan looked up at his, quirking his eyebrow. “You want me to accompany you to a party? Are you serious? Roman, you know that it isn’t nice to play practical jokes on your friends.”

“Of course I’m serious!” Roman sighed in exasperation. “I know it’s not really your thing, but Patton’s busy on Homecoming night and I don’t want to go alone! Pleaaaaassseeeeeeeeeeee?” The one thing that could truly get Logan to bend was Roman’s whining voice. Well, that and when Roman climbed on Logan’s 5’11” frame with monkey-like skills.

“Fine. Just stop that incessant noise making! I’m assuming that normal curfew applies and that we’re going to need a ride?” Logan put his space bookmark in his book—Alice in Wonderland; go figure—and engaged fully on his friend.

“Yeah. Would your mom be okay with it?” Roman bounced excitedly on the balls of his feet. He really wanted to go to this party.

“I’ll ask when I get home.” The two minute warning bell rang, and Logan gestured to the door. “You might want to leave now, Roman. Word History is quite far.”

October 3, 2015

This whole inviting Logan to the party thing definitely hadn’t been an excuse to spend a whole day with him. Of course not. That would be a ridiculous idea…

Logan ended up wearing a black button up, black slacks, and a light blue tie. It was hardly different from his everyday wear, but it was slightly more snazzy. Roman wore a white button up and a red tie, which he claimed was what a prince would wear, and dusted some pretty white hilighter on his cheekbones. It was subtle enough to pass as natural, but enhanced his face just enough to make Roman excited.

At six pm exactly, the two teens made their way down the stairs, mer with an eager Mrs. Patrick. “You boys just look so nice! Oh, I’m so proud of you, Roman! You’ve come so far!” Roman laughed nervously, but gave his mother a big hug.

“Yeah, Mom. I have.”

For most of the Homecoming dance, Roman danced with assorted friends from Drama, occasionally dragging Logan into the fray. As soon as he dance ended, Roman changed into some more casual clothes for the party (Logan had refused to bring any extras for himself), and they waited for Mrs. Christiansen to pick them up.

Logan’s mom made sure to outline what the plan was. They’d be dropped off at the party at 10:30, have three hours to do whatever it is that kids do at parties as long as it’s legal, and then they’d be picked up between 1:30 and 2:00. Which, honestly, was far more time than Roman had thought that they would get. Mrs. Christiansen, being a doctor, was always worrying about Logan not being one of the horrific ER cases of teenagers in drunk driving accidents.

Once they’d arrived, Roman practically threw himself out of the car. His sneakers hit the sidewalk with a quiet thump, and Logan’s clacking shoes followed suit. They made their way to the door and knocked. A wave of sound hit them as soon as someone answered. Booming bass and piercing treble accosted their ears, and suddenly Roman was glad he had brought ear plugs for himself and Logan.

“Roman!” Audrey slurred, clearly already drunk. “And your sexy friend. Glad you two could make it.”

“Yeah…” Roman hesitated. They stood awkwardly for a moment before Audrey finally moved out of the way to make room for them to squeeze their way in. Logan dodged some sort of groping motion from Audrey, looking for safety in Roman. They might have gotten themselves a tad bit in over their heads.

The duo sat on the stairs for a few minutes before Roman heard a song he enjoyed, jumping up and making his way into the pool of dancing bodies. Logan sighed, tapping at his phone absently. He had expected something like this to happen, but he didn’t want to leave Roman alone at a party. He didn’t trust people like Patton did.

Roman, on the other hand, grabbed a cup from a table of snacks and drank. The drink stung as it went down, but it settled nicely and gave him a bit of warmth on the frigid October night. He had no idea what he was drinking, but he continued to down the entire cup in the next five minutes.

Less than an hour later, Roman’s head felt completely clear, though he stumbled a bit as he made his way through the crowd. Logan observed his friend drunkenly flirting with a lamp, which was quite funny, but worried him slightly. He hadn’t even seen Roman drinking, but he was supposed to be protecting Roman. Lo sighed and looked back at his phone. Roman would be fine. He always was.

Roman sat in an armchair at the corner of the living room. He was happy and free and everything just felt right.

A boy he didn’t recognize approached him and shouted over the loud music. “You look really great tonight!”

“Thanks!” Roman shouted back, a light blush dusting his cheeks. “What’s your name?”

“Cal! And you are?”

“Roman!”

“Well, Roman,” Cal started with a charming smile. “Would you like to dance with me?”

Roman nodded and suddenly they were dancing. He could feel the heat from Cal’s body radiating through his thin T-shirt. At any other time, Ro would be afraid of what other people were thinking, but everyone here was drunk out of their minds. Not a single person would pay mind to the gay kid dancing with a random guy at a party.

Now Roman was being led back to the chair he’d sat in just a bit ago. He felt his back press against the wall, and he glanced up to see Cal gazing hungrily at him. He should be afraid; he knows that look isn’t anything good, but he didn’t care. Ro threw all his worries behind him as he reached up and kissed Cal.

Logan nearly had dozed off on the stairs when he saw a flash of red cross the room. He focused in on the smudge of color and saw Roman being led to a secluded corner of the room by a stranger. Logan jumped up; his protective instincts were kicking in. He’d been so stupid to think that Roman could handle himself while drunk. He knew the effects that alcohol could have on people, and he should’ve intervened when he saw Roman flirting with a fucking lamp!

Weaving his way through the mass of people, Logan mumbled quick apologies to the couples “dancing” and pushed forward. Finally, he reached where Roman was, but the sight Logan saw froze him in place.

Roman’s hands were casually slung around the stranger’s neck, and the two were making out with passion. The stranger's hands snaked their way up Roman’s shirt, touching his bare back. The stranger made a move to go in the direction of the stairs, and that’s what finally forced Logan out of his trance.

Anger, worry, and another mystery feeling bubbled up in Logan. He pushed the stranger away and took Roman by the hand, dragging his small friend up the stairs and into the first bathroom he could find. He guided Roman in, only turning to lock the door behind them, before facing his friend, who was now sitting cross legged on the floor and playing with the hem of his pants.

“Roman, what were you thinking? You don’t even know that guy! He could have—and probably did—malicious intent!” Logan whispered worriedly, kneeling down before Roman. He took his friend into his arms and nearly squeezed the life out of him.

Roman spoke up as soon as Logan let go. “I wasn’t thinking… I was just so caught up in the fact that someone liked me. It was stupid.” Tears began to trail down Ro’s face, staining his delicate features with a harsh, wet glare. “You’re just so good to me, Logan! And I’ve done nothing but hurt you! I’m a terrible friend.” Roman was practically wailing, throwing his head into his hands.

“What? Roman, that’s not—“

“I’ve been lying to you—and Pat, for fuck’s sake—since we met. I just didn’t want to lose you like I lost everyone else! I’m just… I’m a girl.” Logan stayed completely silent, not wanting to interrupt whatever his friend was saying. Ro shook his head and corrected himself. “No, that’s not right. I was born a girl.”

After processing the information for a few moments, Logan spoke. “You’re transgender, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m trans. I started transitioning just before I moved to Westview. But the kids at my school bullied me for pretending to be a boy, and it just got to be too much for me to handle. We moved here, and I had a completely fresh start. I didn’t have to tell anyone that I was a boy now, just that I was a boy.”

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

“I didn’t want to lose you two, or worse… Or…” Roman’s words broke into a harsh sob, and Logan reached to grab Ro’s hand as reassurance. “Just before freshman year, one of the boys at my summer camp sexually assaulted me.” Logan opened his mouth, but he was cut off immediately. “I know that you know, but you don’t know the full story. I always knew who assaulted me. But I lied. I told the counselors and the police that I had no idea who it could be, and they gave up looking after a while. The boy who assaulted me found out I was trans after the first time, and he blackmailed me with it. He used it to make me feign his innocence and to… He made me have sex with him throughout the rest of the summer. I never wanted to, but I had got it into my mind that it was for the best. I didn’t want to have to deal with the rejection of everyone finding out I was trans. He is the prime example of what I didn’t want to happen, and it solidified my case for not telling you guys. I look at my body in the mirror and want to throw up because I remember all the terrible things I’ve done. I hate myself.”

Logan wiped at the tears running down his face. He had never even imagined all the pain that Roman had gone through; it had all been hidden so well. He could have been here for Roman, helping him through his emotional struggles, and yet he was completely useless! And it was made even worse with the knowledge that Roman wouldn’t be saying all of this except for the fact that he was drunk.

“Roman, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry that you had to live through all of that. I’m an idiot for not seeing the signs,” Lo whispered, tracing circles in the back of Roman’s hand with his thumb.

“I hid it well. I don’t have all those acting awards for nothing, Lo.” Roman’s laugh echoed in the tiled space. It was a ruse, for sure, and it cracked down like the ceramic in the shower. Ro finally let all of his emotions out, ones that he’d kept in for years and years. The two friends embraced once more until Roman’s sobs ceased, and he was gently sleeping on Logan’s shoulder.

Logan pulled out his phone. Shit. His mom had been here for ten minutes. He shot her a quick text, and scooped Roman up into his arms. He quickly but carefully made his way down the stairs and through the mob of people, quickly grabbing his and Roman’s jackets before running outside. His mom was, thankfully, parked right outside, and he easily was able to dump Roman in the back seat and slide in next to him.

Mrs. Christiansen gave Logan a worried look. “Don’t worry, Mom. Ro just had a panic attack, and he fell asleep due to emotional exhaustion. He’ll be fine by morning.” She gave up trying to find out more and drove them back to the safety of the Christiansen household.

May, 2017 [sometime in the weeks following prom]

“Roman, you’ve been putting it off for weeks now. Virgil isn’t going to make fun of you for being trans,” Logan coaxed, pushing his boyfriend toward the Shea’s house. “And if he does, I’ll personally kick his ass.”

“I just don’t want to risk it, babe. What if he doesn’t say anything but he gives me the look? What do I do then? This could ruin his and Patton’s relationship, and Pat’s finally found someone he’s happy with! I don’t want to do that to him, Lo!” Roman pleaded, trying to turn back towards the car.

But Logan had already thought this through. The front door swung open, and Virgil stepped into the warm Florida air. “You wanted to tell me something, Knight in Shining Converse?”

Roman froze, slowly turning to face the emo disaster on the front stoop. “Uh… Yeah?”

“What’s up?” Virgil asked calmly, noticing the tension built up in Roman and acting accordingly.

“I’m, uh… transgender… So, like, I was born a girl, and now I’m a boy.” Roman stuttered his way through the explanation, knowing that it was probably unnecessary, but not really able to get out of it.

“Cool. Is that all you guys wanted? Cause Patton and I are watching Big Hero 6, and I kinda want to get back to it. You guys are welcome to join us, too.”

“That would be fantastic.”