Work Text:
[Mood: Looking In - Mariah Carey]
Jungkook laid in the king-sized bed staring at the glossy, pale-white ceiling for what seemed like hours, tears streaming down either side of his face and onto his pillows, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, mind spiraling into circles as it tried to create some semblance of peace and tranquility for itself. Broken sobs and whimpers filled the silent air of his spacious bedroom, and soon, Jungkook found himself in a fetal position, arms wrapped around his knees as he pulled them close to his chest, body aching for the comfort of human contact, but settling for the warmth that this position provided. As his cries for help – to no one in particular – gradually died down into a series shaky breaths and occasional hiccups, Jungkook found himself even more emotionally drained than usual. It hadn’t been that long since the last episode, too, which meant that not only were these things – whatever they were – becoming more intense, but they were also happening more frequently.
Untangling his limbs, Jungkook leaned over to the nightstand on his right, elbow digging into the mattress for support, and grabbed his phone along with a glass of water. He sat up with his legs crossed, back against the headboard, pillows supporting his lower back, and placed the phone on his thighs as he brought the glass cup to his lips, taking large gulps of water to rehydrate himself from all the crying. After finishing, he put the cup back in its place, glass dinging when it touched the wooden nightstand, and grabbed his phone which had slipped off his thigh and onto the bed.
He turned the phone and swiped it open, front facing camera still open from the last time it was used. The room was dark save for the static coming from the television directly across from him, some 15 feet away, so he could still, just barely, make out some of his features. His eyes were red, dark bags prominent underneath, typical of these episodes, and the rest of his face looked dry and puffy. His stylist was going to kill him when she got her hands on him, he thought to himself, referencing the habit he’s formed of showing up to schedules looking like a heartbroken teenager. He closed the camera app and clicked on the web browser, his palms clammy and his breaths shallow in anticipation of what he might find out. Not all doors lead to a happy place, his grandmother used to tell him, and that’s what scared Jungkook the most, opening the gates to heartache. The only thing that gave him any hope was that, surely, things couldn’t get much worse than this; this the hell he was already living. With that in mind, he went on Naver and typed in the first thing that came to mind.
“What is wrong with me?”
That search received several thousand results, a sea of websites comprising of an odd mix of mental health questionnaires and gossip sites. As he scrolled down the seemingly bottomless well of links, Jungkook couldn’t find anything that wasn’t mental illness related.
“Well that’s not any damn help,” Jungkook thought aloud, biting his lip and continuing to scroll down the webpage, tongue pressing against his cheek in frustration. There had to be some other explanation for whatever was going on with him. Something that had absolutely nothing to do with his mental health. There was nothing wrong with Jeon Jungkook’s, veteran singer, novice actor, mental health. There couldn’t be. He was THE K-Pop heartthrob, the crown jewel of South Korean music, and the boy who was going to lead the hallyu wave to the top of western charts. His career, his livelihood, and those of the hundreds of people he employs, all depended on how the public perceived him, so it had to be something else. Something that was easily explained away, preferably with a quick fix. Something normal.
But as Jungkook scrolled further and further down the results, he couldn’t help but ponder that a mental illness could explain everything from the apathy to the feeling of doom. From the inability to get out of bed in the morning to the immense, and oftentimes suffocating, feeling of impending doom that seems to come out of nowhere. From the overwhelming feeling of restlessness about his future to the lack of motivation to do anything about it, the longer he considered the possibility, miniscule as it seemed, the more plausible it became. When the realization dawned on him, Jungkook felt a wave of dread wash over him, goosebumps erupting all over his body, and shivers shaking him all the way down to his core, a hallow feeling of uneasiness settling in his gut. As he placed his phone on his bed, he felt the contents of his stomach rush up his esophagus and sit in the back of his throat, giving him just barely time to get up and run to the bathroom adjacent to the master bathroom, Jungkook thought about the repercussions of a scandal of this magnitude, if it were to ever get out. The stuff of nightmares, that’s for sure.
After he flushed the toilet and thoroughly washed his hands of the vomit, Jungkook returned to his bedroom and attempted to try again with a more open heart and mind. Crawling into his bed, the singer sat up straight, legs crossed, and grabbed the thick black duvet to wrap himself in a makeshift cocoon, head poking out of the top, phone in one hand and the other rubbing his upset stomach. He unlocked the phone again and went back to Naver, intent on getting somewhere this time. There, he saw a YouTube video in the ‘related’ section of the page that piqued his interest because of the pretty Korean, idol-looking boy in the thumbnail.
“DATE GONE WRONG #anxiety | ASMR!” The title read.
Straight to the point, he liked that. Jungkook clicked on the video and while waiting for it to load, he leaned over to the nightstand where he got his water from earlier, and went inside the drawer to get a pair of earbuds.
“Hello my beautiful stars, how are you guys doing?” The boy said in the sweetest tone Jungkook had ever heard, stopping the singer in his tracks and reducing him to an awestruck teenager. His skin was a pale white, almost like porcelain, perfectly contrasting his jet-black hair and plump, pink lips. He was speaking in a broken English but had Korean subtitles, Busan slang making Jungkook laugh nostalgically. Jungkook was mesmerized by the boy’s voice and by the ease with which he had talking to an audience of – Jungkook shifted his gaze to look at the subscriber count – 3.2 million subscribers. The boy – Park Jimin – spoke as if he was simply having a casual conversation with a friend, voice steady and sure of itself as he motioned his arms with the flow of the story, seemingly engaging his entire body in the story. It made Jungkook feel at ease, something he’s desperately yearned for, in the frenzy of celebrity life.
“Today, stars,” Jungkook snapped back to reality when the tone of Jimin’s voice shifted ever so slightly, “we’re going to be talking about the time I had a panic attack while out on a date,” Jungkook looked at the screen, confused as to how someone, especially a Korean of all people, could be so casual about dating and mental health. It was strange to say the least, and ‘panic attack?’, what was that? Did his date attack him? Why didn’t he just report him to the police instead of telling his 3 million subscribers along with anyone else who stumbles upon this video? Jungkook thought to himself. The singer felt a bit turned off from the video, but couldn’t pinpoint why. Was it because he was being so relaxed with his personal life? Was it because he was jealous he couldn’t do that, speak openly about his issues – whatever they may be? Or was it because he knew, deep down, that whatever this Park Jimin was about to say would change everything?
“Well, I was on Tinder one afternoon, just swiping away,” the video continued, “mainly swiping left because we all know how picky I am,” Jimin felt the need to quickly mention, “and I stumbled upon this guy, uh… let’s call him…uh,” the YouTuber paused for a few seconds, seemingly unsure of himself, a striking contrast from his earlier confidence, and Jungkook didn’t miss the fact that Jimin was interested men.
“Taemin!! Yes, let’s call him Taemin.” He paused again, more briefly this time, and continued, voice a little more cheerful than before. Jungkook was noticing all the brunette’s small quirks, a talent he’s mastered being around entertainment industry snakes. From the small pauses to the way he looks everywhere but the camera when he feels unsure of himself, it was all kind of cute is Jungkook was being honest.
The video continued, Jimin giggling away as he told the story of how he matched with the guy and was subsequently asked out on a date, something that doesn’t happen often, he added slyly. Jungkook caught himself smiling at his phone as Jimin continued, the YouTuber going on long tangents about the outfit that he wore that night and the makeup look he promised to re-create on camera. Jimin did such a good job telling the story that Jungkook almost forgot the particular set of circumstances that led him to this channel, and to the boy, in the first place.
Almost.
“So we’re sitting down at this very fancy restaurant in Gangnam” Jimin put emphasis on the very, stretching the syllables out, “and I suddenly get this feeling of imminent doom in the pit of my stomach, right here,” Jungkook froze as Jimin motioned towards his upper abdomen, the description hitting a little too close to home, “and I just freeze, not knowing what else to do in such a public setting.” The seriousness in Jungkook’s eyes as he listened to Jimin describe the feeling – that he’s never been able to give a name to – matched the intensity of Jimin’s voice as he recalled the story.
“And so, this nausea sets in my stomach and just sits there like...,” Jimin pauses briefly and Jungkook stares at the screen, anxiety bubbling in his skin as he waits for whatever is coming next, “like it’s waiting for the most inopportune time to make its move, and come out,” Jimin giggled, seeming to remember something, and Jungkook stared at the screen in confusion, “and that’s exactly what happened.” The YouTuber paused again and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath and continued.
“He has no idea what’s going, so when I suddenly stand up, the chair toppling over behind me, he looks at me like he’s just seen a ghost,” Jungkook can’t help but chortle at the image his mind conjured up of an unsuspecting guy being startled like that, “and, in hindsight, his face was completely warranted because of what came next.” Jungkook doesn’t know if he should be laughing right now because, although he felt afraid of whatever might be coming next, the way Jimin described it, so casually and sarcastically, made the entire situation seem distant, like he didn’t also feel this way sometimes.
Jimin shyly laughed and continued, “I hope you all know that I never planned to tell this story because it’s so mortifying but I’m only doing it because I love you all,” Jimin made Jungkook feel like he was a part of the family, like he was safe there, and the singer was grateful, “as soon as I stand up, the nausea decides that this is the moment it’s been waiting for, and,” Jimin laughs again, mortified look in his eyes as he recalled the story, “and I projectile vomited all over the table and his food.”
Jungkook paused the video, blankly stared at the screen for a few seconds and fell into a fit of laughter, unable to control himself at the hilarious turn the story took, diaphragm and jaw aching from how hard he’s laughing. Falling over in his bed with the onyx colored duvet still wrapped around him, Jungkook let go of his phone and continued to laugh for what seemed like an eternity. When his laughter finally died down, Jungkook looked over to the grey digital alarm clock that was on the nightstand to his left. He had to get up at 7 AM and it was currently 2. His manager was going to kill him. Jungkook unlocked his phone, quickly subscribed to Jimin’s channel, not thinking much of it, and went back to bed, arms tucked underneath his pillow with one knee bent up and the other going straight down, heart feeling lighter and mind a lot clearer.
*****
The following morning at 6:30 AM on the dot, Jungkook’s manager, Kim Seokjin, woke the idol up in a fury, saying something or the other about his official YouTube channel and how he needs to be more mindful of what he does on it. The singer was still in bed, limbs splayed out in a star formation, and his breathing shallow from sleep, when Seokjin came barging inside like he does every single morning they have a schedule. Jungkook had grown accustomed to it and although he went to sleep late the night before, he was in such a good place when he did, that he woke up with relative ease, and in a surprisingly chirpy mood. The same could not be said about his manager who was throwing a fit, lunging pillows at the sleeping singer.
“Jin-hyung, stop,” Jungkook said groggily, voice raspy and deep from sleep, “what’s wrong, let’s stop hitting me and just talk.” That seemed to anger the manager even more who looked like he was seeing red.
“Just talk?” Seokjin began in a condescending tone, no bite behind it, “Yah, Jeon Jungkook,” uh-oh, Seokjin never called him by his full name; Jungkook sat up in bed, slightly hunching, slowly rubbed his eyes and yawned before giving the elder, five years his senior, who was currently pacing in the room, his undivided attention.
“Have you not watched any Korean media outlet in the past 4 hours?” The manager began, stopping at the foot of Jungkook’s bed, left hand on his hip and the other rubbing his temples in sheer annoyance,
“Like any news site or radio at all? Hell, even the freaking American’s have been covering this crap!” He exclaimed, volume in his voice steadily rising. Jungkook looked around the room and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, not saying anything since he didn’t quite know how to respond and wanted to avoid upsetting the elder even more.
“Yah!! Are you ignoring me?!? Really!? You will be the death of me,” Seokjin continued, eyes wide, neck veins bulging, and his hair slightly disheveled. Jungkook noticed the bags under the manager’s eyes and the hoarseness to his voice which meant that the elder hadn’t slept yet. Seokjin was usually a very well mannered, mellow individual, albeit a little cocky with regards to his attractiveness, but humble nonetheless, so there had to have been something serious going on for him to come out of character like this.
“Hyung,” Jungkook began, voice small and raspy but firm; Jin’s breathing evened out and he pushed his hair back, “I don’t know what’s going on so please tell me so we can talk about it.” He finished calmly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and pushing his arms behind his head to stretch before sitting up straight.
“You,” the manager took a deep breath, almost cleansing, “followed a famous YouTuber by the name of ChimASMR last night and the internet blew up as a result because apparently,” Seokjin swallowed before continuing, “you liking ASMR is the end of the freaking world.” He finished, voice curt and almost mocking in nature. Jungkook was confused as to how people found out he followed Jimin, but was even more bewildered by the fact that people somehow managed to create an issue out of basically nothing.
“And why exactly is this a fucking problem?” Jungkook asked bluntly, words laced with venom and head tilted slightly as if to dare the manager, or anyone else for that matter, to try to tell him what to do. Jungkook gave Seokjin, who was currently looking back at him in shock, a dark, menacing glare as his lips formed a tight line, his back slumped in pure vexation. The manager didn’t know what to say so he settled on the facts.
“Well, people think ASMR is strange so they don’t want you associated with that kind of stuff-,” Seokjin tried to explain before the singer cut him off.
“And what is ASMR, hyung?” Jungkook asked, voice cracking in defeat, his expression softening and reverting to its childlike state, doe eyes, and pouty lips on full display. It looked like he could burst into tears at any moment.
“Aish, this kid,” Seokjin replied, raising his hands as if to slap Jungkook, and the singer faked a flinched, responding to the manager’s attempt to diffuse the tension in the room, “it’s that whispering stuff on the internet that everyone seems to like now.”
“Huh, that’s a thing?” Jungkook asked, confusion written all over his face, “I mean,” he continued, “I noticed the whispering and all,” he cleared his throat awkwardly, “but I thought that was just one of his weird habits.” Seokjin’s back straightened and his eyes brightened, smile growing on his face as he stared at Jungkook in excitement.
“Go on,” Jungkook told the elder, sighing as he opened the flood gates and allowed Seokjin to tell him whatever ridiculous plan he had in mind to fix all of this.
“Ok so we can simply release a statement that you don’t know what ASMR is and that you were just bored and started watching random videos,” he began, words leaving the managers mouth at a thousand meters a second in excitement, “I know it’s not ideal because it’ll still make you seem normal, and like the average person, which isn’t really good for someone of your revered stature, but it’s a lot better than the alternative.” Seokjin finished, slightly out of breath from speaking so fast and giddy at himself for coming up with such a brilliant idea. Jungkook gave a quick glance to the manager, saw the smile on his face and didn’t have the heart to say no.
“Go for it, just make sure I can sleep,” Jungkook began, already laying back down, pulling the duvet over his head, blocking out all light and guiding him towards sleep.
“Oh yeah, Bang-nim said you have two and a half weeks off,” the manager began, clicking away at his phone and starting the process of releasing a formal statement, “or at least until all this blows off.” Jungkook jumped up in the bed, ripped the covers off himself and stared at the manager with wide eyes.
“What?!?” The singer tried, Seokjin looked up from his blackberry to find a panicked-looking Jungkook, black hair frizzed up in all directions, and dark bags forming under his red eyes, shooting daggers into his skull. Jungkook slipped out of the bed and powerwalked to the foot of his bed where Seokjin was standing, desperation evident in his eyes as he shook the elder, “This can’t be happening, hyung, I need to work,” he exclaimed, fear setting in, “I can’t just stay in this big apartment all alone for two weeks!!”
Seokjin stopped Jungkook from shaking him and smacked his hands away, “First of all, it’s only two and a half weeks, don’t be so dramatic,” the elder began, tone firm, leaving no room for discussion, “and you have plenty of stuff to do.” The manager forced a smile and Jungkook looked up at him with his eyebrows furrowed, doe eyes watering and his lips in a full pout, pleading for some sort of middle ground.
“Nuh-uh,” Seokjin began, breaking eye contact with the singer, “not happening,” he continued, “you can’t guilt trip me this time. This order is coming from the head honcho himself.” Jungkook looked down at the floor in defeat and sniffed his runny nose.
“S’okay hyung,” Jungkook said in the smallest voice he could muster, “’s alright,” he sniffed again, rubbed his eyes and sighed before turning around to walk back towards his bed. When he heard the manager inwardly groan and stomp on the floor a few times, he knew he’d succeeded. Jungkook smiled to himself.
“Fine,” Seokjin began, and Jungkook tried his best to contain his smirk, “you can have company over,” Jungkook turned around and started jumping towards the elder in excitement, akin to a bunny who’s just been given a treat, and the manager couldn’t help but smile, “but only people you know. We don’t want another scandal brewing while we’re trying to get rid of this one.” Jungkook nodded in agreement, hugging the elder for doing whatever possible to make these next few weeks are bearable as possible.
“Ugh,” Seokjin began, feigning disgust, and Jungkook giggled like a pre-pubescent teenager “get off me.” Jungkook backed away and smiled at the elder, head tilted ever-so-slightly, while he thanked him.
“Thank you so much, Jin-hyung, you have no idea how much this means to me,” Jungkook said, smile reaching his eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” the elder replied, turning his body to head to the door, “oh, and I forgot to mention,” he continued, capturing the singer’s attention yet again, “you have a new fan.” The manager winked before heading out the door, leaving a perplexed Jungkook to figure out what he meant. The boy tried to think about it for a few moments as he walked back to his bed but couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out what Seokjin was talking about. A few minutes later, as if on cue, Jungkook’s phone vibrated. It was Seokjin texting him.
“Check your twitter mentions,” the message read.
The singer gushed as he read the tweet, heart stammering in his chest, and blood rushing to his face, dusting it a faint red. He sent a risky reply, given his current predicament with the public, clicked the follow button and went back to bed, smile wide and thoughts racing.
*****
The next time Jungkook woke up, the sun was setting, rays shining in through his large floor-to-ceiling windows and painting his room a yellow-orange hue. He groggily rubbed his eyes and sat up in his bed, muscles sore from sleep. The first thing he did was grab his phone and see if Jimin had followed back. He did; leaving Jungkook with yet another massive grin plastered on his face. Below that notification were a dozen messages from Seokjin, most nagging at him for being insolent and a few advising him to stay off social media for the next few days. The singer’s stomach rumbled, an overwhelming craving for convenience store beer and tteokbokki suddenly striking him. He threw his phone on his bed and went to get ready, Seokjin’s advice forgotten. Donning a pair of black skinny jeans, an oversized olive-green sweater, a black surgical mask, and some shiny black Puma shoes, Jungkook walked out the door.
While getting his food, Jungkook nauseas and his heart began to race, tell-tale signs that an episode was about to hit him. The line to pay suddenly seemed much longer than it actually was, his mind going in circles while his stomach bubbled and his palms became sweaty. What if someone recognized him? What if someone calls the paparazzi while he’s in there? What if someone in there is a paparazzi? What if they’re recording him as he sits there thinking? Tears begin to well up in his eyes, frustrated at his inability to control himself and get a grip on this, whatever this was. Jungkook handed the cashier, a boy in his late teens not much younger than Jungkook, in fact, the money, with trembling hands and a terrified look in his eye, like a deer caught in headlights, waiting for impact. As soon as he paid the cashier, he ran out of the convenience store and straight in the direction of his apartment, pushing past a few people in the process, some yelping as they fell to the floor. The weird stares from people were perhaps the worst part of the sprint home since he couldn’t tell if they were concerned fans or people out to expose him.
When he finally got back to his building, thighs on fire from the run and uneven breaths filling the air in lobby, he darted straight up the stairs, patience too thin to even consider waiting for the elevator. Finally, in his apartment, he slammed the door behind him and dropped the bag of food, his own body falling on its knees immediately after. As he crawled to his bedroom, some 30 feet away from the front door, he couldn’t help but let the waterworks out, childlike sobs filling the silent atmosphere of his large apartment. In his room, he slid underneath the covers of his king-sized bed and pulled himself into a fetal position, knees up against his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs to keep in place. He stayed there for what felt like a lifetime, broken cries for help sporadically breaking the silence otherwise filled by the sound of him sniffling.
When the episode had passed, Jungkook stood up and got himself a tall glass of water and some painkillers for his raging headache, food from earlier all but forgotten on the floor near the front entrance to his house. Next to it, however, his phone was vibrating against the hardwood floors, buzzing sounds echoing throughout the deafeningly silent apartment. He went around the island in his kitchen and towards the main entrance, phone still buzzing away. Picking it up it vibrated again and Jungkook couldn’t help but inwardly groan, headache making him sensitive to light and sound.
It was twitter direct message from Jimin. Unexpected.
Jungkook read the messages and found a nervous smile growing on his face, a pattern associated with anything Park Jimin, it seemed. He sent a quick reply and went back to his room, the episode from earlier still weighing heavy on his heart.
As Jungkook settled into bed, he felt his phone vibrate again.
The singer rolled his eyes and obliged.
[JK_Busan]
Yo Jimin, is this you? – 9:02PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:03PM – Yah!!!! When did you drop the formal speech?
[JK_Busan]
I’ll take that as a yes… – 9:03PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:03PM – Yes, brat, it is me.
[JK_Busan]
And you? When did you get so formal with me? – 9:04PM
Didn’t I tell you I’m not a man you can just walk up to??? – 9:04PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:05PM – What does that even mean?
[JK_Busan]
That’s for me to know and you to find out. – 9:05PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:05PM – You have such an original username…
[JK_Busan]
I sense a little bit of…. Sarcasm… – 9:06PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:08PM – Well… You have… Sensed…. Correctly…
[JK_Busan]
What the hell is up with all those periods?? – 9:09PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:09PM – Oh. I just thought that’s what we were doing.
[JK_Busan]
You’re such a cute little weirdo… – 9:11PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:12PM – Omo, why are you calling me a weirdo?
9:12PM – Wait, you think I’m cute? That’s shocking.
[JK_Busan]
Seriously?? That’s what you focus on? – 9:14PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:15PM – Just answer the damn question Jeon Jungkook.
[JK_Busan]
Why?? – 9:15PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:18PM – It’s just shocking coming from someone like you.
[JK_Busan]
Someone like me? – 9:18PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:18PM – Yeah.
[JK_Busan]
Who is someone like me? – 9:18PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:19PM – Someone good looking.
9:19PM – And famous.
9:21PM – And so clearly out of my league.
Jungkook froze.
Oh, yeah. Jungkook had completely forgotten who he was and was just about ready to tell Jimin all his deepest, darkest secrets. Curse the short brunette and his uncanny ability to make Jungkook feel at ease. But wait… What did Jimin mean by out of his league?
[ChimmyPR]
9:25 – Ding dong, anybody there?
[JK_Busan]
Yes, I’m here. – 9:27PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:27PM – Sorry if I freaked you out, that wasn’t my intention.
Jungkook’s hands hovered over the trackpad, fingers itching to tell Jimin what he really thought about the elder’s comment.
[JK_Busan]
You didn’t. I liked it. – 9:28PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:29PM – Oh?
[JK_Busan]
Yes. – 9:31PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:32PM – I’m glad :)
[JK_Busan]
So am I. – 9:32PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:35PM – Really??
9:36PM – You wound me, Jeon Jungkook.
[JK_Busan]
How?? – 9:40PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:44PM – I have to stay off my butt for the next few days.
9:44PM – All because of you.
[JK_Busan]
Me? What did I do to your butt? – 9:44PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:46PM – Keke…
9:46PM – Let’s not go there Jungkookie.
Jungkook smirked like an idiot at the innuendo, not missing the cute nickname, heartbeat steadily rising in his chest.
[JK_Busan]
No, seriously, what did I do to your butt? – 9:46PM
[ChimmyPR]
9:48PM – Don’t you remember pushing me earlier??
9:48PM – Pushing me onto the ground??
9:48PM – Where the ground is concrete?
Oh. Jungkook remembered shoving someone but he could never have imagined it was Jimin or that the elder would even have recognized him given his disguise and the speed he was running at.
[ChimmyPR]
9:51PM – I have a huge bruise.
[JK_Busan]
Awww, does the baby want me to kiss it better? – 9:54PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:00PM – …
[JK_Busan]
What?? – 10:01PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:02PM – The bruise is on my butt, Jungkook…
[JK_Busan]
Oh… – 10:07PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:12 – Yeah…
[JK_Busan]
Maybe when we know each other better. – 10:18PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:21PM – OMO!
10:21PM – JUNGKOOK!!
[JK_Busan]
Kidding, kidding. – 10:22PM
Kinda. – 10:22PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:23PM – Stop it!!!
10:23PM – I can see you like teasing.
10:23PM – I’m shaking my head in disappointment.
[JK_Busan]
I do, I do. – 10:25PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:30PM – Feel better?
Jungkook looked at the message, a bit confused.
[JK_Busan]
Yes…? – 10:33PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:34PM – I’m glad.
Jungkook pondered for a moment, thinking of all the ways Jimin could possibly have known he was upset, but not finding anything conclusive.
[JK_Busan]
How did you know I was down? – 10:35PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:35PM – I don’t know, really, you just remind me a lot of myself.
[JK_Busan]
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? – 10:37PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:38PM – Depends on how you look at it.
[JK_Busan]
I’m so confused right now, oh my god. – 10:41PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:42PM – Don’t be.
10:42PM – You’re smart.
10:43PM – You’ll figure it out.
[JK_Busan]
I’m confused and tired so I think it’s time for me to go to bed. – 10:45PM
[ChimmyPR]
10:45PM – Night, night, Jungkookie, sweet dreams.
[JK_Busan]
Goodnight, Jimin. – 10:46PM
*****
For the next few days, while Seokjin handled public perception and the rearranging of Jungkook’s schedule, the singer found himself falling down the rabbit hole that was Park Jimin, everyday growing progressively more enamored by the elder and his weird habits and quirks. In just 6 days, Jungkook found out a lot about Jimin, from the YouTuber’s favorite flavor of ice cream (green tea) to his fascination with the stars – that being the reason he named his fandom ‘stars’. Despite their almost constant contact, however, Jungkook found the frequency of his episodes further growing, intensity seeming to have plateaued. Jungkook would disappear for hours on end and come back a shell of his former self, each time a little emptier. It was an elephant in the room that neither of them dared to address until one night, during one of his episodes, Jungkook received a phone call from the elder that he felt compelled to answer. They’d never talked on the phone so Jungkook was nervous while clicking the green button to answer the call, episode growing progressively worse as he brought the phone up to his ears.
“Jungkook-ah,” Jimin called, honey-laced voice sending shivers throughout the singer’s body and causing his breath to hitch. This was a dangerous game Jungkook was playing. Despite all common sense telling him to hang up and deal with this alone, Jungkook found himself drawn to the elder, comfortable in his presence, and ready to trust him with everything, risking his career in the process.
Jungkook didn’t reply. He held his breath, and in turn his tears. Jimin waited a few moments.
“It’s okay, you pabo,” Jungkook could hear the sympathetic smile in Jimin’s voice, words sending a shockwave throughout his entire body, emotional walls crumbling into rubble, before Jimin even finished speaking. Jungkook let out a guttural groan and turned over in his bed, knees instinctively going up to his chest, into a fetal position, as the tears streamed down his cheeks and onto his sheets. Jimin gently shushed him on the other end of line, comforting voice surrounding Jungkook in an indiscriminant love that reminded the singer of his mother’s embrace. His sobs only became louder, overwhelmed by this new feeling of warmth that surrounded the coldness he usually felt.
“J-Jungkook-ah,” Jimin broke the silence and Jungkook held his breath unsure of why Jimin sounded so unsure of himself, “forget it,” he said after pausing for a few moments, and the singer couldn’t bring himself to press Jimin for more.
They sat there in silence, Jungkook shakily breathing into the line while Jimin gently hushed him, never asking for any details but expertly walking the fine line between not doing enough and doing too much. Jimin’s done this before, Jungkook concluded at some point, he can’t remember when. Jungkook tried to stay awake through it but, eventually, the singer succumbed to his exhaustion, a new sensation overpowering his usual feeling of emptiness.
Happiness.
*****
[ChimmyPR]
11:03AM – How are you feeling?
[JK_Busan]
Fine. – 11:30AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:31AM – Just fine?
[JK_Busan]
A lot better than before. – 11:33AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:35AM – I’m happy.
[JK_Busan]
How did you know what to do? – 11:35AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:36AM – Experience.
Jungkook figured as much, not knowing why Jimin always stopped short of telling him what that experience was.
[JK_Busan]
Okay. – 11:40AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:41AM – I’m really glad you’re okay.
11:41AM – And that I was able to help.
[JK_Busan]
So am I, to be honest. – 11:43AM
It’s been a while since I was able to calm down so fast. – 11:44AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:44AM – When was the last time?
[JK_Busan]
During a music show. – 11:47AM
I had to prick myself with a thumb tack in order to calm down. – 11:47AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:50AM – I’m sorry.
[JK_Busan]
Why? – 11:50AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:51AM – Because you had to go through all that by yourself.
[JK_Busan]
Oh. – 11:53AM
It’s okay. – 11:54AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:55AM – I’ll be there, from now on, whenever you may need me.
[JK_Busan]
I appreciate that. – 11:56AM
I appreciate you. – 11:56AM
[ChimmyPR]
11:59AM – Aish, we’re getting too sappy this early in the morning,
[JK_Busan]
Agreed. – 12:00PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:00PM – What are you doing today?
[JK_Busan]
Nothing… – 12:07PM
Talk to you… – 12:07PM
Hopefully… – 12:07PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:07PM – JEON JUNGKOOK!!
12:07PM – Why must you attack me like this?
[JK_Busan]
How did I attack you?! – 12:10PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:11PM – Down boy, I was being sarcastic.
12:11PM – You’re too precious for your own good.
[JK_Busan]
I have more experience than you think. – 12:13PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:13PM – Oh?
[JK_Busan]
Not like that, nasty. – 12:13PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:15PM – What did I say?? You’re the one being nasty…
[JK_Busan]
Right… – 12:16PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:16PM – What were you talking about?
[JK_Busan]
There is a lot of bad stuff that happens in the entertainment industry. – 12:20PM
I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my years so I’m pretty much desensitized by now. – 12:20PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:21PM – That’s not good.
[JK_Busan]
Isn’t it? – 12:21PM
I get hurt less often. – 12:22PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:22PM – It may seem that way but you never want to become desensitized to bad things.
12:22PM – That’s a recipe for disaster.
[JK_Busan]
How? – 12:22PM
[ChimmyPR]
11:23PM – It makes you cynical and bitter. You become jaded and find that you can’t enjoy the stuff you enjoyed before, and if you try to find new things, you subconsciously ruin it for yourself by constantly assuming the worst.
[JK_Busan]
Oh. – 12:25PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:25PM – Trust me, I know.
[JK_Busan]
How? – 12:25PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:25PM – Experience.
[JK_Busan]
Here we go again with your experience... – 12:30PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:35PM – What can I say? I’ve lived a lot.
[JK_Busan]
I’ll believe it when I see it. – 12:35PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:35PM – Just wait, I’ll show you.
[JK_Busan]
Hmmm, and what exactly will you be showing me? – 12:35PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:35PM – Life with all its ins and outs, ups and downs, highs and lows.
12:36PM – I’ll show you how truly beautiful life can be when you make it through the rain.
[JK_Busan]
Quoting a Mariah Carey song now? – 12:36PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:38PM – *Gasps* How did you know?
[JK_Busan]
She’s my musical inspiration, fake diva attitude and all. – 12:39PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:39PM – I thought IU was your inspiration??
12:39PM – And we’re gonna get along just fine.
[JK_Busan]
Nah, I say that for fan service, keke. – 12:40PM
And what if I hated her? – 12:40PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:42PM – Then you would have been swiftly blocked.
[JK_Busan]
Wow…– 12:42PM
You hurt me. – 12:42PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:43PM – Not as much as you hurt me...
12:43PM – Abuser.
[JK_Busan]
Are you still on about that? – 12:44PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:45PM – Yes, and I will be until my freaking ass heals.
[JK_Busan]
Bye. – 12:45PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:45PM – No.
12:45PM – Don’t leave :(
[JK_Busan]
Wasn’t planning on it ;) – 12:45PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:45PM – Good.
12:45PM – When is your next schedule?
[JK_Busan]
When the drama surrounding us blows over. – 12:46PM
[ChimmyPR]
12:47PM – There’s drama surrounding us?
Jungkook didn’t know if Jimin was being sarcastic or not, but took the bait either way.
[JK_Busan]
How could you not have heard about it?? Apparently, I’m weird because I like your video. – 12:50PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:00PM – You’ve only watched one of my videos?
1:00PM – Fake fan.
1:01PM – And not everyone can handle ASMR, kekeke, it’s weird for a lot of people, not just your fans.
[JK_Busan]
Yeah, I’ve only seen one. – 1:02PM
The one where you threw up on your date. – 1:02PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:03PM – Ugh, don’t remind me.
[JK_Busan]
How do you deal with all the hate? – 1:07PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:10PM – Learning to accept that not everyone will like me, and that I shouldn’t expect them to.
1:11PM – It’s freeing to stop caring about what people think.
[JK_Busan]
I wish I had that luxury. – 1:12PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:14PM – Who said you can’t?
[JK_Busan]
Well, my career depends on what people think about me. – 1:14PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:15PM – I wouldn’t go that far…
[JK_Busan]
And how far would you go? – 1:20PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:32PM – You already make enough money in residuals and royalties to cover your lifestyle so all you’re doing now is making music because you want to (and because you’re contractually obligated to).
[JK_Busan]
My contract is pretty lenient, but you do have a point. – 1:33PM
I still want to remain on everyone’s good side. – 1:33PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:34PM – Don’t I?
1:34PM – I’m so smart.
[JK_Busan]
Ew. – 1:34PM
You just reminded me of my manager. – 1:35PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:35PM – Your manager must be an amazing person then.
[JK_Busan]
He’s horrible and cocky, just like you. – 1:37PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:37PM – You wound me.
[JK_Busan]
Stop using that line, and you two would get along just fine, keke. – 1:37PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:38PM – Would we?
[JK_Busan]
Ehh… You might annoy him a little, but besides that, yup, a match made in heaven. – 1:40PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:41PM – I’m glad, I love pissing uptight people off.
[JK_Busan]
Never mind, he’d hate you. – 1:41PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:41PM – Wow, ok, I see how it is.
[JK_Busan]
And how is it? – 1:42PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:44PM – You must hate me and are projecting your feelings of hatred onto him.
[JK_Busan]
I don’t hate you?? – 1:46PM
You’re super cool and sweet and cute and you have the prettiest eyes and lips. – 1:47PM
Wow... – 1:47PM
That was so flirty. – 1:47PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:48PM – Yeah…
[JK_Busan]
I’m sorry. – 1:48PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:49PM – Don’t apologize, it was nice.
[JK_Busan]
Was it? – 1:49PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:50PM – Yupppp.
[JK_Busan]
I can almost hear you popping the p, kekeke. – 1:51PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:52PM – Do you have a camera in my house?!?
[JK_Busan]
No… – 1:52PM
Why do you ask? – 1:52PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:52PM – Because I actually did pop the ‘P’.
[JK_Busan]
Wow, I’m psychic. – 1:53PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:55PM – Goodbye, Jungkook.
[JK_Busan]
Why are you leaving? – 1:55PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:55PM – I have to film a new video and you’re distracting me.
[JK_Busan]
Wow, okay, so you’re picking your channel over me. – 1:57PM
[ChimmyPR]
1:58PM – My channel pays my bills. You Don’t.
[JK_Busan]
I can. – 2:00PM
[ChimmyPR]
2:03PM – You are not about to become my sugar daddy, Jungkook.
2:03PM – Plus, my lifestyle is just as expensive as yours, I don’t think you could pay for both of us?
[JK_Busan]
Is it really? I still could though. – 2:03PM
Wow, I’m shocked…– 2:03PM
[ChimmyPR]
2:05PM – Yes, now let me go.
[JK_Busan]
No, stay. – 2:06PM
[ChimmyPR]
2:10PM – Fine, but when I don’t upload tomorrow, I’ll tell my subscribers it was all your fault.
2:11PM – Prepare for their wrath.
[JK_Busan]
Okay, okay, go and leave me all alone. – 2:11PM
I’ll wait for you to get back. – 2:11PM
[ChimmyPR]
2:13PM – Good boy.
Jungkook stared at the screen for a few moments before dryly laughing to himself? Was he a dog for Jimin to be saying such a suggestive thing to him? When did the boy with the voice made of honey become so familiar with him? Why was he able to invade every part of Jungkook’s being and make himself at home? The more Jungkook thought about it, the more comfortable with the idea he became.
A permanent place in his heart for Park Jimin? He could get used to the sound of that.
*****
The pair spent the next week like this, Jungkook and Jimin talking daily with Jimin calling Jungkook on the phone whenever the singer was gone for too long. Jimin always managed to talk Jungkook out of his episodes, and even gave them a name – panic attacks. Each time they happened, Jimin asked for a little bit more. When did they start? What do you usually do? Does anyone else know? Things like that, trying to gauge where Jungkook was at mentally. Jungkook thought nothing of it until one day, a few days before he was scheduled to go back to work, Jimin asked him if he’s ever thought about seeking professional help.
“What,” Jungkook began, sounding shocked that Jimin would even suggest something like that, “like a psychiatrist?”
“Yeah, I think it would do you some good to see someone,” Jimin replied, unaware.
“Why would I need to see a ‘professional’ Jimin,” Jungkook said, offended, and mocking the elder’s tone, “I’m not fucking crazy.” Jungkook could hear Jimin’s breath hitch.
“Why would you even suggest something like that,” the singer added when Jimin didn’t say anything in response.
“So you’re saying that I am,” the elder asked with an accusatory tone, “crazy, that is,”
“W-what,” Jungkook tried, figuring out why Jimin is suddenly asking him that, and why there was so much malice in elder’s voice. Why would Jungkook think Jimin is crazy?
Oh.
Oh.
“I thought you were different Jungkook-ssi,” Jimin hissed in formal speech, voice wavering like he was on the verge of tears. Jungkook could hear the elder sniffle once and it broke his heart, knowing that he caused that.
“Jimin-ah, no, wait, I didn’t mean– “Jungkook tried but the line went dead. Jungkook stared down at his phone in shock, suddenly feeling miniscule in his massive bedroom. Jimin hung up on him. Park Jimin had just hung up on him. Jimin had never hung up on him. Even when Jungkook fell asleep while on the phone, Jimin always left the line on just in case, sometimes all night.
Jungkook instinctively brought his knees up to his chest and began rocking slightly in his bed, mattress swallowing him whole. Tears welled up in his eyes and Jungkook’s mind raced, thoughts trying to make sense of the situation. As Jungkook felt the beginnings of an episode, he imagined what Jimin would be saying to comfort him. Probably tell him how strong he was. How good a job he was doing. That it was okay to be hurting. That he can cry as much as he wants. Jungkook continued to imagine the elders silky smooth voice until his panic attack subsided, leaving him a mess of shaky breaths and occasional sniffles.
Jungkook laid there and pondered for a few moments. When did he become so dependent on Jimin for his mental stability?
As the realization dawned on Jungkook, he couldn’t help but wonder if the elder did, in fact, have a point. Maybe Jungkook truly did need help. Help that Jimin couldn’t possibly hope to give him. With a final exhale, Jungkook turned over in his bed and fell asleep, heart heavy and mind left trying to pick up the pieces.
*****
[Mood: I'm In Here - Sia]
When Jungkook woke up the following morning, the first thing he did was check Jimin’s twitter. One new tweet.
“Personal circumstances,” Jungkook said aloud to himself, trying to figure out what Jimin was referring to, and why he was taking a break. As he thought, Jungkook realized something. He didn’t know anything about Jimin besides random tid bits the elder let slip – the stuff that even fans can find online. Jimin has remained an enigma from the moment they began talking, nearly 8 days ago. Jungkook suddenly felt vulnerable, immense feeling of anxiety clouding any sadness he had felt over their current argument. The singer felt backed into a corner, like a gazelle being chased by a pack of lions, like he had no other option but to sit there and wait for whatever was to come, and hope for the best.
Jungkook hastily jumped out of bed and began pacing around his room, occasionally looking out of the window, hoping a solution would come to him. Jimin knew too much about him and now Jungkook wasn’t so sure about whether those secrets were safe with the elder. Could he really trust Jimin with such personal information? Or, would the short brunette turn out to be like every other industry vulture he ever met, looking for dirt to advance their own career.
As Jungkook considered all the possibilities, he felt his stomach bubble, bile rising in his throat and burning his esophagus. The singer quickly walked to the bathroom attached to his bedroom, and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Jungkook thought he was done with this. With the panic attacks and the nausea. With the worry and the night tremors. With the sweaty palms and the lack of appetite. With the fatigue and the heartache. It all got better with Jimin and now that the elder was gone, everything was coming back at full force, almost like his anxiety never went away and was just masked by the happiness Jimin brought, left there to fester until the moment Jungkook was at his most vulnerable.
Jungkook laughed to himself as he wiped the corners of his lips and collapsed next to the toilet, back touching the cold tile floor. A single tear streamed out of each eye and down the sides of his face.
“Jimin-ah,” Jungkook said aloud, voice unstable, “please come back.” The bathroom was quiet, save for the ripples of water and vomit in the toilet.
“I miss you,” he continued, closing his eyes as more tears streamed down the sides of his face, and pretending like the elder was there with him, no longer angry, “p-please don’t leave m-me too.” Jungkook managed to stutter out, throat tight and body tense. Jungkook turned to his side, knees instinctively going up to his chest, face touching the tiled bathroom floor. Broken sobs filled the bathroom, a boyish whine leaving his lips as be begged for his Jimin to come back and make things better. To make all the pain and hurt go away.
Jungkook heard the front door open, a call for him and then a series of rushed footsteps. Too overwhelmed by the crippling hallow feeling of loneliness, Jungkook stayed on the floor, maintaining the fetal position that he was in. When Seokjin rushed into the bathroom and down to Jungkook’s side, the singer blurrily looked up at him through his tears-soaked eyes.
“Jungkook-ah,” Seokjin tried, urgency evident in his voice, “what’s wrong?!” He exclaimed, a protective arm snaking under Jungkook, between singer’s back and the floor, and picking him up. The manager carried Jungkook, bridal style, to the bedroom and placed him on the bed. The singer let him, and even snuggled into Seokjin’s arms, not having the mental fortitude to fight back or give a snappy comeback about how he is not a man anyone can just touch. Seokjin smelled faintly of vanilla and tobacco, body wash overpowering all Jungkook’s senses.
“Jungkook,” Seokjin said frantically, lightly smacking Jungkook’s cheek, “what’s going on buddy, come on,” his voice sounded desperate. Jungkook grabbed the manager’s sleeve and lightly tugged on it, motioning for him to get into the bed. Seokjin gave him a perplexed look, eyebrows knitted, before complying and slowly laying down in the bed with Jungkook, worried about how this might look if someone were to just barge in. The singer tucked his face into the crevice between the elder’s arms and the bed and let the tears flow freely again.
“P-p-please don’t leave me too,” Jungkook stuttered with a hoarse voice, taking a sharp inhale in between each syllable. Seokjin was beginning to understand.
“Brat,” the elder laughed dryly, the tension in the room seemingly dissipating, “you’re stuck with me forever,” and that’s all Jungkook had to hear before succumbing to his fatigue, heart heavy and his thoughts scattered.
*****
Jungkook woke up the next morning, an entire 18 hours later, to the bitter smell of coffee, the aroma permeating throughout his entire apartment and abruptly landing on his nostrils. The singer couldn’t quite remember when Seokjin slipped out of bed but it had to have been around the second or third time Jungkook woke up before quickly closing his eyes, snuggling up to his pillows, and going back to sleep. He yawned as he finally slipped out of his bed, muscles aching from not being used, migraine throbbing away in his right temple. He rubbed his eyes groggily and yawned as he walked across the room and into the hallway that connected to the main living space. Seokjin seemed to have heard his footsteps because when the singer got to the kitchen, the elder was across the island, pouring him a cup and handing him some painkillers.
“Take this,” Seokjin began, solemn look on his face as he examined the singer, searching for something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, “it’ll help with the headache.” Jungkook looked at the elder then at his extended hand and then back up at him before taking the coffee and pills. Seokjin stared at Jungkook as the singer downed the coffee, a thick tension suddenly enveloping the room.
“Jungkook,” the elder began, clearing his throat loudly and awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, “I’ll get straight to the point.” The singer was suddenly nervous, staring back at Seokjin who looked as if he had seen a ghost.
“Who is Park Jimin to you?” Jungkook choked on his own saliva and began violently coughing, right hand on the kitchen island for support. When he looked back up at Seokjin, the manager’s eyes didn’t waver, like he already knew the answer to his question.
“I- uh- well he’s – uh,” Jungkook stuttered, not quite knowing how to answer the question himself before settling on, “he’s a friend.” Seokjin didn’t seem to buy it.
“Do you call out to all your friends in your sleep and tell them not to leave you,” The elder asked bluntly, “or is that something reserved strictly for Park Jimin?” Jungkook’s eyes widened and his jaw went slack, pure horror painted on his face.
“Cat got your tongue?” Seokjin teased, easing some of the tension in the room, “don’t worry, I’m not about to tell our bosses or anything, I just need you to be honest with me.” Jungkook wasn’t sure what to say.
“I don’t know,” he answered as he took a seat on one of the barstools beside the island, and laid his head on the cold marble, face stinging from the icy surface, “I,” he began again and took a deep breath, “don’t know.” Jungkook couldn’t see the sad smile on the elder’s face but did sense Seokjin start quietly pacing.
“What happened between you two?” Seokjin asked, “and what’s up with you?”
“What was that in the bathroom earlier?” He pressed, not giving Jungkook enough time to answer. Jungkook felt like he was suffocating, like the elder was only here to judge. Realistically, he knew that wasn’t the case, but his anxiety told him so either way.
“Hyung,” Jungkook interrupted, voice small and pleading, “please stop.” The elder seemed to get the hint and allowed Jungkook to continue.
Jungkook laughed dryly and took a huge breath before raising his head to look at his manager, “I think I, –uh, have some sort of, –uh, anxiety or panic disorder.” He closed his eyes and waited for Seokjin to start screaming, nerves sizzling underneath his skin as his stomach bubbled with anxiety. To his surprise, all he heard were a few light footsteps walking around him and stopping behind him. The next thing he felt was the manager’s broad chest on his back.
“Stupid brat,” Seokjin began, breath ghosting over the back of Jungkook’s neck, “why didn’t you tell me anything?” Jungkook let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding and collapsed in the elder’s embrace, letting himself go for a few moments as he reveled in the cleansing power of relief washing over him. He spun around in the barstool and hugged Seokjin, fingers digging in the elders back as he held on progressively tighter, emotions running high.
“H-h-hyung,” he began brokenly, feeling as if someone had finally heard his cry for help, “I didn’t know how,” the singer sniffled as he stood up, towering over Seokjin.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” He continued, words muffled by Seokjin’s neck, shoulders slumping as he felt a huge weight slowly being lifted off his shoulders.
“Yah!!!” Seokjin screamed and hit Jungkook’s back, scaring the younger who roughly flinched in response, “When have I ever been disappointed in you??” He asked, hand on his hip as he waited for the singer’s answer.
“Well,” Jungkook thought, “Never-” he tried,
“That’s right!!” Seokjin interrupted, a smug look on his face, “I have never been disappointed in you,” he moved his hands to cup Jungkook’s face to drive the point home, “and I’m not about to start now.” The tension in the room was completely gone and all Jungkook could feel besides relief was the wet feeling on his face as tears of happiness flowed freely.
“What? What? What? What?” Seokjin asked when he saw Jungkook crying, the manager not noticing the subtle glint of relief in the singer’s eyes. Jungkook shook his head and opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. The singer fell to his knees and his hands instinctively came up to his face to wipe away the tears. Seokjin followed him down and gave him a nervous look, worried he might have been the one to set Jungkook off.
“I-I-I,” the singer tried and Seokjin looked at him waiting for more.
“Yes, yes, that’s good,” he egged Jungkook on to continue.
“I’m just s-s-s-so,”
“I’m just so? Go on.”
“I’m just s-s-so hap-ppy,” he finished as he bawled his eyes out and filled the nervous air with his sobs.
“Brat,” the elder smacked Jungkook’s shoulder and laughed as he took the singer into his arms again.
*****
For the next few hours, Jungkook stayed in his apartment by himself. After he told Seokjin everything, the elder gave him a brief smile and told him he’d handle it, leaving a confused Jungkook behind to figure out what he meant. This time, however, there was no text leading him to the answer he sought. Mainly because he took all Jungkook’s electronics.
“I need to take these in order for my plan to work,” the manager explained as he unplugged Jungkook’s laptop and phone from their charges and threw them in his briefcase. It all happened before Jungkook could even begin to protest, mix of bewilderment and worry evident on his face.
So, there he was, spinning in the barstool as he waited for Seokjin to return. His home felt like anything but; it was big and empty, furniture not doing anything to hide the coldness that was bleeding throughout the apartment, desperate to be filled with the warmth of another human being. Sometimes the singer felt like a prisoner in his own home, like this was the intermediary between the studio, where he felt truly at home, and the stage, his worst nightmare.
In the studio, Jungkook was in control. He was allowed free reign over his music and its production, he could write whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and he could sing it in whatever manner he so pleased. If he wanted to make a pop album, he could. A rock album, sure thing. A blues album, whatever he wanted. It was a singer-songwriter’s dream which is why he felt so at ease in the studio; it was a place where he could freely express himself.
The stage, however, was a place filled with the demons that kept Jungkook up at night, wondering if he’ll ever be good enough, and if he should just stop while he’s ahead. His “fans” were unrelenting in their demands of him. From the way he looked to the way he talked and sung, it all had to be done a certain way. His walking and dancing all had to be executed with playfulness and tension, style and poise, push and pull. He had to do it perfectly every single time or risk upsetting them and, in turn, their wallets. As an artist, his livelihood depended on how the public felt about him at any given moment and that, for Jungkook, was a fate worse than death.
As Jungkook ruminated, he was startled out of his daze by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Jumping out of the barstool, he ran to the front door, adjacent to the kitchen, and opened it expecting Seokjin. He thought the elder was coming back to fill him in on the plan and tell him how it was going to be executed. What he didn’t expect – and never even stopped to consider a possibility – was the one and only Park Jimin standing on his doorstep with his messy black hair sticking to his forehead, eyes shooting daggers through the strands of hair, right hand on his hip and the other holding a thick manila envelope.
“A goddamn confidentiality agreement, Jungkook,” Jimin exclaimed, progressively louder as he continued to speak, face beginning to grow red in fury, “are you fucking kidding me?” He threw the manila envelope to Jungkook who reflexively caught it as he stared at Jimin, in awe. He looked so cute when he was angry, was the first thing Jungkook thought. The elder walked forward towards Jungkook and the singer couldn’t help but walk backwards to keep the distance between them. Eventually, a couch prevented Jungkook from walking back any further and Jimin used the opportunity to close the distance between them and stare holes into the younger.
“What have I ever done to lose your trust?” Jimin asked, genuinely curious, a hint of something, Jungkook didn’t know what, in his eyes betraying the angry look on his face. Jungkook looked at him and felt a pang in his heart, a sudden urge to make it all go away, make it better, make him happy.
“Nothing,” Jungkook stated plainly.
“So then w-why,” Jimin’s voice cracked, stony exterior shattering and revealing a pained expression, eyebrows knitted as he demanded an answer.
“I didn’t know,” Jungkook begun, putting one hand on Jimin’s shoulder’s and the other on his cheek, cupping it.
“What do you mean you didn’t know,” Jimin asked, sighing, “how could you not have known.” Tears streamed down his face and Jungkook swore he’s never seen a more upsetting thing.
“My manager,” the singer begun, “I’ll fucking kill him,” he added under his breath, “must have done this after I told him about my stuff,” Jungkook said awkwardly, remembering how badly things got the last time they talked about this.
“You mean your mental health,” Jimin said dryly, willing Jungkook to acknowledge it. The singer sighed and nodded. He felt Jimin relax and, when he opened his eyes, he saw the YouTuber looking at him, stream of tears seemingly stopping in their tracks. Jungkook breathed a sigh of relief.
“What are we Jungkook?” Jimin asked and Jungkook’s eyes went wide like saucers, body tensing up immediately. As he went to reply he choked on his words and started coughing, hands quickly letting go of Jimin in order to cover his own mouth. When he was done coughing, Jimin was still staring at him, same intensity in his eyes as before. Jungkook froze as he tried to formulate a coherent response.
“I- uh,” he began, “well, we,” he continued, “and then there’s that,” he supplemented, “uhh…”
Jimin laughed and leaned forward, closing the distance between them and connecting their lips. Jimin’s lips were so soft and plump, Jungkook thought, and they felt really nice against his, and oh my god he was kissing Park Jimin.
The elder pulled back and looked at Jungkook, breath ghosting over his lips, and Jungkook smiled, eyes crinkling and bunny teeth on full display.
“Are we on the same page?” Jimin asked and Jungkook shly nodded again.
“But,” Jimin began, and Jungkook’s heart sank a bit; why was there a but, “you have to go to therapy if we’re going to do this." Jungkook thought about it for a few moments and hesitantly nodded again.
“Okay, that works-“
“And we should probably keep this a secret for a little while until your fans are more comfortable around me,” Jimin interrupted. Jungkook frowned as he thought about everything clearly, his lips formed a pout and his eyebrows creased when he pictured the public reaction if this were to go public.
“Good thinking,” Jungkook said nodding in agreement, arms wrapping around Jimin’s waist as he looked at the elder in amazement.
“You think your manager would mind it if I kissed you again?” Jimin asked mischievously, smirk forming on his face.
“I think it’d piss him the hell off,” Jungkook replied as he leaned in and connected their lips once more.
*****
5 Months Later.
“And why do you think being on stage is such a trigger for you?” The man asked, his legs crossed and a notepad on his lap, “Shouldn’t that be a place of comfort?” Jungkook thought about it for a few seconds, and looked around the room. It was a small rectangular office, a heavy mahogany desk on one side and bookshelves along all the walls, save for the corner behind the desk where there were diplomas from Seoul University hung up.
“I mean,” the man cleared his throat to get Jungkook’s attention and the singer looked up, “you’re surrounded by fans, shouldn’t that be a positive thing?” Jungkook bit his lip and wondered why the question made him feel so guilty.
“It’s because of that,” Jungkook realized, and spoke his thoughts aloud, “it’s because I’m surrounded by them, that I get so nervous on stage,” the psychiatrist gave him a perplexed look, eyes squinted, not quite understanding. Jungkook sat there for a few seconds in silence, gathering his thoughts, and the man encouraged him to continue his thoughts freely.
“Go ahead,” the man said as Jungkook nervously twiddled his thumbs on the couch across from him.
“Well,” Jungkook rubbed his neck in discomfort, “they are really demanding and I feel like I have no room to be myself,” he finished, nodding at himself in agreement.
“And who said that you can’t be yourself? Did any of them?” He pressed.
“Dr. Im,” Jungkook replied firmly, “I know where you’re getting at and I don’t think that this is all something I made up in my head because of my own insecurities.” Dr. Im gave him a curious look and chuckled, leaving Jungkook mildly confused.
“You said it, not me,” the doctor stated plainly, “it seems like you know what the issue is and that you’ve just been running from it, and hiding using this pretense that the ‘fans are demanding’. Jungkook swallowed audibly and thought about it. Dr. Im had a point.
“Then why do I have this anxiety disorder?” Jungkook asked, “Nothing bad has ever happened to me. I don’t have some scary childhood trauma and I’ve never suffered any abuse so I don’t understand.” He semi-yelled in frustration.
“If it’s not because of the fans, then why am I so broken??” He demanded, tears welled up in his eyes, frustrated because he knew the doctor didn’t have the answers he was looking for.
“You seemed to have created this illusion so that you wouldn’t have to take acknowledge your mental health,” he said softly, diffusing the tension in the room, “and, let me tell you, it’s not your fault that you have anxiety.”
“It can happen to anyone, trauma or not. Mental illness, and more specifically anxiety, does not need a reason to invade someone’s mind, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you will heal.”
Jungkook sniffled and wiped his eyes before any tears had the chance to fall.
“I’m sorry,” the singer began, “I just want to be normal again.”
“You are normal, Jungkook.” Dr. Im cleared his throat again, “the majority of people will deal with some sort of mental illness in their lifetime so what you are going through is completely normal.”
“Now,” the doctor tapped the notepad with his pen, “let’s get back to the original question I asked you,” Jungkook looked at him and nodded, “why does being on stage trigger you?”
Jungkook stared into space, mind going blank as he tried to piece together the pieces of the puzzle. He felt guilty for feeling that way and he felt guilty for not being able to get a handle on it.
“This isn’t something you have to figure out right now,” Dr. Im started as he looked at his wall clock, “we’re actually out of time for this week, but I really want you to think about how being on stage makes you feel, and why – the why is the important part here – it makes you feel that way. Jungkook nodded and cleared his throat, trying to make his exit as least awkward as possible.
“I’ll see you next Tuesday at the same time?” Jungkook asked and the doctor gave him a curt nod.
Jungkook walked out of the room and into the adjacent waiting area where Jimin was waiting for him, a smile on his face when he saw the singer walk out. Jungkook’s heart skipped a beat as he walked up to the elder.
“So, how was it?” Jimin asked excitedly.
“It was good, I guess,” Jungkook began, “really intense stuff.”
“Well yeah, that’s what therapy is about, getting all that intense stuff out and facing your fears,” Jimin said matter-of-factly.
“Well, I think I’m ready to face another one of my fears,” Jungkook said slyly as he grabbed the short brunette's hand and walked out of the main entrance. Jimin snatched his hand away and looked at the singer in horror, face twisted in confusion.
“Are you freaking crazy? What if someone see’s us??” Jimin whisper-yelled, smacking the singer in the back of his head.
“Let them,”
“Aren’t you scared?” Jimin asked, uncertainty evident in his voice, only barely masking the cautious hope that lied beneath it.
“Not anymore, why, are you?” Jungkook raised one of his eyebrows, mocking the elder.
“Of course not, I’m a Busan man, I don’t get scared!!” Jimin raised his hands in the air and puffed out his cheeks in a display of manliness.
“Cuuuuute,” Jungkook beamed as he grabbed the elder’s hand again and dragged him down the sidewalk, laughter filling the noisy spring air.
“Hey, I said I’m not cute,” Jimin screamed angrily, no bite behind in his tone.
“Right, right, you’re a Busan man.”
“Damn right, I am!!” Jimin screamed and Jungkook suddenly stopped causing the elder to bump into him and hit his nose.
“Ahh,” Jimin rubbed his nose in pain, “why would you stop so suddenly-,” he tried to finish but Jungkook dove in and connected their lips. When the singer pulled back, he noticed Jimin’s wide eyes and coral dusted cheeks.
“Wow, Jungkookie sure is getting bold,” Jimin purred when he regained his composure, “you're kill me with these surprise attacks.”
“Well, I don’t know about all that,” Jungkook tried, but Jimin got on his tiptoes and dove in for his revenge.
[Mood: Ivy - Frank Ocean]
“I love you, Jungkook-ah,” Jimin said in his raspy Busan Satoori, smiling so wide that his eyes disappeared into crescents, and his crooked front teeth were on full display, leaving Jungkook starstruck, “you don’t have to say it back.” He giggled.
“I love you too though,” and he did; Jungkook loved him too, far more than he could ever hope to put into words, and even more than he could bear, at times, for the YouTuber had saved him. He smashed his way into Jungkook's life and helped the singer see things he couldn't have ever dreamed of; how beautiful life is when you really open your eyes, and how powerful love can be when you allow yourself to feel it. It would take an eternity for the singer to even come close to describing the perfection that was Park Jimin, the boy obsessed with the stars, who came into his life like a storm and made himself a permanent resident in Jungkook’s heart.
And for that, Jungkook would be forever grateful.