Work Text:
I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend
But I am
You curl up in the giant stone statue. There’s hollow places in it where Dirk’s body is shielding all of you and there’s a void where you can curl in against Dave’s shoulder and face. The real Dave is under Roxy’s supervision right now so you don’t need to worry. You flick your awareness over to him and feel his slow pulse through the sensors on his shades, he’s asleep.
You reach out and touch stone Dave’s face under his shades and sniff to yourself. You can still hear the voice in your head saying that you’re just an electronic tool, not a person. You are a person, a real one. You are. Dave always said you were, ever since he first spoke to you he told you that you were real. That you weren’t just Dirk, that you weren’t just a program. Your boy gave you an identity, a real body, he loves you. You’re real.
You consider waking him up to get his reassurance that at least he thinks you’re real but you won’t disturb him like that. Dave’s depression keeps swinging him between oversleeping and not sleeping at all and you’re worried that disrupting his rest might take back the progress that he’s made. He has made some, he’s getting better, he’s healing.
“Hey, get out of there Hal.” Dirk shouts up at you.
You squirm around in the void spaces of the statue, pulling your tail in and turning around so you can poke your head outside. Dirk is standing down on the ground glaring up at you.
“No.” you tell him petulantly and slink back in.
“You’re not supposed to be in there. That statue is mine.” Dirk insists.
“Well I’m basically you, aren’t I? So I can be here too.” you grumble and slither further inside. Your tail curls around Dave’s ear to anchor you as you slink deeper inside along the line where Dirk’s shirt presses to Dave’s face and makes a solid base for you to lie on.
You hear the sound of rockets and groan, dropping your head to the marble. When you look up again Dirk is half hanging into the space inside the statue that you’re in.
“Since when do you claim to be me?” Dirk asks suspiciously.
“You’re right,” you grumble and look away from him, “I’m also an electronic guard dog too.”
Dirk stares at you and climbs in properly, resting his hand on Dave’s stone hair to steady himself.
“Did Rose say that? You know she’s… prickly lately, I’m sure she didn’t mean it if-” Dirk starts to say.
“Not Rose.” you mumble and curl up a little more.
Dirk fidgets, taking care of your feelings isn’t really anything that he’s done before. You’re mostly expecting him to make some halfhearted offer to listen if you need to talk and then back the hell out of there. He doesn’t do that, apparently your ability to predict him is getting worse.
“Who said that to you then?” he asks earnestly. Hah, maybe his land really is improving him. But then he’s human, he can improve. Not you, though.
In lieu of actually answering him you rest your hand on your arm and stroke your hand upwards, parting the feathers so he can see your soulmark like a zoetrope image as the feathers fan by.
“Your soulmate? Do you know who that is yet?” Dirk asks, clear evidence that he’s not even thought about it. That stings.
“I know three people obsessed with horses. You’re already taken and also that’s gross, then there’s Equius and Horuss and only Equius has a soulmark and his is covered in computer shit. You don’t need to have an IQ has high as mine to work it out.” you say waspishly.
“Equius? Isn’t he a bit young for you? He’s Dave’s age. But, well I suppose there’s Sollux and Roxy so…” Dirk trails off with a shrug.
“Well, gee Dirk tell me how old I am. Am I nineteen because we were twelve when you made me and we’ve both aged since then? Am I still twelve because I can’t age as a computer program or a sprite? Or am I seven because that’s how many years I’ve existed as my own person? Tell me how old I am because I have no fucking clue!” you snap angrily. Real people know how old they are, you’re not real.
“I guess… it’s a tricky thing to put your finger on. Plus you think and exist far faster than us thanks to your processing speed so maybe age isn’t a thing that makes sense to ascribe to you.” Dirk wonders aloud.
“Gee. Thanks.” you grumble and drop your face back onto the marble.
“So am I correct in guessing that you talked to him?” Dirk says eventually.
“Master of deduction.” you say bitterly without lifting your face from the rock.
“And he said…” Dirk continues.
You scowl at the detail in the marble, you can still hear Equius’ words in your head. That’s the problem with perfect recall, shit doesn’t go away.
“He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want anyone who isn’t a troll, he thinks soulmates are stupid and also I’m not real. Even if he was going to date someone who wasn’t a troll he wouldn’t date someone who’s part machine, part guard dog and part bird.” you repeat miserably.
“Ouch.” Dirk hisses between his teeth.
“He’s right, though. I’m just a knock off, just code.” you tell him softly, you can hold up your hand and look at it. With your sprite vision you can see your own code before your eyes, all matrix-y and shit.
“Can’t imagine what just being code is like. Oh, wait. GGTGGTCCCTGTGGAGCAGGT…” Dirk starts, listing off fucking genetic code. You yank the sword out of your chest and throw it at him so it hits him side on, not doing any real damage.
“Look,” Dirk says slowly as he picks up your sword and runs his finger over it. It makes you shudder because it’s still a part of you and though you can’t exactly feel that you still sort of can.
“I’m still not right with Jake. Getting there but we’re both fucking it up and… I’m no expert here is all I’m saying.” he finishes.
“I know.” you drawl, he glares at you but keeps talking.
“My point is that as far as I can tell the whole soulmate thing is all it’s cracked up to be, you do get someone that’s best for you. Someone who can handle your shit. It’s not easy and you can fuck it up but… hell you might be like Roxy and Sollux.” he muses as he turns your sword around in his hands.
“How do you mean?” you ask and sit up a little, Dirk hands your sword back.
“They’re soulmates, perfect for each other. Just not perfect right now. He’s too young and Roxy can’t deal with having someone else just yet. She needs to get shit right with Jane first, finish the game first, but you can see how they’ll work together. If Equius is your soulmate then maybe he needs to grow up first, maybe other shit needs to happen first.” Dirk suggests.
You sit up and stare at him. Was that honest advice? Genuine reassurance? Since when does he… damnit, he’s improving as a person and leaving you behind. You kind of hate him for that.
“Hey, Dirk?” you ask slowly, “What’ll happen to me when the game is over?”
Dirk opens his mouth and then freezes, seemingly realising what you mean. You’re a game construct. When a video game turns off so do all the characters in it. Dirk can leave but you can’t. Dirk swallows and grits his teeth.
“I’ll find a way to get you out of that sprite, put you back in the computer.” he says.
“Great.” you groan, back to a life of being paralysed. Unable to touch anything, feel anything, to see with your own eyes or to go anywhere you want. You won’t be able to feel Dave hug you anymore. You think you might rather be dead.
“I’ll do what what I promised before, I’ll build you a body. A sick robo bod. With the tech from this game it’ll be way easier. You’ll come with us.” Dirk vows.
Is that what Equius needs you to be before he finds you acceptable? A robot? You suppose that if you wanted to you could even slant your robot body into appearing more troll than human if that’s what he needs. It’s not like you have any particular allegiance to humans as a species. You’re not human now, you’re an AI and your family is still your family. They would remain so regardless of what body you were in. Fuck, you don’t even know if you like the guy as a person yet and you’re considering all of this.
“Do you think shit would be easier if we didn’t have soulmates? Like… if it wasn’t a thing that we knew about?” you ask running your fingers through your feathers again.
“Eh, either you know who it is and get filled with terror of fucking up your one chance with the perfect person or you go through life falling for people with no idea if they’re right for you or not. You still get doubt, uncertainty and terror, pick your poison as to what kind I guess.” Dirk muses.
You lean your back against the marble and curl your tail under you, looking at stone Dave’s face. You’re kind of jealous of Dirk’s planet, you mocked him for it at first but it genuinely seems to be helping him get over his issues. You wish you had something like that.
“I wonder if you’d made me a body before we got in if the game would have recognised me as a player.” you wonder.
“The world recognises you as a person enough to give you your own soulmate so I don’t see why not.” Dirk reasons as he shuffles to the edge of the statue and hangs his legs over. You slither over to him on your tail and walk on your hands.
“Do you think I’d be a Prince of Heart too? That I’d get the same planet?” you ask, stopping at his side and looking out at the distant other statues, though you can only really make out the one nearest you. You know about all of them, even if you can’t see them now.
“You’re not me.” Dirk says simply.
“You think I’d be a different classpect?” you ask, looking sidelong at him.
“I think… I don’t know, I’m not the one who is good at working that shit out. But I think you’d still be heart, we’re that much alike at least.” Dirk concludes.
“But not a Prince?” you guess. You know everything about the classpects but knowing yourself is hard.
“No.” Dirk says slowly, looking out into the greenish fog.
“I think… a knight.” he says finally.
A Knight of Heart?!
“You- Knights are insecure! I’m not insecure!” you squawk indignantly. They are all brimming with self doubt. Dave about his worth that he covers up with coolness, Karkat with his perceived leadership failures that he covers up with yelling and pretending to have a plan, Latula feels like she’s the wrong kind of person and covers that with laid back chill and inaction.
For you to be a Knight of Heart you would have to be insecure about your heart, either your love life or your soul. Like… your soulmate not wanting you or wondering if you’re a real person or just shitty code. God… fucking damnit. Dirk snickers to himself, seemingly reading your silence for the horrified revelation that it is.
“I’m going to push you off the statue.” you threaten him.
“Hey, some of the best people I know are knights.” Dirk says smugly and hops off onto his rocket powered surfboard.
“Well all of the Princes that I know are batshit crazy.” you sneer at him.
“That’s fair.” Dirk admits with a grin and you glare at him. That smug asshole.
He flies off, leaving you to sulk by yourself. Knight of Heart indeed.