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It’s been a while since Shaun has felt this way. The immediate attraction to someone that blossoms in the pit of his stomach and wraps uncomfortably around his lungs. While the situation itself is not that much different from his daily discomfort and efforts at learning to communicate with others, those pursues are at the very least easy to overcome. If he can’t communicate with a patient, he has Claire to help him either do the talking or teach him how. This feeling, on the other hand, does not have a clear solution, and only racks his brain.
As he walks away from his house, he can’t help but get a strong whiff of Luke’s cologne, sandalwood and musk, that only served to make his heart beat faster.
It reminded him of a boy from medical school who would sit right in front of Shaun in his class, the soft brown locks curling just at the base of his neck. It served as a great distraction from the class, the hair so tempting to touch. He never learned the man’s name. The initial thought Shaun had about his draw to the man was always just a silly desire to indulge his senses, but thinking of the memory now, Shaun was positive it was more than just a desire to touch soft hair.
The concept of sexuality was never something Shaun found himself pondering on. Outside of the occasional couple on the bus and patients that came through the hospital, Shaun had only seen straight couples and always assumed that he was straight. Even then, Shaun never actively pursued a relationship and didn’t see a future where he would settle down with a partner. Right now, the only relationships he needed were Dr. Glassman and his friends Claire, Jared, Dr. Melendez, and Carly. Sure, the occasional need for physical pleasure would arise, but masturbation quickly solved that need.
And yet, here he was. Stuck thinking about how soft Luke’s lips looked with no end in sight.
Shaun makes his way to the bench at the bus stop, checking the time on his phone, making sure that the brief distraction did not cause him to miss the bus. If he were to arrive late one more time, he was sure Dr. Melendez would try to get rid of him.
Dr. Melendez also has very soft, dark curly hair that Shaun recalls complimenting, because that was the first (and self-admittedly only) thought that came to mind.
It was startling just how unaware Shaun was about his attraction to short, soft, curly hair.
Thankfully, the thought faded just as the bus was pulling up. As much as Shaun hated to admit, Luke is going to be his entire focus for the day. Hopefully, the day won’t demand too much of his attention.
--
“Claire I need your opinion on something,” Shaun said, breaking the silence between the two while waiting for Dr. Melendez to arrive. Claire looked up from the cup of coffee she was nursing, watching Shaun as he looked around the hospital, more so than usual.
Shaun hoped she would not notice his discomfort, but the longer they spent together as colleagues and friends, the easier it seemed for her to read him. A brief thought of jealousy made its way through his head, but was quickly discarded. He was a man on a mission.
“Sure, ask away,” she said.
“You are currently in a relationship. That relationship is with Carly, who is a woman, like yourself,” he started. Claire quickly checked around them for any lingering ears and opened her mouth to reply, confusion written plainly on her face, but Shaun continue,. “You were also in relationships with men in the past. Was the attraction to them different from the attraction you feel now with Carly?”
They stood in silence, Claire thinking back to her old relationships.
“Well, I guess there is a difference, but it’s hard to explain…,” she said, watching the wall in the distance. “I mean, I have a type that’s for sure, but I always found it easier to tell when I like a guy. I guess the best way to put it is that, with guys, it’s an immediate understanding that I like him, but with girls it takes a while to decipher between the “I want to be her” and “I want to be with her” feeling,” she said. A moment passes between the two before she adds, “I might be making no sense to you.”
“I think I understand. The kinship you feel interferes with your romantic feelings with women. That does not happen with men. You do not have any sort of desire to emulate men.” Shaun nodded slightly, pleased to make sense of the indescribable. Already Shaun’s mind was racing with various thoughts, tests he could try to determine what previous interactions with men were desire to emulate and which were purely amorous.
“I mean, yes and no.” Claire thought she saw a flash of confusion on Shaun’s face, but it could just be her own projection. “It’s not something I could easily draw a line with. Sometimes, I do want to be more like the guy I’m dating and other times I know I like a girl once I see her. While flirting might be an easy social lesson, knowing what attraction means is less simple,” she concluded, looking at Shaun out of habit. He seemed to be ignoring her, but she knew he was thinking what she said over.
“Shaun, maybe if I knew why you were asking I could be-”
“Hey Claire, Shaun, you’re both here early!” Jared said, walking towards the two of them with gusto. Claire damned Jared and his terrible timing mentally, glancing back at Shaun, while Shaun lost himself in his thoughts. As much as Claire seemed to imply difficulty with figuring out what was or wasn't amorous, Shaun was confident that he had been previously attracted to men, thus making him bisexual. The new knowledge only made him smile slightly, brightening up with that discovery alone. While Claire grew more concerned seeing Shaun brighten, Shaun felt the hold Luke had on his psyche slip away into the back of his mind.
Shaun does not enjoy change, but this change he can deal with.