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You were six years old the first time you talked to your soulmate. Well, no that’s not completely true. It was the first time you had talked to your soulmate using actual words. You’d doodled on your skin a lot when you were younger, both out of curiosity and because you were a small child and you didn’t really care about “looking presentable” one way or the other.
It was always a delight to watch somebody else’s scribblings magically appear on your skin. Some days you would spend hours just drawing all over yourself and wait for a response, which mostly just ended up being swirly lines or x’s crossing out your own work. Clearly whoever it was didn’t appreciate being drawn on as much as you did.
You’d never really thought of your soulmate as another person (it was hard to think about someone who you couldn’t see and never even talked to in your entire life as anything more than a phantom doodler when you were little) until that fateful day in kindergarten when you got bored and decided to practice your letters on your arm instead of pay attention.
A a B b C c D
STOP
The sight of a word on your arm that you didn’t write did make you stop for a second to look at it. This was the first thing your soulmate had ever said to you. Stop. It was written in big gray slashes right under your letter practice. There was enough room for you to probably finish up the rest of the alphabet, there was no way you were letting whoever this was stop you.
d E e F f G g H h I i J j K k L l M m N
KWIT IT
This one covered up all the letters you’d written so far. You grit your teeth and decided you were not going to quit it, and whoever it was could suck it up and deal with your sloppy red letters on their skin. You switched arms and started writing with your other hand.
n O o P p Q q
There was more furious scribbling all up and down your arm. Your soulmate just covered their entire arm in gray ink to try and keep you from writing on your own skin anymore. Your soulmate is such a weirdo.
Little did they know, you were also a weirdo.
You looked around the room. The teacher was reading a book to the class and not paying any attention to you. You tried to be as subtle as you could about rolling your pants up.
R r S s T t U u
WY?
no thos r latr
NO WY THIS?
cuz
There’s a tapping on your shoulder. You look over and find your cousin Rose looking at you. Mostly at your leg. She points at it, and tilts her head questioningly. You don’t really have a response for her at the moment, so you just shake your head and hope she understands that you’ll try to explain later. You hope she stays quiet for now.
V v W w X x
STOP IT THIS IS STOOPID
no ur stooped
Y y Z z
You’re out of letters now, so you just start drawing random shapes and doodles to mess with them. Every time you draw something they cross it out or scribble over it with their gray marker. You have to try really hard not to giggle. You’ve never seen someone react to doodles like this and it’s really funny to you.
From out of the corner of your eye, you can see Rose raising her hand.
“Teacher,” she says, interrupting storytime. “Dave is coloring on himself.”
“Dave Strider,” your teacher scolds, slamming the book in her hands closed, “you stop that right now.”
You don’t exactly get what she’s mad about it, but you put your marker down on your desk anyway because you don’t want to get in real trouble. “Sorry.”
You stop drawing on yourself, and after a minute or two your soulmate stops, too.
You don’t think about it again until later on that night after you had to spend an extra twenty minutes in the bath trying to wash all of the red and gray ink off of yourself. You were annoyed about it and complained the whole time.
“You’re mad?” Your brother snorted. “Imagine how your poor soulmate feels. They had to deal with all of this bull too, you know.”
“They did?”
“Yeah, they did.” He nodded. “And you know what else?”
“What?”
He pointed to the faded “KWIT IT” still visible on your arm. “They clearly weren’t having fun with this.”
“Oh.”
“Listen, Dave, you gotta be nice to your soulmate. You only have one of those, you know. I’m not saying you have to stop drawing on your skin or trying to talk to them, because you’re not gonna get anywhere with them if you never talk to them, but if they ask you to stop what you’re doing, then you should listen to them. Especially if they ask you to stop repeatedly.”
You’d nodded. “Okay. I’ll be nice.”
“Good, I’m sure they’ll appreciate that, little dude.”
You’re in bed now, wrapped up in blankets with your skin completely scrubbed clean. You’ve been thinking a lot about what your brother said, and you feel a little bad about what happened earlier. There’s a pen and some paper scattered on your bedroom floor. You crawl out of bed and grab the pen before sneaking right back in.
Your brother said you’re supposed to be nice to your soulmate, so nice is how you’ll be.
im sorry
You’re not expecting a reply, but you have nothing else to do but sit here in the dark and stare at your arm. You’re technically supposed to be asleep, but you’re not tired yet. You’re never tired at bedtime. You’ve told your brother this before, but he never listens to you about it and makes you go to bed anyway. You guess that’s just the way brothers are.
Surprisingly, there’s something new on your arm.
ITS OKAY IM SORRY TOO
ur not mad
NO
but u were befor
I WAS
NOT NOW THO
ok
For a minute, that seemed to be the end of your conversation with your soulmate. Something about that didn’t sit well with you, though. You don’t know if you really meant it or if you were just looking for an excuse to stay up later, but either way a plan hatched in your brain.
do u wanna be frends
You sit here and wait, and you’re starting to get kind of tired. It doesn’t seem like your soulmate’s going to reply. Maybe they’re asleep. It’s probably bedtime for them, too, wherever they are. Maybe they don’t want to be friends.
You’re starting to drift, but just as your vision begins to blur you see some more smudged up gray appear on your arm.
OK
You smile. You’re friends with your soulmate now. Cool.
You go to sleep.
For the next four years, you and your soulmate talk practically everyday. A couple things have changed since you had your first conversation with them. For instance, you can now fit an entire conversation on your arm if you write small enough, and you can spell the majority of words you use correctly. Other than that, everything’s basically the same.
You’re playing video games at your house with your friends. You’re generally pretty good at this shit, but today’s an off day. Probably because you stayed up all night watching movies right before and haven’t gotten a wink of sleep since. You drag yourself to the kitchen to get yourself some apple juice while you can.
You’re poking a straw into your juice box when Rose comes in and joins you.
“Do you have snacks, Dave?” She asks, poking her head through your cupboards.
“We have chips in there somewhere, I think.” You say. “Juice box?”
“Yes, please.”
You toss her a juice box, which she catches easily. You can see a flash of green on her arm.
“What’s that?”
“What, this?” She points at the green on her arm. It looks like marker, which is strange because it’s not like Rose to draw on herself. “I told Kanaya I was going to try to kick some butt in a casual video game showdown between friends today, so she decided to send me a little good luck charm.”
“Kanaya?”
“My soulmate, Dave.” Rose rolls her eyes and goes back to rummaging through the cupboards for chips. “Did I not tell you about her?”
“No, I knew about her, I just didn’t know what her name was.” You shrug. You also didn’t know Rose’s soulmate was a girl until just now.
“Well, as I said, her name is Kanaya.” She pulls a bag of Doritos out from the very back of the cupboard. “She’s very sweet. I think you would like her.”
“Yeah, I probably would. Any soulmate of my friend’s is a friend of mine.”
“I hope that’s true.” She tears the bag open. “I’m also hoping the same for yours if we ever have the chance to meet. Remind me, what was their name again?”
You glance at the doodle on Rose’s arm. You only just now realize it’s a little green heart. “I don’t know.”
You’ve been talking to your soulmate a lot these past couple years, and yet somehow you never bothered to ask for their name. Of course, this isn’t all on you, they never asked for yours either. Still, now that Rose mentions it while flaunting the fact that she knows her soulmate’s name, it does seem weird that you don’t know it. That definitely seems like something you should know.
“That’s fine.” Rose says with a shrug. “Tell me when you do know their name. That’ll make it a lot easier to talk about them to each other.”
She takes her juice and bag of chips back into the other room before you can say anything more about it. You follow her back in and don’t say anything more about it.
After a few more rounds where you managed to redeem yourself by handing everybody their ass like it’s going out of style (which it’s not), you resign yourself to asking the big, awkward question once all of your friends leave.
When they do finally leave (they stayed a lot longer than you thought, which was awesome) you end up sitting on your couch with a pen in your hand, the tip pressed into the bare skin of your arm. You’ve been talking to your soulmate for so long, you feel like an idiot for having to ask a question like this. You sigh to yourself and start writing small so you can fit as much of a conversation as you can on your arm.
hey
HEY
so i got a question for you
You sit there and wait for them to give you the go ahead to ask. They don’t respond, so you take it as an okay to continue.
listen i know this is gonna sound stupid as hell i know that i am completely aware of that but i have to ask it its important you gotta hear me out on this
OKAY? I’M SLIGHTLY MORE CONCERNED ABOUT WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO ASK NOW, BUT FINE. ASK YOUR STUPID QUESTION. GO AHEAD, ASK.
You really don’t want to, but you know you’re going to have to get this awkward question out of the way eventually. You may as well do it now.
whats your name
MY NAME? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU DON’T KNOW MY NAME?
no
YOU’RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? WHAT KIND OF STUPID JOKE IS THIS? WE’VE BEEN TALKING FOR YEARS, WE MUST HAVE EXCHANGED NAMES AT SOME POINT!
you would think but no
think back on it think really hard and try to tell me what my name is
You wait patiently. Part of you is really worried about the possibility of having already exchanged names. There’s a chance that you did it years earlier but forgot. If that’s the case and they remember your name, you’re really gonna feel awful about this. You watch as a four letter word is scrawled in big messy letters on your arm.
FUCK.
i know right
HOW HAS THIS NEVER COME UP BEFORE? HOW HAVE WE TALKED TO EACH OTHER FOR THIS LONG WITHOUT BOTHERING TO LEARN EACH OTHER’S NAMES? HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS SOONER?
i know it blew my mind too
ASKING FOR SOMEONE’S NAME IS STEP ONE! THAT’S HOW BASIC CONVERSATIONS WORK! WHAT’S YOUR NAME, HOW OLD ARE YOU, WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
now that i think about it i dont know any of those things about you
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
wow youre really into dropping the f bomb tonight whats with that i mean i agree with you but youve never used it before this is a totally new side to you whats up with that
I JUST LEARNED IT AND THOUGHT I WOULD USE IT
you just learned it what the fuck where the hell have you been under a rock
FUCK YOU, ENGLISH ISN’T MY FIRST LANGUAGE.
listen im really glad youre expanding your english vocab to now include curse words thats awesome and all and i would love to help you learn some more new ones but before that i wanted you to introduce me to a new word remember
that new word being your name
KARKAT.
thats your name
YEAH, THAT’S MY NAME. KARKAT.
ive never heard that name before thats cool i like it my names dave by the way
AH YES, DAVE. THE MOST GENERIC SOUNDING HUMAN NAME IN THE UNIVERSE.
wow i cant believe youre making fun of my name youre an awful person wow what a bully is this really the kind of person im going to have to be dealing with for the rest of my life i cant believe im only just now getting to know the real you youre the worst
ARE YOU RUNNING OUT OF ROOM ON YOUR ARM? BECAUSE I AM.
nah i have a little bit of room left im just gonna write one more thing and then switch to writing on my foot
the absolute fucking worst
okay foot time
You pull off your sock and hunch over your foot. Feet are a weird surface to write on, and you usually try not to write on them, but it’s a lot easier than writing on your leg when you’re wearing pants. You start writing in smaller, cramped letters so you can write as much as possible.
yo welcome to toe town population five what is up
do you think we should hit some of those other basic questions you said like age and color and whatnot while were at it
AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE THAT, I ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEAVE. WE CAN PICK UP ON THIS SOME OTHER TIME.
alright thats cool ill leave you alone for now but hey if you get bored you know how to get ahold of me
THANKS, BUT I DOUBT I’LL BE MAKING USE OF THAT INFORMATION ANYTIME SOON. ANYWAY, I HAVE TO GO NOW. I DON’T WANT TO BE LATE.
okay you have fun with whatever youre doing in the middle of the night
im just assuming its night there i have no idea where you are
YEAH, IT’S NIGHT HERE AND NO, I DOUBT I’LL BE HAVING ANYTHING EVEN RESEMBLING FUN. TALK TO YOU LATER. GOOD NIGHT, DAVE.
night karkat
So your soulmate’s name is Karkat. It’s a weird name and you’ve never heard it before, but it feels fitting somehow. You don’t know why that is, probably because of some dumb, impossible to comprehend soulmate stuff. Whatever the reason is, you can’t wait to learn more stuff about your soulmate. Until then, you decide the best course of action is to take a shower. There’s a lot of ink on your skin and you want to get it off of you before your brother gets back home.
After that, you try your best to learn as much about your soulmate as possible without seeming like a weirdo. You learn tons of things about Karkat, like the fact that he loves romantic comedies and spends the entire weekend lazing around on his couch watching them and that he really really loves Will Smith. Mostly Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire. You made fun of him for it once and he wrote all of the lyrics to the theme song out on your arm, and then the lyrics to the Alternian equivalent, Thresh Prince.
It took you longer than you’d like to admit to figure out that Karkat’s a troll. You’ve only known a few trolls in your life and so far they’ve all seemed pretty chill, if a little on the weird side, so it was actually pretty cool to learn that your soulmate is one. You asked him to teach you how to write in Alternian once because you knew the letters were a lot different than the ones in English. He used your interest to take revenge and scribble the Alternian alphabet all over you just like you did the first time you’d talked to him. After he was finished with that he did take the time to show you how to write your name.
Other than those bits of information, you haven’t really learned a lot of relevant things about him. You have no idea how old he is, where he lives, or what the fuck his favorite color is (that’s not really important, but he mentioned it as one of the basic things to learn about a person before and the fact that you still don’t know it is upsetting). It’s an extremely hot day in the summer when you’re twelve that you finally learn some more information about him.
bro my ac is broken and i am sweating gallons of salt water out of my pores im talking i could keep a whale properly hydrated for at least a week with all of my accumulated sweat because i am sweating bucketful after bucketful of disgusting in this heat wave i hope it doesn’t get this hot wherever you are karkat i think im dying
WHY ARE YOU WRITING ON MY THIGH? THAT SEEMS LIKE A WEIRD SPOT TO WRITE ON, EVEN FOR YOU. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? SUDDENLY YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO WRITE ON YOUR ARM?
theres a lot of space here dude i dont know about you but i got thunder thighs i got thigh for miles i am what the kids call thicc bro
NO KIDS CALL IT THAT.
oh trust me they will itll catch on so does it get this hot on alternia too or am i just cursed to live in the hottest place in the universe
I CAN’T SPEAK FOR ALTERNIA, BECAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN THERE MYSELF, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT IT’S HOT AS A SHIT DRENCHED BALL SACK BAKING IN THE SUN HERE.
thats disgusting seriously man tmi
YOU ASKED, DICKLIP.
i asked if it was hot out not for the most disgusting description you could think of off the top of your sick head karkat that was so gross to think about i actually threw up in my mouth but i had to swallow it because i cant lose any more fluids
NOW WHO’S BEING DISGUSTING, YOU HYPOCRITICAL ASS FACTORY.
hey i may be a hypocrite but i am no ass factory my ass is amazing and one of a kind it cant be mass produced youre just gonna have to deal with having a lame and sad rear end for the rest of your life or maybe find a way to stuff some more junk in that trunk on your own time right now we have more pressing matters at hand
like for instance switching thighs because theres not as much room here as i thought hang on a sec
okay got it im writing with my non dominant hand but i got it anyway as i was saying more pressing matters like hey dude i was under the impression that you lived on alternia if not then where the fuck do you live
I’D JUST LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO POINT OUT TO YOU THAT I NEVER, NOT ONCE, SAID I LIVED ON ALTERNIA, YOU JUST ASSUMED THAT BECAUSE I’M A TROLL, WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE PRACTICALLY NO ONE LIVES ON ALTERNIA ANYMORE, OR DO YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION IN YOUR HISTORY CLASSES? WHAT THE ACTUAL TAINT LICKING FUCK, DAVE?
okay im sorry i assumed you lived on your species home planet of alternia but in my defense i really dont pay attention in class but even if i did i dont think weve actually had a class about that at all not that i can remember my states not generally keen on that type of shit so anyway hey where do you live
BEFORE WE GET TO ME, I WANT TO PULL THIS SHIT AND SEE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT. YOU SAID STATE? AND YOU SPEAK ENGLISH AS YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE?
i speak english as my only language but i know a little spanish anyway yeah id say thats accurate continue
AND YOU’RE A TOTAL IDIOT.
hey
SO KNOWING THOSE THINGS I THINK IT’S SAFE TO ASSUME YOU’RE AMERICAN.
You run out of room on your thigh, so you move down your leg a little more.
i feel like i was supposed to be offended by that but congratulations asshole you were spot on i am an american and i live in the hottest state in the fucking country
You’re getting too fucking hot laying on this couch with a fan blowing hot air back at your face. You get up and walk over to the kitchen to get a popsicle. Maybe that will help cool you down some.
Fuck, you want to stick your head in the freezer. It’s so hard to resist the urge. You grab the popsicle and trudge back over to the couch, sitting upside down with your legs propped up over the back. Your legs are so slick with sweat you could rub the ink right off with your shirt if you really wanted to. You check if Karkat said anything while you were on your popsicle run. He didn’t.
You bring your leg down and scrawl across your calf.
ok its your turn where do you live
You’d never expected Karkat to live someplace other than Alternia, since he’s a troll. The more you think about it, the more you realize what a stupid assumption that really was. Not a lot of trolls live on Alternia anymore, and if he did live on Alternia, why the fuck would he know English?
Who knows, maybe he’s close. A guy can hope, right?
come on dude youre gonna have to spill it sometime just tell me it cant be worse than where i live
TEXAS.
Holy shit. Holy shit holy shit holy shit.
im sorry i think i misread that can you write that again
TEXAS. I LIVE IN TEXAS.
holy shit i feel so close to you right now
YEAH, I KNOW. WE’RE IN THE SAME COUNTRY. I MEAN, I ALWAYS FIGURED WE WERE BUT THIS MUST COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU CONSIDERING YOU THOUGHT I WAS ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLANET UNTIL A COUPLE MINUTES AGO.
no i mean yes but not just that dude i live in texas too
WHOA. WHAT THE HELL, HOW THE FUCK DID WE NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE?
because were both sort of shit at communicating
DAVE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
fuck yeah i do
WE COULD ACTUALLY MEET UP! IN PERSON! HOLY SHIT, THIS IS A GAME CHANGER.
i know this is some fucking unbelievable shit right here
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Houston
SHIT.
what
I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. OF COURSE THE UNIVERSE WOULD PUT US SO CLOSE TOGETHER ONLY TO SCREW US UP THE ASS LIKE THIS.
dude what the fuck are you talking about
YOU’RE TOO FAR AWAY FROM ME. I LIVE NEAR AMARILLO. EVEN IF IT WOULDN’T TAKE ME ALL FUCKING DAY TO GET OVER THERE, I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A BUS. IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR ME TO GET TO OKLAHOMA THAN TO GET TO YOU.
wow youre right this really is a shit situation were in a shituation if you will
I WISH I WAS OVER THERE RIGHT NOW SO I COULD SLAP YOU IN THE FACE FOR THAT
yeah too bad it would take you like ten hours to get here ha ha loser
but yeah seriously that sucks i cant believe this i mean just you being in texas is amazing because youre definitely a lot closer than i thought you were but just knowing that theres still too much distance to meet you is still fucking terrible
I KNOW! I HATE THIS. BUT AS MUCH AS I HATE THIS AND I’M PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS FUCKED UP NONSENSICAL DISTANCE ISSUE THE UNIVERSE DECIDED TO SHORTSHEET US WHILE SHITTING IN OUR OPEN MOUTHS, YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT. IT’S AMAZING TO KNOW THAT WE’RE SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER.
yeah i mean definitely its great youre just a twelve hour bus ride away from me so if i really wanted to i could just ask dirk for some money over a long weekend and meet you and we could hang out and have actual verbal conversations face to face like a couple normal dudes how wild would that shit be
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. IT JUST DOESN’T SOUND REAL.
i know meeting face to face is completely possible but the idea sounds totally insane like what the fuck im gonna be able to put a voice with the gray words on my arm that shit is unreal dude
YEAH, IT’S PRETTY FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE ME AWHILE TO PROCESS I THINK.
hey while were both processing the concept of meeting each other do you mind if i switch legs im running out of room again
GO AHEAD, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
You switch legs, which was probably for the best because the one you were writing on was starting to cramp up a bit.
okay here we are at the other leg you done processing this whole possibility of meeting in person thing
NO.
thats ok take your time
THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE WORLD FOR ME TO GET USED TO THE IDEA OF MEETING MY FUCKING SOULMATE FACE TO FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME, ASSHOLE.
what your romcoms didnt prepare you for this moment dude
THOSE ARE FICTIONAL, AND I WATCH THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE ENTERTAINING, FUCK NUT, NOT BECAUSE THEY’RE REALISTIC. SO NO, THEY DID NOT.
well if it helps im kinda freaking out about it too a little but in a good way you know like im really excited about it that i still dont think its a real possibility you know
YEAH.
but it is it totally is and thats fucking sick
HOLY SHIT, IT REALLY IS.
hey i just realized if were going to meet face to face some day we should probably know what the fuck our faces look like i dont want to go to all the trouble of traveling to the fucking panhandle only to have to talk to every god damn troll i see because i have no idea what the fuck you look like
AS GREAT AN IDEA AS THAT SOUNDS, AND I’M BEING HONEST WITH YOU HERE I THINK THIS IS ONE OF THE ONLY GOOD IDEAS YOUR THREE FUNCTIONAL BUT SLOWLY ROTTING PAN CELLS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PRODUCE IN THE ENTIRE TIME THAT I’VE KNOWN YOU, I’M JUST WONDERING HOW THE FUCK YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? YOU DO REALIZE I DON’T HAVE YOUR FUCKING PHONE NUMBER OR ANYTHING, RIGHT? IT’S NOT LIKE I CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF MYSELF, PASTE IT ON MY ARM, AND EXPECT YOU TO REVEIVE IT. SO TELL ME, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
self portraits
DAVE, I’VE SEEN YOUR DOODLES, YOU’RE NOT AN ARTIST.
ok first of all fuck you i am an artist i have a webcomic and everything what the fuck do you have
OK FINE, YOU’RE A SHIT ARTIST. IS THAT BETTER? AND SINCE WHEN DID YOU HAVE A WEBCOMIC?
since last year about its called sbahj im sure youve heard of it its a pretty big deal
NOPE, CAN’T SAY I HAVE.
well you should definitely check it out i think you would hate it
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT? DO YOU REALLY THINK I HATE MYSELF THAT FUCKING MUCH THAT I WOULD DO IT JUST FOR THE SICK MASOCHISTIC THRILL OF HAVING MY BULBS MAKE CONTACT WITH SOME AWFUL SHIT YOU DID? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GUY DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, DAVE?
the kind of guy wholl complain but probably read the whole thing anyway because your soulmate earnestly asked you to
I HATE YOU FOR HOW ACCURATE THAT WAS. FUCK YOU, DAVE.
so what you think about the self portrait thing
I DON’T THINK IT’LL GO VERY WELL BUT I CAN’T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO GIVE YOU AT LEAST A ROUGH IDEA OF WHAT I LOOK LIKE. SO FUCK IT, I GUESS WE’RE DOING THIS SHIT.
cool our legs are pretty much completely covered so theres not much room there and it would be kind of hard to draw our faces on legs anyway i think so how about we both take an arm since we left those alone today
FINE, BUT WHO GETS WHICH ARM?
well im right handed so i would prefer getting the left arm but it doesnt really matter all that much you can have it if you want
I’M AMBIDEXTRIOUS, IT DOESN’T MATTER TO ME.
oh well sweet then yeah i call dibs on left then hey do me a favor and dont peek at my masterpiece while im working ok
WELL DON’T LOOK AT MINE, EITHER.
deal
You start drawing the shittiest but most accurate self portrait on your arm that you can. It’s a lot more difficult than you thought it would be because your arms are even more sweaty than your legs and the ink keeps accidentally rubbing off of your skin. On top of that, you haven’t finished your popsicle and you’re trying your hardest to keep it from dripping on your shorts. Eventually you give up and just shove the stupid thing in your mouth.
It takes you a long time to finish it, and when you’re done you’re certain it’s the worst thing you’ve ever drawn in your entire fucking life. You hope Karkat doesn’t mind. Hey, at least it kinda looks like you.
You take your pen to your right arm and try to write as neatly as you can.
im done
ME TOO. JUST FINISHED.
cool
You get up and run to the bathroom so you can get the best look at Karkat’s drawing as you possibly can. You can’t stop laughing at it as soon as you see it. It’s...it’s so fucking bad. You couldn’t draw anything this bad no matter how hard you tried.
dude what the fuck this is beautiful
DON’T PATRONIZE ME, I KNOW IT’S SHIT. THE IMPORTANT THING IS SO IS YOURS.
no i mean it oh my god i love it i mean what the fuck is this shit look at your fucking face your eyes arent even near the same size
WELL WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOUR EYES? THEY’RE JUST TWO BIG ANGRY CIRCLES. DO YOU NOT HAVE EYES, DAVE? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO TELL ME?
those are my shades you dick more importantly what are these little circles in what i assume is your hair because whatever they are they look like tumors
THOSE ARE MY HORNS, YOU WAD. TROLLS HAVE HORNS.
well yeah i knew that but why are they so fucking small oh my god
FUCK OFF, SIZE DOESN’T MATTER.
only people with small parts say that
WELL AT LEAST THEY’RE BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK.
hey thats a vicious lie that is slander to my image and i refuse to accept this kind of damaging smack talk on my arm
DENY ALL YOU WANT, THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE.
listen this is going to get us nowhere we can continue this size contest when we actually meet in person and can verify for certain that my dick is in fact ten times bigger than your baby horns
YOU’RE NOT PUTTING YOUR DICK ANYWHERE NEAR MY HEAD, YOU PERVERTED SHITSTAIN.
we can iron out the details about it later hey how pissed would you be if i got this picture of you tattooed on me because i mean it i fucking love it this is a work of beauty best thing ive ever seen i want to look at it forever
IF YOU MAKE THAT INTO A TATTOO I WILL PERSONALLY WALK ALL THE WAY OVER TO YOUR FUCKING HIVE IN HOUSTON AND SHOVE MY FIST INTO YOUR FACE SO HARD YOU’LL CHOKE ON ALL OF YOUR TEETH.
wow that was quite the threat fine i wont make it into a tattoo but im just gonna tell you that im definitely taking a photo of it so i can use it as a reference model
IF I SEE ANYTHING EVEN RESEMBLING THIS IN YOUR PIECE OF SHIT WEBCOMIC I’M GOING TO BITE YOUR DRAWING HAND OFF.
ok fine but im still taking the picture
You run out of the bathroom to go get your camera and throw away your popsicle stick on your way back to the bathroom. You snap several pictures, all of them are perfect and awful. This is probably the best thing you’ve ever gotten from Karkat. You put down your camera and pick your pen back up.
so on a scale of one to ten how accurate is this drawing
WELL, IT’S AN AWFUL PIECE OF SHIT, AND I AM ALSO AN AWFUL PIECE OF SHIT, SO I’D SAY AN EIGHT? YOU COULD DEFINITELY USE IT TO IDENTIFY ME IN A LINE UP. WHAT ABOUT YOUR RED INK MONSTROSITY?
you know what i would also give mine an eight
DO YOU REALLY THINK THESE WILL BE ENOUGH FOR US TO RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER WHEN WE MEET IN PERSON?
i dont know for sure right now but we can figure this shit out for sure when we meet i have a feeling we wont have to wait very long
You wait a long time, a lot longer than you thought it would take given the fact that he lives in the same god damn state. But no, for some reason it seemed pretty much fucking impossible for you to find the time to actually go and meet with Karkat. He’s not even a full day’s drive away from you there in Amarillo, and yet you haven’t gotten any closer to meeting him than when you thought he lived an entire planet away.
It’s really frustrating, especially with everybody around you growing closer and closer to meeting their soulmates and making future plans with them once you reached high school. Fuck, Rose’s soulmate lived in New York and even she got to meet her before you got anywhere close to meeting Karkat.
You’re gritting your teeth and lamenting this fact while doing (or pretending to do) your homework when you see something written on your arm in gray. Wow, think of the devil.
DAVE!
wow an exclamation point thats rare hey whats up dude
I’M MOVING TO HOUSTON!
whoa shit really thats awesome when
SOON. WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK OR SO, I THINK.
fuck thats really soon
YEAH, IT IS. HEY, WHEN I GET SETTLED INTO MY NEW HIVE AND EVERYTHING, DO YOU WANT TO MEET UP?
holy shit karkat i would love to do that fuck yeah tell me when you get settled in and shit and we can finally do this thing were doing this man were making this happen
GOD DAMMIT, PLEASE DON’T MAKE REFERENCES TO YOUR STUPID ASS WEBCOMIC. I CAN LITERALLY FEEL MY PAN CELLS DYING.
see i knew you read it i knew you would get sbahj thats what the refrence
YES, I UNDERSTOOD THE FUCKING REFERANCE, DAVE. NOW PLEASE NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. ANYWAY, I HAVE TO GO NOW. I’LL TALK TO YOU AGAIN WHEN I’M MOVED IN AND SHIT AND WE CAN SORT THIS ALL OUT. THAT ALRIGHT WITH YOU?
yeah thats totally fine talk to you later
You get back to your homework and contemplate about what you’re going to do with Karkat once he gets everything figured out with his move.
You can’t believe this is happening. You’re finally going to meet him. You’re finally going to meet your soulmate!
Two weeks pass by without word from Karkat. You wonder if he’s okay, but you chalk up his silence to the fact that he probably just jumped the gun with the whole telling you he would contact you once he was finished moving.
You’re brushing your teeth when you see something scrawled on the back of your arm. It sends a jolt through your chest. Karkat writing to you means he must have gotten himself settled in. Or that he’s at least in town now. You finish brushing your teeth and stare down at your arm.
I’M ALMOST FINISHED UNPACKING ALL MY SHIT AND I’M STARTING MY NEW SCHOOL TODAY.
oh shit thats cool dude how do you feel about it
TIRED, MOSTLY. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME GOING TO A SCHOOL DURING THE DAY. I’M TRYING TO TRANSITION TO A DAY SCHEDULE AND SO FAR THIS IS JUST EXHAUSTING AND I FUCKING HATE IT.
yeah i know what you mean daylight is stupid so you were on a nocturnal schedule or whatever this whole time
YEAH. I WENT TO A NIGHT SCHOOL THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH ALL TROLLS.
thats cool so where are you going now
THIS HUGE ASS SCHOOL WITH PROBABLY A SHIT TON OF HUMANS AND MAYBE THREE OR FOUR TROLLS THAT AREN’T COMPLETE DOUCHEBAGS IF I’M LUCKY. DAVE, I’M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
hey its fine its school nobody looks forward to school especially if its new but youll be fine man dont worry about it
THANKS, BUT I’M STILL GOING TO WORRY ABOUT IT.
well you know what if youre gonna be like that then here
You doodle something really quick on your finger and start washing the conversation off your arm. You manage to get most of it off by the time Karkat responds.
DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST DRAW A FUCKING SMILEY FACE ON MY FINGER? WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?
thats a little dave for you that little guys gonna keep you company throughout the day just as a reminder that no matter how shitty a day you have at your new dumb daylight school or whatever the shit that you at least have one friend here no matter what
YOU DREW ME A LITTLE YOU SO I WON’T BE LONELY TODAY? WOW. YOU’RE A FUCKING SAP.
yeah i am and you fucking love it dont lie to me
I WOULDN’T LIE TO YOU. I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS. THANKS.
dont mention it
It takes you a couple more minutes to wash most of the ink off of your arm. It’s still there, slightly visible on your skin. You have to give up or you’ll be late for school. Maybe today is a sweatshirt day.
You don’t hear from Karkat for the next couple days, which is totally fine since you figure he’s still trying to figure everything out with school and his new house and all that shit. Whatever’s going on with him, you hope he’s having an okay time and that you can finally meet him sometime soon.
John is leaning against a wall outside the school, which is unusual for him because usually he just leaves with his dad as soon as he can. You don’t have anywhere you need to be, so you walk over and join him.
“Hey, whatcha doing?” You ask, sliding down the wall to sit down on the grass. You don’t feel like standing around.
“Hey, Dave!” He looks down at you and grins. “I’m just waiting for a friend to get here.”
“Okay.” That’s not all that surprising. John’s pretty good at making friends. “Mind if I wait with you?”
“That’s fine, this is going to get boring if he takes too long.” John replies with a shrug. “I hope he gets here soon.”
You wait with John and talk about movies and video games and shit, nothing really particularly important. It’s fifteen minutes before John’s friend finally shows up. You realize when you see him trudging over to you from the parking lot and not from the building that he probably goes to a different school.
He takes his sweet time walking over, which is sort of annoying because he made John wait fifteen fucking minutes, the least he could do was try to hurry his ass up. Eventually, he does reach the both of you.
“Hey,” John is completely too energetic for a kid who just got out of a long day of school, “I was starting to wonder where you were.”
“Sorry,” this new kid says, sounding not sorry at all and looking exactly how you feel after a long day of school, “I got lost on my way over here.”
This new guy runs a hand through his hair, and you can just barely see his horns peeking out from under what looks like a tangled mess. Whoever he is, he looks exhausted and annoyed. He’s not annoyed at anything in particular, but you can see him trying to direct his annoyance somewhere.
“Can we go now?” He asks agitatedly.
“Yeah, sure.” John stoops to pick up his backpack off the ground. “Before we go, did you want to meet my friend? This is-”
“Listen, John, I don’t give a fuck who your friend is.” He interrupts. “I’m sure he’s fine or whatever, but I’m just not in the mood to waste my energy on being genial to new people I couldn’t give less of a shit about.”
“Geez, okay. A simple no would have been fine.” John says, slinging his backpack onto one shoulder and rolling his eyes.
“Of course, but it wouldn’t have gotten my point across. Now are we going or not?”
“Yeah, we’re going. You go on ahead, I’ll catch up with you.” The troll kid rolls his eyes and starts walking away. John takes the opportunity to turn to you. “Sorry. He’s an okay guy once you get used to him.”
You nod. “I’m sure he is.”
John runs off to catch up with his friend, and you shuffle on back home. A few hours later, you find a message from Karkat written on your hand.
ARE YOU FREE THIS WEEKEND?
Your heart skips a beat. This must be the moment you were waiting for.
fuck yes im free this weekend what did you have in mind
I WAS THINKING, I’M PROBABLY AS COMFORTABLE AS I’M GOING TO GET IN THIS SHITHOLE, SO I MAY AS WELL GET SOMETHING POSITIVE OUT OF THE EXPERIENCE.
so youre saying you want to hang out this weekend youre cool with having this weekend be the time we meet
YEAH. WHY, ARE YOU NOT?
no i just want to make sure youre really cool with this before we start brainstorming ideas
You cover pretty much every available visible piece of skin on your body with ideas of what to do this weekend before you and Karkat both settle on this little cafe that you’re both familiar with. It seems like the best option. It’s small, quiet, and you and Karkat could talk for hours over drinks and get to know each other better. It has that perfect, completely cliche first date kind of feel.
The week drags on pretty slow after that, but it passes and the weekend finally hits. It’s Saturday, and you’re both excited and a little nervous about meeting Karkat for the first time. You’re going to finally hear your soulmate’s voice, see his face, actually hold a real conversation with him. That’s insane. It doesn’t seem real. How the fuck do people deal with this?
You arrive at the cafe a half hour earlier than when you were scheduled to meet. You figured if you stayed at home you might manage to talk yourself out of doing this and end up ditching him accidentally. You order a drink and take a seat at the first open area you find
Fifteen minutes of nursing your drink in your hands later, you see someone you recognize walk in. John’s new troll friend with the little horns and the annoyed face. He walks up, orders something, and takes a seat close to the door. Apparently he’s also waiting for somebody.
After twenty minutes and a refill on your drink later, you start to wonder where Karkat is. He was supposed to get here ten minutes ago. He’s still new in town, maybe he got lost. Houston was big, it could happen pretty easily.
You doubted that was the case, though.
You give Karkat the benefit of doubt and another twenty minutes before you seriously start to consider the fact that he might not be coming, after all. It was a disappointing prospect, but it’s not like you didn’t get it. You’d almost thought about flaking yourself.
If that was what happened, you would try to be as understanding as possible and maybe take a raincheck on the whole meeting in person thing. Maybe it would have been better to start slow with this. Exchange phone numbers and email addresses and shit, contact each other through more than just skin.
Speaking of possibly being ditched, the troll up front doesn’t seem to be having much luck, either. He’s clearly waiting for someone, he’s been sitting there staring at the door for almost a full hour. Honestly, you probably wouldn’t give a shit about it if he didn’t look so fucking sad.
In a spur of the moment show of compassion, you decide to go sit with the guy and keep him company until his friend or whoever the fuck gets here or he realizes they’re not coming.
You slide your cup onto the table and sit down across from him. “You’re John’s friend, right?”
He gives you a wary look. “And you’re that asshole from the other day.”
“Hey, if anyone was being an asshole at the time, it was you.” You point out. “I didn’t say two words to you.”
“I can sense an asshole a mile away, and you, sir, are an asshole." He crosses his arms over his chest. “What the fuck do you want?”
“I saw you waiting over here and I figured I’d come keep you company until your friend gets here.”
He glares at you. “What makes you think I want your company?”
“Nothing.” You admit with a shrug. “You just looked lonely as shit. I can leave if you’d rather sit here and wait by yourself.”
At first he looks like he’s going to say something snarky in return, but then the concept of waiting here even longer by himself hits him. He glances down at his watch, his shoulders sagging slightly at all the time that’s passed. “You can stay, but you better not piss me off.”
You nod. “I’ll try my best, but no promises.”
Your conversation starts out awkward, you have no idea what to talk about and the person you’re sitting with isn’t being much help since he refuses to tell you anything about himself. You’re forced to carry the first couple minutes of the conversation on your own, but once you offhandedly mentioned Dane Cook, the guy wouldn’t shut up and the conversation only grew from there. You talked about a lot of shit, most of it was really stupid, but it was all pretty fun. You could understand why John was friends with this guy, he does seem like a genuinely okay guy once you got to know him a little bit, and on top of that he was pretty funny, you don’t think you’ve laughed this hard in months.
As much fun as you’re having, though, it’s pretty clear this guy’s still distracted. He keeps glancing at his watch or at the door, still waiting for whoever it is to show up. With every minute that passes, it becomes clearer to you that his friend just isn’t gonna show, which fucking sucks. But hey, what else can you do besides wait it out with him?
It’s another twenty minutes before he calls it quits.
“Listen,” he says as he stands, “this has been great and all, but I think I’m going to fuck off while I still have a shred of dignity left intact.”
“Oh. Yeah, sure.” You nod. “I’ll see you around.”
He pushes his chair in and heads out the door, the bell chiming behind him as he exits. You’re working on your third drink now and feeling way too over caffeinated for your own good. This is going to be your last one and then you’re going to head on home.
You don’t have time to even take another sip of your drink and feel lonely at your now empty table when Karkat finally messages you with what you’re expecting to be an explanation of his absence.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
It’s not.
I WAITED IN THAT COFFEE SCENTED SHITHOUSE FOR A GOD DAMN HOUR, DAVE! IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO MEET WITH ME YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID SO.
What the fuck? Was he here while you weren’t paying attention? If he was waiting for an hour, then he only just left.
Wait.
It couldn’t be...
karkat stop ok wait right where you are
You run out of the cafe, hoping you can get to him quickly. John’s friend-Karkat-hasn’t gotten far.
“Karkat!” You yell as you run over to him.
He jumps and turns around. He looks confused when he sees you. “Dave?”
You stop and try to catch your breath. “Hey.”
He squints at you suspiciously. “How do I know it’s really you?”
You could easily roll up your sleeve and show him your most recent conversation with him, but you choose instead to go a different route. You draw a smiley face on your finger.
It shows up simultaneously on Karkat’s finger, and he smirks at it. “You’re an even bigger dork in person.”
“And you’re a lot smaller in person.”
He snorts. “What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“My dick is definitely bigger than your horns.”
It takes him a minute to realize what the fuck you’re talking about, but when it finally hits him he bursts out laughing. “I can’t fucking believe this. You’re still on that? Dave, that was four years ago!”
“Of course I’m still on that. Size matters, Karkat!” You reply insistently. “Now hey, where are you heading off to? Maybe I could tag along and we could try this thing over again.”
Karkat shakes his head. “I was just going back to my hive. I have some homework and more unpacking to do. I’m almost done but not yet. You can walk me back if you want to.”
Karkat offers you his arm, and you accept it. “I’d be glad to.”
You walk with your arms linked over to Karkat’s hive. You chat this time, too, but this time it’s a more personal, in depth discussion. You don’t talk as much this time as you did back in the cafe, now that you know that the boy with you is Karkat, all you want to do is listen to him talk and watch his face and his hand gestures. He’s a lot more expressive than you’d imagined and it’s honestly amazing to look at. You’ve been waiting to see this your entire life, or at least since you were six. You make it to his place a lot sooner than you would have hoped, so you walk him all the way over to his door.
Karkat takes his arm back but doesn’t go inside. He clearly doesn’t want to end your discussion so soon. He looks at his door for a long time and runs a hand through his hair.
He turns back to you and offers an apologetic shrug. “I’d invite you inside, but so far it looks like the results of a tornado colliding with a junk yard and my lusus would be furious with me if I let anyone see the level of shit we’ve been wading in.”
You nod. You honestly wouldn’t give a shit if he lived in a literal pig sty, you just want to spend more time with him and talk some more. From Karkat’s face you can tell he also would have preferred that. It’s too late for that now, you already walked him home. You’re both just hovering awkwardly at his door.
“We’re going to have to do this again sometime.” You finally say. “Sometime soon.”
“Yeah, especially now that we know what we both look like in comparison to those fucked up self portraits we drew.”
“Hey, fuck you, I really liked those! I still have that picture of yours I took.”
Karkat raises an eyebrow. “You actually took a picture of that shit? I thought you were kidding!”
“Nope. One hundred percent bona fide not kidding. Maybe I’ll bring it and show you next time.”
“Oh god, it’s probably even uglier than I remember.”
“Nonsense, it’s beautiful.”
Karkat’s about to make a rebuttal, probably about you cramming your fake ass compliments in some bodily orifice when there’s a loud noise from his hive.
“I’ll be there in a minute, hold your fucking hoofbeasts!” He snaps back at the noise. He turns back around to you. “I should probably get inside, my lusus is throwing a fit.”
“Yeah. We’ll do this again sometime.” You reply. “I’ll talk to you later, Karkat.”
You start to walk away, but he grabs your hand before you have the chance to get very far. “Wait.”
You stand there and watch as Karkat takes a pen out of his back pocket while still holding toghtly onto your hand. He rolls up your sleeve and starts writing on your arm. You try to read while he’s writing out of curiosity, but your view is blocked. When he’s finished writing on your arm, he brings your hand closer to his face and starts drawing on your finger. You have no idea what the fuck he’s doing. You take the opportunity to read your arm.
“Karkat, what the fuck is this?”
“My phone number.” He answers bluntly. “We can talk a lot easier and a lot longer on a phone than we could with this writing on ourselves shit. And I kind of like the way your voice sounds, so.” Karkat shrugs and lets go of your hand.
You take a look at your finger to see what he drew and you can’t help but laugh. It’s a little gray smiley face with two dots above it that you think are supposed to be his horns. “Holy shit, you fucking copycat.”
“Hey, fuck off, this is an entirely original character design!” Karkat says, poking you in the chest. “That’s a tiny Karkat to keep you company until we see each other again.”
“Oh my god, you unoriginal dweeb.”
“Shut up, you love it.”
“You’re right, I do.” You admit immediately. “Thanks. I’m never washing this hand again.”
Karkat wrinkles his nose. “Please, for the love of fuck, continue washing your hands. I don’t want to have to feel responsible for whatever bacteria starts eating the flesh off of the petri dish you call a palm.”
There’s yet another noise from inside his hive. You wonder what kind of monster thing his lusus is. You’ve never met one before, but you know most of them resemble giant, more terrifying versions of Earth creatures. You can’t tell what kind of animal noise this is, it’s one that’s completely foreign to you.
“I have to go.” Karkat sighs. “I’ll see you later, Dave.”
“Yeah, see you.” You start going your separate ways. “I’ll call you.”
“Oh, you fucking better.” Karkat yells back to you as he closes the door.
You start walking home. You’re almost back at the cafe when it occurs to you that you should probably put his number into your phone. You roll up your sleeve. There’s something new written on your arm.
I HAD A GOOD TIME TODAY, DAVE. I’M SO GLAD I FINALLY GOT TO MEET YOU IN PERSON! I HOPE WE GET TO DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME SOON.
You probably look like an idiot smiling down at your arm like this, but you don’t give a shit.
yeah me too id love to see you again
You’re going to leave it at that, but a thought crosses your mind while your typing his number into your phone.
are you free next weekend