Chapter Text
“Dear Ox Matheson, today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why,” Ox looked up from his laptop on his lap and into the mirror in front of him. He saw the grease smug on his nose and the way his polo’s collar was crumbled. His mind went blank as he thought of what to say next. “Because today all you have to do is be yourself.” He said out loud as opposed to actually writing what he was saying onto the letter. “But also confident, that’s important, but interesting, like easy to talk to, approachable. But also be yourself, that’s number one like be yourself. Just be true to yourself.”
Ox took a deep breath and looked at himself in the mirror again. He knew he was large and awkward for his age. He knew that his anxiety kept him from actually looking for good parts of him, but the letters he had to write to himself were supposed to help him gain some of the confidence he never had. He looked to the box on his bedside table where he kept his medication and thought about taking another dose to help him prepare for the first day of school.
“Also though, don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason, even though you can’t make it stop no matter what you do, because they’re not going to get sweaty so I don’t know why you’re bringing that up, because it’s not going to happen, all you have to do is just be yourself.” He said, he couldn’t bring himself to look at the laptop that started to fall from his knees. He wasn’t writing anymore, more like thinking out loud. None of this was good enough for a letter.
“It’s not going to be like that time you had the perfect opportunity to talk to Joe Bennett at the jazz band concert when you waited afterwards just to talk to him and tell him how good he was. And you were going to be super casual and act like you didn’t even know his name. Like he would introduce himself and you’d be like, ‘Moe, I’m sorry you said your name was Moe?’ and he’d be like ‘No, it’s Joe. I said Joe.’ and then you’d be like, ‘I thought you said Moe because I’m just super busy with other stuff so like..’ But you didn’t even end up saying anything to him because you were scared that your hands were sweaty which they weren’t that sweaty until you started worrying that they were sweaty and then they got sweatier so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom, but then they were still sweaty and they were just very warm now as well.” He said to his reflection.
His bedroom door opened and his mother walked in which got Ox to stop talking to himself and look back to his lap where his arm laid across his laptop. He picked at the cast wrapped around his broken left arm.
Maggie Callaway was a little twig of a woman. She had all the color that Ox did but she had grace which Ox lacked, and kindness which the world lacked. She walked into the room and waved a twenty dollar bill in the air. Ox lifted his head and began to pick at the edge of the cast. Maggie had a sweet smile on her lip but he knew she was a little annoyed.
“So you didn’t want to eat yesterday?” She asked as she put the money on top of the box where Ox kept his pills.
“I wasn’t...hungry.” Ox said in a small whisper.
“You’re a senior in high school, Ox. You have to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m not at home. You can do it all online now. You don’t have to answer the phone. I know you don’t like the phone.” Green Creek, Oregon had just gotten take out services from their restaurants that were starting to pop up. Ox knew that the chances of him knowing someone who delivered him food were greater in a small town.
“That’s not true. You have to talk to the guy who comes to your door and then you have to stand there while they make change. You just have to stand there while it’s silent and wait for the change.” Ox said, looking at his mother. He couldn’t talk to her but he knew she got him more than anyone. And even then that was a stretch. She still wanted him to be fixed.
Maggie walked around Ox’s bed and started folding his laundry that was thrown across his floor. “This is what you’re supposed to be working on with Dr. Livingstone. Talking with people, engaging with people. Not running away from people.” She placed the laundry down in piles on his bed.
“I know I’m getting a lot better.” Ox said too fast. He knew Gordo was a good therapist but he still couldn’t get through to himself.
“I know, I know. That’s why I went ahead and made you an appointment for today. I’ll pick you up after school.” Maggie leaned up against the bed and smiled down at her son. How she loved him.
“I already have an appointment next week.”
“And I thought you could use something a little sooner. Hey have you been writing those letters he wants you do to? ‘Dear Ox Matheson, this is going to be a good day and here’s why,’”
“I started one. I’ll finish it at school.”
“Those letters are going to help you build your confidence. Seize the day right?”
Ox felt the flush on his face and he knew he had to get out of there. He checked his clock and found that he had enough time to grab a granola bar for breakfast before heading off to school. He then started worrying about the fact that he couldn’t drive so he had to walk and that made his boxers bunch up.
“I guess.” Ox whispered as he started packing up his backpack. He threw his laptop in.
“I don’t want another year of you sitting alone at home on your computer telling me you have no friends.”
“Neither do I.”
“Perk up, please. I want you to at least try to be happy today. The world is stable, it’s not going to fall apart.” Maggie checked his box to make sure his pills were in there. “You can ask the other kids to sign your cast. That’s the perfect ice breaker.”
“Yeah..perfect.” Ox put his backpack on and walked out of the room and to the kitchen. Maggie followed him and smiled as he grabbed breakfast.
“I’m proud of you already.” She told him.
Ox looked to her and walked to the door. “Oh...great.” He shut the door as he left.
Maggie put her hand to her forehead. “I need help.” She said aloud.
~~
“It’s your senior year, Kelly, you’re not going to be late on the first day.” Elizabeth Bennett stood at the head of the Bennett family table and poured orange juice into oldest son Carter’s glass. Kelly, dressed all in black, walked in and sat down. He pulled his hood up and started picking at his black nail polish, letting the flecks fall into the cereal of his younger brother Joe.
“I already said I’d go tomorrow. I’m trying to be reasonable here.” Kelly looked up at his mother and gave a fake smile. He dived into his own bowl of cereal, pouring the rest of the milk into his bowl.
“Would you like to intervene here, Thomas or are you too busy on your emails.” Elizabeth asked her husband across the table.
Thomas Bennett, ever the larger version of his youngest son, was too busy on his emails. He didn’t even look up because he knew what his middle son was doing. “You have to go to school, Kelly.”
“Oh that’s all?” Elizabeth rolled her eyes and put a napkin in Joe’s lap as he sulked over his bowl.
“He’s not going to listen. Look at him, he’s probably high.” Thomas said, finally looking up. Everyone turned to face Kelly who stared them all down.
“He’s definitely high.” Carter said through a mouthful of Cap’n Crunch.
“Fuck you.” Kelly threw back.
“Fuck you!” Carter replied.
“I don’t want you picking at your brother on the first day of school. And besides he’s not high.” Elizabeth looked down at her middle son. He blinked a few times back at her. “Are you high?”
“No.” Kelly muttered back at her as he put his head down in his arms on the table.
“I don’t want you going to school high, Kelly.”
“Great so then I won’t go.” Kelly got up from the table and grabbed his back, walking out of the house to smoke. “Thanks mom.”
“I can’t get through to him.” Elizabeth said to the room.
Thomas got up and walked out, Carter following him. “The interstate is already jammed.” He said. Thomas and Carter worked at the lawfirm a few towns over.
Joe looked up from his bowl and grabbed the empty milk carton. “Kelly finished the milk!” He got up and grabbed the keys to the car he shared with Kelly. “If he’s not ready I’m leaving without him.”
~~
Ox stood in front of his locker at in the hallway. His arm under his cast was starting to get itchy and he had the urge to pick at his cast until it fell apart in his hands. The locker next to his slammed shut and Jessie turned to face him. Jessie was a pretty girl with the drive and talent of a politician.
“Hey. How was your summer?” Jessie asked Ox. Ox was taken back by the fact that someone was addressing him. He opened his mouth to speak but Jessie continued on. “Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know. But even though I did so much and so busy I was still able to meet so many new people.”
Ox stuck out his arm and held a sharpie up with the other hand. “Do you think you maybe...would want to sign...I mean I don’t know what you have to do or what your plans are but.. Do you wanna sign my--”
“Oh my God, what happened to your arm?” Jessie looked down at the cast and put her hands to her cheeks.
“Oh well you see it’s a funny story. I worked as a junior forest ranger at the state forest this summer, not to brag or anything, and I fell from a tree and--”
“Oh really? My grandmother broke her hip in May and that was what the doctor’s called the beginning of the end because then she died.” Jessie frowned. She smiled again and walked away. “Happy first day.”
Ox looked to the retreating girl and then turned back to his locker. It wasn’t a big disappointment to him that she didn’t want to sign his cast. It was better than having to talk to her. He started taking his things out and putting them away. A boy with glasses leaned up against the locker next to him and pointed at him. Robbie. Robbie was Ox’s closest friend he had. He was his friend because he had to be.
“Jerk off too much? That’s a first. Let’s see, you have Joe’s Instagram up on your phone and you’re getting in the mood--” Robbie started to say. Ox turned to look at Robbie and cut him off.
“It’s not like that.” Ox held his arm out. “I fell from a tree.”
“You fell?” Robbie raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you, an acorn?”
“No. I worked as a forest ranger this summer and I climbed this 40 foot oak tree and I wanted to know what it would look like from up there. And my foot slipped so I fell. And it was funny because there was a whole ten minutes where I was just laying there thinking ‘any second now someone will find me’.” Ox twiddled his thumb around his cast and sighed.
“And did someone find you?” Robbie asked.
Ox shook his head. “No. That’s the funny part.”
“Weird.” Robbie started to walk away but Ox stuck his arm out again.
“Do you maybe--I mean I don’t know what you have time for but do you maybe want to sign my cast?” He gave a small shrug.
“Why are you asking me?”
“I was thinking...we’re friends?”
“We’re family friends. That’s different. Now tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you.” Robbie walked straight into Kelly Bennett. Ox knew Robbie’s fascination with Kelly Bennett but he never did anything about it. “Hey Kelly. Love the haircut. Very school shooter chic.”
There was an awkward moment of silence as Kelly looked to Robbie and Robbie looked to Kelly. Ox looked between them. He never talked to Kelly but he knew all about him because he knew all about Joe.
“It was a joke. Ha. Ha.” Robbie rolled his eyes.
“It was funny. I’m laughing. See?” Kelly said with a blank face. “Am I not laughing hard enough?” He walked forward a step and Robbie moved around him.
“What a freak.”
Ox gave a small laugh in the back of his throat from the nerves. Kelly’s head whipped towards him and he advanced.
“Why the fuck are you laughing?” Kelly screamed. Ox couldn’t say anything back. He backed up and tried to speak. “Stop fucking laughing. You think I’m a freak?” Ox shook his head. “I’m not the freak. You’re the fucking freak.” He shoved him hard to the ground and walked away.
Ox sat on the ground for a few moments, waiting to see if someone would come get him. No one came so Ox slowly got to his legs. Why didn’t he fight back. Why couldn’t he stand up for himself or even just explain what was wrong? He felt so weak and helpless. He was never going to get better.
A hand gripped his arm. Ox turned his head to see a younger boy standing there. He was the one Ox had dreamed about forever. Joe Bennett. Ox felt his hands start to get sweaty.
“Hey. I saw my brother push you. I’m sorry. He’s an asshole. You’re Oxnard, right?” Joe asked.
Ox’s tongue was tied so all the slipped out was, “Oxna.”
“Ox that’s your name right?” Joe asked.
“Yes! Ox. Sorry.” Ox blurted out.
“Why?” Joe asked.
“Because you said Ox and I said Ox and I hate when people do that. So sorry.” Ox blushed red to his roots.
“I’m Joe.”
“I know.”
“You know?”
“Well just because I hear you play in jazz band a lot. I love jazz. Well not all jazz but definitely jazz band jazz which is like different and I’m sorry.”
“You apologize a lot.” Ox twisted his hands as Joe started to walk away.
“Do you maybe want to--”
“What did you say?”
“Hmm what?”
“ You said something so I came back.”
“Oh...no.”
“Oh...okay.” Joe turned and left.
“Joe.” He walked to the computer lab so he could finish writing his paper before class started.
Ox was alone in the computer lab. He placed his laptop down on a desk and sat down. He liked being alone when he wrote because then he could think and not have anyone bother him for just a moment. But he did wish he had someone to talk to rather than writing letters to himself.
He felt tears prick the back of his eyes and he tried to type but he couldn’t. He thought for a moment and then began writing.
Dear Ox Matheson,
Turns out it wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or year either. Because why would it be? I know there’s Joe and all my hope is pinned on Joe who I don’t know and who doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything were different. I wish I was a part of something. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone care if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely, your most best and dearest friend,
Me.
He typed, his eyes filling with tears. He sent the paper to print when his phone buzzed. He checked and noticed his mother sent a message.
Won’t be able to pick you up. Head to dr. appt after school. Fix yourself something for dinner tonight. Love you.
Ox put his hands to his eyes and sighed.
A small cough made him look up. Kelly was standing there with Evan’s letter in his hand.
“So. How did you break your arm?” Kelly asked like he actually cared. Ox was taken back. He stood up and moved over a little to stand by the desk.
“I...fell from a tree.” Ox said in a small voice.
“You fell from a tree?” Ox nodded and Kelly continued, “That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard, oh my God.” He laughed.
“I know.” Ox turned away.
“No one has signed your cast yet.” Kelly walked forward. “I’ll sign it.”
“You don’t have to.” Ox said quickly.
“Do you have a pen?” He asked. Ox pulled the sharpie out of his pocket and handed it over. Kelly gripped his arm hard and pulled him towards him. In big letters, Kelly wrote ‘KELLY’ on his cast, covering the entire front.
“Oh. Thanks.” Ox said looking at the signature.
“Now we can both pretend to have friends.” Ox was planning on going when Kelly pulled the paper up. “Is this yours? It was in the printer. Dear Ox Matheson, that’s you.”
“Oh yeah that’s just a stupid project.” Ox reached for it but Kelly held it out of reach.
“‘Because there’s Joe. All my hope is pinned on Joe?’” Kelly read. “Is this about my brother?”
“What? No.” Ox tried to say.
“Yeah it is. You wrote this because you knew I would find it. You saw I was the only one in here.”
“No why would I do that?”
“Because I would see the creepy shit you wrote about my brother and freak out so you could tell everyone I was crazy!” Kelly yelled at him, getting in his face. Ox, being bigger still, cowered low.
“No that’s not it.”
“Fuck you!” Kelly stormed out of the room with the paper.
“No please I need that back. Please give it back!”
But it was no use. The letter was gone and so was Kelly. He looked down at his arm and felt like crying again.
~~
A week had passed. Ox had two meetings with Gordo and so far nothing could stop the constant panic he felt everytime he walked in the school. He didn’t want to get in trouble for writing this letter. Gordo helped him write more letters but it was the one that was in the hands of Kelly that worried him the most. He felt like vomiting. Kelly wasn’t at school and no one had seen him. Ox decided he needed to let someone know before it got too late.
Ox pulled up Skype on his phone before and Robbie replied by denying it twice before answering. Robbie was probably just getting out of bed. He looked like he was tired but he was listening which was good enough for now.
“Kelly took a letter I wrote to myself.” Ox blurted out.
“A letter to yourself? What the fuck?” Robbie rolled his eyes. “Is that a sex thing?” He asked.
“No it was an assignment.”
“Why the fuck are you talking to me about his?”
“Because you’re my only--family friend.” He sighed.
“God.”
“He hasn’t been at school since. It’s been a week.” Ox tugged at his cast and felt the sharp pain that came with it. “What’s he going to do?”
“He’s going to ruin your life with it. Mark my words. He’s batshit crazy. Remember the one time he threw a printer at our teacher in third grade because he didn’t like the juice we had for snack that day. He’ll ruin your life. I would.”
Robbie hung up and Ox looked around to see if someone was around to talk to him. He walked inside the school and headed to his locker when the overhead speaker came on.
“Oxnard Matheson, please report to the principal’s office.”
Ox’s heart dropped. He knew it was the time he was dreading the most. He shouldered his backpack and walked towards the office.
When he arrived the secretary looked said and she let him into the room. He walked in and expected to see his principal when he saw two middle age adults. A man and a woman. Obviously married. The man looked just like Joe, and Ox’s heart stopped.
“I’m sorry. I was told principal Michelle would be here.” Ox said quietly.
“Michelle stepped out. Please sit down. You’re Ox right?” The man said. “I’m Thomas and this is Elizabeth. We’re Kelly’s parents.” Thomas sounded extremely sad and Elizabeth’s eyes were very teary. “Why don’t you show him.”
“I’m going as fast as I can.” Elizabeth tried to say without crying.
“I’m sorry what is this about?” Ox said, his voice quivering.
Elizabeth pulled a piece of paper out of her bag. It had been folded up so many times and had tear stains on it. She handed it to him.
“Kelly wanted you to have this.” She said, tears spilling over now.
Ox stared at the paper. ‘Dear Ox Matheson’ it said at the top. This was his letter that he wrote to himself.
“We had never heard your name before. But obviously you meant a lot… I mean it’s right there. ‘Dear Ox Matheson’.” Thomas told him, his voice breaking.
“Kelly gave this to you?” Ox looked at them and then to the paper.
“We didn’t know you two were friends. We didn’t think Kelly had any friends.” He swallowed and looked over at Elizabeth. “But you obviously meant so much to him. At least this letter suggests that you and he...it’s addressed to you. He wrote it to you.”
“You think Kelly wrote this to me?” Ox told asked him. His hands were sweaty again.
“These are the words he wanted to share with you.” Elizabeth said. She tried to be so strong.
“His last words.” Thomas nodded.
“I don’t understand.” Ox gripped the paper tighter.
They all looked so sad. Elizabeth was crying now but silently. What did they mean? Ox caught on to what Thomas said. Last words?
“What did you mean last words?” Ox stared at him. He was so uncomfortable now. Elizabeth had her hand to her mouth and was shaking her head. Thomas had a hand on her leg trying to calm her. He was steel.
Thomas cleared his throat but you could tell deep down he was hurting too. Ox knew what was coming but he couldn’t stomach it when it was finally said. Nothing could have prepared him or stopped him from feeling as if it were his fault.
“Kelly...Kelly took his own life.” Thomas said.