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Yoongi has struggled with anxiety and depression for most of his life. When he was younger he was constantly plagued with worries: Why does he feel like this? When will these feelings stop? What will others think of him? What will his soulmate think of him? His life consisted of simply doing enough to get through the day. Of going through the motions of life in order to appear as if nothing was wrong. But as he got older, he came to a realization—what was he doing this for? Why was he living like this, without any passion, interest, or any feeling at all besides either his constant worrying or the void of emotion that is depression? So, he decided to get help. It started with his best friend Taehyung, who was always there for him despite Yoongi’s emotional distance. One night as they were finishing dinner at Yoongi’s favorite restaurant, he told Taehyung about everything—about how he never thinks he is good enough, about how one day he is filled with worry over the smallest things, and the next day he couldn’t feel anything even if he tried. He tells Taehyung about how those nights when he can’t seem to feel anything are the worst, about how he wants to do something just to feel some semblance of emotion. He talks about how he’s considered harming himself before to feel again, but he never has. He’s too much of a coward, his mind choosing to harm himself more than any pain that could be inflicted on his body.
He continued rambling his thoughts off, all the while Taehyung listened intently from across the table. When Yoongi finally felt like he conveyed his feelings as best as he knew how, he looked up with tears in his eyes, expecting either pity or rejection from his friend. However, when he looked up Taehyung was smiling at him.
“What you think this is some type of joke? That I made this up for the attention that I never get? Well, fuck you!” Yoongi spits as he wipes his tears away angrily and starts to leave. He’s stopped by a calm hand gripping his own.
“Yoongi, I’m smiling because I know that you can get through this. If anyone can, it’s you. You already showed how strong you are just by telling me all of this.” He slowly sits back down, the warmth of Taehyung’s hand and his words calming him down enough to think straight again.
“Thank you, Taehyung” he manages to say.
After that night, Yoongi set out to make his life one that was worth living, even if he didn’t think it was at times. He was able to convey his emotions through writing them down—the words flowing together in ways that often surprised him, as before he didn’t think he was talented at anything. As he filled notebooks with his thoughts, he decided that he should put them to use somehow. This led to him enrolling in college to strengthen his skills, and hopefully do something with them eventually. Taehyung insisted that he should become a song writer, but Yoongi wasn’t sure if he was ready to share his thoughts with the rest of the world. He just wanted to be a good person—someone who he wasn’t ashamed to be, someone who could be loved by his soulmate.
Yoongi became so focused on bettering himself that he hardly had time to think about who his soulmate could be. He figured that whoever it was was busy living their own life, just as he is. He is half way through university now, with his focus being on creative writing with a minor in performing arts to appease Taehyung’s wish for him to be a songwriter. The idea actually grew on him quite quickly, and he now found himself spending most of his time in his room either writing new materials or sitting there blasting music and hoping for some inspiration. That’s why on the night before his 20th birthday, he was at his desk furiously writing possible lyrics before the ideas faded away. He was so focused that he did not realize it was nearing midnight. Suddenly, Yoongi dropped the pencil that he had been writing with. He was overwhelmed with emotions—emotions he had not felt in a while because he was so focused on his future. He could feel the walls closing in on him, getting closer and closer to where he was at his desk, and he realized just how lonely he was sitting alone in his room. The anxiety and sadness washed over him, causing him to crumple into a ball as he sunk to the floor.
What’s going on? I thought that I was getting better? He thought to himself as he struggled to take deep breaths. His therapist had taught him techniques long ago for dealing with panic attacks, so he focused on one of them to try to calm down. It did not seem to work, and he only felt the walls closing in on him as he lay there, helpless.
Why is this happening to me? he thought. Yoongi had felt these emotions before, but never ever this strong.
He woke up to his phone ringing obnoxiously on the floor next to him. Reaching out to stop the noise, he accidentally answered the call.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOONGI!!” he heard as he tried to register what was happening.
“What?” he spoke out.
“I said happy birthday Yoongi! I can’t believe it’s finally your 20th birthday aren’t you excited to figure out who your soulmate is?? How has it been? Have you felt anything yet? You know some people don’t feel anything right away so don’t worr—”
“Wait what??” Yoongi cut off who he could only assume was Taehyung. “My…soulmate?”
“Yes dummy! You haven’t felt anything yet?” Taehyung hurriedly asks. Yoongi thinks back to the night before, to the walls closing in as he tried to calm himself down on the middle of the floor.
“Uhh I think I might have felt something last night but I’m not sure” he replied, unsure of why he didn’t want to admit to his best friend what had happened. He didn’t get a chance to think about it until now, but the knowledge that those feelings were not his own is unmistakable. Even when his depression was at its worst, it didn’t even come close to what he felt last night.
Later that day, he decided to go to the university’s student health center for some help. When he left home, he also left his regular therapist, so he’d resorted to using the psychologists in training at his school for help. They were actually quite good (and free), and he had regular visits with his favorite psychologist-in-training, Jin. Usually it was just to talk to someone about his life; it was nice having someone there to listen and give advice when needed. But today was different. He walked in the room to see a visibly concerned Jin (he hadn’t been through enough training to mask his emotions completely), who ushered him towards a chair across from his own.
“Yoongi? Is everything okay?” Jin asks.
“I’m okay…but I don’t think my soulmate is” he says and then tells Jin what happened. He listens to Yoongi with the same intensity that Taehyung listened to him with when he first spoke of his depression that one night over dinner. However, this time it was not himself he was worried about, but his soulmate. When he finished explaining, he heard Jin let out a quiet sigh.
“Yoongi, I can’t say that I know how you’re feeling right now, but I can tell you that the emotional bond shared between soulmates is strong, and it only strengthens with the intensity of the emotions that a person feels. It’s been about a year since I have been able to feel my soulmate, and I can already tell that they are very caring based off of the waves of warmth that I get sometimes. But I have had many people tell me how they wake up on their 20th birthday and can hardly feel anything. This is because some people just don’t have the capacity to feel as much as others. So Yoongi, I would view this as both a blessing and a curse. You might have to suffer immensely, but it will be worth it because it will make your soulmate easier to find, right? Plus you already have some experience with these emotions, so maybe you can help them out once you meet.”
“…Right.” Yoongi replied hesitantly then thanked Jin before he headed back to his room, with a dull ache in his chest that he somehow knew wasn’t his own.