Work Text:
Jess Mariano x Reader
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You held the letter in your hands, unsure how to feel.
Your thumb brushed over his familiar handwriting, the cold air was not alone in chilling you.
It'd been a few weeks since Jess left Stars Hollow, he hadn't said a word to anyone and you were still heartbroken.
You and Jess had a rocky relationship, to say the least, you were a bit on and off, he'd dated Rory for a time even after he'd told you he wasn't interested in her, but then again she'd said the same thing to Dean, maybe they were made for each other.
Dean had moved on and had a girlfriend, you had not had so much luck, too focused on thinking of anything but Jess or dating ever again. You focused on college and figuring out what you wanted to do. Jess had always been a writer, you felt it was his calling, he could somehow spin his suffering into such page-turners full of woe, you loved when he'd let you have a peek at his journals or a short story, but you never knew what you were made for.
You'd written a song once, let your friend use it for her band, it was actually pretty good, you'd been proud and Jess had been impressed but you never thought more about it. Now you were forced to look into your future, there was a guitar club on your campus and you were thinking of joining.
You had been learning more about music and you were falling in love with it fast, making all kinds of friends. A girl who worked in the library seemed to be stuck on you, chatting you up every time she saw you browsing the literature section. Ramona, her name, was sweet, her hair soft red waves with a spray of gentle freckles along her cheeks, her light blue turtleneck had clung to her chest in a way you couldn't look away from this morning, she was nothing like Jess and you kind of like that. Sometimes you found yourself wanting to give into her incessant flirtation, but now as you held his handwriting on these thin sheets you felt like your heart had become a chasm where pretty girls in tight sweaters couldn't reach you and only boys with dark curls and dangerous eyes could hurt you.
Anxiety gushed through your chest in cold adrenaline-laced spurts, you tried to read it without stopping this time.
‘Dear (Y/n),
I know I should've called but I didn't trust myself to say anything to you out loud without getting frustrated, so I wrote this to you.
I'm sorry, not just about Rory but the whole thing, breaking both your hearts, lying to you, I thought you'd always be there and I took advantage of it, I was being a jerk because I was scared we were just going to end up hating each other if we stayed together.
When I was with Rory everything seemed to be looking up but I began to miss you in a way that made mourning look easy, then I tried to distract myself by wrapping myself up in Rory and abandoning the remains of friendship you were trying so hard to keep. Then I found out I wasn't graduating from all the skipping for work, I kept this from you, I kept it from everyone. I know everyone thinks I'm the fuck up who broke Rory’s heart, but I remember what I did to you too. We were forgiven so fast for getting together and leaving you and forester in the dust I didn't really think about it for a while. But then as I fought with Rory in a way that was different from fighting you I realized why I missed you, we fought but at the end of the day you were still my best friend, you were always there for me even when I didn't deserve it.
I don't deserve it even now but I hope you're reading and you know how truly sorry I am, how long you've kept me awake, wondering if we could ever be like that again if I could ever hold you or kiss you again. I want you to know that I still love you, and I'll say it every day as many times as you like for even a chance to even just see you again.
Please give me that chance.”
He left his information on the back of the last page, your eyes stung with tears, everyone had made a big fuss about Jess hurting Rory but barely anything was said when Dean broke it off with Rory and Jess technically cheated on you with her, they started their relationship soon after and he only broke up with you after he remembered to do so. He'd said he was tired of the fighting, your attitude, but you'd known better. But as you looked at what he said your heart felt soft even with how much he hurt you he always knew how to pull at your heartstrings.
You folded the letter and put it in your book bag, Jess had spilled his heart on those pages but you weren't sure you were ready to forgive, you needed some time to think so you decided to head to town to go get a bite to eat.
Al’s pancake world was closed early, something about a kitchen fire, there were a couple other places in town but nothing that sounded too appealing, you had a specific craving. Luke’s diner sign shined like a beacon to your hungry mind, you hadn't been in there in so long out of fear of seeing Jess, but Jess had left town and only held residence through his penmanship in your bag, it seemed a safe bet.
The bell jingles as you walked in, the sky was painting lilac outside as night ushered in, not many people were in tonight, seemed odd as this was usually when the dinner rush came in but who knows with Stars Hollow maybe everyone was too busy with some kind of spectacle you'd missed. Luke didn't look up from what he was doing just telling you the special as you sat at the counter.
“That special doesn't sound very special.”
His eyes send wide recognizing your voice
“(Y/n)!- I mean hey uh, how you been doing kid? You haven't darkened my storefront in months.”
You smiled, glad to see him even after it all Luke had been in your life long before Jess, everyone knew and loved him, well most people, Taylor's shrill complaints as he bagged your groceries crossed your mind but your day instantly felt lighter breaking this unintentional silence between you two.
“I’ve been okay, just getting through college, finished up my classes today and decided I was too tired to cook so here I am.”
His smile was somber as he nodded, he hadn't known it but he'd missed you sitting there, missed you in the apartment or even just catching a glimpse of you as you carted his nephew around town. Don't get him wrong Luke loved Rory like a daughter and hed kind of liked the idea of them together once it happened, but he hadn't liked how hurt you'd been, how Jess had destroyed the only other friendship Luke knew he had.
You ordered a coffee and a piece of cake, deciding to be bad and have a sweet for dinner, your mom wouldn't know. Your mind itched thinking of the letter, the phone number, his address.
He was in California, a sunny state for a storm cloud of a boy you thought you'd been in love with.
It hurt this much, maybe you could admit you were still a little in love with him.
The customers dwindled to just you and one other patron obviously getting ready to head out, you'd been reading as Luke refilled your coffee, he cleared his throat and you looked up.
“Have you been okay..now since-”
“I won't lie to you I wasn't, but..”
There was a pregnant pause between you, everything felt so quiet and you didn't know why you were scared to say it, it was something so mundane but it had such an impact on you.
“I got a letter from him in the mail today..he said he was sorry.”
Luke saw your glassy eyes and cursed in his head, Jess had wrecked so many when he left, he wouldn't speak to him and he wrote you probably because he was too scared to talk to you.
“He wants me to answer him, to see him, but I'm not sure I have the heart to do it again, I love him so much Luke but I don't think I can let him hurt me again.”
Hot tears streaked your cheeks and he took your hand, uncomfortable with the situation but he was willing to give you support, he hoped maybe what he was about to tell you would be some kind of comfort or at least help you in some way.
“He told me late one night after he fought with Rory, he was holding that book you gave him on his birthday and he realized he still loved you.., I told him he couldn't string you both along, that he had to let you go so you could move on,”
You hiccuped at his confession, surprised he was telling you these things
“He's my nephew and I love him, and I can tell you love him, god knows why when you deserve a lot better, but even if he does love you that doesn't mean you have to go running right back to him, make the right decision for you.”
You nodded, taking in what he was saying, you did love Jess but he was right that didn't mean you had to answer him, you had to keep what was best for you in mind.
“Thanks, Luke, do you think I could have my check, I just wanna head home and rest.”
“Don't worry about it kid it's on the house, but don't think tears will get you a free meal every time, gotta keep the lights on in this place somehow."
You laughed and you were about to serve him a sarcastic reply when a chatter everyone knew in this town chimed louder than the bell above the door
“Luke we've come for our late night snack.”
“Don't you know late night snacks are bad for you?”
“If they're so bad why do they taste sooo good? Two pieces of chocolate cake to go.”
Luke gave Lorelai a faux annoyed stare as he went to pack up her order. You were too scared to look behind you, afraid Rory would be standing there. Lorelai hummed at the counter not seeming to notice you and you realized Rory must’ve decided to wait outside.
You turned to confirm your suspicions, her back was to the window, maybe you could just rush past her without risking interaction.
“Night Luke, Thanks again!”
You called to him quickly over the counter, he threw you a quick ‘no problem’ punctuated with a ‘get home safe’.
You walked out of Luke’s keeping your head down and trying to speed by, Rory didn’t seem to catch it was you, or so you thought until you heard jogging footsteps trying to catch up with you.
“(Y/n)!”
“Leave me be Gilmore.”
“Please just let me talk to you.”
You and Rory crossed the street, she didn’t seem to be relenting any time soon so you stopped, knowing deep down you’d have to talk to her someday.
“What.”
“I’m sorry.”
You scrunched up your brow in annoyance
“I’m hearing that a lot today how about something new on the radio, Gilmore.”
She looked at you, those big baby blues that melted hearts and charmed the townspeople, you’d like her once, hell you didn’t even 100% hate her even if she’d swindled your boyfriend away, but then again it takes two to tango and a man can only be as faithful as he wants to be.
“(Y/n) you and Jess are so alike with your attitude sometimes, you want to close yourself off but I know it hurt you too when Jess left I’ve seen you around town and you look just as miserable.”
Rory had been going to Yale and had spent her summer in Europe, how had she ever seen you? Maybe you’d missed her in passing during one of her visits home.
“And I never told you I was sorry, I made amends with Dean but not you and I’m sorry, I’m sorry I was a coward and didn’t own up to it even when I found out we were cheating.”
You swallowed the lump in your throat wishing she’d just go away, or you’d just turn into dust and float away into the wind never to be seen again or deal with this heartache, you’d be stardust and stardust didn’t have to be confronted on the street with red-ringed eyes by a girl who could’ve been your friend before she decided to join the boot party Jess had initiated on your emotions.
“If I say I forgive you will you let me go?”
“I know you wouldn’t mean it and I don’t want you to forgive me, I just wanted you to know so you wouldn’t feel like no one saw your pain.”
Tears spilled over your cheeks again, she was supposed to be the bad guy but for fuck's sake.
“Okay, I’m gonna go now, I think your mom is calling you back there.”
Rory hugged herself, feeling insecure under your gaze and heard her mother's call’
“See you around Gilmore.”
She didn’t say anything else as you trekked into the night.
You were home alone the next morning, no classes today, you didn’t have work at the video store until 3, it was noon so you made a light lunch for yourself and sat in front of your weekday trash blaring television.
You munched quietly as two girls argued about multiple things you weren’t paying enough attention to connect when your eyes lingered on your home phone.
Ever since you got home last night it has been bothering you.
He was just a call away your heart said.
But you shouldn’t call your brain rationalized.
Your brain seemed to be winning the fight until you flipped the channel, a hallmark kind of movie played across the scene, Black and white as a young woman with perfectly painted lips and her blouse unbuttoned just right with dainty tears wailed
“ I never got to tell him I loved him, he was a bastard but I loved him!”
You felt your heart clench as she cried over his what you assumed was his dead body, the muffled old music played and you flipped to a cooking show trying to soothe yourself.
You didn’t think he’d die if you didn’t call, but what if you regretted it? What if you never said your piece and you really never spoke again?
What if Jess was really gone forever?
Your heart came in strong as you scrambled to grab the letter, flipping through the pages until you found the one with his number again.
You held the phone in your hand, hovering over the last number with your thumb, you felt nauseous as you took the plunge and pressed it. It rang six times, six times and your heart beat so hard and sank so low you felt it cold and racing in your stomach.
“Hello?”
“Jess?”
There was a long pause, you were scared you’d misdialed, or maybe he’d changed his mind about wanting you to call or write.
“(Y/n) please tell me I’m not dreaming.”
You barked out a clipped laugh
“No Jess, I’m pretty sure you're awake, or at least I hope so.”
The quiet came again, you were sure he was trying to get his words right but your smile fell and you spoke
“You hurt me, Jess.”
He sighed
“Babe I know.”
“I don’t think you do.”
He seemed surprised and the quiet became uncomfortable with this added tension so you kept talking
“You told me you didn’t love Rory, then you did, you loved her and wanted to take her to our prom even after you’d told me you’d always thought things like that were dumb, how we’d skip out together and do our own thing because that’s just who we were, but Rory Gilmore just showed you a whole new light made the world beautiful and meaningful or some garbage so that meant I had to get kicked to the curb in the fall out of your new squeaky clean lifestyle.”
“(Y/n)-“
“I’m not fucking finished, then you’ve been lying to everyone and you two break off and you have the audacity to write this fucking letter saying you loved me and you’ve always loved me, all while you’re licking your wounds in California, you can spin pretty words on paper Jess but I’m not fucking dumb and I’m not gonna be your second choice.”
“You were my first choice! I was with you first wasn’t I?”
You fumed
“Yeah but you always were pining for Rory.”
“I thought I was waiting around for her but I really do love you, (Y/n) I’ll say it a thousand times if I have to.”
“That doesn’t mean anything Jess, you can say you miss me and that you love me but those things don’t mean anything to me when you said them before and fucked me over.”
You heard him sigh over the phone
“I don’t know how to show you how I feel, I wrote it all down and you called and I was sure we were going to work this out but I don’t know what to do (Y/n).”
“Jess-“
He cut you off
“If you don’t love me anymore just tell me, just tell me you don’t and I’ll leave you alone for good.”
You wanted to be bitter and say it and hang up, but your guts ached and you began to cry
“Wait-shit- (Y/n).”
“I love you so much it makes me so angry sometimes, but I can’t Jess I can’t let you lead me around like some lovesick puppy when I need to start working on my future.”
“(Y/n) please, I don’t want to lead you on I want to be with you, I’ll do anything!”
He sounded frustrated like he was getting scared, he knew this could be the phone call that cut you off from him for what could be forever and he wasn’t ready for it.
“Anything?”
He answered desperately, catching the line you were throwing
“Anything.”
You sniffed and sighed
“Fine Jess, get your life together, I don’t want to see or hear from you until you’ve accomplished something you’ve actually dreamed about, don’t write me, don’t call me, don’t see me until you know for sure I’m who you want and you’re not just looking for someone to comfort you because everyone’s mad at you.”
“(Y/n) I do have it together, I have a job, I’m living somewhere=”
“You don’t and you said anything, Jess, so get it together and I’ll see you when you’ve cleared your head and not a minute sooner, ‘
And even then I’m gonna have to think about it’ You thought to yourself
“Goodbye, Jess.”
“(Y/n) wait.”
You groaned but stayed on
“What?”
“I love you, and I’m going to show you that okay?”
You sniffed, squeezing your eyes shut to cut off the remaining flow of your tears, and then relaxed
“I love you too Jess.”
You hung up the phone, and hoped he’d do what he said he would.
For his sake and yours.