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When confusion's my companion
And despair hold me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
Emma slowly drifted to consciousness, a hand tracing circles over her back rousing her. She clung to the warmth surrounding her and buried her nose into her pillow, belatedly realizing her “pillow” was moving up and down with even breaths.
“Come on, love,” she felt Killian’s voice rumble through his chest more than heard it. “Liam’s cooked up some sustenance. I know you’re probably not hungry, but you need to eat.”
Killian. Liam. Oh God. Emma tensed, squeezing her eyes shut. The hand on her back stilled. I cried all over Killian and got snot on him and everything. He saw me cry. Oh shit. He saw me cry. Dammit Emma. You’re supposed to keep it together, not fall apart!
She pushed away from him, rolling off the other side of the bed and walking quickly into the bathroom. There was a steel band tightening around her ribs and pushing all the air from her lungs and she couldn’t breathe and her heart was beating out of her chest and her ears were buzzing and the bathroom lights were blinding and the—
Strong arms enveloped her, pulling her into a firm body and cradling her reassuringly. A soft, accented voice murmured into her ear, traces of Irish floating in every so often. Her body rocked in a slow tempo in time with his.
Gradually, she was able to take deeper and deeper breaths, and her heart slowed down, and she was able to make out Killian’s words. “She stepped away from me...and she moved through the fair...and fondly I watched her...move here and move there. Calma síos, mo ghrá. There’s a love. Deeeeeep breaths. In...and out. Good lass.”
“I’m so sorry, Killian,” she whispered. “I don’t know what happened.”
“I think you had a panic attack, love.” She felt his grip around her loosen and she took a small step back, running her hands through her hair. “Might I suggest a shower before we eat? You may feel better.”
She nodded, staring down at her feet. “Yeah, ok.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Killian head to the door, pausing for a moment before slipping out and closing the door behind him.
She quickly stripped and stepped into the shower, ducking into the hot stream. Even though she hadn’t been doing much lately, it felt nice to wash the grime away. When the water started to cool, she reluctantly cranked the handle to off and dried off, wrapping the fluffy towel around her. She stuck her head out into her room to make sure it was empty, then moved to her closet to pull on her favorite sweatpants and Killian’s college hoodie that she had pilfered years before. Killian was right (per usual), she did feel a little bit more human.
When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
'Cause I know that You are near
Emma headed to the kitchen, the tempting aroma of grilled cheese wafting down the hall. As soon as she reached the end of the hallway, she skidded to a stop.
Her apartment was spotless.
The sink that had been overflowing with dirty dishes was bare and sparkling clean, and the rest of the kitchen looked like it had been scrubbed within an inch of its life.
The trash bin that had been stuffed with takeout containers was empty, and the two filled bags previously leaning on it were gone as well.
The letters and envelopes scattered across the counter were neatly stacked, with upcoming bills picked out and tacked on the front of her fridge with magnets.
The floors were all swept clean, her couch pillows and throws were straightened, her TV and DVD remotes were lined up with the edge of her coffee table.
The baskets piled high with dirty laundry that she just hadn’t gotten around to were stacked by the hallway, all of her clothes folded with the precision that could only come with serving in the Royal Navy.
She couldn’t even make herself feel embarrassed that Liam must have seen her period-stained panties and rubber ducky bra.
He had cleaned her apartment to a state even better than when she had first moved in. She felt wetness start to track down her cheeks again and reached up to brush it away.
She slowly walked to the kitchen, where Liam and Killian were leaning against the counter, concerned, slightly wary looks on their faces. She threw her arms around Liam, burying her face in his neck, letting her actions speak her thanks. Killian was her best friend, but Liam was the older brother she never had, always looking after her, always making sure she was taken care of—sometimes more of a mother hen, taking her under his wing. He returned her hug, holding onto her tightly.
“We’re here for you, love. Let us help you?” he asked quietly. She nodded into his shoulder, sniffling. A warm hand settled on her back, and she turned her head to the side to meet Killian’s eyes. He reached up to push her hair off her face, and tenderly wiped away her tears.
“I hope I didn’t overstep...but I talked to Robin and got the name of his doctor—Dr. French. She had an opening tomorrow afternoon, so I made the appointment for you...if that’s okay?”
She nodded, taking a deep breath. “Thanks, Killian. I appreciate it. Really.” She pulled back from Liam’s arms. “I appreciate everything you guys do. I’m...sorry if I don’t always say that. Cause I’m really thankful for you both.”
The brothers pulled her into a bear hug, trapping her between them and almost squeezing the life out of her. “We’re thankful for you too, love.” Killian replied.
Hey Jones?
Can I ask a favor?
Anything, love. Ask and it’s yours.
Emma bit her lip, hesitating. She wanted—needed—Killian to go with her to the doctor that afternoon, but didn’t want to seem weak or clingy. He’d already seen her cry—twice. He’d held her during her panic attack and sang to her and whispered calming thoughts. He’d reached out to Robin for his recommendation and made an appointment for her so she could get help. He’d done so much, and here she was wanting more.
Swan?
Are you busy this afternoon?
Yes, I’ll come with you to your appointment with you, Swan. Pick you up at 2:30?
She stared at her phone, almost in disbelief at Killian’s perfect guess at what she was going to ask, but then again...he knew her better than anyone else in the world, of course he knew what she needed.
You’re the best.
A few hours later, Killian parked outside the generic medical building, but she made no move to get out. What if I’m too messed up? What if she gets me committed? What if she puts me on a bunch of drugs? What if I answer a question wrong? What if she—
Killian’s palm pressed against her cheek, turning her face toward his, grounding her. “Look at me, love.” Once she met his eyes, he continued. “One step at a time, no faster than that. You can do it, love. I have faith in you.”
Emma nodded, taking a deep breath as she stepped out of the car. “Okay. Let’s go.” As they headed into the building, she reached out and gripped his hand, holding it like a lifeline. He reassuringly squeezed her hand, brushed a quick kiss on her knuckles, then pulled his arm over her shoulder and tucked her into his side—a familiar gesture, but more somber and less playful than normal.
Suddenly she stopped as she came to a sinking realization, one she had neglected to think of before. “Killian, I can’t do this. I can’t pay for this. I can barely make rent next month. I can’t afford this.” She felt unbidden tears well up in her eyes, making her even more frustrated at her turbulent emotions. “I can’t afford doctors and medications and visits. I can’t do this.”
“Swan, don’t fret about any of that. Just focus on getting better. That’s all you need to worry about right now.”
“But how can I not worry about that? I already have school debt to worry about, I can’t rack up a ton of medical bills on top of all that.”
“Grá mo chroí.” his voice was soft and imploring. “Trust me. Don’t worry about it.”
She searched his eyes until his meaning clicked. “Killian, no, I can’t ask you and Liam to pay for this.”
“You’re not asking, we’re telling you. You’re going to focus on getting the help you need, and Liam and I are going to make sure you don’t have to worry about anything but that.”
The tears spilled over, but Killian’s thumb was on her cheek instantly to wipe them away. “What did I do to deserve you two in my life?” she whispered into the shoulder of the arm that was still holding her close.
“You were just you.” she felt him place a tender kiss on her hair and she gathered strength as he just embraced her for a moment.
She breathed deeply and straightened. “Okay, I’m ready.”
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
“Right back this way, Emma.” Dr. French guided her out of the exam room toward the nurse’s station to pick up a few brochures and a discount card for the medicine she had prescribed Emma. “Now, remember, the medicine isn’t a cure-all. It helps even out chemical imbalances, but you have to combine it with lifestyle changes—regular exercise, managing stress, maintaining relationships. I would also like to schedule you with Tina for a therapy session this week, and at least once a week for a couple of months. How does that sound?”
Emma nodded, trying not to feel overwhelmed, but also grateful that Dr. French was confident Emma could manage this. Dr. French had been patient with Emma, teasing out her struggles through gentle questions without Emma hardly even realizing it. She had asked Emma several questions about any thoughts or plans of self-harm or suicide, delicately explaining that depression can warp one’s viewpoint of the world and cause them to take actions they wouldn’t have normally taken. Dr. French made Emma feel safe throughout the whole visit, helping Emma understand what was going on and how Dr. French and Tina would work together to ensure she would get all the support she needed. “That sounds good. Thanks.”
Dr. French nodded, smiling kindly as she reached out to squeeze Emma’s shoulder. “Remember, you’re not alone, no matter how much it may feel that way at times. You have people that love you and support you, I can tell.”
Killian. Emma’s thoughts jumped to him immediately. Liam. David. Mary Margaret. Graham. “You’re right, I do.” she replied softly. “Thanks, Dr. French.”
Dr. French directed her to the hallway that would take her back to the waiting room. Right before she turned the corner, she could see Killian sitting where she had left him. His right foot bounced anxiously—she knew if he had been at home, he would be pacing a ditch in his living room floor. His elbows rested on his knees and his hand kept on moving to rub behind his right ear. Every few seconds his eyes would flicker up to where she was about to emerge. When she stepped into his line of sight and met his gaze, she was shocked to see the overwhelming concern, determination, and caring (love? No, don’t be silly, Emma) pouring out on his face.
He shot up from where he was sitting and strode to her, relief flooding his features. She felt his eyes tracing over her face and the familiar questioning quirk of his eyebrow. Okay, Swan? She nodded slightly and tilted her head toward the exit. Yes, later.
“Everything’s all been taken care of at the desk, love.” he said softly, turning the palm of his hand toward her invitingly. Always giving her the choice, always letting her have an out if she didn’t want to, always respecting her limits and not pushing too much (she knew he had to poke at her walls occasionally, he couldn’t help it).
She grasped his hand and slid her fingers between his, comforted by his warm grip. “You’re amazing,” she murmured.
Killian’s thumb rubbed circles on the back of her hand as they made their way to his car. The corners of her lips turned up a little as he opened her door, and settled herself in her seat as he closed it and walked around to his side. She remembered how long she fought him on his acts of chivalry (“I’m always a gentleman, Swan” ) and how she finally understood that he did those things out of respect and honor for her, not because he thought she was incapable of doing them herself (“You’re a tough lass, Swan, of course you can open your own bloody door!” ). Their friendship had come so far from when she thought those acts were just a front, just a way for him to flirt and be charming to get attention. Now she knew his gestures were genuine, and was grateful when he offered to share his coat, pulled out her chair when they sat down for a meal, or made sure she made it home safe after they went out with friends.
Emma came back to the present when she felt the car roll to a gentle stop and realized they were at the pharmacy. Killian must have seen the prescription on top of the papers still clutched in her hand. “Want to go in and wait, or just want me to drop it off and we’ll pick it up later?” Killian asked.
“Let’s just drop it off.” He nodded and headed to the drive-through, quickly handing over her prescription to the tech, who promised it would be ready in an hour or so.
They drove in silence with just the radio on quietly in the background to the house he and Liam shared overlooking the bay. Their big black lab mix, Buckley, bounded up to her side of the car as Killian opened her door and jumped in her lap. She buried her face in his sleek coat for a few moments before nudging him off her so she could get out of the car. Killian’s arm slid around her shoulders and hers slid around his waist as they headed toward the front door. She felt drained and heavy, like almost every cell in her body was depleted of physical and emotional energy from the stress of the day and talking to Dr. French.
She sank into “her” side of the worn leather couch in the living room with a sigh. Buckley hopped up beside her, resting his head on her thigh reassuringly and pushing his nose under her fingers. She began stroking his head and silky ears and closed her eyes, trying to take deep, calming breaths, until she felt a warm mug press into her free hand. She looked up to see Killian with two mugs of hot chocolate, topped with whipped cream and a dusting of cinnamon, and carefully wrapped her fingers around the one he was handing her. “Thanks.”
“Of course, love.” he settled beside her and she curled up into his side, his arm snug around her as she sipped her warm, comforting drink.
Killian took her mug when she was finished and set it with his on the side table, then pulled her further into his arms. She was safe, and protected, and felt ready to tell him about her appointment.
“She...she was really nice, really understanding.” she started softly, shifting to settle her head on his shoulder. “She made me feel like I am normal, not messed up, just in need of some help.
“She said I have a chemical imbalance and it’s not always understood why, but with the added stress of not having cases and stuff...she thinks that set it off. She wants me to start the medicine and go to the therapist she works with, Tina.”
“I’m so proud of you, love,” he murmured against her hair.
“Thank you for everything these past two days, Killian,” she whispered, trying not to choke up again. “I’m sorry to put you through all this.”
“Don’t go there, Emma. You’re my best friend. You’re going through a rough patch, but the important thing is that you’re getting the help you need. That you’re willing to get the help you need.”
She nodded, fighting to keep her eyes open.
“Sleep, love. You’ve been through the wringer today.” She slid down the couch so her head was pillowed in his lap. His fingers brushed through her hair as her eyelids drooped and she drifted off to the sound of his soft humming.
You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless
“You’ve made really good progress in the last few sessions, Emma.” Tina finished writing in her chart and set the folder in a box next to her computer. “I think we can move your appointments out to every two weeks now, after your appointment with Dr. French next week to evaluate your medication. That will be two months on the full dose, correct?”
Emma nodded, pushing her hair behind her ears. “Yes. I think it’s really helped. And you’ve really helped.”
Tina shifted in her chair. “Emma, I’ve guided you, but you’ve done the heavy lifting. You bought into your therapy and treatment and done the exercises at home. How’s the journaling going?”
“It’s tough, sometimes...I’m not always the best at expressing my feelings with words. But knowing that no one else is going to read it and judge me for it helps a lot.”
“Good, I’m glad. You still have progress to make, but you’ve come so far. Be proud, Emma.” Tina smiled and squeezed her knee before standing.
Emma headed back to the waiting room, the route familiar by now. The sight at the end of the hallway was familiar too—Killian sitting in the same chair as always, eyes flicking up anxiously, especially if her time ran over a few minutes. Then their eyes would meet, his body relaxing instantly, and he would be by her side, eyebrow quirked and palm turned to her. As she progressed through treatment and her emotions stabilized, he became less anxious for her and stopped bouncing his foot so hard (the man could still pound nails in with the heel of his shoe when forced to sit for periods of time).
She grasped his proffered hand and leaned into his shoulder as they exited the office. “Good visit, love?”
“She’s moving me out to every two week visits after I see Dr. French next week,” she said with a grin. “She thinks I’m doing really well.”
Killian whooped, pulling her into a hug and spinning her around in a circle, and she felt a giggle, a damn giggle, bubble up from her chest and she laughed until her belly hurt and she was dizzy from his spins. “I told you, Swan. You can do it. You’re doing it.” He brushed a gentle kiss to her forehead before opening her car door. “This is cause for celebration. Granny’s?”
“Granny’s.”
They walked along the dock, extra large to-go cups of hot chocolate from gripped in their free hands until they reached the end and eased down to sit, legs dangling over the water. Emma grabbed Killian’s arm and pulled it around her, scooting over until she was tucked up against him. She caught a glimpse of his amused grin out of the corner of her eye and felt her cheeks warm with a blush. “Comfortable, love?”
“Of course I am...I’m with you.” her words were soft, her meaning deep. His other arm came around her, holding her close, cradling her tenderly.
They sat there for a while, watching the water as the sun edged toward the horizon before she spoke again. “Killian, there’s something I need to tell you, that...that I’ve needed to tell you for a long time, I just...haven’t realized and understood it fully until recently.”
She looked up and met Killian’s eyes, seeing his encouraging nod and one side of his mouth turn up hopefully as his thumb traced circles on her shoulder. “I love you.” she breathed, leaning forward to graze her nose against his. “I love you, Killian Jones.”
The smile on his face was blinding as one hand moved to cradle her cheek and the other threaded through the hair at the base of her neck, still keeping her in his embrace. “I love you, Emma Swan.” he whispered back, eyes searching hers, then flicking down to her lips, but still waiting for her, as always.
She barely leaned forward, brushing her lips against his once...twice...then let him take the lead as he angled her head more and his soft lips covered hers, moving gently.
Nothing in her life had felt so right, so perfect. The final piece within her clicked and her breath came easier and her heart was beating rapidly, but for a very different reason this time. It was better than she had ever dreamed, had ever hoped (and she had had a lot of dreams of kissing Killian Jones) (and maybe of doing lots of other stuff with Killian Jones too, but that would have to wait).
Her hand slid up his arm and neck and into his short hair, lightly scratching his scalp as he took her lower lip in between hers and worried it between his teeth. She sighed into his mouth and chased his lips when he pulled back a bit to catch his breath, his eyes kind of dazed.
“Give a man a breather, grá mo chroí.” he chuckled softly, forehead resting on hers.
“What does that mean? Grá mo chroí?” she was curious, doubly so when she saw his cheeks and the tips of his ears turn pink.
“It means ‘love of my heart’. Which you are.” She kissed him again, deeper this time, leaning into him. He returned the kiss enthusiastically, exploring her mouth thoroughly, before she pulled back this time.
“Wait...you, you told that to me before my first appointment with Dr. French. Did you know then…?”
“Swan, I’ve been in love with you for the past four years. I just...I knew you weren’t there yet, and I wasn’t going to ruin the best thing in my life by pushing too hard.”
He’s been in love with me for four years? I’m the best thing in his life? She kissed him again, knocking him back onto the boards of the pier accidentally. He started to chuckle against her lips and soon she followed suit, collapsing in a fit of laughter on top of him.
“Thank you for coming into my life, Killian.” she whispered as they caught their breath.
“Thank you for changing mine, Emma.” he replied, pulling her close to him so they could watch the sunset.
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders