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I love the adrenalin cruising in my veins. The usual uneasy feeling of being judged only by the way I look - gone. I am a king, they worship me. Just look at them, eyes wild, open mouths screaming my name, repeating my lyrics, admiring and copying my gestures. I am a ruler of their world at that moment, they are ready to sacrifice anything or anyone in the name of a great Matt Bellamy.
So, how come, the one person that I care about the most, wouldn’t submit to my power? Why are you still seeing me as a scrappy, insignificant, tizzy pest? Just one acknowledgement from you, one moment of recognition, would build me up, but no- you just enjoy breaking me down, satisfied only when I am miserable, the state you like to put me in.
Out of sheer frustration and with a superficial wish to make you jealous I would sleep with anyone who throws themselves at my feet, just hoping that feeling warm body in my bed will make me being human again. Nope, it’s not happening, I’m not enjoying those swift one night-stands. After them I feel even more irritated and skirmish.
You see it, you know about it and you ignore it. It makes me blacker than night- you are colder than ice, I don’t need a good reason to rip you out of my life, but I’m weak and scared, so I keep thinking of thousand ways to hurt you, perfectly aware that I would never do it. Give me one good reason, why I shouldn’t love you and I would leave you and would never feel guilty about it. I see your true colors, you could be so kind and patient with others, why, why you don’t want to give me a small shred of it?!
I know that I need to tear those chains up, do whatever it takes to make you see real me or rip you out of my heart and out of my life.
You’re not the egotistical hypocrite, but you would make me cry and beg for forgiveness, knowing very well, that I didn’t do anything wrong besides blindly loving you. For the rest of the people I am a force of nature, almost a godlike creature, but for you- just puppy eyed, filled with an inexplicable need loser.
I don’t know who you are anymore, but I know it doesn’t make me love you any less. You are hiding behind your perfect exterior, not letting anyone to see the real trouble happening inside of you. I would beg you to stop being scared and show your true self, it won’t make you look weak. But you are too proud, you like to play the “tough guy” role, fooling everyone around you, but me.
Maybe this is the real reason of why you reject me?
You love playing in the band, I know, how much what we do means to you, but when it comes to show your personal demons (as we all have them), we lose you, you become the Iron Curtain of secrecy and unwillingness to open up.
There would be no shame to lose, you don’t need to prove anything to me, just, please, please- let me in! Don’t reject me out of fear of becoming intimate and sharing your private struggle. I am standing with my hands, stretched towards you, ready to embrace you and all your baggage and reveal to you the power of love. There is nothing you can say or do, nothing- that will change my mind. It’s not easy, it takes a lot of courage to let someone to help you bear the cross of truth to be told.
I want you to open your eyes, see me, the real me, as I see real you. I want you to stop rejecting my love and let me heal you, kiss your pain away. I’m not just love-smitten guy, I am the person, who you can tell the truth. I want to end up this standoff, measuring whose cock is bigger, who is a tougher and bolder. We both could flourish from love. I know, there is something that you feel about me, you just don’t let yourself to admit it. You don’t understand, it would not make you to look reduced in my eyes, it would make me to adore you more.
Being burned in the previous relationship shouldn’t scare you, it doesn’t make you less desirable in my eyes. You were strong enough to face the fall, so why can’t you find the same strength to follow your instincts now?
I’m trying to find a root of what’s happening between us, trying to save everything, before it’s gone. You are my oldest friend, we can’t just end up like this- bitter and alone, each of us! I’ve been holding on our bond for so long, this is the one thing that I was always certain about.
I am going to be the one who will make the first step, I will be the first one to call you on your bullshit and I will be the one to end up this standoff between us!
The after-gig party is over, we all leaving the club to go to our hotel rooms, when I fall in behind you and reach for your hand.
“Dom?”
You turn around with the silent question in your eyes, surprised and slightly worried, assessing the expression on my face, but don’t utter a word.
I grip your hand firmly and just tell you, “We need to talk…”