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Tony told her about Steve’s letter two days after it came in the mail, crawling into bed while she read a book – laying his head on her stomach and insistently nudging her until she gave in and ran her fingers through his hair. He proudly recalled Rhodey’s progress, the tweaks they were planning on making to his bionic leg before they released the prototype to the general market. He grumbled about all the inevitable ‘Tony Stank’ jokes. He plied her with quiet flirtations and comically extravagant compliments. And in the middle of all of that, he mentioned Steve’s letter with terribly feigned nonchalance, apparently hoping that Pepper would overlook it between the barrage of all the other information. However, that was not what stopped Pepper from pushing the matter. It was the far-away look in his eyes, the way his face seemed to shut down when Steve was so much as mentioned, that made her decide to let it go. For now. He’d tell her when she was ready.
A week later, she hadn’t exactly forgotten about the letter, but it wasn’t at the forefront of her mind either, not with the everything else on her plate – handling the press fallout because of the Accords, SI, moving into the Compound. At least her move to the Compound was mostly complete, her office being the last room left to be set up. During the past week, she had been working out of Tony’s office, sitting at his desk while he helped Jim with the physical therapy sessions; and now boxes of papers were being transferred from one office to the other. Pepper was going through all the documents, filing them appropriately, when she came across a hand written document that was decidedly not for official Stark Industries purposes.
“Dear Tony,
I’m glad you’re back at the compound, I don’t like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself. We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I’ve been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere – even in the Army. My faith is in people, I guess. Individuals. And I’m happy to say for the most part, they haven’t let me down. Which is why I can’t let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but – maybe they shouldn’t. I know I hurt you Tony. I guess I thought – by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but… I can see now I was really sparing myself. I’m sorry. Hopefully one day you can understand. I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you were only doing what you believe in, and that’s all any of us can do, it’s all any of us should. So no matter what, I promise if you -- if you need us. If you need me, I’ll be there.
Steve”
And suddenly Pepper hated herself for not talking about the letter. For letting Tony internalise these words the way she knew he was prone to. He had said that Steve apologised and she believed him. But this? This wasn’t an apology. Not really. This put it on Tony. It was on Tony for disagreeing. On Tony for fighting back. Everything, as always, was on Tony while Steve Rogers maintained his superior little spot of the Golden Avenger. The one who showed the world that he was there if it needed him. The same world that Tony Stark damn near died protecting but didn’t ever receive any thanks for.
Before she even realised what she was doing, she had that flip phone in a crushing grip and Steve Roger’s number dialled. She spared a thought for the idea that maybe she was being irrational and meddlesome and disregarded it almost instantaneously when she thought of the effect the letter would have had on Tony. She had failed him so many times - so many times she hadn’t been able to help him, hadn’t seen him trapped in the confines of his own mind; and no matter how hard she tried, she knew that he’d always carry that small part in him, the one that constantly blamed himself for everything that went wrong. It was something that she had resigned herself to feel helpless about and yet work on all the same. It was also something that ensured that if there was even a small possibility that she could help, then she would. And this? This was something that she could help - because one thing Pepper Potts was great at was wielding her words like weapons and it was about time she got to have a battle of her own.
She didn’t have to wait long - with Steve answering immediately – nonetheless it was enough time for her to get her thoughts in order.
“Tony?”
“Hello Steve.”
“Pepper? I thought you and Tony were-”
“On a break?” Pepper asked, wincing only slightly. There were still echoes of that fight in her mind. The one that had seemingly been the final blow. She remembered walking out. She remembered all the nights she spent telling herself that it was for the best. In the months that followed, she had thought she had got a handle on the tears and regret - everything changed with a phone call from Siberia. And while she may have been back with Tony, she still woke up surprised to find him by her side, still expected his absence. Shaking her head, she pulled herself away from these thoughts; this wasn’t the time for regrets. Not now. So instead she ground out with a falsely pleasant voice, “I guess I realised how wrong I was about him.”
The unsaid ‘and you didn’t’ hung heavy in the ensuing silence.
“I’m happy for you two. Tony needs to have his people around him.”
‘And you know him so well, don’t you?’ Pepper almost snapped, barely managing to reign in her anger. She knew that it would do no good to yell at him; in her years working for Tony and later as the CEO of Stark Industries, she’d realised that it was never screaming that got the job done. Deceptively calm arguments and cleverly concealed barbs though? They always managed to get under the skin. But God did she want to scream.
“Right. Like you said in the letter, his family – the Avengers. Of course, half of them are on the run, having just fought with him. But it’s the thought that counts right?” Pepper said, wondering if her words sounded as acerbic as she felt.
“Pepper, the Accords, they were just something I didn’t believe in. And I couldn’t just stand by and watch while they turned us into some glorified puppets.”
“Because you were sure of what you thought you knew,” she said, her voice chirpy, betraying none of the anger that was simmering beneath.
“Tell me then, did you know that Tony had been going on relief trips to Sokovia? That he’d seen firsthand the kind of destruction the Avengers were capable of causing. That the idea of the Accords weren’t just some flights of fancy? Of course you did. You knew everything about the Accords before you chose to fight them right?”
Pepper took Steve’s silence as a confirmation of what she had known all along. That none of the Avengers, other than Rhodey, knew. She could hear his sigh, could hear the beginnings of his apology. And she wanted to revel in it. Not yet though, there was a lot more that Steve Rogers needed to apologize for.
“You once said that Tony only fought for himself. That he couldn’t work in a team. Of course, that wasn’t the case with you and the Accords, was it? It wasn’t about you and Barnes. Neither was it about the fact that you thought you knew better than the governments of 117 countries. Of course not. It was about the greater good, wasn’t it?”
On the surface it seemed like Pepper was only exchanging pleasantries, her voice smooth and conversational, a ready smile on her face. However, you had to look only a little deeper to feel the undercurrents of hostility in that smooth voice or the almost predatory glint in that smile. And Steve, with his usual disregard of danger, made no attempts to mollify the woman, blustering through his defence.
“Pepper, you don’t know what exactly happened.”
“I don’t? Okay I’ll tell you what I do know then you can fill in the blanks,” Pepper said, full of seemingly easy agreement and compromises. “What I know is that Tony offered compromises. Barnes in an American Psych Facility. Wanda undergoing an internment at home instead of a government facility. Amendments to the Accords. But you thought you knew better. Better than a man who has been dealing with the government and bureaucracy since he started running a company at the age of 21. Tony has had senators and military officials eating out of his hands for years-”
For the first time in the exchange, Steve cut her off, inklings of annoyance in his voice.
“You’re looking at this as Tony Stark’s girlfriend. As Avengers, we had other things to consider too.”
“You’re right. I’m looking at this as Tony Stark’s girlfriend. Not an Avenger, but a civilian. Maybe you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a civilian, Steve,” Pepper said jovially, undeterred by the frustration she knew was building up at the other end of the call.
“I’ll help you out with that. Give you our perspective. Civilians were out for lunch in New York when buildings began falling around them because the Avengers were fighting off aliens. Civilians were on their way to their jobs in Lagos when that blast was set off. Civilians were driving home when you collapsed a tunnel on them in Bucharest. They had no clue what was going on. All they knew was that their loved ones were dead. That the Avengers were somehow involved. And all they want now is some accountability. The right to know that maybe their children or parents or spouses didn’t die in vain. That it was for some greater purpose. Is that really too much to ask for?”
“I understand that. Trust me, I do. But those things? Those aren’t my fault alone. Or just the Avengers’ fault, for that matter.”
“Okay,” Pepper said calmly, despite feeling anything but. How could he possibly still be justifying what he did? Still maintaining his holier-than-thou attitude. She’d had enough. “But do you really want to hash out the things that I think are just your fault. Like Siberia, for instance. Or this sham of an apology.”
“Siberia wasn’t-” Steve started, obviously unsure of what to say.
“We weren’t-” he continued, once again cutting himself off until he finally settled on, “Tony over reac-”
“Don’t,” Pepper bit out in a voice so cold that it felt like the temperature of the room had fallen by several degrees, all pretences of easy conversation abandoned with that single word. She had held her anger on a tight rein throughout the conversation, but she refused to let Steve blame Tony for how he reacted in Siberia. He had watched as his parents were murdered. Heard his father’s pleas. Seen his mother’s pain. And Captain America – the man he had always hated while growing up, the one, as his father constantly reminded him, he would never live up to – stood there, apology, but not surprise in his eyes. Then Steve Rogers – the man he had finally come to count as a friend – told him that he knew all along. He was warranted in lashing out, and there was no way that Pepper would let anyone so much as suggest otherwise.
Steve seemed to have realised his mistake instantly, if the sudden static silence on the call was anything to go by; however Pepper refused to back down now. She drew in a shuddering breath, bringing her rage under some semblance of control before she said in a cloyingly sweet voice - one that made Steve’s stomach drop even from across the world - “How’s Wakanda, Steve?”
It was a thinly veiled threat – ‘one wrong word and the government would know exactly where to find the fugitives they were looking for’ - one that she didn’t need to make sure that Steve understood. The ice in Pepper’s voice might’ve made bigger men than Steve tremble, but self preservation had never really been his strongest suit.
“Of course Tony doesn’t trust us. How did I expect any better? What did he do? Have us followed?” he ranted in what he believed to be righteous indignation.
“Trust you?” Pepper laughed, almost hysterical. “Who do you think got your friends out of the Raft? Don’t fool yourself even for a moment by taking credit for that little jailbreak. The Raft is a maximum security prison designed specifically to contain enhanced individuals. Do you think throwing a few punches was all it took? Tony spent hours hacking into their security. To free the very people that didn’t trust him. Because he trusts them. So don’t turn this back on Tony.”
This time, she didn’t even give Steve a chance to respond. Terrifyingly icy, yet somehow conversational, Pepper went on.
“Anyway, did you have this talk about over-reacting with T’Challa before or after he took you in? After all, he too went after Barnes to avenge his father’s death. Or maybe you had that talk with Wanda? You know after she caused irreparable trauma to a number of Avengers in the quest to avenge her parents’ death.”
Once again, she was met with an uneasy silence.
“No? Well, there’s always going to be time for that isn’t it? You can’t be up to much in Wakanda, being fugitives must put a dampener on things.”
“That reminds me, how is Wanda? It seemed that you were particularly displeased with Tony’s treatment of her. Her freedom was important to you, right? Tell me, do fugitives roam free in Wakanda? Does Wanda step outside the facility, without a worry of being spotted? Is Barnes getting the treatment he needs?”
Steve sucked in a sharp breath and Pepper knew that her words had hit a sore spot. Good. A part of her felt bad for doing this. For hitting Steve where she knew it would hurt. Because objectively, she knew that Steve had meant no harm. That he had trouble trusting authority after HYDRA’s infiltration of SHIELD. But that didn’t make him right. That didn’t erase how close to dying Tony was in that bunker in Siberia. Her mind brought up the image easily – Tony, injured and tired, lying in a hospital bed in another country – and all the fight drained out of her. Exhausted, Pepper sunk into the chair, head cradled in her hand.
“I watched the tapes from the bunker, you know? He was holding back. He’s eliminated nearly 40 drones with a single beam. He’s fought entire terrorist armies all on his own. But he was holding back. But the two of you? You didn’t hold back, did you? You know that what his suit is made of is nowhere as strong as vibranium. If you had wanted to just shut his suit down you could have damaged just the arc reactor. Instead you ploughed your shield into his chest. The chest of a man with a publicly documented heart condition. And then you left him there. With a suit that didn’t work and a battered body in sub zero temperatures.”
She waited until her words sunk in. Waited until she heard Steve’s mangled apologies and knew that his anguish and concern were genuine. And maybe someday she’d find it in herself to accept his apology. Not today though. So she left with a parting threat - gut wrenching because of the simple way in which it was delivered. There was no fire, no ice but just sombre determination in her words.
“I’m not going to interfere with the Avengers in hiding. It’s not my place. But know this Steve, if you get in touch with Tony with anything short of a genuine apology, I will make sure that they lock all of you in a place that makes the Raft look like a joke.”
Tony reached the office right about when Pepper began reading the letter and everything around him seemed to stop. He barely registered the comings and goings of the various minions that Pepper had employed to move her things around. Barely registered anything that was happening on the outside. Everything inside him, however, was on overdrive. His mind was busy coming up with different scenarios, each one worse than the last. His heart was beating so hard that he was sure it would leave an imprint against his chest. The rational part of him reminded him that he could easily alert her to his presence, effectively stopping her from reading the letter. But some kind of morbid curiosity kept his legs frozen in place and his mouth sealed shut. He wondered whether she’d finally see it. See that he was wrong and walk out again. See him for all the mistakes he had made. The mere thought made him sick; and he knew watching her walk out would hurt more than he could imagine, yet he remained rooted in place.
He wasn’t sure what was happening when she picked up the phone. He barely had time to fully understand the thoughts behind her actions when Cap- Rogers answered his phone. But then Pepper began speaking and once again, Tony found himself frozen speechless – this time for other reasons all together.
Pepper sent her first jab within only a few seconds of the conversation, surprising the hell out of Tony. He wasn’t sure what exactly he had expected but it definitely wasn’t that. Definitely wasn’t watching Pepper verbally decimate Steve Rogers. He watched her with blatant wonder, realising that over the course of their relationship he had gotten so used to Pepper Potts - a woman who stole his dorky t-shirts to wear to bed and made tiny, ridiculous bets with him every other day - that he had forgotten that she was also Ms. Virginia Potts, CEO of Stark Industries. And as she delivered threat after threat as though she were making idle conversation about the weather, Tony was strongly reminded what a force of nature Pepper Potts really was. And watching her, he felt an onslaught of emotions so strong, he was sure he was drowning in them. Awe - plain and simple. Gratitude - crushing and desperate. Hints of panic - wounds of his trauma still fresh. Love.
Pepper finally ended the call, spent and curling into herself. It was her quiet huffs of laboured breath that Tony sprung into action; because while he may not be able to have been the best at dealing with his own emotions, he refused to let Pepper deal with hers alone. There was so much he wanted to say, every emotion he had felt in the last few minutes struggling to be expressed. All he managed to do was clear his throat awkwardly and quip, “Remind me never to get on your bad side. Also, have I ever mentioned how ridiculously hot it is when I’m not at the receiving end of your threats?”
Her head snapped up almost comically; her red rimmed eyes, however, erased any possible humour from the situation. Once again, Tony was struck by how lucky he was. The idea that she cared enough about him to be this distraught made an odd kind of weight settle in his chest - one that was warm and heavy and good and one that he had no idea how to deal with.
Before Tony could even begin to say anything, Pepper was talking a mile a minute, barely stopping to even take in a breath. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to pry I swear. I didn’t realize what I was reading at first but then once I read it, it made me so mad I couldn’t just ignore it. I probably shouldn’t have called but I couldn’t just sit there and not do anything. But I’m sorry for not giving you time to tell me yourself.”
She seemed to have worked herself up almost to the point of hysteria; acting fast, Tony crossed the room, placing his hands on her shoulders to steady her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms, trying to stop her frantic stream of apologies.
“Hey hey hey. It’s okay. It’s fine. I don’t care that you called. I’m just really impressed. And a little bit turned on to be honest,” he said in a soft voice, sure that his playful words would do nothing to mask the soppy smile on his face or the hesitant relief in his eyes. Pepper had always been able to see through his bullshit after all. But she only smiled and rested her forehead against his, her fingers cradling the nape of his neck.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
Tony thought about playing it off. Saying something about how it wasn’t that important. About how he’d barely given the letter a thought. And even if he had ever possessed the ability to effectively lie to her, he couldn’t now – not with her eyes so wide and questioning and patient and her smile so affectionate. So with as much nonchalance he could muster, he shrugged and said - “I was worried that you’d see his side of things and leave” – hoping he didn’t sound as pathetic as he felt.
He watched as Pepper’s eyes turned from disbelieving to regretful to downright sad and just as they were about to well up Tony felt panic begin to claw at his throat. He scrambled to say anything that came to his mind – anything as long as it would stop her from crying. “Of course, that was before listening to all that, you threatening Captain fucking America - pretty sure that was a teenage fantasy of mine, a hot girl kicking Captain America’s ass.” His efforts were rewarded with a watery laugh and a soft kiss.
Pepper settled her head against his chest, winding her arms around his waist, trying to say with a hug what words couldn’t. I’m here. And nothing is going to change that. And Tony let himself believe her, pressing a kiss against her forehead. They stayed like that for a few moments - comfortable in each other’s arms – winding down from the emotional rollercoaster they had both gone through. Suddenly, seeming to remember something, Pepper pulled back.
“Tony have you taken your meds? If you haven’t taken your meds so help me God-”
Tony cut her off with a kiss. This one much less chaste and much more languid than the previous one.
“You know what? I was wrong. It’s hot when you’re threatening me too.”