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Sabrina had kind eyes, that's all he could really remember, but the rest of her seemed tired, miserable and wanting of more. Her thin hand placed it self on his back as she ran it up and down to try and preserve a sense of calm that was never really there. He knew why she was tired, to have to do this type of thing with multiple kids per week must have been hard on the heart. Especially as she did seem like she truly cared, but then again he knew he had bad judgment on that topic.
His bag trailed behind him, only the essentials, clothes and toiletries. No room for anything of sentimental value, even if he did he wouldn't want it. He managed to keep his gameboy and a few comics, he had decided that was the only company he'd keep from now on. Keeping his head down he stumbled along the cobbled path he counted the pattern of his laces flopping from side to side. He felt empty. If that even counted as feeling. There was a black hole consuming him because every bit of childhood had been forced from him not just once but twice. He thought he'd be crying but he wasn't, he couldn't, he didn't know how to anymore.
As they reached the door Sabrina told him to smile. He did, but it was a broken one. Her hand was removed from his back in an instant in order to pull down her blazer and make herself look more presentable. Like it mattered what she looked like, she wasn't the one being judged here. As the door opened Winn held his breath, he hoped it would be a little old lady that screamed hard candy and daytime soaps or literally anybody who looked like they'd be a fan of Star Wars but instead a stone faced woman answered, her hair appeared to not have left the 70s and her smile was placid.
"Hello Mrs Elroy I'm Sabrina Bello, I'm the care worker for Winslow.'
'Winn' he corrected her in a mumble, he couldn't stand his full name anymore. Sabrina smiled nervously.
'Sorry, I mean this is Winn.' Mrs Elroy didn't look impressed, she stood barricading the door like she was pondering whether to let them in. Winn glanced at her, her eyes were unforgiving and icy, she had already made her judgment about him.
'It's err nice meet you ma'am.' Winn stuttered before holding out a hand like he had been taught to. Surprisingly she took it but the shake was weak signifying her immediate disapproval. Never the less they entered the household. It's exterior was largely wooden, little to no rugs,cushions or any form of comfort, Winn could feel himself sink even further down into himself. His eyes searched for an escape, he considered begging Sabrina to let him leave with her, she'd given him coco, he doubted Mrs Elroy would. They shuffled in further as they were signaled to go up the staircase into a large bedroom. It was rather bare, except for some clothes scattered here and there as well as two other boys enthralled in a game of what he assumed was poker.
'Boys.' She called, both of their heads shot straight up to look at her. 'you have a new temporary roommate' she put extra emphasis on the temporary and signaled at Winn with her hand as if he were just some object. Before the boys had time to make introductions the two adults lead out of the room to discuss the finalization of his placement. He didn't even have Sabrina to hide behind.
"Nice shirt." One of the boys snickered. Winn peered down at his tshirt with the prominent Star Wars logo on the front, he felt self conscious causing his nerves to rile up as his breath began to quicken.
"Leave him alone Ben." The other boy said as he punched Ben in the side. He squirmed a little but Winn could tell he was used to it, despite the snide comment Winn wasn't as frightened of Ben as he was of the other kid. Ben seemed like you average bully but the other boy had some false friendly aura around him.
"Where you from?" Winn didn't answer straight away he could feel himself tripping over his words already.
"Question too hard?" The boys tone seemed to be more confident per the minute.
"I err no... umm... Newark." He stuttered.
"Did you live with your parents there?" Winn only nodded.
"Did they die?" The boy asked bluntly with a twinge of sympathy in his eyes.
"No...." he murmured "my Moms going to be coming back for me in a while... she just wanted a holiday or something I'm sure of it." Both boys laughed simultaneously. Winn didn't know why, it was the truth. He understood things were hard for his mom, he understood, he did, he wasn't a kid, he was 12, he was in middle school, he understood. But she'd be back for him, she had to be back for him.
Ben smirked a little before he asked "what about your dad?"
Winn froze. He was done with these intrusive questions and done with everything, he looked away not being able to cope with the emotions piling up on him. He didn't want to be sad anymore, he didn't want to flinch when ever he heard dad or father. He wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
"Touchy subject I guess." Ben said sarcastically before moving over to his bed in a lack of interest.
"Well anyway let's start again. I'm Michael Davis and my rude friend over there is my younger brother Ben. And you are..?." Winn bit his lip, his eyes darting around the room in a moment of anxiety.
'"Come on it's not that hard a question." Winn held his breath for a moment longer hoping that the boys would just disappear into oblivion and that he'd be left alone. But nothing happened.
'
"W-Winn.... schott." He gulped and his eyes darted to the floor. Ben shuffled from his bed.
"I recognize that name...'"
"You're the kid of that toy killer aren't you?" Michael interrupted in a dumbstruck manner. Winn didn't reply, which cemented his true answer. "You are." A cloud of laughter emitted itself from Michael. The type that made him feel uneasy. It wasn't something to laugh at, people died . "Wow that's going to make you popular at school."
School. He hadn't even thought of school until now. The first day he went back to his school after the incident things were different. It wasn't like he was popular to begin with, he thought it wouldn't really matter, maybe he'd get punched once or twice more but that would be it but instead things were so much worse. Kids he'd never seen in life started calling him names, giving him looks of anger or disgust. Those who bullied him either kicked up their ruthless routines to 100x the amount or left him alone completely in fear that he would seek revenge like his father did, that was worse that any punch any bully could throw. The small amount of friends he did have either abandoned him or acted so timidly around him that they might as well have not been there.
He spent most of the time in the counsellors officer as she tried to calm him down from his ever increasing panic attacks or tried to console him whenever someone would remind him what happened with his dad. Just like a number of adults on his journey Miss Flint was kind to him and didn't want him to pay for his fathers crimes, however as soon as she suggested that he he may have deep psychological trauma and might need medical treatment his mother pulled him out of school. She didn't care that he'd come home from school with a black eye more than once nor did she care that he cried himself to sleep every single night, she would only ever tell him to keep his 'chin up' but as soon as it was suggested that he may not be completely mentally stable, that he may be experiencing things worse than the average child who had a parent sent to prison she didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to help him if it meant accepting he wasn't a so called normal child. She wanted him to be normal, she didn't want him to be a genius or a social outcast, it didn't matter that he was breaking apart or that he had grown 7 years in just one night, all that mattered was how everyone else perceived her. Winn didn't realize this until years later.
He snapped out of his trance
"Please don't say anything." His voice was rushed and broken. Sabrina had told him that the teachers wouldn't be allowed to read out his last name in class to help him keep some anonymity but now he'd made the mistake of letting it slip on his first accounter.
"Can't promise anything my dude." Oh how Winn wanted to punch Michael in the face. No he didn't want to punch Michael, anger in these situations is bad. Instead he drew in a deep breath trying to contain his emotions. Before the conversation could continue the door creeked as Sabrina reentered the room.
'"Hey Winn, settling in ok?" Her voice was less flustered than before entering the house. Perhaps she was worried that he'd be turned away. Winn noted the crinkles in the corner of her eyes and how her nose scrunched up when she smiled. It was a nice smile a genuine one, he hadn't seen it on her before.
"Yeah..." he lied. He couldn't put her through anymore stress and besides if he told the truth and still ended up staying here he knew he'd be hurt more by the Davis brothers than he was now. They were just teasing him so far, not a warm welcome , but he could cope. He had to.
"Well Winn I'm going to go now... If you need me just phone that number I gave you earlier." He bit his lip and nodded carefully, showing he fully understood. But then he remembered something. He felt around in his hoodie pocket and produced an envelope with his writing scrawled on it.
"This is a letter to my mom. Can you send it to her? It's just asking her about when she's coming back and telling her that I hope she feels better soon and stuff." He placed it gently in Sabrina's hand, apprehensively hopeful. Her faced dropped for a moment as she forced herself to smile again. A deep concentration appeared on her features in order to give a satisfactory explanation.
"Winn... I... we don't have your moms address. She's not living in your old house anymore and we don't know how to reach her. I'm sorry." Winn could feel the snickers coming from Ben behind him. He ignored them he understood but didn't understand at the same time. He understood the logistics, that if they didn't have the address they couldn't send the letter but he didn't understand why. Why would his mom not leave the address, make it so hard for Sabrina or for him to find her if she was coming back. It was a stupid thing to do and the thing was is his mom wasn't stupid. It didn't make any sense. Unless she wasn't planning for being gone for too long, she wouldn't have to tell them. That must be it because if that wasn't it then she had just abandoned him here and that wasn't his mom. That couldn't be his mom.
"Oh.....umm ok.." before he could take it back Sabrina had stuffed it in her pocket in a rushed motion.
"It's fine Winn I'll see if I can reach her for you." It was a straight out lie but he wanted to believe it. She bent down so she was on eye level with him and placed a hand on her shoulder. " Ineed to get back to the centre Winn. I hope you do well here. You will do, you're such a smart kid." She sighed before giving him a half smile and moving away. He didn't want her to go. She was kind, she was nice, it didn't seem like anyone else would be to him ever again. He could feel a tear form in the corner of his eye but he wouldn't cry, not in front of all these people.
"Right Winslow." Mrs Elroy commanded. She knew that he preferred Winn. "I've made a tuna salad for dinner, so if you would follow me down." She stopped abruptly and lead out the door. Winn hated tuna and he hated salad. But he guessed if he didn't eat it he'd get in trouble, it wasn't exactly like mrs Elroy was the most approachable nor did she seem like a person who was interested in his personal preferences. Ben pushed him forward to make him move out of the door, it wasn't like he couldn't move on his own. He just assumed that he wanted to hit him a little.
After what Mrs Elroy considered a late dinner Winn and Ben were both sent straight to bed, Michael was a few years older so was allowed to stay up. Despite it not even being 8pm yet Winn was already in bed, it was miserable considering he used stay up until midnight on non school nights helping his dad with his projects. But that was all over now, that would never ever happen again. He wanted to cry. Mrs Elroy also had a daughter she was about 17, blonde, pretty and obviously spoilt. She didn't say anything to Winn the whole time they were there. He thought it could just be nerves, he hadn't talked to her for that exact reason, yet the way she looked at him like he was beneath her made him think otherwise. The whole dinner was awkward and scary and made him uncomfortable sitting up a table with a so called new family whilst both of his parents were still alive made the tuna salad taste worse than he thought.
Ben was asleep within a matter of moments which was surprising considering how much energy he seemed to always have, but Winn he didn't sleep. He didn't sleep when Michael walked in. He didn't sleep when the outside lights turned off. He stayed staring at the dark void that was consuming both the room and himself. When he was sure Michael was asleep he quietly rose from his bed and shuffled to the window. There was a thin layer of grime covering it but nothing that held back his view. The skyline was clear for once he was so used to the pollution and smoke that came from the city that to see the night sky clear produced an eerie unfamiliarity. He stared for a long time, as if the darkness had subdued him and that it was all he knew.
He wished he could be back home. It would be movie night tonight, if he remembered the list correctly they should've been on Back to the future 2. He would have been curled up next to his father under his piles of blankets, hot chocolate in his hands his mom would sit the other side of him with a freshly made batch of popcorn, her hands tousling his hair. They would be sitting enjoying the movie, laughing when they were meant to laugh and he would have awe in his eyes at his new favourite movie. (Every movie was his new favourite movie) Everything would be so normal, like it was supposed to be. There would be no kids bullying him in his bedroom, no tuna salad and no strict adults only sheltering him to be paid. He would be happy and everything would be normal. Why couldn't everything be normal? Why couldn't his dad not have killed all those people? Why couldn't his mom love him? Why didn't she love him? And for the first time since he'd been alone he realized just that, he was alone and his mom wasn't coming back for him. She didn't love him, his dad didn't love him , nobody loved him. He was alone and would always be alone. That's when he broke, despite everything he had kept strong here, he didn't want to show his weakness and yet in that moment he broke. He broke in realizing that he was in care, that he now had to move from stranger to stranger because no way did Mrs Elroy want to keep looking after him.He would never be able to feel comfortable and content again. He just wanted his family back. He wanted his mom and dad back, he wanted his life back. How could this much change in just a space of few months, how could he go from being happy to being lost and alone, not even being able to tell people his full name. How could this happen? He was always polite, he always tried his best at school, he'd never picked on another kid in his life and yet everything still fell apart. How could this happen? Winn pulled himself away from the window the moonlight glistening on his tear stained face. Covering himself up in the cheap duvet that wasn't his, because nothing in this house was, he pressed his face against the pillow. He wanted to go home.The muffled sobs were the music that eventually sent him to sleep that night and for many nights to follow.
But that was then and this is now. He was an adult and could make his own choices he didn't have to listen to Mrs Elroy or be bullied by some kids. He'd left that all behind when he got his scholarship to MIT. He'd left behind that house and every house that followed, those that were so much worse and those that were slightly better. He'd left behind his childhood every single part of it as soon as he could just to relieve him of the pain of it all. He never had a childhood after the age of 11 and he didn't want to remember the one which broke apart beforehand. He'd left that all behind. But now he was breathing, breathing way too fast way too suddenly. His hands were visibly shaking when he forced his coffee down on the table.
'Winn?' James' hand came down on his.
He felt Kara move from the side of him she was looking into the distance trying to match where his eye line was leading. His flight or flight mood kicked in.
'I...I... need to go.' He flung his jacket over his shoulder as Kara loosely grabbed his arm.
'Winn what's wrong?' James asked him more firmly this time.
' I l... I got to go.' He could feel himself hyperventilating now, a pain was forming in his chest.
'Winslow?' A woman's voice. This couldn't be happening this can't be happening.
'Who are you?' Kara asked sternly realizing the fear her friend was in. Her firm grasp on Winn's arm was causing him pain. But the woman didn't reply. He couldn't make a break for it, it was too late. He breathed deeply before whispering
'She's my mom.'