Work Text:
The renovated gym of the Compound was efficient. It was well spaced, equipped with the best, and bereft of distractions. It was ideal for the Avengers.
Steve let loose a double dose of punches at his invisible opponent and felt a bitter taste in his mouth when he thought about how much he hated it.
"Mr. Wilson is at the door, Captain," Friday informed him and Steve slowed down to turn around just as Sam entered the gym, eyeing the nearest camera with an exasperated look.
"I don't know when she'll start calling me Sam," he said with a shake of his head and looked at Steve, "You have her playing gatekeeper to the gym, Cap?"
"It pays to be careful," Steve replied and walked to the edge of the ring, "You here to spar?"
Sam shrugged but didn't get into the ring, instead walking around it to the bench where Steve's bag was placed. Steve considered pushing the younger man to enter the ring anyway but let it go and ducked under the ropes to get out himself.
"You okay there, Sam?" Steve asked as he peeled off his hand wrap, eyeing the body language of his friend as he took his time shoving the wrap into his bag and picked up his water bottle.
"Kinda came here to ask you the same, Cap," Sam said with a rueful smile and Steve paused, shooting him a questioning look that made Sam shrug a shoulder, "Team elected representative, apparently."
"The team's worried?" Steve asked with a frown and Sam shot him an incredulous look.
"With good reason, you know that right?" Sam countered, standing his ground when Steve narrowed his eyes at him, "Don't give me that look, Cap, it's been weeks and everyone can see that you're not fine. We fought an alien overlord, half of us almost died, and we won but you're still not okay."
"I'm fine," Steve waved it off, turning away to take a sip of water.
"Look, if it's about Tony, then -"
"I said I'm fine, Sam!" Steve shot back and exhaled harshly when Sam gave him a pointed look at his tone. Steve took a minute to calm himself and Sam thankfully let the pause stay.
"I'm fine," he repeated, calmer now, "and you shouldn't have to play therapist to me."
"Well, I was an 18 year old when I disappeared and then came back about ten years older, so I'm more of a messed up equal than therapist, if my understanding of Clint's talk is anything," Sam quipped and Steve made a face but nodded. Out of all of them, Sam had been affected the most by the alternate dimension stint, and with good cause going by Hope's hints. Sam had always been closer to Tony in terms of talent but he had still been young. Steve had tried to talk to him, to make him feel comfortable, but he hadn't been able to do much. Steve had been unsettled too but he had been with Clint and Natasha. Sam though, he had been alone and still looked lost at times, memories of being Kang's assistant lingering. Memories of being alone.
"People change," Sam said with mildly sad eyes and Steve knew that he was talking about himself as much as about Tony. But he also knew that Tony hadn't changed with the others. He was still the same guy with them.
It had been a month since Tony's return and he had not been more than a stranger to Steve.
He was losing patience and gaining fear, neither of them any help to knowing what had happened to him and Tony.
"I'm fine, Sam," Steve said softly but Sam simply sighed, looking at Steve's bag instead of him.
"It's funny how both of you lie the same," he replied and Steve clenched the bottle tighter. Sam didn't say anything after that and Steve hated the lonely gym more after he left.
He didn't give voice to the thought of how it was probably because Tony hadn't stepped foot into the gym ever since he had come back.
The Compound had enough rooms for everyone, new and the old Avengers, and T'Challa had suggested expansion if the need arose for it. Tony had taken to dealing with the PR side of things even as reconstruction of the affected parts of the world progressed steadily. Steve and Carol were dealing with the training of the team while T'Challa alternated between missions and running his country. Natasha and Clint had been called in by SHIELD for support and they had agreed due to the circumstances. The rest of the team held base between missions and day-to-day work. They didn't have much time to spend together to relax but when they did, it was always mandatory.
Steve was thankful for that when Kamala suggested a movie night for her turn of picking the mandatory team evening. Watching movies had been something Tony had enjoyed back at the Tower, no matter how much he cribbed about missing out time from work or sleep. It didn't matter about the latter, considering how he almost always fell asleep on Steve's shoulder before a movie reached the climax. Steve had liked that, even as he teased Tony about being bored of watching science fiction movies.
He missed those days. He missed the banter and the comfort, the poker games that would always involve cheating, the bets on sparring and Tony always trying to push more of his armour ideas onto Steve. He missed being in the same room as Tony and gravitating towards him without it being awkward or Tony shifting away as casually as possible.
He missed Tony, and he had done his share of that while the man was gone. Somehow, this hurt more than that.
"Princess Bride?" Tony asked when he eyed the title on the screen, ready to be played, "Did somebody let Clint rig the choice again?"
"You know it would have been Monty Python if that had happened," Carol sat down next to Natasha and plucked the popcorn bowl from Clint's lap easily, "Thanks, Clinton."
"Whoever named you Captain Marvel, clearly needs a dictionary," Clint grumbled as he poked Scott in the shoulder, "C'mon, High Pockets, share the snacks."
"I like Princess Bride," Hope said, successfully keeping Scott's hands off her plate of cookies, "I think it's hilarious."
"And it has one of the best opening dialogues," Sam agreed, ducking in time to avoid the popcorn Carol threw at Scott, "Kamala, you ready?"
"I'm here, I'm here," Kamala yelled as she ran into the room, her mega icecream bowl loaded and ready in hand, "Sorry, guys, my carton was stuck to the back of the freezer and Clint's tupperware was almost glued to the freezer."
"Probably was glued," Natasha commented and rolled her eyes when Clint shot her a grin from the floor, "Can we start? Everybody's here now, right?"
"Nay, we need room for one more!" someone announced and they turned to see Thor enter the room with a huge grin, laughing at the yells and greetings he got. Behind him, Steve caught sight of Jane Foster, looking mildly sheepish but smiling too.
"Actually, room for two, sorry," she said and followed Thor into the rec area, waving at Kamala before looking at Steve, "I wouldn't usually crash team night, but Thor said that it was okay, so - "
"You're tipping the science scales of the room, so you're always welcome," Tony answered before Steve could say a word and then paused, smile faltering for a second as he glanced at Steve before his expression was pleasant again, "And anyways, witnessing Thor on movie nights is a spectacle you cannot miss."
Steve nodded. "Glad you could join us, Dr. Foster," he said with a small smile and saw the opportunity before she could find a seat, "Here, take mine. I'll shift over."
"Oh, no, that's okay -"
"No, it's fine, this is better," Steve insisted and got up from his spot to go sit next to Tony, who had taken to sitting on the lone loveseat. Thor smiled and Jane complied, settling down in Steve's spot. Steve caught Clint shooting him a look but then the archer was yelling at everyone to start the movie and Steve didn't have to explain his odd behaviour. Beside him Tony had stiffened when he had sat down but now was actively trying to pretend that he was relaxed. The loveseat was spacious for two people but Steve had broad shoulders that forced him to sit touching Tony, shoulders brushing with the genius.
He pretended that he couldn't sense Tony coiled up in tension as the movie began and everyone focused on it.
Tony didn't sleep through the movie and untensed enough to join the bickering during notable dialogues, but Steve would catch flashes of Tony almost slapping his back or nudging his shoulder but stopping himself in time. It infuriated him and hurt him in equal measures but he kept his quiet till the movie ended.
When the movie ended, Tony made an excuse to slip back to his workshop and Steve slung an arm around his shoulder.
"Actually, I needed to discuss about my uniform too," he said, not letting Tony run away as he smiled at him, "Let's go get that settled, huh Shellhead?"
"Maybe some other time?" Tony tried, shooting a quick glance at Carol before meeting Steve's eye.
"It's been long enough," Steve replied, utterly serious about it and something flashed through Tony's eyes but he nodded.
When they entered the workshop, Tony made a beeline for his worktable, already talking about Steve's uniform. Steve let him talk for a minute, observing him quietly, before he spoke.
"You're really going to not talk about it," Steve commented, more of a realization than a question, but Tony paused just for a second before he continued.
"About the uniform, sure," he shrugged, pulling up holograms and interfaces, "I have a couple of ideas but I'm sure you've got some of your own too, Cap."
"What did I do?"
Tony stopped then and turned to look at Steve, eyes widening when he caught sight of Steve's face.
"Steve -"
"I don't know what I did," Steve took a breath, swallowing back days and weeks of hurt, of doubts and unknown guilt, "I don't know what I did to make you act like - like you don't even know me. It can't have been something related to the invasion or the team because you would have sorted it out immediately. It can't have been something to do with the PR problems because we've had those before, and we've always come through. But something happened. Something happened, something I did or about me, that made you so distant that every time I try to give you space, it only pushes you away further."
"Steve, it's nothing," Tony said and Steve had missed him but not forgotten what he sounded like when he lied.
"You've even stopped putting effort into lying," Steve laughed humourlessly, finding nothing funny, "In the past, no matter how much it sucked, I could see you putting some effort into hiding things. I don't know if this is worse or better, but you're not even trying to hide that you're lying anymore."
"Wow, it's screwed up how that seems to be an indicator of something being wrong," Tony commented and shook his head wearily, "It's nothing, Steve. Everything's fine."
"Did I hurt you?"
"What?"
"Did I hurt you?" Steve repeated, feeling out of place and too big for his skin because Tony had been his constant. Even while being the personification of change, Tony had been Steve's constant always; being the one thing he could depend on even when they disagreed. Not knowing where he stood with Tony was an anomaly and Steve was sinking in a darkness. "Did I hurt you or - or do something that hurt you?"
"No!" Tony said vehemently, looking stunned for a minute before emphasizing, "Steve, no. You didn't hurt me, okay? It wasn't you, you didn't - it wasn't anything you did."
"But someone did. Right?" Steve insisted, latching onto one hope, one clue, "Something happened, someone did something, right?"
"Nobody did anything, Steve," Tony sighed, looking more tired than he did when he ran sleepless for weeks, "It wasn't something anybody did."
"Then what is it?" Steve demanded, floundering in an abyss, "Tony, you've been back a month and we've only spoken when it is about missions or the team or when others are around. You don't come to spar with me and Carol covers for you saying you've chosen to train with her for a while. You don't let me into the workshop if I don't have some specific purpose, even though I've been in your workshop for almost nothing in the past. You don't talk to me about your ideas, or tell me to try some new innovation that you know will make me pull a face. You don't have any witty remark even when I give openings for you to make them. This isn't you! This isn't the Tony Stark I know, this isn't my -," Steve swallowed, "- my friend. And this isn't how we are. So what is it?"
"We aren't fighting, the team's doing fine, everything is fine, Steve!" Tony countered, looking frustrated and torn, "What more do you want?!"
"I want us!" Steve shouted and the sound echoed in the silence after it, Tony staring at him. "I want us," Steve repeated, quieter and raw, "I want you. I want my Tony Stark."
"God," Tony ran a hand over his face and his voice shook, "you don't even know what you're saying."
The words sounded different in another context and Steve knew that Tony wouldn't - it wasn't possible really, but he wasn't about to take back the words. He still meant the crux of it.
"Tony, please," Steve said, and Tony took a shuddering breath before he looked up at Steve, looking wretchedly conflicted for a second before it disappeared from his face.
"Remember that you were the one who asked for this," he warned lightly before holding Steve's gaze, "I'm in love with you."
Steve had frozen once, feeling his heart stop and bones still even as his eyes stayed awake. He felt the same as he stared at Tony in the warmer workshop.
"I knew it for a long time," Tony continued, words flowing out like a dam had been lifted, "Before the Inhumans, before the registration and Ultron's re-entry. It is probably ironic but I realized it the day you quit the team. I don't know, something about nightmares coming real waking up sleeping dreams, maybe."
Steve remembered the day he had left the team. It was years ago, ages ago. It was before he had even admitted to himself that he loved Tony.
"Yeah, I know," Tony said, like he could read Steve's mind and see some horrified thought, "That long. I think Thor knew but it could be blamed on my moping in the aftermath of the team splitting. He never said anything though, so I'm not sure. It wasn't a problem, really. I've fallen for people I can't deserve and I was used to that. Even when I knew that it wasn't a passing crush or infatuation, I knew that it would be okay, because I was good at pretending. You'd know, right?"
Steve heard Tony laugh bitterly and wondered how the man couldn't hear Steve's heart breaking, shattering and rebuilding itself in fractions.
"But then I got pulled into the other dimension and for the first time I thought, what if I could never get back?" Tony said, leaning back against his table, "At first it was more of a passing thought, a doubt. But it always had an additional string of what if I get back and it doesn't matter?"
"Tony," Steve said, not finding words after the name and Tony smiled, self-depreciating and understanding.
"I know, it's narcissistic, I know," Tony shrugged, completely misinterpreting Steve's horror, "but it wouldn't stop once it started. I knew that you guys were doing a great job here, and that everything was fine. And I know I should be happy about that, trust me I was, but I kept wondering - what if it didn't matter anymore? What if me coming back didn't add anything? It was probably more of the solitary thing that got to me but, yeah."
Steve remembered days and nights when Tony's name would slip out of his mouth casually only to remember that he wasn't there. The nights when he couldn't sleep because he always had the nightmare of not being able to get Tony back. He remembered them like fading wounds on his skin but Tony couldn't see those as he kept his eyes down and continued.
"It was a crappy thought but it wasn't the one that terrified me the most though," Tony said, looking back up at Steve, "The worst thing was thinking that I would have to come back and continue a lie. Continue pretending that I only see you as a friend and that I don't feel a thing when Natasha tries to set you up with people who are more suited to you. Who wouldn't be so much of cowards as to pretend to be just friends with you. It terrified me that for a moment, for some long moments, I would rather have chosen to stay alone than to come back and live a lie."
Tony turned back and shrugged. "So now you know why I'm trying to avoid you," he said, the fake casual note slipping into his voice, "and you can do one step further by just getting it over with, telling me how we'll stay professional on the field espite this."
Steve thought about the hurt and the anger, the pain and misery that both of them had lived through because they were too riddled with guilt rather than openness. He thought about all that they had missed.
And then he thought about all that they could have if they just tried. He took a breath and walked towards Tony.
"Cap," Tony was wide-eyed when Steve put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around, "What -"
"I am in love with you too," Steve said calmly, holding Tony's shoulders in his hands, "And you are an absolute idiot."
Tony looked shell-shocked and Steve quirked a grin before leaning foward. He could feel Tony's eyes tracking him as he inched closer to Tony, but he shifted directions and pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead.
"I missed you," Steve whispered against Tony's forehead and moved down to kiss his eyes as they fluttered shut, pressing words into them, "I wanted you. I love you."
"Steve," Tony's voice quivered but Steve smiled against his temple and moved lower to press his lips to Tony's cheek.
"I'm sorry," he kissed the right cheek and moved to the left, "I would never stop trying to bring you back home."
"Steve," Tony's hands came up to clutch at his shirt and his eyes searched Steve's eyes, "God, I don't deserve you"
"You rewrote time and space to come back to me," Steve caught Tony's face in his hands and smiled at him, tremulous and open and loving, "There's nobody else I want to choose."
"We're not some star-crossed lovers, you cornball," Tony laughed wetly and Steve grinned as he kissed Tony's nose.
"So rewrite some stars," he said and Tony closed his eyes, choking on a huff of air as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Steve's.
In their silence, Steve found a lost home again.