Work Text:
He was certain / So was I / There was comfort / In her sighs / Dreams and ideas should not be the same thing / You waited smiling for this // Oh she'd want it / If she knew / She could take it / I thought too / Be careful, be cautious / But you just wished harder / You waited smiling for this // "But they love you!" / Over and over "they love you!" / Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine / Aching to find who they are / Oh they love you! / Oh you can feel how they love you! / Coated and warm but that's all they can do / Words only get through if they're sharp // Oh how fitting / For one so fake / Make me a fairy / Whatever it takes / And just like her tale my dream was a scam / Oh you waited smiling for this // I am burnt out / I smell of smoke / It seeps through her cracks and so I start to choke / Sentences sit in her mouth that are templated / You waited smiling for this //Oh I can just talk about it / Maybe I'll talk about it / I'll never talk about it / No, I cannot talk about it // Don't build hope on something broken / I am not cartoon / Cry for help / I am not joking / I might just leave soon / Don't build hope on something broken / I am not cartoon / Cry for help / I am not joking / I might just leave soon.
~Burned Out, dodie (via YouTube)
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Dan stares at his screen in shock as Final Cut Pro crashes, erasing his work completely.
"No, no no no no!" he cries, slamming his laptop shut. He buries his face in his hands, trying not to cry.
Maybe it's for the best. It was a stupid idea anyway. No one would watch it. Fuck, why do I bother? What's the point? What am I going to do if YouTube shuts down? There's no market for waffly twats like me anywhere else. Is it too late to go back to Manchester and get that bloody law degree? Fuck it, maybe I should just kill myself and spare the universe my existence.
He shouldn't be entertaining the negative side of his brain, he knows, but it's the side he knows best. It's the loudest, the one that never shuts up. It's-
"Dan." Phil's voice cuts through Dan's thoughts like a warm knife through butter, and he looks up at him, smiling weakly.
"Hi," he greets, wiping his eyes.
"Are you alright?" Phil asks gently. Dan bites his lip.
No, I'm a complete fuck up.
No, my work is garbage.
No, I'm garbage.
No, I'm ready to end my career.
No, I'm ready to pitch myself out the goddamn window.
No, everyone hates me.
No, I hate me.
"I'm fine," are the words that come out. Phil frowns, unconvinced.
"Asking was a formality," he says. "Anyone can see you're not." He kneels beside Dan so that he's eye level with the younger boy. "So don't lie to me." Dan meets Phil's eyes for half a second, and he breaks.
"I'm fucking done!" he sobs, burying his face beneath his arms. "Nothing ever goes right! I can't do this shit anymore, Phil!" Phil stands, pulling Dan into a tight embrace and letting Dan cry into his shirt.
"Ever hear the saying that everything is hard before it's easy?" Phil asks quietly. Dan nods, wiping his eyes. "It's got an unfortunate basis in truth, Daniel."
"But why?" Dan whispers, his voice catching as he looks up at Phil. "It isn't fair."
"Life never is," Phil replies simply. "It's not about fairness, though- it's about taking what you get and making the best of it."
"When did you get to be so wise?" Dan asks, poking Phil in the ribs. "Jesus Christ."
"I always was- you just don't listen," Phil jokes, but his smile is forced. "I worry about you some times, Dan."
"I know," Dan replies quietly, looking at his hands. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise," Phil pleads. "You've done nothing wrong." Dan is silent, the pair of words on the tip of his tongue. "Take a break. I'll help you fix whatever happened, okay? Just walk away for a moment. Come get coffee with me or something, please?" Dan stands.
"Yeah, okay," he agrees. Phil lets out a sigh of relief- he had probably been preparing to beg and plead. Dan is feeling the tiniest bit better, just being with Phil, but it won't last.
It never does- contentment is a phase, and it comes and goes.