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Chapter Text

There is a moment in your life when everything changes. It doesn't seem like it's possible that one second could completely change your life. The minute your first child is born, your first kiss, the second your dreams come true- all of these prove otherwise. Life is full of surprises. They range from excitement over a surprise party to the pain and disappointment when a loved one passes away. The surprise will either change your life for the better or the worst. As humans, we tend to assume the worst of the situation placed in front of us. It becomes a difficulty to figure out how to survive the problem at hand. It no longer seems possible that you will survive, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. There will come a day when the pain won't be what's giving you the energy to get through the day. The smile on your face, while shaped with pain, will be authentic. That smile, shaped with your triumphs and tears, is the most beautiful of all. The surprise that seemed like a catastrophe might be a blessing in disguise, even if you don't see it at the time. Eventually, your life will fall into place. You'll end up exactly where you're supposed to be. Or, at least, that's what we're told at the time. We just have to wait it out.

It was fine. It was all fine.

Meredith could hear Alex's interny voice in the back of her head. "You've said that word so many times it doesn't even feel like a word anymore."

He wasn't wrong in the slightest. And that sad part was, when that had been said, she thought that Addison Montgomery popping in and stealing Derek was the worst thing that had ever happened. Ten years later, after holding a bomb, drowning in Seattle, a shooting, a plane crash, giving birth in an electric storm, and losing the love of her life and sneaking away to have his baby... Addison didn't seem so daunting to her.

Did she mention how her best friend George died, her other friend Izzie got cancer, her person left her for Switzerland, and her sister died under a plane? Death followed her; it was inevitable. It didn't scare her anymore.

She walked around the hospital, the hospital that bore her name, clutching her white jacket that also had her sister's name on it. It was a daily reminder of her kid sister that died way too soon. She didn't talk about it, she didn't talk about things. She didn't ask Alex if he was thinking about Lexie. She didn't ask Jackson if he ever wondered about where she was.

Meredith was back to being just a tad dark and twisty. Her husband and sister were both dead. Her person was gone. She felt like she had as an intern. It was all a bit hopeless. No matter what she did, she wasn't going to win the fight. That being said, she didn't know if she believed that her husband and sister were up in heaven drinking at a bar. Her sister was laying six feet under, or at least what was left of her after animals fought over her body. Her husband was also six feet under. She didn't know if they were wandering around the hospital as spirits watching her. She didn't know.

She also was a bit uneasy about her other sister... the one that popped up out of nowhere. Her mother had a child... when she was already alive. She didn't know how she felt about that. She already has... had... a sister.

So, she laid there, staring at the ceiling of the on call room. She felt herself doze.

She felt her phone go off in her pocket. She was being summoned to the pit. That was weird. She couldn't say she had ever heard that one ever before.

"Why am I being paged?" She spoke into her phone, irritated her nap had gotten cut short. Bailey was throwing everything at her. She was exhausted. She was ready to pull the 'doing work for the chief' card.

"Meredith, just believe that you want to see this for yourself." April's squeaky voice responded into the phone. She could hear the chaos of the pit in the background. "Get this girl up to CT stat!" She heard.

Meredith mumbled in agreement and lifted herself from the cot in the on-call room. She powerwalked to the elevator, waved at Alex, and got off on the ER floor. Hunt nearly ran her over pushing a cot into the elevator, and Stephanie was sitting behind the desk looking official. Where was April? She walked into one of the trauma rooms.

The red head stood above a patient that appeared to be a teenager girl with brown hair.

"What is it Kepner?" She asked, glancing at the patient and then back at April. Her usual composure was different now that she had come back from the war. It had changed her. Meredith's year away had changed her too, in a way. And for both of them, their problems had come rushing back with them. Jackson and April were clearly having problems, and Derek was still dead.

"Look at her!" April exasperated.

Meredith looked at her. She scanned her injuries. She was unresponsive, which was a bad sign. She had a gash on her forehead and lots of blood surrounding her lower extremities. Meredith also suspected that there was blood in the abdomen. However, the fact that she was unresponsive meant that her brain had most likely been compromised.

"This looks like a neuro and ortho job. Not a general one. You should have already taken her up to the OR."

April sighed. "Look at her like a person, not like a doctor."

It was then that Meredith saw what April was talking about. The girl's brown hair, the girl's eyes... it was like looking at her sister.

Her dead sister.

"Now, I know that might seem just a tad forward, but look at her right hand." Meredith made her way onto the girl's right side. She lifted her hand. It was a bit bruised, but in purple pen the words 'Dr. M Grey' were scribbled. She sighed.

She couldn't know for sure. It wasn't like those moments when you've been reunited with someone after a lifetime of being apart. She just felt something in her gut, it was almost like she had felt the first time she had met Zola. Even though she was the ever hesitant human that always had her doubts, she was completely sure. This was her dead sister's kid.

And that was the moment that her life changed.

...

Nobody knows where they might end up. Nobody knows what comes after life. What does death entail? Is it living in the clouds? Do you see the people you love again? Or do you fall asleep eternally in a pit of darkness? Nobody knows until they're dead. And once they're there, there is no going back. Do the dead watch over the living? Do they see their loved ones triumph and fall? Do these loved ones, your guardian angels, make sure you're safe? Or is simply the luck of the draw keeping you alive? Do the dead end up regretting everything? Every mistake? The chances they didn't take? Or does everything fall into place? Nobody knows.

"Mark!"

Mark opened his eyes. His wife was nowhere to be found. He closed his eyes.

"Daddddd." Ella moaned, throwing herself on top of him. "I want to do something fun today." Even without opening his eyes he could imagine the ball of red hair and Addison's eyes hovering above him. She may have never grown up on Earth, but she was growing up here. She was one of the shinies, the child angels.

Mark growled. He felt the dip of the bed, then a peck on his forehead. "Morning." At this point, he opened his eyes. Little Grey. Little Grey that had died right before he had, under a plane, without an arm. Animals had fought over her body. But here, she was the same Lexie he had fallen in love with. Pretty eyes, sweet smile, both arms, and no blood. They were happy. They were going to grow old together.

"Fine Ella, we will." He growled.

"Can we go see Derek?" She beamed.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Is there a day we don't see Derek?"

"His pretty eyes make me happy." She said, bouncing out of the room. "You two can do whatever you want as long as we'll go later, I'll go hang out with the other shinies to leave you with some, erm, quiet time."

Mark just laughed as Lexie laid beside him and just looked at him.

"Can you believe we've been dead for five years? Zola is in elementary school now. She's never going to remember me! Bailey and Ellis will never know me, and Mer won't show them a picture! Maybe when they're older, anyway," Lexie reflected.

"Where's Samuel?"

"Sleepin'." Lexie sighed, laying down next to him.

"Sofia is going through a rough patch. I honestly thought that Arizona and Callie were going to stick together. They were soulmates. What hurts is knowing that she won't remember me."

Lexie didn't hesitate. "I think they'll get together in the end... I mean, we did. If we can get together, so can they. They had a lot more to share than we did."

"We did, didn't we?" Mark laughed. "Well, should we do what Ella said? Doing whatever we want? I have a few ideas..."

"I will try to avoid bending your penis..." Lexie laughed. "But no promises."

...

After Ella had stared at Derek's hair for a good twenty minutes, she ran off to do angelic things. That left all of the adults hitting the bar for their drink of choice. Lexie was, of course, live streaming the happenings of her sister at Grey Sloan Memorial.

Lexie watched as Meredith walked into the pit and over to Kepner. She furrowed her brow. That wasn't possible. She hadn't even though about this ever happening.

Oh who was she kidding? She was waiting for the day that her very estranged daughter would find her way back to Meredith. Meredith was her family. She wanted Meredith to help her become a doctor and give her a home. After she had died, she had trusted that when the time was right, she would find her way back to them. Meredith would have hesitated initially, but Derek would have warmed her up to the idea.

Lexie heard a displeased grunt behind her and turned around to see her brother in law staring at the event before him.

"You didn't think this would happen, would you?"

Derek knew. Mark knew. They knew about this after they had died. She had never wanted to tell them while she was still alive. She didn't know how. She was ashamed that she hadn't fought for her in the first place. No, she let her get taken away. As bad as that made Thatcher and Susan sound, Susan was completely against the idea. She wanted to keep her. But what had Thatcher done? Made that impossible.

"I mean, there she is. There's my kid. I was seventeen years old. It was the last thing I wanted at the time, but I didn't even get to see her. I spent all of med school trying to find her, but to no avail."

"Poor Mer." Mark cut in. "She's going to go all dark and twisty on your daughter."

"So what do we do?" Ellis Grey asked, appearing at the bar. "Scotch please." She asked, looking at the bartender. She turned to Derek. "You left her, now you have to make sure she doesn't do what I did. My daughter is not going to slit her wrists and hope to die like I did. You make sure of that." She growled. "My daughter will not make the same mistakes I did... not if I can help it."

"There isn't much we can do. We can watch..." he sighed, knowing he was helpless in this matter.

Lexie turned to Ellis. "You're her guardian angel, doesn't that give you some sort of power in the situation? It's my daughter that's going to make her all sad about death and dying all over again."

It worked differently than most people thought. When someone died, they chose the one person they loved the most to watch over for all eternity, until they were reunited in the heavens. Ellis had picked Mer, because who else was she going to watch over?

That left Derek irritated. His first choice would have been Mer, so instead he decided on Ellis. His last daughter would never know him, and that broke his heart more than his death.

Lexie picked her daughter, except that proved to be difficult as she didn't know where or who she was. Nonetheless, she was under Lexie's protection. Mark had chosen Sofia, and George had picked Izzie, who had been battling cancer at the time. He had used his extraordinary measures to keep her from coding on the table. He was not too happy when she had left them, and he had watched as she had started her new life.

Ellis was a little irritated. "Who do you think saved her when she was attacked by the patient? Almost died giving birth to Bailey? Almost died in another plane accident? Those were extraordinary measures that kept her alive. I don't know if I have it in me. Too many bad things have happened to her. The carousel never stops turning."

Derek growled, "just because you died first, you took dibs on watching over my wife. Which is amazing, except for the fact that I can't protect her."

"She's my daughter! She's my daughter before she's your lover! So I'm sorry. I am going to do all I can to make sure that Meredith doesn't join us up here. She has to stay alive for Zola, and Bailey, and Ellis! She's not dying anytime soon! I will make sure of it."

"And you know what?" Lexie cut in, "She's gonna love my daughter! I'm telling you right now!"

Ellis, Derek, Mark, and George all stared back at her.

"...eventually." Lexie added.

Chapter Text

We're all walking through life, stopping to stare at all the pretty paintings on the walls, stopping to giggle with the best friend walking alongside you, and stopping to ponder whether or not to keep going. We're all pretty clueless in that aspect. We don't know what we want. We don't know where we should go. Right. Left. Straight. We just wonder whether or not it is the right decision to keep our feet planted on the ground right where we're standing. The problem is that we won't know until after we've moved. We see that things around us will change. There are an infinite amount of directions you can go, but you cannot go backwards. So which way do you go?

"What's wrong with her?" Meredith asked, biting at the awkward tension that had apparently fallen on them in the last two minutes.

April looked at Meredith confusedly while she tinkered with the electronic chart. "She was brought in in a car crash. She got t-boned. The other driver was dead on scene. She was unresponsive in the field which leads me to believe that there's a brain bleed of some sort. Some damage to her legs... I need to get her up to the OR now."

"Is there a name on the chart?" Meredith asked, knowing that that would be too easy.

"No ID with her at this moment. You don't think..." April murmured. "She never said anything to you?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. At this point though, I'm not really surprised. After how many surprise siblings I've had pop up, what's one more sibling...ish... to the list?"

Amelia came over, barely glancing at the girl on the table. "Get her up to the OR and page me when she's on the table." She did a double take. "Why does she look just like-"

"We know." Meredith responded. "We won't know for sure until we have some ID on her."

April began wheeling her towards the elevator and Meredith sighed as she walked to the desk and sat down behind the counter. She needed to take a breath. She couldn't be related to her. No. It was just a cruel twist of fate. That's all.

After Lexie died, she had tried so hard to push down the feelings. The feelings of guilt. She hadn't been there in her sister's last moments despite Cristina telling her to. She had been awful to her when they had first met. Slowly, though, they had become sisters. Lexie was her sister. Every time she saw Maggie, she felt that guilt. Was Maggie a pseudo replacement? Trying to get Mer to feel less guilty with the second one?

Her beeper went off for her surgery with Dr. Bailey. She had completely forgotten about it.

She would worry about this later. There were lives to be saved.

-

Several hours later, Mer walked into the OR holding a mask over her mouth. She took a deep breath. At least the girl wasn't bleeding out on the table. Callie was there too, tinkering on what seemed to be her leg. "How is it coming?"

Amelia looked up from the task at hand. "Good. All brain problems were fixed. Looks like Little Grey is going to be okay." She also had some damage on the lower extemities, but Callie said she should be good with lots of physical therapy." Callie looked up for a brief moment, then looked back down.

Oh good, she was going to be okay, eventually. Replaying Amelia's whole speech in her brain, she stopped firmly. "She is not Little Grey. How do you even-"

"Karev told me that's what they all used to call her. She also had photographic memory- Mer, why didn't you tell me you had a niece? Where has she been all of this time?"

Meredith could feel herself growing irritated. "She is not my niece. Lexie never told me-"

Amelia, of course, interrupted her in a babble that only she could pull off. "You never told her you had another sister because the Chief-"

Meredith didn't even know why she was still feeding into this argument. The girl, whoever she was, was okay. "That was different. I didn't know."

"You didn't know or you refuse to remember?"

Meredith wanted to burn her eyes into Amelia's skull. "She is not related to me and she is most definitely not Little Grey." She turned around and walked out of the ER. She was not dealing with this any longer.

Callie looked up at Amelia. "This kid is definitely Lexie."

Amelia sighed. "I know. I just don't know what that means for Mer."

-

Meredith went to the first place she could think of to get away from any doctor that would pester her about this. Yes, they were all her family, and yes she loved them, but she needed time to think. What would Derek say about this? She knows what Derek would say about this. He had loved Lexie and Maggie before she had. He was like that, loving all of her sisters and all of his sisters. He was a family man. He would have known what to do.

Cuddling with Ellis, she contemplated what to do with the situation at hand. What would Cristina do? She would call her Little Little Grey and...

"Hey."

Mer looked up. Thank god for her person.

"Shepherd told me she was worried about you. She thinks you're going to run away again and leave her with the house all to herself and Pierce. I really hope you're not planning on leaving again. What is this about?"

Alex sat down and Bailey immediately ran over to him. He made faces, resulting in Bailey's giggles. He looked at Meredith, waiting for an answer.

"There was a teenager girl who came in today with brain trauma and bone damage that everyone thinks looks just like Lexie."

Alex slowly let out a breath. "Do you think it's possible that it's her daughter? I mean, it can't be another surprise sister, can it?"

Meredith turned to her person. "Lexie never said anything like this. Honestly, I don't think I would have believed her. I don't think my sister was the type of person to sleep around in high school. That's how old she must have been at the time."

"What do you want to do Mer? Do you want to know if this girl is somehow related to you?"

"Who do we call? Thatcher? Does he even know about her? Maybe Lexie gave her away? Susan never mentioned it; my father never mentioned it... my sister herself never mentioned it."

"What about your other sister? The one that came in with the baby problems?"

"Oh." Meredith had completely forgotten about her. She had had a lot of sisters over the years. There was Izzie and Cristina and Lexie and Amelia and Maggie but... Lexie and Maggie were her sisters. Her and Molly could never bond like that. Even so, she had the inkling that Molly disliked her. She probably thought Meredith was part of the reason that her sister died on the plane.

Not that she was wrong. Where she goes, death follows.

The last time she had seen Molly was when she was in the hospital. Lexie hadn't gotten a proper funeral, so Meredith had gotten out of the awkward encounter with the Greys. Also, didn't she and her husband live in Tahiti or something like that?

"I don't think she lives in Seattle."

"So put your name down as her proxy." Alex declared as if it were that simple.

"Alex! That's crazy! We don't even know..."

"Yes, we do. I saw her getting wheeled onto the peds floor. That kid is all Lexie."

...

"I always knew I liked Karev. What a smart guy. Never thought he would be the new Yang." Mark talked at Lexie, who was eating everything in sight. She was actually afraid that Meredith was going to go all dark and twisty on her daughter. She was afraid she would shut her out, just as she had done to Lex all those years ago.

"It's a good thing angels can't gain weight." Mark chuckled, earning him a smack from Lexie.

"It's not funny!"

"Yeah, it kinda is."

Lexie took a deep breath. She would watch this roll out. She had faith that her sister would come through. There wasn't much she could do besides watch. She considered trying to pop up in a dream, but that took effort on both ends. Meredith had to be actively thinking about her sister in the subconscious of her mind, which she doubted would happen.

She was dead, after all.

...

Maggie stared at the girl, sleeping over surgery in the pediatrics ICU. Was this what Meredith's sister looked like? The one who had died under the plane?

Amelia came over, looking to see what Maggie was staring at. She raised her eyebrows. "Oh. Are you jealous of Meredith's sister coming back from the dead in the form of her estranged secret child?"

Maggie stared at her sister oddly. "No. I just..." She cleared her throat. "Alex told me last year about how the plane crash changed all of them. That was the first time I even heard that Meredith had another sister. I never really thought about it. I knew Ellis probably just had one secret love child, but I never thought about her father. We were the same age, Amelia. She had a photographic memory and started her internship at 25. I was in my residency at that age, you know, the whole child prodigy thing. We were a lot alike. And she's dead. So imagine Meredith's surprise when another sister pops up, this one from her mother, who she was with at the time. She never said anything about her sister! Nothing!"

Amelia looked at her. "Have you met Meredith? She's not going to tell you about that. Especially you. You're the other half sister. The one that didn't die in the plane crash. The one that didn't get the short end of the stick."

"I did get the short end of the stick!" Maggie argued, then bit her lip.

Amelia refrained from rolling her eyes at her sister. "From what I was told, they tormented her for the first few months of her residency. Meredith warmed up a lot quicker to me and to you, okay, at least you, because Lexie taught her how to be a sister."

"How did the plane crash affect Derek? He's never talked about it either." Maggie remembered when they had told her.p about that first plane crash. She had cried, as she had been told Meredith had had another sister that had died. She couldn't imagine what that was like for them. In that moment, she had a newfound admiration for her older sister. And her older sister had been trying to protect her since then. But she hadn't been like that the first time.

Amelia kept talking to Maggie, not noticing she had completely tuned out."It messed up his surgery hand, and my sister Lizzie came to give her nerves from her legs so that Jackson and Callie could fix him. And they did."

"Did you ever met Lexie?" Maggie continued.

"Yes. I came here when I lived in LA because I wanted Derek's help with a patient. She had a knack for neuro, that one. She would have been a kickass resident to teach. But now she's dead. Derek's dead. Mark's dead. They're all dead."

Amelia walked away before Maggie could say anything else.

...

There was no record of this girl. It was like she didn't exist. Granted, they had no ID to go off of, but there was nothing.

Meredith sighed. They would just have to wait until the girl woke up. There was still the possibly that she just really looked like her sister, but there wasn't any actual relation. It could very well be true!

Oh, who was she kidding? She was cursed.

She debated calling Thatcher. She debated calling Molly. Hadn't Molly and her husband been living on some US base on some island somewhere?

Despite this, she put the name into the computer. And, what do you know, Cassie Grey was listed under the dependents. There was not much medical info on the girl, just that she was born in Seattle. Her eyes widened. At Seattle Grace Hospital. And lucky for Meredith, the phone number listed for Molly was one that had been disconnected. They were on an island somewhere. How did their kid end up here in Seattle? Had she snuck away just to meet Meredith?

Meredith really hoped that wasn't the case. She wasn't that great of a family member to look up to, all things Lexie had said aside.

She leaned back in her chair. What was she going to do?

...

"Take her to the pediatric ICU." She heard the nurse say. Was she dead? No, she couldn't be dead. They were talking about her, weren't they? She couldn't find the strength to open her eyes. It was cloudy. Everything was cloudy.

She couldn't move, but she still tried to relax. She needed to think of something happy.

...

The little girl bounced down the first few stairs. Did Molly really expect the seven year old to sleep in her first night in a new house with new people? She had been bouncing foster homes; she couldn't have been expected to sir that easy.

"She's my niece, but we really don't know anything about her. My parents made my sister give her away. She was going to school to become a surgeon, at Harvard. She couldn't have a baby. Lexie never forgot about her. We find the girl; she's a bouncer. But do we keep her? Maybe we should put her back into the system."

A man's voice replied. "Of course we keep her. She's your niece."

Molly didn't seem happy with that response."But she's going to have to move with us and help us take care of our kids on a base in the middle of nowhere. You got stationed again. And I respect your decision to serve our country, but do you really want our kids to grow up there? And Cassie?"

"I want our kids to have a father. I can do both, I can serve and I can help you raise them. As for Cassie, is there anyone else you can give her to? What about your other sister?"

Molly had snorted. "Meredith? She's the reason my sister is dead. Them and their surgeries. She got Lexie killed. No, she doesn't get to kill her too."

"We shouldn't just keep her out if obligation, Mol. That's not fair to her or to us."

"We're doing the right thing. We can't let the foster system ruin her beautiful mind more than it already has. She's going to be even smarter than Lexie was. We have to keep her."

The man, Molly's husband, had grunted in response.

Only two things stick with Cassie that night. One was that she wanted to go meet her aunt Meredith. The things they were saying could not have been true. And two, Cassie was going to be a surgeon.

...

Lexie put down the fork she had been using to eat her double fudge chocolate cake. She looked over at Mark.

"I think Cassie is going to be okay."

Chapter Text

As humans, we find ourselves falling into the same patterns. It's not because we want to, it's because it's what we're used to. Once we fall into a routine, we tend to stick to it until we're thrown a curve ball that forces us to change. And even when we get that, our first instinct is to fight it. We don't want change. And the pattern never truly stops. We will always go back to it, even if it hurts us. Even when it hurts us. That's why human nature, human routine, makes us prone to something we can fight until we, eventually, give in.

Alex was assigned to the girl's case along with Torres and Shepherd. He hadn't been in the surgery, there hadn't been any need, but he had made sure to make it clear that he would be the one to check on her most frequently. Both of them had disagreed, but he made it clear that he was doing it for his person.

Meredith had already suffered so much. He couldn't stand watching her get hurt over and over. Her sister died. Her person ditched her for Switzerland. Her husband left her alone to raise their kids. She ran away and had a surprise baby...

He needed to find out what this girl was like. If she was the type to go around asking questions about Meredith and Lexie, then he would tell her to stick it. No one messed with his person.

He strolled into her room a few hours after the surgery. She was awake, staring out the window. His heart skipped a beat. Lexipedia.

He cleared his throat. "I'm Doctor Karev. I understand that you were in a car crash. You had some damage but it was all fixed in surgery. You have a long road to recovery in front of you." He paused, letting out a breath. "But if you're anything like I think you are, you were coming to this hospital for a reason."

The girl turned to look at him, and her eyes met his relatively cold ones. He was a good doctor, he was good with kids, but right now he was unsure if he could trust this one.

"You know who I am." Was what came out of her mouth. "Why is Dr. Grey avoiding me?"

"She's not..."

The teenage girl glared back in response. "Dark and twisty. I know. Can you please ask her to come meet me? It would mean a lot to me..." She looked away. "And then I will leave, and she can just forget I ever existed."

Alex grumbled in response. "I don't know what you want from her, but leave her alone. She's a lot stronger and a lot tougher than you think. She won't take crap from you too. She's had enough secret siblings to last her a lifetime."

"You think this was what I wanted? To get into a car crash and break my leg and undergo major brain surgery? Some idiot hit me driver's side on my way over here! I wanted twenty minutes with Meredith, not as long as it takes for them to discharge me!"

Alex just stared back at her. "I will tell her, but no promises."

"Dr. Karev, she's my family. And I think she's the family that I am supposed to end up with. I don't know much about her, or my mom, but I think I'm meant to be here. We're meant to be together."

Alex looked back at her. "Okay." He turned around and walked out of the room.

...

"Mer." Alex started, walking up to her as she leaned on the counter, looking at a patient chart and chatting with Edwards. She looked up and saw his 'we need to talk' face.

"Make sure his stats stay in the normal levels. Page me if anything changes." Stephanie nodded and walked away, glancing between Alex and Meredith.

"What did you find out?"

Alex scratched his head. "Give her a chance Mer. For Lexie."

"Did I ever say I wasn't going to?" Meredith smirked, walking away.

"Be nice!" Alex screamed after her.

...

Meredith stood outside the room, looking through the window. The girl, from this angle, looked like a teenage version of Lexie. She was reading a book, and from what Mer could make out, the cover looked like a diagram from a medical textbook. Mer smiled. She took a deep breath, walking into the room.

"I'm Dr. Grey, but you already knew that. My question is: who are you?"

Cassie looked up from the book she had in her hands about pelvic reconstructions. She did a lot of reading, of medical journals and books and memoirs. She remembered everything she read. She didn't know much about where she came from, but she knew she wanted to be a surgeon. She slammed the book.

"I'm Cassie, Cassie Grey." Cassie bit, fighting the tears that were brewing in her eyes. She didn't know why she felt like crying, but something was up. Was it those feelings, of abandonment, of wonder, that she had been trying to bottle back for all of this time? Were they suddenly at the surface because her aunt was most likely going to tell her to get lost?

"Okay, great, who do you belong to?" Cassie looked away, not meeting Meredith's eyes. Meredith bit back a smile. This girl was all Lexie. "I know why you're here, so tell me what I can do to help you. I will try my best to do whatever it is. Might I add, you didn't need to get into a car crash to get into the hospital. You could have just walked in. Any doctor here would have recognized you."

"I wanted to meet you because it was the only chance I had to." Cassie murmured through her teeth. "I have my license, I know how to drive... I just have really bad luck. I think I'm cursed. Or crazy."

Meredith laughed. "You're not crazy, Cassie, you're a Grey. And because you're a Grey, you're most likely cursed." Meredith furrowed her brow. "Wait. Why is this your only chance to come see me? Where are you going?"

Cassie bit her lip. Should she tell the truth? That she come back to Seattle specifically to meet her aunt? "Molly's husband got deployed again. We were only here to see Grandpa, who's drunker than ever." Cassie rolled her eyes. "That's probably why Molly never made the effort to bring me back here..."

"I am sorry to hear that. About not getting to come here." Metedith sighed.

"He's the reason I was in foster care until I was eleven and Molly and her husband adopted me. They're great, don't get me wrong, but I'm not one of their kids. I'm an outsider. I want to go to public school. I want to be a normal kid that hasn't been the weird foster girl or live on a military base in the middle of nowhere."

Meredith sat down in the chair next to the bed. She was still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. "So Lexie..."

"Lexie was 17. Don't know who Dad is, but Thatcher and Susan didn't want me around because Lexie's photographic memory was not working with a baby around or something. I don't know. Lexie threw a fit. So they sent her away until she graduated high school and she got into Harvard and by that point she couldn't find me... or didn't want to..."

Meredith chose to ignore the girl's self demoting statements that could only be matched up to hers, in a way. Family issues were a bit of a familiar subject with her. "So Molly..."

"Molly found me after Lexie was already dead. I never got a letter or picture... all I know is that she died doing doctor things."

Gritting her teeth, Meredith realized she could not have this conversation with this girl right now. "You didn't have any ID on you, so we were unable to call Molly. How can we contact her?"

"Oh please don't call her yet! She's gonna flip out when she finds out I came to see you, and then she's gonna flip out even more when she finds out I was in a car crash that totaled her car!" Actually, it was her grandfather's car that Molly had the keys to because he was so drunk, but she left that detail out too.

"Cassie she's your legal guardian, she needs to know where you are. That you're okay."

"Meredith..." Meredith stopped short when she heard her name. In that moment, it felt like it was her sister calling out to her from heaven or wherever she was. She swallowed the hiccup that had formed in her throat. This was her kid sister's daughter. She was here for a reason. She could hear Derek and Lexie telling her from up there to make the effort, to attempt to bond.

"Yes?" She turned back around.

"Tell me about her. Please. Molly doesn't know anything about how she was as a doctor. We can't talk about it. Please tell me."

Meredith took a deep breath. She would do this for Lexie. She turned around and plopped herself at the foot of the bed, looking at this girl, her niece, sitting in front of her.

"Lexie Grey was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. She came to work here when her mom passed away. She immediately wanted me to be this big sister person that I could not be. For a while, my friends and I were awful to her because I told them to. Slowly though, she wormed her way in. She taught me that family was not bad. Family is a beautiful thing. It's...' she cleared her throat, hoping the lump would go away, "it's my biggest regret that I wasn't with her in her last moments."

"You were with her when she died?" Cassie hadn't known that part of the story. She didn't even know how she died. Molly wouldn't say.

"Yeah. We were in a plane crash. She got stuck under the plane, and we couldn't get her out."

"Where were you? You weren't with your sister when she died for what purpose?" Cassie bit. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine. I went to find my husband. Cristina, one of the other doctors, told me to stay with Lexie, but I didn't."

"Did you find him... your husband?" Cassie whispered.

"Yeah. By the time we got back... she was gone. Her soulmate or whatever you want to call him was with her when she passed."

"What happened to him?"

"He died too. He said that Lexie was waiting for him. I like to think that him and her and my husband are all up there at the bar in heaven or whatever. It's all I can hope for."

"Your husband died in the plane crash too?"

"No. He died a couple years later. In a car crash."

"Oh," was all Cassie could muster. She could see why Molly had made Meredith out to be some sort of villain. All Meredith knew was how to lose. She had lost her father at a young age, her mother was apparently very cruel, her stepmother passed, her sister passed, her husband passed...

"I... have to go." It had become too much for Meredith. She couldn't cry in front of this girl. It had all come up so fast. The plane crash... her husband's car crash...

Meredith sprinted out the door before Cassie could say another word.

...

Meredith found the nearest on call room she could, locking the door behind her. She sat down on the bed. It was then that the tears just started. They wouldn't stop.

"Would ya keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep!"

Amelia.

Ugh.

Amelia climbed down from the top bunk and stared at her sister. She let out another breath. "It's about Lexie isn't it?"

Meredith just stared at her. She wanted to be alone. And now this one? She would have preferred Maggie over this nonsense!

"Yeah. Of course it is. I get it. I lost my brother. Granted, he was my best friend and I grew up with him, but she was still your sister."

Amelia. Shut. Up.

Meredith took a deep breath, standing up from the bed. She didn't say anything, leaving Amelia standing there like a piece of trash, or so Amelia thought. Of course Meredith wasn't going to say anything to her. It didn't matter if she was her sister. She sighed.

Walking to a patient's room, she stopped at the window Meredith had stared through the glass. The girl was reading a book. Amelia walked in, clearing her throat.

"Hi Dr. Shepherd. My head is fine. Well, I think so."

"You're reading a pretty dense book, so I think you're good." Amelia smiled, sitting down in the chair. "Have they called your aunt yet?"

Cassie resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I know who you are. You're the sister of the other Dr. Shepherd... that was my uncle." She slowly let out. "I've been trying to put all of the pieces together. It seems like everyone in this hospital is related. Dr. Torres had a kid with my mom's love because they were lovers. His name was Mark Sloan. He was Derek's best friend. Derek was married to Meredith. Meredith's sister was with Mark, but so was Callie, and also Addison, who was married to Derek too... and ugh."

"Who told you this?"

"Um, the nurses love to gossip, you know. I just asked them why the hospital was named Grey Sloan. I had a pretty good hunch though after Meredith told me they both died in the plane crash. Although I don't know how I feel about the nurses calling me Little Grey yet. It sounds like that name belonged to someone else."

"You're not Little Grey. You're Little Little Grey. You're Mini Little Grey. You're Mini Meredith!" Amelia sputtered.

"What? Really?"

"Yes! You're acting just like her!"

"Really? How so?" She dropped her arms at her side, blushing at how self conscious she had suddenly become.

"I just... I don't know how to explain it. You guys are so related."

"Wow. Related to Medusa." She chuckled. "The nurses wouldn't tell me where that name came from, though."

"That's what they called her after..." Amelia bit her tongue. Why did she have to talk so much?

"Oh." Cassie let out a breath. "This hospital has my name on it. That's weird."

"Yeah." Amelia said, picking at the lint on her pants. "Look, I am going to tell you right now that most doctors in this hospital think that I am crazy and talk too much, your aunt included. But, I am also supposedly a very good talker when advice is needed. You need anything, you page me. Understood?" Amelia stood up, placing her hands inside her pockets.

"Yes, Amy."

Amelia glared at her.

"I knew that was going to annoy you." Cassie cheekily grinned. "I won't call you that if-"

Amelia cut her off. She didn't know she had found herself liking this girl she barely knew so easily. She didn't know why she found her brain telling her to agree to it. "-no, that's fine. You can call me Amy. I haven't let anyone call me that since Derek, but..."

The look on Cassie's face of pure joy made her tingly inside. "Come eat your meal with me later? I need someone that isn't a nurse to talk to, and I don't think it's gonna be Meredith."

Amelia nodded. "I would love to."

Cassie's face grew serious again. "One more thing... Meredith has another sister, doesn't she? The nurses... they talk. They're not talking about Molly, are they?"

Amelia rolled her eyes. These nurses need to be talked to if they are talking loud enough, on the peds floor, for everyone to hear. "Her mother had a secret kid when Mer was five. She just came back a couple years ago." Before Derek died, she wanted to add.

"And is Meredith happy about this sister given-"

Amelia really didn't know how to answer that one. "I- I don't know. I watched Maggie and Mer get close, but I know that Meredith and her friends weren't the nicest when it came to your- Lexie. We can talk about this later."

"Okay. Can you bring- Dr. Pierce? I would like to meet her."

"I'll try." Amelia said, finally walking out the door.

Cassie let out a breath. What was she doing bonding with these doctors? It was a bit weird... she would give it that. Then again, didn't she have a right to? Her last name was on the hospital everywhere. It was on the walls, the labcoats, the screens... her name was on there because her mother died. Sure, from what she understood Amelia didn't know her very well, but Amelia was her uncle's sister. So that made her family.

And god, Cassie really wanted this family. She just knew it in the pit of her stomach. She barely knew them, but she knew.

Chapter Text

The dictionary definition of the word 'alone' is an adjective describing 'having no one else present or being on one's own.' The dictionary, however, did not consider the other meaning: to be surrounded by women and men and children and the elderly, all living their own lives, possibly contributing to yours, and still feel like you're standing in isolation. The problem is, the people that surround you don't understand you. They don't understand where you've been, what you've seen, or what you've done for better or for worse. They can sympathize, but they don't- can't- understand. They're not you. The only person who knows how you feel is you. You are alone. But, you're not alone. There are people surrounding you. And maybe they don't get it. But they get you. They've got you. They've got your back and front and head and heart. They've got all of you. The dictionary says you're not alone until you are. So you're not alone.

"She hates me, doesn't she?" Cassie whispered, looking at Alex with sad puppy dog eyes. Meredith hadn't come back. Cassie knew what that meant.

Alex rolled his eyes. "No, she doesn't. This is just how Meredith deals with new family. She will warm up to you eventually. Your mother didn't worm her way in right away."

"She's not my mother. She just gave birth to me." Cassie mumbled.

"Look, I get the whole tragic childhood card. I played it too. I had to pull myself up out of the ashes. I don't know much about you, but I know you're determined and smart as hell. You got yourself where you wanted to be."

"I wanted to meet Meredith the first time I heard of her. I was eleven years old. It was my first night with Molly. Her and her husband where talking about 'the other sister' after I had gone to sleep. I wanted to know more. They said she was different, that she didn't grow up with them. Molly sounded so distasteful, talking about how Lexie had run to her and Meredith had treated her like crap and gotten her killed. But I still looked her up. I found pictures of her in a lab coat. I found articles about her Alzheimer's trial and her mother and buying the hospital and the death of Dr. Derek Shepherd. I just needed to meet her. So I waited until I came back to Seattle. But now I don't know."

"Meredith is worth knowing if you give her the time. She has been through a lot, but once you're in her corner she will go down swinging for you."

"And you? How long have you known Meredith?"

"She was in my intern class. We have been side by side through it all. I was there throughout McDreamy, through a bombing, shooting, plane crash-"

"The plane crash?" Cassie whispered.

Alex frowned, knowing exactly why that had triggered her and exactly why he was slapping himself internally. "Yeah."

Cassie snorted. "Great."

Alex looked at her. He really liked this kid. She was smart, and she was going to go places. She reminded him of Lexie, which by all means was probably what she was supposed to do.

He had an idea.

"Would you like to go on a little field trip?"

...

Amelia went in to give the girl a sandwich but was surprised to find the bed empty. The girl had serious bone injuries; it wasn't as if she could get up out of the bed and move around.

She walked over to the ped's nurse's station. From everything Cassie had told her, she had reasons to hate these nurses.

"Where is the patient from 1503? You know, little little Grey?"

The nurse looked up from her computer screen. "She's with Doctor Karev."

Amelia smacked her lips in confusion. Alex's name was on the chart as the pediatric surgeon, but he hadn't done much. Oh wait, he was just bonding. Because everyone was bonding with the kid now. The kid was famous. She was Lexie Grey reincarnate! How could she expect to be the only doctor here that wanted to know her?

...

"Where are we going, exactly?" Cassie asked, looking around at the various hospital rooms they were passing. She felt good, sitting up in a wheelchair instead of the bed. Dr. Torres was willing to do physical therapy with her to get her back on her bad leg.

"My favorite place in this hospital!" Alex exclaimed. "There's someone I want you to meet." He wheeled her up to a door, and it was then she could see the label on the room number. This was daycare. Did Alex think she was five?

Opening the door, he wheeled her in. She looked around. Kids were everywhere. They were all playing, laughing, and loving. They were being kids. They were happy. They were healthy, that was all that mattered.

An African girl stared at her from across the room. Cassie looked back. Alex had disappeared. She stared at the girl. Was she supposed to know her from somewhere?

The girl's eyebrows raised in an AHA sort of a way. The girl ran at Cassie and attacked her in a hug. "Aunt Lexie!" She exclaimed. "You're back!" It hit her like a ton of bricks. This was Meredith's kid. She knew Lexie, many moons ago. She thought Cassie was Lexie. She didn't know whether or not to be flattered. "Mommy never answers me. She told me that Daddy and you were together now. How are you not dead?"

Cassie took a deep breath. This was why Alex wanted her to come here. "I'm not Lexie. Lexie was my mom." She let out, for a lack of a better explanation. "I was away for a long time."

"Aunt Lexie died." The girl said, with a frown on her face. "I miss her."

Letting out a sigh, Cassie nodded. "I miss her too,"

The girl looked around. "I'm Zola. My brother Bailey is over there." She motioned to a little boy playing with building blocks on the other side of the room. "My sister Ellis is asleep in the other room with the other little kids."

There were three of them. Cassie reasoned. Where was Alex? Had he left her here to bond with Meredith's kids? She shrugged. She liked kids. "What are you playing?" She asked the young girl. Zola's face lit up.

"Do you want to play Barbies with me?" She asked.

Cassie grinned in response. "Of course I do!"

...

Alex stood outside the daycare, smirking through the window at his person's niece. She was so cute and she was just one of those kids that was good with younger kids. He could tell that she would make a great addition to the house (not that Alex was excited or anything).

Amelia walked up to him, smacking him in the arm.

"What's your problem?" He growled.

"I called dibs on time with Cass during my meal! She asked me to come eat with her. Wait in line!" She smirked. "You need to wait your turn to get to hang out with the kid! I was her first friend! We're on a nickname basis."

"I hope she's calling you Blabbermouth." Alex snorted in response.

Amelia furrowed her brow. "Why? Last time I checked, I kept people's secrets!"

"Cause you never shut up!" Alex growled, walking away. "Make sure Cassie gets back to her room. I have things to do."

The younger Shepherd watched as the pediatric surgeon headed down the hall. She turned her head, looking through the window at the young girl playing with her niece. There was something about her... Amelia couldn't put her finger on it.

Callie soon joined her at the window. "Is that Grey?" She asked, looking at the young girl still sitting in the wheelchair. Amelia nodded.

"I want to try to get her standing. I don't think she wants to be sitting in that chair."

Amelia turned to her coworker in confusion. "She has a broken leg, had abdominal surgery, and had brain surgery. Do you think she's ready for that? Or do you just want a little bit of time to get to know Little Little Grey?"

Callie smiled her megawatt smile. "I do think that trying to get her to stand and crutch a few steps would be beneficial. She's playing with her cousin and smiling, I think she's okay. And yes, because my best friend's girlfriend was her mother. I think that Mark would want me to."

Amelia let out a breath, looking at this girl who had somewhat befriended her. "Okay. But don't push her too hard. If she wants to stop, let her stop."

Callie nodded, "Okay. I'm a doctor. I know what she can and can't take. Besides, if she hates me for this, it's on me." Callie took a deep breath, before walking into the daycare. Her daughter spotted her from where she was also sitting with Cassie. Her face was already radiant with happiness, and as soon as she saw her mother, Callie swore her daughter's face got even brighter.

"Mommy! This is Cassie!"

"I know!" Callie smiled. "I am helping Cassie feel better. I know you were having fun, but I really need Cassie to come with me." Both girls let out "aww"s in protest, and Callie promised she would bring Cassie back. The smile on Cassie's face at the girls made Callie love the girl just a little bit more.

"So, I suppose you want to get me up and about right now?" Cassie asked as Callie began wheeling her down the hall. Callie smirked, this girl was two steps ahead of her. "I remember reading somewhere that people with brain injury benefit from moving around. I thought with my legs, you'd want to wait."

Callie stopped her when they got back to Cassie's room. Callie handed her crutches and sat down on the bed. "I want you to try and stand. Don't put pressure on the leg. I will be right here." Cassie nodded, taking a deep breath. She tried to push herself up, but everything hurt. Part of her told her that she wasn't ready, a lot of her told her she wasn't ready.

"I'm not ready." Cassie thought, looking at Callie. Callie was a mom, shouldn't she understand that the teenager was in pain? She was used to doing things for herself, she really didn't want to be pushed. She needed Callie to stop.

"I'll help you, c'mon." Callie continued, getting up to help Cassie. Cassie panicked in her bones. She was in a car crash! She was in a car crash and she was with her aunt and...

Callie pulled her up. She stood up, straightening her back. Her back cracked, her neck cracked, she rolled her shoulders gently. She felt loose. She felt the tension cease. She closed her eyes, letting out a breath. She was panicking over nothing. That is what she did. She panicked.

She opened her eyes, looking at Callie. Callie looked confused. "Are you alright?" She asked, not able to read the changing facial expressions on Lexie's daughter's face. Cassie slowly lowered herself back onto the bed with Callie hovering nearby.

"I'm fine." Cassie shook her head, not wanting to delve any further into the topic. That's what she did. She deflected. She avoided being the center of attention. She was never going to be someone's sun, so she was not going to pretend that anyone actually cared what she was feeling.

"Are you sure?" Callie asked, catching the drift of deflection that was laced under her words. "I know I'm not Meredith, or Amelia, or Alex, but you can talk to me. I'm a great listener. I've been through a lot. I've seen a lot."

Cassie raised her eyebrows. These doctors sure were interested in the idea of getting to know her and talk to her. Probably because they all were thinking about their dead friend that died under the plane. She found it slightly amusing, although she wasn't going to tell them about her because despite how much she loved these people, a part of her told her that it wouldn't work out and she wouldn't be able to stay.

"I got into a car crash." Callie started. Cassie looked up, knowing that this doctor could actually relate to her on some level. "I was pregnant at the time, and I woke up with my head on the hood of my car and glass everywhere. God, there was so much glass. So I understand what you are going through. In fact, I wasn't even allowed out of my bed for weeks. So you're lucky, that a day after your surgery you're able to wheel around. It's a very unusual thing. You should consider yourself lucky."

Cassie nodded. She then noticed her aunt standing in the doorway. Was this it? Was this her moment to talkto her aunt? To get to know her?

"Your aunt's flight from Tahiti got in." Meredith bit. "I contacted her, and you know what she told me? She told me you were supposed to be here with Thatcher. That you told her you wanted to spend time with your grandfather. That was a lie, wasn't it? You came to see me!"

Cassie looked at Callie, who in turn looked at Meredith and dismissed herself from the room, sensing that there was about to be a fight.

"Your aunt is going to hate me more than she already does." Meredith said, looking at the girl. "I really don't know what you were trying to achieve with this, but whatever it was, you didn't do it."

Meredith walked out, leaving the teenager in a chair, staring out the window into the Seattle sky.

How did life manage to do the wrong things at the wrong times? Cassie thought that her and Meredith could have spent a little more time together. How could she expect Meredith Grey, the darkest and twistiest, to accept her? She wantes twenty minutes; she was not asking the woman to adopt her for god's sake!

Cassie had always felt alone. Always surrounded by people, but always alone. How that was possible, she wasn't sure. She had held onto the hope that someday she wouldn't be alone anymore. She used to think that it was Meredith that would fill the hole because her mother abandoned her, and was also crushed under a plane.

She really was cursed.

Chapter Text

The truth is, I don't know what it's like to have a sister. I've never had to share a room with someone. I don't have an annoying next door neighbor. However, when someone asks me if I have any siblings, I always answer that I have two younger sisters. A brother or sister has one or both the same parent that you do. However, in order to have a sister, you have to see them on a day to day basis. You have to argue with them about the stupid things like who gets to use the bathroom first in the morning or who has to take the trash out on garbage day. She probably knows me better than I know myself. Her ability to stand on her own, to be her own person, is what I admire the most about her. She can start a conversation with literally anyone literally anywhere. She's not shy, and she's proud of who she is. She is the most selfless person I know. She cares for others and protects them once they are in her corner. And when she smiles, it's honestly the most beautiful thing in the world. I didn't think it was possible to have a person that is so similar to me, but so different. And I don't know what it's like to have a father, but I do know what it's like to have a sister, and it's good.

"Meredith." Molly greeted in distaste. Meredith knew her sister was not a fan of her. The first time they had met, Meredith had been awestruck by the situation and didn't feel it was her place to tell this patient that she was her sister.

After that, Lexie had tried to get the two of them to bond, to meet over coffee, but Molly's husband got stationed again and then Lexie died and it didn't seem necessary anymore. Lexie was her sister; Molly just shared half of her DNA.

"Hi Molly. Cassie's room is this way." Meredith cleared her throat, attempting to keep it professional.

"She came to Seattle to see you. I thought she actually wanted to spend the time with Dad. He hasn't stopped drinking since Lexie died. Why did we agree?" Molly bit, probably mentally slapping herself in the face. Meredith agreed.

"Because Cassie isn't your top priority." Meredith mumbled, before biting her tongue. She shouldn't be getting involved!

"Yes. You must understand that, since you have kids of your own. I had to fly back here from Tahiti. Do you know how hard that is? I can't be responsible for Cassie anymore. That probably makes me sound like an awful person, but..." Molly ran a hand through her hair.

Meredith cut her off again. "What are you going to do with her? Should I call child protective services? Tell them your relinquishing your rights?"

Molly gave Meredith a look that she didn't quite understand.

"Meredith." She started. "Cassie went to all this trouble to come meet you. Doesn't that say something to you? She wants to get to know you. She wants you to be part of her life."

Meredith was taken aback. Was she really expected to just take this teenage girl home and raise her up? She didn't know her. She didn't know her sister for god's sake! She forgot the girl existed half of the time.

She clearly didn't have Cassie under her highest priorities. She let the girl fly alone to Seattle on the premise that she would stay with a drunk man. Was she really that stupid?

"If you're completely against the idea, I'll-"

"No." Meredith cut her off. "I just don't know if that's the best thing. I am a surgeon, I have three young children, she wouldn't be my priority. I don't want her not being my priority. She deserves to be priority."

Molly leaned against the counter. "She's 16 years old. She has her license... that will probably be revoked for getting into an accident. She is used to being on her own. She's good with younger children. She's quiet."

"You sound like you're selling me to her." Meredith mused.

"I don't want her to go back in the system. That's the only reason I took her in the first time. I didn't want what was left of Lexie to be destroyed. That girl in there, she's the last piece of our sister. You probably think I'm cruel and heartless, but I only did what I thought Lexie would have wanted. I know that the circumstances of her adoption weren't that great, but I didn't have a choice. We moved to Tahiti. We moved to Tahiti and my two other kids struggled. Cassie is... she's good at being alone."

"So you only took her in because she's Lexie's kid? You look at her and you see Lexie? You don't see her as her own person?"

"Meredith, you have to understand-"

Meredith didn't know what came over her at that exact minute. She felt like she needed to protect that little girl herself. "Alright I'll do it. Bring me the papers that say that she is mine. Bring them to me." Meredith growled, walking away.

Wait a minute. Had she just volunteered to adopt a teenager? No. She was just under Meredith's custody, and...

Shoot.

Meredith turned back to her sister. "We'll let her decide. If she says no, I will find someone to take care of her."

Meredith walked into Cassie's room. Cassie looked up from the medical file she was reading, courtesy of Amelia. It was on a brain tumor that invaded what she called the dream box. Amelia had gone on and on about Herman, the neonatal surgeon, and her fancy surgery, and Cassie was fascinated.

"What's going on?" Cassie mumbled, watching her aunt pace the length of the room. Meredith didn't respond.

"Meredith? Dr. Grey?" She tried.

What would Meredith do? What would Meredith say? She couldn't get Cassie's hopes up if things didnt go well. Where would Cassie end up if things didn't go well?

Just then, Molly walked into the room. Meredith stopped her pacing, glancing over at her niece. Cassie had completely shut off at the sight of Molly. It was almost scary to watch.

"Cassandra." Molly greeted. "Glad to see you're somewhat still in one piece."

Cassie looked over to Meredith for support. Molly noticed this. "Well, now that you met Meredith, do you feel better? Do you feel accomplished?"

Cassie looked at Mer with a half smile. "Yes, I do. When I was eleven years old and you took me home, I heard you talk about how my mommy and aunt were both surgeons. My mom was already dead, but my aunt was still around. Not to mention that she's Meredith Grey. THE Meredith Grey. I waited ten years to meet her. So yes, I feel accomplished. Whatever Mer wants to do with that and with me, she can. I can take it."

Meredith bit her lip. This kid was going to be the end of her. "Cassie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Cassie didn't hesitate. "A surgeon."

"Where do you want to go to college? Have you given it any thought yet?"

"I don't know yet. Somewhere in the US. Maybe Stanford." Meredith couldn't help but think of her person, walking around the frat house in her Stanford sweatpants and sweatshirt. She felt like Cassie was meant to be there with them. It seemed like she was a part of them, in a way. Alex would attest; Amelia would attest.

"Cassie..." Meredith started. "Cassie look at me." Cassie look up, and in that moment all Meredith saw was Lexie, her kid sister. How could she have ever said no? She had nust yelled at Molly for seeing only Lexie in the girl, but it was just so much a part of her. Sge was shy, booksmart, and looked just like her younger sister. Same brown hair, same eyes, same smile. "Cassie, do you want to move to Seattle and live with me?"

Cassie looked confused. Her eyes darted from Meredith, to Molly, back to Meredith. "What?"

Molly cleared her throat. "It's your decision. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go back with me. You're not happy, Cassandra. You've never been happy. I can't balme you. You deserved better. You deserve better."

Meredith cut in. "You could join the military as a surgeon in Tahiti someday. I kniw lots of doctors who've done it."

Molly cut her off. "Cassie won't be doing anything like that for a long time. She goes back, and she studies. You'll graduate within six months anyways."

"You're graduating as a sophomore?" Meredith raised her eyebrows. "You're pretty smart, kid."

"She can graduate yes, but going to a public school in America will give her advantages. She could take internships, she could go to college and take classes early. There's not much she can do in Tahiti."

Cassie kept looking back and forth. Part of her said to go back with Molly, because Molly had taken her in and to leave would be unappreciative. The larger part of her told her to stay with Meredith. Meredith meant opportunity. It meant college classes and internships and...

Meredith. Meredith was her aunt. She loved the idea of having Meredith be her aunt. It's crazy; Cassie didn't think it was possible to feel so connected with a person that she had just met. Maybe this was how people felt when they met their soulmates. The loves of their lives. When Meredith met Derek, did she just know? And with Meredith came Zola, Bailey, Ellis, Alex, Amelia, Maggie... even a part of her mom. Her mom was in this hospital. She was a part of all of these doctors.

How could she pass up the chance to get to know all of them?

"Aunt Molly." She started meekly. Meredith looked away at that instant, avoiding eye contact with her niece. Had Meredith assumed that Cassie was going to completely reject her? Or was she avoiding it because she was happy and couldn't look her in the eye. "I want to thank you for everything you've done for me. You took me in and gave me a home. And for that, I am forever grateful. I know what I did to get here was manipulative and totally uncool. I want to apologize for your having to come out here. But now that we are here, I just have to say it. Meredith-" She waited for the general surgeon to make eye contact with her. "I would like to come live with you, if that's alright." And Cassie waited. She waited for some sort of reaction from her aunt. Was she happy? Was she sad? Her aunt Molly smiled at her; Meredith just stared.

"Um, Meredith." Cassie cleared her throat. "If you don't want me, just say so. I can't be the kid brought in by obligation. I know I'm not important to either of you. I am your dead sister's kid." She mumbled. "I don't want to be a burden again."

Meredith finally met her eyes. She made her way to the bed and sat down on it. Placing her hands on top of Cassie's, she formed a small smile along her lips. "Cassie, I want to get to know you for you. Not because you're my sister's kid. Because you want to be a surgeon and really... I would be happy to open my house to you. They used to call it a frat house for a reason. Everyone who lives there is my family. And you're my family. So you fit. I don't know what I'm doing right now, but if you're willing to try this, then so am I."

Cassie smiled back at her aunt. This was the start of something new.

...

Meredith and Molly made their way into the hallway of the pediatric floor. Meredith made eye contact with Alex when she passed him and Arizona standing at the nurse's station. 'We have a teenager and here comes the speech' was the attempted message.

"Cassie has, erm, emotional problems that I feel you need to be aware of. Meredith, she has the self esteem of a pickle. Pickles don't have self esteem."

"Why a pickle? Why not an apple?"

"Cause Cassandra hates apples. Thinks they shouldn't be a fruit. Regardless, she's always had a chip on her shoulder about how we only took her in because she was Lexie's kid. In a way she was right, we would have never taken her in had she not been a member of our family. But she feels like that's all she is. That we could never love her as our own. That she's just the resident babysitter. Part of me has always felt that Cassie would have tried to run had we not been on a military base on a very small island. She didn't have that option there, but she'll have it here. Talk to her. Make sure she's okay. I don't think Cassie would go so far as to hurt herself, but..."

"Okay," Meredith cut her off. "I understand your concern. I live in a house with two or three other doctors. We're all surgeons. We will see the signs and such. Cassie will always have our support."

"You say that now. Things change when you have three younger children and Cassie. Cassie is self sufficient, so she will get shoved to the side. It happened when she first came to live with us. It will happen with you too. She will always feel inferior until she has a set of her own parents."

Meredith looked at her sister, hating her just a little less. Maybe she wasn't as clueless as they originally thought. "Wasn't she in the foster system for a point in time?"

"Until she was eleven. I don't think there was a point in that time when she was happy. She was always the last one to get to eat, the last one to get a toy, the last one anyone ever wanted to talk to. She was always reading, always absorbing new information. She has an absolutely brilliant mind. The other kids didn't understand that. So when they heard her say words that were, well, intelligent, they freaked out. They called her freak girl. She trained herself to be alone. To be okay with being alone. When she came to live with us, she didn't talk much, still doesn't to this day. Always bonding with the kids though. We tried to get her to talk to someone, but she wouldn't."

"Maybe it will be different for her here." Meredith bit. Her mind bounced back to Zola, and then after a brief moment, Lexie. She didn't think she could be the maternalistic and older sister type. But she did. For both of them. She always feared the inability to be a mom because her mother was not the best at it. She proved herself wrong on so many occasions. She cleared her throat.

"We'll give this a try. If it doesn't work, then we'll figure something else out."

Molly nodded. "I, uh, will call some time in the next week, if that's alright. My lawyers will send over the papers."

Meredith wrote down her cell number on a prescription pad, handing it to her younger sister.

"Meredith?" The younger Grey sister asked, staring at Meredith from across the way.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for doing this for her. She has a chance to be happy. That's all I can hope for. You're a good person, Meredith."

Maybe they did have a chance. The bigger part of Meredith, said no, that that was absolutely crazy. She cleared her throat, walking back to where Alex is standing. Her look must've been one of shock, cause Alex furrowed his eyebrows.

"What is that look?"

"Cassie is mine. Molly is giving me her rights. I don't know how this happened. I don't know how I ended up with a teenager. I can't take care of her. She had emotional issues, ones that I have no idea how to handle. If Molly, who is probably bright and shiny and perfect, couldn't do it, how can I?"

Alex smiled at her. "Because you relate to her in a way that Molly can't. Molly wasn't abandoned by her parents. I can relate to that, but Maggie can't. We understand what it's like to be forgotten. That's why we understand her. That's why we can reach her in a way that Molly couldn't."

Meredith frowned. "I don't think I can do this."

Alex just smirked at her. "You're already doing it. And she's great with the kids. Shepherd adores her... give it a chance. Give her a chance. This could work. And if it doesn't, well, we'll worry about that later." Alex gave her a pat on the shoulder and walked away, tablet in hand.

...

Molly walked back into her niece's room. She needed to talk to her. She needed to say those words.

Looking up from her book, Cassie acknowledged her aunt standing there. She was momentarily stunned. She didn't expect this.

"Cassie," she started, walking closer to the bed. "I'm so proud of you. Of the woman you've become. You're going to be a phenomenal surgeon. Just like your mom and your aunt."

Cassie was actively caught off guard by all of this. She didn't expect this from her aunt. Her aunt was a silent approver. She knew her aunt knew what she was doing when she asked to go to Seattle. She knew this because Molly had originally said no, but then thought about it. She must've realized why. It wasn't about Thatcher; it was about Meredith. Molly didn't blame her for wanting to new her aunt, Molly had wanted the same thing, although not to the same degree as Lexie.

Her aunt reached over and stroked her cheek. "Be good, Cass. Be the good."

...

Meredith let out a deep breath, looking at the girl from where she stood at the nurse's station. She was still reading Amelia's case notes, her eyes flickering from line to line. She looked peaceful alone, with no one prodding her or trying to interrogate her. That was how she built herself up, to be a woman of steel.

Meredith took another deep breath before marching into Cassie's room. Cassie looked up.

"Amelia lives in my house, so she's agreed to let you go home. Callie's daughter and my daughter are best friends, so she said she would come check on your leg as long as you don't put any weight on it. So, I think it's time you go home."

Home. Was Meredith's house now her home? Was it that simple? Was it that easy to become part of something bigger?

Who knows.

Chapter Text

Family isn't just blood. It's the people you choose to have in your life and the people they choose to have in theirs. Family isn't just forced hellos and dreaded dinners, it's laughing roughly and smiling softly. Roommates putting up an absurd amount of Christmas decorations. Baking muffins. Waffle Sundays (whatever that means). Dancing it out with your person. Family is sitting around a campfire loving the moment you've created together. Then the moment hits you. You begin to realize that this moment won't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Someday, these people will have their own lives and own families. These people won't be sitting in a circle, loving you, and loving the family they've created together. The unknown, it's scary. Someday this will all be a memory. It might be sooner rather than later. They'll all be gone, some of them will even be dead, under a plane, under a bus, under a semi. And I will still be here, alone.

What fun is that?

"Easy, Cass. You shouldn't even be on your feet." Alex fussed. Cassie crutched through the front door, not really getting to spend the time to appreciate her first time walking in her new house as she would have liked to.

"Alex, you wheeled me out of the hospital, put me in the car, and basically carried me up the steps. I will crutch myself to the couch!" Cassie grunted.

"Wow." Alex chirped. "Someone didn't get too much sleep on the pediatric floor. Were you up all night watching the crappy soap operas?"

With an eye roll, Cassie slowly made her way to the couch, plopping down with a sense of satisfaction. She wasn't completely useless. She couldn't bear being so helpless. She was used to taking care of herself.

Alex walked over to her with a pillow and a blanket. He also had a stack of medical journals that he dropped next to her, along with the tv remote. Cassie mumbled a thank you and awkwardly looked down, waiting for him to leave. But he just stood there with his arms crossed. Cassie peered up at him.

"Do you need something?" She chuckled sarcastically.

"I'm staying with you all day because Meredith is working, and today was my day off, but that's about it." He plopped down next to her on the couch, slouching back and putting his feet up on the coffee table. He looked at her expectantly, as if he wanted her to say something.

Cassie turned her head to look at Alex. "I don't know what it is you want me to say." Cassie responded. "I'm sitting in my aunt's house, that my mother lived in. Her ghost might be here." She chuckled. "She would probably be ashamed of my presence. She got rid of me, didn't she?"

Alex turned to face his person's niece. She was a mini Lexie, and despite how him and Lexie had ended, he always knew that she was supposed to end up with Sloan. And he, at that point in his life, never thought he was actually going to get over Izzie, so he screwed everything in his sight. That's what he did when he got upset. It was, by all means, the worst thing he could have done, but he didn't know better. But he wanted Cassie to know better. "I know you've got thoughts running through your head. You can share them if you want, or whatever it is you girls do, or whatever."

"Are you the one Meredith talks to when she gets into drama?" Cassie chuckled. "Why does that not surprise me, in a way. It makes sense. You're both so cynical. She's like, 'everyone's dead' and you're like, well, you won't tell me but you have some crap, or whatever." she added, imitating him just a little bit.

"This isn't about me, it's about you." Alex frowned, was she trying to get into his business? What gave her the notion that that was the smart idea?

Cassie frowned, a little guiltily. This was not the way she wanted to start her first day as a Grey. If she pissed off Alex, then she by all means indirectly pissed off Meredith, and she was getting kicked out. She didn't know where she would end up at that point.

"Sorry." she mumbled. "It's none of my business."

Alex noticed her change in demeanor. He was so bad at all of this teenage girl crap! For the amount of time he had been Meredith's person, he had had to deal with all of this. But it felt different, doing with a teenager. Their perspective on the world was completely different. The hope was that they had a brighter light in which they saw the world. But the reality was, at least for this teen, that had bounced in foster homes and been the freak, the world was horribly dim.

"Look kid. You really wanna hear about my life... or do you want to see something?"

Cassie raised her eyebrows. "See what?"

Alex got up from the couch, taking a sprint towards and up the stairs. He knew where Meredith kept the box, she refused to move it even when Alex had bought the house off of her. Alex had, that morning, asked her if he could show it to Cassie. Meredith had wanted to be the one to do it herself, but she figured that she wouldn't have the time, and that Alex was less bound to start bawling at the box.

Throwing the attic door open, he noticed the four boxes sitting in the corner, next to the Christmas ornaments. Four normal brown cardboard boxes sealed with clear tape. Approaching them, he noticed the handwriting on the box. It was Derek's, as Meredith had been unable to do the deed of packing Lexie's things. Derek had wanted to donate them, but Meredith refused. She had argued that it was all she had left of her sister.

Alex tossed the boxes down the stairs, landing them all near the front door. Cassie looked alarmed at the loud noise, but then jumped up at the sight of the boxes.

"Are these what I think they are?" she whispered, peering the handwriting dictating "Lexie" on the side of the box. She ran her hand across the marker. She looked up at Alex, who was trudging down the stairs.

Alex looked at her, a little bit pitifully. "Yeah. That's all that was left. Meredith insisted that I didn't touch them, ever. I think Derek tried to convince her to get rid of them, but she said no."

Cassie began attempting to kick the box towards the couch, then realizing it was nearly impossible with the crutches. Alex read her mind and, one by one, carried them to the couch, placing them right there. The two of them were back on the couch, Cassie opening the flaps on the first box. Frowning, she saw that it was mostly clothes (that were kind of cute?), a Harvard sweatshirt (that she was definitely keeping). Holding the sweatshirt to her nose, she found that it smelled like some sort of perfume and she actually recognized the smell to some extent. It felt familiar to her. It felt like home.

As she continued digging through the box, she found more clothes. Folding everything, minus the Harvard sweatshirt, she placed that box to the sound and found another. More clothes. The third box seemed to be full of trinkets and random objects. She didn't know if they were of any significance, but they were her mother's, so she would keep them and put them in her room or whatever. The last box was full of Lexie's med school textbooks. She pulled them all out, studying the covers. She would definitely read all of them.

And at the very bottom of the box, was a beautiful edition of Gray's Anatomy. Cassie almost laughed at the irony. She had always wondered if her aunt and mother ever thought it was funny how their name was almost on a medical textbook. Opening the box, her eyes widened at the sight of a small envelope wedged in page 504... her birthday, May 4th...

She opened the blank envelope, only feeling a little bit guilty as she unfolded the stapled notebook paper covered in words and words in purple pen. She felt her heart skip a beat when she realized the starting line was "To my dear daughter..."

Cassie jumped in her skin when she heard the front door slam, and in walked Amelia witha bag that, with a smell as good as that, had to be hamburgers. She smirked at Amelia. "Honey, I'm home! And I brought hamburgers and fries and frosties of course!"

The three of them huddled around the couch, enjoying their food. Cassie attempted to sit up, but with the pain all over her body, she slouched back in defeat. Amelia and Alex were talking about a patient, and Cassie tuned out, just enjoying her food. She stopped when she noticed that the two adults on the couch were staring at her. Was she doing something wrong? She looked down at her plaid shirt subconsciously. Nothing had spilled, so what was the issue?

"You dip your fries in your frosty? That's disgusting!" Alex scrunched his nose in dislike. Oh. That is what they were fussing over? At that point, she really didn't care about her irrational fear of them sending her away. She was going to eat her fries dipped in frosty. Those who did not understand the concept of sweet and salty were not properly educated, even if they did spent four extra years of their lives in med school.

"Yeah, I do. It;s good. You should try it." and with a satisfied grin, she dipped four fries in her dip and put them all in her mouth, smiling. "You can send me back to Tahiti. Just please don't confiscate my fries and frosty."

Cassie's grin faded at the sight of Amelia's frown. She glanced at Alex before turning back to the young girl. "You shouldn't be making cynical jokes. I'm the queen of cynical jokes. You're actually trying to hide the fact that you're scared you're going to get sent back. And that's awful. If you believe it, it's going to happen. Don't believe that for a second. If Mer doesn't want you, I will keep you. But, Cass, Mer wants you. I know it might not seem like it because she's not here with you, but she really is happy that you're here."

Amelia left out the part that Meredith had gone to Bailey and asked for a few days off to spend with Cassie, and Bailey had agreed with the sentiment that she finished out her surgeries that day. Alex would slap her if she spoiled that surprise.

"Yeah, sure." Cassie agreed, not wanting to argue.

Amelia halfway frowned at her niece, knowing she was just trying to get Amelia to stop talking. It was understandable, really, but something told her that she was like this with everyone.

"So. What do you want for dinner? Since it's your first night in this house, you get to pick." Alex bit, cutting the two girls off before they started an argument.

Cassie turned from Amelia to him, a smirk forming on her lips. "And you're going to agree to it, even if it's disgusting?"

Alex scowled, knowing she was trying to push her buttons."Yes."

"Alright." Cassie clapped her hands together in mock seriousness. "First things first. Soup. I want the fancy cream of chicken stuff with the rice. It's so good. And a caesar salad for the
salad dish. And the main course can be either steak or lobster. I'm not picky. And for dessert, I will only have double fudge chocolate cake."

Alex grinned back at her. "So what do you actually want?"

"Mac and cheese." Cassie answered, without hesistation. "I haven't had it since I was in foster care. Preferably not the chincy one, but I can live with that." Cassie mumbled. "If that's not too much to ask..."

Alex scoffed at her. "Are you kidding me? I was getting ready to go to the store and buy a lobster for you! Mac and cheese just puts my offer to shame!"

Cassie let out a laugh. "Thanks Alex." She turned to Amelia, a little but of guilt rising in her stomach. "You're right. I agree with people even when I don't agree with their opinion. It's easier to let them win their own fight than to actually fight in it."

Amelia nodded, moving to sit next to the girl. "I think that's a part of being a teenager. I was never like that, and I don't think most outspoken teens are. But you're not. You're shy and passionate and you're different. God, Cassie, you're going to be such a great adult someday. I say that in a nonoffensive way because I still have no idea how to be an adult."

Cassie laughed. "Gosh, now you're going to make me feel bad for asking if we could watch a Disney movie, or a Barbie movie. Whichever Zola has! I need to pretend to be five for like an hour. Is that too much to ask?"

"No. You're cuter than Zola when you ask. I've only seen Frozen like fifty times in the last month."

"My cousins loved that movie. I loved the part about the sisters." She bit. "I wonder what it was like for them. Lex and Mer. They were such polar opposites. But they loved each other and..."

Amelia sensed her niece's distress, putting an arm around the teen when she let out a gulp. "We can watch any movie you want, Cass. I know that you've been shoved into this family, but there really isn't much you can do except talk to Meredith abour her. Learn everything. Every quirk. Every detail. Because as much as it breaks my heart, some mothers and their children simply aren't in the books to end up together." Amelia gulped. The unicorn baby... at least Cassie was alive and thriving.

"I know. I'm never going to meet her. And that breaks my heart." She wiped a stray tear from her eye. "Does Zola have Princess and the Pauper?"

An hour and a half of Cassie relaying her problems in a children's film that made her feel much better (even Alex watched) later, Maggie, Meredith and her three kids walked in to see Amelia, Alex and Cassie all asleep on the couch with the Princess and the Pauper menu running running on a loop.

Meredith smirked in amusement at the sight. She would make fun of Alex for that one later. Zola peered her eyes at the girl in the middle of her aunt and uncle. She tugged on Meredith's pant leg.

"Mommy, is that Cassie?"

Meredith let out a big smile at her baby girl.

"Yea, Zo, it is."

Chapter Text

Everyone's goal in life is 'to be happy'. To be happy means something different for each person. It could mean finding the love of your life. It could mean raising children. It could mean getting the job of your dreams. The problem is, once we get what we want, we want something else. It seems like we will never reach the point of happy. Maybe we're missing something. Maybe we have been happy all along but are too wrapped up to notice it. Maybe we're crazy, fighting for something we already have.

Meredith stood at the kitchen island, leaning over it and staring at her niece snoozing on the couch. She looked like she was twelve, happily tucked under a blanket, her face relaxed. If Meredith felt one thing, it was that Cassie didn't deserve the Grey curse. It was just that, a curse. Even without being a Grey for the first few years of her life, she still suffered with the symptoms.

She stood there for a while, and eventually she saw Zola running into the kitchen with Bailey on her tail.

"Mommy! Can we have juice boxes?"

Meredith shook out of her thoughts, looking down at her daughter. It was then that she realized that when they had walked in, Zola had already known who Cassie was. It hadn't struck her until now. The two of them hadn't met, at least not on Meredith's watch.

"Hey. Zo." She said, as she moved to grab the two juice boxes. "How did you know Cassie?"

Zola peered up at her mother. Was she going to be mad? "I played with her at daycare. Lexie's her mom." She mumbled, as if Meredith hadn't known and wasn't reminded of that fact everyday. Meredith let out a sigh. She wondered if it had been Alex or Amelia or Maggie that had done that.

"Can Cassie play with me?" Zola asked, oblivious to her mother's train of thought. "She's so fun! She plays Barbies with me!"

Meredith handed her daughter the two juice boxes. "Make sure Bailey is sitting at the table when he drinks it." She mumbled, walking with her daughter into the living room, where Bailey was sitting on the ground with a toy. She lifted her baby boy into his chair. She again found her eyes wondering to Alex, Amelia, and Cassie all crashed on the couch.

It was cute, really. Alex had laid down sideways, bending his legs so they wouldn't bump into Cassie. Amelia was on the other side, her head flopped back. And Cassie, her sweet beautiful niece, had her feet propped up on the table and was slouched as far back as she could go.

Maggie walking in the door and slamming it caused the three of them to jump from their slumber. Alex observed his surroundings, looking up at Mer before standing up and walking over to join her where she was sitting next to Zola and Bailey. Maggie just blinked, walking into the kitchen with bags of groceries. Yes, she was making mac and cheese, as Alex had texted her to do.

"Why are you making that face?" He asked her. "It's bluntly obvious."

"What face?" Meredith asked.

Alex snorted. "The 'my dead sister's secret baby is on my couch with my person and my sister face. It's the most popular face this season." His eyes stared her down. "Are you okay?"

Meredith looked at her person, her eyes darting between her son, daughter, and niece. "Yeah. I just- I never pictured this, you know? Life has managed to surprise me once again. I didn't think I could take any more surprises. Even though this is one of the best, next to my three kids."

Cassie slowly maneuvered her leg off of the table. Amelia watched her, not wanting to seem overbearing but also right there to help her if she stumbled. Amelia honestly didn't know how she had fallen so in love with this kid. She was too sweet.

The younger Grey spotted her aunt across the room. Just the person she had wanted to see all day, although she wasn't entirely sure the feeling was mutual. "Hey Cass." Meredith greeted as her niece slowly made her way across the living room. Her niece looked a little crazy. Her hair was stuck up in the back, she was wearing Amelia's sweatpants, and a sweatshirt that probably belonged to Maggie. She looked adorable; she looked 13.

"Hi Mer. Aunt Meredith? Dr. Grey?" She questioned, almost a little awkwardly. She didn't know how formal and proud of her doctoring her aunt was. She really didn't know Meredith at all. That scared her.

"Mer is fine." The older woman chuckled. "How was your day?"

Alex moved out of the chair next to Mer and helped Cassie sit down. She put her head in her hands and looked at her aunt. "It was alright. I watched some children's films, looked through my dead mother's belongings... you know, the usual."

Meredith's heart skipped a beat at the mention of the boxes. She knew Alex had done it, but she hadn't actually expected it to come up in conversation. She didn't know why, of course Cassie would have questions. "Alex told me. Did you find anything?"

Cassie chose to ignore the letter that was shoved up her sweater arm. "Yeah. I am going to keep her Harvard sweatshirt, and her books and knick knacks, if that's alright."

Meredith nodded. "Of course. You can keep all of it." She stood up from the table. "There are a couple other things I think that you should have for your room. I know we haven't bought furniture or even figured out where you're going to sleep while you can't go up the stairs, but I think you'll want to have these."

Cassie watched as her aunt bounced into the kitchen, opened a drawer, and walked over with what appeared to be a brown shoe box. She sat down next to her niece again, her eyes swimming just a little with unshed tears.

She let out a small smile. "These were never in the boxes upstairs. Sometimes I pull it out of the drawer and talk to her. She has a lot to say, you know. Most of it has something to do with me being too dark and twisty, and Derek picking on her up there."

Cassie pulled the box towards her, opening it. It was a small wooden box, most likely a jewelry box. The first thing she found upon opening it was a picture of Meredith and Lexie. Meredith looked a lot younger and lot more happy. And Lexie was simply radiant. Cassie could see why everyone said she looked like her. Same eyes, same hair, same smile. This was the first time in her life that she seen a picture of the woman. Next to that was, surprisingly, a picture of Molly, Lexie, and Meredith. This must have been her mother's doing, although all three of them were smiling. They were sisters, after all.

There were pictures from Lexie as a child, to her high school graduation, to Harvard graduation, to her first day at Seattle Grace. She wore the same smile every time. Happy. Without a care in the world. Upon pulling everything out of the box, she took the cardboard bottom of the box out with it. Shrugging, she picked up the last two pictures faced down. One was of a very young Meredith with a doll, and one was of a very young baby and a very young Lexie.

Cassie sucked out a breath. Of course there was a picture like this. There was always the hidden picture of the secret baby in the bottom of the box. Meredith saw Cassie's face, but she didn't know what her niece was looking at. She waited until her niece was ready. And surely, a few moments later, Cassie slid the picture across the table to her aunt.

Her aunt studied it with a sad smile. Her kid sister had a kid daughter and never told her. She wished Lexie would have told her sooner. She didn't know what she would have done with the information, considering Molly waited until Lexie was dead to go get the girl. Maybe she had hoped that it would have been Lexie to do it? But Lexie had spent all of her energy getting her sister to love her, and then Mark Sloan, and trying to be the best surgeon she could be. She liked to believe that her sister would have gotten her niece, but she didn't know.

Derek would have probably found her the minute he found out. Maybe Mark too. (but who really knows considering the Sloane situation?)

"Do you think she wanted me?" Cassie whispered. Meredith scooted her chair closer to her niece, figuring she needed to be her niece's person right then and there.

"I don't know, Cass. But I do know that I want you. You're wanted here."

Cassie didn't want it to go like this. She tried to swallow it down, tried to pretend that the those four words weren't eating her insides. "My mom is dead." she whimpered, silently begging her aunt to hug her or something. She wasn't good at touchy feely, she had lived without it her whole life, and yet here she was. Meredith wasn't touchy feely either, she thought.

"Cass, come here." her aunt whispered to her, literally putting her chair next to hers so the girl could lean on her. Cass eventually gave in, leaning against her aunt, letting her aunt stroke her hair, leaning into the touch. It was nice. For a cold person, Meredith was surprisingly warm.

"This isn't fair, Cass. But you have me and Alex and..."

"You have me!" Another voice cut in. Cassie removed her head from Meredith's shoulder to see Zola standing there. "Why are you sad, Cassie?"

Cassie wiped a tear she didn't know was there from her eye, looking at her younger cousin. "I am so lucky to have you, Zola. I'm hoping you'll let me play with me later. And I am hope you're not mad I borrowed your movie. Princess and The Pauper was one of my favorite movies when I was your age."

"Of course I am not mad! We can watch all my Barbie movies and play Barbies." The younger girl chirped. Cassie loved this kid so much. She was used to being the oldest and playing with the youngings, but Zola was different. Maybe it was because she was different. That wasn't a diss on being adopted, considering Cassie's situation. There was a part of her that felt that Zola felt like an outsider, being the black sheep in the white family. She could relate to that just a little.

"Cassie!" Alex called from the kitchen. "Your homemade, not chincy mac and cheese is done!" Alex, Maggie, and Amelia began bringing things to the table. Cassie wanted to help, but the truth was that her legs were killing her.

Amelia put Ellis in her high chair, Maggie placed the salad and pasta on the table, and Alex brought plates and wine glasses. It must have been one of those kind of days.

Cassie admired the fact that it was her first family dinner, and she was planted between Zola and Meredith. She knew this wasn't a usual doing, they probably usually were still at work at this time of the day, but she was going to appreciate the moment for as long as she could.

Cassie smiled at them. "Thank you for this. You guys probably had work to do."

The four doctors looked at each other. Cassie knew they were doing that thing where they communicated without speaking, but Cassie couldn't translate.

Amelia started. Cassie noticed she had water, not wine, in front of her. "We're doctors. It's what we do. And it's time consuming. But we will make time for you. We will always make time for you."

"I have the next week off, so you and I can spend some time together." Meredith cut in. "I figured we could use it to get to know each other better."

"Our point is that one of us will always answer the call when you need us. Even if we're busy. Even if we have a million things to do. Even if we have our hands in someone's body cavity. You're our first priority."

Cassie nodded. "Thanks guys. I'm pretty independent though." Cassie knew they were going to tell her she was still a child and needed adult supervision.

"You are." Meredith agreed. "But you don't have to be."

Cassie nodded, at a loss for words. She didn't say anything else, enjoying the surprisingly very good mac and cheese. Mer couldn't cook, so as long as it was one of the other three adulrs making dinner, she was bound to be fine and not get food poisoning.

Excusing herself to get some air, Cassie found herself sitting on the swing on the porch. It was very comfortable for her leg, as it wasn't in any particular twisted position.

She pulled the envelope out of her sleeve. She didn't know if she was ready for what she was about to read. She had been waiting for this piece of paper for her whole life. She wiped the nervous sweat off her palms before opening the envelope gently with her nail. Her heart skipped a beat as her eyes met purple pen scribbles. Mom.

To my dear daughter,

If you're reading this it means that I've found you or Meredith has found you. If it was Meredith, that probably means something happened to me. The Grays Anatomy book was the first thing I stole from Meredith (I'm a bit of a pickpocket.) It's the thing that connects us all. Our name. We are all Greys. I'm hoping that it's you reading this, otherwise someone else probably just found out something that they didn't know before.

The first thing on your mind is probably why. Why did I give you up? Why didn't I try to find you? I gave you up because I had my whole life ahead of me. At first I wanted to keep you because you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I wanted to be a doctor just to get to know my sister. It was all I could think about, besides you. You deserved better than a mother that was in med school, or at least my parents told me. They told me that someday, if we were lucky, we could be together. And now I'm starting to think it's possible. I am in a good spot to get a neuro fellowship here with Dr. Shepherd next year. Once everything is settled with that, I think I'll try and find you. Maybe you got lucky, maybe you found a family that loves you. If that's the case, I will understand if you don't want to get to know me. I can't help but doubt that that is what happened. Part of me feels that you weren't lucky, and because of me you didn't get a good childhood.

I wish you the best, even if you hate me, even if you resent me. You'll always have my love, whether or not you want it.

I hope you're growing up to be everything you ever dreamed you would be. I already know you're everything I dreamed you would be.

All my love,
your mother,
Lexie Grey

Cassie didn't realize she was sobbing hardly until her tears began smearing the ink on the page, and she rubbed the tears out of her eyes. Her mother was going to try and find her. Her mother had wanted her. She was wanted. Sure, she had given her up in the first place, and Cassie didn't know if she could forgive her mother for that, but it seemed like she been trying to make up for it. Had her mother died before getting the chance to even try?

"Hey Cass..." The screen door opened, and Cassie looked up to see her aunt standing there, leaning into the door. She noticed her niece's tear blotched face. Her smile slowly faded before Meredith plopped down next to her, slowly prying the letter out of her hand. Her eyes also filled with tears at the sight, her hand over her mouth. How could she had not known? She'd never opened the box in five years. She could have found out about Cassie. It seemed like everyone else in the Grey family knew.

"Cass..." Meredith started. "Maybe this, maybe all of this happened for a reason. I know this sounds crazy coming out my mouth, but it's the only thing that makes sense. Lexie was going to find you, but then... then she couldn't anymore. You found your way to me. Maybe, in some crazy Grey curse logic, you were supposed to end up with me."

Cassie didn't respond, still numbly staring at the letter in her aunt's hand. Why had this happened to her? Why her? Why not any other teenager on this planet? Why her? Maybe she was supposed to feel lucky. That she did have family that wanted her. Meredith wanted her, and to some extent, Molly did too. Molly wanted her to be happy. Meredith wanted her to be happy. The problem was that Cassie didn't know how to be happy. She'd never been happy in her life.

Cassie sniffled. She felt different here in Seattle. She felt like she belonged here. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm supposed to end up here, with you."

Cassie let Meredith wrap an arm around her and lightly swing the swing.

Chapter Text

Life is going to throw crap at you. It's an inevitable part of living, of being human. Half of the time it leaves you bawling on the bathroom floor wondering what you did wrong, and the other half leaves you rolling your eyes and walking away. The drama, the pain, the heartache, it exists for everyone. Everyone has something, someone that they never thought they would lose. When we lose them, we don't think we are ever going to survive. Somehow, we do, and we come out stronger than we came in. The truth is, the friendships we create, the bonds we form, the times we laugh, they can all diminish with one shout and one glare. We can try to rekindle these relationships, but sometimes it might be better to take the loss. Time goes on. People move on. Life continues. That's just the way it is.

"Cass..." Meredith coaxed.

The younger Grey didn't know how long the two of them sat on the swing. Cassie was so relaxed that she had just closed her eyes and let Meredith rock the swing while in her own thoughts.

"Let's migrate to the couch..." Meredith declared, slowly getting up from the swing and offering assistance to the girl with the crutches. Cassie slowly made her way inside and collapsed onto the couch again. Her aunt wandered away into the kitchen, bringing back two hot chocolates with whipped cream. At the look on her niece's face, she looked down in slight shame.

"Sorry. Amelia and Alex keep telling me that putting whipped cream on top is gross, but I do it anyway. It's like frosties with french fries. It's a thing only certain people understand."

"You eat your french fries with frosty?" Cassie asked, actually surprised by the idea that her and her aunt could have something in common.

Meredith nodded as if it were obvious. "Of course."

Cassie took the GSMH mug from her aunt with a thank you, taking the extra second to stare at her name, that was her mother in which they were remembering, on the mug. "So now what?" She asked her aunt. "I really don't know anything about you. We've been hugging like we've known each other for my whole life, which to the best of my recollection, we did not."

Meredith leaned back. She loved the kid, that much she knew, but she didn't know if she could take her asking questions. She looked up at her niece with a now cold stare.

Cassie read this immediately, having learned how to read expressions and movements at a young age. She had made Meredith angry. She thought it was possible. Meredith was going to force her to go back into foster care in Seattle because she reminded her of her dead sister. Screw belonging. There was no such thing.

"Meredith." She started. "Can I take my mother's stuff when I go?"

Meredith's expression changed into one of confusion. "Where are you going?"

Cassie let out a laugh. "Isn't this the part where you say it's too hard for you, that I remind you too much of her, and that its better if I go?"

Meredith's eyes softened. "Cassie, this isn't some temporary solution. This isn't me seeing if you fit. You fit the minute you walked in the door. You're not leaving unless you want to leave. Do you want that?"

"Of course not." Cassie immediately responded. "I just... always assume the worse. That's what my life is. I know I haven't been a foster kid in five years, but I was still a foster kid for the first ten years of my life. I bounced, I almost got adopted. I almost..." she stopped short. "I still have that mindset. It lives within me."

Meredith nodded. "You have to understand then, that I have a mindset too. It's not like yours exactly. I always think bad things are going to the people around me because they did. I don't like to talk about it."

"Maybe you should talk about it. With a professional."

Meredith laughed. "I did. Many times. I always had to get cleared for work every time there was a catastrophe." Meredith decided against mentioning how good she was at playing shrinks. That was probably one of the things you didn't tell your children.

"I had mandated therapy in foster care." She leaned towards her aunt's ear, as if to tell her sister. "Shrinks are pretty clueless. They believe the lies too easily."

Goodness. Was this kid her and Lexie's half and half child? It was like they ripped half of Lexie and half of her and blended the two of them together. Molly wasn't present at all, that she could tell.

Cassie looked up. "Was.. my mom okay? After the shooting? And... was she okay when the plane crashed? Was she awake?"

Cassie wasn't going to stop asking questions; Meredith reasoned. She couldn't really blame her for that. She had questions. They were questions for Lexie that Meredith was left to answer. Could she do it? Cassie was too old for her to lie. The girl wouldn't forgive her.

"She slept in the psych ward after the shooting. I stayed with her. And when the plane went down, she was awake and responsive. But she had a hemothorax... and her arm..." she swallowed hardly. "Cass, this stuff... I'm not sure if you should know."

Cassie wanted to sneer at her. "She's already dead. And I've pictured it, what she looked like in her last moments. Whatever you're going to tell me isn't worse than what I've pictured."

So Meredith told her. Answered every question. They watched Finding Nemo, drank hot chocolate, and ate salty popcorn before Cassie fell asleep on the couch, and Meredith fell asleep on the loveseat across from her.

...

"Would it be blackmail to take a picture of her now?" Amelia joked. "She had a field day when we fell asleep."

Alex snorted. "Was she supposed to let her sleep alone on her first night in the house? Granted, they were probably about dead mothers and sisters or whatever. Meredith was being all bright and shiny for Cass. Big deal."

Amelia, Maggie, and Alex got the kids ready for daycare and fed them breakfast. Zola kept eyeballing her mommy and Cassie asleep. Was this how it was going to be now that Cassie was here? Was her mommy going to forget about her and her brother and sister?

"Aunt Amy..." she started, trying to get her aunt's attention. Her aunt's eyes flickered from Ellis to her older niece. She raised her eyebrows in question. "Is Mommy..." she looked down. Amy was a grown up too; she wasn't going to give her a real answer. "Never mind."

"What is it Zo?"

"Is.. mommy going to spend all of her time when she's not at the hospital with Cassie?"

Amelia's eyebrows dropped in realization. "Zola... Cassie's your cousin. She needs your mommy a little more than you do right now. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you any less or wants to spend any less time with you. You'll see."

Zola's mouth formed into a frown. She didn't say anything else and turned to look at her brother.

The three doctors and three younger Grey children left the house thirty minutes later, heading to the hospital for daycare and work. Meredith woke up about an hour later, realizing she hadn't even gotten to see her children that morning. She looked over at her niece, who was now staring back at her. The expression on her face was one of 'what are we going to do now?'

Cassie got up, hobbling away to the bathroom. Meredith went into the kitchen, praying that Alex had left her some coffee. To her relief, her person had indeed made her a cup of coffee. Pouring it into the mug, she took a big gulp.

Her niece came hobbling into the kitchen three minutes later, slowly lowering herself into a chair. She again looked at Meredith with a questioning glare.

"Don't look at me like that," Meredith chuckled. "We're going shopping today, just you and me."

Cassie chuckled, "please tell me it isn't grocery shopping."

"Of course not. Maggie and Alex do that." Meredith scoffed as if it were obvious. "You should already know that it's a safety hazard to leave me around food. But I can buy junk food. I'm quite talented at it. I forced Maggie to make me the second member on the Costco account just so I could go and get free samples. And I have the second IKEA family card." At Cassie's facial response, Meredith let out another laugh. "I have to do something with the kids on my day off!"

"I've never been to IKEA, although I vaguely remember someone squealing about Swedish meatballs. It was a big deal, apparently."

"Oh, they're very overrated, but you have to try them yourself and give your own opinion."

...

A couple hours later, Meredith was helping her niece through the front doors of ikea and onto the elevator. She explained to her niece that it was better to start from the top (including the food court) and then work their way down.

Cassie's mouth fell open at the sight of the showrooms. They made her want to decorate a house, even though she didn't own a house nor saw herself owning one for a while into the near future. What was this store doing to her brain?

"Okay, so I know we're still working on the room setup, but if you see anything that you like, we can add it to the list." Meredith was saying, walking in step with her niece, slowly crutching. They would probably need to take a break soon.

"You really don't have to get me new-"

"Cassandra." Meredith growled jokingly. "Don't start with me now. I will buy you stuff, and you're gonna like it!"

Cassie let out a laugh. "Is that your stern parenting? Cause if it is, I like it." She wasn't too sure how she felt about the idea of Meredith buying stuff for her, so naturally she had to attempt to shake it off.

"No, but seriously. Don't feel guilty. I want to buy you stuff. It's my job."

Cassie turned to look at her. "Is it though?" Meredith sighed. She was just a tad stubborn headed. Spoken like a true foster kid.

"Yes, Cass. The minute I signed the papers, you became my kid. You can doubt that all you want, but it's true and it's legal and it's official. I love you kid, don't ever doubt that."

"I love you Mer. I just..." She looked at her doubtfully.

"I will always want you. I know you have your doubts, I know that because I had my doubts for my whole life, but as an adult, later than everyone else, I learned that family is for real, and forever."

Cassie couldn't help it. "What about my grandfather?"

Meredith furrowed a brow. "You just had to find a way to counteract my point, didn't you?"

Cassie nodded. "I just- he's your father. You never once..."

"I did. Of course I did. I asked him why, but we were too far gone. For some time, I thought we had a chance, and then Susan died..." she realized Cassie was no longer listening, but staring at a canvas?

Cassie had noticed a really pretty framed canvas out of the corner of her eye. She limped towards it, mesmerized by the pretty shades of grey. She'd never seen something that spoke to her on that level. Meredith eventually realized that Cassie wasn't listening to her, and she followed her niece.

"Do you like the picture, Cassie?" Meredith deadpanned, joking that Cassie was not going to lie and let her buy the damn thing.

"Yeah. I do." Cassie admitted. She knew she couldn't argue with Meredith about buying stuff forever, so she admitted that the picture was crazy pretty, and she kind of wanted that to be the first thing she let Meredith buy for her.

It was a picture of a gray elephant, standing tall and proud. Not only was it a gray elephant, like their last name, it was also a symbol. Of strength and power. She had strength, and she would someday find her power. This elephant would remind her of that.

"So where exactly am I going to sleep?" she asked sometime later. They had picked out everything they had needed and were standing in line for the food court. The question had been bugging her, because there was no way there was enough room for her, Alex, Mer, Maggie, Amy, and the three kids. Where did they all fit?

"So Alex and Amy are technically supposed to be living with their significant others. Alex and Jo are complicated, and Amelia and Owen was just an iffy thing from the start, but I was not going to be the one to point that out to them. I mean, I am Amy's sister and I am also Owen's ex-wife's person. I am supportive and protective of both of them, but I can't protect them from each other-" Meredith realized that she had gone off topic. "Anyways, Alex will sleep on the couch, and I don't know about Amy, but I am thinking we will kick her up to the attic. Lexie-" she stopped cold. "Lexie used to sleep up there. We haven't used it since then, but I suppose-"

"I want to sleep in the attic, if that's okay. I am not bothered by small spaces or anything. I will share with the Christmas ornaments; I just want to be as close to my mom as possible. I know she's dead, but sleeping in her room?"

"She actually used to sleep in the room that became Maggie's room. You don't even know how many people have lived in that house. Lexie slept in more than one room. She was not happy about the attic."

"Can you tell me about them? All these people? There are just so many names... I have a photographic memory, but I need to know each one one by one to remember them. And I want to remember them. Even if they aren't a part of my history, they were a part of yours and of Lexie's."

Meredith didn't know if she could do that. She was trying so hard to be as bright and shiny as she could for this kid, but it was so unlike her to be so open and just talk about everyone she had loved that was gone or had left. The fact that she had gone on a tangent about Amelia and Owen just proved how open she had become with her niece. And in some ways, her niece was still a child. She knew that Cassie had grown up too soon and knew how to take care of herself, but there were some things that were simply adult things...

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I know you've been through a lot. I am asking a lot."

Meredith took a deep breath. "The first two people to move in with me were two interns in my class, George and Izzie. There were five of us under Bailey, and I had put up an ad..."

....

Alex and Arizona had gathered the whole crew in the meeting room. Well, their crew at least. There was Shepherd, Pierce, Avery, Kepner, Wilson, Edwards, Bailey, Torres... everyone that he deemed a part of Meredith's circle. Everyone in that damn room was her family. Meredith had told him to put an end to the gossip, so he did.

"So, I know all of you have questions about the girl that looks like Lexie Grey. She is indeed Lexie Grey's daughter. Meredith is adopting her, and she is living there with Grey as we speak."

Bailey nodded, clapping her hands together in approval. Soon the whole group was applauding for the girl that was a part of their family.

"And one other thing, Meredith wants to throw a dinner in her honor this weekend so Cassie can officially get to meet all of you. She hopes you all can make it. And Cassie doesn't know, it's a surprise. So don't say anything." He growled, directing that last part at Shepherd.

"HEY!!"

"Can I bring someone?" Callie asked.

"Yeah. Go ahead." Alex nodded, glancing at Arizona next to him. She shook it off, as she always did, but Alex couldn't help but worry for her. He knew that was like a kick in the ass to have to meet the new girlfriend.

She couldn't be that bad.

Chapter Text

My English teacher has a catchphrase. It's one you're not aware of unless you engage in conversation with her. That no matter how bad the day is, no matter how dark, boring, discontent, and painful it is, we are always thriving. As Marli would put it, we're all "living and thriving." In other words, we're living and growing vigorously. We grow as people. We grow more smart, resilient, humble, and loving. We grow more aware of our surroundings. We grow more resilient to the pain, to the darkness, to the sadness. We're all living and thriving.

Until we're not.

Cassie agreed to babysit the kids for Amelia, Maggie, and Meredith's dinner party. It would be fun, Maggie had said. She would keep the kids occupied upstairs and also get some of whatever food they were cooking. It was a win win. Cassie also got to see her favorite doctors, who had all adopted her as their niece and extended family. And yes, Cassie was in love with the whole lot of them, even if she didn't know them that well yet.

All of the doctors from the hospital flowed in through the door over the course of the hour. For the first part, Cassie had sat in the kitchen while Zola and Bailey played in the living room and Ellis took her nap. Arizona was getting drunk over meeting Callie's new girlfriend, and Meredith was running around making sure everything was perfect.

"Did you get the steak?" Meredith asked Alex. Alex rolled his eyes.

"Yes. I did. I also got everything else, thanks for asking."

"I think it would have been easier to order pizza." Meredith replied for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"Here, start cutting. Not too thin, not too thick." April dropped a stack of carrots and a knife in front of Cassie. She began to cut, watching Meredith and Alex argue like an old married couple. She knew they were just best friends, but sometimes Cassie thought they just made the whole McDreamy thing up and had gotten hitched. Although because she had seen the pictures of McDreamy throughout the house, she knew he had been real.

The doorbell rang, and eagerly attempting to get away from drunk Arizona, chef April, and modern housewives Alex and Meredith, Cassie mumbled that she would go get the door. She saw Jo and Stephanie giving glares to each other across the room, and Amelia was sitting with the kids, who were in perfect oblivion to what was going on around them.

Cassie peeped through the hole and saw Callie with another lady. This must be the reason for Arizona's drunken state. She opened it, forming a nervous smile on her face. "Hi Callie."

Callie flashed her thousand watt smile. "Hey Cass. This is Penny." The lady, who looked about ten times more nervous than Cassie did standing in her own house, smiled back. Cassie ushered them inside, taking their coats and putting them onto the couch. Meredith had come by to say hello, and by the time Cassie had come back Mer looked as though she was a deer in the headlights. She looked traumatized.

For a moment, Cassie debated whether or not she should ask Meredith what was wrong. It wasn't like she was going to tell her anyways. She knew that's how Meredith was. It was like throwing rocks at a brick wall. She knew her aunt had feelings, but she didn't like to show them. Walking towards the kitchen, she decided to tell Alex instead.

Jo glared at her jokingly as she walked in, looking up from the cutting of carrots she had been assigned to do. "I had to take your job. I don't think we can be friends anymore."

Ignoring her, she walked up to Alex, who had been leaning against the fridge with a drink in his hand. Clearing her throat, she stood on her tippy toes and whispered in his ear. "Something's wrong with Mer. You're her person, do something about it." He looked over at her, giving a nod. His face had turned to one of concern. Putting his wine glass down, he clomped into the other room.

Arizona clomped back into the kitchen. "I like this new Penny chick."

Amelia soon followed. "Cass, why don't you take the kids upstairs? I will scream for you when the food is ready." Cassie nodded numbly, walking into the other room. Amelia immediately noticed. She clomped behind her.

"Are you okay? Do you want us to call the babysitter? You don't have to spend your Saturday night watching the kids." Little did Cassie know that this party was all for her, and that the babysitter would be showing up in half an hour. Cassie would get to eat dinner with all of her favorite doctors and be welcomed into the family with open arms (not that she hadn't already been).

Cassie nodded again. "I'm fine."

Amelia looked as though she wanted to say more, but then the doorbell rang again and she realized she needed to be the one to answer it. Cassie got Zola and Bailey and led them towards the stairs. She noticed, however, that the picture of McDreamy and his children that had always been on the table where they left their keys was gone. Shrugging, she opened the drawer underneath to see that the frame had been put in there, face down.

"I miss Daddy," Zola mumbled as soon as she saw the photo in the frame. Cassie tucked it under her arm, and pulled Zola and Bailey up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Alex had been harping on Meredith, trying to find out what was bothering her. Cassie had been right; something had triggered a change in her mood. At first, Alex figured it was just the irritation that Maggie had left her to throw this party, then Alex realized it could not have been that because Meredith loved every single one of the people that was there. They had wanted to do this party because Mer wanted to thank all of those people for being in her corner and introduce them to Cass. The only person that wasn't her family was...

"I actually love Penny. She's perfect. Callie picked a perfect Penny." Alex's friend, mentor, and Arizona chuckled drunkenly from where she was standing with the woman.

Meredith was generally a very friendly person. She wasn't warm, per say, but she would have greeted Penny politely, had she not done something wrong. Had she done something wrong? Did Meredith know her from somewhere?

"Dinner's ready!" April called from the kitchen. Jo quickly finished setting the table, and the whole crew filed in and took their seats. They began eating and making talk. Alex kept glancing at Meredith, seeing how she looked completely spaced out. Amelia was trying to get the nerve to tell Meredith that her guest of honor was still with the kids upstairs.

"Wait, Penelope Blake? I knew I recognized that name from somewhere! You're starting at Grey-Sloan next week!"

Cassie had been itching to see how her aunt was doing, but couldn't find an excuse to go down the stairs (it would have been a hassle with her leg). She hobbled towards the stairs to see if she could hear what was going on. She left the kids to play, deciding they could stay alone for two minutes while she saw what was going on, leaving Ellis's baby monitor where it could pick up sound from both rooms, despite being able to hear what was going on from where she was standing.

Walking down the hall, she attempted to listen to the conversation at hand. Bailey had said something, Cassie was not sure what.

After what Bailey had said, Meredith instantly snapped out of her trance, turning to the group of her family in front of her. "Perfect Penny killed my husband." She let out.

Wait. What?

The silence that followed confirmed that what Cassie had heard was not a figment of the imagination. She sat there, on the stairs, waiting to hear what would happen next. Meredith excused herself from the table; Alex quickly followed. Amelia was the first one to respond, all ideas of the guest of honor gone from her mind.

"Were you there? Were you there the night my brother died?"

"I was the resident on call, yes." came the nervous woman's response.

"So what," Amelia took a minute to clear her throat. "what happened?"

The rest of the group was silent, all staring at the woman who had 'killed' Derek. "He came in with a bunch of people that he saved. He had a brain bleed, but I was denied a CT. I should have fought for that CT. And the neurosurgeon on call that night could not be bothered."

Cassie was shook from her thoughts when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She jumped up, running down the hall into the kids' room. Zola looked up from what she was doing. Cassie wondered if Zola could see the worry in her cousin's eyes.

"Did you get more biscuits?" She asked Cassie. Cassie was about to respond when she heard a door slam. Followed by Amelia's screaming. Followed by Meredith's screaming. Cassie looked at her cousins, letting out a sigh.

"Is Mommy okay?" Bailey asked.

Cassie let out a sigh, looking at the picture frame she had brought up the stairs. "I hope so." Cassie was about to sit down in the chair when Ellis let out a cry from the crib. She stood up, picking her cousin out of the crib and bouncing her. The screaming had not stopped yet.

"Shh, El. It's okay. Mommy and Aunt Amy are having a sister thing. It's going to be fine. Meredith will be irritated with Amelia for a while, but then they will forgive each other cause they are family. And then..."

The picture of Derek stared back at her, again. It suddenly hit her that Ellis never got to know her father. She would never get to know her father. That could very well be the fault of this Penny lady. It could be her fault that Cassie would never get to know her uncle. She wouldn't have the sad, depressed aunt. She would have a happy, smiling, totally in love aunt that's husband would have welcomed her to the family with open arms. He did that, she had been told. He had done it with Lexie and he had done it with Maggie.

The screaming suddenly stopped. A door slammed, then another door slammed. Ellis had calmed down and was now playing with Cassie's ponytail. Cassie put Ellis down, letting her crawl over to her brother and sister. She sat back down in the chair, and watched the three of them. Again, Cassie had a what if moment. What if Lexie had found her? What if Lexie and Mark had had more kids? What if she had gotten a little brother or sister and a Meredith and a Derek and an Alex way before all of this happened? What if?

Cassie sat in that chair, letting the silence that had fallen take over. She could hear the distant murmuring of Alex and Meredith in the distance, and she could hear Amy sobbing softly in the other room. How had she gotten herself so surrounded by heartbreak?

And who was to blame for her heartbreak? Lexie? She hadn't tried to find her. Meredith? For not opening herself up to her. The universe? It had gotten her into this situation in the first place.

She got the kids ready for bed. Zola and Bailey put on their PJs, brushed their teeth, and were tucked into bed. Ellis was back in her crib, knocked out. Cassie sat on the edge of Zola's bed.

"Is Mommy okay? Did her and Aunt Amy have a fight?" The little girl asked. Cassie turned her head towards her baby cousin, peering up at her. She had gotten a vibe earlier that Zola was angry with her, and she could understand that, but all aspects of that had dissipated. All she could read off the kid was sadness.

"Yeah, they did. But they will forgive each other eventually. Even if it takes forever. They're family. And they will always put taking care of you first before their own issues."

"I miss Daddy." Again, Cassie found herself looking at the picture of them. She let out another sigh.

"I never knew your daddy. I wish I did. He sounds like a great guy."

"He was. I'm the oldest. I had the most time with him. But sometimes, I forget. I forget what it was like to have both a Mommy and a Daddy. Daddy is gone. Do you miss your mom? I know you don't know her..."

"I miss her. I will miss her for every day of my life. You never stop missing them. But the thing is, you have your mom and your aunt to tell you all about your daddy when it feels like you're starting to forget him. And you have those pictures." She motioned to the frame she had brought up. "He will always be with you."

Zola reached up and gave her cousin a hug. Cassie hadn't even realized that a few tears had found their way down her face. This was her heartbreak. She said good night to Zola and walked out into the hallway, clutching the photo of Derek, Meredith, and the two kids. No one was out there, so she went downstairs to put the picture of Derek back where it belonged.

Adjusting the frame on the table, she was surprised to find that Penny had been standing there, sobbing silently behind her.

Cassie turned to glare at her. Penny just let out another sob.

"I am so sorry." Penny cried. "He was your father too. You had the most time with him. You're going to remember what it was that killed him. And I should have left the second I walked into your home."

Part of Cassie wanted to laugh; she wished she was Meredith's daughter! Then again, part of her wanted to strangle this lady (but mostly the universe) for putting her in this situation. Cassie let out a breath. "I'm not Meredith's daughter. I'm her niece. And I never knew Derek. But if you hadn't killed him, I would have gotten the chance to know him. I can't speak for Meredith, but what I got from what you said was that you need to fight. You need to fight to be heard when no one is listening to you. You knew to get the CT, but you didn't insist, you didn't fight. That's the only way you're going to survive here. As for working at Grey Sloan, You're going to have to prove that you are better than the resident that was on call that night."

Penny nodded. "Is your mother a doctor at Grey Sloan as well?"

Cassie clenched her fist. Of course that had to come up. The whole day no one had mentioned Lex, and now the woman of the hour had to be the one to ask. "She was. I trust you can let yourself out?"

Penny nodded, sensing that she had indeed struck another chord within the girl. She walked towards the door. She turned around to say something else, but Cassie was now standing on the stairs, watching her.

"Goodbye Penny." She gritted her teeth. The woman nodded, walking out onto the porch, letting the door slam and lock behind her.

Cassie let out a deep breath. She plopped up the stairs, opening the door to Meredith's room.

Her aunt looked drunk, passed put on the bed with a blanket thrown over her. Like she had drank all of the tequila in the house drunk. This was how she was dealing with having Perfect Penny in the house. But maybe it wasn't just perfect penny. Maybe it was Perfect Penny and Derek and Lexie and Cassie...

Cassie was part of the reason her aunt was miserable...

Cassie threw herself across the bed, laying in her sweatpants and the Dartmouth sweater she had stolen from Meredith. What would tomorrow bring? Cassie didn't know. How were Amelia and Maggie and Meredith going to handle this? She wasn't apart of the trio, she was considered a child, not an adult.

She let out a breath, staring up at the ceiling. She let her eyes close.

....

Meredith woke up with a headache. It wasn't quite morning yet, and the sun wasn't out yet. She had passed out after drinking only god knows how much tequila and trying to numb the thoughts that were raising through her brain. There was so much. So much.

There was the usual: Cristina's in Switzerland, George got hit by a bus, my mother got Alzheimer's, my sister died under a plane, my husband got hit my a semi... but there were also the new ones: the woman responsible for my husband's death is working in the hospital I bought because my sister died AND my sister's secret kid is living in my house and is legally my responsibility...

Meredith thought back. She hadn't seen Cassie at all that night. The dinner was supposed to be about her, for god's sake! Then, of course, the woman who killed her husband had shown up as Callie's plus one, and Meredith had forgotten. She was such a bad aunt!

Cassie had been in the kitchen and had taken the kids upstairs. April had brought them food later, and the kids were in bed, or so she assumed. She had been too drunk to check. Cassie had done all of that. Not to mention, she undoubtedly knew what had transpired earlier that evening.

Meredith stood up. She changed into something more comfortable than the dress she had fallen asleep in and began doing rounds on all of her housemates. Amelia was asleep; Maggie was asleep. All three kids were peacefully bliss. Walking back to her room, she stopped short at Cassie's room. She could hear it numbly in the distance. Breathing. Soft sobbing. She slowly opened the door.

Cassie was laying on top of the bed, staring at the ceiling. She looked up at Meredith, not saying a word. Meredith slowly climbed into the bed next to her niece, and joined her in their staring at the ceiling and contemplating life. Meredith wasn't entirely sure as to what to say to her; she was definitely upset. She had been crying silently. She knew because she did the exact same thing. It was scary how sometimes Meredith found herself thinking about how similar the two of them were.

"Tonight was supposed to be about you, and it turned into something else. I am sorry, Cass." Meredith bit, looking at her niece's face for any reaction to that statement. She just blinked.

After some time, Cassie turned to her aunt. Her aunt looked back at her.

"We're definitely cursed."

Chapter Text

I've been planning out an outline for this story. I've got big plans... ;)

The first question I ask when something bad happens is: how did I get here? How did things shift from being so good to so bad? How is it even possible? How do you pick yourself up off the ground when you just feel like you want to disappear? After some time curled up on the bathroom floor, I realized that life will go on regardless. You need to forgive in order to forget. Even if they blame you. Even if it seems impossible. You need to let go of all that negative energy in order to go on. It's the only way to go on.

Cassie woke up to her aunt snoring on the other side of the bed. She was extremely loud! How did Derek ever sleep with that thing? Even worse, she smelled like she herself had downed the whole bottle of tequila. She could have least shared with Alex!

She reached for her crutches but failed. She wasn't even supposed to be going up and down, but she hated lack of movement. Even if it was painful, she was going to move on her own, even if that meant scooting up and down the stairs one by one (or having Alex carry her as he had been doing).

So, she tumbled off of the bed and onto the ground, making a loud bang. She wondered how long it would be until someone ran into the room and gave her the look. The 'you are injured and incapable of walking let me help you' look.

"Shit," she muttered. Meredith stirred, and no one came running in. Amelia, however, walked in, looking somewhat irritated. Her hair was pulled back in a bun, and she was still in her pajamas. Cassie didn't know what time it was. Was it time for the surgeons to go be surgeons?

"Did you have to fall off of the bed right now? I was in the midst of planning Penny's murder." Cassie just looked back at her, waiting for her aunt to help her back onto the bed because now her leg felt like it was twisted the wrong way and it hurt just a little.

Amelia realized this within a second and helped Cassie back onto the bed. She handed her the crutches and offered to help her hop down the stairs (because Amelia felt she would drop her). Meredith still hadn't moved an inch, and Amelia muttered something along the lines of 'it must be nice to drown her sorrows in alcohol.'

Maggie and Alex were already sitting at the kitchen table. It was obvious to Cassie that the three other adults had spent a lot of time discussing what had transpired already. Cassie had questions, but she didn't know if it was her place to ask. So, she hobbled to the pantry and got the cereal she wanted, watching Maggie and Alex go back and forth.

"Is she okay? Maybe I should stay home..." Maggie was saying. "She was there the night he died. She was there when none of us were. If we were there..."

"Yeah, well, he's dead. He's dead, it sucks, but Mer has to deal with all this crap." Alex retorted. Amelia seemed to be the silent observer of the three in this particular moment, sipping her coffee and watching the two of them go back and forth. She probably wasn't lying about planning Penny's murder. It was, Cassie had come to the conclusion, her negligence that led Derek to his death. And everyone has their McDreamy, but it was Meredith's that died that day. It was Amelia's older brother that had died that day.

"One of us should stay with her today. I was such a bad sister! I left her here because of my sex with DeLuca and yeast infections and..."

"You couldn't have known it was going to blow up like that."

"Well, it always does, doesn't it?"

Cassie chose this as her moment to speak up from her corner. "I know I am the kid here, and maybe I have no place in this conversation, but can someone please fill me in here?"

Amelia looked up, and Cassie gulped. The look in her eyes was one she had never seen before. It reminded her, just a little, of some of her old foster parents. She immediately felt bad for thinking that, because Amelia was grieving and had a right to be angry. "Callie's new girlfriend was there the night Derek died. She chose not to get a head CT, and he stroked out waiting for an incompetent neurosurgeon who didn't give a shit."

Cassie had known this, but she didn't want them to think that she had been eavesdropping the previous night. "Okay, but, can't you like, sue the hospital for being negligent? Isn't that a thing people do these days?"

Alex spoke up. "Meredith did. When she was living in Boston. We didn't even know until Dillard announced that it was closing. It was so small that most of us barely knew where it was."

"Wait, Mer lived in Boston?" She hadn't known that one before today. How much information was she truly missing here? Meredith had told her so much more than Cassie could have asked for; she knew that it was hard for her. This must have been pretty recent, how had this not come up? Did they really adjust that fast to her being back?

"Yeah. The hospital closed. That's why Penny got rematched."

"This is all the Grey curse," Cassie muttered under her breath. "She never catches a break! She's going to eventually stumble down those stairs when she decides she should, and she's going to be extremely hungover and..."

Alex just started laughing. "Cass, she's been hungover so many times that I don't think it even fazes her anymore. Shepherd and I will go to work, and you and Maggie will stay here and make sure she's fine. And she is fine. Meredith is always fine."

Cassie nodded and let the adults continue talking while she chomped on her cheerios. Zola soon came bouncing down the stairs and chose to sit next to Cassie at the table. Cassie got her a bowl and dumped some Cheerios into her bowl and push it towards her. Zola kept staring at the grownups. How long would it be until she wasn't completely lost as to what they were talking about? She was almost old enough to go to school for the whole day! No more daycare! She was old enough to know! Maybe Cassie would tell her. Cassie was old but not a grown up.

"Cassie." She whispered, afraid the grown-ups would hear. "Are Aunt Amy and Mommy still mad at each other?"

Cassie had to fight a laugh. If only this was only a catfight between Amelia and her aunt. She knew how often those happened and how short lived they were. "It's more than that, Zo. It's a grown-up thing. When you're old enough, they'll tell you."

Zola rolled her eyes at her cousin. "But you're not a grown-up, and I know you know." It bugged her a little bit, how all the grown-ups seemed to adjust so quickly to Cassie. They told her what was going on. It was like she had been here forever. And why wasn't her mommy spending time with her anymore? It was the only thing that seemed to sit in her brain these days. Her mommy forgot about her.

Cassie read the girl's mind. She knew exactly what she was thinking. She spent her whole life thinking the same thing. "Look Zo, your mom might not be spending a lot of time with you, but it doesn't mean she loves you any less. I am not replacing you. You are Zola Grey-Shepherd, daughter of the infamous neurosurgeon Derek Shepherd and the legendary Meredith Grey. No one will change that. Do you understand me?"

Zola nodded her head at the older girl. When she put it that way, she was right. She would always be her parents' daughter... even if she didn't come from them. There was a part of her that said they were forever. It sounded like her mommy. So, she decided to listen to it.

...

Sometime later, Cassie and Maggie were playing an intense game of chess (because putting two geniuses in a room was a great idea). Both of them looked up at the sound of Meredith coming down the stairs. Maggie jumped up at the sight of her sister, and Cassie just stared at her, unsure what to do next.

"Mer!" Maggie started. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here! If I would have known..."

Meredith stared back at her, her face void of emotion. "Maggie it's fine. You couldn't have known. I'm cursed. Things like this happen all the time." Her voice sounded like a croak as if she'd overexerted it by crying and screaming. Her aunt's eyes met her own. Cassie blinked in response.

"Cass." She started. Did she remember the previous night when she came up to the attic and crashed into her bed? Maybe not.

"I am so sorry. Yesterday was supposed to be about you. The dinner was so you could meet everyone. But..."

"I know. It's okay Mer." Cassie responded. She couldn't be upset when her aunt was in this much pain. Things were never about her. How could she expect anything else?

"Cassie. You've spent your whole life putting other's wants before your own. You put yourself on the back burner. That's not how it's going to end here. You are important and beautiful and smart and you need to let people spoil you and be proud of you."

Okay. Where was this coming from? Was the tequila still talking?

"Maggie," Meredith muttered, turning to the direction her sister had went. "I need you to go to the hospital."

Maggie stuck her out from the kitchen. "For what?"

"To make sure Penny doesn't even make it there on Monday morning. It's my hospital. I own it. I shouldn't have to deal with the woman who killed my husband."

Maggie bit her lip with a nod. "Is that what you want Mer? I mean, is Bailey going to do it? Deny her requests to join the residency program? She was matched here..."

"They better." Meredith bit. "I bought the hospital. Bailey does not own any part of it. If I need to take it up with the committee, which most of the people that were here last night are on, then I will."

Maggie didn't want to argue with her older sister. How could she argue with that? The lady had killed her brother-in-law. She had been fortunate enough to get to know the guy a little bit, to have his support in making a relationship with Meredith. She knew accidents happened, yes, she herself had never killed anyone due to her negligence, but Maggie was sure that it did happen to some surgeons when they started out.

So Maggie nodded and left to get dressed to go to the hospital. Cassie just stared at her aunt. It was bothering her. It was really bothering her. Did she have the right to say it?

She scooted closer to her aunt on the couch, looking into her sad miserable eyes. Seeing her aunt like this was painful. She could only imagine what it had been like after her sister's death and after her husband's death.

"Mer." She started. "Can I say something? I know it might not be something you want to hear, but..."

"Go ahead." Meredith snorted in response. This was the part of her that came from Lexie that was talking. She was going to tell her to be nice to the dummy, even if she had killed her husband.

And she was pretty much right. "I know Penny is a bitch. She's the reason Derek is dead. But, I need you to hear me out. I can't believe that I want to come to her defense right now. She killed my uncle. It was negligence like this that got my mother killed in a plane crash. Someone designed a faulty plane. Someone forgot a head CT. But these things don't happen on purpose. At least, we don't think they do. She didn't mean to kill Derek. She was too scared that day to fight for him. And maybe that's on her. But maybe part of it is blamable on society or on the environment she learned to be a doctor in. Dillard didn't teach her to fight for her patients. It didn't teach her how to be a shark. She feels inferior to the men around her because they treat her as though she is inferior. So maybe you need to teach her. You need to teach her to be a shark. You need to teach her to fight for her patients. And you know what? Fate or curses work in mysterious ways. This might be a pain for you, but it's just as bad if not worse for her. You're her one. She has been seeing your face every day in her mind and every night in her dreams. If you teach her, it will stick. She will be a better doctor for it, and more people will be treated by her. So by doing that, you're punching the curse in the face and you're changing people's lives. Don't fuss to Bailey. Be the bigger person. Bitching and moaning is not the right thing to do here. You need to man up and teach her how to be a doctor."

Meredith hadn't expected a speech. She hadn't expected that. And, irritatingly, her niece was absolutely right. The Grey Curse followed them. But she didn't have to let it ruin her. She could punch it in the face and tell it to screw off.

Maybe that's what she was supposed to do.

Cassie twiddled her thumbs. She had said some questionable things, no doubt, but she felt like she had said the right thing. She had advocated for Penny, a woman she didn't know whether or not she could ever look at without a grimace. If that didn't get her points against the Curse, she didn't know what did.

Her aunt cleared her throat a few moments later. "Cassie." Her niece turned her head to look at her aunt. She didn't know whether or not to expect yelling or tears, although she doubted tears because it was her very strong aunt that didn't cry (unless she was alone in a supply closet or in her room with her person).

"You're right. You're so right. And you know what? I think Lexie would have said the same thing. She always saw the good in people. That was the thing about her that I loved the most. You see the good in people, and you fight for them even if they did something incredibly stupid like murder your aunt's husband. She could have just shot him in the head for what she did. At least it's quicker than feeling your brain fail until you eventually die."

"Meredith!"

"Sorry."

Chapter Text

On the first day of kindergarten, after your mom has left you and you're awkwardly sitting in your seat, you look around the room. So many faces, so many hairstyles, so many different colored t-shirts. Another tiny human comes and takes the seat next to you. You smile shyly, as they hopefully feel as out of place as you do. They smile back. Later, they offer you a piece of their cookie during snack time while you're both sitting criss-cross applesauce on the colorful rug. And suddenly, you're best friends. Fast forward eight years and you're walking down the aisle at your middle school graduation arm in arm. You've done everything together. You went to your first dance, on your first date...

You're inseparable. You know what the other is thinking. That's what it's like to have a person.

Cassie was, according to every test she had ever taken, a genius. She got a 36 on her ACT, was taking every AP class in the book that she could fit into her schedule and was trying to make the most of living on an island on a military base where her opportunities were extremely limited and she had to scrounge to find new things to read.

Going to a public school in Seattle was certainly a change of scenery. She was smart, but she had been unable to complete all of the classes necessary for graduation where she was. So, she was filling her schedule with every AP class (chem, bio, econ, psych... not physics though. She hated physics) that she could.

Her and Meredith had gone on a tour of the local high school, mainly so Meredith could tell the administration that her niece was a genius that did not need any hand holding or easy work. She needed to be challenged.

And yes, Cassie knew that going to a public high school was not the greatest thing for her. She could have started college early or done something more cure-to-cancer-esque. The truth was, she wanted to take it slow for a while. She wanted to settle into her family before she picked up and started a college education.

Maggie was completely understanding in this whole situation, for she too had gone to college at a high school age. She had told Cassie stories of how outcast she was because of how young and smart she was. She understood, though, Cassie's wishes.

Another thing that Cassie had soon realized was that even if she didn't have amazing grades (which she did) she had a million connections. Meredith Grey was the daughter of Ellis Grey. Almost all medical doctors knew of her. Amelia Shepherd was the brother of Doctor Derek Shepherd. She could go to any college she wanted because she knew people. She could also go because she was damn well smart enough to.

She was a genius. But, being a genius did not help her get rid of the pit in her stomach she felt about attending her first day of school the following day.

Amelia had attempted to crack as many jokes about her high school experience as she could to ease Cassie's butterflies. Alex had told her that he wrestled his way through, and Maggie had been an adolescent at the time, so she reminded her niece that she was going to have it very easy and that it would be fine so long as she made friends.

How on Earth was she supposed to do that?

Zola had been squealing about her first day of first grade- and Cassie couldn't help but feel like the little girl was expecting more attention. Meredith had taken her to tour the school and meet the teacher, but Zola clearly felt as though something was missing. So, Cassie did the best thing she could.

"Mer." She started when her aunt walked into the attic. Cassie cleared her throat, putting the summer reading book (Huck Finn) down on the bed. She had read it when she was in elementary school but needed a little refreshing before the class debated it in the first few days of school.

Apparently, her tone had been colder than intended because Meredith sarcastically stepped back. "I just came in to say good night. Stop reading; it's bad for you." She joked. "What's on your mind, kid?"

"You need to spend more time with Zola. She feels neglected."

As Cassie expected, Meredith totally denied her opinion. She was blind to it because she was the one causing it. "Zola is fine. I spent the whole day with her."

"No, you let Amelia spend the whole day with her. Ever since I got here, she's felt like she's been pushed to the side. She wants you to read her bedtime stories and be the one to draw her bath and wash and brush her hair. She doesn't want Maggie or Amelia. She wants you. You need to spend more time with her and stop worrying about me."

"I am not going to stop worrying about you. You're my kid."

"Well, worry less! I am older and can take care of myself a little more than Zola can. And I am used to being on my own."

Meredith looked like she wanted to argue some more, but the raised eyebrow on Cassie's face made Meredith want to give up. How many times was she going to have to tell this kid that she was just as important as the other three?

Cassie read her mind. "Mer. This isn't me being awkward about being important. I get it. I love the fact that you're calling me your kid." She paused. "Zola has told me multiple times she misses you. She's told Amy. She already lost her father; I don't want to be the one standing in the way of her mother."

Meredith sighed. "Did she really tell you this?"

"Yeah, Mer. Please stop worrying about me. Or at least not as much. I'm fine."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Something is bothering you... I know it. And I will come back up here and figure it out." She left the attic, leaving Cassie to pick up Huck Finn once again and read some more about the damn king and duke... who reminded her just a little bit of Amy and Mer.

...

Meredith swallowed as she approached her daughter's bedroom door. It had been a long time since she had questioned her abilities as a mother. She was not her own mother, and she tried as hard as she could to be both a surgeon and a mother. She hoped she did both of them proud. Were Ellis and Lexie staring at her from wherever in proudness or in shame?

Standing there, the thing that came to her mind was the first time she met Zola. Derek had been so happy, clutching the little brown girl with spina bifida close. She didn't know how she felt at being a mother at that time. She realized she could. And then she realized she was meant to do the same for Cassie. To love her, to raise her, to be the person that she went to. She wasn't Cassie's mother, but she was her aunt. So why was she nervous about talking to her daughter?

"Zo?" She opened the door. Her daughter was reading a Junie B Jones book on her bed, almost exactly as Cassie had. She peered up with the same questioning look. Meredith almost wanted to laugh at the sight. The two of them were so similar. She sat down on the bed. "What's up?"

Zola almost seemed surprised at the question. Was she that blind to this situation?

"Cassie told me you've been feeling a little sad lately cause I haven't been spending as much time with you. I'm sorry, Zo." Zola shrugged as if it hadn't been bothering her intensely for the last couple of weeks. Meredith cleared her throat. "I will try and spend more time with you. Just you and me, Zo."

Zola looked up happily. "Can we go get our nails done?"

Meredith let out a laugh. Of all the things she pictured her six year old wanting to do, that was not one of them. "If that's what you want."

The two of them sat in silence. Meredith's eyes made their way to the picture of her husband. How had that gotten there?

"I'm sorry I was mad at you, mommy." She mumbled. "You only saw Cassie."

Meredith shook her head. "Cassie needed me. But you know what? She loves you too. She'll be there for you. We're all here for you. Especially me. I am your mommy."

Zola didn't hesitate in her response. "Cassie reminds me of Aunt Lexie."

It actually amazed Meredith that her daughter remembered Lexie. She didn't know how that was possible; her daughter had been so little at the time of the plane crash. Maybe Lexie visited Zola in her dreams. Who even knows.

"Me too, Zo." She cleared her throat again, this time biting back tears. "Time to sleep, Zo. Do you want me to tuck you in?"

Zola nodded happily and let her mother tuck her in, kiss her, and turn off the light.

"I love you mommy." She chirped, all anger and sadness forgotten. If only it was always that simple for things to go back to normal.

...

Cassie threw the book across the room with serious dissatisfaction. Why did the kid want to go west? What happened to Jim? So many questions, not enough answers.

She got up, thudding down the stairs. She wanted to talk to someone in the house, but everyone was either asleep or working. So who did she talk to?

Opening the door quietly, she greeted her baby cousin with a grin. Ellis stared up at her with a teething giggle. She loved her big cousin Cassie. She came to visit her sometimes and talked to her about things she had no idea about.

"Hi, Ellie." Cassie lifted the girl from her crib, cuddling her close. "How's my favorite baby girl?"

She sat down on the chair, bouncing the little girl on her lap. She had thoughts; she needed to speak.

"It's like the first day of kindergarten. I mean, some of the kids know each other, but there are a few that don't know anyone... except for the fact that its junior year and everyone knows each other by now!"

Ellis cooed at the bouncing and giggled at her cousin tickling her.

"So what do I do? Do I eat lunch in the bathroom? Or do I try to make friends? I could be daring and walk up to people that were in my morning classes and ask to sit with them. But what if they're dumb? Oh god, Ellis, what if I end up sitting with the super senior druggies that flunked psychology twice? Then what?"

Ellis didn't respond.

"Good point, El. They wouldn't be in AP if they failed. I'm overreacting. But what if I end up with the cheerleaders who do drugs under the bleachers instead of practicing? Then what? I can kiss my chances of an Ivy education goodbye!"

Ellis still didn't respond. Cassie turned the baby to face her, lifting her up in the air and giving her a shake, while making the craziest face she could. Ellis laughed.

Meredith was going back to the attic to figure out what was bothering her niece when she heard her youngest daughter giggle. It was the music that made her smile.

"Can you say my name, El? Cassie?"

Silence.

"That's okay, you'll get it eventually. As long as you say Cassie before Alex and I get my twenty bucks, it's all fine."

Meredith took this as her chance to walk in. She wasn't expecting to see anything out of the usual, but her heart stopped when she opened the door. The first thing that came to her mind was her baby sister playing with her baby. It brought a smile to her face.

"What are you smiling at?" Cassie wondered, almost concerned at the fact that her aunt was smiling to herself. It was such an unusual event. Was there something in her hair?

Meredith sat down on the ground next to her niece. "You know that Lexie lived here until she died. The last Valentine's Day... she offered to babysit Zola for us because she didn't have any plans. It just came to my mind. I don't know why, considering she babysat Zola all the time. She was Zola's legal guardian in case something happened. Seeing you reminded me of her. You remind me of her in everything you do. I just wish she could have gotten to meet Ellis and Bailey, and you, of course. Whether or not it was now or seventeen years ago."

"Zola still remembers her. She actually thought I was Lexie. I don't understand how that's possible. She was too little when she died."

Meredith suddenly realized why and wanted to slap herself for not putting the pieces together sooner. "She saw a picture of Lexie a couple months ago when we first moved back into the house. She asked me who it was. I told her it was her aunt that went away. I don't think she really understood until later."

"I'm nervous about school tomorrow." Cassie blurted out, eager to get off of the topic of her dead mother. And it was true. She didn't know if Meredith would offer some sort of advice or tell her to suck it up.

"That's what you're upset about?" Cassie got up, putting Ellis back into her crib. She turned around to face her aunt, still leaning back onto the wall.

Cassie let out a breath. "I've never been good with kids my age. I want to have friends, Meredith. I want people to like me. I don't know if I'll be friends with these people in five years, but I want to be friends with them now. I need a reason to be excited to go to school."

Meredith nodded. "I get it, Cass. I don't think I can give you any advice considering I was the kid with pink hair smoking cigarettes in the corner, but..."

"Wait. Are you serious? Your mother allowed that?"

"That was exactly the point! She didn't! It drove her crazy!"

Cassie ran a hand through her hair. "That's your brilliant advice? Got any hair dye?"

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Please don't. At least go blue or something less spunky than pink. Pink was just a bad choice. "

"So what do I do? Do I just let nature take its course or whatever? During lunch, I'll go to the library and do all of my homework, and if someone talks to me, I let it be. If I get into a conversation during one of my classes and I really like the person, then I ask them if they have lunch plans. Is that about right?"

"Cassie, you need to be yourself. And yes, most teenage girls are questionable towards someone as smart as you because they are not as smart as you. You'll find someone who appreciates learning and life just as much as you do, and then waiting will have been worth it."

"Okay..." Cassie mumbled, still unsure.

"Just trust me. I am the most helpful advice you've gotten. Amelia probably told you about not talking too much, Maggie talked about being the youngest one, and Alex probably told you that if anyone is mean to you to punch them, which, by the way, is a really bad idea. Don't listen to it."

"I don't plan on it."

Chapter Text

In life, we all strive for different things. Some strive to be great, to succeed academically, socially, financially, and have the world at their fingertips. Some hope to find true love: to find someone that fills the void we all have inside us. To have children, to become parents, to give someone else the happiness you never had as a child. To travel the world and see everything with nothing but some hiking shoes, a bottle of water, and a camera. To find someone that makes you laugh so hard that your insides hurt and you can't breathe. Some want to mix and match. What I learned is this: plans change. Accidents happen. People walk away. People have a million other things they prioritize over you. You have to accept that. You have to be okay with being alone. You have to love yourself when no one else does. That's how you play the game.  

It was going to be fine.

It WAS going to be fine.

Right?

How could Cassie even try to make a guess when she had been handed this life on a silver platter? Dead mom who gave her up, unknown father...

She digressed.

"Hey, Cass. You okay?" Meredith tried, grabbing her niece's hand with the hand that wasn't grasping the steering hand of the Lexus. Cassie clutched her purple backpack nervously like it was her lifeline.

She had been in a traumatic car accident a month ago.

She had moved in with an aunt she hardly knew.

She was scared about high school for goodness sake!

She gulped.

"I'm fine." She muttered, coughing to clear her throat.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Meredith's eyes were no-nonsense, but warm at the same time. That had to be a Grey trait, to be capable of being both at the same time.

Cassie swallowed. She could feel the tension in her shoulders building. It was what happened when she got nervous or stressed. She exhaled. "It's the first day of school. It's better to go now and just rip off the metaphorical band-aid."

Meredith smiled. "That's my girl. But, if you really need me to come bail you out, I can be here within twenty minutes. Same with Amelia, Alex, or Maggie. Call them and they will be here."

"Thanks, Mer, but I really think I should stick this one out. Even if it sucks." Cassie's stomach knots tripled in size as Meredith pulled into the high school parking lot.

It was going to be fine .

Meredith pulled up to the front curb, putting the car in park. She turned to her niece. "I love you, Cass. I know I should probably give you a motivation speech, but that's a load of crap and we both know it, so just go and do what you gotta do."

Cassie reached over the center console to give her aunt a hug. Her aunt gave her a squeeze before releasing. Cassie let out a deep breath. She opened the door and bounced out of the Lexus without a second thought. She had to walk into the building. Just one step at a time.

Her legs suddenly weighted a thousand pounds apiece.

She pushed herself until she had walked through the front doors of the school. Clutching the straps of her backpack with her fingers, she shuffled upstairs to her US History classroom. There stood a smiling bald man at the podium in the front of the classroom. He grinned, "welcome to APUSH!"

Where was she going to sit?

Ugh, how awkward.

Her eyes met the ones of a friendly looking girl sitting in the second chair in the middle row. The girl smiled at her, motioning to the chair behind her.

It could not be that easy, could it?

Cassie collapsed in the desk behind her. The girl turned around to face her.

"Hey, I'm Diana. Are you new or have I just never had a class with you?"

That actually made Cassie laugh. The girl was so chill, even a little blunt. "I'm new. I just moved here."

"Where did you live?"

"My uncle was stationed on an island, so yeah..." she chuckled nervously. She was not going to tell every person she met her life story. What were the chances of her and Diana actually hitting it off?

"That's cool." Diana turned back around to greet a boy who sat down next to her in one row over. "Hey, Ben."

Ben turned out to be a shy, smart Indian kid who never left his house because his sisters and parents always assumed that it was to hang out with his "girlfriend" that didn't actually exist.

That's what Diana told her, anyway.

APUSH wasn't that boring, much to Cassie's surprise. Mr. Borg managed to keep them entertained with his bad jokes and singing. She liked this class.

Her next class was Human Phys with Mrs. Pataky, who was a slightly overweight lady with purple streaks in her hair. Diana was in that class too. Ironically enough, Diana was considering a career in the medical field, as she appeared to be incredibly intelligent as well. Diana said she was dying to watch a surgery this year in class.

Cassie really wanted to tell her who her aunt was but was also unsure as to whether or not high schoolers knew who the Greys were. She just thought it was so very ironic that the first person who talked to her was a science nerd.

They sat next to each other again, and Diana once again turned around to talk to some other person. She seemed to know everyone, and everyone seemed to know her.

Cassie wondered if she would ever reach that point too.

Pataky introduced her class to the rules and syllabus and then began a presentation on general anatomy. Cassie listened actively and watched Diana take notes with twenty different colors of pen. Towards the end of class, Pataky came over to give Diana a piece of paper. She scanned it before putting it in her green folder. Cassie managed to scan the top, that read "Med Academy."

Hm.

"Hey Diana, what was that piece of paper?"

"Oh, it's just for this thing I'm doing. The local hospital is having their surgical residents bring high schoolers on rounds with them. It's during school, so I have to adjust my schedule and all of that stuff. You should totally do it next year!"

"Is it too late to sign up this year?"

"I mean, it was super competitive to get in, and it does start tomorrow. You could ask Pataky though if it's something you're really interested in."

So during her lunch, Cassie went back up to Pataky's room. She was nervous; her palms were sweaty; her heart was pounding.

"Hey, Cassie. What can I do for you?" Pataky asked, looking up from her laptop where she was sitting at her island in the middle of the room.

"I was just wondering about the Med Academy thing. Diana told me about it, and I was kind of interested. Is it too late to sign up?"

"Not for a Grey it isn't." At Cassie's tilted head, Pataky just laughed. "I admit, I was curious about whether or not you were related to Ellis."

"You knew Ellis?"

"I used to work at Seattle Grace many moons ago. It's a very small world. I also worked with Richard to jump-start this project. It's something we have been working on for a long time. I think that you would be a great addition to their team. I'm almost certain Richard will let you in." She reached into one of her desk drawers. "I'm ninety-nine percent sure that your guardian will say yes, so just have her sign this form so that the counselors can change your schedule around. Do you have a lunch?"

Cassie nodded.

"Okay. It shouldn't move everything around that much then." Cassie turned around to walk out, but Pataky wasn't done. "Give Meredith my regards. She probably doesn't remember me; she was a small, small thing when I met her."

Cassie smiled in response. Was she ever going to go to a school where she wasn't immediately known for being related to a surgical god?

Not that she was complaining.

She took the form with her and headed back to where Diana was sitting in the cafeteria, taking bites out of her turkey sandwich. She looked up, eyeballing the piece of paper in the teenager's hand. "You got it?" She asked, disbelief filling her features, her mouth full of half-chewed sandwich. "That's amazing!"

Cassie chuckled nervously. "Yeah. I guess they did have room for one more person. Hopefully, I get to start tomorrow with you guys."

Diana turned her head to Ben. "She got in!"

Ben smiled at her from where he was sitting. "That's great, Cassie! If I was into that medical stuff, I'd probably be jumping in joy for you. Come on, sit with us!"

Cassie dropped her bag to the ground. She sat down, feeling pretty normal at that moment. She debated texting someone from the house to tell them. Things were going extremely well! It was more than she could hope for.

Ah well, she'd tell Meredith when she saw her later. She probably was working, either operating or doing some sort of work on a trauma patient.

She couldn't wait to tell Mer.

-

Mer prayed to the gods- Lexie, George, and Derek- that Cassie would come out of this day okay. She couldn't explain the feeling she had that something bad was going to happen that day. The last time she had gotten that feeling, she had almost died from holding a bomb in a body cavity. She was not going to let Cassie get some of that bad luck.

Amelia had been actively avoiding Meredith in the hospital and had chosen to do her other patients first. Meredith didn't really care; Amelia was being... weird.

The patient she was currently with was calm, asleep even. He seemed like such a family man. A father. Someone who's first thought in the morning was their kids. There was a time in Meredith's life where she would have given anything to have that too. As she grew older, the void slowly went away, but more voids came to fill its place.

It happened so fast. She was in the midst of cleaning up the trauma room and gathering supplies to treat her patient, and the next thing she knew, she was up against the glass of the wall. She blinked again, and she was on the floor.

And the first thing she thought of before she blacked out? Cassie. Her sweet, sweet, Cassie.

"Oh my god! Meredith! Page... page everyone!"

Her whole family of doctors shuffled in in groups. Alex, Maggie, Webber, Bailey, Kepner, Torres and Robbins. Amelia popped in sometime later and sunk to the ground. She had done this. She had left Meredith alone with this guy because she didn't want to be with Meredith and then she had gotten attacked.

She could feel whatever sobriety she had left slip from underneath her fingertips.

...

Little Grey was standing alone in the front lobby of Grey Sloan Memorial. Lexie looked around, the building was evacuated, and there was not one person in sight. Except for the woman in the dark blue scrubs with the ferry boat scrub cap coming down the stairs. Her face lit up once she saw her brunette sister standing at the bottom of them. She skipped down the stairs.

"Lex!" She squealed.

My sister died out there.

I don't know what it's like to have a father, but I do know what it's like to have a sister. And it's good.

"Mer! What are you doing here?" Lexie's face turned to one of concern. Mere didn't hesitate at throwing herself at her sister. God, she missed her. She loved her.

"I think I'm dying. Where's Derek?" Mere asked, looking around. "If you're here, then he is too, right?" She didn't even seem concerned that she was talking to her dead sister. No, she just wanted to talk to her dead husband, even if she was dead.

"Mere-" Lexie tried again. Her sister could not be so nonchalant about seeing her dead sister. It meant something bad was about to happen. She had seen her own mother when she had been drifting away under the plane. "You need to start fighting. You can't die! What happened? Cassie-"

Lexie wanted to smack her sister. She was standing there in dark blue scrubs. Lexie had never gotten the opportunity to wear those attending scrubs. She dreamed of being the head of neuro after Derek retired. She couldn't let her sister give up the life she was lucky enough to still be living. "Do you hear yourself Mere? You're giving up! You cannot give up! You have my daughter! She's a part of you now! She's never going to get to be a part of me!"

Meredith sighed. "I know. Cassie is amazing. I wish she would have gotten the chance to meet you and know you. You would have been a phenomenal mother, Lexie. You are her mother. She will always be a part of you, and you will always be a part of her."

"I waited too long, Mer. I died under a plane at 28 years old! I had it all planned out: I was going to get with Mark, and we were going to get Cassie back and raise Cassie together and Sofia together! They deserved so much more! Cassie thinks I didn't want her! That was not true in any way. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving her away for a little while. She deserved better than Dad being drunk all the time and me being busy with school. That little girl, my daughter, deserved the world. And that is not what she got."

If this was real, if she was really talking to her dead sister while she was fighting for her life, she had to ask. "Who is Cassie's father?"

Lexie turned away. "Meredith-"

"No, tell me. I am talking to you right now. You've been dead for years and I am standing here having a whole conversation with you. Tell me. Is he still alive? Is he in Seattle? Does he know about-"

"Cassie's father is... he's dead, Meredith. Joel Harris."

"Cassie deserves to know. I won't get to tell her..."

"That's crap and you know it," popped in Mark. "Sofia is growing up without a father. Your kids will never know their father, and now you're depriving them the chance of having a mother! Because why? Because you feel sorry for yourself? Listen, we'll wait for you up here! Forever! There's no rush! Live your life! Give your kids what I couldn't give mine!"

"Mere, I need you to tell your kids about me, and their cool uncle Mark, and their dad with the dreamy eyes and overrated hair. No one else can. You have to take Zola to buy her prom dress, and see her down the aisle and graduate med school and climb the ranks at Grey Sloan Memorial. She needs to know who it was named for. And Bailey is going to need dating advice, and Ellis is going to need stories about her father. And there's only one person who can do that. You." She ran a hand through her hair. "You need to give Cassie everything I couldn't. I've been watching you. She's everything I dreamed of and more and you, you're doing a way better job than I would have done. You need to be there for her graduation, and her wedding and her med school graduation and you need to be for her because I can't."

...

"You can't work on your family!" Webber screamed.

"Everyone in this damn room is her family!"

...

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but then George popped in, "I know it's been a while, but... I've seen your kids. I've seen all of the things you've been through. This isn't it for you. You've survived much worse."

"George?" Mere felt a pang of guilt. She had seen so many people come and leave, so many had died, and she hadn't thought of George in forever. She missed him. She missed him and Izzie and... Izzie was somewhere, but George... George had been here, watching over her for almost ten years.

"Mer, I don't care if you don't think of me. I wasn't the love of your life or your sister, I was just your roommate, your kinda brother..."

She sighed. "You're here, which means you are important to me. You are. You all are. You will not be forgotten by me."

"Hope not."

Then the love of her life popped in, then and there. He looked younger than the last time she had seen him before he left for D.C. He looked like he had the day they had met.

"What's your story?"

"Nothing, I'm just a girl in a bar."

He had shrugged. "I'm just a guy in a bar,"

"Derek..." She let out, running at him, putting her lips against his. It may have just been a dream, but it was the best kiss they had ever shared. God, she missed him. She missed him and their family and everything they had fought for.

"You need to keep my sister in line. Amelia is a hurricane." He joked, wrapping an arm around Mer. She looked at the four of them. She couldn't believe her eyes. It almost made her forget all of the people on Earth. These were her people.

"Maggie is a great sister." Lexie cut in. "It's kind of funny how you are with her, considering how you were with me." She was slightly hurt by this, but Maggie was nice. It was not her fault Meredith had treated Lexie like crap. It almost made her smile when Meredith had told Maggie she already had a sister.

"You are my kid sister. She will never replace you."

"You have to go back to them. They need you. Tell them about me." Derek begged. "I love you." He kissed her again, and Meredith almost wished she was dead.

...

Mer blinked multiple times to get her vision clear. She saw a blob that looked like Maggie... and another blob that resembled Alex. "Mer? Can you hear us?" He asked, standing from the chair.

Maggie stood up. "We're so glad you're okay!"

Their lips were moving.... so why couldn't she hear them?

Chapter Text

I realized something this past weekend. It wasn't an aha moment when everything just snapped into place. Life doesn't work like that. People won't magically forget everything that has happened to them. They aren't magically transformed into a person that they're happy with. But, the realization is good. It puts everything in perspective. Your life isn't over. Everything is going to be okay. The pain slowly dulls, the scars fade, the tears lessen. Your thoughts don't bring pain anymore. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Maybe you don't forget, but you forgive. You reach your arms up in surrender. You'll always love them. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. And, no matter what happens, your true friends, your family, will always support you in all of it. They'll remind you of the realization when it slips you. They keep you standing. They keep you fighting.  

Cassie was beyond excited. She was finishing the rest of her Med Academy application. She was almost positive that she had gotten in, seeing as she was a photographic memory genius with a perfect school record and Grey as a last name. Any surgeon who saw her name would almost immediately accept her, even if she wasn't also a genius.

She stared at the board during her chemistry class. This was so incredibly boring. Usually, she would pay attention to the teacher and answer all of his questions so he wouldn't feel bad about the rest of the class not understanding, but today trying on something so pointless seemed, well, pointless.

Cassie smiled the rest of the day. She couldn't wait to go home and celebrate with the family. It wasn't like she had friends to celebrate with. Although, there was a high possibility that the three adults and the three younger children would not be home for a while. Cassie would probably have the house to herself.

Cassie let herself into the house and threw her backpack on the chair. She let herself flop onto the couch. Turning on the tv, she settled on reruns of Bewitched. She wasn't really in the mood to do any homework. She needed a break.

Jolted awake by the sound of her phone ringing, Cassie rubbed her eyes and reached for her phone on the coffee table. It was almost eight o'clock. She had been asleep for four hours. And no one was home yet. She knew they were surgeons, that things came up, emergency surgeries, patients that needed to be monitored. But someone had to bring the kids home unless they were with anyone else in the surgeon family.

Something had happened. She knew it in her gut.

"Hey, Maggie. What's up?"

"Can you drive to the hospital? I know we were a bit iffy on letting you drive, but..."

Cassie cut her off. "No. It's fine. Where are the kids?"

"They're here with me and Alex."

"What happened?

"Listen. Take my car. Come over here."

Cassie clenched her fist. Something was wrong. And whatever it was, they weren't going to tell her over the phone.

The kids were with Maggie and Alex, which meant that something happened to Amelia and Meredith. Maybe they had gotten into a fight so big that one had killed the other. Maybe there was another mass casualty. A shooting. A bomb. A plane crash.

Cassie grabbed the keys and ran out, locking the door behind her. It didn't even occur to her that this was the first time she had driven a car since she had gotten into the plane crash when she first came to Seattle. Meredith, Amelia, and Maggie had asked her if she was ready to retry driving with them in the car first, but she had been too terrified. Someone had crashed into her side of the car. She had had injuries. But for Meredith or Amelia, she would drive.

It took her twenty minutes to get to the hospital. Once she got there, she took the liberty of parking in Maggie's parking spot (head of cardio perks) and basically sprinted through the glass doors of the hospital. She looked around. She needed one of the surgeons that knew her. There were like twenty of them, so it should be fine. It would be fine!

Looking around, she saw Jackson Avery standing by the nurse's station. He knew them. He knew Maggie and Mer and Amy. He was at that dinner.

"Dr. Avery!" She panted, running over to him. "Do you know where Mer, erm, Dr. Grey and Dr. Pierce and Dr. Karev are?"

Jackson's face turned to one of sadness. What the hell happened? He motioned towards the elevator. The two of them got in, and Jackson pressed the fourth floor. Wasn't that the surgical recovery floor?

Cassie let out a deep breath. This was not good. The elevator dinged, and the two of them got off. They walked down the hall some way and turned into one of the patient rooms.

There was Meredith, sleeping off whatever it was that hurt her. She had casts on her legs, a sling on her arm, her mouth was wired shut.

"What happened?" Cassie whispered.

"She was attacked by a patient this morning. She had surgery. She has a long road to recovery ahead of her." Maggie started. "The kids are with Robbins for now. We should take them home, and-"

"Yeah," Cassie whispered, sitting down on one of the chairs. "Can I sit with her for a few minutes?"

Maggie and Alex nodded. "We'll go get the kids." The two of them stalked away, leaving the aunt and niece alone. Cassie took another breath, placing her hand on top of her aunt's.

"I don't- I don't understand how we keep getting into these situations. Is the universe really that set on making our lives miserable? Is this all we have to look forward to? God, you can't die too...you're the only family I have. I know I'm not your kid. I know I'm not that important, but you're important to me."

Cassie felt Meredith's hand move under her own. The doctors had told her Meredith couldn't hear. She didn't want Meredith hearing her pour her heart out. She would probably scoff at her, or she would say something that made her feel like the feeling wasn't mutual.

Little did Cassie know, Meredith's hearing had kicked in at that very second. She didn't open her eyes, but she squeezed her niece's hand in return.

"God, you can't die too...you're the only family I have. I know I'm not your kid. I know I'm not that important, but you're important to me."

Cassie looked up when the door opened very loudly. Was that... was that Amelia? She didn't look so good.

"Amy..." Cassie started, releasing her hand from Meredith's grasp and standing up from the chair.

Amy made eye contact with her niece. "Let me talk to Meredith." She growled. Oh god, she was drunk. She was an alcoholic, a one thousand something or other day recovering alcoholic. Did she fall off the wagon because of Meredith?

"I don't think you should be here right now, Amy. Maybe you should go..."

Home? She couldn't go home. Meredith had kicked her out a few days earlier. Where could she go? If she slept it off in an on-call room...

Webber appeared there as he had been summoned by Cassie's subconscious. He dragged a screaming Amelia away. Cassie looked back at Meredith, who was now blinking back at her. She had heard that whole thing, but she was going to pretend she was still deaf. She wanted to avoid talking some more. She held out her hand for Cassie to take. Cassie took it, giving it a squeeze.

"No dying, okay?"

"Mmmhmmm." Came Meredith's response.

"Wait. Meredith. Can you hear me?" Meredith looked at her, nodding. She almost smiled. Like this situation wasn't just another one to add to the list.

"I'll go get Dr. Avery," Cassie said, walking out into the hallway. She didn't know who she would find, but she found Maggie and Alex with the three kids in tow.

"Guys! She can hear!" Cassie exclaimed happily. The both of them smiled. "I'll page Avery. You guys can go towards the car. I'll catch up with you." Alex shuffled down the hall, back into Meredith's room.

"Aaxx." Came Meredith's voice.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on vocal rest. We'll get you a writing board in the morning."

"Assie," came her mumble.

"Cassie? She's fine." Alex responded. Meredith shook her head slowly. "Do you think something is wrong?" A nod.

"Maggie and I will keep an eye on her. I will see you in the morning, okay? Page Avery if you need anything. He will be here all night."

Meredith nodded. Alex gave her a kiss on the forehead and walked out, leaving Meredith alone.

...

Back at the house, Cassie stared at the Med Academy sheet in front of her. She had been so excited to share the news with the fam, but of course, fate had gotten in the way and ruined her day. Meredith had a much worse day, so they were both screwed in that aspect.

She needed her adult person's permission. Meredith was her legal guardian, she couldn't have Alex or Maggie sign it. Besides, after all, that had happened today, she didn't really want to. They had more important things to worry about.

So, she settled on forging her aunt's signature. It wasn't like her aunt would ever tell her no to taking a medical internship at the hospital she owned. All it was was high school students following around residents and interns on their rounds. They were lucky if they'd even get to observe one surgery throughout the whole semester.

She put the sheet away and began her homework. She didn't really want to do it, but she knew it wouldn't take that long.

Alex plopped down on the couch next to her. He looked nervous.

"You know, if you've got crap going on, you can tell me right?"

Oh god. Was she that easy to read?

"You probably feel like you're the resident babysitter around here, but you're more than just that." He joked. "You're little little Grey. That's not something anyone else can be. You're the last piece of the Greys that Mer has."

Cassie nodded, not in the mood to argue with him. She picked up her homework and continued doing it, hoping he would get the hint and walk away.

"Don't be dark and twisty." He added, walking away.

Cassie sighed.
...

Cassie eventually went upstairs to finish her homework on her bed. Everyone else had already gone to sleep, leaving the house nice and quiet. Clutching her calculus textbook under one arm and her mug of hot chocolate in the other, she walked into her room, quite surprised to find Zola laying under her covers.

Cassie debated whether or not to go downstairs to finish her homework when suddenly the little girl bounced up and looked at her. She had wet eyes. Cassie's heart broke then and there.

"Zo, what's wrong?"

"Aunt Maggie and Uncle Alex wouldn't tell me what's wrong with mommy. And I just know. When Daddy died, he was in a hospital and Mommy and Bailey and me went there. Mommy's dead, isn't she?"

Cassie let out a deep breath. Her cousin thought she was losing her other parent. Maggie and Alex hadn't answered Zolas questions, leaving her to fear the worst of the situation at hand.

"Zo, Mommy's alive. I saw her tonight at the hospital." She paused, how else do you tell kids these things? Was she supposed to lie? "Mommy has some owies, and she's going to be there for a while, but she's not dead. Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do. You're the only one who listens."

"Uncle Alex and Aunt Maggie aren't trying to leave you out. They're surgeons. You know how hard it is to be a surgeon, don't you?"

"Yeah. I'm going to be one when I grow up."

Cassie smiled. "Me too, Zo. I think it's in our blood." She paused, looking at the mug in her hand. "Do you want some of my hot chocolate?"

Zola furrowed her brow. "But I brushed my teeth..."

Cassie laughed. "I won't tell if you won't." She slowly handed her the mug. "Be careful, it's hot."

Zola took the mug from her older cousin, taking a big sip. She made a face of discomfort. "It's hot."

"What did I tell you?" Cassie frowned. She let out a sigh. "Do you want me to go finish my homework downstairs so you can sleep with the light off or do you want me to stay here?"

"Stay here. I don't want to be alone."

Cassie nodded. "Okay." She sat up in bed, placing her math on her lap. Zola turned over, wrapping herself in the blanket completely. She worked in silence for a while, listening to Zola breathing.

"Cassie?" Came Zola's groggy face. "I'm hungry."

Cassie slammed her math book shut. She had just finished. She looked over at Zola, who was now facing her. Her stomach rumbled as well. She hadn't eaten anything; everyone ate at the hospital and assumed she had too.

"C'mon Zola," Cassie said. "Let's go put some food in your stomach.

She and the young girl quietly made their way down the stairs, Cassie dropping her math book next to the rest of her stuff. She got another mug and put hers on the counter next to it.

"Ice cream or milk and cookies?"

"Ice cream!" Zola replied. "Wait, milk and cookies... Ice cream!"

"How about an ice cream sandwich in cookies with a glass of milk?"

Zola smiled. "That's so smart!"

Cassie grinned as she scooped the ice cream on the cookie, plopping another cookie on top of it. She poured milk into the mugs, putting one in front of Zola, then helped Zola onto the stool in front of the counter.

The little girl took a big bite out the sandwich, successfully getting ice cream all over her face. Cassie chuckled. This little girl was so cute, so innocent. She was her family. More than Alex, more than Amelia, more than Meredith.

"Zola." She started. "Do you want to be my p.i.c?"

Zola looked confused. "Is that a big person word? I'm still a tiny human."

"PIC stands for partner in crime. I think that "person" means someone you tell everything to, but a pic is a person you eat ice cream sandwiches with." She said with a wink. "What do you say, will you be my pic?"

Zola nodded. "Yes. I love you, pic."

"I love you too Zo," Cassie whispered.

Chapter Text

The stereotype thing we all hear is that everything happens for a reason. When people misinterpret your actions, take something good and turn it into something bad, and shove you lower than you thought possible, it's not hard to believe that you'd question why it happened. Why you're in that position. Why you. What did you do to deserve this? Why. I've been asking myself this a lot these last couple of days. People jump to conclusions. They're more than ready to assume the worst of you. And what do you do? What do you do when you're backed into a corner? What do you do when everyone turns on you? Fight back. Show them you're stronger than what they thought. And don't stop fighting. Everything will be okay in the end. There is a definitive purpose in each event that tries us; we just don't know it at the time. Figuring it out is the hard part. It's the fight. Don't ever give up that fight.  

Maggie's alarm clock went off precisely at 6 o'clock, as it always did. She woke up, started the coffee pot, and took a shower.

Alex woke up an hour later, taking the first cup of the coffee, making lunches for the kids, and pulling out the cereal and milk. He woke up Bailey, got Ellis, and went to wake Zola, but then realized she wasn't in her bed. A little panicked, he was relieved to find Zola cuddling with Cassie in her bed. Cassie's arm was draped across Zola, and Zola was almost completely immersed in Cassie's stomach. It was adorable, and in true Uncle Alex fashion, he snapped a picture and sent it to Meredith.

Cassie's phone alarm went off at that exact moment, waking up both of the girls. Alex darted out of the room before they realized he had been standing there with Ellis in his arms. He helped Bailey down the stairs, poured him a bowl of cereal, gave Ellis some yogurt chewies, and drank his coffee.

Cassie and Zola came bouncing down the stairs, Cassie suddenly aware that she was going to be late for school. She dumped some cereal into a mug, put some milk on top of it, grabbed a spoon and ran back up the stairs.

Zola took the cereal happily. "Cassie is my pic."

Alex furrowed a brow. "Am I supposed to know what that means?"

"It means partner in crime. I'm Cassie's partner in crime." Zola declared proudly.

"Cassie!" Alex screamed.

"What?" Cassie responded from upstairs.

"You're driving!"

"No, I'm not. I don't want to!"

"Well too bad! You're driving to school!"

"Why?" Cassie moaned. "I have PTSD! That makes me unreliable and dangerous."

"I don't care!" Alex responded, satisfied he had somewhat won the fight. "Take your brother upstairs and brush your teeth." He mentioned towards Zola. Alex bounced Ellis some more, going upstairs to put her in some play clothes. He got everyone ready, buckled into car seats, and situated himself into the passenger seat. Cassie came later, in a sweatshirt, leggings and a ponytail. She grumbled, handing Alex her backpack and taking the keys from him.

She hesitated slightly. She could die. Driving could kill you. But so could standing. Breathing. It's easier to die than you would think. So maybe driving would be okay. She took a deep breath, putting the keys in the ignition. And she drove. There were no bumps in the road (both literally and figuratively.) Alex handed her her backpack once she was double parked outside of school, and she walked in, ready for her first day of Med Academy.

The group, consisting of eight guys and five girls, took a bus to Grey Sloan Memorial. Their school combined with two or three other schools, jointly making a group of about thirty kids. They were greeted by Webber, and Cassie did her best to avoid being seen and or recognized by him. Diana was eagerly pushing her way to the front. It was cute.

"Usually I would give a speech about how the seven years you spend as a surgical resident are the best and worst years of your life. But you guys aren't even close to being there. You've got another ten years before you're even interns. Some of you will crack at the pressure of med school. Of the thirty of you standing here today, I'd say only three of you will ever make it to a surgical residency. You'll find something that makes you happier." Webber adjusted his lab coat. "Today, you'll receive a tour from me, as well as possibly observe some rounds with some of our surgical residents. You'll have the opportunity to ask some of them questions. Are you ready?"

The group eagerly nodded.

Cassie began to follow them when she noticed a girl that hadn't with them before, was now with them. She was wearing a leather jacket, her hair long and brown running to her shoulders. She looked like someone Cassie knew, for sure, but her brain didn't register it.

"Hi." Cassie started. "I don't think I've seen you at school. I'm Cassie." Cassie held out a hand. The girl just chuckled.

"I don't know you. But I'm Amber." Amber took a deep breath. "I really hope we go to the peds floor." She muttered under her breath.

"Why?" Cassie asked. "What's on the peds floor?"

"Someone I know. I haven't seen them in a really long time." Amber finished, clutching her leather jacket. For some reason, Cassie's brain clicked to a memory of reading about a shooting at the hospital. What had the world come to? Should she tell someone?

She chose to keep her cool. "I don't know. Peds is pretty tough. Plus, seeing sick kids will probably trigger the Med Academy students." She chuckled distastefully. "I spent some time on the peds floor here."

Amber perked up at this. "Did you have a Doctor Karev?"

Now Cassie was concerned. Was this Alex's secret kid? Did everyone have one? Cassie made the decision to play it cool. "I think so. But I always had the bone and brain surgeons, so I never met him. What's he to you?"

Amber snapped. "None of your business." She stomped forward, trying to catch up with the rest of the group.

Cassie stopped to debate this. Should she tell Amber that she knew Alex? What if Alex hated her and ran away from his hometown to get away from her? What if he would be mad at her? She had learned not to get involved in other people's drama. But shoot, she didn't think this was Alex's kid. And she didn't think this girl was a shooter. If she was, well, Cassie was cursed and killed everyone in her sight. She put her finger on her phone, just in case.

"Amber!" She called, running to catch up to her. "I can try to get Karev for you. Just tell me who he is to you. Please."

Amber rolled her eyes. "He's my brother. He's not my father. I'm not his secret child if that's the conclusion you came to. I know that's what people think. I know you live with him." Now Cassie was a bit concerned. Had she been looking through Meredith's windows with a pair of binoculars? Amber rolled her eyes again at the sight of Cassie's facial expression. "I did my research before I used every dollar that we had left to get from Iowa to here. I knew he's a doctor at this hospital, and I knew that a group of high schoolers was going to show up. I know he's lived on and off with Meredith Grey, who's like, a surgical goddess."

"And me? How did you know I lived there?"

"You left with him yesterday night. I was going to try and talk to him then, but I saw him going to a car full of children. Come on. He didn't need our family put on display."

Cassie sighed. "They don't really know I'm here today. I forged their signature on the permission sheet."

"Ooh! You're not as innocent as you look!"

Now it was Cassie's turn to roll her eyes. "I was a secret baby that my mother didn't tell anyone about that fought her way here sixteen years later. I lived in foster homes for a while, I lived on islands in the middle of nowhere with no company but my cousins and my aunt and armed forces uncle. They didn't pay attention to me, they took me in out of obligation."

"At least your mother wasn't a schizophrenic drug addict."

"At least yours didn't abandon you"

The both of them sighed. Cassie almost felt like this girl she met and she could potentially be friends. Amber bit her lip.

"Wait, why did you... why didn't they sign your form? They're doctors; why wouldn't they want you to do the same?"

"I'm sure they would. Stuff happened yesterday and I didn't really have a chance to ask them. It didn't feel right. But I couldn't miss the first day. They'll be angrier that I didn't ask than the fact that I went."

Cassie and Amber trailed behind the group as they were led through the most obvious places: the cafeteria, through the radiology floor.

Amber let out a gasp when they approached the OR floor. "Its funny how much money people make cutting people open with knives in this room."

Cassie let out a laugh. "Well, when you put it like that... it makes surgeons look really bad. But they don't do it for the money. At least, not completely. They're all extremely passionate. They want to save the lives. It's more than just cutting skin and suturing, it's about the people too."

Amber snorted. "They have you snowed."

Cassie frowned. "Um, no. I came to that conclusion all on my own. I want to be a surgeon to change lives and save them."

"Yeah, you and every other high school student that spends their free time watching medical dramas on Netflix."

Cassie crossed her arms, "I didn't have Netflix in Tahiti. I never watched any television. I found out my aunt and my mom were both surgeons when I was seven. I wanted to be a surgeon like them."

Amber looked like she was about to say something else that was snarky, but then Webber began ushering the group to get their photo IDs taken. Cassie and Amber both looked at each other. "You need to go before he realizes you're not in this program!" Cassie pushed her. "Take the elevator to the 4th floor. Go to the nurse's station and ask for Karev."

Webber turned to her just as the doors on the elevator closed. "Grey!" Cassie walked towards him, a cheeky grin on her face.

"Hey, Chief! Well, that's what everyone calls you. How's it going?"

"Did you really think I wouldn't realize that you forged Meredith's signature? Why would you do that, Grey?"

Cassie chuckled nervously. "I was going to have her sign it, but she never came home last night. And I didn't really want to tell Karev or Pierce cause I wanted to share that with my aunt. I couldn't."

Webber nodded. He surely must have known what had happened yesterday. He was like Meredith's father. He had been in an affair with Meredith's mother (she totally hadn't read Ellis's journals). He didn't seem mad, just... how could he be mad when Meredith was in the condition that she was?

"You and I are going to pay her a little visit while your little high school friends are on their lunch break so you can tell her what you're up to."

Cassie let out a breath. "I suppose I should have known that was coming."

...

As promised, Cassie went to go visit her aunt. She didn't know what she was going to say; she figured she could put the spotlight on Alex and his little sister because that sounded a lot more interesting than forgery on a permission slip.

She slid the door open, seeing if her aunt was awake. She couldn't talk, as far as Cassie knew. Her head was facing the window, and she looked like she was decked out on painkillers.

Cassie sat down in the chair next to the window, watching her aunt sleep. She looked a lot younger when she slept. She looked calm. She looked peaceful. Webber walked in, giving her the 'did you confess' look.

"She's asleep," Cassie whispered. "I don't want to wake her."

"Too -ate." came her aunt's half asleep reply. She stretched out as much as she could, and looked at her niece. She blinked, picking up the whiteboard that had Alex had gotten her. She furrowed her brow.

School?

"I am at school. I'm in a class doing rounds at the hospital. I was going to tell you, except you..." she motioned to the room. "I forged your signature. And Webber must have your handwriting memorized because he made me come to tell you. I hope you're not mad."

Meredith blinked at her niece in response. She wiped the board.

How is it going?

Cassie let out a breath. She knew Meredith wouldn't be mad. "Pretty good. Webber gave his 'the seven years you spend as a surgical resident' speech..."

Meredith looked terrified. She shook her head.

You're not that old yet. Stay a kid while you can.

"There's something else I need to talk to you about." She looked up at Webber, who nodded and walked out, closing the door behind her. Meredith looked at her niece expectedly. She didn't know what to expect there. Was her niece confiding in her about something personal? Had she finally realized that she could trust her with these things?

"When I came here today, there was a teenage girl who snuck into the group. She told me she was Amber Karev. She's Alex's sister. She was looking for him. I sent her to the peds floor cause I didn't want Webber to see her and get involved. Do you know what the story is there?"

Meredith picked up her phone, probably sending a message to Alex. She then picked up her whiteboard again.

Family drama

Cassie rolled her eyes. "I knew that part. I guess you're not going to tell me anything else?" Meredith shook her head. "That's what I thought."

Meredith was about to reply when Alex busted through the door. "What's the emergency?" He asked. He saw Cassie. "Why aren't you in school?"

"I am in school, this is the Med Acad-"

Meredith held up her board.

Your little sister is here

"What?"

At just that moment, Amber busted through the door. Her face turned red."I am so sorry. I, uh..." She then saw Cassie. "Wait a minute..."

Cassie stood up. "This is my aunt, Meredith Grey." She cleared her throat, motioning to her aunt in the bed. "That's Amber." She pointed out as if that wasn't completely obvious.

"Alex..." she started. "I didn't know what else to do..."

"Did you hitchhike here from Iowa? Why didn't you call?" He hissed, clearly angry.

"I used everything we had left Alex! To get here, to find out where you were! Aaron almost killed me!"

Alex's face visibly softened. "Where is he now? Where is mom now?"

"Same place they've always been. I ran. I didn't want them to stick me in another home. Alex..." she gulped. "Don't make me go back there."

Alex let out a breath. "What am I supposed to do with you? I can't keep you here!"

"I don't know Alex. I haven't asked for much in my life, and I let you walk away. My life has been put on the line so many times, but this time was different. I felt my life flash before my eyes. And I realized, I didn't want this to be how it ended. Hell, after being with perky over there," she motioned to Cassie, watching this unfold, "I might even become a surgeon."

Alex smirked. "I'll see what I can do."

Amber stuck out her tongue. "But I still don't forgive you for leaving me there." She walked out of the room, stomping down the hall.

"Wow." Cassie let out. She turned to Meredith. "I'm really not that perky."

Meredith shrugged in response.

Another resident of the frat house?

Alex snorted. "Of course. Now we have two teenagers. We just keep racking 'em in!" Alex's phone buzzed in his pocket. He turned to Cassie. "Can you find her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid?" Cassie nodded. Meredith was about to write something to her when Webber poked his head in the door.

"The school bus is here to take you back."

"Okay," Cassie responded. Meredith looked like she wanted to say something, but Cassie mumbled a "bye" and walked out before she could say anything else.

Chapter Text

If you had one day left to live, what would you do? Where would you go? Who would you spend it with? If you had one day left to live, would you say what was on your mind? Your thoughts, words flowing to form the emotions you're feeling, said or left unsaid?

Nobody knows what comes after life. What does death entail? Is it living in the clouds? Nobody knows until they're dead.

Cassie walked down the hallway of the hospital, clutching her backpack straps to her shoulders. She really didn't know what she was doing, where she was going. She just hoped she would find one of the four doctors that lived in her house (or any of the other doctors in that circle would suffice as well). Maybe she could go keep her aunt company, but she felt weird around Meredith, like there was something Meredith wasn't telling her. She hoped the prognosis wasn't worse than what she was told. She didn't know if she could take her aunt dying.

Her feet stopped when her eyes met the sight of a boy around her age, sitting up in his bed, clutching a book that's golden pages shined under the lights. Was that a copy of Wicked?

He looked peaceful. He wore a Seahawks beanie on his head, loose clothes, and a colorful blanket on his lap. He looked wistful, maybe a little at peace with himself. Like he had accepted what had been handed to him. It's horrible, she thinks, that we're trained to give up so easily.

The boy had caught her staring and furrowed a brow in anger. "HEY! Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to stare?" Cassie suddenly realized she had been staring and hesitantly moves forward into the doorway of his room.

Cassie awkwardly cleared her throat. "Do you go to school around here?" Seriously? That was the best thing she could come up with? School was the thing running through her mind at the moment. She was semi-traumatized by the thought of it.

The boy was blunt, perhaps a little too blunt for a kid that seemed at peace with the fact that he was dying. "I did until cancer started spreading through my body and started killing me." Cassie was speechless. She couldn't respond to that. How did anyone respond to that? "Dying is a part of life," he continued as if he had read her mind.

Cassie was still speechless. The two stare at each other. This was painfully awkward.

The boy looked down quietly, as though he had given up his tough guy act. "Will you sit with me?" He mumbled sheepishly. Dragging her feet behind her, Cassie clomped into the patient room. She hesitantly sat down next to the bed in the cold, metal chair. They sat in silence for a few minutes. To Cassie, it felt like hours. She didn't know what to say. Was it her job to fill the silence?

The boy, whatever his name was, spoke up, taking Cassie out of her own thoughts.

"You know that movie where the girl dies on the beach sitting next to her best friend? That's not how I plan on going. I want it to be a rainy day. You know, the rain will cleanse the earth and then the sun will come out and life will go on. I love the sound of rain. Most people don't appreciate it, but it's something beautiful. Most people hate the rain. They see rain and they think of clouds and a gray sky. They think of someone crying because the gloom is all they can see around them. I see rain and I think of the flowers that bloom because of it. I think of how shiny my car is going to be. The rain is not tears of pain; it's tears of joy. You have to appreciate the rain. Appreciate the rain, and rather than staring out a window, go stand in it. Dance in the rain. That's how I want to go. I want to spend my last day dancing in the rain with someone I love." He cleared his throat, shifting his face away from Cassie to the window of his hospital room, where the tears streamed down in a rhymic pattern. He turned back to her.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Cassie let his words sink into her brain for a brief moment. They were deep. They touched her in a way she hadn't been touched in a very long time. "Appreciate the rain..." She mumbled.

...

"Alex." Meredith hissed when her person walked right past her hospital room. She was lonely, she was bored, and she needed to talk to someone about her dream or near-death experience or whatever. She knew he had a lot on his plate with the fact that Amber was currently sitting in her house doing god knows what (she didn't know how she felt about that yet.)

"Yeah, Mer? Do you need something? You know you're not supposed to be on vocal rest. Did Avery forget to bring you the ice?"

"Alex, I need to tell you something." She must of looked serious because he sat down immediately on the side of the bed.

"What is it?"

"When I was attacked, I saw dead people. Like, I saw Doc and the bomb squad guy and my mother when I drowned. But this time, I saw Derek, Mark, George, and Lexie. It felt so real... and Lexie gave me a name. Cassie's father. I know I should tell her..."

"Where is he?"

"Lexie said he died. I don't know."

"Maybe you should look him up first and see if he's real before you believe your dead sister. I'll do it. Just give me a name."

"Speaking of sisters..." Meredith cleared her throat. "How do you feel about yours being here?"

"She's with Maggie at the house. I needed to come here and clear my head. She's just... she deserves better. I left her with Aaron and my mom, who are both not good. She probably went in and out of foster care with my mom and brother's condition. I want to help her, but..."

"Alex, she can stay with us. She's your family, and she needs you."

"We literally just took in Cassie! Mer, we can't save them all..."

Meredith nodded. "I know that, but these two are our family. We aren't taking in strays like we used to. This is it. If Addison and Derek's love child shows up..."

Alex laughed sarcastically, "Honestly, who knows. Who else has a secret kid? I wouldn't be surprised if I had one!" His smile disappeared. "Oh my god, Mer! What if I have one?"

...

Amber wandered through the house her brother lived in. It was nice, she would admit, but she didn't know where she was going to sleep. She supposed she could share with Cassie, there were worse things. It wasn't that that worried her. She was worried the social worker was going to find a way to pull her out of the house. They looked for reasons to discredit prospective caregivers but were more than ready to hand over kids to abusers.

She turned the knob to the room where the kids slept. In an effort to make more room, Zola, Ellis, and Bailey were all 'sleeping' in one room temporarily. They were trying to find a way to fit everyone in comfortably but failed. Meredith was in the hospital, so Zola and Bailey were sleeping in her bed because they clearly missed their mom. Amber knew that feeling. She wasn't going to tattle.

There was another empty room, but Amber didn't want to ask Alex what had happened to its inhabitant. She thought about asking Cassie, but she wasn't sure.

"Hey, baby girl," she greeted the baby, chilling in her crib. "Your brother and sister didn't invite you to the slumber party in mommy's bed, did they? That's okay, I'll keep you company." She picked up Ellis out of her crib, and she immediately cuddled into Amber. That was weird. Babies usually cried when Amber was in sight of them.

Twenty minutes later, she tried to put the baby back in the crib, but she began screaming bloody murder.

And the only time she stopped crying was when Amber picked her back up.

Guess she wasn't getting the arm back.

...

"Hey, Alex," Cassie asked when he came into Meredith's hospital room a couple hours later. "Do you have the patient with the Seahawks beanie?"

Alex furrowed his brow. "Yeah, Ryan. What about him?"

Cassie let out a breath. She was not going to harp on his 'appreciate the rain' speech. It had been sitting on her mind since the two of them had talked. It had kept her up at night and distracted her from her schoolwork. "I met him at the hospital the other day. He told me some things. I just... can I ask you what he has?"

Alex sighed. "Brain tumor. He doesn't have much time. Why are you asking, Cass? The kid has never said two words to me. He seems keen on dying. He doesn't understand that he needs to fight."

For some reason, that statement caused Cassie to snap. "What is he going to fight, Alex? He has an extremely low chance of survival! He's going to die, probably because you and Amelia couldn't think of something to do to fix him!" Cassie didn't realize she was screaming until her aunt woke up coughing, wondering what all of the screamings were about.

"What is going on?" Meredith wrote on her board, pretty aggressively. Alex didn't look pissed enough. Meredith had seen pissed enough, pissed enough to punch someone pissed enough. This was not that. Cassie let out a deep breath.

"I am so sorry. That was really harsh of me. It's not your fault at all that he's dying. It's just unfair that he has no time. He doesn't ever get to grow up. Have kids. Get married. Go to college. Graduate high school. His life was cut short by some unfair tumor."

"Do I need to be concerned here?" Meredith wrote on her board, looking between her niece and her person. She still had literally no context of what was going on.

"No, Mer." Cassie said, walking away from Alex. "I'm sorry for snapping at you." She repeated, taking her backpack and going upstairs. She knew what she needed to do.

...

That was Saturday. By Monday, Cassie had her plan all figured out. She might lose her internship for a boy she hardly knew and did NOT have romantic feelings for, but it was fine. And he might think she was crazy. It was, again, fine.

"Hi, Ryan." Cassie greeted, walking into his room wheeling a wheelchair in front of her. He was staring out the window as the rain fell. It fell quickly and rhythmically. It was something Cassie had never paid attention to, for the time in life that she had lived in Seattle. For the first time, Cassie was paying attention to the rain. She was appreciating it.

"What is that for?" He asked, peering at her in the scrubs and ID she had gotten on orientation day of being an intern's intern (before the program had even started) and the wheelchair in confusion and distrust. Cassie let out a laugh.

"We're going for a walk." She hinted, not wanting to give away the surprise. The teenage boy raised an eyebrow in response.

"Do I even want to know? You have some evil plan. For all I know, you could be taking me down to the morgue."

Cassie glared back at him. "My aunt is the daughter of a famous surgeon. She owns this hospital. If you're unhappy with me, which you won't be, you can sue the pants off my aunt and her hospital.

"Fine," Ryan muttered in response. Cassie smiled, pulling the wheelchair closer to the bed and helping him into it. It was then she noticed how frail he really was. She wondered was it was like to feel yourself slowly die. It was something she was lucky enough to not have experienced. Death seemed to be everywhere around her and this hospital, but getting in a car crash and getting knocked and waking up in a hospital did not fit her definition of a slow death.

Cassie was very swift in making sure that none of the surgeons that her aunt was friends with was roaming in the hallways before pushing the chair down the hall and catching an elevator. She prayed no one would be on it; elevators seemed to be a place with lots of drama.

"Now I'm concerned," Ryan spoke up loudly, to get the girl's attention. "You're openly avoiding all of the surgeons. For all I know, you could pull out a gun and shoot me right here in this elevator."

Cassie subconsciously winced at the thought of a shooting. The irony of that statement.

Finally, the two of them got off on the bottom floor. From here, it was obvious that the rain was falling heavily, crashing against the windows. Ryan's eyes widened at the sight of the rain. He let out a deep breath, and Cassie saw his shoulder relax. She smiled.

"Well, are you going to appreciate the rain or not?" She asked him. He looked up at her in confusion.

"You said you wanted to appreciate the rain! Now you are going to come outside and dance with me! We have to dance it out," Cassie held out her hand to the boy. She prayed to whatever was up there that he would benefit from this and that she wasn't just a psycho giving a dying kid pneumonia.

Ryan looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed in thought. He let out another deep breath, glanced at the rain, and then looked up at her, offering her his hand.

She helped pull him up, slowly and gently, walking him through the glass doors. She walked him all the way past the awning and under the rain. She let out a laugh as Ryan started out dancing, and she almost feared him falling when he winced in pain. But then, his dancing grew intense and she saw his fears of death, dying, and the end melt away. His Seahawks cap grew wet, as did his shirt, but he let out a wide smile.

"You said you were going to dance too! Don't just stand there!"

Cassie pulled out her phone and clicked a happy song before joining him.

A few moments later, Cassie saw a lady, assumably a relative of Ryan's, come out through the door. She looked angry at him. "What are you doing? You could get sick!" She growled, but Ryan was too busy laughing over her to care.

"I'm already sick! Dance with me!"

The lady's eyes softened. If Cassie was right, and this was Ryan's mother, then she couldn't even begin to understand the emotions that woman was going through in her mind. From despair to grief to complete hopelessness. Her son was dying. And here he was being okay with that. It was unsettling, to say the least.

She just hoped they had appreciated the rain enough.

The woman came out and took over in dancing with the young boy. The stress in her eyes lessened as she saw the boy laugh and smile. She turned to Cassie where she was standing, simply observing, mumbling.

"Thank you."

...

Cassie got out of the passenger side of the car; Alex got out of the driver's seat. They were there together to support one person. It had happened later that week. Alex had been there, turning off the monitors as his heart slowed to a flat line. That's all everyone ends up being at some point. A flat line. There is no legacy. No remembrance. Just a flat line.

The parents had invited Alex to the funeral, but he had been swamped with surgeries. They left Cassie to her own devices, figuring she was harmless after finding out she wasn't technically staffed by the hospital. He was dead, and dancing in the rain was not going to change that. So there they stood, a few days after the funeral, in front of a dead boy's grave.

You never know what day might be the last. All it takes is one second for your life to end. Say what's on your mind. Tell them how you feel. Tell them you love them. Because you might be gone tomorrow.

She bent down to place a lone flower, a daisy, on his stone. No one else had placed any flowers there, as they probably had just put the stone up. The thunder rumbled. The sky had been clear only moments ago. How had the weather changed that quickly?

"That's impossible..." Cassie muttered under her breath.

Alex rolled his eyes from where he was standing. "In case you haven't noticed, it rains all the time in Seattle. It's not that big of a deal."

"Rain was Ryan's thing. I don't know how to explain it, but he wanted there to be rain when he died and he wanted everyone he loved to appreciate it. Maybe that's what we need to do. We have to appreciate the rain!"

So Cassie stood up from her hunched over position by the grave and held her arms out. Alex furrowed his eyebrows before doing the same thing, actively getting soaked.

...

The two of them sat in Alex's car chomping on cheeseburgers a half an hour later. Cassie was dipping her frosty in her fries, and Alex sipped his soda.

"So..." Cassie started. "You have a sister. I haven't spent enough time with her to tell you much, but she's got some fire."

Alex sighed. He was getting sucked into talking about his feelings by his person's niece. "Yeah. I always knew she had the potential to get out of Iowa and do something great. I always felt bad for leaving her there, but I couldn't quite be the older brother. I figured someday when I was really a surgeon, I would go get her. I'd have enough money to send her to college and help her have a life. But somewhere along the way, I stopped being her older brother."

Cassie dipped a fry before putting in her mouth. "Here's the thing, Alex. You will always be her older brother, just as Lexie will always be my mom. For whatever reason, you didn't support her. But she's here now. You can support her now and you can give her that future. If you send her back to Iowa, she's probably going to get sucked into drugs or alcohol or prostitution and that's not on her. It's the situation. You are her big brother, so you need to act like it, even if you haven't been recently."

Alex nodded. "I don't know if it's that simple, Cass. There are rules and social workers... Molly signed over her rights, and my mom probably wouldn't. She's a schizophrenic. Not to mention social workers checking Mer's house. There's too many of us living there! They wouldn't let us keep her."

Cassie furrowed her brow. "Okay. So Amelia's gone. I don't know where and I don't know if that's my business but she's not there anymore. So that leaves the four kids and you, Maggie and Mer."

"I don't know if the social workers would approve of that. It's a lot of people and a lot of kids."

"Doesn't what Amber wants matter here?"

"Not if it's not in what they deem her best interest. I was in the foster system. I know how it works. There are a lot of bad foster homes out there and social workers are skeptical."

"But they still let them stay there! We have to try Alex! We have to!"

Alex was about to respond when his phone pinged from where it sat in the center console. He picked it, flipping it over.

"I had Maggie look him up. He's alive."

Chapter Text

There are so many things I want to say. There a million ways to start this conversation. 'Thank you. You care. Be here for me.' It's not hard to picture where you want this conversation to go. 'Sometimes I wish  life was easier .  I wish my family was all alive and thriving and happy. I wish we had better. I wish I was happy. I need you .' The hard part is finding the courage to open your mouth and trusting the person in front of you to be there for you regardless of what you say. And sometimes, no matter how much you trust someone, you still cannot find the words .

Seattle: 2012

Lexie couldn't believe herself standing at his apartment door. This was crazy! What would she say? How would she say it?

He answered the door with a confused expression on his face. His brown hair was wet and uncombed, he was cleanly shaven, smelling of men's body wash. His Stanford sweatpants clung to his legs, and he flexed his bare chest subconsciously.

"Lexie? What are you-"

"Were you planning to tell me that you were here in Seattle? How long have you been here?" She yelled at him. He stepped back in defense.

"Lex, you left me, remember? You left me years ago when we were in high school. Why are you standing on my doorstep now?"

Because we have a daughter. We have a daughter and we can go get her right now from the small, run-down foster home she's in.

Lexie bit her lip. That was what she wanted to say, but what came out of her mouth was much different. "I love you. I've never stopped. There were things that happened..."

I got pregnant with your child and couldn't tell you.

"-That I couldn't deal with. I'm standing here today because I need you in my life."

And it happened like that. He kissed her, pulling her into the apartment, slamming the door behind her. They made their way slowly to the couch, where she collapsed on top of him, their lips still not separated.

She pulled those Stanford pants down to the ground.

Mark Sloan had another kid. So, she had one too. And she was going to get her back.

Seattle: Today

Amber walked into the hospital room, clutching her oversized sweater she had stolen from Alex to her chest.

"You wanted to talk to me?" She asked, eyeballing the woman sitting in the hospital bed. The story had gone that she had been attacked in her own hospital by a patient. She was Alex's best friend. She didn't know what to say or how to act. Meredith motioned to a chair, so Amber grabbed it, slamming herself down in it. She fumbled with her oversized sleeves, avoiding eye contact with Meredith.

"Amber. Look at me please." Meredith croaked. The girl's eyes slowly made their way upwards. The woman's eyes were cold, but warm at the same time. She didn't know how to explain it; there was pain and sadness and grief in her eyes, but also compassion and empathy and love. It was the same look she wore with her own eyes.

There was a piece of Amber that saw Meredith as the potential maternal figure she lacked, the potential mother figure she needed and deserved. She wanted Meredith to open her arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But Meredith looked back at her with her same warm but cold face.

"You're Alex's little sister. Alex is my person. That's a word I don't use lightly. He's my best friend, my other half... I watched him transform from a scrawny rude intern into the compassionate pediatric surgeon he is today that fights for his patients. He was there for me when we were interns; he's there for me today. I will stand by him and support his decision as to how he will deal with this situation."

"Okay. Thank you."

She felt slightly reassured. But she still could have used that hug and life talk.

...

"Mer wants to talk to you. I don't know what it's about." Alex knocked, standing at the door to the attic. "You have to go over there and talk to her. You can take my car."

Cassie rolled her eyes from her position sprawled out on her bed. "I know you know what it's about. You're her person!"

Alex didn't respond, so Cassie assumed he had walked away. He was home with the kids today; he was taking some time off to deal with the Amber situation. She knew he was at a loss with what to do, and Cassie didn't blame him for that. How could she? Meredith was in the same position herself not too long ago. To be a widow world renown surgeon with three kids and take in her dead half sister's secret kid? Cassie had so much respect for that woman.

She wondered what it was that Mer wanted to talk to her about. Maybe it wasn't working out. Maybe she was going back into foster care.

Maybe she was still just that little scraggly kid who loved to read and didn't fit in with the other kids.

Maybe she was still just as insecure.

Once the door opened, Cassie looked up to see Amber walking in with two cups of hot chocolate, slamming the door behind her. She looked just a little frazzled with the situation. She knew to go to Alex was the right thing to do; she couldn't afford any more near-death experiences or abusive foster parents or other stuff she couldn't bare to think about.

"Are you okay?" Cassie asked, eyeballing the teenager leaning against her door.

"I'm fine. I just- it was the right thing to do. I know that. I just don't know how this situation is going to end. It could end really badly. It probably will end up badly. But, apparently, it's not that hard to get temporary custody when your mom is a committed schizophrenic. Meredith and Alex gave me the whole rundown. They don't know how this is going to end." Amber plopped down next to Cassie on the bed, handing her the hot chocolate.

"It's probably better if you go back to Iowa. At least you have a lesser chance of getting hit by the Grey curse." Cassie mused, taking a sip of the chocolate.

Amber snorted. "What's the Grey curse? Is it another thing you Seattle people came up with?"

"No. My aunt and I are convinced everyone with the Grey name has a bad luck spell thrust upon them by some higher force. Meredith's mother, Ellis Grey, was a famous surgeon. She died of Alzheimer's. My grandfather, Thatcher Grey, has lived a life next to a bottle. Meredith Grey has suffered everything. A bombing, a shooting, a plane crash, the loss of everyone she loved..."

"And you? What's your damage?"

"My mother, Lexie Grey, gave me away. But that wasn't all. She died under a plane, the same plane that flew Meredith out of the sky. She and Alex got into an ambulance crash in a rainstorm. Tell me they aren't cursed."

"I'm pretty sure I was cursed before I met you. But thanks." She mused.

...

Cassie walked into her aunt's hospital room. She was sitting up in the bed, which was a good sign. Alex had told her that they wanted her to see the kids. She knew Zola was irritated that Cassie had been in to see Meredith multiple times and she hadn't been allowed to. Bailey and Ellis were too young to understand what had happened; they just knew that Mommy wasn't around as much anymore.

"Yeah, Mer? What's up?"

She muttered, clearly agitated by the wiring in her jaw. Cassie didn't know how she was going to talk, much less understand. How were they to have a "serious" conversation like this?

Why was her aunt even in a freaking hospital bed? Why couldn't they all just be fine?

Meredith aggressively began writing on her whiteboard. "Hear me out here. I drowned; I froze; I died. I saw my dead dog and dead mother. Ask Alex, it happened."

Cassie nodded. "Okay, but what does that have to do with me?"

"I saw Lexie."

Cassie's jaw clenched. She wasn't angry; she was just... shocked? Confused? Why was the world so set on her being unhappy? Her mother was dead, and she had never come and visited her in a dream? She had gotten into a car accident too for god's sake! There were no mysterious visits from her dead mother that gave her away!

"And?"

"In the dream, she gave me a name."

"Whose-"

She stopped short. It made sense all of the sudden. Why Meredith had suddenly decided to tell her something about her. Why Meredith had been holding back. She hadn't known how to say it. Also, there was the fact that it was absolutely crazy to believe that her dead mother had given her a name of a legit guy, much less her father.

"And... who is he? Is he alive?"

"He is alive. Your mother thought he was dead."

"I don't understand... how did-"

...

Seattle: 2012

She again found herself banging on his apartment door. She had heard the news from the gossip grapevine instead of her boyfriend himself. "What do you mean you're leaving? That's crazy! You came back to Seattle because your mother was sick and needed you! You can't leave her now!" She screamed through the door.

"Lexie!" The man had argued, irritated at her screaming through the door. "This country needs me to serve! Now more than ever. My mother is finally back in good condition. She has my sister. Dr. Hunt has helped me to get a great position in Iraq. I'm going to get to help injured people medically! I am going to save the lives of those who risk their own for our country! How great is that!" He stood there in his camouflage suit, and Lexie felt a bit sick to her stomach.

"Just because Seattle Grace does not have a position for you at this current moment does not mean that you should just pack up and go on the other side of the world! Your life is here!"

"Lexie, I love you. Of course, I do. I always have. We are going to get to live happily ever after together. You need time to get over the whole Mark situation, and I need time to get over not getting hired by Seattle Grace. It's only one year overseas. How bad could it be?"

"What if you don't come back here?"

"I always come back, don't I?"

...

Seattle: Now

Cassie furrowed her brow. "So, you talked to Owen about this?" My dead mother gave you a name of a surgeon that had applied here the year she died and was denied and then enlisted, was listed MIA and then was found."

Meredith nodded like the whole situation was completely logical.

"So where is he now?"

"Seattle Presbyterian." She wrote on her board.

"So what am I supposed to do with this information, Mer?" She got up from the bed, beginning to pace the floor. "My dead mom's lover is alive. She thought he was dead!" Cassie looked at her aunt, who was desperately tracking her moment back and forth across the length of the room. Cassie could feel her shoulders getting tenser and tenser; it was a habit she had picked up when she was younger. She couldn't fully verbalize her feelings toward the situation, so she put all of her stress into her shoulders and neck. They were getting tighter and tighter by the second.

Cassie felt like crying. She felt like screaming. She had a dad! Well, everyone had a dad, but hers was a surgeon just like her mom and like she was going to be. He was right in the city, and she could go see him, go meet him.

She didn't know why that information made her suck in her air stressfully. She numbly excused herself from the room, needing to process.

Meredith sighed. That girl was just like her. She had her own set of daddy issues; it was something that never really went away. For a long time, she was unable to talk about how she felt about these things. She knew Cassie, she knew she kept the weight of the world on her shoulders, and didn't want to talk about it.

She debated whether or not to call Maggie to get her to find Cassie, who was probably finding a storage closet to cry in. But Maggie was in surgery, and Alex was at home with the kids and his sister.

Ugh.

...

There she was, standing in the lobby of Grey Sloan Memorial. The building was remarkably empty, she didn't think she had ever seen it so immaculate.

And there she was, standing in front of her. Exactly like in the pictures. She was gorgeous, she was radiant. She looked angelic. Her long brown hair fell behind her head in curls, and she was dressed in a long white dress.

She was Mom.

"Mom," Cassie muttered, walking towards the angel-like figure standing in the distance. Was she dead? Was she nearing death?

"Cassie." Lexie started, coming towards her, "I am so proud of you. Life is hard and unpredictable, and we can't control a lot of it. You haven't had the easiest life, but you have Meredith, for now, and you have..."

"What do you mean, for now?" But Lexie didn't answer, which worried the young girl even more. "What does that mean? What's going to happen to Meredith?"

...

Cassie woke up with a start. She felt it coming up. She jumped out of her bed, running downstairs to the bathroom, praying there was no one in it. She didn't know what time it was, she just hoped everyone else was asleep.

She puked out her dinner, irritably, and leaned back against the wall.

The shower door moved to the right, and there was Amber, laying in the tub with Ellis laying on her chest, happily asleep.

"Are you preggers? Who's the lucky guy? Is it one of the doctors? Are you doing a surgeon?" Cassie gave her the dirtiest look. Amber laughed in response.

"Have you ever... never mind it's dumb..." Cassie stood up, walking to the sink to get a towel to wipe off her face. Amber got up, still bouncing Ellis in her arms.

"What happened." Amber asked. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I think I'm going to go downstairs and watch some tv." Cassie walked out of the bathroom, going back upstairs to her room to grab her mother's sweatshirt, putting it on before hobbling down the stairs and plopping down on the couch.

She wondered if her aunt was still awake. It was around 2 in the morning, and a lot of times, hospitals didn't provide fluid sleep. She wanted to call. But calling required talking.

So reruns of Friends it was.

...

Cassie inched her way through the hospital doors the next morning. She felt like a zombie. Okay, in retrospect, the girl hadn't slept a wink that night. She had gone from disbelief over her father to full out anxiety complete with stomach and head ache and an inability to keep any food in her stomach.

She meandered slowly to the room. She expected the whole doctor clan to be in the room but was surprised to find it empty. Entering, she found her aunt asleep in the bed. God, she looked even tinier than usual in that bed- wires, and tubes connected to all the machines. She looked peaceful.

Cassie collapsed into the chair next to the bed. She rubbed her eyes. She was so tired. And Mer was right there, breathing.

Okay, a 10-minute resting period couldn't hurt.

She didn't know how long she been sitting there with her eyes closed when a voice pulled her out of it. "Why do you look like crap? I'm the one who got attacked." Came her aunt.

Cassie opened her eyes and staring back at her was Meredith, alive. Cassie wanted to cry. "You're okay." She breathed, feeling the tension she always had in her shoulders drop just a tad.

"Answer my question. Why do you look like crap?"

"I didn't get that much sleep," Cassie muttered. Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I didn't get any sleep. I was worried. I thought you were dead."

Meredith shook her head. "I'm not dead. I'm not letting you off that easy. "

Cassie wanted to laugh. Instead, she just stared back. She fell silent, unable to say anything else.

Meredith patted the bed. "Come here."

Cassie furrowed her brow and sat down on the edge of the bed. She looked at Meredith expectantly. Meredith let out a breath, grabbing the girl's hand.

"When you're ready, we will talk and I will not cut you off." She opened her arms. "I'm going to hug you now." Cassie let Meredith wrap her arms around her. She fell in, trying hard to not crush her aunt with her weight. Meredith was so warm; Cassie felt her eyes flutter. She let out a yawn.

Meredith seemingly read her mind, as she moved over into one corner of the bed. "You need to sleep. So if that means you're snuggling up to me like a child, then..."

Cassie laughed that time. "Are you sure?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah."

Cassie swung her feet onto the bed, leaning back onto the pillow. She let out a deep breath. She turned her head to look at Meredith (still not processing what was going on). "I'm going to snuggle with you now."

Cassie moved to put her arm across Meredith's torso. Meredith thought about shaming her, but then again, she had invited her onto the bed. And the girl hadn't slept because of her. It was the least she could do.

So, she took Cassie's hand into her own and closed her eyes.

-

Chapter Text

A friend told me today that I sound "defeated" and "not okay". What do these terms mean? What does it mean to be not okay? What does it mean to be okay? "Okay" could mean that their heart just shattered into a million pieces and that they don't want to say anything because they know the other person won't care. "Okay" could mean that things aren't great, but they will get better. "Okay" could mean that they've been circling the drain so long that this has become their version of normal. Maybe they've accepted their defeat. Maybe they won't ever go where they want to go. Maybe they'll never escape the cycle. Maybe they'll never be happy. They accept being okay, whatever that means.

...

She didn't know how much time had passed when she opened her eyes again. The room was still vacant, meaning Alex had taken the kids home. She loved them, of course, she did, but three kids under the age of ten in a tiny hospital room with nothing to do was painful for all of them. She'd had plenty of visitors, but none compared. This one had changed her life.

Her phone lit up from where it sat on the table. It was probably her person, but she couldn't move, not really, without waking up Cassie. She slowly took her arm off of Cassie's and grabbed her phone.

"Hi." She greeted.

"How's it going?" He asked, as though he hadn't been there a few hours earlier.

"It's going. I have a high schooler cuddled up to me right now. She's pretty cute, I have to admit."

"How long has she been there? It's almost ten. You should probably wake her up."

Is it bad she didn't want to? The girl looked peaceful. She didn't want to take that away. The girl's phone sat on the chair she'd been sitting in. The little light in the corner flickered profusely.

Cassie woke up from her nap, blinking away her sleep. She turned her head to look up at her aunt. She had had her face shoved in the side of her aunt's shoulder. It was like that spot was made for her. She didn't want to move.

Then it hit her.

"Mer." She coughed, clearing her throat. "What time is it?"

She moved the phone away from her ear. Her talking had woken up her niece. "Almost ten. Alex can come to pick you up and take you home if you want." She croaked, her voice still sore.

"Yeah. Okay." Cassie agreed, smoothing herself out and standing up from the bed, almost as if she needed to remind herself that her aunt was not someone she could cuddle with. Her aunt noticed this almost immediately and furrowed her brow.

"Cassie." She started. "What is wrong?"

Cassie turned back around, but not before taking a deep breath. "Nothing is wrong. I just... have some stuff to do at home. Homework. I need to do it."

Meredith nodded, not buying it. Something was up.

"I am going to go wait downstairs." She called back as she started to walk away, not even turning around to acknowledge Meredith's goodbye.

...

Meredith immediately texted Alex to tell him that something was up with Cassie and that he should try to find out what it was. Alex shrugged at this text. Maybe it was the fact that she had found out about her father? Where was Mer? La-la land? She was the queen of Daddy issues.

That probably made him the freaking king.

Cassie ran up to the car, holding her head down to avoid getting it wet in the rain. She didn't say hello, didn't acknowledge him as she buckled her seatbelt and changed the radio station. Alex rolled his eyes before turning the radio back down. He hadn't taken the car out of park yet.

"What is up? Cut the crap. Is it about your dad?"

Cassie made a face as if to say 'yeah, dumbass', rolling her eyes back at him. She didn't want to talk. Not at all. She was not in the mood. She felt like shit, and she didn't think to talk about the shit would make it feel any less like shit.

This must be the definition of dark and twisty.

"Do you want to meet him?"

Six Words.

She didn't respond.

They drove in silence.

Alex handed her the keys to the car when they made it back to Meredith's house. "Don't say I never did anything for you." He laughed, getting out of the car. "And pick up some junk food on the way home! We're watching tv together when you get back!"

For the first time that day, Cassie smiled.

...

Cassie didn't understand why Alex thought her driving across Seattle was the move. It was on the other side of the city, and Cassie had a driving accident on her record already. She should have just taken the ferry. Her uncle had a thing for them.

She turned the car off, staring at the hospital in front of her. She hadn't thought this far into the plan. What was she going to say? Who was she going to ask? What would she ask?

Hi, I am here to find my father. He's a surgeon. I just learned about him yesterday. No, my mother doesn't know I am here. She's dead.

Her feet felt like lead as she made her way to through the underground parking entrance and climbed up the stairs to the main lobby. This place sucked in comparison to Grey Sloan, and not just because her name was on the latter.

One of the doctors looked at her, furrowing a brow. He walked over to her, looking mildly confused. Who was this guy? Maybe he knew her aunt... or one of her doctor family members.

"Are you lost?" He spoke with an accent. He was actually kind of cute, in that older guy but still a slightly attractive way. Like, she could ship him with Maggie. Or Meredith. Or Amelia. But she didn't know where Amelia was, so...

"Sorry Doctor..." she squinted to read his lab coat, "Riggs. I am, uh, looking for Dr. Harris."

Riggs tilted his head. "And why do you need to talk to him?"

Cassie really wanted to use a sarcastic comeback, but for all she knew he was probably best friends with her aunt. "A personal issue. Look, you don't have to help me. I can find him of my own accord. I am pretty intelligent."

"Wow. And I was just going to offer to help you! Follow me." He directed, and the young girl followed the random doctor who seemed way too nice through the hallways of the hospital. They didn't say much, he didn't even ask her name. Maybe he knew. Maybe she had the same eyebrows as her father or something and he just knew. Or, that this guy had slept around so much that he had managed to have a couple kids without his own knowledge.

At some point, Riggs put his phone to his ear. "Hey mate. Are you doing something right now? Just got out of surgery.... listen, I have a young lady here who wants to see you. Yes, she's very pretty. We're by the nurse's station on the third floor." He hung up. "How was that? Was it enough to win you over?"

Cassie just smirked at him in response. Were all doctors this... cocky? Do they all think they're god?

They stood in silence for a few more minutes until another doctor, this one tall, brunette, and slender walked up to them. He had his hands in his pockets and was clutching a scrub cap between his fingers. He furrowed his brows, looking at Riggs for some sort of explanation. Riggs was already walking away by this point, leaving the two of them standing in isolation.

"Hi, I'm Cassandra Grey." Cassie started.

The man just stared back at her. It clearly wasn't registering to him. He just saw Lexie. Sweet sweet...

"Lexie?" He asked.

"Her daughter.... your daughter." Cassie started, all her thoughts just leaving her brain. She couldn't speak.

"What? That's not..."

She saw the look in his eyes. It was the look she had seen in the eyes of countless foster parents for a long time in her life before she found Molly. Molly deserved more credit than she was given.

"She's dead. She died in a plane crash. I only just found her sister. I live with her here in Seattle. I just wanted to meet you. I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me."

He just stared back at her. He opened his mouth to respond when his pager went off. "I have to go." He muttered awkwardly before talking off down the hall.

Cassie sighed. Of course, he wanted nothing to do with her. She would expect nothing different. She sighed before taking off towards the elevator.

...

It wasn't that she was upset, per say. I mean, what did she expect? Him to hug her and for sunshine and rainbows? That was bullshit. That didn't happen in real life. That only happened in Hallmark movies.

She got several bags of chips and two big cartons of ice cream on her way home. She carried everything into the house, dumping it all on the kitchen counter. Maggie must have still been at the hospital. Where were her cousins? Amber?

"Zola! Alex!" She called.

And then came Amber into the kitchen. "Did you bring dinner? I'm starving. At her eyes meeting the ice cream cartons, she went to grab a spoon, not even getting a bowl. "Did you meet him?" She asked, shoving a spoon of chocolate in her face.

"Yeah. And he didn't want anything to do with me."

"Dads are jerks. Meredith's dad was a jerk, mine and Alex's was... welcome to the club! Well, I mean, I don't know if you considered yourself a part of the club before..."

"I just-" Cassie didn't know what took over her at that second. "I want to have something of my fucking own!" She let out a sob. "Why the fuck is the world so god damn against me?"

Alex walked in at that exact second. "Did he hurt you? What did he do to you?"

"Nothing. He just rejected her." Amber cut in before he did something stupid.

Cassie swallowed down her tears. "It's fine. It's okay. I just... I did what I had to do. I would have spent my life wondering about the son of a bitch and I just... it's good that I went and met him. Because now I know that I don't need him."

Alex let out a breath of angry steam. "I'm going to kill him."

"Alex." Cassie bit, now back to normal. "I am fine."

"You're not fine! Your aunt used to say the exact same thing! You are not fine! And it is okay to not be fine when people are being assholes!"

"Alex," Cassie said sternly, once again. "Trust me. Come to eat some ice cream with me." She held out the spoon, and Amber moved over to make space for him in the middle of the two of them.

Alex grumbled before taking a seat and a spoon. They sat in silence, shoving chocolate ice cream in their mouths by the spoonful.

"You deserve better, you know." He said a few minutes later. "Both of you."

The girls looked at each other before both responding, "we know."

...

Alex sat down on the couch after both of the girls went upstairs. He dialed Meredith. She was probably going to be pissed at him for encouraging her to go meet the dipface, but that was his own fault. He could handle her screaming at him.

"You're probably going to be pissed at me, but Cassie went to go meet her dad. And he was a complete bastard to her, so she's a bit dark and twisty right now."

He could tell Meredith was getting angry on the other end. "Why would you let her do that? Alex, she's just a kid. She's a kid who has gone through a lot of shit already. She didn't need to add this to her plate."

"You knew as well as I did that she was going to spend her whole life wondering about the guy until she eventually just had to go stalk him at a distance. At least now she can live her own life without having to wonder about him."

"She's going to spend her whole life thinking about how he rejected her."

"He didn't even know she existed until today! My dad and your dad did! They were shit. This guy deserves a little bit more credit."

Meredith took a deep breath on the other end. "I'm still mad at you," she concludes, although he knows that that means all is forgiven.

...

Meredith begged Webber to let her wear scrubs and not sit in the hospital room all day. She wanted something to do! She offered to do freaking paperwork! She just needed something, anything, to keep her busy. Her kids didn't want to come to visit her, and all her people were running around the hospital working. The only gossip she was getting was April and Jackson fighting outside her door... and that was weird.

So imagine her surprise when a tall man walked into her hospital room. She was sitting in a chair, wearing scrubs and reading a medical study, drinking her juice. She looked up at the guy with a raised eyebrow. Another attacker. Great.

"You're Lexie's sister. She talked about you."

"Well, she didn't talk about you," Meredith responded, sizing up the guy. It clicked almost instantly. She could see some of Cassie's definitive features in this guy's face. Why did it take her so long? She should have seen this coming.

"Cassandra came to see me." He started, almost a little nervous.

Meredith was not going to be nice to this guy. He had, after all, abandoned her baby sister for the army. "She did? She didn't tell me. I was told, however, that you were a jackass to her. So thanks."

"I think she was upset. You have to understand, I haven't thought of Lexie in... well, I was found almost two years after she died. And I was... it was hard for me. Because for all that time I spent being a prisoner of war, her face was the one image in my mind that stayed there. She was always smiling, always laughing. And I come back and she's gone. I didn't get to go to a funeral. Did you guys even have a funeral? And then I see all this stuff about how you sued a plane company and named the hospital after her. I didn't... I didn't process. I went on like it didn't affect me. So after all this time, to know that I had a daughter with a woman I loved, that I left... I didn't respond to her right away. Because what do you say to that?"

Meredith just looked at him. It was weird, in a way, he almost reminded her of Derek.

"You need to tell her this. And you have to understand that some of us have issues with our fathers. So we hesitate. Because more often than not, they really suck. You seem like a nice guy. But it's up to Cassie what she wants to do with you. If she wants to get to know you, then that's her decision. I am not going to be the thing that stands in her way. But I have to ask you, do you want to have a seventeen-year-old daughter? Because I have been playing aunt for all this time, and Cassie is... she's the sweetest kid I've ever met. Smart. Funny. She's just like Lexie. But she's hurt. Her mother abandoned her and then died under a plane. You weren't there. For the longest time, I wasn't there. And I... we didn't know. But to her, being abandoned is being abandoned. It doesn't matter how."

He nodded. "I haven't- I have been missing a lot. I just work. I don't..." He cleared his throat. "It felt like something was missing. Maybe it's her."

...

It was really bothering her.

She knew she shouldn't, that this was going to come back and haunt her. One of them would find out. Either Molly or Meredith. Maybe her mother would shame her from heaven, may she rest in freaking peace.

She banged on the door. A drunk, sad, pathetic excuse for a man opened the door.

"Why? Why did you let your daughter give me away like old clothes to Goodwill? Didn't I even matter to you?" She screamed at him. She really wanted to punch him. He was the reason she had to grow up alone. Without Mer, without her mother, without anyone. Why did he force her to be taken away? Was she worth so little to him at the time of her birth?

Thatcher was too drunk to respond.

"You are a sad piece of shit. You're so drunk that you're going to ruin that liver that Meredith gave you and then you're going to die a depressing death because you don't deserve any better. I hope you rot in hell."

It clicked in her just then, that maybe it wasn't her fault. Maybe everyone else was to blame. Her mother. Him. Meredith. Molly. Maybe they just didn't see how great she was.

... or maybe she was just not worth it. To any of them.

She shook her head. She needed to get out of there. She needed to clear her head.

...

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Please don't be mad. I just need to clear my head. I promise you, I'll come back.

I love you.

-Cassie

Chapter Text

So I wrote these while I was binging Private Practice, and while I know that a lot of greys fan hate on that show, I still wanted to include these chapters.

If you haven't seen private practice, it revolves around Addison and her friends running their private practice in LA. Charlotte (a sexologist), Cooper (pediatrician), Violet (psychiatry), and others. Look it up. Give it a watch.

As we get older, our perspectives of the world around us grow old with us. Things that seemed nice no longer do. People you used to admire you see in their true colors. The question is: who is changing? Is it the people that no longer look at you with their proud eyes, or is it you looking back at them in distrust? Which one is the one to blame for the lack of communication? 

...

Meredith didn't know how to respond to that crumpled piece of paper. She should have seen this coming. She was supposed to know the girl better than she knew herself.

Did she freak out? Did she call the police? Or did she trust her kid?

Ugh.

*24 Hours Earlier*

Cassie was concerned. She had been helping her aunt get better, which proved to be easy considering she had a whole village of humans who wanted to help her. So she wasn't concerned about Meredith. No, she was concerned about Amber. And she was concerned about Amelia.

Well, that was the best thing she could think of. Amelia had to be somewhere that wasn't here, so hopefully, that meant escaping from here for a couple of days. And Amber didn't look too great either. She knew that the girl was terrified about this child protective services crap. She was afraid that they were going to rip her away from Alex, which made perfect sense.

Amy had dropped off the face of the earth. The logical piece of Cassie's brain- the one that held all of the information and made the rational decisions- told her that Amelia was not rash enough to do something that would endanger her own life. The other piece- the one she most obviously shared with Meredith- told her that she was dead in a ditch somewhere because the Greys were cursed and indirectly killed everything they touched.

So, that was where Cassie's thoughts laid on that Sunday night, as she laid on top of her bed, staring at her ceiling. Her ceiling and she had become close friends.

And now, Amy disappeared.

"I'm sorry, Amy?" Amber asked. "Is she another doctor? Aunt? Family member?"

"She's the sister of Meredith's dead husband. She was the first person I bonded with when I got here. But her and Meredith have a rocky relationship, and Amelia fell off the wagon, a 4-year sobriety wagon. And now I don't know where she is. And no one else seems to care. I need to get out of here."

Amber sat back against the headboard of the bed, still clutching her hot chocolate. "Hm. So I'm going to be cursed by association? I think I was already cursed before I met you."

Cassie hit her in the arm. "This isn't funny. I don't want Amy to die. She's my family. She's Maggie's family. And she's Meredith's family too."

"Did you try calling her?" Amber asked, stating the obvious. Cassie went red. She had called, of course, that first day. But that was months ago. She hadn't thought she could have gotten a different answer.

Cassie picked up her phone from the bedside table. Amber furrowed her brows.

"It's like eleven at night! Can't you call tomorrow?" The youngest Grey let that sit in her brain for a moment. What were the chances of her even getting an answer? This plan needed to be semi-thought out for it to actually succeed. She could survive one more night here. She put her phone back down. "Fine." She muttered to Amber. "I'll call tomorrow."

...

And she did call tomorrow. After she and Amber were dropped off at school, Cassie ran off to the bathroom, waiting for it to be desolate. It was then she dialed Amy's number with her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

"Hello?" Came the response from the other party. But it wasn't Amy.

"Um, hi. This is my- Amy's phone number right?" Cassie asked, mentally slapping herself. She hoped it wasn't a murderer on the other side of the line.

"Wow, I haven't heard anyone call her Amy in a really long time. She scolded me last time I wanted to do it."

"Um... who are you?" Cassie asked, feeling more and more uncomfortable with this.

"I'm Dr. Montegomery. I'm... I know Amy."

"That's great. Where is she?"

"Who are you, again? I don't know a Cassie. Are you a doctor at Grey-Sloan?"

"Yes," Cassie answered. Oh shoot, was that a lie? She did do rounds at Grey-Sloan, and she knew a crap ton of doctors...

"Well, Amy here is on a leave, so she can't really do much on a consult."

Wait. Dr. Montegomery. That name rang a bell. She had read it somewhere. She just needed her brain to click it.

"You're Derek's first wife." She realized out loud.

"Okay, now I'm slightly creeped out."

"I'm Meredith's niece. I live with her and Amy. That's the truth. I'm concerned about her. So, please, let me talk to her."

"She's in rehab." Addison bit. Meredith had a niece? She vaguely remembered Meredith's sisters- one was pregnant, and one had a juice box.

"Where exactly are you?"

"LA. Amelia lived here for a while. She came back." Addison was getting slightly uncomfortable. Lucky for her, Henry screamed for her at that very moment.

"Listen, I'll give you my personal number. If you need anything or want to talk about Amy, I can try to help." Addison rambled off a phone number before hanging up. Cassie went to class, not sure what she had just done. She felt like she had gone into someone else's business. But, all she had done was try to talk to Amelia and find out what had happened. Was that a bad thing?

"So?" Amber asked on their bus to Grey-Sloan. "Did you talk to her?"

"No. I talked to some lady named Addison. She was Meredith's husband's first wife." Cassie replied, still confused about the whole thing.

"Maybe Alex knows her." Amber proposed. "Better to ask him than Meredith." She chuckled. "All of these doctors are freaking connected."

Cassie nodded. "Sure."

So, after rounds with Dr. Edwards, Drs Grey and Karev went up to the pediatric floor in hopes of finding the other Dr. Karev, hoping he wasn't in surgery. Instead, though, they ran into Dr. Robbins, the neonatal goddess of Seattle, or so they had been told.

"Hey! Dr. Robbins!" Amber called. Because Alex and Arizona were friends, Alex had taken the time to introduce them. Amber liked her, except the obnoxious perkiness that she couldn't seem to get rid of.

"Amber! Hi!" The blonde chirped her smile as always radiant. Cassie chuckled at the flashback of her getting drunk over Penny.

"Have you seen Alex lately? We need to talk to him..." Cassie cut in.

"He should be around... is everything alright?" Arizona asked, feeling slightly concerned at the sight of the two girls.

"Yes. We just need to ask him about something. It's nothing serious." Cassie answered, feeling the need to cover up from Arizona. There wasn't anything to cover anyways. It was just an innocent question.

"Amber. Cassie. Are you guys okay?" Alex walked up to them. Arizona walked away, and Alex raised an eyebrow.

"Did you know Addison?" Amber asked, not afraid to ask.

Alex looked confused. "Yeah. What's it to you?"

"Is she nice?"

"Well, yeah. She worked here for a bit, while we were still interns, and we-" his face turned red.

"Of course you slept with her!" Amber rolled her eyes. Cassie needed more information though.

"Okay. Where did she go after here?"

"LA. She runs a private practice. Where did you even hear about Addison? She hasn't been here in a while."

"Doing some more research. She's like, a neonatal queen." Cassie fibbed, hoping her actual admiration of the surgeon showed more than her attempts to lie.

"I'm friends with her. I see pics of her kid all the time." He shot a look at Amber. "We became friends after the sex. I'm actually a nice guy, who knew? I have rounds to do. Go be sub-interns." He walked off.

Amber turned to Cassie, the evil in smirk evident. "You know what this means, don't you?"

Cassie blinked. "What what means?"

"We get to go to LA. We can go find out what Amy's up to, go to some bars, meet some guys. Play stupid for a few hours. I know you want to get out of here."

Cassie narrowed her eyebrows. "Did you get hit by a bus? And I mean that jokingly since one of my aunt's friends died that way. We can't go to LA! We're not legal! Where would we get the money? Plane tickets? What would tell Meredith and Alex? What if this messes with our adoption paperwork." She let out a breath. "What if we get arrested?"

Amber let out a laugh. A big, wow-you're-lame-I-can't-believe-I'm-friends-with-you laugh. "Cassie, you're being ridiculous. I know what I'm doing, I've done it before. Also, I know you well enough to know that you want to get out of here but you're afraid of getting in trouble. You can't get into trouble because you're a minor. And you're a minor who needs to forget a boatload of shit. So let's go."

"Yeah! Because you never had parents! Most teens don't go run away to LA!"

"Okay. I get that that is supposed to be a low blow, but it's true. But I still know what I'm doing."

"And what happens when Meredith and Alex find out and lose their trust in us?"

"Honestly, what have we got to lose? You go back to Tahiti for a few months and I go into foster care. We only live once. We only have the chance to get to do this. Cass, you've always played it safe, and that's what I admire most about you. You're a rule follower. But maybe, maybe this once, you need to break the rules."

Cassie growled. "Fine." Although secretly, this was exactly what she had in mind.

...

"So you're both going to this girl's house after school and staying there all night and going to school with them in the morning?" Meredith asked, her eyes darting between the two girls. Her eyes rested on Cassie, knowing she wouldn't lie, especially not to Meredith.

"We have a big project that we need to get done for history. The more time we have, the better." Amber continued, not breaking eye contact.

"Cassie?" Meredith raised her eyebrows in the don't-you-dare-lie-to-me way. Cassie took a deep breath and made eye contact with her aunt.

"It's going to be a long night. We're going to go places we've never gone. We're going to rewrite history. It's going to be life-changing."

Meredith let out a deep breath. "Alex shouldn't have a problem with it. Sounds important. I am okay with it as long as you call me."

Cassie nodded. "Of course, Mer."

Meredith nodded. "I never thought I would have two teenage girls so early on in addition to three little kids." She motioned for them to sit down next to her, and they obliged, one on each side of the hospital chair.

"It's a good thing, I hope," Cassie mumbled, peeking at her aunt from her focus on the floor.

Meredith chuckled. "Of course it is, little little Grey." At this, Amber subconsciously shrunk back. Of course, Meredith didn't really think she was a good thing. Why would she? She wasn't Meredith's dead sister's mystery child.

"Hey, Amber. You're a good thing too." Meredith added as if she could read the girl's thoughts. "I know you're a little dark and twisty too, and that's okay because we all are, so I know you're going to tell yourself otherwise. You're a good thing. Alex is lucky you're here. I am too."

Amber looked at Meredith with a sad smile. Meredith then did a very unMeredith thing, and wrapped her arms around them, or at least as much as she could with the casts.

"Do you guys wanna order pizza? I don't know when Maggie and Alex are going to be home."

The girls both nodded. Cassie handed her the phone and the menu. The girls got paper plates and placed them in front of Meredith before going outside to one of the on-call rooms.

Cassie was first to throw herself down on the bed. "How do you not feel bad after that? She gave you the whole you're my child too speech."

Amber plopped down on the spinny desk chair. "It felt really nice. I know it was fake, but it felt really nice."

"I don't think it was fake. I'm not her kid any more than you are."

Amber snorted. "You have her blood and her last name."

Cassie let out a laugh. "Are we really arguing about this?"

Amber smirked. "Can't say I've ever argued over a mommy before."

Cassie nodded. "Neither can I. Never wanted the attention. Then again, we're arguing over who has less. So..."

"Stop overthinking this, Grey," Amber growled. "This family is way too touchy-feely."

"But we're not!"

"Okay, anyways... tonight when Alex gets home, I'll get his credit card." Amber declared. "Then we'll get our plane tickets."

Cassie snorted. "Did you think that through? He'll see the transaction on his card!"

"Well, do you have any better suggestions? A money stash?"

Cassie let out another deep breath. "Actually, yes. My dead mother left me money." 

"So your mom's accounts are still open? Aren't they, like, part of her estate?"

"She left them to me. I'm not exactly sure how, but I'm the only one with access to these accounts. This is what we use to go."

...

Once they got home, she went up to the attic and opened the closet, pulling out the box of her mother's things. She pulled out the envelope with the checkbook and passwords. Amber sat down on the bed, opened up Cassie's laptop, pulling up the flight booker, and getting them two tickets for the following morning.

"So we call the attendance hotline and call us out of everything after Med?" Cassie asked. Amber nodded in response.

"The day after too. They won't cut call if we're excused."

"How do you know this stuff?" Cassie asked the younger girl. She smiled.

"I get around."

The following morning, the two of them got out of the car with their duffle bags. They waved goodbye to their guardians and walked into the building.

They went to the hospital to do rounds with Edwards. The two of them followed the resident around for an hour, letting her tell them all about her surgery that afternoon. And she stopped to see her aunt, leaving a note on the table inside of the book she was reading when she wasn't looking. She had hugged her aunt a little bit harder than usual because she did feel bad.

"Cass." She called after the girl had hugged her.

"What, Mer?"

"I just... we have to talk about some stuff."

Cassie blinked. She was so bad at lying. "Yeah, of course. I'm just really stressed about this project. I promise you we will talk about it as soon as we finish it."

"Yeah. I just... I think we need to talk about some stuff... as soon as possible if you're up to it. I know this father nonsense has been hard on you."

She chose to ignore that last statement because then she would never leave. And she needed to leave. For a few days. A change of scenery. She needed a new perspective. There was something inside her that told her that Meredith would understand, that she wouldn't be too mad. She knew mad and her aunt would be mad, but not that mad.

"I love you," she said to her aunt, before walking out.

...

They took an Uber to the airport. He seemed to question why there were two teenage girls with duffle bags going to an airport, but he said nothing. 

And then they got on the plane.

And it crashed in the middle of the woods, and Cassie was underneath it and she died under there.

Haha, just kidding. She's fine.

Okay, I just had to add that last part. I'm crying. She's fine, I promise you. No plane crashes. You're probably hating me for what I chose to do with the next few chapters.

Chapter Text

Can you tell Violet is my fave character? A totally underappreciated character. And Amber needs a female figure in her life, and I wanted it to be someone outside the box. I think the two of them could relate. For those of you who hate me for incorporating pp, it will end after 2 more chapters.

I don't know what I believe in. Some people waltz through life knowing who they are and what they stand for. some people spend their whole lives trying to find what they believe in because they just don't see it in color in front of them like their friends might. What do I believe? I believe in striving for a happiness, in flowers blooming, in babies crying, in children laughing and playing. I believe in my family, in my friends, in the people who have influenced me to be a better person. They are the people I give my faith to. I believe in them. I believe that they will come for me when I need them. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If something bad happens, it is to see who will step up to support me. It is so I will learn from my mistakes and get a little closer to my so-called happiness.  

"Alex." Meredith hissed the next time he came into her hospital room, which was literally two minutes after she called him screaming about a letter, but gave no detail. "Cassie is gone. And I think Amber is with her."

"What the hell," was all he mumbled in response. "You think they're gone, like, ran away?"

She handed him the note. He read it, raising his eyebrows. "She's probably just in shock from all the dad crap. Can't say that I blame her."

"So what do we do? Do we freak out? Do we call the cops? What if this messes with their adoptions? I don't think CPS will look kindly to them disappearing."

His brain clicked, and it almost seemed too easy. "They're going to see Addison."

Meredith looked at him like he had lost his marbles. "Addison? Why would they go see Addison?"

"They asked me about her yesterday. It didn't make sense, but now... I don't know why they would think that Addison would let them stay with her..."

"Amelia." They both exclaimed in realization. It seemed too easy.

"I'll go call her," Alex said, darting off.

...

Cassie and Amber got off the plane and stepped out into the Los Angeles sun. Cassie, for one, felt free. She felt like she was free to be her own person and make her own decisions. She knew how bad it was going to backfire, but she didn't care.

Amber, on the other hand, had never been in a place that wasn't run down Iowa. She couldn't describe how beautiful the sight of palm trees and the different views around her felt to her. She had made it out of Iowa.

"So, where to first?" Amber asked.

Cassie bit her lip. She knew she should go see Addison, but with going to see Addison came getting a call made back to Seattle. She didn't think she could trust Addison to not make that call. "Shopping?" She held up her mother's credit card.

"Is that a bribe?" Amber asked, pushing forward. The two of them pushed forward down the street, their duffles in tow.

"Maybe we should get an Uber." Amber offered, once they realized that the shopping district was a far walk.

"Good idea." Cassie marveled, pulling out her phone.

Thirty minutes later, they were in the district. Three hours after that, they had gone to eight stores and spent a crap ton of money, buying a crap ton of clothes.

"Is there a limit on how much money you spend? Will it lock in fraud protection, you know, cause it has been inactive for so long?" Amber asked, taking a bite out of her pretzel.

Cassie shrugged. "I know how much I have, and we could never run out, but I don't know if it'll lock on me. Cause that would be bad."

"I have an idea!" Amber sat up. "we'll go to the practice, and you can get a checkup down there. Isn't that what Addison does? Makes sure the equipment is working?"

Cassie bit her lip. "Well yeah, but..."

"It's not like she'll recognize you. She never knew your mom, right?"

"Not that I know of. She left before my mom was an intern. But what does that prove? She won't know who we are. I don't think so, anyway."

"Exactly. So you can snoop around." Amber reasoned like that was a logical decision.

"Your logic makes no sense!" Cassie argued. "None of this makes any sense!"

Amber sat back on her chair, crossing her arms defensively. "Well, I came up with how to get here. That was the important part. We don't have to go see Addison. Amy might not even be there. You said Addison said she was in rehab."

Cassie found herself and Amber in front of the Seaside Wellness building. Amber let out a deep breath. "This could ruin the whole trip."

Cassie nodded in response. "It could. But what else are we going to do?"

So they went up.

Cassie wasn't really sure what to expect. She mumbled to the secretary about needing to talk to Dr. Montegomery and sat in the waiting room with Amber and their duffles.

A few minutes later, Cassie's eyes, that had been burning into the ground, were met with a very cute pair of heels. She looked up nervously. There stood Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery. She was pretty. She was very pretty. How was Derek married to her? McDreamy was married to a McGorgeous! Then he married... McMeredith?

Cassie stood up. Amber looked at her with slight concern. She wasn't sure what had happened, but somehow she was left with the duffles as Addison and Cassie walked off.

Amber let out a breath. She observed the lady with the southern argument arguing with a guy who looked like an overgrown kid, the two black people walking around like they owned the place, and another lady and man who looked like shrinks. They looked like the shrinks Amber had to deal with when she was in foster care.

Wait a minute. Why was the shrink lady walking up to her? "Is someone helping you?" She asked, looking down at the teenager.

Amber let out her best fake smile. "I'm waiting on my friend. She's with Doctor Montgomery."

The shrink lady smiled. "I'm Doctor Turner. Dr. Montegomery told me to keep you company. Would you like to come back with me to my office?" She held out an arm as if extending her welcome into the other side of the practice. 

Amber didn't know how she ended up in the shrink's office. She would have preferred the overgrown child, at least he had toys in his office and wouldn't ask too many questions and talk too much. She had dealt with shrinks before, and she had decided she wasn't going to do it again. Did all of the doctors in the practice know who she was?

Amber dumped the two duffles onto the ground before sitting on the couch where the shrink probably answered too many answers with too many questions. "So what brings you to LA?" The psychiatrist asked.

"Just a little mini-vacation with my sister." Had she just referred to Cassie as her sister? Is that what they were doing now?

"Don't you have school?" She continued.

"We do, but we missed a couple of days. Just today after medical class and tomorrow."

"Medical class? Aren't you in high school?"

"Cassie's got surgical royalty in her family, and her family generation hospital that has her name on it started letting high schoolers do rounds with residents."

"Do you want to be a doctor too?" She asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. My brother's a pediatric surgeon. He trained under Addison."

"So tell me about yourself. Where did you grow up?"

"Iowa." She answered curtly. Why was she getting interrogated? Why her?

"And you're in Seattle because?"

"I went to go live with my brother." She bit her lip.

"Where are your parents?"

"How should I know?"

"That must be hard."

"What must be hard?" She countered with a question, satisfied she had shrunk the shrink.

"Being in and out of foster homes. It does its toll on kids. I'll bet you didn't get the nice ones."

"I didn't. I bet you have me all figured out now, huh." 

Violet sat back on her chair. She made a face the teenager didn't quite understand. She let out a breath. "I didn't mean to go all shrink on you. That wasn't my intention. I'm Violet."

"That sounded a bit shrinky if you don't mind me saying, Violet." Amber chuckled, suddenly feeling comfortable with this lady. Her hair was curly, reaching her shoulders. She hadn't laughed yet, but Amber could tell when she laughed, you could see how pretty she really was when she wasn't wearing a shrink face.

"So..." Amber didn't know what to say. She felt like she should tell the shrink everything. The things that weighed her down could be someone else's problem. That seemed like a great idea. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. There were things she couldn't talk about. "If I were to tell you some stuff, would you have to tell all of your doctor friends? Would you laugh about it over your morning coffee?"

Violet's lips pursed. "You can tell me anything. That's what shrinks do, isn't it? They listen. They answer questions with questions. So tell me."

...

Addison pulled the girl into her office, motioned to the chair across from her desk, and then sat down in her chair. She leaned forward, putting her hands on to the desk. "Cassie, coming to LA on a hunch was a dumb decision. You're sixteen years old!"

Wait. What?

"I talked to Meredith yesterday, and I talked to Alex. You think they couldn't figure out the sleepover trick? I knew you were coming before you even got on the plane. I don't know why you want to see me though. I'm not much help on the subject." Addison continued. 

"Wait. Alex and Meredith knew Amelia was here?" Cassie asked, trying to fit the pieces together.

"I think so. It's not really my concern whether or not they knew."

"But they let us lie to them and come here? Why?"

"Cause they were young once, Cassie. They both snuck off. Besides, they knew you were coming here to me. Again, I don't understand."

Cassie was confused. She was really confused. The adults had known what they were doing, but then let them do it anyway. "I thought Amelia was dead. No one talks about her. She's never mentioned. It's like she disappeared off the face of the earth. I don't want her to be another death that I caused." She didn't mention the father nonsense because she was hoping Alex and her weren't that buddy-buddy. Or Meredith, for that matter. Maybe they were Facebook friends now.

Addison looked concerned. "Why would you be responsible for Amy's death? She's not dying, but if she was, I still don't see what that has to do with you."

"The Greys are cursed. Lexie died. Mark died. Derek died-"

"You weren't even in the picture when that happened! How can you blame yourself?" Addison asked, her voice rising. She loved kids, she worked with kids, but kids that doubted themselves, blamed themselves for things that weren't in their control, those hit her the hardest.

"Addison... I read about you. I know you cheated on Derek for Mark, I know that you've never had any hardship in your life, at least money wise. I don't think you can understand me or what I've gone through."

"So help me understand," Addison responded, sitting back in her chair.

"Look, I really just want to know that Amelia is okay. Is that too much to ask?"

Addison pursed her lips. "She's in rehab. I flew to Seattle to get her once Richard called me."

"Why would Webber call you?"

"I'm Amelia's sister. I have been since she was young. I was married to her brother. I spent a lot of time with her. I talked to her when she needed someone to talk to. She doesn't have family in Seattle anymore. Derek is dead. Mark is dead. Owen Hunt... I don't even know. This practice is Amelia's family. If that environment is toxic to Amelia and her keeping her sobriety, then she should stay here."

"What are you saying? Meredith and Maggie and Alex and me are all her family too..."

"Meredith is the reason she fell off the wagon. You're the reason she couldn't stay."

"Me? Why me?" Cassie couldn't help but ask. She didn't think she played a part in Amelia's decisions or Amelia's story.

"Cause she cares what you think, Cassie. She cares about you. She didn't want you to see her when she was high or drunk cause she....honestly..." Addison met her eyes, and there was a tint of sadness there. "People under the influence say things they don't mean to the people they love."

Cassie felt guilty. She was the reason Amelia had fled so that Cassie wouldn't see her in the state of drunkenness. It must have been really bad the last time around if Addison was willing to admit it.

That thing in there? That used to be Amelia Shepherd. That used to be someone I loved. And I want her back. We were sisters; we were closer than sisters.

...

"I don't even know what has come over me. I don't even know you, and yet something in me is telling me to just trust you and let everything I've felt over the last sixteen years out. This has got to be some psychological thing..." Amber chuckled. "You're the shrink, help me out here."

Violet looked at her. "Maybe it's the fact that I don't know anyone of your doctor family friends. I don't know you. The only things I know are what you tell me. And unless you're telling me something that causes concern, I am never going to tell another soul whatever you say to me. Maybe it's the shrinking magic." She chuckled.

"Um, I went into the foster system with my two older brothers. My dad left when I was little, and my mom was a committed schizophrenic. My brother Alex, the pediatric surgeon, took care of all of us until he didn't anymore. I went to go see him to tell him that I was mad. I was mad because he had left me there. But I got there and I met Cassie, and I wasn't mad at him anymore."

"That's good," Violet cut in. "Getting over your anger was a good thing. You learned something there, didn't you? That he didn't leave you for the reasons you had thought."

"He left to make himself a better life. I know he used to feel guilty for leaving me, but he deserved better."

"Well, you deserve better too, don't you?"

That one caused Amber to freeze in her tracks. She had been called so many things. Whore. Slut. Worthless. She had been called those things by men who found joy in molesting, no, in raping, a little girl. Their opinions shouldn't have mattered. But Amber knew that they were right. That was part of who she was. And it always would be.

Noticing the look of concern coming from the shrink, Amber nodded, perhaps a little too eagerly. Violet raised an eyebrow at her.

"Were you ever-"

"No!" Amber quickly responded. Too quickly. She had trained to deny that fact. The fact was she had been so young at the time. It was the earliest thing she remembered, other than the day Alex had left her. She had tried to block it from her memory, if she didn't talk about it, then it never happened. She looked away from Violet, trying not to meet her eyes.

"No lying to the shrink! There's some bad juju connected with that." Violet laughed jokingly. She didn't realize that tears have begun making their way down Amber's face until she was completely sobbing and shaking. Violet's face turned to one of concern and she quickly moved to sit next to the girl. She wanted to hug her, to tell her that it was all going to be okay, but she wasn't sure if she had the right. Amber was not a patient, and she was just a child. There were boundaries, of course, but was this really crossing them?

She slowly maneuvered one arm around the teen, and to her surprise, Amber didn't fight. She just melted into the embrace.

...

Chapter Text

This is the last pre-written chapter I have! Expect me to fall off the face of the earth. And we're going back to Seattle. I promise. Drop a comment.

I see others. The ones who have lost people. There's a certain sadness in their eyes. I couldn't see it, but others do. It's the kind of sadness that doesn't go away, no matter how many days, weeks, months, years go by. Sometimes they smile but sometimes isn't all the time. They may forget, but they never forget. It hit me one day when I was thinking about one of my other friends, one that I know is hiding behind the 'everything is fine' facade. And I thought: she's certainly a piece of work... a piece of art.

We are all pieces of art. And we're all broken. Some of us more than others. Some of us find something numbing that take away the pain, while others have found something that makes us truly happy. And it is most definitely okay to be broken. The most unique, most colorful pieces of art, sculptures, paintings, have the deepest history. And, more often than not, the ones that have been struggling, that haven't had it easy, are the most beautiful. And sometimes you can't see it instantly. You have to look really hard to find it. But once you see it, once you lay sight upon it, you can't look away. It stays with you. They stay with you. Their stories. Their colors. You see the painting, and it inspires you. To be a better person. To be passionate. To live gratefully.

"But she's in rehab now, right? So she's in a safe environment." Cassie cut in, breaking the silence.

"That's not the point, Cassie." Addison rubbed her temples.

"Then what is the point?"

"The point is that we want Amelia to stay here. Here she is loved. We're her family. And I know you're her family too because you came all the way put here to check on her. You're a good person. You're her family, which is why we are opening this practice to you. You can come here whenever you want to, albeit missing too much school. But from what I understand, you don't really need school."

Cassie shook her head. She decided in that moment that she needed some air. She felt a little like Addison was breathing down her neck. "I'm waiting on a good internship. I have the med academy thing at Grey Sloan, which is amazing, but I feel like I need something else. I need to check on Amber."

She stood up from the chair, walking out into the hallway of the practice. Violet Turner's office contained a lady, presumably Violet Turner, and Amber, who looked... sad? They were sitting next to each other, and Violet was grasping Amber's hand in her own. Were they having a moment?

Cassie stepped in. "Can I interrupt?"

Amber turned around to see her 'sister' standing in the doorway. She wiped a stray tear from her eye, jumping up from the couch.

"If you want to stay, we can stay..." Cassie lingered. "I just wanted to see what you were up to."

Amber surprised both of them when she turned around to face the shrink once again. "Can we do lunch or dinner or something to talk more?"

Violet nodded with a smile on her face. Cassie was confused. Tough guy Amber had cried to the shrink? Something had to be wrong. She figured Amber would tell her when she felt ready.

It was later when the girls were getting settled in at Addison's (per Addison forcing them to by threatening to call Seattle right then and there) that Amber finally chose to bring it up.

"I've never had a mom before. God, I built myself up. Cassie, I'm the stereotype orphan kid. I did drugs, I drank, I didn't care about anything. I had accepted that that was all I was going to be because I didn't have the opportunities to get out of there and be anything more. I came to see my brother because I wanted to punch him in the face. He left me in Iowa. But then I met you and all of the sudden I didn't have it in me anymore to punch him in the face. I saw how he was with you and Meredith. He became a family man. Well, he was my family man before he was yours. He seemed to forget about me and my brother back in Iowa. You made me want a family. I was learning to live without one! And then I end up in a room with a shrink and I just start crying for no apparent reason!"

Cassie looked back at her. "Okay. So... what is your conclusion on the subject?"

"I think I'm getting attached to the shrink."

"Wait. What?"

"Like, I don't know. There's probably some psychological fault in me from never having parents or whatever, and she's suddenly all nice to me and shit."

"Why not Meredith?"

"Cause you're Meredith's kid!"

"I am not!"

"I can't go back to the practice with you. Otherwise, there will be more crying and more hugging. She's a shrink; she knows what this is! There's a technical name for what I'm feeling! That means I'm a psycho nut job!" Amber took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down and stop showing so much emotion. "I'm going to go sit by the water for a while." She walked out of the room, leaving Cassie standing by the bed.

Pulling out her phone, she realized it wouldn't be a bad thing to do what she was about to do.

"Hey Mer." She said into the phone. "I know you're probably all mad that we lied, and I knew that was going to happen before I did it, but I was really concerned about Amelia. She's family too. And I know you might not want to deal with me after this, so.."

"Cassie," Meredith warned into the phone, alerting to the fact that she had picked up. "You sound like a soap opera. You know as well as I do that we have enough soap opera in our lives without doing this right now. I love you, kid. I knew you were going to LA. I was a teenager once. I don't think I would have gone for a family member as you did, but you're a better human than I am. You know how to be part of a family. And yes, you lying is probably something I should ground you for, but I know you knew the consequences going into it and were probably feeling guilty for the whole trip, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you. I guess I'll have to figure it out while you're in LA. I know you feel awful after this whole father nonsense, which is why I wanted you to talk about it with me. You can't run away from your problems, Cassie."

Cassie furrowed her brows. "We're coming back tomorrow."

"No, you're not. I talked to Addison. She likes you and said she would keep you through the weekend. Go see Amelia. Go to the beach. Do whatever else it is people do in Los Angeles. I know you're hurting because of this stuff with your dad. I get it, Cass. I get you. I will always get you."

"I don't even know Addison... isn't that, like, imposing? And aren't you and Addison supposed to hate each other because you stole her husband?"

"That's not what happened. Alex and I both have our histories with Addison, but we trust her with you. Addison is a good person. We also trust you to be smart." Meredith was about to continue when Cassie heard Alex screaming in the background. Meredith responded with something that sounded like an "I will." and she put her ear back to the phone.

"Alex wants to talk to Amber."

"Um, she's not here. She's sitting by the water. You know, Addison lives on a beach."

"I'll tell him." More screaming. "Tell her Alex says hi and not to do anything stupid, or whatever. Those were his exact words."

"Okay, Mer."

Silence.

There was something else Cassie wanted to say, she really wanted to say it, but...

"Talk to you later, Cassie. I gotta go." Meredith hung up before Cassie could say anything else. She lowered the phone from her ear, throwing it onto the bed. She decided on seeing if she could see Amber's figure from the window. She couldn't. She clomped down the stairs and onto the patio, wrapping a blanket she stole from Addison's couch around herself.

She found her sister sitting with her legs crisscrossed right next to where the waves were inching up on the shores. She looked calm. She looked peaceful.

"Amber." Cassie greeted, sitting next to her. Amber opened her eyes, not taking her eyes off of the water. "Do you want to talk about this?"

Amber let out another breath. She seemed to be meditating, or at least trying to. "No, Cass. It's not a thing. I was freaking out over nothing. It's not like I'll ever see her again after today."

"You don't know that, Amber. We might come back. Also, running away from this isn't good for your mental health. I don't want you to go down a hole. I know your life wasn't great, by all means, I was lucky, and I think it's okay to feel the aftershocks of that."

Amber turned to Cassie, the look on her face solemn. "You can't try to fathom this."

"Yes, I can..." Cassie frowned. "My mother is dead. So I think that I can get the empty feeling you sometimes I feel. I feel it too."

"But you still have both of your aunts and your whole extended doctor family now. I have no one. You think Alex is going to be able to keep me with him? The court's not going to like the eight of us living in Meredith's house. The adults are outnumbered."

"Well, you are not going back into the foster system! If you can't stay with us, someone will take you in. Everyone in Seattle loves Alex... and they're all rich doctors. They won't let you go without a fight."

"Yeah sure. Who's gonna take me in? Violet?" She snorted.

"Maybe you're reading too much into this. Maybe she likes you. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to get to know her. She worked with Amelia. Maybe we meet the people that we meet in our lives for a bigger reason, and we just don't know it at the time. You're not her patient. There isn't anything wrong with this."

"We're probably so overthinking this whole thing." Amber mused.

Cassie chuckled in response. "I love it when I'm right."

They both jumped at the sound of Addison clearing her throat, standing behind them. Amber's face turned a bright red.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough." Addison chuckled, walking away. "I was just going to tell you that I'm locking the doors in case you want to, you know, come inside." Both of the girls stood up, following the redhead. It was then they saw a man sitting on the couch. Did Addison have a guy?

"This is my husband Jake. He wanted to meet you guys."

"Hi." The girls both muttered. Addison walked away to go get some wine for her and her husband, and Amber couldn't help but follow.

"Addison... how much did you hear?" She whispered once they were standing in the kitchen. "I really need to know."

Addison turned to face the young adult, and it suddenly struck her how much she looked like Alex. She acted a bit like him too, except she seemed to have developed attachment issues. Alex was the opposite. He wanted commitment. He was almost married to the resident after Stevens left him, or so she had been told by Amelia.

"Amber... there is nothing wrong with what you said. It's not an issue. You're blowing out of proportion. If you were a patient, sure, I could see why you would be concerned, but you're not."

"You can't tell her. I know you and she are practice buddies, but..."

"I think I know what you need. Follow me." Addison, still with two wine glasses in her hand, walked over into the living room. She put the wine on the table in front of Jake and turned to a bookshelf. She scanned the titles before pulling out two books. Upon seeing them, she saw that they were both by one Violet Turner.

She looked up at Addison hesitantly. Addison looked back at her.

"I think you should read them. Get to know her story a little better." Amber scanned the front covers of both. One was called Beautiful Scars and the other Private Practice. Opening to the inside cover, she saw that they had been signed.

To my favorite member of our private practice, thank you for joining our family and making us what we are today. Thanks for being my best friend.

- Vi

"Are you sure? These seem personal." Amber started, looking up.

"They are. That's why you need to read them."

Amber nodded, walking away with the two books in her hands.

...

The next day, Addison and Jake took the girls with them to the practice. Addison promised to take Cassie to see Amelia and told Amber she could sit in the office all day and read and that she didn't have to talk to anyone she didn't want to, but that it might be beneficial. Jake went to go see patients, and Addie and Cassie left right away.

Addison got a little anxious at being back at the rehab center. Charlotte had been the one to take Amelia because Addison had gotten called into emergency surgery. She didn't think that after the last time, she would have to ever come here again.

She knew it was questionable bringing Cassie there, but she felt that it was necessary, given that Cassie had made the effort to take a plane down to California. If Amelia said no, then Addison would jump in to take Cassie out of there before things turned into more of a soap opera then they already were.

"I'll go talk to her first." Addison officiated, leaving Cassie out in the lobby. She spotted her sister sitting in a corner of the main room, talking to another girl. Amelia looked up, furrowing her brows once she spotted her sister. She got up from the chair, pulling the cardigan she had around herself even tighter.

"Addison. What are you doing here?" It was not meant to be blunt, but she felt awful as it is, and Addison had not made the effort to come to see her before this point.

"Cassie is here."

"What?" Amelia sputtered, clearly shocked.

"She lied to Meredith and her and Karev's little sister have been staying with me. She was concerned about you, Amy. She wants to talk to you. But if you don't want that..."

"No. Of course, I do. Send her in." Amelia quickly fixed her hair in a mirror and watched as her favorite older young person walked in and spotted her. Cassie's face lit up once she saw her 'Amy', and she made a quick move to go hug her person.

"Amy!" she grinned, squeezing Amelia.

Amelia let the hug linger for a moment, as it felt nice, but then ripped the girl off of her. "Hi, Cass. Addie told me what you did to come to see me. You didn't have to do that." She stepped back, ashamed that her favorite person was seeing her like this.

"Of course I did. I wanted to make sure that you were okay. Meredith and Maggie and Alex never said anything. I thought you were dead. Addison answered your phone. That's why I came here. I needed to see that you were alive for myself. If not, then I would have planned your funeral." she joked.

"I'm fine." Amelia bit, not wanting this to go any longer.

"You don't have to lie," Cassie said, shaking her head in response.

"I am. That's not a lie." Amelia responded, a little harsher than intended. She knew this because Cassie stepped back instinctively. Amelia couldn't help it, she had gone to LA to avoid Cassie seeing her like this because Cassie was the only person that looked up to Amelia. She was not going to risk that for her own sobriety issues. If she stayed in LA for a long time, then Cassie would forget about her. That was the goal.

Cassie nodded, feeling Amelia's attempts to push her away. "I guess I'll see you when you come back to Seattle. You are coming back, right?" The girl asked.

"I don't know yet. The practice offered me my old job back. The difference is that the practice was always there for me. Seattle hates me. They're not my family. Seaside is my family."

Like a knife to the gut, Cassie felt pain. She knew Amelia was purposefully trying to push her away, but saying that saying that she was not her family, that was like being stabbed, being shot, and being cut into all at once. She was mesmerized. She couldn't respond. She couldn't move.

She felt Addison's hand on her shoulder, and Amelia's burning stares into her skin. Addison pulled her away in the other direction, recognizing that Cassie was in a trance and didn't feel her surroundings. Pretty soon they were standing at Addison's car.

"Cassie?" She asked. "I can't put you in the car myself."

Cassie nodded, slowly putting herself in the passenger seat. Addison got in driver's side and tried to read her face.

"She hurt you, didn't she?"

Cassie nodded, not saying a word, just staring at the window. Addison put a hand on her shoulder before putting both of her hands on the wheel and driving them out of there.

...

"That's a great book."

Amber jumped out of her thoughts, out of the book that was in her hands. She was laying on Addison's couch, Beautiful Scars sprawled out in front of her face. Amber couldn't help but blush at Violet standing in Addison's doorway. She sat straight, allowing Violet to sit down next to her. She needed to stay calm; she was not going to start crying again.

"Yeah. Bit depressing, but I guess I'm used to that." She put the book down on her lap. "Addison told me I should read them. I'm not stalking you or anything."

"Addison told me what you said. Honestly, I'm flattered."

Amber was taken aback. "What?"

"You never had a mom, so whenever a female comforts you, it's human instinct to cling to them because it's something you never had. And you shouldn't be ashamed of that."

"If I was a patient, would you be giving me this speech or a different one?"

"If you were a patient, I would have to tell you that it's strictly professional. And I've never had this problem with anyone before. I've dealt with murderers who thought that it was okay to kill another person, and pedophiles, heck I had someone who cut my baby out of me because she thought it was hers, but never someone who viewed me as a mother figure because I was the only person. This isn't professional. We can be friends. I can be your 'trusted adult'".

Amber sat back on the couch. "Trusted adult? What does that even mean?"

"It means if you call me from Seattle to talk to me, I won't tell anyone. I'll give you shrink advice, and I'll give you adult advice. You can come to stay with me sometime, I have a son..."

"Violet... you don't have to do this. You don't even know me."

"But I want to." She pulled out a piece of notebook paper from her pocket. In a purple pen, Violet had scribbled out various names. Amber made out her name and the words 'foster care' among other things.

"What is this?"

"You. You're my third book if you want to be. I haven't thought it out much, but I want it to be the effects of foster care and parent abandonment on the human psychological makeup. You inspired me, Amber."

"That's..." Amber couldn't even make out the words. "That's amazing, Violet. I would love to help, anyway that I can."

"I haven't thought of a title yet, but I want it to be a good one."

"How about..." Amber started. "Okay, give me a few years, I will come up with something great."

Violet laughed, and it warmed Amber's heart. It was such a beautiful smile. "That's a good idea. I'll need that much time to write it."

The two of them sat together for a little while longer, until Cassie walked in, tears streaming down her face. Addison soon followed her car keys in her hand. Cassie still hadn't said anything. Violet shot a look at Addison, who shook her head. Amber was the first to recover, pulling a fake smile on her face.

"Guess I'm not the only one shedding tears!"

"Amber!" Violet scolded.

"Sorry."

Chapter Text

trigger warning: this gets a little mature towards the end for minor scenes of sexual assault. read at your own risk.

There are five stages of grief. They go like this: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We go through these stages when we lose someone to death or to life's challenges. After grief, however, comes forgiveness. You need to forgive your person for leaving you too soon in the dust. The stages of forgiveness go something like this: stage one is anger. You're incredibly angry with them for leaving you alone with no one to support you. And you have every right to be. Scream in an empty field, punch a bag, growl at everyone and everything. Stage two is sadness. Cry openly. Express how you feel. Don't hold it in. Let it all go from inside of you. Stage three: the hopeful stage. Hoping they'll forgive you, come back to you, and love you. This is most likely the most painful stage as it puts a load on you mentally. Stage four is the reckoning. Accepting what happened, being okay with the outcome, and looking forward instead of back. The main point here is that forgiveness is a lot like grief. It has stages. It takes time. You can't skip steps. You can't wish away what happened. You have to accept it and move on. And you have to forgive them in order to do that, even if it seems impossible. Forgiveness affects not only the perpetrator but also the other party. They need to forgive to move on. They need to exhale the deep breathe they've been holding, unclench their fists, and let go.

"Thanks so much for watching them, Addison. Considering it was my kid and Alex's..."

"Meredith. It wasn't a problem at all. But if you don't mind my saying, both of those kids need you. They need someone to tell them that they're worth it. Amber spent a lot of time with my best friend, the psychiatrist at the practice, while she was here. And she just needs someone to be there, cause I don't think she feels that there is."

Meredith took this in, not really registering it in her mind. She would ponder it later when she wasn't sitting in the airport line waiting for her runaways to emerge from the terminal.

-

"Mer!"

The first thing she does is hug her aunt. The girl was letting herself be eaten alive by guilt at that point. She felt absolutely awful about everything that had happened. Amelia had rejected her, her father had rejected her...

"Hey, kid," Mer responded, giving her kid a tight hug. Addison had told her that things hadn't gone exactly well with Amelia. She didn't know what she was expecting. And Webber, ever her father figure, had told her to forgive. Because forgiving is not just for the person who did the action, it's for the person who suffered it as well.

She forgave Amelia. She was willing to let her come back to the house. Well, she was until she hurt Cassie. Now she wasn't sure.

"Where is Alex?" Amber asked, scanning the area around them at the airport. It was just Meredith. She was walking, which was great, but Amber needed to talk to her brother.

"Working. He moved his surgery to now so he could spend more time with you later."

"Okay." Amber murmured. It was then that it hit Meredith. Her conversation with Addison on the phone earlier suddenly made sense.

-

Once they got back to the house, Meredith called out to Amber before she could run up the stairs and hide in the attic with Cassie. Amber rolled her eyes, dropped her bag at the stairs, and trudged over to where Meredith was standing at the kitchen counter. She raised an eyebrow. 'What do you want?' her face spoke.

Meredith didn't hesitate. "I get you. You know why I get you? Because I was you. I was the girl who used to sulk around because my father left to have Cassie's mom and aunt, and my mother was too busy being a surgeon to raise me. And you know what, even though my mother cared more about her job than she did about me, she was still around. She was still the person that I wanted to become when I got older. I mean, not the abandoning mother, but the kickass surgeon that won two Harper Averys. Your mother isn't mentally well. I get that. My mom didn't want me to tell anyone that she had deteriorated from Alzheimer's. I didn't think I'd ever find someone to share my life with or even find someone to call family." She turned to look at the pictures stuck on the fridge. Her three kids. Her and Derek and Zola and Bailey. Her and Lexie (Cassie had put that one up there the minute she saw it), and her and the whole doctor family at one of the dinner receptions they had gone to. She needed some pictures of Cassie and Amber to put up there.

"Your brother, even when he was a scrawny selfish intern, was my family. His ex-wife, my family. My husband and the father of the three kids that adore you? It took me a long time to realize that I loved him. And Cassie's mother? We weren't raised together, so we weren't close in the beginning, but now I would give anything to tell her how her daughter is doing because she was my family. What I am trying to say is that, while our stories are not the same, they are incredibly similar. And I don't want you to think because I have Zola and Bailey and Ellis and Cassie that I won't be your person too. I will be your person if you want me to be."

"Exactly what did Addison tell you?" Amber said, avoiding answering the question her brother's best friend had just posed. It was true, she did want Meredith to talk to her about the stupid things like high school and eventually boys and prom when she stopped feeling that pit in her stomach.

"That you spent some time with the psychiatrist. I've never met her, but she sounds... nice?"

Amber nodded, deciding she would slightly let Meredith into her small circle. Alex and Cassie were the only other two people that she would even remotely consider letting into the circle. And the shrink, although she didn't know what that even meant, exactly.

"I don't know how to describe it to you. She might me feel... safe? Like I wasn't as alone anymore." Erg, she was getting all mushy. What if she started crying again? She couldn't let her guard down again.

"You're not alone. You have me and Alex and Cassie and always will."

Her wall stood strong. "But what if the adoption falls through and the social workers send me back to Iowa?" It was a legit fear, that accepting a place in this house would be ripped away from her before she could even sit down at the table.

"We are not going to let that happen. Do you understand that?" Meredith was still calm.

"You don't know, Meredith... I promised myself I would never go back there again." Her voice cracked. Crap! Where was her guard? He probably ran off to screw some chick or something.

Meredith immediately detected the change in the girl's tone. "Amber... is there something you're not telling me? Is there something you want to tell me?" She needed to make her feel like she could talk to her... she could talk to her.

Amber's breath stopped short.

"You don't like talking about the foster homes. I get that, as a doctor, I've seen too many cases of abuse in foster children." It suddenly clicked. "Were you..." Amber didn't say anything. "... because if you were, then you have to know that it is not your fault in any way, shape or form."

She coughed, clearing her throat so that it was once again hard. "You can't tell Alex. Not yet. Not now. It's not the right time." She didn't really want to tell him ever, but she figured he was already mad at her, and she wasn't going to spring that on him.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked. "Physically? Emotionally?"

"Meredith, it wasn't an issue when it happened. It's not going to be made into a big issue now."

"Amber-"

Meredith was cut off by the sound of the doorbell. Meredith rolled her eyes and went to open the door. She raised her eyebrows at the sight of Joel.

"Can I talk to her, please?"

"She's upstairs. If I hear screaming, I'm sending Amber up with a frying pan."

The man wearing the Seattle Presbyterian Hospital jacket clomped up the stairs to the attic. Cassie was haphazardly throwing her stuff from her bag onto the bed when she jumped in surprise at the sound of the door opening. Expecting Amber or Meredith, her eyes grew sad at the sight of her sperm donor. That was what she was going to refer to him as in her head from now. Although if he was here, that meant he probably wanted to talk about life or whatever.

Or whatever? She was starting to sound like Alex...

She didn't say anything; she just crossed her arms at him.

"I came to apologize. I don't think I was very fair to you the day we met. You have to understand, seeing you as a grown woman and finding out that you were my child, that I didn't know about you for all this time, that I missed out on all this time, it hurt me. If I had known about you, I would have given up everything for you. I would have dropped out of med school to give you the childhood you deserved. And Meredith tells me that your other aunt found you after some time, but that you weren't happy, that something was missing. Did you ever stop and think that maybe what you were missing was me? I know your mother is gone, and that you never got the chance to be her daughter, but you have the chance to be mine."

Cassie let out a deep breath. "How would that even work, exactly? You live on the other side of the city."

"I might have contacted Miranda Bailey to get a transfer to Grey Sloan Memorial. Well, me and my buddy, the doctor friend that helped you find me at the hospital. We both wanted to get transferred. And we got approved this morning."

"Wait, so you're moving closer to here?"

"Yes. Me and the buddy are trying to find a condo or something. You could come to look with me if you want. And we can go get dinner or something afterward."

"Um... I am going to go ask my aunt." She shuffled past him, and down the stairs.

"Mer! He wants me to go house hunting with him!"

"Househunting? Is he moving closer to here?"

"Yes, so he can start his new job at Grey-Sloan Memorial!"

Meredith rolled her eyes as if to say, 'I really should have seen this coming.'

-

She was still in disbelief that she and her father were driving to see a house in Seattle as if they had known each other their whole lives. Well, it was incredibly awkward, but they were trying. And it wasn't like they were expected to click immediately.

She eyeballed the Stanford sticker on her father's car. "So you went to Stanford? My aunt's best friend went to Stanford."

"Cristina Yang?"

"How did you-"

"She used to work at Grey-Sloan. She was a few years ahead of me, but she was a legend. Every med student that went through there knew her name. I read all of her journals. I was really rooting for her to win that Harper Avery."

"Goodness knows she deserved it. Stupid rules."

"So... have you given any thought to what you want to do after high school?"

"Well, pre-med and then med school." She shrugged as if it wasn't obvious.

"Do you know where? Because I could get you some connections at Stanford."

"Honestly, I haven't really put that much consideration into it. I was debating just going to UWashington Seattle so I could be close to Meredith and everyone. They're my family. And if anything happens..." her voice faltered. The truth was, she had considered Stanford. But now, it felt too far away, too out of reach... 

"Why do you think something is going to happen?"

"My mother died in a plane crash. My aunt has suffered so many traumas that I don't know how she is still walking around functioning as she does. She held a bomb in her hands. She drowned. She survived a shooting, and a plane crash, and gave birth to my cousin in an electrical storm, her sister died, her husband, she was attacked like a month ago... I'm just afraid that something else is going to happen, and I am not going to be there." ... to say goodbye.

"You have Meredith, for now..." Her mother's voice rang in her mind.

"You can't think like that. Yes, you and the rest of the Greys have suffered a massive amount of trauma for just three people. But you cannot live your life in fear that something bad is going to happen every time you walked away from them! That is not how life works."

"I know that I do, but I just found them. And I lost one. I don't want to lose anymore. I mean, I think I would survive, sure, but I don't want them to die."

"No one wants their loved ones to die. But you cannot stop your life. So, will you at least take a weekend and go see Stanford with me? I promise you I will not abide you by contract to go there."

"Oh, that's reassuring."

They pulled up to a condo around ten minutes away from Meredith's. Nathan is standing there by his car, and he waves eagerly as soon as he sees them approaching.

"Mate, I think you'll like this one."

-

She sees him. Hovering above her. She's there, on the bed, unable to move her bones. They burn, they're numb.

But she's not numb. Well, her mind is, but she feels him, shoving himself into her.

She can't breathe. She's heaving. Her body is giving out on her. 

She had originally tried to scream, tried to call anyone that could get her out of there. She thought of Alex, her brother, who would if he wasn't in Seattle, come running in like Superman and scoop her up and run into the night carrying her in his arms.

They've tried a number of different things. It depends on their mood. Sometimes they handcuffed her to the bed, or drugged her, blindfolded her, it really depended.

She'd only been in this foster home a couple weeks. The usual wife who pretended the kid didn't exist, and the husband who saw nothing but someone to screw whenever he wanted to. She'd been in a lot of foster homes that had hit her, sure, but none had ever...

None had ever taken something so sacred away from her.

She needed to get out of there, out of this nightmare in which she was reliving something she wanted to forget before the scene changed to something even worse.

Too late.

"A woman like you is too pretty to be wearing that many clothes."

That was the first thing he had ever said to her. She hadn't even been standing in that house for five minutes when he had said that. He had said that as he had forced her upstairs into their bedroom. She had tried to fight him, but he had her pinned down before she could even move.

It was terrifying that even in her dreams she could hear the sound of her own screams.

-

She wakes up hyperventilating. She can't breathe. She's going to vomit out her insides.

As quietly as she can to not wake Cassie, she goes flying down the stairs to the downstairs bathroom where hopefully no one will hear her puking out her dinner. Tears are raining down her face. Usually, she would just wake up and go back to sleep. Not today, apparently.

She stands up, turning around. Standing in the doorway of the tiny bathroom are Alex and Meredith. They look at each other before hugging her. She was an absolute blubbering mess. There was no way they were going to keep her now.

And that's how they ended up huddled together on the bathroom floor.

Chapter Text

People confuse me. No one in specific. Just people in general. How their perspective can vary so much from mine. Each one of us is different. We all have different experiences that bring us to the person that we are. We each have our own core values. And even though we have those different experiences, they should hopefully bring us to a similar understanding of the world. To love. To be compassionate towards one another. To be honest when needed. To be the person someone else needs. To be the good man in the storm.

Upon saying that people confuse me, a very smart friend of mine said that confusion is good sometimes. And he's right. Because we need confusion to grow. If we aren't confused about how things are, it means we accept them without question. But how can we accept these things without feeling a certain disconnect between them? There must be a certain blindness to the thought of all.

To hell with them.

She didn't know how long she sat there, mushed between her brother and this woman who had kind of become the person she wanted in her life. Meredith somehow understood. She didn't think anyone could, but she did.

Her head was nuzzled on Meredith's shoulder, while her brother had wrapped his arms around her. She couldn't stop crying. Meredith had started rubbing her hand up and down the girl's back and that had made it worse.

"It's okay." Meredith kept saying. "You're okay. We got you."

Cassie appeared in the doorway not too long after. She made eye contact with Meredith, who nodded. She didn't react drastically, but rather kneeled in front of Amber and put her forehead to the girl's. Amber looked up, and her breathing soon calmed down.

"Let's go sit in the living room. I'll go make some hot chocolate." Meredith said, leading the girls to the couch and pushing them down gently. Alex placed a blanket over his sister before going to sit down on the other couch. He kept rocking back and forth on his feet. He was probably blood boiled and ready to punch out half the state of Iowa. Meredith had told him, "We need to talk to Amber; I think there's something she hasn't told us." But Alex knew Mer and that if she was saying that she knew at least part of the story.

Meredith came back with two hot chocolates and two coffees, placing them all on the table. She looked up at the two girls. Amber had wrapped herself completely in the blanket and had gone silent. She was clutching Cassie's hand as if it was a lifeline.

"Amber, what happened?" Meredith asked in a calm and quiet voice.

"I, uh..." her eyes darted from one person to another across the room. "I was raped. In the last foster home." She looked at her brother in fear of his reaction. He just looked sad.

"Do you want me to leave?" Cassie asked, understanding that whatever it was that was about to come out was not something to be only taken with a grain of salt.

Amber grew worried at those words, "No, stay." She turned back to the grownups. "I left as soon as I could. This guy... he... I was fine with being beat up. It didn't bother me anymore. But he took something so sacred away from me. I deserved the chance to be able to have sex for the first time with whoever I wanted. And this guy... I don't know if I can ever go a day without seeing his face in my mind."

"Why didn't you call me?" Alex asked, sounding a little bit angry. She shrunk back, and he noticed. "I'm sorry, Amber. This is my fault. I shouldn't have ever left you there. I should have brought you with me."

"Alex." His baby sister bit. "I blamed you for so long. But then when I got here, I saw you. You save kids! You save the kids that can't be saved. I know you didn't leave me there because you wanted this to happen. I just wished you hadn't left me there for so long. But you aren't the one who raped me. He was."

"We're going to take this guy down, Amb."

"No, we're not. I just want to get past this. I love you guys, and I want to live in Seattle and go to college and be a doctor. I don't know what kind of doctor, but I want to do what you guys do. And I am afraid of this guy, sure, I see him every time I close my eyes, but the minute you guys hugged me on the floor of that bathroom, I realized that I was safe. As long as I am here, you guys won't let anything like that happen. I just... I am terrified that the social worker is going to decline your application to let me stay."

Cassie had just sat there, absorbing. Her best friend, her sister, was raped. She had had the foster care life, sure, but nothing had ever gotten that bad for her. God, she really wanted to sandwich herself between Meredith and Alex and just hide there from the world. She was betting Amber felt the exact same way. She was strong; all of them were incredibly strong, but sometimes they just needed to be weak. Maybe now was one of those times.

"I think you're downplaying your emotions, Amber. I know it might be hard for you to talk to us, but you need to talk to someone about what happened." Meredith cut in. "We could get Violet."

"No." Amber immediately responded. "Karevs don't do shrinks."

"Yes, we do." Alex cut in. "And you will. You need to. You need to be a happy grown-up, and the only way that is going to happen is if you find closure. And you can't do that alone."

Cassie dragged Amber up from the couch to which she received a confused look, pulling her towards the other couch. She eyeballed Meredith as if to say move over, and Meredith scooted to the end of the couch, giving the two girls enough room to sit down in the middle.

The four of them laid there, saying nothing, just being with each other. Keeping each other warm, keeping each other company, reminding each other that they were not alone.

And that was honest to god enough.

...

Alex Karev walked with determination. He had kept it together for his sister's sake all night, but he really wanted to punch something or someone. This was all his fault, whether or not Amber would admit that.

He walked into the social worker's office. If this lady didn't give him what he wanted, he was probably going to deck her.

Meredith should have come to hold him back.

"Hello, Mr. Karev. What can I do for you?"

"I want the permanent custody papers. Amber belongs with me."

"Mr. Karev, are you aware that your sister ran away across the country? That doesn't look too good. Also, your mother never terminated her rights. I've been lenient in letting her stay with you, but she's on a fine line." The woman's lips remained pursed.

"Amber was raped."

Her lips unpursed slightly.

"I know that's not something you folk care about that much, but she needs to be here with me. So please, let my sister be with her family."

"For the record, Mr. Karev, I am human. I care about these children. There just isn't much I can do. Do you know how many kids go into the system? There's no evidence that can put away these monsters. Once they go in, they lose the light in their eyes."

"I know. I was the reason my siblings didn't go into foster care. I raised them even though I was a kid myself. That girl, the fact that I got to still see the light in her eyes, she's why I wanted to become a doctor. To help helpless kids. So please, help her."

"You need your mother to terminate her parental rights. That's the only problem I see right now. And your current living situation. I understand that you were in an adjustment period, but you live with four other kids and two other doctors. The state might not look kindly to that. Get her to sign off, and come back here."

Alex nodded before walking away.

-

Amber clutched her phone between her hands. She turned it over repeatedly, watching the lock screen of an old picture of her and her siblings she had found flicker on and off.

She should call. She was smart enough to know that if she wanted to get better, she needed to talk about all of the things that weighed her down. Part of her kept thinking of Violet, who said she could call her anytime. Part of her felt like that was just a common courtesy and that she didn't really mean it, and the other part of her really want to believe in the possibility of healing.

So, sitting in the attic she and Cassie shared, she dialed.

"Hey Violet. it's me, Amber. I just, uh, well, I realized that I need to talk about things that hurt me if I want to move on and be happy. And I think you're one of my people because you're one of the first people I felt safe with, so..." she hesitated, "if you're busy I completely understand."

She took a deep breath. She was afraid, but somehow the words still came out of her mouth.

"I, um, I had a nightmare about the day I was raped for the first time. I've had that nightmare plenty of times, but today was different. Maybe it was something Meredith said or the fact that I have been opening up to these people now, and I feel exposed. And I feel like I can cry. I don't like crying, it makes me feel weak. The day I was raped, I uh, couldn't cry until I was at school the next day in the bathroom where no one would hear me and get mad. I wanted to cry so much that day. After that, tears were just a numb feeling. They didn't happen to me. And I just lost it when I woke up. But Meredith and Alex and Cassie held me while I cried, and I felt safe for the first time in a really long time."

Violet cleared her throat on the other side of the call. "That's great, Amber. You know what that means?"

Was this a really dumb question? "No. What does it mean?"

"It means you're healing. And don't get me wrong, you still have work you need to do, but it's a start. You're going to be okay."

-

"I'm going to find my mom," Alex said, shoving some clothes into his duffle bag. "She needs to sign the paperwork. Mer, Amber needs us. She needed me and I wasn't there."

"You need to stop blaming yourself, Alex. You didn't want all of this stuff to happen to her. You needed to get out of there. Because you couldn't save her as a twentysomething with no job. And look at you now."

"Mer, I left when she was four to go to med school. I came back as often as I could, making sure Aaron was keeping her safe, making sure she was still alive. I had to hand her an envelope every time so she would have lunch money cause god knows she probably wasn't eating at any other point. As she got older, she realized I wasn't staying. She knew that I was her way out, but I never offered it to her. And I thought when my residency started I could go and get her but then it was the psycho chick and Izzie got sick and Izzie got better and when we got married I thought maybe that was it but before I could even propose the idea she had walked out on me. I couldn't do it after that. And I got shot and I thought maybe she was better off not with someone whose friends had a track record for almost dying. At some point, she got thrown into the foster system and no one told me. She kept picturing me every time she needed an out. And I wasn't there."

"Maybe you should take Amber with you," Meredith suggested as Alex zipped up the duffle.

Alex threw the bag over his shoulder. "No. She's not ready. Iowa has traumatized her enough for one lifetime."

She eyeballed him as he made his way to the front door. "Are you sure she's not going to be mad you left without her?"

"Well, she can yell at me and punch me all she wants. I'm her person. I can take it."

And the front door slammed behind him.

...

The doorbell rang not too long after. Meredith was in the kitchen with all five of her children eating dinner (Amber and Cassie had to cook to avoid the house burning down.) Their baked casserole had been a mild success.

"I'll get it." Amber said, jumping up from the table to answer the door. She blinked as she opened the door to see a woman who looked vaguely familiar in the doorway. Short brown hair. Kinda pretty. She must have been one of the doctors.

"Is Alex here?" The woman asked.

"No." Where was her brother anyway? She hadn't seen him since she got home from school. Maybe he got pulled into emergency surgery.

"I'm sorry; who are you?" Jo asked, slightly confused as to who was answering the door. It must have been one of Cassie's friends. But why was she answering the door if she didn't live here?

"I'm Alex's sister. Who are you?" She pressed back, crossing her arms, hoping this wasn't the mother of his niece he didn't know about.

"I'm Jo Wilson, I-"

"Jo! What are you doing here?" Meredith appeared behind her.

"I need to talk to Alex. He's been so distant lately. I assumed it was because he wanted to be there for you after you got attacked and the dinner and I didn't want to get in the way of that because goodness knows you come first but it's been months and he still won't make eye contact with me and he avoids working with me at all costs. Is he okay? Because I want to be there for him, and I should have pushed earlier but I wanted to give him space."

"Jo." Meredith bit. "Come inside."

Jo awkwardly plopped down on the couch opposite from Meredith. She knew Meredith didn't like her. She was very protective of Alex, and Jo knew she didn't make the cut.

"Alex has been preoccupied lately. It's not anything you did. You are important to him, Jo. You're the first person Alex has been with in a long time that brings out the good in him. He just wants to do right by his sister." Meredith turned to Amber. "She needs him."

Jo turned to Amber. She probably had the same childhood as Alex. Not very sunshiney. She could see the look in the girl's eyes. It was the same one she carried.

She softened her eyes at the girl. "I grew up in the foster care system too. I get it. If you ever want to talk to me, Meredith has my number." She turned to Meredith as she stood up. "Will you tell him I stopped by and that I need to talk to him?"

Meredith nodded.

Jo turned back to Amber. "You're not alone. When I was 16, I lived in my car. But you... you have people. Always remember that."

And she walked out of the front door, as Alex had only a few minutes earlier.

Amber turned back to Meredith. "Is that Alex's girlfriend?" Meredith nodded.

"I like her already!"

Chapter Text

ok so this social worker part is probably not very realistic but i needed it for plot and relationship development. e n d g a m e   o m g 

i  l o v e  y o u  3 0 0 0 

what has our dear cassie done?

No matter how hard humans try to fill their voids, doing whatever they can to feel whole, they can't. But it gets hard sometimes. To get up in the morning. Do the same things over and over because you have to. Stressing yourself out. Being on the brink of tears, just needing a hug, but not being able to ask. But you get up, and you do all those things because you have to. You keep going. But how do you find the strength inside you when you just want to lay in bed forever?

Some function off of the people around them. They don't need to talk, but just need to know that they're there in close proximity. And that's something powerful. That one can feel safe and warm just by being near the people that they love. To go sit next to people just because it makes them feel better without having to actually say what's on their mind. And sometimes they just know without needing to say anything. And sometimes, they just know a hug is needed.

Humans are such complex creatures. They have the ability to keep going in the midst of disaster. Some of them function completely normally as nothing could ever phase them, while others feel as though it's impossible to go on. There's a medium in the spectrum that you must find. To be on one end, and to feel nothing is to be a cup of filling water that will at one point explode. The pressure will be built. Suffocation will occur. Breathing will become difficult. There has to be a medium where we feel as though we can survive standing on our own two feet.

So how do we keep going? Maybe we can't fill our voids. Maybe we can't fix ourselves and make ourselves less broken. But we do what we need to do to make ourselves whole, at least for as long as we can. To feel safe, to feel comfortable at the moment. Whatever we need.

"Well, what do you think?" Joel asked, letting Cassie walk through the front door of his new apartment. It was only a five-minute walk from Meredith's, which Cassie appreciated.

She eyeballed the big screen tv mounted to the wall, hooked up to some football game Cassie couldn't care about if she tried, and all the shiny stuff that screamed 'I am a rich doctor!' in big marquee lights.

"It's really nice." She commented.

"Open that door." He pointed to the door at the end of the hall.

Her mouth dropped open at the sight of a room that was, of course, designed just for her. That was the cliche thing that openly happened in the movies. Here was this guy that hadn't known she had existed until now that was offering to let her live with him. Knowing him, he would probably tell her that it was at her own pace, that she could still live with Meredith and come and go as she pleased. That she would always have a home with him.

The room was blue with a blue and black chevron comforter covering the white bed. He had left it relatively simple, probably going to offer to let her decorate it as she wished.

This was the kind of thing that only happened in movies.

"I know I just found out about you, and that we just met, but I want you to know that you will always have a home with me. I know you have a home with Meredith, and I would never want to take that away from you, but if you someday need a break from the chaos of living in that house, you are always welcome here."

She was right.

"I want to get to know you, of course, I do. But I feel like Meredith and Amber need me right now. And I need them. I hope you understand that this is a slow process because any faster and I will crumble."

"Of course I understand. You just got thrown into a whole new life, and it's changing again. I'm not going to make it any harder on you. But I want to be there."

"So, uh, did Meredith tell you blue was my favorite color?" She joked.

"Yes. Did she lie to make me look bad? I don't think she likes me very much." Joel joked back.

Cassie chuckled. "No, blue is my favorite color. Meredith doesn't dislike you, that's just her face. I think it's a Grey thing."

Joel clapped his hands together. "So, Chinese for dinner?"

...

Cassie walked back into the house, letting the door slam behind her. She listened for the usual sounds: Bailey playing, Ellis crying, the murmur of the tv, but nothing. It was quiet. Had her whole family gone out to dinner without her?

Oh god, had someone else gotten into a plane crash? Why was that always the first thing that came to mind?

She called Amber, no response.

Maggie, no response. She was probably in surgery.

As far as she knew, Meredith had the day off and was staying home with the kids. And wasn't Alex supposed to be back from Iowa today?

She went upstairs to the attic, throwing her purse and keys on the ground. Amber jumped up from the bed, visibly scared by the noise. She looked awful. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she was wearing oversized clothes and she just looked destroyed by the thought of it all. Not that Cassie blamed her.

"Sorry," Cassie whispered. "I didn't think anyone was home."

"Alex and Meredith didn't want me to stay here but I really just wanted to be alone. They know, Cass. They know that I am damaged and broken and I just feel like somehow that's going to ruin any chance I have of staying here with my brother and with you and Mer. I want that so much. What if the social worker.."

Cassie sat down on the bed next to this girl who had become her sister. "That's not going to happen. I won't let that happen. I promise you, you're going to have a family. You're going to have this family."

"You don't know that it's going to be okay,"

"Yeah, I do."

-

"There, I got it. My mom signed."

Alex dropped the stack of papers onto the social worker's desk. They thudded, and the woman didn't even look up.

"Did you get it notarized by a federal judge?"

Alex was trying to keep his anger in check. "No, my mom is a schizophrenic living with drug dealers. I barely got her to sign. There was no way in hell I could get her to go to court, let alone in front of a federal judge."

The social worker finally looked up at Alex, annoyance covering her features. "We can try to get it approved for special circumstances. The next step would be a house inspection."

Alex nodded, letting out a breath. How hard could it be?

...

The social worker was like one of the ones you see in the movies. Grey skirt and blazer, glasses on her disproportionate nose, and a clipboard, the clipboard that dictated if children could have a home.

The main living areas were not an issue as everything was kid proofed for Bailey and Ellis. The kids napped while Meredith and Maggie were sitting in the kitchen looking at med notes and the girls were at school. Alex nervously paced after the social worker.

It was when they went upstairs that issues began arising. There were a lot of people in the house. Three adults, two teens, and three kids. Four bedrooms, five if you count the attic. Amelia's room lay untouched, eventually to be given to Amber because the attic reminded Cassie of her mom.

There were eight people and five bedrooms.

"You're having your sister sleep in the attic next to Christmas ornaments?" The social worker shook her head in disapproval and wrote something on her clipboard.

"It's a temporary set-up. We were going to fix it up once we knew she was going to be staying." Alex was a bit panicked, to say the least.

The social worker eyeballed the massive pile of books on the desk. "Is that hers?" She questioned, looking at the medical books.

"No. They're Cassie's."

The social worker looked at the paperwork on her clipboard. "Mr. Karev, you live in a house that you do not own. You sold it back to Ms. Grey. You live with three women and their four children plus your own. There are three bedrooms here, four if you count shoving two teenagers into the attic. This isn't a good living situation for them. I don't even want to know what the relationship between you and these women is. It's probably something that Amber should not be a part of."

Alex let out a breath. This was not going well. It was not going to be fine.

-

"It's going to be fine."

"Easy for you to say. Your aunt signed away her rights and Meredith was fine. It probably wasn't even an issue for you."

Cassie furrowed her brow. She couldn't even remember if Meredith had mentioned even getting the paperwork. She had just assumed it was fine. She was more concerned about finding her place than she was about her aunt getting a signed piece of paper saying that she was Mer's.

"I can't be at home when this happens. I can't be there when that lady tells me that I can't be with you and Mer and my brother."  The two of them were walking home from school, trying to avoid going into the house for as long as possible. The weather was cool, and Cassie was warm in her Harvard sweater. Amber was anxious. Cassie had, at first, thought that Amber was too tough and that they would never be friends. But lately, Amber had been twitchy. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe that meant she was finally opening up.

Amber took off before Cassie could even try to convince her to calm down. She needed time, and Cassie clearly wasn't getting through to her. She readjusted her backpack on her shoulders before she began walking towards the house.

She tried not to make a sound as she entered through the front door. She could hear Alex, frustrated, and the voice of who she assumed was the social worker. She quietly climbed up the stairs and plopped down on the top step. She let out a breath as she listened, trying to hear any and all conversation.

-

"I sold Meredith her house back because she wanted me to. I came back because she had lost her husband and she needed me. We're a family. And Amelia Shepherd is no longer in the picture so Meredith said Amber can have her room. It's unconventional, but it's not bad. She wants to be here. We love her, and she loves us. We're a family." Alex tried.

"I agree," Meredith said from where she sat at the kitchen table.

The social worker turned to her. "And what exactly is your relationship with Mr. Karev?"

"He's my best friend." She answered without hesitation.

"And what happens when you two decide to date and it becomes confusing for Amber?"

"We're not dating! Meredith just lost her husband, and she didn't want to live alone! Is that such a bad thing? And Amber is seventeen. If she has a problem she will tell me about it!" Alex argued.  

"Just like she told you about the assault right when she got here?"

Alex swallowed. He was losing. He didn't know how he was losing because he and Mer were in it for the long haul and they were gonna do right by these kids. And he didn't know what to do. And worst off, the lady hadn't even believed him when he had told her, and now she was using that against him!

"What can I do? What can I do to fix this?" He asked her, almost begging. He refused the urge to use his fists.

"I am sorry, Mr. Karev. It is my recommendation she returns to Iowa and enters the system."

The lady walked away, leaving Alex standing there mesmerized. His hand was slowly turning into a fist, so Mer got up, running over to him to give him a hug. "We are going to fix this, Alex. We are going to find a way. She's not leaving."

Cassie could hear them from on the stairs. She couldn't help but feel that she needed to do something, that if she didn't Amber would lose her one chance at having a family. And she needed that family more than anything else.

Would Amber's chances be better if she left? If there was one less person in the house? If the attic was Amber's all her own?

Did she really want to give up her life with these people for Amber?

Amber deserved better. And she would be fine, she was going to live with her dad. She had bounced around enough, it wasn't like it was anything new.

She stood up from where she sat on the stairs. She wanted to run down to Alex and Mer and have them tell her everything was going to be okay, but she couldn't. Because she would never do what she had to do.

She cleared her throat before dialing the number. "Hey, uh, Joel."

"Cassie. What's up? Is everything okay?"

"Uh, remember when you said your home was my home?"

"Yeah, it was like two days ago."

"I want to come live with you." She let out before she could stop herself. It's way too crowded here, and Meredith has enough to worry about with her own three kids. I wanna come live with you and get to know you."

A pause on the line. "Did you talk to Meredith about this?"

"She, uh..." she couldn't believe what she was about to do to her aunt. "She won't let me. You have to challenge her for custody."

That was the only way, right? The only way to get the social worker to leave Amber here?

"Are you sure about this?"

"Meredith has never liked you because you left her sister. She doesn't  think you're capable of raising me."

"I'll, uh, call my lawyer and see what she says."

Cassie let out a breath. She had done the right thing.

Right?

-

Chapter Text

Lucky. Adjective. Describing one's ability to have successes or failures brought on by chance rather than action. Most would describe themselves as unlucky, due to a thing that psychology likes to call pessimism. Self-efficacy is the belief that positive things happen to us due to external factors, such as other people or luck.

So am I lucky? There is no success or failure in this story. There is no silver lining that pushes the facts in either direction. I do believe, however, in the power of chance. That things such as these happen for a reason, we just don't know it at the time. Perhaps, ten years from now, I will be walking on my way to work, and I will clumsily run into someone, and I will realize that it is indeed who I was waiting for.

For the ability to hope and dream and wonder and live, we are all a lot luckier than we think or know.

Meredith was filling out a chart at the nurse's station when a man began walking towards her. She didn't think much of it until he called out her name. "Are you Meredith Grey?" Meredith nodded, a bit confused. She had just gotten out of a long surgery. She didn't need any more drama.

"You've been served."

That was the last thing she was expecting today. Upon opening the envelope, her eyes began to water. The sperm donor who hadn't even known about his daughter was suing her for custody?

"What the hell is this?" Alex heard Meredith scream. He came over to her, prying the papers out of her hands before she ran into one of the storage closets. He followed, trying to read the papers and support his person at the same time.

"I can't lose her! Why is the world against us having these kids?"

"Mer." Alex bit, "What if Cassie asked him to do this?"

"If she wanted to leave, she would have told me."

"Would she? Think about it, Mer. She wouldn't want to hurt your feelings like that. Or, maybe she had nothing to do with this but Joel the asshole is going to get a good punch next time I see him."

"No. We're going to figure this out. I am not about to lose my kid."

Alex chuckled. "Neither am I."

-

Cassie could feel her heart beating outside of her chest for as long as it took it for her to finish her school day and go home. Sitting at the kitchen table with her homework and notes sprawled all over, she still felt incredibly nervous. She knew Meredith was going to walk in at some point in the next couple hours, and that she was going to be holding a manila envelope in her hands.

She knew she was stupid. She knew what she was doing was stupid. All of the great test scores in the world could not make up for the fact that she had done this out of purely being afraid that Amber's leaving would be her fault if she didn't do something, even if that something was stupid and reckless and not going to work.

An hour later, Meredith walked in with Ellis in her arms and Bailey and Zola in tow in her arms. She put Ellis in the high chair and Bailey and Zola ran off to play. She didn't say anything and just stared at her with one eyebrow raised. She was probably assessing what to say. She sat down across from her and just watched.

"Did Joel talk to you about trying to get custody of me?" She finally said.

Cassie swallowed the lump in her throat. "I, uh, asked him to do it."

"Why?" One word. One word with so much meaning. Why would you do this? Why don't you want to live here anymore?

And the biggest and heaviest: Why wasn't I enough?

Cassie had to lie."Because I didn't think you would let me leave if I asked you. And he's my..." she was terrible at lying- she had to swallow before the tears started. "...father. He has more of a right to me than you do."

Meredith was clearly hurt by this, but she wasn't going to say so. "Is this some kind of punishment? Did I do something to you?" She paused. "Did he threaten you? Is that it? Did he tell you that you didn't have a choice?"

"No!" Cassie let out a breath. "I want to go. Please just let me go." She was begging, almost crying. She couldn't let this flop.

The look on Meredith's face made Cassie want to sob and just throw herself at her aunt. She looked pained. She looked up as if asking Lexie and Derek why this was happening. She looked back at the girl, and there were tears in her eyes. The two of them stared at each other for what seemed like a century. There was no going back now. She had hurt Meredith- intentionally.

"If that's what you want." She finally said. "But I am not going to sign anything or do anything in court until I talk to Joel. You want to go to stay there, fine, but don't do anything irrational because you want to hurt me. It never works."

...

Amber and Alex walked into the house sometime later. They knew it was over. They were losing the fight and there was nothing they could do to amend the situation. That was it. Amber had to pack her bags and fly back to Iowa the next morning, or it would become a 'police matter' as the social worker had put it.

Alex didn't know what to do anymore. He thought he was a better man. And there he was, letting his sister go back to the place that hurt her. He wanted to go back with her, but there were two things holding him back. Bailey had said there wasn't anyone to cover peds because Arizona was in the midst of a custody war, and Amber herself was very against it.

"Look at what you built here, Alex. You can't stop saving babies because of me. I won't let you. I will be fine. Please keep saving the babies."

The look on her face was enough for Alex to shut up. He knew he was older, that he was the one who got the final say and was supposed to be the adult, but at some point, Amber had become one too. There wasn't any going back, and he knew that, as much as he would always blame himself for the fact that she had lost her childhood.

The two Karev siblings stood in proximity to each other, too pained to say anything. And they weren't much of huggers, their childhoods had prevented that.

Amber cleared her throat. She wanted to go be alone, to think, to memorize every good thing about this house before she left it, so she could remember those things in the moments when whoever was going to 'take care' of her didn't. "I'm going to finish shoving all my stuff into my bag. For tomorrow."

She shuffled up the stairs before Alex could say anything else.

...

Cassie packed one bag. She hoped that at least the fact that there was a process of Cassie leaving started would help Amber's case.

Oh, screw it. She knew this would never work. And she had hurt Meredith. She had hurt the one person who had loved her and taught her how to be strong. She was ruining everything. And what about her father? He was so happy to see her, and while she was happy to see him, it didn't feel right at all.

She couldn't sleep. She missed her attic. She missed Alex's cooking. She missed the slight chaos that came with living with three doctors and three kids. She missed Amber's snoring.

Joel was a nice guy, he was, and he was the reason she was even on the planet, but he wasn't Meredith and Alex and Maggie and Zola and Bailey and Ellie and Amber.

The look on Meredith's face rang fresh in her mind. It wouldn't go away. Cas tried watching vines and youtube videos and listening to music, but nothing was working. Mer had looked destroyed. Like she was losing her sister and husband and father and mother all over again. But this time, it was her throwing the punches.

Emotional punches, anyway.

She opened her eyes to see her phone light up next to her on the bed. It was Amber. She picked it up, adjusting herself on the bed. It was almost three AM! What was that girl thinking?

"Amber. Are you okay?" She coughed, attempting to clear the grogginess out of her throat.

"No. Alex was denied custody. I'm leaving. Why are you at your dad's? I thought you had mixed feelings about the guy."

Her heart skipped a beat in her chest. "What do you mean you're leaving?"

"I can't go back to Iowa, Cass. I am not going to be the rape doll of some old man. I am going to be fine. I have a plan. No one looks for runaways. Tell Alex and Mer not to freak out, if they know where I am we could all get in trouble. I will be safe. I'll call you when this all blows over. Once I'm eighteen, I'm free. It's only a few more months."

Cassie was not believing what she was hearing. After everything she had done, Amber was still going to have to run from her home. Wasn't her sacrifice enough? "Amber, you were supposed to be able to stay once I left! There's one less mouth to feed and bed to fill!"

"Cass, that's not how this works. Did you think that if you left I would be able to stay?"

Cassie said nothing. It felt like she had been punched in the gut. She was such an idiot. So much for genius way beyond her age. She was probably going to be the person that died from Alzheimer's, not cured it. Amber let out a deflated sigh. Cassie had tried for her. And it had done nothing but broken two people that she loved.

"I gotta go. Bye, Cass."

...

"Meredith, I need to tell you something."

Amber wasn't even remotely surprised to find Meredith in the kitchen at four AM with a cup of coffee in front of her and some papers that she was probably trying and failing to read.

"What, Amber?" She snapped. Her eyebrows dropped at the sight of the girl tensing her shoulders in response. "Sorry. What's up? Are you nervous about tomorrow?" She placed her cup of coffee on the table, before sitting back and patting the spot next to her. Amber hesitated, she was already too attached to Mer as it was, but then she sat down anyway when Mer glared at her.

"Cassie didn't want to leave. I don't think so, anyway. I think she thought that if she left I would have a chance to stay here. But Alex is going to lose me anyway. You can't lose her. You have to get her back and bring her home. She deserves a home with you."

"She did this for you?" The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Cassie had given up her home in hopes that Amber would get to keep it. It lacked a bit of logical reasoning, but it was a desperate effort- one that made Meredith proud apart from Cassie's somewhat self-destructive tendencies.

"Yeah. She was trying to protect me, I guess. I'm so grateful to have gotten to get to know her. Maybe we'll get together again in the future." She frowned, knowing that her future was getting taken away from her because foster care was a big question mark. She didn't know where she would be in a couple of days.

"Alex and I are going to make sure you come back to us. This is only temporary. We are going to come back for you. We're your family." Meredith hugged the girl. She wished she didn't have to let her walk away. She wished that her daugh- niece's- efforts had at least worked in the other girl's favor. But at least she got to, hopefully, bring Cassie home.

"Mer? Tell Cassie thanks for trying."

"I will." Mer swallowed. How had she lost both of her teens in one day? She was going to get one back, granted, but still. Amber was hers too. She loved those girls.

Amber waddled back up the stairs. We are your family. We are your family. We are your family. We are your family. We are your family. We are your family.

She had an idea.

Meredith had issues with her actual family, that much she had been able to piece together from how she acted and what everyone had said in passing. But Meredith's family was all of those doctors. Alex. Arizona. Even Addison in some respects. She built her own family. And she said Amber was apart of it. Alex had his own family here too, and some small part of her knew that she was apart of it, underneath the pain of being left behind amongst other things.

She put her backpack on her back, and she quietly slipped down the stairs, making sure Mer didn't hear the open and close of the front door. 

Amber wasn't sure, but this felt right in her gut. She wasn't the one who had come up with the idea, but it made sense for now. She was going to have to age out. She was 17 years old, she only had months to go. She would find a way. She didn't know about how to graduate high school or apply to colleges, but she could go back to school once she turned 18, she hoped. She wanted to be more than what she was. She wasn't a lot, and she wanted to be someone worth more than the girl that was raped that night.

She coughed, hesitating before lifting up her hand to slide the door. It was around 6:30, so she hoped the person she was looking for was awake and around, otherwise this would be really awkward.

Jo looked up from where she was leaning against the counter, sipping her coffee and using her laptop.

"Hey."

Chapter Text

I love you. 

It's surreal how much meaning can be placed into those three words. How some people can hesitate so much to say those three words.

My best friend said those words to her boyfriend of less than one month without any hesitation. My friend and I were conflicted. We could never say that so soon. I see it in her face: she's happier now. She spent her life feeling alone because she had to take care of herself and everyone around her, with no one to take care of her. She wanted someone to take care of her, and she found that person in Starboy.

I have always been afraid of being alone. Maybe it's because I spent the majority of my life feeling alone when there was no one else besides 'them' and 'me'. Maybe its because I was left to fend for myself in a place where the majority of the people were incompassionate. Maybe its because when I thought I had found friends there, they throw havoc.

"I love you," I said and then regretted it because I know that means I'm letting myself care for someone who will most likely leave me for their boyfriend or for someone more important.  I love you. You say. Then hesitate. Because love isn't something that grows instantly. Maybe it does. Maybe if it's with the right person. I love you. But maybe you don't have to say those words. Maybe it's a "wear a seatbelt" or a "eat lunch with me" or someone offers you their cookie. Maybe it's in the little things too, not just the big three words that define so much.

-

Jo had a feeling she knew why Alex's younger sister was standing in her loft. She had heard in the grapevine (Arizona) that Alex had lost and was losing his sister to social services.

The system was so corrupt. She had seen it time and time again. Too many kids. Not enough homes. The homes that were taking only did it for the check, not the child. They were abused, misused, and unloved.

If Amber Karev was there to ask for her help, she was damn straight going to give it to her.

"Hi, Amber. What's up?" Jo started.

Amber swallowed. "I need your help. And I know you and Alex have a history but if you tell him I'm here it will ruin everything for both of us. You told me you lived out of your car. Is there something like that that I could do? I didn't want to take any money from Alex, so I have like three hundred bucks... my emergency money. I think that is enough to buy a clunker. And if I got a job, waitressing or whatever, that would be enough for food and saving. And when I turn eighteen I can go back to Alex. I know it sounds crazy-"

"It's not crazy." Jo started, cutting her off. She sat down on the edge of her couch. "You're right. But you can't live out of your car." She had had her car windows smashed, her safety violated, and all of her money stolen. She was not going to let that happen to this kid.

"It's not like I can afford anything else!" Amber argued back.

Jo didn't hesitate in her next statement. "Stay here with me."

Amber's eyebrows dropped. Why were all of the people on the west coast, both Seattle and LA, so nice to her? They were willing to feed her and put a roof over her head even though they didn't know her. Mer. Jo. All because she was Alex's family. Alex meant so much to everyone there. "Jo, I know I came here for your help, but that's too much."

"It's what you just said, you came here for my help, and this is me helping you. No buts."

-

Meredith practically ran up the steps to Joel's apartment, banging on the door. A pale and sick looking Cassie answered the door. She looked at the woman standing there in shock.

Meredith didn't hesitate in throwing her arms around the young adult. Cassie lost it, beginning to sob. "I missed you so much. I thought that if I did this, everything would be okay. But it's not."

"I am so proud of you." Meredith simply said.

"For what? I manipulated Joel and you because I thought it would work. I am such an idiot and now you're never going to let me come back." She was blubbering! She didn't cry, not really, and she was sobbing like she was in a coming of age movie!

"You were willing to sacrifice your own happy ending for Amber's. You are just like me, kid. And you know what?"

"What?" She hiccuped. She was a blubbering idiot at this point, with tears quickly streaming down her face.

"Nothing you do is going to make me not want you to come home, do you understand that? You have to hear me. Sometimes I think you're fine because you're all grown up, and I think you think that you're always supposed to be fine. I used to say the exact same thing about myself. Do you know what I learned? It's okay to not be fine sometimes. Scream at me. Cry. Ask for hugs. Whatever you need. But don't leave. And don't ever think that I or anyone else is going to love you less anytime something doesn't go right."

-
Alex woke up the next morning dreading it and life in its entirety. He knew that a social worker was going to ring their doorbell to take Cassie and whisk her onto an airplane to Iowa. If it were up to him, he would have slept next to her like when she was little and had nightmares. She would cling to him and fall asleep. He knew, however, that this was a real nightmare, one that didn't go away once she opened her eyes. It was a nightmare that he couldn't protect her from.

He knocked on the door to the attic around 7:30 with a plate of pancakes and a glass of chocolate milk in his hands. He knew it wasn't enough to fix what was happening, but it was all he could do at that point.

At the lack of a response, he opened the door slowly, not sure at all what he was going to find. He found two made beds, Amber's side of the room completely desolate, with the majority of Cassie's stuff thrown on the bed as though she was trying to put it all in one place.

On Amber's nightstand was a quickly written note, with a Grey Sloan Memorial pen thrown nearby that had written it.

Dear  Alex, Mer and everyone else-

I am running. Don't try and find me. I love you.

- Amber

Those last three words struck Alex hard. Those three words could mean everything or they could mean nothing. He had learned that the hard way. The younger Karevs never said those words. They didn't say them unless they meant them wholeheartedly. Amber loved him, even though he had failed her. The last person he had said those words to was Jo.

Huh.

By eight o'clock, Alex was knocking on the wood outside his former loft. He loved Jo, he knew he did, and yet there was so much going on with Mer and his sister that she had gotten thrown to the side. Meredith had said that she had come many times to check on him while he was in the hospital with Mer, despite the fact that they were complicated. He wanted to make things right with her. He just didn't have the right words yet.

"Jo?" He pushed the door over. "I need to talk to you."

Jo smiled at him nervously from where she was lounging on her bed, as though she had been caught in the act of sleeping with someone despite being fully clothed.

"Amber is missing. She ran away. You were a foster kid on the run, do you know where she could have gone?" He was nervous, he was pacing around the loft as though it would help the answers to come quicker. "I just don't know what to do."

"Alex..." she started. "Maybe this is better for her."

"How is her being on the streets better than her being with us?"

"Because if she's on the streets, she can age out of the system. She can come back to you. Social services stops caring about runaways after a while. And she's very close to aging out of the system. Once she ages out, no one can take her from you again."

"You sound like you're happy she's gone."

"I know what she's thinking. And she has a valid point. I love you, Alex, why would I want to take her away from you?"

"Wait. What did you say?"

"I love you."

And then their lips met, reuniting after a long time. There had been so much. Jo didn't want to blow Amber's cover, despite the fact she was hiding underneath the bed that they were having a makeout session on. She needed to stop him before Amber got a full show.

"Alex." She pulled him off of her. "We should go to check the hospital. She could be there."

"Why would Amber go to the hospital? Everyone there would recognize her."

"Maybe we should go and talk to Bailey. Maybe she'll help you. Give you a couple of days off. Alex, you need to relax. We're going to find her."

Jo had been told she was good at lying. She just hoped it was true. If she did this right, he wouldn't be seeing her.

Alex's phone rang at that moment. He growled before putting it to his ear.

"Mr. Karev, I am outside of your residence, and no one is home. There was an agreement that I would collect Amber today at this time. Not following this could mean legal troubles for you."

"She ran away because she was terrified of you people. What if she gets hurt? Or killed? She could-" His voice cracked. He was literally at the verge of tears. Karevs didn't cry. 

The social worker's voice was a little more sympathetic than it had been before. Maybe she realized she had made a mistake. "Mr. Karev..."

"Please help me."

-

Meredith found her niece in her bed, completely covered in blankets. She was worried. Her niece had completely retracted. It had been three days since she'd come home, and she'd barely come out.

She didn't know why her niece was so shaken by this. It wasn't the worst thing she'd seen, it wasn't even close. Was it the guilt that she felt from hurting Meredith? Was it the guilt from losing Amber? Hurting Joel? Were all of these things eating at her?

How did she not see it before?

She let herself into Cassie's room. She had tried to respect her wishes of being left alone, but this was getting to be too much. Maybe she was waiting for Meredith to come to her? Cassie was usually not this high maintenance, it was a little worrisome, to say the least.

"Cassie. We need to talk. You're not okay."

Cassie didn't respond. Meredith inched a little closer to the bed in the corner.

"I think you were scared. You were scared of feeling happy when Amber was losing her family and you thought you didn't deserve this because Amber didn't have it. Because she didn't have a family, you thought you shouldn't either. You're trying to convince yourself that you did this to help save Amber when you knew it wouldn't help the situation. And you lied to me. You lied to me, you didn't tell me how you were feeling, and you let it eat at you until you were on the verge of self-destruction. Not eating, not sleeping. You might not be self-harming, but you're harming yourself."

"I miss her." Cassie sobbed. Meredith turned to look at her. "I miss my mom, and I never met her. How is that possible? I just don't want to feel alone anymore."

"You are not alone. You are never alone, do you understand that? I am here. I'm always going to be here."

"You almost died." Cassie heard herself sob. She hadn't admitted out loud how truly shaken she was by her aunt's attack. She'd swallowed those feelings and put them away.

"What?"

"You got attacked at the hospital. You could have died, and then- and then I would have been left all alone."

Meredith understood at that moment. "I'm not going anywhere. I've survived way worse than that. I know I'm supposed to be here with you because fate brought you here to me."

Cassie didn't say anything else, only crawling so she could place her head into Meredith's lap. They sat there for a while in silence, Cassie just taking in her aunt's warmth.

"I love you." Cassie heard from beside her.

She had said those words once before to Mer. They had just slipped, and she had spent a lot of time overthinking it after that fact. Now she was hesitating in her response.

Maybe saying those three words is part of the journey. It's part of the risk of letting yourself love someone. And maybe when you and some person are meant to be together in some way, the words flow easier, risk and all. And those words can mean nothing or they can mean everything. They can be superficial or they can hold a history. I love you. I saw you grow and I am so proud. I love you. You're the closest thing I'll ever have to a second mom.

"I love you too," Cass responded.

Chapter Text

I often wonder how my aunt always seems to know what's going on. Let me rephrase. I know some of her history: the pieces and parts that I've been told. That her father was absent, and her mother was raising a scalpel instead of a daughter. I know she lost her husband to a semi-truck, her sister to a plane crash, and lots of tragedies. She delivered my cousin in an electric storm. She was held at gunpoint in her own hospital. By this point, nothing surprises her. Not really.

When she's thrown for a loop, like when I came around, she doesn't freak out. I knew she was surprised, I knew she had to take the time to accept me for being her dead sister's secret daughter. After all these things have thrown her for loops, she has learned to just accept this new challenge and go with it. I think that's what makes her such a great surgeon. I don't know if her mom was like that, if she had similar traits, but I'm sure she had the taking it all in stride passion that Meredith does. I hope that someday I will too.

Cassie slept until she couldn't sleep anymore. She tossed and turned, wrapping herself in her blankets in hopes of never having to get up. She didn't know how much time passed or what was going on in the rest of the house until a knock came at the door.

"Hey, Cassie? It's Alex."

Cassie shoved her blanket over her head in hopes of avoiding confrontation. "Come in."

Alex shifted his weight from foot to foot. His heart hadn't stopped pounding since he had found out his little sister was gone. "Mer told me what you did. I wanna say thanks for trying to get Amber back here even if you thought it meant giving up Mer. It means a lot. So I have to ask you if you know anything about where Amber might have gone."

"What do you mean? I thought she went back to Iowa with social services..." Cassie said, sitting up straight in her bed. Had she missed something?

"Mer didn't tell you? Cass, she ran away."

Cassie's heart dropped in her stomach. Was that what Mer wanted to tell her before? She'd been so selfish, wallowing when Amber and Alex needed her. She was ashamed of herself. "No, she didn't. Have you been looking? I want to help!"

"Thanks, Cass." Cass had no idea. Unless she knew more than she was letting on... if that was the case, she would crack eventually.

-

Meredith took the day off. She knew that going into work would be a shitty thing to do to her person, even though she was fairly certain she had put the pieces together. Alex was too close to see it for himself, and Cass was wallowing. She knew, however, when Jo took the day off.

"Meredith slid the door to the loft open without knocking. "You know where she is, don't you?"

Jo came running from the bathroom, startled by the intrusion. She was standing in her pajamas. "What? I don't know what you're talking about. Who? Amber? I told you I don't-"

Meredith held up her hand to silence her. "You met her. You told her you were just like her. I know that. Alex doesn't. Did you talk to her? Tell her you would help her? What if she gets caught? They could throw her in juvie. Haven't you met enough foster kids in the hospital? The ones that are bruised but won't say anything? The ones that are supposed to be in County because they're considered dangerous but don't say a word while they're in the hospital because they're terrified of whatever they're running from?"

Jo realized her cover had been blown and stomped her foot in frustration. Mer has grown up privileged. She didn't get it. "Mer! I was that kid! I never got caught. But things were different then. Now it's a different game. Kids who run get caught within a couple of days. They get labeled as trouble even if they're not. They get sold as prostitutes and they're never the same. She wanted to live in a car as I did. I wasn't going to let her do that. So yes, I know where she is. But I am not going to tell you because then you're withholding information. And you can't tell Alex. Alex can't know. He could get in trouble for disobeying orders from social services."

"Of course not. But he is going to be upset that you knew this whole time. And what about me? I'm his best friend. He's going to be-"

"You're protecting both of them. Besides, it's only a couple more months until Amber ages out of the system. Once she turns eighteen, she's free to live here and finish high school and go to college. It's a solid plan."

"It is. If you don't get caught."

"We won't."

"I know she's under the bed. The blanket has been breathing this whole time. You need a better hiding spot."

Amber emerged from under the bed. She ran at Mer to hug her. "I didn't know what else to do. I can't let them take me Mer!"

"You're okay, that's what matters. But you can't stay here. You need somewhere else that's safe."

"Where?"

"The trailer. I'll tell Owen I need it back temporarily for Maggie... to, um, have some alone time. It's under his name now, they shouldn't be able to investigate it. We'll put it in the trailer park that's a couple of streets down from us. You're not alone in this. You don't deserve any of what has happened to you. We are not letting them take you away from us."

Amber just let Meredith hug her, and the lump that had been sitting in her stomach slightly lifted.

-

Cassie had a hunch. Well, she always had hunches cause that was what came with an intellectual mind, but the pieces kept fitting together. Meredith had left earlier to go see Jo, then she'd gone to the hospital to talk to Owen, and then back to Jo's.

She and Jo had never been close. As far as she knew, Mer had mixed feelings about Jo because she was so protective of Alex. And that made some sense. She'd heard about the cancer wife who left him.

They really had a lot of stories.

She'd gotten bits and pieces. The iPad that the kids used had the tracking app- all of them were on it, little dots with their heads. They'd gotten it installed when they'd all been together in case of emergency. Mer had gone to Jo's, then to the hospital, then back to Jo's, then to a trailer park a couple of blocks away.

She didn't know if Mer was trying to hide what she was doing from her and if she remembered the app existed and was on, but Cass was confused. These weren't normal Meredith places. Add the fact that Amber's tracking had gone dead and confused the app, and Cass was just sad.

It was then she realized what an idiot she was for not piecing it together before.

"Hey, Cass... can I have the iPad back?" Came Zola, with Ellis and Bailey hovering nearby. She was on babysitting duty, and she didn't mind in the slightest, but it meant she couldn't go confirm her suspicions until there was another adult home. Maggie was at the hospital, Mer was doing her thing, and Alex was somewhere freaking out about Amber.

She would just have to wait.

-

Meredith pushed the cart through Costco, her person's teenager quiet on her right. She'd said she wanted to come, but hadn't said many words since they'd gotten into the car together. "So... I'm not the biggest expert on how this works, but can't you get caught for being out in the open?"

"We're standing in the middle of Costco. I'm wearing a hat and jacket. The thing is, that no police officer is going to be wandering through Costco looking for runaways. Relax, Mer. Also, it's my butt on the line here." Amber mumbled back, not angry, but not exactly warm either. She was terrified. She'd lived this life for a long time, but being a fugitive for lack of better words, made her uncomfortable. Meredith's determination was helping to calm her nerves, but it wasn't completely kosher yet.

She'd never been to juvie or run away from a home, except that last time with good reason. That wasn't who she was. She wanted to do good, but she'd never gotten the chance. They'd never given her the chance.

Stocking the trailer was the goal, but Amber couldn't see eating. She felt weird. She felt like she was floating. Not going anywhere with her life, not moving towards a life where she wasn't running.

Meredith dumped all kinds of microwave dinners, things you could microwave or put in the oven with minimal chance of burning, into the cart. Amber looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"You're not starving on my watch." She shrugged.

"The freshmen fifteen you're setting me up for isn't a great goal either." Amber chuckled. She appreciated Mer more than words could describe. Was this what having a mom felt like? Someone supporting you all the time, even when you were running away from the law? The only flaw with Mer was that she had the emotional range of a teaspoon when it came to herself. She seemed very prepared to take care of others. It was what she did best.

They'd gone back to the trailer in silence, unloading the car onto the counter. Amber had thrown her duffel bag of life onto the bed and left it there unopened and dumped microwave dinner after microwave dinner into the freezer. She didn't say anything else to Mer otherwise she was afraid she would find herself begging Mer to stay with her so she didn't have to be alone. She couldn't do that. That wasn't her. And Meredith had to go back to her own life.

Meredith just put a hand up in goodbye before letting the door to the trailer close.

Amber flopped backward on the bed.

-

Meredith had come home a couple of hours later. She saw Cassie sitting at the kitchen table feeding Ellis and supervising as her two cousins ate their mac and cheese. Maggie had gotten caught doing something and Alex was still dealing with the fact that his little sister had disappeared somewhere.

"Hey." Meredith greeted. Her two kids jumped up to hug her. Cassie smiled and handed her Ellis when she was close enough, not really sure what to say to her aunt. She was awfully calm.

Maybe her hunch was right, and she was going to confirm it that night.

Meredith sat down next to her niece, holding her baby daughter and bouncing her with a playful expression. "Alex told you, didn't he? That she's gone."

"Yeah." Cassie got up to put some of the plates in the sink and begin to wash them, mostly so she didn't have to look at Meredith during this conversation.

"Sorry I didn't tell you. I just knew how upset you were by this whole thing. Do you want to talk about it?"

Cassie turned off the water as she threw the three plates into the dishwasher. "I... I can't right now Mer. It's too much. It..." She did feel weird. "It feels like it's my fault, and I know you're going to say that it is not, but..."

"But you're still going to feel guilty. I know."

"Can I go for a drive? I want to clear my head." Cassie asked, walking up to her aunt. Her aunt nodded and motioned to where she had thrown her keys. 

She nodded before taking the keys and heading out. She found the trailer park with no problem, and then pulled out the picture of the trailer with her uncle and Mark grinning in front of it. Fishing escapade around ten years prior. They looked happy. Mer and Lexie were probably drinking tequila at Mer's at the exact time this photo was taken.

She found the trailer she was looking for. Plates matched, and she had had a hunch.

"Hello?"

A head peeked through the window. The door opened. Cassie was right.

"You're here! I was wondering why Mer left and went to Costco and spent a boatload of money... she's stocking the trailer for you! You're gonna live here until you turn eighteen! But what if you get caught?"

"It's been 48 hours. As long as I stay under the radar, I'm fine. They're not actively looking for me anymore. That's not how this system works. They raided Jo's loft. I'm surprised they didn't find me hiding in the bathroom cabinet."

"How did Mer find out? Did you contact her? What about Alex? He's worried sick."

"He can't know. It's bad enough that Jo and Mer know. They're withholding information from child protective services as well as harboring a technical fugitive."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Sit here and watch a crap ton of Netflix. There isn't much more I can do."

"That's going to get boring really quickly. Can I make a suggestion? Write. Do art. Study."

"Study what? I can't exactly go to school."

"Call me a nerd, but I was thinking on the way over here. We're in the same grade, in all the same classes. I could bring you all the material, and you could read and do the assignments and when you turn 18 you can go to our dumb school and make sure you graduate with our class. We graduate together. And wherever you want to go after that, I will support you. You deserve this."

"Cass, that sounds very optimistic and all that, but how do you know that they're just going to let me graduate? The amount of school I'm missing is kind of truancy."

"We are going to make this happen. I have connections, okay?" She walked out of the trailer out to Mer's car and came back with a stack of books.

"You have got to be kidding me."

Chapter Text

With the help of my brother, I was able to avoid being placed into foster care for the majority of my life. He took care of me and taught me enough to survive on my own. That being said, I did spend a little time in foster care. I met a girl. She'd lost both her parents when she was young. She'd spent her whole life running. Running from child protective services. Running from anyone who wanted to love her because it had never worked out. Running from anything that would crack open the hard shell she had built around herself. She felt like she was all alone. She'd ran towards drugs to escape.

She'd met a cross country runner at the high school we had all gone to. She started running. I guess the runner's high had helped her to feel a little bit freer. She told me that she had learned that you need to run away from the person you were towards the person you want to be. You have to run from the darkness into the light. You need to stop running from all the things that scare you and face them.

Months went by. Alex wanted to take a leave of absence but couldn't find anything other than work that distracted him. He'd failed her. He'd failed her, and she was suffering for it.

He'd eventually moved back in with Jo per her persistent begging. Meredith seemed unusually fine with that decision, even Cassie. She muttered the 'I just want you to be happy' line and hugged him goodbye.

It was like they all knew something he didn't.

And then April 24th rolled around. It was unusual how, for the longest time, Alex wouldn't even think twice about this day. He'd assume she was fine. Not great, but not terrible either.

He wanted to stay home and lay around sadly all day. Of course, he went to work instead.

Meredith strolled up to him later during the day. She'd looked at him and smiled sadly. "I'm sure when the time is right, she'll come back to you. Hasn't enough disaster happened for you to know that everything happens for a reason, even if it's a dark and twisted one?"

"Today is her eighteenth birthday. And I don't know if she's dead or alive or in a ditch somewhere. She ran because I couldn't protect her. That was my job, and I failed." He walked away from Mer, not angry, more confused by the fact that she didn't get it.

Jo walked up, "he's going to hate us once he finds out."

Mer nodded. "We did the right thing."

It was hours later when Jo and Alex were watching tv in the loft. Jo was nervous; she knew what was coming to some extent shortly. It would all blow up in her face. She knew Alex wasn't going to hurt her, realistically, but years of a life he could never know about still rang fresh in her mind.

She was afraid of what would happen when he found out that she had known. If she found out, that was.

There was a knock at the door. Alex growled in displeasure from where he sat cuddled on the couch with Jo. He hadn't wanted to go outside today, not that anyone blamed him. He'd taken the 'acceptance' thing as well as could be expected. At least he hadn't begun throwing punches.

"Come in!" The couple shouted, knowing that Meredith had said she would come by.

The door slid open, but it wasn't Meredith. It was a now legal, now free Amber. She felt alive, she felt better than ever. She felt like since she'd survived, there was possibility. The possibility for a new life and a career and a dog and a family. "Alex."

He looks up. His younger sister is standing there, alive and well. She wasn't skinnier if anything she looked more lively. She looked happy. "Where have you been?" Alex asked. "I've been so worried about you! It's been months! I thought the police were going to call and tell me they found your body in a ditch somewhere!"

She made eye contact with Jo. "I met some people that let me crash with them for a while. I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't want you to get in trouble for me." Amber muttered, happy that she was finally eighteen and finally free.

Alex felt the weight that was on his chest for the last few months disappear. She was free.

He was free too.

-

"Ms. Grey?"

Cassie looked up from the chemistry book she'd been leaning against. She had been spacing, thinking about more about college and graduation. The vice-principal for student activities hovered above where she was sitting. Her face went a little red.

"Yes, Mr. Francis?"

"Are you aware that your teachers selected you to give the speech at graduation this year? Have you given any thought to what it is you might write about? Med academy? Your aunt, perhaps? Your story is a very unique one."

Who was this guy? He must have been way behind on his school news because she had been selected, wrote her speech, and made her decision. She had her decision agreed upon by the actual principal whose opinion mattered.

"I'm not giving the speech this year. You want to know why? Because Amber Karev's story needs to be heard. People need to hear how damaged the system we are living in is. My story is great, sure, but Amber's is the one that needs to be heard. I'll proofread, don't worry."

"Ms. Grey, you can't just.."

"I talked to the principal. She agreed with me." He growled, walking away upset that he had been overpowered by a teenage white girl. Cassie, on the other hand, was proud she'd stood up to someone for what seemed like the first time.

-

"And you're sure everything is in order?" Amber asked, literally on the edge of her seat. The principal flipped through her paperwork with a raised eyebrow. What she had done was unusual. She was pretty sure she'd bent the system.

"Yes, Ms. Karev. You did everything you needed to graduate. It was very unconventional, sure, but you did fulfill all graduation requirements. Not only that, but you contacted all of your teachers to ask them to give you exams in hopes that it would shed a light on the fact that you value your education. You certainly do. You scored almost perfectly on all of them."

Amber let out a deep breath of relief. She knew she had gotten lucky. She'd missed months of school on end. It was a miracle, one that she wasn't even sure was possible until now. She was fairly certain someone had paid the school off to let her graduate, but she wasn't going to argue.

"Ms. Karev, are you aware that Cassie Grey volunteered you to give a speech at graduation?"

"You did what?" Was the first thing to come out of Amber's mouth once she saw her little devil sister in the hallway. "What the hell were you thinking? I can't stand in front of a bunch of people and tell them all my crap? There's no way in hell."

Cassie briefly looked frightened before her face returned to the one of determination that it almost always wore these days. College acceptance had certainly done its number on her. Junior standing, early acceptance to all of the medical schools because of her last name. "Amber, you have to tell the world your story. People need to know how faulty the system is. There is no one else here that can tell that story. Someday, people are going to know you as the person who changes the foster care system for good! Violet would want you to do it."

Amber's heart hurt a little at the mention of Violet. She hadn't talked to her in months. She was afraid that if she knew what had happened, she would rat the girl out to the authorities. She'd written about Betsy in her book. They'd let her get sucked into that system like trash. She missed her. "You don't know what she would want. She let her own co-worker's son get sucked into the system."

"People do things that no one understands. We should know that better than anyone. Look where we ended up."

"I'm terrible at talking in front of people. I might pass out or something. It's a terrible idea."

"You're stronger than you think, Amb. Look at what you've achieved."

Amber growled. "Fine." She began walking in the other direction, "but you're spelling and grammar checking me you grammar nazi!"

-

Amber and Cassie had stood together for what seemed like the whole morning. It was when they lined up to walk that the girls had to separate. Because they didn't have the same last names, they had ended up a couple of rows apart. Amber also got to sit on the stage until she made her speech, which she was terrified about. Cassie eagerly gave her the thumbs up. Once it was her time to speak, she stood up, smoothed her gown off, and walked towards the microphone. She made eye contact with Alex, who smiled, and Meredith, who gave her a proud look.

"My name is Amber Karev. For those of you who don't know my story, I was raised by a schizophrenic mother and my father left when I was barely alive. My brother was the one who raised me. He fed me and kept me clean and made sure I was as happy as I could be in a situation as dire as the one we found ourselves in. We had no control or choice in who our parents were. But we do have control and a choice in who we become. My brother left to go to medical school when I was young. At the time, I didn't understand why he was leaving me, why he was choosing to become just like our father. I didn't understand he was going to learn how to save lives. Today, my brother is a pediatric surgeon and chief of pediatrics at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. And what happened to me? I was put in foster care.

Too many homes to count. Ones that abused me and took things away from me that I can never get back. The foster care system is a black hole that swallows all innocence and youth from the children within it. It is not the system's fault. It's the fault of how the people enforce the system. I ran away from home to find my brother because I was almost beat to death. I was taken from my brother sometime later because they deemed him unworthy of taking care of me. I had to hide until I turned eighteen. The reason I'm standing on this stage is that while I was hiding, I read. I learned. On my eighteenth birthday, I walked into this school and demanded to graduate on time. I have the right to an education, don't I? I passed every single class with flying colors. Before I came to Seattle, I never did a single piece of homework. I didn't believe there was a place for me out there. I didn't think I had a chance to become anything other than a washed-up adult orphan. So what is the lesson I'm trying to teach you? You are capable of more than you know. You can do anything you set your mind to. And, you have to fight for what you believe in. You have to fight for the chance to succeed and live and dream and be whatever it is you want to be. To my class, I thank you for showing me that anything is possible."

The group applauded as Amber bounced back to her seat on the stage. The principal replaced her at the mike. "Ms. Karev will attend the University of Washington in Seattle next year."

"That's my sister!" Alex screamed; Amber cheekily smiled back at him. Cassie applauded from where she was sitting in the graduate chairs. She wasn't listening to the speaker; she'd proofread the speech and helped Amber practice it for the whole week.

"- and here to present the award is no other than our very alum, Chief of General Surgery at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, Dr. Meredith Grey."

Wait. What?

Her aunt was now up on the stage, wearing the same thing she had been wearing earlier when they'd split in the main hallway. She cleared her throat, speaking into the mike. "It seemed like just yesterday I was walking through these halls with pink hair. I was a different person then. I could agree we were all different people then. More carefree and willing to take risks. Around five years later, my younger sister Lexie Grey walked these halls. We didn't know of each other. We didn't know we were even related; we didn't know that we walked the same halls. My sister went on to become a surgeon, saving countless lives alongside me.

Her life was tragically ended when a plane crashed on the way to a medical facility in Idaho. My mother was also a surgeon, the only woman in her intern year, and the only resident to win two Harper Avery Awards. Her life was ended when she lost her battle with Alzheimer's. Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital along with the Harper Avery Foundation has agreed to begin a scholarship in my sister's and my mother's honor... the Grey Scholarship for students intending to pursue a degree in medicine. And who other to receive it for the very first time than my very own niece, Cassandra Grey."

Let her repeat that one more time. Wait... what?

Her mouth dropped open in shock. She just stared back at her aunt, who smiled widely back at her. "Come up here Cassie."

Cassie, stunned, rose to get out of the row she was sitting in, towards the stage, and up the steps. She's handed a trophy and a check. She hugs her aunt. She stares at the audience. Thousands of people on both sides of the gym.

She smiled before sitting down.

-

They threw their caps into the air and retreated from the gym into the field-house to receive their diplomas and meet up with their families. They grabbed their little pieces of paper before spotting Alex, Meredith, and Maggie walking into the field-house, each clutching one of Meredith's tiny humans. Zola let go of Meredith's hand the minute she saw Cassie and went running, crashing into her.

"PIC! You did it!"

Cassie smiled, hugging her back. "I can't wait to see you with one of these," she motioned to the Highest Honors sash that she wore around her neck. Amber smiled, running over to Meredith to hug her. "You did it, kid." Cassie came next, also crashing into her aunt, almost knocking her over. "I'm so proud of you both," she grinned, holding both of her girls until Zola came crashing into her leg.

"Group hug!"

When they pulled away, Amber noticed someone out of the corner of her eye. She thought she was making it up. It was ironic, she'd thought of the woman a lot. She'd seen her in person one time, and yet they had a connection. Or, at least, she thought they did.

"I liked your speech. You've done so well."

"Thank you."

-

The massive party at Meredith's afterward might have been overkill. Amber and Cassie might have not wanted that party at all. "Invite the doctors" they had said, and they were fairly certain the whole hospital was in their house.

Cassie was hiding outside, swinging on the swing, when Amber came out clutching two beers. At Cassie's disapproving eyebrow, Amber just laughed. "Alex said we could. Besides, we deserve it after the year we've had."

"Yeah. You ran across the country to find your brother."

"At least I didn't come from a foreign island claiming to be caring for my grandfather and crashed a car on the way to finding your aunt."

"Touche."

Chapter Text

The multiverse theory says there is an infinite number of parallel worlds in our universe. That would mean that each decision we make creates another slightly different world. Each decision we make or path we take changes us slightly.

I stopped to wonder what the person I would have become would have been. Life is just a bunch of what ifs.

What if. What if. I realized though, that the person I would have become would have been nothing like the person that I am. I wouldn't have met the people that became my family, I wouldn't have met the people that changed me for better or for worse. Each and every person I've met has made some sort of an impact on my life, whether good or bad. The bad times shaped me into a better person. I've become tougher. I'd like to hope I've become wiser. I made memories. The good people. So, we'll never know. We can imagine, but we'll never know what could have been, had we gone left instead of right. Turned instead of going straight. Spoke what was on our mind instead of holding it in. What if. What if?

"Tell Meredith I love her, and that she was a good sister."

Lexie wheezed. She could feel her body shutting down. She could hear Mark talking to her, saying that they were meant to be. But she just thought of her baby girl. Of the baby girl she was never going to meet. Why didn't she try harder? To find her girl. She was dying for god's sake.

She'd closed her eyes for maybe five seconds until she could feel someone else grasping at her hand. "Lex? Lex? Do you hear me?" Oh god, it was Meredith! Her big sister was there, muttering a bunch of medical terms to Mark, the ones about her condition. Pneumothorax. Her body ceasing function. A punctured lung.

Meredith. She needed to tell Meredith. Open your eyes, Grey.

"Mer-mer..." She wheezed. Her sister squeezed her hand in response.

"I'm here, Lex."

"Mer..." here it goes. Wheeze. "I have a daughter. She...she's... twelve or thirteen now. My...my... parents wouldn't let me... keep... her. Please...find..."

Mer just nodded. "Okay. I got you. I always will." Oh god, Meredith was crying. She was crying about her baby sister crushed by a plane. When they'd met, Lexie didn't think her sister was capable of crying, and there she was, crying over her.

A sudden wind blowing over Meredith caused her to look ahead. "Oh my god. We're saved!" She glanced back down at Lexie. "Don't quit on me now. You're not dying today. Understand?"

-/-

"Lexie!" Meredith screamed, clutching Bailey in her arms. She heard the thud of the stairs and then her kid sister turned that corner with Zola right behind her.

"What?"

"We're gonna be late." Meredith tried to shepherd her kids towards the car with Lexie right behind her. The two of them funneled the kids in the back before pulling out of the driveway.

It was a couple years later, and Lexie had completely forgotten about the secret she'd spilled under the plane. That is to say she forgot she told Meredith. She thought about it every day but fell into the rhythm that it was too late to do anything.

The two of them took the tiny humans to daycare before commencing their rounds. Big Grey and Little Grey marched down the hospital stairs, now in dark blue scrubs and their jackets. Seattle Grace Mercy West was in the works of being refinanced, if what they were saying was true their hospital would soon be a Catherine Fox one. They wanted to call it Sloan Memorial... Lexie's throat choked at the thought.

Amelia popped up, handing a tablet to the nurse behind the desk. "Did you have a chance to look at the scans I sent you?"

"Not yet. Show me now." Lexie shrugged. She was the chief of neurosurgery, but a lot of times she liked working with Amelia. Their crazy geniuses went together well. Amelia seemed frazzled. She had for the last couple days. "Is this about Owen again?" Lexie asked with a raised eyebrow.

"He asked me if we could talk..."

Meredith coughed in disapproval, and Lexie went back to studying the scans in front of her. "Look, I know you disapprove but come on! I think there's something between us."

"Yeah. But it's not chemistry. It's like pent up frustration." Lexie cried out, annoyed. "You need to stop feeding the bear or you'll never move on!"

"Speaking of moving on, how about you? Anyone new?" Amelia said with a smirk, almost chuckling at Lexie. Lexie frowned. Meredith just rolled her eyes.

-/-

"Ellis Grey was my mother."

Here was this girl, this young doctor, this Maggie Pierce, telling her that she was her sister. Meredith didn't want any more sisters. She had enough. She kept losing them to the point that it was just easier. Izzie. Cristina.

There was Lexie, her best friend, her person since Cristina left literally two minutes ago, and Amelia, who she was working on loving, and Cristina, who left her. And there was her other biological sister that she'd met like twice, but we didn't count her.

"I can't do this." She bumbled away, going to hide and avoid this cardio surgeon for as long as she could.

"Mer. What's up?" Came Alex, following her down the hall and she practically sprinted.

She didn't respond, just kept walking. Alex followed, and soon Lexie popped up, confused as to why Alex was quite literally chasing Meredith down the hospital halls. He eventually grabbed her, forcing her to stop.

"Hey! What's wrong?" Came Lexie, finally catching up to them. "Mer?" One look at Lexie, and Mer started crying. Both Alex and Lexie looked at each other in concern. Meredith never cried. The last time she cried was... when she'd been under the plane. Sisterhood and all that. It suddenly clicked.

Lexie gave Alex a look before slowly dragging Meredith down the hall and into the nearest open and abandoned lounge she could find. She plopped her crying sister down and just stared.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

God. I'm losing it. The dark and twisty is finally getting to me.

"Meredith!"

You could have died that day. I don't know what I would have done if you did. You were crushed there, under that plane. You're my sister, and I'm so sorry I treated you so bad in the beginning. You're my sister, not that Pierce girl.

"That plane crash could have killed me. With the injuries I had, it's a miracle I survived. I knew the odds. Screw them."

Meredith had run off to find Derek and left her there under the plane. Lexie honestly thought she'd never see her big sister again. And had almost given up. But then she thought about Mark and Meredith, and suddenly Meredith was there holding her hand with Mark.

And she'd been so close to death for days. She'd been confined to a hospital for months. And Meredith had been at her side, especially when she lost Mark.

The five survivors had become a close-knit group, with Cristina and Mer being her two closest friends. Then Cristina left and Derek was in DC all the time and suddenly it was just Arizona and Lexie and Mer. And she wouldn't have it any other way, honestly.

Meredith replayed that day like a movie tape, day after day. Constant reminding. Not as often as right after it happened because more trauma had been added to her plate, but sometimes it did, like whenever she got on a plane or her sister gave her this one look. She remembered what her sister had asked her. And she'd done it. She knew where the girl was. But she didn't know if her sister could handle that. Mark had died, and she'd been depressed for almost a year. Mer had kept the tabs open.

Lexie, on the other hand, didn't remember that she'd told Mer. She had a photographic memory, but it turned out that sometimes it kicked off when you were dying. Why she felt like bringing it up then, she didn't know. Maybe it was the "secret" sister thing making it feel relevant.

"I have a secret daughter, Mer, so I, uh, get it?" Wow. Could she have made this anymore awkward? Why did she just say that? She needed to slap herself in the face.

Before she could overthink it some more, Meredith narrowed her eyes. "I know. You told me."

"I did?"

"...when you were under the plane." Meredith plopped down in one of the chairs, fiddling her fingers nervously. "We don't have to talk about this if you're just trying to distract me. It's okay, Lex."

"I know it's not the same thing, but these people... your sister, my daughter. They're our blood, even though they've been separated from us for so long. I mean, you didn't make that choice, but I did. You have the choice to be her sister now."

"Are you sure you're okay with it? I can tell her to get lost. I already have you." Mer couldn't believe she just said that. The fact that she was worried her sisters were going to be jealous over her attention was appalling. She was never supposed to be a sister. She grew up an only child for goodness sake.

Lexie just started laughing, "sometimes I forget how dark and twisty you are. You're allowed to love more than one sister, Mer. It's the same thing as loving me and Cristina at the same time, now it's just me... and Maggie... and probably Amelia too."

Meredith scoffed. "I would take Maggie Pierce over Hurricane Amelia any day."

"But that's the thing about sisters. You don't have to like them because you love them. And even if they mess up or try to feed you something you're allergic to, you love them anyway because they're your family. Haven't I given you this lecture enough times?"

Meredith smirked at her. "You'll always be more bright and shiny than me, Lex. But you're right." She leaned back in the chair, and they sat in silence for a while. "I think I'll talk to Maggie, but if she's a creep I'm running her off by feeding her something she's allergic to." Lexie glared but nodded in approval, "And Lex, it's not too late for you and Cassie either."

"Cassie?"

Meredith smiled. "Your daughter. Her name is Cassandra, but she goes by Cassie."

"Mer..."

"You asked me to find her, and I did. But I didn't want to tell you because then Mark died, and you weren't okay. I wanted to wait until the right time. It wouldn't have been right to try and meet her when you could barely get out of bed. And I knew you would bring her up when you were ready. She's here in Seattle, in a foster home. She's quiet, but she's really smart. Photographic memory."

"Did you... go see her?" Lexie was speechless. She couldn't believe Mer had done all of that and hadn't said anything. She felt the tears falling down her cheeks. Her baby.

Mer shook her head. She felt bad about that every day. That kid was her family too, and she'd left her in a broken system, a system she'd seen fail kids day after day. They'd come in with bruises and marks that were under the skin that wouldn't ever go away. And she'd left her to rot for Lexie's sake and her sake. Her and Derek were already having problems, they couldn't add another kid to the plate right now. "No. Because I knew if I saw her, I wouldn't be able to leave her there. And you weren't ready. Her social worker sent over a copy of her file. It's at home. I'll show it to you if you want. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Lexie was about to respond, until her pager went off. Right. She was working. It was Amelia. She needed her help with something. She tucked her phone back into her pocket and stood up, smoothing off her pants. "You need to talk to Maggie."

"You need to talk to Cassie." Came Mer's immediate response.

"One secret relative at a time! They come by the dozen in this family! Next Mark's lovechild with Addison Montgomery is going to show up here!"

Mer's face went flat. "Don't even joke about that. Izzie might have secret babies with Alex's sperm."

Lexie started laughing, hard. "I wouldn't even be surprised by that at this point."

-/-

It was the next day, and Lexie hadn't slept. She'd sat at the kitchen table, memorizing every piece of her daughter's file. Pictures. Case reports. Mer had sat by her for a few hours drinking her coffee and reading, but she'd eventually gone up to bed.

It was like looking at a picture of herself or looking at her twelve-year-old self in the mirror. The only difference was that the girl seemed to have no sense of light in her eyes. Her eyes looked sad, like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

She stared at the paperwork. She knew what she had to do, but she didn't know if she should. She could break that little girl's heart in two. But she couldn't ignore the constant running in her brain.

She was gonna do it.

At least she wasn't going to steal the kid like SOME people...

Hoodie pulled over her face, she drove to the address on the paperwork. The house was big but run down. It was like the people inside didn't bother to clean and just didn't care. She shuttered. Maybe she should have come sooner or tried harder... her brain fell into the loop trap once again. She shook it aggressively. She needed to stop.

She had the sudden urge to get out of her car and walk. Pace, maybe, given the amount of stress she felt like she was under. She slammed the door of her car and moved onto the sidewalk. It wasn't like the girl was here or was going to suddenly appear-

Oh.

Walking in her direction was a scrawny little thing. Definitely underweight. Skinny. Ripped jeans and a green sweater, both definitely secondhand. Backpack thrown over one shoulder, chocolate brown hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. The sky suddenly rumbled, and she yanked her hood over her head.

Lexie just stared, frozen in place. The girl was lost in her own thoughts, not even paying attention to what was in front of her. She did that sometimes, just imagining what life would be like if she hadn't been left out like the trash. It was the loop that ran through her head too many times a day, and granted, it needed to stop. This was her life.

Her eyes focused. Who was this person? She was wearing nice clothes, definitely not from this neighborhood. She glanced at the relatively new car a few feet behind her. Maybe she was with CPS. Maybe she was a perspective parent. They always took the other kids anyways.

Wait. Why was she just standing there? Staring at her? The rain started coming down quite aggressively, and she was getting soaked. Cassie kept walking, getting closer and closer and stopped.

Oh god, she'd know that face anywhere.

Cassie just stared. She wanted to walk past her and just go into the house and forget about it, but her feet wouldn't move. She was locked into a staring battle with her mom, her biological mother, who'd abandoned her.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. It was supposed to be a sunny day, and they were supposed to run into each other's arms and be whole again. Instead, she was standing in the rain getting soaked, and the woman wasn't saying anything.

Cassie took a deep breath, going back to her original plan. She walked past the woman and through the front gate and was almost to the door.

"I'm so sorry, Cassie. And you have every right to be angry at me."

She turned back around and just looked at the woman. She so wanted that fantasy she'd been playing out in her head for her whole life, that it had been a big misunderstanding and that her mother had looked for her, but she knew that wasn't the case. With one last look, she walked into the house and slammed the door behind her.

-/-

"She didn't say anything? And just, walked away? Did she know who you were?" Lexie sat across from Meredith and Derek at the kitchen table, eating dinner. Derek had gotten back from DC, but something told Lex he would be going back soon.

Lexie hadn't stopped crying since she'd gotten into her car, slamming the steering wheel in frustration. "I think she knew. Of course, she didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't fight to keep her when she was a baby."

Derek, ever the supportive of his sister-in-law, chimed in here between bites of dinner. "You were just a kid, Lex. You need to stop blaming yourself for that and start thinking about what you can do now. You can't give her back all those years, but you can start over."

"But she wants nothing to do with me. I wanted to say more, but nothing came out. All I said was that I was sorry."

"That's a start."

Lexie looked down at her meal, willing this conversation to be over. She didn't know what to do about any of it. "Did you talk to Maggie?" She asked, changing the subject.

Meredith and Derek looked at each other in silent communication before turning back to her. "Yeah. She's coming over for dinner next week. Richard is coming too. You better make plans while you still can."

Lexie stood up, putting her plate in the sink and picking up Zola as an excuse to get away from the dinner table. "I want to be here. If Maggie is your sister, then she's my sister too." She quickly dashed away to hang out with Zola in the nursery, so her sister's worried eyes would stop following her around.

Once the door slammed, Derek turned to Meredith. "You have to do something about Cassie. It's eating your sister alive. She stress ate a whole pizza while you were in the shower."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You have a legal claim to Cassie. You're her aunt."

"Derek, are you really telling me that with you flying to DC and staying there all the time that you think we should foster another kid? You were the one who said I picked up too many strays! We're not okay right now, and we don't need to drag that innocent girl into it."

"At least she'd be here with you." He purposely chose to avoid the DC comment. "Why don't you go meet her? You've known for years!"

"We weren't okay. We still aren't. And what if we get her hopes up for nothing? I don't want to hurt her like that. She deserves better."

"She's your family, Meredith. She's our family. And she deserves better. We can give her that." Of course, Derek the family man was going to be the one to say this.

Meredith frowned. "Fine."

-/-

There was another car parked in front of the run-down house the next day when Cassie was walking home from school. She'd stared out the window, waiting to see if her mom was going to knock on the door, but she'd gotten in her car, sat there for a while and then left.

There was no one in the car this time. Instead, the woman was sitting on her couch with her foster mom, who looked stoned as usual. At least she wouldn't hit while they had company.

"Cassandra!" Her F.M called after her when she tried to scurry up to her room. "This is your aunt."

The girl slinked back towards the two women. The lady looked nothing like her mom. She didn't see it. She hadn't seen it the first time. That, or she was just angry.

"Mrs. Smith, I'm wondering if it would be possible to talk to Cassandra alone for a few minutes? I know..."

"It's fine." In other words, she needed a smoke break from the conversation. She scurried away, lighter in hand, and the back door soon slammed.

"I'm Meredith Grey."

"I know who you are. Why are you here?"

God, this girl was as cold as her. She could see the similarities. She was physically a clone of Lexie, but the way she stood, the cold look in her eyes was all Meredith. Oh god, she wanted her so bad. She wanted to fix all the hurt and tell her that being dark and twisty was the wrong thing for a kid who had her whole life ahead of her.

"I was wondering, if maybe, you'd want to come live with me? I mean, I have to do all the legal things, but..."

"Why now? Does it have something to do with her being here yesterday?"

"Yes. She's worried that you don't want her after she left you. And that's valid. But she was just a kid. She didn't have a choice. You need to give her a chance."

Cassie blinked at her.

"She can't change what happened, but she can try to make up for it now. And you can stay with me for a while (not mentioning her mother lived there sometimes too), and then we'll take it from there, a step at a time. And I'll be with you every step of the way." Was that bright and shiny enough? Did she do it?

Was this it? Was this her new life in front of her face? Was she supposed to run towards it? It was definitely better than pothead foster mom and creepy foster dad. At least if they were surgeons, she could live in a nice house while being abused.

"Yes." She said a few moments later.

Meredith's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Yes? You wanna do it?"

Cassie nodded.

God, Meredith was so happy she could hug her! "Can I hug you?" Meredith asked before she could regret it. It was because she was a mother now, she reasoned, that she seemed so bright and shiny when it came to standing in front of this kid. She had her husband and her sister, and everything would be okay. Cassie furrowed her brow in confusion. Were hugs a normal part of the day for normal people? She shrugged and let her aunt hug her.

Wow. Hugs really were magical. She didn't want to let go. She could have just stood there for days, wrapped in the warmth.

And two weeks later, when she walked into Meredith's house to see her mother Lexie Grey sitting at the table, she considered the hugs and the new possibilities again.

"Hi."

-/-

Cassie woke with a start. That was an... interesting... dream to say the least. She slammed her finger onto her phone for it to light up in her face. It was 4 am, and there was no way she was going to fall asleep after all of that. Maybe it was just nerves. She was leaving for college in a couple days. That was it. She was just shaking off the idea of change.

She bounced down the stairs with her heart set on hot chocolate and kettle chips, maybe some reruns of Friends. She hoped no one else was awake because living in the "Full House" meant someone was ALWAYS awake.

Hot chocolate in hand and chips under her shoulder, she plopped down on the couch and flipped through to Friends. "We were on a break!" Monotone laughter. She crunched the chips with lack of amusement. Maybe there was too much 'dead mom' in the air to actually enjoy Schwimmer and Aniston right now.

She eventually fell asleep, chips in hand, and was gently woken up some time later by her aunt sitting down on the couch next to her. It must have still been early because the house was still quiet. "Did you sleep down here?"

"Mhm." She sleepily mumbled.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Not particularly. She straightened herself, snuggling the blanket around her. It was cold down here, and the couch was lumpy. Her aunt was giving her the look. Fine. "Do you ever wonder about the what-ifs? Like what if Ross never cheated on Rachel?" Cassie started, wondering if her aunt would catch the drift.

"Are you going to use Friends references? I haven't seen Friends since 2004."

Maybe not. "Okay. What about the what ifs in your life? What if Thatcher never left your mom? What if you'd been raised with Lexie... or Maggie... or both? You would have been a completely different person."

"I think about that all the time. My sisters. My parents. Or Derek. What if he hadn't died... what if it was just a dream and he showed up here." Meredith straightened, suddenly realizing where she was going with this. "Do you wonder about your mom? If she had kept you?"

Cassie straightened. She might as well tell her. "Actually, I had a dream that she survived, and you were the one that found me. And I got to live with you and my mom and Derek and... everyone had their person."

Meredith seemed surprised. "I was the one who found you?" It was written all over her face. Derek had lived in this scenario too, though Maggie came into the picture before he died... but who knows. That was the point. It was a dream. It didn't have to make complete sense.

Her aunt looked surprised. "Yeah. I guess because she had the choice to for all that time and didn't. You didn't know. I guess it means that it always would have been you. I mean we can't know that for sure, it's just a what-if."

That was a lie. Cassie had always known from the minute she'd saw her aunt's picture on the internet when she was little after hearing her aunt talk about it. She always knew she'd be the one in the end. She'd always been afraid of messing it up before it could even happen, keeping her distance, not wanting something because she knew she'd be heartbroken without it, silently sitting in the shadows, watching her walk away, knowing she wasn't losing her because you can't lose something you never had. Knowing she'd never have that.

Maybe that's how she knew. It hurts to not be able to remember the beginning, exactly when she'd known what she knew now.

Meredith had always been the one.

Chapter Text

I can't put it into words. Or maybe I can, but I'm scared. I've always been scared. Every time I try to put it into words, to put it out there, I get hurt. Someone comes after me or I dig my own little hole of self-pity that I know I'm in just a little deeper. Maybe that's a consequence of our society, or our surroundings, or our history. Maybe it's just how we were raised.

I'm leaving. Walking towards a new adventure, towards something that scares me just enough to keep me on my toes. It's a new chapter, one that removes me from the toxic air and people. I don't know how that story ends. It could go either way. It could come back and bite me. It's been biting me back for as long as I remember.

Most of Cassie's side of the room had been shifted into plastic tubs and vacuum bags. Amber's side of the room looked the same as usual, except her University of Washington brochures were scattered across her bed for research.

Cassie threw open the door, two mugs of got chocolate in her hand. She handed one to Amber before plopping down in her spinning chair with a sigh. "We're moving out tomorrow."

Amber didn't look up from her computer, a pre-med brochure on the right of it. "Correction: you're moving out. I'm getting the attic all to myself while you go live at Stanford."

Cassie straightened on her chair. "Are you sure you're okay with me leaving? I could always stay at U-Washington for a while."

Amber rolled her eyes. Cassie seemed to be guilty for leaving her behind. For now, she was okay with that. She didn't want to leave her brother yet. She liked it here. She liked the stability and Meredith and getting to play with the kids. It was routine. "Cassie, Stanford was your dream. You are not going to give up your dream to sit in this attic when your adventure is out there in California."

"There's our college girls!" Meredith and Alex both came in, flopping onto the bed near the foot. Meredith turned towards the girls. "Are you ready? Nervous?"

Amber furrowed her brows. "I'm commuting. It just means I get to take the train or drive instead of walking every day. It's not that much of a change."

"Cass?" Her aunt asked, focusing her gaze on her niece. "Are you ready to move in?"

Cassie had offered to have her stuff shipped so Mer wouldn't have to drive her fourteen hours there and back, but Meredith flat out refused. She was driving her first baby to college and helping her unpack! Alex and Amber were tagging along, and Maggie was staying at home with the kids. Amelia was still MIA in California somewhere, but that really was a nonissue at this point.

"Hello? Earth to Cassie?"

"Yeah. So excited." She muttered dryly. She was excited; this was her dream! She just didn't know what to expect.

-

Almost a whole day of driving, a lot of off-key singing, and lots of drive-thru coffee later, they arrived. It was just like she remembered it. She'd been there once before, her father had wanted to go college touring with her, and she hadn't had the heart to tell him no. They'd gone to a bunch in California and Washington.

The older college students helped her get all of her stuff out of Mer's car and onto the sidewalk. Scanning her ID, he nodded. "Room 3224. Take the elevator and go all the way to the end of the hall on the right side." The three of them went up while Alex went to park the car.

Cassie grabbed at the door, not surprised when it was ajar, but pretended to furrow her brow in surprise. "Maybe my roommate is already here," she shrugged, and opened it to reveal a figure in Stanford sweats on her bed.

"Well it's about time you got here! And you brought evil spawn's spawn!"

Meredith looked like she was about to cry. "What are you doing here?" She turned to Cassie, "Did you do this?"

"You expected me to not come to see Little Little Grey off to my undergrad? Besides, my professors asked me to give a lecture, how could I say no? It is a med school lecture, but I got you an in."

Did Cristina Yang just get her tickets to a med-school lecture? She just figured Yang would jump on the chance to see Meredith, not to see her. It didn't seem like she'd been close to her mom... had she? "You look just like your mom," Cristina acknowledged, opening a bag of potato chips and crunching them obnoxiously. Cassie and Amber shrugged, going to help Alex with the boxes. Cristina flopped on the bed. "So, Mer, tell me more about the army guy."

"What army guy?" Cassie had walked back in to get the spare key, Amber hovering in the doorway. Meredith went bright red. She wasn't planning on telling the kids yet. She didn't even know how she felt about it. "Were you even going to tell me?" Meredith's lip flattened to a straight line, void of any emotion.

Cassie let out a deep breath. "I'm going to get the rest of my stuff." She needed a break. She needed to breathe and just process what her aunt said. It wasn't even like Mer was her mom. She'd never known Derek; she should have just wanted her aunt to be happy. It wasn't like she was a member of that family, not really anyway.

"Cass!" It was Amber following her. She'd already made it to the boxes, and she stared at them, debating how to take them up in the least number of trips.

Cassie huffed. "I just need to process what she just said. I'm not angry... I'm..."

"Feeling replaced? Feeling like you're not a member of the family? I got that. Mer gets that. I don't think she wanted you to find out this way. Cause what happens when the kids find out? I think she wanted a plan."

Since when was Amber running the psychobabble? "How long has this been going on? How long has she been lying to me? I'm not her kid..."

"But you are. And you've suffered a lot more loss than the other three. They lost their dad, you lost your mom and then lost her again. Ellis is never gonna know her dad, and Zola and Bailey will probably forget him, and it's terrible, but they deserve a father figure."

Cassie finally stopped, dropping the box she was holding to the hallway floor with a thud. She turned to her sister with a raised eyebrow. Amber was getting a little ahead of herself.

"Since when are you saying the wisdom monologues?" Cassie giggled as Amber playfully smacked her. "It was good, I'm just asking!"

Alex appeared behind them, picking up the last of her boxes. He just laughed at them and passed, walking to the elevator. His eyebrows immediately rose in surprise at the sight of Cristina and Meredith giggling like they'd never been apart.

"Evil spawn!"

"You're here? Of course, you're here." He dropped the boxes, walking towards them. Meredith was about to make a joke about Alex hugging her, but he had no such intention. "Give me some chips, I just drove for 12 hours and I'm starving."

Alex and Cristina continued crunching their tortilla chips once they got to the room, sitting on the stiff dorm bed with their heads against the wall. "I spilled about Nathan and Cassie freaked. I thought you already told her."

"She's probably just surprised. Her and Amber are sitting in the hallway. Give her a couple more minutes." He turned to Yang, "Tell me about Switzerland."

Cristina's eyes sparkled when she talked about Switzerland and the work she was doing. She hadn't found a new Owen, and it didn't sound like she wanted one. She was content with her research and work. Meredith's heart panged. She missed having her person around. And in a way, she was losing one of her other persons today. Cassie was leaving. Her girl. Little little Grey. And she wouldn't be coming home until Thanksgiving. That felt like a lifetime away.

She needed to hug her girl super tight.

---///---

The four girls had quickly put everything away and decorated the walls with a few things before the whole group funneled into the car to find a restaurant to eat dinner.

The five of them sat around a table eating chips out of an appetizer bowl. Cassie was full of questions for Cristina, and Amber slid away to go to the bathroom.

Cassie continued dipping her french fries in her chocolate shake, watching Meredith and Cristina banter. It was the most natural thing. Was that what it was like to have a person? Poor Alex looked shoved to the side, with the occasional jab from Mer. He was half listening half playing pool on his phone.

Was this her and Amber? Amber was her best friend... that she was leaving. She was still feeling really bad about that. To add on, Meredith kept giving her a look of concern. Neither of them had brought up the army guy. Cassie was fairly certain they were referring to Riggs. Him and her dad had started working at Grey-Sloan when her dad had moved to be closer to her.

When had Mer had time to have sexcapades between her kids and her job? Was it true that there was a guy? That Meredith was moving on from her epic love story with Derek? She was just so thrown off guard, so surprised. But she was so happy. Her aunt deserved to be happy. It seemed like every time she got to take a step forward, she ended up taking five back.

Meredith kept sneaking looks at Cassie, across the table. Did they have to have a talk about this? She hadn't even thought about how Nathan would affect her. It was just sex, first of all, and second of all she wasn't even thinking about introducing him to her kids. She'd assumed Cassie would be fine with it.

"Let's go for a walk." Mer decides as the group was walking back to the car, grabbing Cassie by the arm and dragging her away. Cassie looked back at Amber, a joking look of fear on her face. Amber responded by sticking her tongue out.

"You haven't said much since you found out about me and Nathan." she started, not sure where she was going with this. Could she buy her niece ice cream to soften the blow?

Cassie would admit, she was expecting her aunt to just completely ignore that, not bring it up as part of a life chat. Maybe this was her aunt growing out of the dark and twisty. The fact that Nathan was a thing was proof of that. "I was just a little shocked, Mer. It's okay. You deserve to be happy."

"You know that you and the kids will always come first, right? And if you need me, I am always a phone call or plane ride away. I will always be there for you."

"I know. I understand, Meredith."

"You don't sound like you're okay, kid. Please don't shut me out. It never works."

Cassie sighed. There was so much running through her head right now that she couldn't even put into words the amount of emotion, of fear, of devastation that was inside her veins.

She should've never agreed to go to a school that was so far away. It was her father's dream school, and it had been her dream school until that meant having to give up a family that meant something to her.

It would've been the right moment to tell them she wanted to go home to her bed in the attic and drink hot chocolate with Amber and have life chats on the couch with Meredith. Her aunt. The first person to actually understand her.

There was too much.

"Cassie. I love you. You can tell me anything, okay? Whatever it is that you're not telling me, you can tell me. I'm going to keep telling you that, no matter how many times I have to, to get it through that thick skull of yours."

She couldn't tell her. She didn't want to sound like a baby and beg to go back home.

"Hey, Mer, Cass?" It was the rest of the gang, in Meredith's car. "We have to leave soon to be back in time for Amber's orientation. We'll drop you off, say the goodbyes."

The two of them got into the back of the car, silently. The car trip was silent apart from the almost mute music coming from the radio. Cristina sat in front with Alex, occasionally smacking him, and Amber kept trying to read Cassie's face. Something was wrong, she could tell.

And then it was time for them to go. They double parked outside of the dorm, all stepping out of the car.

Amber was first to hug the girl. "Text me anytime, day or night, okay? My insomnia has got to be good for something."

Alex next, giving her a punch on the shoulder as he went to hug her. "If anyone gives you a hard time, I'll come and beat them up for you, no questions asked. And you can call if you wanna talk or whatever. Cristina didn't hug the girl but stood close by. Cass didn't know what that was about. Maybe she was going to defend Mer or something.

Meredith took a deep breath, taking one last look at her girl. She didn't want to leave yet. She knew there was something wrong and couldn't find the way to get the girl to tell her. Usually, she'd fess up by now. Maybe it was a matter of time before the girl called her in the middle of the night, upset. And she couldn't, any time.

She walked up to her, a smile on her face, before hugging her. "You're gonna be great, kid. I am so proud of you for everything. Your mom would be so proud of you, too."

You know when Meredith is getting mushy that things are going pretty badly.

Cassie never wanted to let this hug go.

"Call me tomorrow. I want to know how everything goes. You can call me anytime you need to, okay? You're my person first, and my niece second."

Cassie nodded, slowly. She could feel the coming of tears in her eyes. She blinked them back profusely before watching her aunt get into the car. She was not going to let them see her cry.

As the car pulled out of the lot and down the street, Cassie turned around, letting out a big sob. She had forgotten a certain friend of her aunt's was still standing nearby.

Cristina walked up to the girl, holding out a hand. She wasn't the warmest, that her aunt and Alex had made clear, but she helped her up. "Don't cry, kid. Come on, there's some tequila in my hotel room."

"I'm too young for tequila."

"You're in college now. You're gonna smoke and drink all the time. Might as well start now."

Cassie shrugged. That must be the start of their friendship, or something.

Chapter Text

There's so much I don't understand. When I was younger, I used to think that growing up, being an "adult" meant having all the answers. It meant not being bothered by all the small things and being able to make peace with the past. And don't get me wrong, I don't think you're really an adult until you've got a job and live alone, but I thought the small steps you make are enough to see a difference.

I'm still so confused about a lot of things, and I think maybe I'll never understand.

She couldn't remember most of what happened if you told her word for word. She had cried as her family had left her, she'd gone back to Cristina Yang's hotel room, drank just enough tequila to make her tipsy, and passed out on the couch in her hotel room.

Was this what college was? Blacking out after drinking? She hadn't even had that much! And the headache forming in her skull was enough to tell her not to do it again.

She woke up to Cristina sitting across from her, contently eating cheerios out of a box. Did they not have Cheerios in Switzerland? She blinked at her.

"You look like your mom, but some of your face is your dad."

"You know my dad?" She sat up, trying to remember if her dad had ever mentioned knowing Cristina. She did slightly remember her dad fangirling over her. Who wouldn't? Hearts in a box?

"I know all the doctors in Washington." Cass raised an eyebrow in response. "And your aunt showed me a picture." She shrugged. "He wasn't terrible on the eyes."

Cassie cleared her throat, getting up from the couch, blinking back the forming of a headache in her temple. She had cried in front of her aunt's best friend, for quite a while. The woman probably thought she was a wimp or something. "I'm gonna go back to my dorm and take a shower, have my first meal of dorm food."

"It's okay to miss them, you know. I left Seattle years ago, and part of me still feels like I made a mistake. But hopefully, you'll find something here that makes you want to stay. That's why I never went back. Or you could go home. No one would blame you for that."

Cassie's feet stopped her before she could make her way out the door. "I can't go home."

"Says who?"

The impending guilt from her father? Her aunt thinking she couldn't take care of herself? She wasn't a child! She'd spent the majority of her childhood alone, not needing anyone or anything except someone to feed her. She'd given up on finding someone to love her because it just didn't seem possible. Molly had loved her, but not in the way that she wanted to be loved.

And now that she had that, she didn't want to give it up.

Meredith wasn't some overly mushy character. But she was everything Cassie had ever dreamed of and more. It was in the way they sat at the kitchen counter at odd hours drinking hot chocolate or sat on the couch together. There were no abundances of "I love you", and Cassie didn't need to hear those words to know.

She had gotten so attached and now she didn't know who she was or if she was happy out here on her own. It was like she didn't know how to be independent anymore. And that was crazy. She wasn't going to be following Meredith around like a little puppy for the rest of her life.

Medicine had been her dream for as long as she knew that her mother had been a doctor. And watching her aunt, all of her aunt's coworkers, save lives was enough to convince her she wanted to do the same thing.

That was why she was here. That was why she was going to fight to stay here. She was going to make her aunt, her mom proud. Actually proud. None of that "I'm so proud of you even though you did nothing" nonsense.

She straightened out, cracked her neck, stretching out all of her muscles. She was ready to go. She was going back to her dorm to take a shower and eat, but she was ready to go.

"I don't know what just happened, but just remember that you're the sun in your equation. Not your dad, not Mer, you." Cristina's voice broke through her internal monologue. "I'll see you at the lecture later."

---///---

Cassie slowly made her way to the big lecture hall, having needed Google Maps to make her way around campus still. She made it there early, though, and waited in the line to be checked in. Everyone had texted her, but she just wanted to make it through the first day in solitude, see how it felt, and then call them when she figured out how not to sound overly homesick and beg to dropout on the phone. "Do you have your student ID?" She was questioned once she made it to the front of the line.

Cassie pulled the card out of her pocket, handing it to the lady behind the desk. She furrowed her brow at it. "You're an undergrad. What are you doing here?"

She cleared her throat nervously. "I, uh, know Cristina."

"You know Dr. Yang?" The woman gave her a pointed look. Cassie then realized how scrawny she must look compared to the other people. She could probably be in class with them if she hadn't resorted to staying in her relative age group. She was still going to be taking mostly junior and senior classes and probably graduate in two years, maybe one.

"Yes. She's friends with my aunt."

The woman squinted, and it was as if she'd just then read the name on the ID. "Grey? Like Grey Method? Your seat is front row, reserved. Sorry about that." She chuckled nervously, swiping the card and watching the machine flash green.

Her name was akin to being royalty. Knowing Cristina was akin to royalty. It was a good thing she didn't have her father's name. He was probably a golden alum too.

Once she started making her way to the front row, she suddenly realized how childish she must look compared to all of the med students. Most of them were probably five or six years older, well-dressed, and half asleep, living off of iced coffee and ramen. She was wearing jeans and a cardigan, not having really thought about having to look the part. She was going to have to start looking the part, apparently. Did everyone here know her name?

Everyone had notebooks and laptops, and she soon realized the front row was mostly made up of staff members, looking extremely adult. Which one was her seat? She gave up, finding the first empty seat she could.

"Is this seat taken?"

The adult looking up at her chuckled, "are you lost kid? Looking for the chem 100 lecture?"

"My last name is Grey. Do I need to say anything else?" She hadn't known where that confidence had come from, but the man shut up and let her sit anyway. With a satisfied plop, she opened the notes app on her phone. She would probably remember every word Cristina said without it, but to look the part.

"Don't listen to him sweetheart." The woman on the other side of her smiled warmly. "Burke's just jealous he's not up there."

"It was my idea..." he started, "by the way, Ms. Grey, tell your aunt I say hello." Did everyone know her aunt? Cass knew she was well known, but damn.

"Hello everyone. First off, I want to thank Stanford for giving me the opportunity to speak today in honor of your new term. Most of you are upperclassmen in the medical school, congratulations on your achievements thus far. I warn you, though, that it only gets harder from here. Residency will drain you, test you. But some of you will make it through." She paused, searching the front row.

"Most of you have some knowledge of the research I have been conducting alongside Dr. Burke for the last few years. The idea of creating synthetic organs to replace those that have failed the body is something the medical community has dreamed of for a long time." She clicked something, and a 3D image of a heart pulled up in front of her face. "This is our current design for a synthetic heart. It is the early stages still, but it is the shape and texture of a real heart." She used her hands to tilt the image, and the room broke out in murmurs. "Would anyone like to come up and hold it?"

She had to admit, she had known Cristina was a shark, but standing in front of these med school students, she was almost a teacher. Mer had joked about how bad of a teacher Cristina had been to her mother, but that was definitely a different time. That, or she was really trying to get Cassie into the pre-med funk. And it was working.

A million hands went into the air. Cass watched as the med students' dead eyes lit up as they shot their arms up. This was what they were fighting for, wasn't it?

"Kid in the nerd glasses and ugly jacket. You with the hair that looks like you stuck your fingers in an electric socket." Cristina's eyes flickered to her niece in the front row. She shook her head. She didn't want to be the center of attention for a bunch of med school students.

The rest of the lecture went by quickly, almost too quickly. Cristina explained a lot of the research, advertised an internship for the following summer, and answered so many questions. Cristina was in her element. She could see how she and her aunt were such close friends. They were like a yin and yang-- oh god, that was a bad dad joke, even for her.

"Thank you all for coming today. If you want to come up and hold the heart or ask me any more questions, I will be here for a few more minutes."

It's Burke that is nudging her as the audience began dissipating. "Come on Grey." He motioned for her to follow, and she chased after him up the steps. She walked over to see what it was he was showing her, and her eyes went wide. He pressed a few buttons, and soon the holographic heart was in between them again.

"Go ahead."

She held out her hand to touch it, smiling it when it turned underneath her grasp. "Is this the prototype?" She asked, excitedly.

"Yes." He came back, holding out the heart that had been passed around. She looked at it in amazement, and he placed it into her hands. He placed an actual (almost) heart into her hands.

She was mesmerized by it, holding it up and staring at it like it was a precious gem. And in a lot of ways, it was.

"So, what did you think?" Cristina asked, finally having gotten rid of the last eager med student. "Med students are obnoxious. They smell like bad breath and body odor. No offense."

Cassie blinked at the heart, still in her hands. "It's amazing. Thanks for letting me come."

"No problem. Consider it my graduation present."

"Dr. Yang, a pleasure as always." The cardio surgeon turned around, quick to shake hands with the figure who had walked up onto the stage. "Thank you for offering to speak."

"Anytime I'm on this side of the planet."

"Who is this?" The man asked, suddenly noticing the young woman still staring at the heart in her hands, animatedly questioning Burke.

"That's my.... Cassandra Grey."

"Grey?"

"Yes. Her mother is... was... Meredith Grey's sister." She fought the urge to roll her eyes. 'Whatever, Ellis Grey's daughter!' had turned into 'whatever, Meredith Grey's niece'.

"Ms. Grey." The man walked over, holding out a hand for her to shake. She handed the heart back to Burke before giving him her hand. "I'm the assistant dean for the curriculum here. Have you met with one of our advisors yet?"

Cassie shook her head. "I'm only a freshman in undergrad."

"Well it's never too early to start, especially for a Grey! We will have our office call you to make an appointment. What's your major right now?"

"Chemistry on a pre-med track."

"And how far along are you on your pre-reqs?"

Cassie grinned, "almost done with them."

The man shook his head in response, "no surprise there. Maybe we can sit you in on some lectures, would you like that?"

She was definitely getting an upper hand because of her last name and her connections. Was she going to complain? Absolutely not.

"I will have my office call you in the morning." He nodded again, "it was a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Grey, I'm sure I will be seeing you in the future," and the man walked off, leaving the three of them on the stage.

Cristina came over, punching her on the arm. "Wow must be nice to have that last name." she schmoozed sarcastically.

"I didn't ask to be surgical royalty," she shrugged.

"Whatever, Meredith Grey's niece. I'm catching a plane in a few hours, but there is this one thai place down the street that was the reason I didn't drop dead in med school."

"Do I want to know why you almost dropped dead?"

"Because I can't cook and need to be fed periodically and leaving to get food was a struggle when I had so much overachieving to do." The two of them walked off the stage with one wave to Burke and began making their way down the street.

"By the way, is there any chance I can keep the rest of that tequila bottle?" She asked, avoiding eye contact in case the woman said no, which she kind of doubted.

"Only if you don't tell your aunt I was the one that gave it to you." Cristina responded with a completely straight face.

"Oh please, she'd probably just ask why you didn't get the bigger size."

"I can't argue with that."

---///---

After she'd gotten her thai food, said goodbye to Cristina, and retreated back to the dorm building, she plopped down on one of the couches in the lounge and called her aunt back. Her aunt responded within three rings, clearly distracted by something off the screen.

"Bailey! Stop taking Ellis's toys!" She screamed, "hey Cass. How was your first day as a college kid?"

"Cristina's lecture was amazing. I got to hold..."

"Hold on one sec, Cass. Bailey! Don't make me ask you again! Sorry. What did you say?"

"I got to hold..."

"Bailey! That's it!" The phone flopped onto the table, and she could hear her aunt reprimanding her cousins in the background. She let out a deep breath. This was all she was going to get now. Half attentions from her aunt. It was better that way, made it a little easier to not miss home.

She debated waiting, but the longer she sat there, the more homesick she got. She sighed, ending the call before she could regret it. She watched her phone buzz again after two minutes and declined the calls before she could second guess herself. Then the messages started piling in. Apologies from her aunt, a 'do you need me to beat someone up?' from Alex, and a general confusion as to why she hung up from Amber, following by an 'is something wrong?' and then about ten facetime attempts.

She didn't know. Today was proof that she belonged here, and she hadn't even started. She knew the moment she held that heart in her hand that she needed to be here, getting one step closer to putting that heart into someone, even though she was fairly certain she did not want to be a cardio thoracic surgeon. She was fairly certain she knew what she wanted to be, but it was way too early to decide.

Sighing, she finally gave up, walking to her dorm room, a little concerned when the door opened with no struggle. She slowly opened it, blinking at the figure on the bed opposite her, smoking something that made the room smell like candy-flavored perfume.

"Hey! I was wondering when you would show up! I'm your roommate. I'm Sloane. I moved in today, but you were out all day." She inhaled again, letting out her smoke in a way that made Cassie cough.

"Yeah, I, uh, had a lecture to go to."

"Dude it's Sunday!"

"Well... you can never start too early?" She tilted her head. Her awkwardness was starting to show. She needed to relax, to make friends.

"Are you always this stressed? School hasn't even started yet and you're already freakin' out? You need to chill, man."

Oh, how she wanted to chill, to just not be in control. Control was what she craved, but lately she was not having it. "Can I have some of that?" she motioned to the thing in her roommate's hand.

Her roommate raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. This is just the bridge from the old life to the new life," she muttered, inhaling and choking so hard she broke into a coughing fit.

"I don't think so."

"Wait! Show me the right way to do it."

And she did. She puffed it until the pit in her stomach disappeared and she flopped onto the bed, calmer. Her hand suddenly hit the bottle of tequila she'd thrown under the covers when her and Cristina had stopped here earlier. Happily, she yanked it out, unscrewing it to take a sip.

"Got anything stronger to go with this?"

The blonde-haired girl grinned. "Want some peach rings?"

Chapter Text

I tried to run away from one of my foster homes when I was younger. I was around ten or so at the time, and it was a few months after my brother had left, and I'd been taken away from my mother. I had thought that running away would solve all my problems. My younger self hadn't even considered the implications of getting on a bus to find my brother with no money or eating with no money.

I hadn't even wanted to go home; I'd wanted my brother. He was the only home I'd ever known. And while Aaron and my mom were my family, I didn't even consider finding them.

I had packed what little I had into the run-down hand me down backpack I had and started down the street. It occurred to me that I had no idea where I was going, so I had to go back to the fosters to make a plan.

Running away doesn't work; it's running towards someone or something that just get you through.

It was unusual to her to wake up to the other side of her room empty. It had been a few days, but it hadn't sunk in yet. It would be months before she saw her sister again.

She missed the absolute crazy that came with sharing a room with Cassie. Now it was just quiet and lonely. It was nice to be able to have the room to herself, but she couldn't help feeling like something was off. But maybe it was just her not accepting that she was in a position to be happy with her life.

Fumbling down the stairs with Ellis in hand and Bailey and Zola in tow, she began pouring three bowls of cereal and placing Ellis in the highchair. She turned on the pot of coffee, pouring three mugs and waiting for Alex and Mer to come down the stairs.

She fed Ellis while sipping her coffee. She enjoyed this little routine. The kids did too, always chasing after her, excited to get her all to their selves.

Mer and Alex came down dressed a few minutes later. After the three of them drank their coffee together, Amber led the older two up the stairs to get ready for school.

She decided on jeans and the leather jacket Alex had gotten her for her first day of school. Nothing fancy, she would drive to campus, park the car and try not to fall asleep in all her lectures.

She went downstairs to brush her teeth and fix her hair. Satisfied, she threw the pile of books and her laptop into her bag, plopping down on the couch.

Zola and Bailey came thudding down the stairs, eager to say goodbye to Amber before she left. She grinned at them, letting them hug her. She felt better already.

Meredith swooped in with her phone, and Amber had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. "Say first day!" The kids mumbled the words back to her and smiled at her when the phone flashed. Amber cleared her throat, trying to fight the nervous in her gut.

Alex appeared behind her, patting her on the shoulder affectionately, "good luck kid. Don't crash my car." He handed her the keys before guiding the kids into Meredith's car, to drop them off at school before they went to work. Meredith grabbed her purse, clutching Ellis in her arms, "it'll be fine, Amber. Don't worry so much. And try not to fall asleep!" she joked, whizzing past her to the front door and holding it open. She hesitantly followed, letting Mer slam the door behind her. Mer was placing Ellis in the backseat, and Alex was already in the driver's seat.

Amber numbly got into the car, clearing her throat as she clicked the start button. She fumbled with the radio, trying to find something to calm her nerves. She stared at Mer and Alex through the window, almost sadly.

"You're going to be late Amber. Just rip off the band-aid."

What she wouldn't give to be an innocent kid riding in the back of her mommy's car going to the first day of school without a care in the world. She was doing better than she had in years, but that didn't mean she was ready to go to college alone.

"Bye guys." She mumbled sadly, pulling out of the driveway and going in the opposite direction from her brother and Mer. She was supposed to be excited! Why was she sad? Ugh.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Alex asked once they had dropped off Bailey and Zola.

Meredith didn't hesitate. At least she knew one of them was going to be okay. "She's going to be just fine."

—-///—-

Amber pulled up in the school parking lot, wrapping her purchased parking pass around the rearview mirror. She cleared her throat, grabbing her backpack from the passenger seat and locking the car, pulling out her phone to look at her schedule again. There were too many buildings on this campus. Maybe she should try and take the bus.

She was majoring in psychology, possibly on a pre-med track. She cleared her throat. Chem 102 was first. What a way to start. She hustled into the lecture hall and sat down somewhere in the middle. An overly chipper blonde girl came to sit down a few seats down from her, clutching a plastic container. She must've noticed Amber staring because she grinned, opening the container?

"Do you want a chocolate chip cookie? I nervous bake, and I might have baked enough for my whole dorm floor. I'm Hannah by the way."

"I'm Amber." She muttered in response, not sure how she felt about the overly enthusiastic blonde sitting next to her. Her stomach growled. Maybe only drinking coffee was not the best idea for her nerves. "I'll take a cookie." If she was lucky, maybe they were laced with something that would either kill her or make her feel a little less nervous. Whichever worked.

"I'm excited! First day of college classes!"

Did this girl eat sugar for breakfast?

At the look on the brunette's face, the blonde laughed, "sorry, I'm just a little excited. I was adopted, and my birth mom is a doctor, and it was this whole thing growing that I was going to be a doctor like her."

For the love of god! Did everyone have the same literal life story?

"... and I was sick when I was younger, so you know, I want to work with kids that had similar diseases... sorry. Did I overshare?"

She couldn't believe she actually found the rambling adorable. Amber shook her head, "no, not at all. My name is Amber."

"Do you have another class after this?"

"No. I have a break."

"Oh good. I need coffee."

"You need coffee? Aren't you caffeinated enough?" Amber let out a snort.

"Yeah. I just need something to wash down the cookies." She choked. "This batch came out a little dry." Amber just laughed, and the girl giggled with her.

---///---

She would admit to actually enjoying spending time with the blonde—they nicknamed her Giggly for the amount of laughing she did all day every day. They had chem lab and lecture together, went for the coffee and study dates after, and Amber felt a little bit back to normal. It was a little harder to miss Cassie now that she wasn't completely alone.

She walked into the house at the end of her first week happy because everyone was supposed to be home, and she really wanted to eat with her whole family. Between everyone working and the amount of schoolwork that had piled up, she was either on campus or hiding in the attic studying.

Throwing her backpack on the couch, she listened for the sounds of Meredith or the kids. She instantly heard Meredith in the kitchen, and with the thud of her bag, she stuck her head into Amber's field of vision.

"Has Cassie picked up any of your calls?" Meredith asked Amber. Amber shook her head. "I just have this bad feeling." Meredith continued to the kitchen, Amber on her tail.

"Do you think something is wrong?"

"I had a feeling something was wrong when we left. And I just thought it was me because I didn't want to leave her there."

Amber cleared her throat. "I'll try again." She pulled out her phone, frustrated when the phone rang without end. She frowned.

"Maybe she's busy with homework?" Maggie cut in from where she was feeding Ellis in the kitchen. "They're probably already piling it on."

"Maybe you're all overreacting. She's a college kid now. College kids go to parties and get drunk and don't answer all the phone calls." Alex cut in. "Let her live a little."

"Alex, she hasn't picked up a call since her first night there. She hung up on us and hasn't sent a single message." Amber wanted to smack herself in the face. She'd gotten distracted after admittedly trying to get a response by spamming her phone at least once a day.

"Did you piss her off?"

"Do you think she's angry because I was distracted?" Meredith cut in.

"That's stupid. Cassie isn't a petty person that would get angry over something like that."

"Then what?" Meredith continued. "Cristina said she was kind of upset when we left but was fine by the time she got on the plane. She sounded excited about everything on the phone. We don't even know how her first day of school went." Meredith sighed. "What am I supposed to do here?"

"Mer, give her some space. She'll call when she's ready. And you," his eyes flickered to Amber, "stop spamming her phone with texts and do your homework."

Amber rolled her eyes, "so I'm concerned. You called Meredith everyday when she disappeared."

"That was different."

"Yeah, Meredith is a grown up."

"Oh god. What if she's running away from us like I ran away from here?"

"Stop it, Mer! We're overreacting!"

As if sensing the tension around them, Zola cut in. "Why hasn't Cassie called?"

"She's probably busy, Zozo." That's it, she was just busy, just getting into the college groove, yeah, that's it. Meredith let out a deep breath, "are you ready to eat?"

—-///——

The two of them laid on the carpet in the middle of their room, not even phased by the fact they'd unplugged the smoke detector just to smoke in here all day everyday.

Cassie felt better than she had in a long time. Her thoughts were clearer, and she didn't feel homesick anymore as she had before. She finally felt better. This was her in control choosing not in control. Not overthinking every single thing. Just floating on a damn cloud.

"Give me another one."

"Cassie you've already smoked three. I don't have any more left!"

"You had four!" The girl argued, taking back another swig of the vodka Sloane had mooched off some guy doing god knows what. "How did you get into Stanford?" Cassie asked, the alcohol weed cocktail making her a little less filtered.

"My dad was like a crazy rich surgeon, so I guess he set up some fund or something and I got to pick and Stanford was the farthest from home so... anyways, I'm actually pretty smart. the higher I am, the clearer I think. Some of my best schoolwork is done high."

"I wonder how much I can do." She glanced at the stack of textbooks lining her desk. 25 credit hours and two med class audits courtesy of her last name.

"Only one way to find out."

She whizzed through the majority of the assignments. Since she had done a lot of reading in her free time and had a few college credits under her belt, she was more than ready to snooze through these classes.

"Guess you're right." She sighed, flopping back on the bed. "Does your boyfriend know anyone that can get us some more stuff or get us an in somewhere?"

Sloane was about to answer when their music stopped abruptly because the phone had stopped to ring, even though it had been on silent for the last week and she had ignored every call and every text. Sloane raised an eyebrow.

"They have been calling and texting you nonstop. Just pick up the damn phone already so they stop calling. Why are you ignoring them anyways?"

Cassie rolled her eyes. She picked up the phone, putting it to her ear. "What is it Amber?"

"Are you okay Cass? You haven't picking up the phone or answering anyone's texts!"

"I'm fine, Amber. I've just been really busy with homework. Please stop calling." She hung up the phone, briefly debating whether or not to block them all, but then thought better of it. She plopped down next to Sloane, holding her hand out. The girl popped the blunt back into the brunette's hand.

"Fine. And my 'boyfriend' might be able to get us into a frat party." Sloane rolled her eyes. "Is there something going on with you? Is your high-strung family concerned about you?"

The girl exhaled, laying back down on the ground. "Shut up, Sloane."

---////----

Amber stared at her phone. Maggie, Meredith, and Alex all surrounded her, having heard the whole thing on speakerphone. "What the hell was that?" Amber asked.

"That was exactly what Meredith said when she picked up when I called her when she ran away." Alex said pointedly, giving Meredith the I-told-you-so look.

Amber raised an eyebrow. "Does that mean she's going to come back to us?" Alex shrugged, turning to Meredith.

"You didn't come back until I came for you." Alex pointed out. "Maybe she wants you to go save her."

Meredith just blinked, trying to process it, trying to figure out what the right move was here. She was pushing all of them away. That was exactly what the woman herself had done. But that was different, wasn't it? She lost the love of her life. She was a grownup. She needed time. Was this Cassie asking for time? Had she not grieved enough? Was she still holding on to everything inside of her?

She hated it how much their stories lined up.

Was she supposed to go swoop in and save the day? Tell the girl that she loved her? She thought she had made herself clear, and she thought that her niece was okay. She didn't know if her niece wanted to be saved. She had no clue how to handle this one.

"I'll call Joel. See if he can go down there and scope it out. If I go, it'll look too overbearing." She wanted to be the one to swoop in, but truth be told she had no idea what on Earth was going on. And that scared her more than knowing.

Before she could move, hers, Maggie's and Alex's phones went off instantaneously. The three of them looked at each other before scrambling apart to take their separate phone calls. Amber's eyes darted between the three of them, and all three looked stressed. They each hung up and regrouped in the kitchen.

"Megan Hunt is alive."

"Jo's ex-husband was in the hospital."

"There was a child rapist lose in the hospital, and it was on fire!"

The three of them turned to Amber, who rolled her eyes. "Why, yes, of course I would love to babysit. You guys go. Stay safe." Maggie, Alex, and Meredith all bounced out the front door, not even stopping to acknowledge Amelia standing on the front porch, only swinging the door open so she could grab it.

"Hello to you too." She peered her head in to see Amber standing by the couch, eyes wide. "who are you? Another secret kid? What the hell just happened?"

Amber shrugged, ignoring the new figure and going to get the kids from the kitchen. She really needed a flowchart of all these names and doctors. Because, what the hell just happened?

Chapter Text

 would definitely call myself a runner, an expert at running. My mother ran away to have my sister, and then I ran away when the love of my life died, and I found out I was pregnant with his child. And that's only running away physically. Running away mentally, I'd say, is even scarier.

You're still physically there, but you aren't there. Pieces of you start falling away and shattering when they hit the ground. Your feet aren't running away, but the  parts  of your soul you thought would never leave start running away. I've felt myself slip away more times than I could count—as people I loved ran away—sometimes by choice, sometimes not.

The one thing I can say with complete certainty is that running away does not solve your problems. It genuinely will not make you happy.  The only thing is might give you is time to find your way back.  The only way running will make you happy is if you run away from the past, and run towards a future, something physical, someone that makes you believe a happier future is possible.

It's terrifying watching a kid try to run away because she feels like she has nowhere to run to.

Meredith wanted to say she was worried. She was. But between the wild ride with Nathan and helping Alex, Cassie fell into the back of her mind, occasionally coming up as a point of worry. She knew she should've called Joel, but Cassie made it clear that she didn't love him the way she loved her. The rapist running through the hospital had been resolved by the time the three of them had gotten there, Edwards and a piece of the building blowing up aside. She'd found Nathan in the parking lot, embracing him, wishing that it was her true love coming back from the dead.

"If it were Derek, I would already be gone."

She hugged him, watching him run away to reunite with the love of his life. The words hummed in her mind. That was her silent goodbye to Nathan, to whatever they'd been doing. To having an 'affair' with him on a plane, to spilling out her feelings about Lexie dying on a plane and her daughter that she wanted to give a life.

"How was your plane crash?"

"I told you it was bad. There were six of us that went up, five came back, and now three of us are still alive."

"Cassie's mom."

She turned to look at him. "Yeah. My kid sister Lexie. I loved her. And now I have Cassie, and she's leaving for college in a month, and..."

"I get it now. Why you're so protective—of Maggie, of Cassie. You don't want to lose them too. They'll both be fine, you know."

She'd enjoyed having him around, and then Cassie left for college and she couldn't help but feel worried. And she'd pulled away, not intentionally, but because that was what she did when she could feel something bad happening.

She'd waited for Megan Hunt's plane, tried to find out where Alex and Jo had ended up, and went to sit with Edwards for a few minutes.

She couldn't even be mad or upset about Nathan's dead true love coming back from the dead when she was worried about Cassie and Alex and Jo. She eventually made her way up to meet Megan Hunt and found herself sitting in one of the chairs while Owen and Nathan left for a few minutes.

"Meredith?"

She eventually realized Megan had been calling out to her for a while now. "Yes? Sorry."

"Is something wrong? Other than me being back from the dead?"

Meredith shook her head, smirking. "You being back from the dead is the least of my problems."

Megan frowned, "You've got the worried mom face going on. Is it your kids?"

"It's my niece," Meredith sighed, not sure why the words were coming out of her mouth so easily, "she just started college, and I feel like something's wrong."

"Your mom—aunt senses are never wrong, you know. Listen to your gut."

"I didn't realize you have kids." Meredith furrowed a brow.

"Nathan and Owen, no one here, knows about him yet. He's still there." She sighed. "I'm afraid they're not going to let me go get him. And he needs me. And I need him."

She needs me, and I need her.

"I will do everything in my power to bring him to you. You guys deserve to be together."

Maybe we deserve to be together too.

"I'll be back to check on you in a little bit." She got up, smoothing out her scrubs before opening and closing the sliding door as she stepped out. She nodded to Hunt and Nathan, who looked like they'd gotten into it in the hallway or something. That was not her problem right now.

She needed to find Alex. Sighing, she dialed, waiting for him to pick up. She furrowed her brow at the sight of Amber and Amelia walking down the hall towards her. With the ringing phone still by her ear, she glared at them. Had they really been here almost all night? By the time they'd gotten there, Edwards had saved a child and gotten rid of a rapist, a piece of the hospital exploded while they were in the parking lot, and she had yet to find out what happened with Jo.

"Wait, so who are you?"

"I'm Alex's little sister, the three of them have to go to the hospital because hell just broke loose, I'm ninety nine percent sure you're Amelia, and I'm gonna have to make a flowchart."

Amelia just smirked, heading to go see her nieces and nephew, "You got that part right."

Amelia nodded at Meredith before scurrying away to get her surgical privileges back. She was sure she would be hearing something out of Amelia later.

"We dropped the kids off. Have you talked to Alex?"

She motioned to her phone, "I haven't seen him since we got here, and he hasn't been responding to my messages."

"Did you try calling Jo?"

"I don't need to." She motioned to Alex, now coming down the hall towards the two of them. They looked at each other before moving towards him. He frowned, motioning them towards one of the lounges. Jo was sitting on one of the couches, eyes red and puffy from crying. She looked up at them before looking back down shamefully.

Meredith didn't say anything, silently sitting on the other side of Jo from Alex and rubbing her arm. Amber sat across from them, knowing she had to leave soon to make it to class, but wanting to be a silent supporter as well.

"He was... he was here." she whispered between sobs.

"I know. And we're going to do everything in our power to make sure he's never here again." Meredith always managed to sound so calm in the face of disaster. That really was her superpower.

Amber felt a little bit too close to the feelings Jo had right now. The terror, the fear of someone who hurt you coming back to finish what they started. Glancing at her watch, she realized she needed to get on the road if she wanted to get to school on time. She got up, stopping to squeeze both Jo and Meredith's shoulders and smack Alex lovingly before nodding at them on her way out the door.

---///---

She didn't know whose apartment this was. She just watched as Sloane's boyfriend held up a screenshot of a direct message to get them through the door. There wasn't that much room to move around, but there was enough beer and vodka to make Cassie a happy gal.

Can after can. Glass after glass, a blunt in her hand at the same time.

She didn't know how long they were there. Cassie clung to Sloane, trailing behind her and her boyfriend, who seemed pretty set on finding a quiet corner to make out.

Eventually, Cassie muttered something about having to pee and finding the bathroom. The only problem was she had no idea which door to go through.

She tried the door that ended up in a bedroom, another bedroom... she opened another door, and before she could even think about it, she felt herself falling into the room, hearing a door close behind her.

Cassie didn't have any trauma that floated above her head like a cloud, dead mom aside. She didn't really think about the foster care because it was so far in her past it almost fussed over.

She hadn't thought about him in years.

She hid in the closets. She was small enough; she could fit comfortably with her flashlight and book and hide in there for hours. No one would even notice she was gone. She'd eventually come out, to which they'd angrily hiss at her, "where were you?" and she'd say, 'under the bed'. She wasn't caught until months later.

Halfway through Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban, the closet door flew open, and behind it stood her foster father at the time. He somehow managed to get approved to foster after losing his wife, even though it had been her idea.

"This is where you've been hiding? If you like it in here so much, then stay!"

And he slammed the door, clicking the lock behind him.

She'd stayed calm for the first couple hours, too intrigued in the book to care. But when it had gotten dark, she'd panicked.

She didn't know how long she had been in there, having realized that banging on the door would do no good.

She didn't see light for days. She didn't eat for days. She couldn't remember ever panicking, just lying there, numb to the world. It wasn't like there was anyone looking out for her except her.

She wasn't traumatized. Not that she ever remembered, until that moment in time.

And she wanted to bang on the door because this felt like too similar of a story, but instead she felt the alcohol taking over, and herself slumping to the ground, collapsing into a ball.

---////—-

It had been sitting in the back of Amber's mind. Well, okay, it had been slowly forming over the course of her time living in Meredith's house. Cassie had told her a lot of the stories, but she definitely wanted to hear them again from Meredith and Alex's points of view.

Something clicked in her brain when Meredith had sat down on the couch next to Jo and just became the calm man in the storm. She wanted to do that. She wanted to be that.

It was even more interesting though, when you considered the insane number of traumatic events that had occurred in Meredith's life. And she had only heard the spark-notes version.

She had started writing. She didn't even know what she was writing. It was about her life and about who she was and who she was becoming and who she wanted to be. And she found herself continuously referencing Meredith. It was "become a mother like Meredith" and "be strong like Meredith."

Logically, it made sense. This was the first time she had a female role model. She wasn't going to be mushy about it, but honestly, who wouldn't have a woman crush on Meredith Grey?

And then she'd found the journals.

She hadn't meant to read all of them- honest— she'd flipped it open to see if it was medicine related. It wasn't, not completely. But reading more about where Meredith came from made Amber admire her even more. Her childhood wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, and she persevered.

She was typing away when Alex knocked on her door. She raised an eyebrow when he stuck his head in after getting a "what?" in response. He then opened the door completely, standing in front of her. He smirked at the scribbles on the whiteboard she had in front of her—the flowchart.

"Did you make a family tree?" He pointed. The original five interns (she'd cleverly acronymed 'MAGIC') were the top of the board, following by lines of different colors connecting them to other doctors coding if they were dating, married, divorced, or related and their specialty. There were a number of notes and question marks.

"I couldn't remember who Megan Hunt was." She shook it off, not telling him that she wanted to write a book, not yet.

Luckily, he changed the subject. "Dude, I need your advice on something. I would ask Meredith, but she's got enough on her plate right now."

Amber furrowed a brow, "Did you kill someone? I know a couple spots to dump the..."

"No." He stuck his hand in his pocket, pulling out a ring-shaped box. Amber grinned.

"Is that for my future sister-in-law Jo?" She pulled the box out of her brother's hand, popping it open. "Alex, it's gorgeous. She's gonna love it."

"So, you're okay with me asking her?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Can she even marry you with the creepy ex-husband around?"

"She's divorcing him. I'm making sure of that. It's just a proposal to get married someday when this is all behind her. I was asking you if you were okay with it because we'd probably be moving out, and things would change for you."

Amber sat back in the chair. Truth be told, she hadn't thought that far into the future. She just never pictured a life where Alex and Meredith didn't live together. They were soulmates— platonically speaking. But Jo and Alex— they were the real deal. The real love nonsense. Would they even want her infringing on their space? Maybe she needed to start working to save up to move into her own place. Meredith probably wouldn't want to keep her.

"Alex, you and Jo are like made for each other. Ask her!"

"You didn't answer the question."

Amber rolled her eyes, ending with a pointed look. "Yes, of course I'm okay with it." She'd cross the figure out where she was gonna live bridge later.

—//-

Sloane noticed almost an hour of making out later that she'd lost her roommate. She enlisted the help of her boyfriend in trying to find her. No one had seen her in a while. Had she blacked out in the bathroom? Where was she?

All of the rooms were empty, until it occurred to her to look in the walk-in closet in one of the bedrooms. She didn't know how Cassie had ended up there, but she was fairly certain Cassie did not make it out of the apartment.

And she found her, laying on the ground in a fetal position, as if she drank too much. With the help of her boyfriend, they got her sitting up.

"I'm gonna be sick." And she hurled into the first bag they could find, narrowly missing the floor.

"We should take her home."

"Hey Cassie..."

She could barely hear them.

The closet. She'd been locked in a closet more than once. How is it she couldn't remember this? And he had beat the shit out of her after he decided to let her out.

She remembered the day that the social worker had come to get her, he'd assumed she'd said something, and threw her so hard into a wall she couldn't see straight. She remembered thinking that it would've been better had he killed her that day. She remembered overhearing Molly saying all those things about how the only reason they wanted her was because she was the only surviving part of Lexie.

She'd considered telling her aunt that she was terrified— of living, of breathing, of dying.

She remembered having panic attacks because she was so afraid— of closets, of planes, of getting thrown into a wall. Her aunt called her high maintenance until she found a way to shove it all down.

How did she forget the closet?

How was this all coming back to her now?

Her grandfather looked at her in confusion and sadness because he was too drunk to remember that he was the reason she'd gone away.

And then the car crashed.

Glass shattered everywhere.

She'd thought that was it. At least that way she would get to be with her mom. But her mom hadn't wanted her.

She survived— only to watch the one person she'd ever loved almost die after being attacked by a patient.

And then she'd given her up too.

She threw up everywhere. She didn't remember most of what happened, only that she'd kept her head in the toilet for a few hours because Sloane was afraid she would choke on her own vomit in her sleep.

That honestly wouldn't have been such a bad thing.

—////—

Meredith knew she was going to have to talk to Amelia sooner or later. That whole thing had been a mess. She had had to kick her out of the house because she was hoping and praying that would be enough to get her to sober up. She didn't want her kids seeing their aunt Amelia like that.

After all of the sister nonsense, she knew Amelia was her sister and that she would have to love her. And she did. She knew Amelia would be back when she felt ready.

"So, how are you?" Meredith asked, once they were back in the kitchen at the house. The kids were in bed, Amber had disappeared upstairs, and Maggie and Alex were still out and about.

"Sober. I know that's all you care about." The younger Shepherd wrapped her hand around her coffee cup, leaning on the counter. Meredith plopped down, sipping her wine.

"Amelia, I love you, but what happened wasn't okay. You didn't lose your sobriety when Derek died. To lose it because I got attacked—"

"It was my fault, Meredith. I took my time and because of that..."

Meredith hadn't even thought about that one. "I never blamed you for what happened, Amelia. You're my sister. Unless you're the one slamming me into the wall, I don't see how it's your fault. You want my forgiveness? You're forgiven."

Amelia blinked at her, nodding. "I think going to be with Addison helped. You kicked me out, and I didn't want anyone else to see that, so... Addison saw it the first time. And Cassie came out to see me. She saw me looking like a wreck."

"She was heartbroken, you know, that you pushed her away. I think she was scared because you left so abruptly that you were going to end up dead."

"I'm sensing some Cassie tension. I said her name earlier and Amber freaked. Your face changed when I said her name. What is it that I don't know?"

Meredith fixed her gaze on a family photo on the fridge. "She hasn't been answering any of our calls. We're all worried. And seeing you, I just realized. Thatcher's an alcoholic. I'm not, and Lexie wasn't, but Cassie could be. She doesn't know how it could affect her." Meredith slumped back. "We need to find out what's going on down there before something bad happens. We don't even know if she is, but something is clearly wrong."

---///---

She woke up with a major headache. Her head was pounding, it felt like she was swimming, and she felt like she was gonna throw up again any second.

She didn't really ever want to get out of bed.

"Cassie... how are you feeling? You had a little too much to drink last night."

Cassie didn't have the energy to respond. She felt like she'd gotten hit by a bus. She didn't know how to feel about anything. She was usually so acceptant of her emotions that she couldn't handle the amount of sadness she felt all over her body.

"You need to eat. I have some dry cereal if you want. It isn't much, but I can go get some..."

Cassie's only response was to throw her blanket over her head and curl into as tight as a ball as she could. She just wanted to be alone.

That's the thing she'd forgotten about the closet: the first time in the closet was the day she realized she would always be alone in the world.

Somewhere along the line she'd forgotten that, believing that Meredith and Alex and Amber were the proof that she wasn't alone anymore.

That was some sick joke.

She'd felt the same way the night before that she did all those years ago.

She didn't know what that meant for her, where she wanted to go from here. Her bed seemed like a pretty good starting point for a while.

Sloane cut in, breaking her from her thoughts, "You kept mumbling about Meredith. That's your aunt, right? And you said something about Amber. Maybe you should call them." She didn't want her roommate dying on her watch.

Cass blinked, willing her eyes to focus so she could look at the notifications on her phone. Her family texted her every day, it was the usual, but today Amber was in caps. Her head was aching and the words on the page were bouncing, but she still managed to read it. She'd screenshotted a picture of an article, one of the wings of the hospital exploding, a rapist.

Her head felt like it was pounding, she felt like she was going to throw up again, and the taste in her mouth was absolutely disgusting.

She should call to make sure everyone is okay. At this point, she wouldn't be surprised if someone else was dead. Amber would call at some point, if it was important, she would try again.

But she didn't have the energy in her to do anything but lay there, willing herself to fall asleep and maybe, just maybe, never wake up.

Chapter Text

Hermione Granger was considered the brightest witch of her age. She was my idol growing up. Her head always in a book, the brains of the operation. She was the reason Harry and Ron didn't die in the first book.

I would like to think that in some ways, I am like Hermione Granger, but lately I have been feeling more like Neville Longbottom, who deserved more love than he got.

I know why I'm struggling. I know why I have been having such a hard time lately. It's because for my whole life I wasn't in control. I wasn't in control when I was sent to foster care, when my mother got on a plane and died, or when my foster father locked me in a closet, or when I forgot about it. I wasn't in control when Mer was attacked. The first time I was in control was when I was asked if I wanted to be with Mer.

All I ever wanted was to have control.

And then I had control. At least, I thought I was in control. But I didn't want to be that girl anymore. Drinking, smoking, it makes all the buzzing in my brain stop. It made me not feel like I had to be in control. It makes me feel calm when every fiber in my being makes me want to overthink everything and be a control freak.

I don't know how long I can avoid my life, but I'm going to keep trying because I don't want to be in control.

Not anymore.

---///--

She'd tried. Honest to god. She'd laid awake for hours, playing everything in her head like a tape, trying to fall asleep because she just didn't want to think anymore. She had smoked and drank, but instead of crashing, she was stuck with her thoughts.

And when she'd nodded off, she'd wake up in a cold sweat, having dreams about things she didn't remember, things she wasn't sure what to make of.

There was the car crash, the closet, her mom's plane crash (ironic, considering she hadn't even been there), Meredith dying in every way possible, and every other fear she had.

She was smart, they'd called her the brightest mind of her age. She was taking enough classes to fill an undergrad's transcript, she would probably graduate med school at 20, and yet she didn't know how to deal with her emotions.

She didn't really want to sleep anymore, but she didn't want to stay awake either.

The only way she found herself falling asleep at all was when she'd drink or smoke. It was the only way to calm the rattling inside her brain and she'd eventually pass out.

And yet, she never slept more than two hours.

For four days straight.

It doesn't come as a surprise. Not really. She's read enough medical textbooks to know that when you don't sleep, you will eventually collapse from exhaustion.

Somehow, she'd managed to stay awake during all of her classes, hiding in the back, even taking chicken scratch notes. When she was in class or doing schoolwork, she could pull all her feelings away into a box and just focus on the science. It was the reason she still wanted to do schoolwork, even though she didn't really want to do anything anymore.

She fell asleep when, after five days, Sloane forced her to get out of bed to shower because she claimed the room smelled bad.

She should've kept the water cold, to keep her from falling asleep, but she didn't even think about that. She'd let herself relax for one second in the hot water, and she immediately felt her eyes close.

She woke up to the sound of pounding on the stall door.

"Cassie! It doesn't take two hours to take a shower! Don't make me crawl under there!"

She was started to hate the sound of Sloane's voice.

"I'm fine, Sloane."

"People who collapse in the shower aren't fine. I'm waiting until you come out, and then you're going to sleep."

Cassie rolled her eyes, forgetting Sloane couldn't see her. She took her time putting on her sweats, admittedly feeling better than she had in days.

She glared at Sloane once she opened the stall door. Sloane growled, "don't look at me like that, I'm not the one collapsing everywhere."

She didn't say anything else as the two of them walked back into the room, Cassie stopping to throw her caddy in the closet. She took a deep breath. Her laundry had piled up, her sheets could use washing, and she was in the mood for some comfort food. She'd barely been eating as it was.

Thirty minutes later, she was laying in her bed, freshly made sheets underneath her and nachos in her hand.

There was one other thing she could do. She held her phone in her hand, staring at it. Her eyes flickered to the dorky framed picture of her, Amber, Mer and Maggie goofing off that someone had left while they were unpacking. Before she could change her mind, her fingers had called Amber.

Amber picked up almost too quickly. "Hey Cassie." A pause. "How's it going?"

"It's okay. How are you?"

"Chemistry is kicking my ass, but I'm okay." Another pause. "Are you sure everything's okay, Cass?"

"Yeah. I've just been so busy with schoolwork that I haven't called. How is everyone?"

How is Mer?

"Everyone misses you, especially Mer. She's worried about you, Cass; we all are. It's not like you to just stop answering us."

"I'm busy!"

"That's never stopped you from hanging out with us before."

"Amber I called to see how you were doing, not to get a lecture."

"Well maybe you need a lecture! Stop ignoring us because you're too busy doing drugs at parties with your roommate!"

"What are you talking about?"

"She tagged you in a picture of you and her. It was the only way I could find out what was going on with you!"

"So, you've been stalking me for an update?"

"Cassie, you went dark completely out of the blue! I..."

Amber's voice was cut off by the click of the red phone icon on Cassie's screen. She hadn't meant to do that, but Amber had literally been watching her every move. It was like she couldn't breathe.

She suddenly lost the urge to eat or fight again. She pulled her comforter up to her chin before turning on her side, facing nothing but the blank brick walls.

—///——

Amber prayed to the medical gods that Meredith could see the begging look in her eye. She'd been working on this abdominal wall transplant with Jo, trying to take care of the both of them, and it felt like she didn't even care about Cassie anymore.

"I talked to Cassie today," she started, making her presence in the kitchen known.

"And?"

"And she's still acting weird. I think you should do something."

"Amber, what is it you want me to do? She hasn't picked up my calls or answered my texts. Joel is too involved in this Megan Hunt thing to drop everything and fly to California. Cassie is a big girl; she can handle whatever it is she's dealing with."

"So that's it? You're going to forget about her when she's clearly struggling? You're the only person she'll listen to, one of the only people she loves, and she's terrified. She's so far down the rabbit hole that the Cassie you love is on the verge of disappearing, and you're too busy trying to win yourself a Harper Avery!"

"Amber, if you're so worried about it, go to California yourself. It isn't the first time you've run away."

Amber grunted, rolling her eyes and stalking away. She stalked up the stairs to the room she once shared with Cassie, slamming the door behind her. Looking at her side of the attic empty made her grunt all over again.

She flopped onto the bed, opening up her laptop. This chapter of the book was going to be angsty because of some people she happened to live with.

She needed another plan.

——-//////———

She couldn't ignore it if she tried. Her aunt's face was shown on every medical journal cover, some of her professors were mentioning it, and it was popping up in her targeted ads. They were literally asking about her aunt and her Harper Avery nomination. As if she knew!

Her aunt deserved this award more than anyone. Maybe her being away and not being a burden was what helped her aunt finally get her edge. She had been another life surprise that had thrown Mer off her surgical game.

She felt like she should call to congratulate her if she got the nomination. She was so freaking proud.

She couldn't find it in her to call though. She'd spent so much time stuck in her thoughts, not sure what was real anymore, not sure what she was fighting for. She was straight up exhausted, of dealing with her emotions, of overthinking everything, of not enjoying anything anymore.

Drinking and smoking were the only things that made her feel normal anymore. Schoolwork and reading used to be her sanctuary, but now it was something she did on autopilot because it just reminded her of home.

She just wanted to sleep for the whole night. She just needed something to knock her out.

She wanted to lose control.

She waited until Sloane went out to take a shower before snooping over to her side of the room to find where she kept the sleeping pills because Sloane had chronic insomnia (so she claimed).

She took a handful, swigging them with some vodka. Okay, half a bottle of vodka. She just wanted to knock out fast.

She collapsed onto her bed, feeling herself sink into the mattress, at peace for once in her life.

—-----/////——

Meredith knew Amber was right. She couldn't deny that if she tried. She knew she had a case of the dark and twisties, and that she had thrown herself into this Megan Hunt surgery to try and distract herself. Cassie was a Grey, and she would be stubborn about whatever she was dealing with until she was ready to deal with it.

And Meredith would rather cut than sit around all day worrying.

She couldn't, however, push away Amber when she was living under her roof. And she didn't want to. That kid was her kid too. She was definitely going to be the mother of the year for all this.

Alex found her with a bottle of tequila on the couch when he walked in. He hadn't really a chance to talk to her with everything that had been going on. He plopped down next to her, holding out his hand for the bottle. He swigged it, turning to look at her.

"Amber is pissed at me." She started.

He laughed. "What did she do?"

"She told me off because I haven't done anything about this thing with Cassie. And I want to. But I can't. She thinks I'm more invested in this Harper Avery stuff than Cass."

"Well, are you?"

"No?" He raised an eyebrow at her, and she pursed her lips, "only because it's easier to do that than to deal with this Cassie thing. I don't know how to fix whatever is wrong."

"Being there for her is a start."

"She won't pick up my phone calls."

"I meant in person. She can't push you away if you show up there." He sighed, "I wanted to deny that something was wrong, but she won't respond to any of us. She'll barely talk to Amber, and when she does, she's angry."

Meredith let out a breath, admitting her defeat. "I know. I wish I'd gotten her when she was younger. Derek would've known what to do here."

"He'd tell you what I'm telling you. Be there for her. She loves you, and you love her. Don't make it so complicated."

They sat in silence for a few moments, until Alex blurted out, "I asked Jo to marry me."

The worry on Meredith's face was temporarily shifted to joy. "And? What did she say?"

"She didn't really give me an answer. She told me to ask her again when she's divorced. I think she's still spooked about him showing up here. I am okay with waiting, as long as it takes. The fact that she didn't respond is what scares me."

Meredith got up, wrapping Derek's blanket around herself. "Just give her some time."

She plopped up the stairs to the attic. It was weird going up there to her now. It had been Lexie's, then it was empty, then it was Cassie's, and now it was Amber's. She knocked before shoving her head in the door. She took the glare she received as an invitation and plopped down on the bed.

"You're right." Amber raised her eyebrow. "It's easier to be a surgeon than to be an aunt sometimes. After the nominations come out tomorrow, I'll book a flight. Do you want to come with?"

Amber shook her head, "no. I think it has to be you. I'll be here waiting, when she comes home."

Meredith caught note of the flowchart on the whiteboard. "What is that?"

"It's just a project I'm working on." At the expression on Meredith's face, she continued. "I've been writing. I don't know what it is that I'm writing, but it's about you, me, Alex, Cassie. Life. Everything."

"Can I be the first to read it?" Meredith asked.

Amber smiled, "Yeah."

——//////——

"There she is!"

Maggie, Amelia, Alex, Jo, Amber, Hannah, the kids, and most of the surgeon crew jumped up from behind the table, not screaming surprise but just cheering. They were at the hospital, and Meredith had been in a surgery when the nominations had been released. There wasn't really a doubt in anybody's mind, so Alex asked Bailey for the room, and she tearfully agreed.

Amber grinned as Meredith walked in the room, a subtle blush of embarrassment on her cheeks at the overdoing she'd done. She'd made a dorky poster, and Hannah had come over to make cupcakes. Meredith raised an eyebrow jokingly.

"Meredith, you got nominated for a Harper Avery! That doesn't happen every day! You literally transplanted an abdominal wall! I know someone who will go down in medical history."

Meredith grinned, stopping to hug her. "Thanks Amber. This was really sweet." She turned to Hannah, finally meeting the girl for the first time. She had to stop herself from laughing out loud at the irony— how was the world that small? How had Alex not put those pieces together? How had none of the doctors put that one together? "I've heard so much about you and your baking."

"Congratulations on the nomination!" Hannah grinned, pushing a plate of cookies towards her. Meredith tried one, nodding in approval. Her kids all hugged her, most of the doctors hugged her, and it was then she remembered the obvious absence.

"Do you think she knows?" Amber mumbled before she could stop herself.

"She knows." Alex responded, a frown on his face.

"One more thing before we all disperse." Amber cleared her throat, breaking out the cranberry juice, since they were on the job or underage. "A toast to Meredith. May your mother turn in her grave at your nomination and future win."

"To Mer."

"To Mer."

Mer grinned. She took a sip of her juice when her phone began vibrating in her pocket. At the ID, she furrowed her brow. She held the phone up to her ear, walking out into the hallway.

"Is this Meredith Grey?"

"Yes..."

"This is Stanford Hospital calling. Your niece was brought in for alcohol poisoning."

----////----

She was on a beach. That was weird. She had passed out. Passed out people generally don't have dreams.

The sky was a happy shade of blue, the waves calmly crashed against the shore, and there wasn't a single building in sight. This was the kind of solitude she wanted. If she was going to spend her live alone, she'd much prefer it to be on a beach with a book. She let the wind fly through her hair as she walked along the sand.

She furrowed her brow at the sight of two figures farther along the beach that definitely hadn't been there before. They were together and talking, that she could gather.

"Hey! Hey!" she called. She needed those people to turn around so she could see who was nagging her in her dream. She just wanted some peace and quiet. She was probably going to get a lecture from them. Her subconscious was telling her she needed to stop even in her dreams.

Pretty soon, the two figures started walking towards her. They were both brunette, that much she could see. From their statures, she would guess a girl and a guy.

Oh no, this was probably another dead people meeting. Oh god. Was she dead?

She started running towards them, irritated when she flopped face first into the sand. That got a laugh out of the guy. The girl smacked him, and he just keep laughing. "The sand isn't real. Why is it that people think it's real?"

"Stop laughing at her! She's confused."

Cassie flipped her hair back, spitting out the sand particles that had gotten into her mouth. She got up, brushing herself off. Her heart dropped when she realized who was in front of her. Her alcohol slugged brain should've known sooner.

"Hi Mom. Derek."

Chapter Text

There's this unspoken thought about the afterlife: that when you die, your soul ends up on a beach. I always wondered why it was the beach and not the top of a mountain, overlooking a natural view. Not everyone likes the beach. Maybe it has something to do with the calm that comes with only the sound of the waves, the sand under your feet, the ability to watch the sun rise and set over the water, casting an array of purples and oranges that look like watercolors.

And once you're on that beach, the people you love come to greet you and take you away to an afterlife with the people you lost. I wouldn't call myself religious, but it's an image I am okay with. It's better than the idea that once you're dead, you're dead.

I've often wondered who would be on my beach, as I teetered between life and death. Probably my mother, even though I never actually met the woman apart from birth. And Meredith. I always assumed Meredith would be here with me too. I never thought I'd be here first.

Her mother was wearing a white flowy top and jeans, while Derek was walking barefoot in some khakis and a button down top. They both smiled warmly at her. "Cassie, my sweet girl."

It suddenly really hit her why she was standing on a beach with her dead mother and uncle. She had screwed things up so bad that she was seeing dead people. She suddenly felt the urge to cry, although she had used up all of her tears in the last month. "Everything is ruined."

Her mother looked equally sad. She must've been watching. "I know, honey."

"Am I dying?"

"That's up to you." Derek chimed in, and her mother smacked him.

"It is up to you Cass, but... you have so much to live for. You have the choice. Some of us weren't that lucky. We didn't get the choice; god knows we would've stayed. But, we're here to talk about you. You haven't been happy or okay lately. You're dying because you're drinking and smoking yourself to death."

Cassie's eyes remained glued on the waves. She already knew she fucked up, that she was fucked up. She didn't need to be reminded. "You don't get to stand here and give me a lecture on what I've been doing because you left me, remember?"

"I did. And you still turned out amazing. You're not who you are because of me, you're who you are in spite of me. And that's okay. I can't blame you for that. You just hit a bump in the road."

The waves crashed against the shoreline and receded. She let out a deep breath. "Yeah. I'm sad all the time now. All I do is think about the past. About you and Mer and Thatcher and the foster homes...."

"You're trying to kill yourself. You might not be slitting your wrists, but you're shutting down. You know that as much as I do."

She finally turned her head back to her mother and her uncle. "I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I found a way to manage it, I could stay there. I don't want to be the wimp that gets homesick after a month of college. I spent my whole life alone and now that I have a family, I'm wasting the time that I could have with them. Last time we talked, you said something was wrong with Meredith. What's wrong with her? Is she going to die?"

Lexie and Derek looked at each other. "She's not dying unless she wants to. And Lexie shouldn't have said anything about that to you."

"Cass, she's not going anywhere."

"Then why did you say that?"

"You can't live your life afraid that everyone around you is going to die." Derek snapped, and then he realized that this girl in front of him really was bits and pieces of his sister in law and his wife. He saw his sister in law in her face, but the mannerisms and logic of the love of his life. She was even giving him the same glare.

"She lost you guys." Cassie mumbled. "I lost you guys too. And I'm terrified of losing her."

"You being here means that she's on the verge of losing you too, and she's just as terrified."

Was it bad that Cassie still wasn't in the mood to argue about this? That she'd rather stay here? Sure, she still kind of wanted to be a doctor, and sure she wanted to have kids someday, but those things meant she had to deal with the present.

"She wouldn't be fine, you know. Eventually, she'd be 'fine', but she'd be a little more broken. She needs you as much as you need her."

"That's crap. The only person she's ever needed was herself."

"That might be true, but she's happier now than she has been in a while. I see it." Derek smiled, "you and the kids bring out the best in her."

Her mother chimed in, "But you can't be going back there for her. You have to be going back for yourself. And I don't want to see you here again."

Cassie rolled her eyes at the mom tone the woman had taken on, "Okay, Mom."

"And another thing, Cass? You're not alone. You may have been alone in the past, but you're not alone now. You've got so many people, alive and dead, that care about you. Don't ever forget that."

Before she could stop herself, she threw herself at her mother. The hug felt real, even if it wasn't, even if she was on the verge of dying.

She paused, standing in front of Derek. He smiled at her. "You're just like your mother and aunt. I see so much of Meredith in you." She hugged his frame. There was no doubt in her mind that he would've been the one to drag Mer to save her if he had known about her while she was alive.

"I don't know if I can do it. Heal. Fight." She muttered.

Lexie smiled at her, "of course you can! Sometimes you think that life is just gonna stop because you hit a bump in the road. But you just keep going and eventually you find something or someone that makes it worthwhile."

Cassie nodded. She knew her mother was right. She turned her head back to stare at the waves again. They were mesmerizing. "So now what?" Cassie mumbled, after she'd regained her thoughts. She had been a fighter her whole life. Sometimes, you just need a reminder.

"Now we wait."

"Wait for what?"

"Wait for you to wake up."

Her mother held out a hand, and she took it gratefully, letting her mother wrap an arm around her as they walked down the beach, Derek on her other side.

"Mom?"

"Yes, sweet girl?"

"I'm not who I am in spite of you. I am who I am because I want to be just like you, abandoning my kids aside." She jabbed with a laugh.

"I guess I deserved that."

Derek laughed, "you kind of did."

——-//////——

Meredith sucked in a breath. This was it! This was where the bad feeling was coming from. Cassie was feeling beyond terrible if she gone that far. She couldn't even picture Cassie doing drugs.

"Hello? Dr. Grey?" The woman on the phone continued.

"Is she stable?" The doctor in her was coming out.

"Yes. We will let you know more once you get here."

"I'll be on the next plane." She fumbled with her phone, nearly colliding into Callie. She was still in the hallway outside the room, but she didn't have it in her to go in there without losing it. And her kids were there. And Amber. She would know immediately at the look on her face.

"Is everything okay?" Callie asked, her face full of concern.

She couldn't help the snort that came out of her mouth. "No, but when is it ever?" She muttered, walking away. She needed to tell Alex or Maggie, make sure they had the kids. But she had to do it without going into the room.

Callie furrowed her brow at her friend and stuck her head back into the room. Maggie and Amelia walked out, both equally confused. They caught up with her speed-walking down the hall, sandwiching her in the middle.

"Mer, is everything okay?"

"It's Cassie. I need to get on a plane."

"Is she okay?"

"No. I don't know. This is my fault; I should have trusted my gut when I thought something was wrong."

"Meredith!"

It's Alex that running after her next. She tries to get away, but he hugs her, eventually feeling her body shake with sobs. Something was wrong. "What's wrong, Mer?"

"Cassie... overdose..."

"What? Is she okay?"

Meredith took a deep breath in, calming herself. "She's stable."

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's get on a plane!"

"What about Amber? The kids? I have surgeries..."

"Your surgeries can wait. Amber is a grownup, and Maggie..." Meredith turned back to Maggie and Amelia, still standing behind their older sister in concern. Maggie nodded in response.

"Okay, let's go."

—-:/:/——

Hannah and Amber were sitting in the kitchen, eating chips out of a bag and silently working on their assignments. The silence only broke when one stopped to ask the other a question.

The front door swung open, revealing Maggie with the three kids in tow. Amber raised an eyebrow at the startled look on Maggie's face. Meredith and Alex must've gotten pulled into an emergency surgery or something. She hadn't seen her after their mini celebration. They were supposed to be having 'family' dinner today.

"Amber..." the tone of Maggie's voice was enough to tell Amber that it was more than just an emergency surgery. "I thought you and Hannah would be at the library until later." Now the girl knew something was wrong, and she was going to have to tell her in front of her friend.

"What's wrong?" Maggie's eyes flicked from Amber to Hannah and back to Amber shrugged. "Maggie..."

"Meredith and Alex went to see Cassie. She's in the hospital."

Amber's face fell, and Hannah's did as well. Amber wished she was surprised, but she really wasn't. Cassie hadn't been herself for the month she'd been at college. In the back of her mind, she had had a feeling that something like this was going to happen. "Is she okay?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

Maggie let out a deep breath, "we can talk about that later."

Amber nodded, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach. Had things gotten that bad? Had Cassie tried to--? She couldn't even finish that thought. She was going to throw up. Or cry. Or both. Hannah and Maggie were both staring at her in concern. She was working through her trauma. She went to therapy once a week and did the talking. That didn't mean she liked crying in front of people yet.

"I need some air." She went flying out the door, leaving Maggie and Hannah watching.

Hannah suddenly felt like she was invading in the middle of some family issue. For once, she wasn't laughing, "I should go. I will call Amber later. Maybe do some baking," she muttered, the last part mostly to herself. She shoved her laptop and notebook into her bag, throwing it over her shoulder and heading to the door. When the door slammed behind her, she remembered that Amber was supposed to drive her back to the dorm. She had picked her up earlier so they could go to the hospital.

She plopped down on the step, putting her elbows on her knees to wait.

---///---

The next few hours flew by in a blur. Alex kept a hand on her arm, leading her numbly through the airport onto the plane and from the plane to their taxi.

She was lost in her thoughts until she was back in a hospital, and the doctor in her took over, making her a little calmer. She could be a better doctor than aunt at this point.

"Dr. Grey. Your niece suffered from alcohol poisoning. Her roommate found her struggling to breathe. We had to intubate and pump her stomach, and we're giving her fluids to rehydrate her. She's resting now, but you can go sit with her if you want."

"Did you run a tox screen? Was there anything else in her system?"

"We ran a tox screen, and the roommate said her sleeping pills were missing. She had the whole cocktail in her system."

Meredith didn't hesitate in pushing through the door and staring at the girl in front of her. For a moment, she was reminded of how they met. It was under seemingly similar conditions.

Her girl looked so pale and small in that bed, but she looked peaceful. Whatever was going through her head was numbed by exhaustion and the body's need to heal itself. Meredith collapsed in the chair, placing her hand on top of her niece's. How had they gotten into this position so many times? Why couldn't they just be happy?

It was undoubtedly the Grey curse.

She plopped her head down on the bed, resting her eyes. She let the sound of the machines relax her, until she felt the slightest movement of the hand underneath hers.

—-/////——

They had laid down, putting their heads back on the sand, listening to the sound of the waves. She watched the sky go from blue to the mixed blue orange of an almost sunset.

"She's with you." Derek started, sitting up. Cassie opened her eyes, also getting up. She turned her head to see Meredith sitting next to her, staring out at the ocean.

"Cassie..." she started, turning to look at the girl, "come back," she held out her hand for the girl to take.

Cassie turned her head to look at her mother and her uncle. They smiled back at her. "We'll see you again." Derek said.

"But not until you're old and gray!" Lexie chastised. "We're always with you, even if you can't see us. Don't ever forget that."

The girl nodded before taking her aunt's hand.

—-:////——-

Cassie moved, and the doctor in Meredith shot up, scanning the monitor. She clicked the button and the nurse came in.

The nurse adjusted the IVs, sedating her enough to call in a doctor. Doctor Meredith had to fight Aunt Meredith watching them extubate her to not jump in.

Once they made sure she was breathing fine on her own, Mer plopped back into her chair. Alex had been on the hunt for coffee and came back with two in his hand just as she was sitting back down.

"She woke up."

"That's good." He handed her a cup, leaning against the wall.

"Do you think this was an accident?"

"I never pegged Cassie as one of those girls. She's too level-headed."

Meredith shook her head, "so much of this doesn't make sense."

They sat in silence for a while until the sedatives began to wear off, and the girl started walking up again. Meredith looked at her girl, weakly blinking back at her. At the eye contact, the girl started crying. Mer stroked the girl's arm, not sure what was going through the girl's head.

"What happened, Cass?"

You let me live with you, and for the first time in my life I was happy. Now I'm just sad all the time, and it's hard to get out of bed. I don't feel normal anymore. I'm so broken, Mer.

She didn't actually say anything in response. Her sobs grew so loud that she choked. Mer got up from the chair and made a point to lay down next to the girl and coax her into her arms. The girl at first tried to scoot away as she shook in her grasp, and the woman only held her tighter. She didn't know what to do here.

She waited until the girl's sobs calmed to the occasional hiccup.

"Did something happen, Cass?" She whispered, "something you're not telling me?" The girl's throat was killing her, so she shook her head. "Well, something happened."

"I...." she didn't want to tell her. Well, she did, but she couldn't.

"Was this an accident?"

Where has that come from? Wait, did they... did she think that she was trying to end it? It wouldn't have been the worst idea, but no, mostly because she didn't want to be another casualty on Mer's list.

Her throat was still raw, "Mer, I promise I wasn't trying to kill myself."

Mer nodded; a little bit more convinced of the fact. She'd left her niece for a month and she barely knew her girl anymore. She'd never pegged Cass as the type to act so violently, so either something had happened, or she'd been drugged. Cass was way too smart to do that to herself on accident.

"There's a lot we need to talk about. How about I talk the nurses into letting me break you out of here for a bit?"

Cass nodded, knowing her aunt wasn't going to take no for an answer.

She didn't remember any of their walk through the halls down the elevator towards the outside. She was so lost in thought— in confusion— that she didn't come back to the present until Mer clicked the lock on the wheelchair and sat down next to her.

"Alright kid, spill."

Cass shrugged.

"At least humor me a little. Why did you start drinking and taking drugs? That's not like you. Did your roommate pressure you?"

"Mer..."

"I know you don't want to talk about it, Cass, but I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

"I can't, Mer."

Mer was once again at a complete loss. She didn't know what else she could say or do to make her niece feel better. She wasn't giving up, but she wasn't moving forward either.

"Where do you wanna go from here?"

"What?" Cassie was not expecting that to be the next question.

"Do you wanna go back to Stanford?"

No, not really.

"Cassie, I'm sitting here, pressuring you, because I love you. And you don't deserve to go through whatever it is you're going through right now. You deserve to be happy, and you're not."

"I'm tired. Can we go back to the room?"

She was really doing that. She was pushing away one of the only good things in her life because she didn't even know how to explain the mess that her head was right now. Her mom and uncle were probably frowning at her, throwing popcorn at the tv.

Besides, she was all alone anyways, and always would be.

—-////——-

Alex was not happy in the slightest that he'd been asked to go get some of Cassie's stuff from her dorm room: computer, phone, whatever. He was worried, and this errand was not making him feel any better. He was just a little bit out of place on an all-girls floor.

After awkwardly sneaking past the front desk with the keycard he'd been given in hand, he bopped up the elevator before walking back to the room he'd helped bring boxes to.

It didn't really register to him that the roommate might've been there considering it was noon on a Monday. He heard the awful screech of the bed hinges going back and forth from the minute he got off the elevator. Whoever's roommate that was was unlucky. And yet there she was.

He didn't think to knock because his brain had been thinking about a million other things, and he'd assumed the room was empty. Sloane let out a scream before her and her partner scrambled to cover themselves. Alex rolled his eyes, turning around. "I'm Cassie's... I came to get some of her stuff. I'll be in the hall." He quickly walked out, fighting the urge not to vomit.

Two minutes later, the boy emerged, avoiding eye contact as he darted down the hall to the stairway. Sloane opened the door, her face beet red, holding it open for Alex.

It didn't register to Alex that Sloane looked familiar. She just looked like every other blonde crackhead. How did she get into Stanford?

He grabbed the computer and phone off the desk, shoving them into her bag. He grabbed the Harvard sweatshirt, SGMW baseball gap, and framed picture and threw those in the bag.

"Is she okay?" Sloane cut in.

"She's fine. Why? What do you know about it?"

"Nothing. First, she freaked out in a closet and then she didn't get out of bed except to drink and smoke. Then I find her turning blue because she was so drunk she couldn't breathe."

"Freaked out in a closet?"

"We were at a party, and we left her alone for a bit. We found her passed out in a closet, and she was acting weird."

"Weird how?"

"Like she was begging to be let out, like she was there, but not really."

Alex furrowed his brow. The only explanation for that in his mind didn't make complete sense. Had she just remembered this? Was it repressed? Was that why she lapsed?

"Is there anything else?"

Sloane shook her head, and Alex took that as his cue to leave, swinging the bag over his shoulder. He was now a man on a mission.

—-////——

He wasn't in the mood to play games. He strutted into the hospital room, where Meredith was painfully texting Maggie, and Cassie was laying in the opposite direction.

"Who hurt you?" Cassie looked startled at the question, but her face remained flat. "I know about the closet, Cassie, so don't sit there looking confused."

Meredith was confused to say the least. "What is he talking about? What closet?"

"You had a panic attack in a closet, and I'm guessing you remembered something you didn't know you forgot. Was it a foster father?"

Cassie nodded, "yes."

"Did he lock you in the closet?"

Another nod.

"Did he hit you?"

A pause, a hesitation. Cassie made the mistake of turning to look at her aunt's face— concerned, but with a new level of understanding. Cassie felt more tears on her face.

"Yes."

"Is this what's been bothering you?" Meredith looked heartbroken.

A nod. "Part of it."

"Cassie, what happened wasn't your fault. They can't touch you anymore. It's all in the past."

The past hurts like a fucking bitch.

"I know."

"Your brain repressed it because it was trying to protect you. And it was a long time ago."

Cassie tightened her jaw. What if there was more she wasn't remembering? What if she was just putting the pain Amber had every day into a little box that kept it out of her reach?

Meredith noticed. "Is there something else?"

She tried to shake her head, but at the look on Meredith's face, she realized she couldn't lie to her, not when they were sitting in a hospital. Meredith was frowning.

"In case you forgot, I've been through the ringer before. You have to talk, Cass. If not to me, then to someone. About everything." She looked from Cassie to Alex then back. "The whole truth."

"Why do you care?" It was barely above a whisper.

"Because I love you, and I'm not watching you almost die again. Understand?"

Cassie sighed. Her aunt wasn't going to let this one slide. She could omit parts of the truth, but what good would that do her? She knew she was messed up. If she told her aunt, her aunt would think she was messed up too. She could just omit parts of it if needed. "Fine, I'll tell you the truth."

Chapter Text

Telling people what hurts you, what weighs you down, is scary. It's beyond scary. Here you are, giving a piece of yourself to someone else, willing them to take it.

And they can take it and love you, or they can stomp on it and crush it and you.

It's about looking someone in the eyes and trusting them with all you have. And that's a lot easier said than done when trusting has gotten you nowhere in the past.

And the hardest thing is trusting someone with all you have inside, and still not being able to say the words.

Meredith leaned back in the chair, as if waiting. Cassie took a deep breath. She knew she should just talk so Meredith would contradict everything she said, tell her she was wrong, tell her she was loved, when she knew that. Sort of. It just got mixed up with all of the years of trauma. Meredith shot a look at Alex, who mumbled a "text me if you need me" and walked away to go find some food.

"I didn't want to go to Stanford. Everyone was so proud, and I didn't want to disappoint them." Cassie started.

"Stanford was your dream school." Meredith paused, "it was one of the first things you told me when we first met."

"It was my dream school when I didn't have a family that I wanted to stay with. But living in the frat house was comfortable, and I didn't really want to leave. I was thinking about going to U-Wash with Amber, but then Joel found out, and he was so excited. So proud. When we got there, I realized I didn't want to stay at all, but I couldn't tell you. And then Cristina came just to let me hold a synthetic heart, and I couldn't find it in me to leave." Cassie hoped the unspoken "I'm so messed up" wasn't glaringly obvious.

If it was, Mer pretended not to notice. "Why did you stop picking up the phone?"

"It made me even more homesick. And I couldn't look at you through a screen and know you were so far away. It's stupid. I'm stupid. I lived my whole life alone, and now I don't know how to be alone."

"You know how to be alone. You just don't want to be alone anymore. And that's okay. You could've told me, Cass, at any point, that you didn't want to come here. I wouldn't love you any less. And if Joel had a problem with it, he could've taken it up with me. But he wouldn't have. We would rather you were happy than at an Ivy League school. And you're not stupid, Cass. You're one of the smartest people I know, and I know a lot of smart people." Meredith cleared her throat, "but what you did to yourself was not smart. You could've died, Cass. Not to mention your grandfather is an alcoholic."

Cassie nodded, "I know."

"Then why did you keep doing it? You know how dangerous it is. You could have choked to death in your sleep. And you've lost a lot of weight, you weigh barely enough to metabolize any alcohol."

She never picked Meredith as the type to be so pressing. She'd never been this pressing. She'd always been understanding, calm, chill.

She'd scared the shit out of Meredith, and Meredith didn't scare easily.

That guilt was the worst part.

How could she tell her that she wanted to stop living? To just sleep?

Meredith suddenly caught on, faster than Cassie would deem fair. "Cassandra..." Oh dear god, she was getting the full name, she was dead. "Is this your way of telling me you want to come home? Or is this your way of telling me you want to stop?"

To stop sounded easier. It was exhausting, dealing with her head every day. She'd been a constant overthinker since she was a kid. It was a side effect of being able to take in so much information so quickly. Sometimes the wrong things churned over and over, making her feel worse with each turn.

Lately, it had been getting harder and harder to deal with. And the only time it stopped was when she wasn't sober. And apparently, that was no longer on the table.

Her lack of an immediate response was all Meredith needed to confirm her suspicions. "Was this an accident, Cassie?" She repeated.

She looked up at her aunt, and she couldn't help the pained expression that came onto her face, "I just wanted to sleep. Not to die, just... a break."

Meredith slumped back in her chair, "Okay. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to get you a medical leave from school, and you're gonna come home and we're gonna find you a therapist. If you want to go back in the spring, that's up to you. I can't tell you what to do here. You're a grownup. But I got you. I've always got you."

"Mer..." her voice broke, "I'm way more messed up on the inside than you realize. When we met, I didn't think in a million years you'd keep me. I just wanted to see you for myself. Molly always talked about how Lexie worshipped the ground you walked on, even though Molly wasn't a fan of you. She said you were messed up. And I thought to myself, I'm messed up too. Maybe, just for a moment, we can be messed up together. And even after that, I pushed down so much stuff. Because I lived with Molly, you didn't even look at me like a foster kid. You looked at me like an orphan who was living with the wrong aunt. But I have foster kid damage, just like Amber. And the fact that my mom died on a plane, and that you almost died..."

"Cassie. You said it yourself. I'm messed up. But you... you are not more messed up than anyone else. You want to know the first thing I saw in you when we met? Your mom. And your mom was the most sunshiney person I knew. But you're not your mom. You've seen worse than she did. But somehow, you were just as optimistic. You had the same idea that we were meant to be together that your mom did. And we were. Meant to be together. We are meant to be messed up together. And that's not changing no matter how much alcohol you drink." Meredith sighed, "I've never told you this story, but during my intern year, I slipped. Into freezing cold water."

"But you fought?"

"No, I didn't. I thought to myself, 'why fight'. Derek saved me. I would've died that day. My point is that sometimes you need someone else to remind you why you're fighting. I'm messed up, way more than you. That's why I'm going to remind you why you're fighting."

"I saw my mom... and Derek." Cassie blurted out. She hadn't meant to, but all this talk about her mom and Derek triggered it. "When I was dying. She told me to fight. And she told me I was never alone. And I saw her once before, when you got attacked. She told me something was going to happen to you."

Meredith snorted, "that's a shocker." She looked at her niece, "I saw her too. When I was attacked. It's weird, isn't it? How dreams work?"

"I've only met my mother in my dreams." Cassie let the forming of a smile appear, "do I get more points for that one?"

Meredith laughed, shaking her head. "Are we playing the game of whose life sucks more? Cause I always win." Her smile faded, slightly. "Your mom was right though. You're never alone. You're stuck with me. I'm going to keep repeating it no matter how many times you run away or push me away because you're scared of losing me. I can't promise I'll always be there, but I won't go down without a fight."

Cassie couldn't help the snort that came from her lips, "so you're telling me that if you saw Derek on your death beach you wouldn't run to him and stay? He seems pretty content waiting for you."

Mer's face grew serious again. "I would always come back to you. Derek can wait. He'll still be dead when I get there. You're my person."

Suddenly, Cassie had the urge to cry again. "I can't believe you kept me. I thought for sure that first day you were gonna kick me to the curb." She looked away, wiping her eyes on the hospital blanket. "And then I do this. I don't deserve you."

"Kid." Meredith sighed, getting up from the chair. Cassie looked at her, almost expecting her to walk out. The foster kid reflexes she had seen early on were coming back, it seemed like. That wasn't good. "Move over."

Cassie, still crying and confused, did her best to move over, giving Mer just enough room to lay down next to her and open her arms. "Come here, kid. Just let it all out."

Cassie was instantly reminded of when her aunt had been hospitalized. That had scared her way more than she wanted to admit. At least she'd gotten some hugs out of the deal. Cassie scooted closer, into the space she thought was just for her. Mer wrapped her arms around her, stroking a hand up and down Cassie's arm. Cass sniffled quietly, content to lay there and forget the world.

"Cass?" Her aunt cut into the silence a few moments later.

"Mhm?"

"Please don't do this again. I can't lose you too." Another sniffle, another shake. Cassie's grip tightened, and Mer hugged her firmer in return. "It's okay. I'm here. And I always will be."

----/////----

"Meredith, stop arguing with me about this! You have to go! You were nominated for a freaking Harper Avery award!"

Meredith furrowed her brow, "I just got you back! I'm not getting on a plane. Who cares about the Harper Avery? It's a stupid award."

Cassie glared at her from her spot on the couch. They'd flown home as soon as Cassie had been cleared to leave the hospital, which didn't take long because she was surrounded by doctors everywhere she went. Her aunt had grounded her to the couch, forcing someone to be home with her at all times. It was a suicide watch she definitely didn't need. "I care, Mer. You deserve to be there if you win! Alex! Shouldn't she be there?"

Alex shrugged, not in the mood to get in the middle of their squabble. "You need to decide like now. You're going to miss your plane."

Meredith groaned. "Fine. Let's go." She glared at Cassie, "I'll call you later. You better answer the phone."

Cassie nodded, flipping open a textbook in front of her. If she was going to be grounded to the house, you would bet she would be getting some college credits out of the deal. "I'll be here."

Amber came thudding down the stairs, stopping in her tracks when she noticed who was on the couch. "You're home!" She said, dropping her backpack and running to hug her sister. She soon remembered the argument they'd had on the phone and backed up, almost cautiously. "When did you get back?"

"Last night. You were already asleep. I would've called, but I wanted to talk in person. We definitely have a lot to talk about. 'I'm sorry' is at the top of the list and is listed about a thousand times."

Amber shrugged, "Apology accepted. That girl wasn't you. She was some weird Stanford zombie in your body." She paused, "I didn't like her."

"Me neither."

"Well, I'm gonna be late for class. We'll talk later when I come home. Oh gosh! The Harper Averys are today!"

"Yeah. It doesn't sound like Mer is going, though."

"Ah. She probably wants to be at home to hang out with us. That, or she just really hates award ceremonies. Okay, I gotta go or I'm gonna be late. Oh! You have to meet Hannah! I'll have to invite her over this week, or we could go have dinner with her on campus." She thudded to the door, holding it open, "I'm glad you're home, Cass." And she let the door slam, pacing down the driveway to the car.

Hannah looked up from her perch on the doorstep to see Amber pacing back up the steps. Her cheeks were tear stricken. Hannah frowned.

"She's going to be okay, Amb."

"You don't know that. I don't even know who this girl is. That girl I talked to on the phone? That used to be Cassie Grey. I want her back. Whoever this is is some cheap alcoholic rip off that almost killed her."

Hannah got up. The two of them were close, but she didn't know if they were close enough for Hannah to hug her. The hugger in her won and she threw herself at Amber, willing Amber to hug her back. "Cassie is gonna come back to you."

Amber hesitantly returned the hug. She was starting to understand that it was a thing that normal people did when they were sad. "She's my sister. She can't die."

"And she won't."

----////---

Amelia had been hovering awkwardly in the kitchen. She'd gotten up and came down, a little caught off guard to see Cassie asleep on the couch. She knew she was coming back eventually but she didn't know what to say yet.

Once everyone else left, she made her way to the couch, plopping down opposite the young girl.

She looked way thinner than Amy remembered. Her eyes looked dead. She'd seen that look in her own eyes too many times.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you in LA. I never wanted you to see me like that."

Cassie finally looked up at her. "It's okay, Amelia. I honestly just needed a distraction. But I was worried about you."

Meredith had told Amelia bits and pieces. In a lot of ways, Meredith was pointing out how similar they were. Unfortunately, it was not in the ways she wanted them to be.

"Did I ever tell you about the first time I quit drugs? Derek had to resuscitate me because my heart stopped beating. And from there, I have been fighting this battle all my life. I slip up sometimes, when it gets too hard to manage."

"It's not the same." Cassie mumbled.

"Cass, it kind of is. And I'm here to tell you that it's not the way to go here. People you love will get hurt. And you'll hurt yourself, mentally and physically. Please don't make me watch that happen to you."

Cassie frowned. What was it with all these adults asking her not to do this, not to do that. She was on a losing team here.

"It was the only time I felt normal." She mumbled under her breath.

Amelia leaned back on the couch. "That's what makes it addicting."

---////---

Amber thudded into the house, plopping down on the couch opposite Cassie. Cassie looked up from her reading, raising an eyebrow.

Cassie felt terrible about the whole thing. She felt like she needed to apologize to everyone. She kind of did, considering she'd ignored everyone. She gave Alex a hug on their way back, and he'd basically told her he'd beat the crap out of her if she scared him like that again, but that it was okay to be messed up, and that she never had to apologize for doing what she thought was right.

Amber, on the other hand, had been fighting tooth and nail to find out what was wrong since day one. And she had barely had the desire to even care about her in return or ask how she was going.

She didn't know how she would ever make up for that.

The tension in the air was making Amber a bit nervous, so she just started talking. Usually, she wouldn't give a shit, but it was her sister, so she would sit and be there. "I started writing a book. About me, you, Mer. Us. Life. It was lonely here without you. I needed a hobby. Mer wants to be the first to read it. Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't shut me down. It's all personal stuff, ya know? Well, it's not like it's gonna published or anything..." she paused, hearing her phone vibrate in her butt pocket. She pulled it out. Why was Alex calling her? She put the phone to her ear.

"You need to come to the hospital now if you can. They're live-streaming the awards."

Amber jumped off from the couch, glaring at Cassie to get up with her. Cassie motioned to the sweatpants she was wearing. Amber rolled her eyes, eyeing Cassie's suitcase on the floor. She threw it open, pulling out some jeans and a sweater, throwing them at her. "You can change in the car, just don't put your butt on Alex's new seats or he'll kill me."

The two of them narrowly made it, running up to the gallery and meeting up with Alex at the door. The two siblings walked away, but Cassie stood in her corner, mesmerized, looking down at her aunt in her scrubs, standing there so confidently. She was a warrior, a warrior who loved her and was scared for her. She went to work and saved lives and then came home to support all her kids and siblings. Cassie smiled. That was her aunt. Her person. A freaking superhero and force of nature.

"The Harper Avery award for surgical innovation goes to... Dr. Meredith Grey!"

Meredith let out a small gasp. She hadn't actually expected to win! Richard and Bailey gave her hugs, Bailey looking like she was about to cry.

"Wow! Dr. Grey was supposed to be here tonight but elected to stay in Seattle. A trauma came in and she knew she was the one for the job. Now, Meredith has lost a lot, more than most people would deem fair. She lost her little sister, Lexie Grey, who I know would have loved to be here tonight. She lost her husband, Dr. Derek Shepherd, who knew with total certainty this day would come. She lost her mother, Dr. Ellis Grey, who won this award twice, once as a resident, and probably would have won a couple more had she not been taken away from us so soon. The thing about Meredith, though, is that she turns all that pain, all that loss, and turns it into drive. Drive to save lives. I am grateful for the lessons that Meredith Grey has taught me and am proud to call her not only my colleague, but my friend. Congrats Meredith!"

The whole gallery stood up, cheering. Mer smiled. Zola was grinning ear to ear, standing next to Maggie. Then came Alex and Jo and Amber, who looked like she was going to start crying. Then came Amelia and Owen... and then...

Oh god.

Derek, Lexie, Mark, and George. They looked the same as the last time she had seen them, standing in their scrubs, not a scratch on them. Lexie grinned at her, Mark winked, George waved, and Derek looked at her the same way he did when they'd first met. He'd never lost that loving gaze.

She squinted. On the end, was her mother. Nodding at her, clapping. That was it. They were there. They were cheering her on. She'd gotten her mother's approval. There was only one person that was missing. She wiped at her eye.

Standing in jeans and a sweater, grinning ear to ear, was her niece. Looking better than she had in days. Smiling down at her, tears in her eyes. She was on the end next to Arizona, who clapped her on the shoulder as she kept clapping. She hadn't noticed her before, maybe she'd been off to the side or something.

Everyone was there, supporting her. Her phone buzzed on the table.

"It's Cristina." Bailey chirped, looking down at it, still crying like a proud mother. "I'm declining though, call her later."

Meredith let out a deep breath. Everything was turning out okay for her. She looked up again, her sister beaming at her before motioning to her daughter with a smile. Meredith smiled back.

She squinted. Where had everyone in the gallery went? Was she losing it? Had she been making faces at a ghost she was imagining for that long?

She shrugged, scrubbing out, when she walked outside the scrub room, she was attacked from three different directions. She almost fell over. Looking beyond the head of hair hugging her, were her family, waiting to hug and congratulate her too.

"Mer!!" Amber apologized, holding her up before she could fall over, still hugging her. "Sorry," she laughed. "I'll get off now." Mer smiled at her, using her free arm to hug her back. Her Little Karev.

"Mommy you did it." A murmur into her leg. She leaned her hand down to hug her daughter back as best she could. Her Zozo.

And the last one. Hugging her from the other side, silently leaning her head against Meredith's shoulder, clinging to her like a lifeline. A whisper she could barely make out. "A freaking superhero. My freaking superhero."

Meredith leaned her head against Cassie's, placing a kiss on her hair. Her Little Grey. "Always, kid."

Chapter Text

One of the scariest things I've come to realize is that life goes on after death. Not our deaths, obviously, but the deaths of people around us. I wasn't there when my mother died. I didn't even know that she had died until way after the fact.

The one death I can remember clearly is that of one of my classmates. It's a little blurry in my mind because none of us expected it. We never actually found out how he had died. One day, his chair was empty, and wordlessly, we all knew. We'd had an assembly where some adult said fake words in memoriam, and we'd all been confused, shaken.

The empty seat behind you in class used to be a person. Something that lived and breathed just as you did. Someone who had a mother and a father and brothers and sisters. Someone who had hopes and dreams and wanted to be a teacher or a surgeon or an astronaut. And when you see that chair that had this living breathing person suddenly be empty- you just know. And everyone else in that class will cry over this small piece of their history that they knew and loved and won't forget. And kids from that class will go into their basements and pull out old assignments and yearbooks and pictures and wonder when it all went wrong. They'll cry for days and debate whether or not to go to the wake and funeral. Maybe they'll decide against it to just want to remember the laughing breathing boy who sat in the chair rather than the body in the casket who left an empty chair behind.

And after all that, after watching people die—whether it be your mother, sister, husband, best friend... you just keep going. Life just keeps marching on. I think that's the scariest part.

The carousel never stops turning.

Life went as back to normal as it could have. Cassie did her schoolwork from home, dreaded going to her first therapy appointment, and everyone else just kept doing their thing. Cassie didn't know yet if she wanted to go back to Stanford; she was hoping the decision would just come to her if she waited long enough.

Sloane had called her a couple days after the whole incident. She'd been genuinely concerned, apologizing, blaming herself for what had happened. Cassie had shrugged before she realized the other girl couldn't see her. "It's not your fault; it was my choice to drink."

"But I dangled it in your face because I thought it would be fun. I didn't know how badly it would affect you."

"I don't blame you for what happened, and I don't think you should blame yourself either." Truth be told, she had been surprised that Sloane had called her. She didn't think the girl had cared about her at all.

"I hope you come back. Your side of the room will always wait for you. Although, not going to lie, I might have stolen one of your tops."

Cassie faked shock, "well that's it! The last straw!"

Sloane laughed, "I'm glad you're okay. If you're ever in need of someone to remind you to stop overthinking it, you know who to call."

The phone clicked, and Cassie wondered once again if she would ever see Stanford again.

---///----

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

Meredith turned around, too used to the amount of crap that happened to her to be surprised someone else was angry at her. "What did I do now, Joel?"

"You didn't think to tell me that my daughter was hospitalized?"

He was screaming in the middle of the hospital lobby. The gossiping nurses and doctors had already done their whole cycle about her niece. She glared at him, "do you want the whole hospital to know? Cause they already do."

"I shouldn't have to find out after the fact from Nathan. You couldn't have the common courtesy to tell me; my own daughter didn't tell me..."

Meredith rolled her eyes; she was so beyond caring about this man and his feelings. "Joel, I mean this in the nicest way possible. Cassie didn't want you to know. I wanted to give her my full attention, so I didn't call when it first happened."

He stomped his foot. "I'm her father!"

"No, you're her sperm donor. There's a difference. I once told you that it was her choice if she wanted you in her life."

"And so far, she's tried to run away from you and almost died from an overdose! Maybe she doesn't know what's good for her. She hasn't actually had a lot of prime examples so far."

Meredith fought the urge to roll her eyes for a third time. "I'm the thing Cassie needs right now. I'm sorry if that offends you. You wanna call her, fine, you wanna stop by my house, fine, but don't think for one second that you can go upsetting her because if you do, I will make sure she never has to see you again."

She walked away before she could get a response. A couple moments later, she nearly collided into Jo, who quickly muttered an apology and tried to move until Meredith saw her and grabbed her arm, gripping it so that she stopped squirming.

Jo was sobbing.

"What's wrong?"

Why was it that everyone in her life was so hell bent on suffering all the time?

"He's here. He's telling lies about me. Well, he twists the truth—"

Oh. Okay. Releasing her death grip, she turned the younger woman to face her. "It's okay. Listen to me. You're Jo Wilson. I know exactly who you are. We're going to find Alex, and we're going to find out where he is and make sure you don't have to see him again."

—///—-

Cassie had bit her tongue. She had bit her tongue that her aunt was forcing her to go to therapy even though her aunt didn't believe in therapy. She bit her tongue when her aunt forced someone to be home when she was home, so she wasn't home alone. She bit her tongue when her aunt was paranoid when she wanted to leave the house to go anywhere, to get air. She bit her tongue when her aunt sent someone from the hospital when she went for a walk around the block.

She couldn't for the life of her believe her aunt, that had given her the freedom to do whatever she wanted, wasn't trusting her not to hurt herself.

She'd destroyed her aunt, and she didn't think she could ever forgive herself.

She considered drinking.

She knew how bad it was, knew how badly it would end, knew that having everyone she loved to see her like that would hurt them. She knew.

Did they just expect her to magically feel better? Because she didn't. She still wished she didn't have to get out of bed in the morning. She got up, pretended like she was feeling better, went back to bed.

It was exhausting.

It was exhausting dealing with a shrink.

This psychiatrist worked at Grey Sloan and had worked there for years. She'd known her mother. She knew every single doctor that was in her extended family.

She hated it.

But she couldn't say no to meeting someone else who had known her mother. She couldn't say no to Meredith, who looked like she'd aged five years in the last two months. She looked exhausted all the time, and Cassie couldn't help but feel responsible.

Mer had walked her up to the first appointment. She could feel the nerves radiating off her niece that it almost made her nervous.

Cassie hadn't said a word other than the 'mhm' that she mumbled in response to Meredith's questioning about if she ate before Amber dropped her off.

Meredith grabbed the girl's hand in her own. "I'm with you, okay?"

Cassie felt the urge to grab her hand back. She'd almost winced, although she wasn't sure if that was a foster reflex or if she was just pissed. Meredith just looked at her in response. She always noticed stuff like that.

Mer wasn't going in with her. She wasn't spilling years of her own trauma to some random stranger.

Cassie didn't even say goodbye before walking into the office and slamming the door behind her. She let out a deep breath.

The lady was on the older side. Glasses perched on her nose, notepad in hand, ugly couch against the wall. She gulped, plopping herself down on the couch before the woman could get up to shake her hand.

"Hi Cassie. I'm Doctor Wyatt. I'm not sure what your aunt has told you, but I've worked here for over fifteen years. I've worked with most of the doctors here."

"My mom?"

Wyatt raised an eyebrow, "yes, I knew your mother. She was very bright and passionate. Too smart for her own good."

Cassie smiled before clearing her throat. "So, what do you know about me?"

"Just that you've had a rough patch lately because of your past. I didn't want to hear your aunt's side of the story because I want to hear your side of the story because it's your side that matters in this room."

"I'm sure she's told you already, but what do you want to know? I could write a whole book."

"You can tell me whatever you want to tell me today. But eventually, we're going to have to hit the hard points. That's where you find your ground to move on."

"Okay. I was the result of a teen pregnancy. My grandparents made my mother get rid of me, so I ended up in foster care. My mother died, and my aunt and her husband took me in, and we moved to a US base overseas. I came back to Seattle to meet my other aunt, got into a car crash on the way here, and now I live with her."

"Why did you want to meet your aunt?"

"My other aunt mentioned her the first night I lived with her. How she was a surgeon and how she'd known my mom. I wanted to see her with my own eyes."

"Or you wanted her to take you in because you didn't feel accepted where you were?"

Cassie fought the urge to roll her eyes. Here comes the psychobabble. "Probably subconsciously. Not intentionally."

"And what happened when you met her?"

"She was cold at first because I reminded her of my mom. Something changed though because she went from wanting nothing to do with me to offering to adopt me. She asked me what I wanted."

"And you wanted to be with her?"

Cassie nodded. "I did. The minute I met her."

"Why?"

"Because I felt like we had more in common and that she would understand me in a way that Molly and her family never would."

"And how was living with her?"

"We had some rough spots, but for the first time I felt like I had somewhere I belonged and like I had a family."

"Would you say you're close with Meredith?"

Another nod with no hesitation. "She's my hero."

"What happened when you went to college?"

Cassie tensed up subconsciously. She should've known this was coming.

"I got really homesick. I stopped picking up the phone and started drinking and doing drugs just to feel better. It was the only time I felt relatively normal."

"What happened that last time?"

"What?"

"You drank a dangerous portion of alcohol. If you had been drinking so frequently, you would've reached that point before, but you didn't. What was different about that day that it threw you over the edge?"

"That's not what happened! I didn't try to kill myself! I'm not suicidal! If Mer told you that, it's wrong! Your chart is wrong!"

Wyatt snorted. "You really are your aunt's niece." Her professional composure returned instantly, "why would she tell me you're suicidal?"

"Because that's what she thinks! And I didn't want to die. I just needed a break. I wanted to sleep. She's been on my ass since we got home because she's got it in her head that I'm going to slit my wrists if she leaves me alone for any time."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe your aunt is trying to protect you?"

Cassie rolled her eyes again., "yeah but she doesn't have to protect me from a threat that doesn't exist."

Wyatt shook her head. "Not like that. She's seen a lot, you know that. She sees you in herself. And she doesn't want you to follow in her footsteps. Meredith did not have someone to make sure she was okay. She doesn't want you to have to go through the same things alone. Did you ever look at it that way?"

Cassie shook her head. "People keep telling me that they see Mer in me. But I'm nothing like her. She's strong and confident and a phenomenal surgeon. I'm an alcoholic that basically got kicked out of Stanford."

"Okay. Let's break this down. You said Meredith is strong. What makes her strong?"

"She's gone through so much, and she never stops fighting."

"And wouldn't you say that you've gone through a lot too?"

"Not as much as her."

"Do you think that the quantity of bad things that happens to a person is what determines how strong they are?"

A nod. "A little, yes. Have you ever seen Rocky? The whole how hard you can get punched and keep going speech? How can you compare a clip on the shoulder to almost being beaten to death?"

"Do they both hurt?"

"Yes, but a clip on the shoulder stops hurting sooner."

"That's only if you were actually clipped on the shoulder. What if you were beaten just as bad, but were numb to it?"

Cassie sighed, "Can you just explain what you're getting at here?" Her brain worked too fast most of the time that she was tired trying to break through the psychobabble. She was definitely not going to become a psychiatrist, that was for sure.

"You think your aunt has suffered more than you, and maybe that's true, but that doesn't mean you haven't suffered. And you need to feel that pain before you can move on. And you need to forgive so you can forget."

"Forgive Meredith?"

"Yes. Forgive Meredith for hovering. Forgive your mom for giving you up and dying. Those are the big two, but I'm sure there's more."

Cassie gritted her teeth, "I forgave them a long time ago."

Wyatt shook her head, "see, that's where you're wrong. You think you forgave them, but you didn't. You're still holding onto that negative energy." She leaned back in her chair, "are you ready to hear your homework?"

---///---

Meredith had reunited Alex and Jo in a matter of a half hour and proceeded to try and find the man of the hour, Dr. Stadler. She couldn't believe he had had the nerve to try and come back here when Jo had applied for a restraining order against him.

She found him scrubbing in and cleared her throat, almost aggressively.

The man turned his head and smiled once he saw who it was. "Dr. Grey! It's an honor to officially meet you!"

It was scary how a rapist, or a murderer, or a domestic abuser looked like any old ordinary person on the outside. They didn't look threatening unless you knew the history.

"Dr. Bailey asked that I scrub in. Would you care to join me?"

Meredith found herself nodding before she could change her mind. She had held a freaking bomb in her hand. He wasn't stupid enough to try and pull something when there was a whole staff in the OR, even if he did know that she was friends with Alex and Jo, which she was suspecting he did.

They worked in silence for the majority of the surgery, apart from murmurs of process. If the other staff in the room felt the tension in the air, they didn't acknowledge it.

"So, I heard about your niece." He started, and she felt her breathing hitch.

"What about her?" Meredith continued.

"The doctor in the lobby went a little bit crazy this morning. The nurses have been gossiping. I'd hate to be involved in that mess."

Meredith didn't even know how to respond. She was terrified that he would even bring Cassie up. It was almost a threat. And she wasn't going to let this sad excuse for a man threaten her baby.

Meredith chose not to respond, motioning to the cutting at hand instead, praying to god that he was just making small talk and would get escorted out by police and never be seen again.

She didn't want to let him have the satisfaction of thinking she was scared of him too. And she was, not so much for herself, but for Jo and Alex and Cassie.

As soon as they finished closing up, Meredith excused herself. She had to get out of there and find out where everyone else was before he could leave the room.

She found Alex hovering outside the OR, looking ready to punch some dudes. Meredith furrowed an eyebrow at him, almost daring him to do it. She shook her head, "don't do something that gets you landed in jail."

"He's here. We filed a restraining order and he's here!"

"I know. We're going to make sure he leaves without seeing Jo, and then we're getting that restraining order. Have you seen Cassie?"

"Isn't she at therapy?"

"She should be. Why?"

"I just need to see her. Make sure she's still in one piece." She was sure that if she told him Stadler had almost threatened her, Alex would beat the guy to death. She cleared her throat. "I'm going to go see Cassie. Don't do anything stupid."

She found Cassie walking down the hallway towards the elevator. At the albeit spooked look on her aunt's face, she grew concerned. Who died this time?

"What's wrong?"

At seeing that her niece was perfectly fine, her face relaxed. "Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you made it through therapy."

"Uhhh... something is wrong. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Mer!"

"Jo's ex husband is in the hospital."

"Wait. The one who..."

"Yeah. So how was therapy?"

Cassie bit her lip. She needed to write some things down, sort through her thoughts. There were quite a few of them floating around in her brain. "It was okay. She gave me homework. Can I take the car?"

"Where are you going?"

"To do the homework..." Cassie rolled her eyes, "I'll take Amber if you're that paranoid about it."

Meredith sighed. "Fine, Cass. Go alone. Please don't make me regret letting you. You made me a promise, remember?"

A promise not to kill myself. I remember. She nodded. "Fine."

Meredith felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Alex. Oh god, what now? "He's dead! Someone nailed him in the parking lot."

"Was it you?"

"No! I've been sitting with Jo and Bailey in her office."

Meredith couldn't fight the laugh that escaped her lips. So much death, but this one was definitely deserved. "Well, that was easier than I thought it was going to be." She turned to Cassie, "I'll see you at home. I love you."

---////---

She left Amber at home and made the drive. It was a drive she hadn't ever gone on. She had thought about it a lot when she first moved in with Meredith, but she didn't know how to approach the subject.

To be quite honest, she wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel about it. She had never actually met the woman, weird dreams aside.

She drove to the cemetery, leaving the car in the parking lot and walking, hands in pockets, towards the spot she had been told it was in.

Her mother's grave had a couple withering flowers, along with some rocks. Meredith hadn't been here in years, and Thatcher was probably too drunk to try. Maybe these flowers were from a patient or something. Her mother had been loved, but most of the people she loved were dead.

She knew Meredith missed her sister, but she wasn't the type to go weep over a grave. She doubted that Mer had been here since she had moved in. It was okay. She understood.

"Hi mom. Sorry I haven't actually come out here before. It feels like we've met though because you keep coming to visit me in my dreams. I think you're listening. Who knows? Death is weird. Anyways, my therapist gave me homework to forgive the people I think have caused the most change in my life. You gave me life, and you set me on my path when you didn't keep me. I'm sorry for resenting you, but I do. We could've been together, but instead I spent my first ten years alone and unloved. And then you died. I never got to know you. But..." she paused, her eyes scanning the area around her. "I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving, for giving me up, for never trying to find me. I have to believe that you loved me and that you did what you thought was right. I forgive you, Mom. I thought I did before, but the truth is, I didn't. I forgive you."

She sat down, leaning against the stone. She hoped her mother was happy with that, wherever she was.

She took the wind blowing in her hair as the affirmative. That was all she had, and she was going to take it while she could.

She forgave with everything inside of her.