Work Text:
Hi.
I wanted to start by saying: I’m sorry. I’m truly, terribly sorry. I know you will probably never forgive me. I know you will be mad and annoyed, won’t listen to his excuses to explain my behaviour.
I know you will hate, but nevertheless, I wanted you to know how deeply sorry I am.
It’s my fault. It’s always my fault, ‘cause I never learn. I’m almost like a stupid, immature child that doesn’t think about any consequences.
I’m sorry for breaking your best friend’s heart.
I’m a coward. I live in constant fear, simply running as fast and as far away as possible. I’m a quitter, deserter, a rabbit running quickly to its hole. I’m afraid of big words, of commitment and promises. Of hearing ‘forever’, ‘always’ and ‘ever’. I’m afraid of someone accepting me when I can’t even accept myself.
He is amazing, isn’t he? Breathtakingly wonderful. He is my best friend, the one who never disappointed me. He is the best that ever happened to me. I’m sure you know it all too, after all, you are his childhood friend, you’ve seen it all, felt it all.
He is the one that makes me terrified. He will leave one day. They all do. Don’t try to tell me he would survive it, my constant insecurity, doubt and fear. No one ever had, even I cannot some days survive with myself, so why should he?
He will leave and I will be broken once again, part of my heart carried on a string behind him, never to be replaced.
And I’ve never thought about it, ‘cause really, what is there to think about? Him leaving was a thought deep in my mind, but not entirely present in my consciousness, until you said it. You said we have some future, longer than next couple of days or weeks, longer than next part or meeting for coffee. You talked about us, about how grateful you’re that we have each other. Then it hit me, the sudden realization, how close we became, how he introduced me to all of his friends and family, how he planned our next trip or counted days to next concert we will go to. All the things that seem so so far away in the future.
Don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault, it’s solely mine. You were happy and proud of us. You were a bit jealous of what we had. And you believed in us.
I had to leave him. I felt it under my skin, the constant fear of waking up one day without him, of no phone call or text message from him through the day. It made me paranoid, afraid and obsessed. I was losing my mind, just waiting for him to finally leave.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made him cry, but it’s for the better. It didn’t have a chance to survive, me and him. I would have destroyed it, one way or another. I’m not made for emotions, not made for big words and holding hands in the park. I can’t handle feeling, any of them, mine or his. I’ve only learnt how to run and that’s what I’m best at.
He will stop crying one day. Frankly, so will I. Our hearts will break, but it’s better than smashing them if we’ve taken longer time. He will love again, someone brighter, funnier and nicer. Someone who deserves him, who makes him whole and happy.
Someone who isn’t me.
Take care of him, Kenma. He truly is the best that ever happened to me and if there could be one person I wish I loved, that would be him.
His,
TK
‘Kei, you ready? C’mon, Kazu is already in his shoes!’
‘Coming! Just tell him we will buy him some ice-creams on the way to the park.’
‘Kei, really?! Can I have some too?’
‘Sure, Tetsu, if you promise not to allow him to eat from the sandbox again.’
‘So mean, Tsukki!’