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Jared sat on his bed browsing the internet. His parents were either in the living room watching a movie, or already in bed. Not that he cared. He was content to be in his own world, especially now that he was over the Connor Project.
After his fight with Evan, he considered himself officially out of the group, which was just fine with him. Evan had gotten the attention he no doubt always wanted, and now he must feel on top of the world. Jared had to admit, he had been surprised to hear Evan yell at him, but he assumed it was the influence of his “new family”. They did, after all, raise Connor.
Earlier that day, he had felt content to never see Evan again, but after some time to think, and a situation with the “president” of the Connor Project, he resolved to make up with Evan at school on Monday. Even though he was still a bit angry, he didn’t want to lose Evan’s friendship completely. So, he would just have to swallow his pride and hope Evan cooled down enough by the end of the weekend.
But until then, he was content with where he was now. Just relaxing, not a care in the world, the events of the last few months behind him.
And then his phone rang.
Jared groaned when he saw the caller ID. Speak of the devil… It was Evan. It looked like he would be able to work it out sooner than expected. Reluctantly, he answered the phone.
“Hey Evan…” he said. Jared could hear heavy breathing on the other end, and remembered how much Evan hated talking on the phone. Well this should be nice and awkward… he thought with disdain.
His thoughts were interrupted by Evan, who was saying something in a strained voice. “I… I’m sorry. I’m s-s-so sorry…” Evan was stuttering, and possibly crying?
Jared rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, well, you should be sorry Evan.” he took a breath. This was not the time. If he wanted this to work out he would have to be patient. Evan was apologizing after all. Not that he wasn’t always saying sorry for something…
“J-Jared, I… I didn’t… I’m sorry. I took too many-” Evan cut off with a sob.
Jared was confused now. “What? What do you mean?” he asked, not sure if he even heard right.
Evan took several breathes and tried to answer. “My… M-my pills. I took too many, I… oh god Jared, I’m sorry. I didn’t…” he trailed off
Jared suddenly stood up. His hands started to shake, and his brain started to work overtime, so many thoughts swirling through his head at once.
“You what? Evan… What did you do?” he asked with dread.
Evan only sobbed in response, but to Jared’s horror, his cries began to grow faint.
“Are you at home Evan?” Jared asked. He only heard a slight “Mmhmm…” in response, although it was quiet.
“Okay.” Jared ran out of his room and stumbled to the front door. “I’m coming over there. It’s okay, just stay awake Evan! Please…” Jared could feel a few tears run down his cheek, and he wiped them away. Evan wasn’t talking to him anymore, but he could hear Evan’s faint breathing still. “How many did you take?” he asked, not knowing if he would get a response.
What he heard next was barely a whisper. “Mmmmmm… um, all of it.”
Jared’s stomach dropped at Evan’s words, and he took a shaky breath, trying to keep his hands steady on the steering wheel. “Oh my god Evan…” he started, before trailing off and dialing 911 on his phone.
“911, what is your emergency?” asked an operator.
Jared tried to speak, but an unexpected teary gasp escaped him. He took a breath and tried again. “Um, I think m-my friend overdosed… He said he took too many pills and he sounded… Like he was gonna p-pass out..”
The operator asked for the address and Jared gave them Evan’s. He hung up when he was assured that help was coming, just as he sped into Evan’s driveway. He jumped out of the car and thew open the door. Thank god it wasn’t locked. Jared bounded up the stairs to Evan’s bedroom and stopped in the doorway.
Up until then, there was apart of him that hoped to anything that this all a sick nightmare, and he would wake up, but he knew at that moment there was no way his brain could come up with something so absolutely terrifying, and it took his breath away.
Evan was slumped up against his bed, half curled up, and breathing raggedly. An empty bottle of pills lay next to him. God, Evan’s face would never leave Jared’s mind. He was so pale, and his eyes were slightly open, but they stared at nothing.
Jared let out a small whimper as he stumbled over to his friend and sank down to his level. He tried to get Evan to look at him, but he was completely out of it. Jared’s vision started to blur from his tears. He quickly stood and looked out the window, wondering when help would arrive.
He saw movement out of the corner of his eye and quickly turned around to see if Evan was coming out of it, only to see him convulsing.
Jared gasped and rushed over to him. “Evan? What should I… I don’t know what to do!” he cried. He tried laying Evan on his back, and the convulsing soon stopped. Jared gave a sigh of relief, before his hand flew to his mouth in horror… Evan. wasn’t. Breathing
“Nononono… No, please… Evan!” He was panicking. Should I make him throw up? Try CPR? Oh my god… he’s literally dying right in front of me…
Jared thought desperately. He had to do something! With his whole body shaking, Jared moved over to Evan and started chest compressions… those safety classes didn’t seem so lame now. Then he tried to get Evan to breath by giving him mouth to mouth. During movies, he always made dirty jokes watching scenes like this, but it was so horrible right now that he could barely breathe himself. He was also sobbing while doing it. Jared rarely cried, but the tears were flowing without restraint.
Evan, please breathe. BREATHE! Come on… I’m so sorry...
After probably less than a minute, Evan was breathing again, but now his face was starting to turn gray. Jared continued to watch him. Sure enough, Evan’s breathing stopped again, and Jared fought desperately to bring him back.
Suddenly, he was startled by the sounds of shouting coming from downstairs. Jared jumped to his feet and ran to the doorway “Up here!” he screamed through his tears.
There were sounds of boots pounding up the stairs before the paramedics ran in.
“Please don’t let him…” he began to cry, but he couldn’t finish. Evan was laid on a stretcher and an oxygen mask was put on his face. Jared backed up against the wall and sank to the floor. He could barely focus now, and his hands were shaking so badly that he had to clench his fists. He was able to get himself together enough to ask the paramedics if he could ride in the ambulance, to which they agreed.
In the ambulance, Jared fought the urge to faint, and shakily held Evan’s cold hand. He drowned out the shouts of the paramedics and just focused on Evan’s face. He had heard about the unique look of death, and he was sure it looked a lot like that. Another image permanently ingrained in his mind.
After a ride that seemed far too long, they arrived at the hospital. They asked him what Evan had overdosed on, and Jared could only say it was some type of anxiety medication. Evan was wheeled into ICU, while Jared sat numbly in a cold chair in the waiting room.
He tried to call Evan’s mom, but there was no answer. He called the Murphys, no answer. He called his own parents, and even Alana, but no one answered. He put down his phone and put his head in his hands.
How did this happen? Did Evan do this… On purpose? No, Evan wasn’t… Jared raised his head with a sharp intake of breath. Evan wrote a letter to himself that was mistaken for a suicide note…
Jared pulled up the Connor Project on his phone and went to the newest post. He had already talked about the contents with Alana, but he hadn’t read the “note” himself. Jared’s eyes widened as he took in the words on the screen.
How… He had been by Evan’s side through this entire scheme and never once had it gotten through his thick skull what it meant that Evan had written a note like this. How did I never…
Jared put his phone away and wrapped his arms around himself. I’m so sorry Evan… he thought as he lowered his head.
There was something shaking Jared’s shoulder, and he tiredly raised his head. He didn’t even remember dozing off. He looked up and saw a doctor looking at him.
“Excuse me, are you with Evan Hansen?” the doctor asked.
Jared jumped up from the chair and nodded. “Yes, he’s my friend. Is he… Okay?” Jared was almost afraid to ask. He searched the doctor’s face to see whether it would be good news… or bad news. The doctor’s face, however, remained neutral.
“He’s going to be fine. We were able to get the medicine out of his system in time, thanks to how quickly you called it in.” the doctor said.
Jared looked down and ran his hand through his hair, breathing a sigh of relief.
The doctor put his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “He’s still unconscious right now, but he’ll wake up soon, so I can take you to his room if you want.”
Jared nodded and followed the doctor to Evan’s room. He walked in, and his gaze fell on Evan laying in the hospital bed. There was no longer a oxygen mask on him, but he did have an IV, and he was connected to a heart monitor, which to Jared’s relief, was beeping at a steady pace.
Jared took a seat beside the bed and watched Evan closely. After about a minute of waiting, he took out his phone and tried again to call Evan’s mom, but she didn’t answer. This time he left a message, knowing she would probably get back from her classes or whatever pretty soon. He checked to see if anyone else had tried to contact him and ended up checking other things too.
It was probably about ten minutes later that Jared noticed some movement. He quickly put his phone away and looked Evan, just in time to see his eyes flutter open.
After a few seconds, Evan started to look very confused, and Jared saw his eyes slowly move around the room until they met his own. Evan blinked, and opened his mouth to talk, but all that came out was a hoarse stutter before he coughed.
“Hey, it’s okay buddy…” Jared said softly, the current tone of his voice feeling kind of foreign to him. “You’re gonna be okay, but you should probably rest your throat.”
Evan nodded slowly, but still looked confused. Jared sighed. “Do you remember how you got here?” he asked.
Evan looked to be in thought for few moments, before his eyes widened slightly. He looked at Jared and nodded his head. “J-Jared, I…” Evan started in a quiet voice. “I’m so s-”
He was cut off by Jared throwing his arms around Evan. He pulled him close and let out a broken sob.
“Oh my god Evan, I’m t-the one who should be s-sorry!” Jared cried. “I pushed you away so much t-that I couldn’t see h-how much you were h-hurting!” he sucked in a breath. “You could’ve… DIED, and I… it was all m-my f-fault!”
Evan, who had initially been shocked at Jared’s hug and him crying, somehow found the strength to return the hug, wrapping his arms around Jared. “No, it’s not your fault!” he whispered. “I’m the one who dug myself into such a deep hole…” he stopped, feeling emotion bubbling over and not wanting to cry.
“But I’m the one who gave you the shovel!” Jared cried. “I’m never t-there for you when you need me…”
Evan pulled back from Jared and looked into his eyes. “But… You’re here now.” he stated plainly.
Jared stared into Evan’s blue eyes. They looked slightly dull, and glistened with tears, but had a certain glow that he could only describe as… Hope. Jared smiled, and through his tears, let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I’m here, and I promise.” he grabbed Evan’s hands. “I’ll always be here for you. From now on, you’ve got me.”
For a few moments, they stayed that way. Jared continued to look into Evan’s eyes, and the dullness was slowly overtaken by that glow. Evan looked down, and Jared felt him close his hands around his own, their fingers becoming interlaced.
“Thank you…” Evan whispered.
Jared nodded, and he could feel a slight smile forming on his lips. Then Evan pulled his hands away from Jared’s, and before he could react, wrapped his arms around Jared’s waist and leaned in. Jared returned the hug, and he felt Evan release a teary breath, as if he had been holding it for some time. Evan let his head fall lightly on Jared’s shoulder, and when he began to softly weep, Jared rubbed his back with gentle, soothing motions.
“Shhh… It’s okay. You’re okay Evan.” Jared whispered. Evan’s crying slowed down, but he stayed in Jared’s arms, now exhausted.
Hearing a sharp intake of air behind him, Jared turned his head and saw Heidi, Evan’s mother, standing in the doorway. She had her hand covering her mouth, and looked like she had ran all the way from her class. Jared moved his arms to make Evan aware of her presence, but he had already seen her.
“Hi mom…” he said, sitting up. Jared could hear the guilt in his voice. Heidi walked into the room and wrapped her arms around Evan. Jared noticed the way she held onto him like he would disappear any second, and realized that was exactly how he had felt moments ago. He watched as she held Evan’s face in her hands, and tears began to roll down her cheeks.
Jared suddenly felt out of place, and quietly slipped out of the room. He was thinking about how he was going to get home, when his phone rang. “Hello?” he asked after answering it.
“Jared! Are you okay? You called me three times!” Alana’s worried voice answered him.
“Oh yeah, sorry. I just… Well Evan had to go to the hospital, and I couldn’t get ahold of anyone, so…” Jared started to explain, but then Alana interrupted.
“What?! What happened, is he okay?” now she sounded really worried.
Jared didn’t know if Evan wanted anyone to know, so he answered her second question. “Yeah, he’s okay now. His mom just got here, so I think I’ll just call an uber and go home.”
“Nonsense, I’ll come pick you up!” Alana said confidently. “You’re at North Memorial, right?”
“Well, yeah but you don’t have to-”
“Too late, I’m already on my way. It’d be more of an inconvenience to say no now.” she said, sounding chipper. “I’ll be there in ten, bye!” and then she hung up.
Jared sighed and took a seat in one of the waiting room chairs, realizing it hadn’t even been an hour since he had thought Evan was going to die. His hands were still shaking, but his breathing was finally returning to normal.
Unsurprisingly, Alana arrived right on time. Jared climbed into her car, and they pulled out of the hospital parking lot and onto the road. When Alana asked where he wanted to go, Jared thought about going back to Evan’s to get his car, but then he realized that he just wanted to go home.
They sat in silence for a minute, before Alana glanced at Jared and said, “You know, I took your advice and apologized to the Murphys. Apparently they got more hate for Connor’s note than I thought. Some people even contacted them personally…”
Jared nodded, but remained silent.
“But when I apologized, they were very understanding.” Alana continued. “But… they told me that the note wasn’t written by Connor.”
At this, Jared turned to Alana in shock. “W-wait, what?” he stammered.
Alana nodded. “Yeah, Evan told them that he made it all up. The note, their friendship… Everything! I couldn’t believe it… But somehow, it all makes sense now.” she sighed.
Jared was still trying to process what she was telling him. Evan had gone to the Murphys and told them the the truth. He had to have done it today, so Evan told them, went home, and then he… Jared was beginning to feel sick again. Was it because of what Jared said that Evan told them? Maybe all of this was his fault after all…
“Jared? Are you listening to me?” Alana interrupted thoughts, and Jared saw that she was glancing at him, looking concerned, while still trying to keep her eyes on the road.
“Oh, sorry. I was just thinking. What were you saying?” he asked.
Alana shook her head. “I stayed and talked with the Murphy family for awhile. Zoe especially… She was angry, sad, hurt, they all were. I just can’t believe Evan would do that.”
Jared suddenly got defensive. “Hey, we’re no better! We all got involved with the Connor Project, and none of us really knew him.”
Alana opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it, and looked thoughtful for a minute. “Yeah, but we didn’t forge emails, and a suicide note!” she finally said.
Jared was about to admit to admit to his involvement with the emails, but then he heard her second defense and became angry. “Evan didn’t forge a suicide note! He wrote that to himself for therapy and Connor stole it!” he blurted out without thinking.
He could see Alana’s eyes widen, and before he could regret what he just said, Alana processed the shocking information. “Wait… What?!” she squeaked.
Jared sighed. “Evan had to write letters to himself about what a great day he’s having, like a pep talk. He… Obviously wasn’t having a good day, so he wrote that note. Connor stole it, and it was in his pocket when he…” Jared didn’t finish. He couldn’t.
Alana drove in silence, taking it all in. Jared had no idea how she was taking it, or what she was thinking. Then, in a quiet voice that even he knew was uncharacteristic for her, she asked, “Jared… Why is Evan at the hospital?”
Jared looked away, and even though he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, his reaction was all Alana needed to confirm what conclusion she came to.
“What is happening?” she asked. “Two people now have tried to…” Alana stopped, not being able to continue without tears coming to her eyes. “And I have no doubt that there are others, just at our school who are hurting too.”
Jared nodded. Honestly, he’d be surprised if there was any teenager out there who wasn’t hurting in some way.
“I guess I get now why the Murphys decided not to expose Evan…” Alana muttered.
Jared was surprised. “They’re not?” he asked.
Alana shook her head. “Zoe said that everyone needed the Connor Project for something. I didn’t really understand what that meant until now.”
“Yeah. I guess they’re a lot nicer than I thought.” said Jared. When Alana glanced at him curiously, he shrugged. “I just… With Connor and everything, and then when I just found out why Evan… I don’t know, everything’s messed up!”
“Can’t disagree with you there.” Alana remarked.
Jared sighed. “I just can’t help but feel it’s all my fault…” he whispered.
Alana gasped. “What?! How is any of this your fault?!”
“Because if I had been a better friend, Evan wouldn’t have felt this… Alone! If I had noticed sooner that something was wrong, I could’ve done something before it got this bad! And if I hadn’t said those things to Connor, he wouldn’t have killed himself!”
He stopped, getting choked up now. He couldn’t bare to look at Alana, but he tensed when he felt her hand rest lightly on his shoulder.
“Jared, you can’t be held responsible for other people’s actions.” Alana said quietly. “You may have said bad things to Connor, and yeah, it was wrong, but Connor was dealing with things none of us knew about.”
“But-” Jared started, but Alana continued.
“If you blame yourself, then the Murphys are just as responsible. They lived with him, and just as well should’ve seen that he was hurting. What about the teachers? Everyone at school who ignored him, or feared him? What about Evan? He was the last person at school to see Connor, was he to blame?”
Jared clenched his fists. “No, of course not!”
“Then you’re not to blame either.” she argued. “And it’s the same with Evan. You can’t blame yourself for things you didn’t do or didn’t see. That doesn’t help anyone! All we can do is be there now that we know. We missed our chance with Connor, but Evan’s still here.”
Alana suddenly froze, and then turned to Jared. “He is, right?”
Jared couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, he’s okay. I told him that… Wait, did you say we?”
Alana nodded, that confidence of hers returning with a vengeance. “Oh yes, Evan’s gonna need support from his friends and family, and well, even though I’m only an acquaintance…”
Jared laughed. “You’re much more than than an acquaintance Alana, to me and Evan.” He said it without hesitation, but Alana’s eyes widened.
After a a moment of silence, Alana glanced at him, as if trying to see if he was being sincere. “You really mean that?” she said, as if she couldn’t believe it.
Jared, suddenly being the confident one, nodded. “Of course! We’ve hung out, I’ve given you advice, you’ve given me advice, I enjoy your company, you enjoy mine… I hope… I mean, what else would a friendship be? Unless you want me to borderline bully you with insults like I did to Evan, but honestly I’d like to think I’m done with that sort of thing…”
He stopped when he heard Alana sniffle. He looked at her in horror, think he had somehow hurt her feelings. Way to go Jared… He thought.
“Wow, I didn’t know you guys thought of me as your friend.” Alana said, sounding very happy. “I always wanted to be, but I don’t ever want to assume… So I just call everyone my acquaintances until they change it, but it hardly ever happens.” she laughed. “I guess that’s why I have so many acquaintances.”
Jared felt bad for Alana, suddenly wondering if she was hurting at some level. “Well, I consider you a friend Alana, and I’m 99% sure Evan does too, and he’s gonna need a lot of those.”
“Well, you can count me in!” declared Alana. She wiped her eyes and smiled brightly. “The Evan support group is ready to go, and maybe I can some people together-”
“Uh, Alana?” Jared interrupted. “Maybe just being there for him is enough for now. Evan actually isn’t a big fan of being the center of attention, especially with something like this I’d guess.”
“Oh, right. Got it! I’ll just be his friend…” Alana said, and then paused. “Maybe an Evan friend club?” she asked, with a hint of playful sarcasm.
Jared laughed, because of humor, for the first time in a long awhile. “Sure, but only if I can be the president.”
Alana looked thoughtful. “Only if I’m treasurer.” she finally said with a wink.
“Deal.” Jared said playfully.
The two laughed, and then Jarred realized they were pulling up to his house. He looked at Alana, wanted to talk with her a bit longer, but he also wanted to sleep for an eternity. He chose the latter.
“Well, thanks again for driving me home” he said, unbuckling his seatbelt.
“Oh it was no trouble. Anything for a… Friend.” the word rolled off her tongue and Jared could tell that she enjoyed saying it.
Jared gave a thumbs up and promised Alana that he would call if he or Evan needed anything before school on Monday. He walked up to his house and quietly unlocked the door, knowing that his parent were asleep by now. Before going inside, he turned around gave a little wave to Alana, who waved back. Then he went into his house and closed the door.
Somehow, Jared made it to his bed before flopping down taking a deep breath. It was hard to believe how quickly everything changed. He always heard about those moments that change your life, and you can never go back to the way you were before. But in this case, he didn’t want to go back. He felt a little bad about his positive self improvement resulting from something so terrible, but as his eyes began to close and he drifted off to sleep, he was determined to help Evan, so that his life could be better too.