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It was a unspoken rule in the tower that no one talked about their pasts, and no one asked. Nobody had ever said anything about this being a rule, it had never been written down either, but no one ever had to. The team was smart enough to know that asking would lead to doors no one wanted to open, and they all realized that asking was unnecessary. So no one ever did.
Until one day, they had to.
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It was unsurprising really. With everyone’s pasts, it was assumed by SHIELD that they all had some sort of PTSD. Tony with Afghanistan and the Ten Rings. Steve and the ice and the war. Natasha and her past with the Soviet Union. Clint and his non-existent homelife before SHIELD. Thor with Loki and Odin. Bruce with the Hulk and Ross. Steve knew the basics needed to lead the team, but nothing more and nothing less. Everyone else just wanted to let things go and forget.
Unfortunately, that became impossible.
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Tony thought he was getting better. At first with the team moving in, his anxiety was worse. But he soon figured out that he trusted these people, to a point. He figured out that having other people around was helpful sometimes, and other times annoying but that was besides the point. It was nice to have Bruce to bounce ideas off of. It was nice to be able to call Thor or Steve if an extra hand was needed in the shop, because let’s be honest, DUM-E wasn’t super dependable.
On the other hand, sometimes having other people around wasn’t so helpful. Like when Natasha insisted that coffee and food were not the same thing, and that, no Tony, you can’t just live on coffee. Or when Steve would bring food down and sit there until he had eaten at least half. Or when Bruce also told him to wear safety gear in the shop, shoes were totally not necessary when welding.
So sometimes, having the tower to himself was nice. Like when he wasn’t needed on a mission. That was on rare occasions, but they were still nice. He could work in whatever conditions he wanted, promises to Bruce be damned. Coffee is a food group, and no other food groups were not necessary. This all worked out until one day…..
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Tony thought it was a Thursday, but he could have been wrong. He was only maybe 12% sure. He didn’t bother keeping track of the days, JARVIS and/or Pepper told him when he had something important to do, so why should he bother? Also, he had fallen asleep in the shop again, not surprising. Sometimes though, he fell asleep in the shop and ended up in his room the next morning, or whatever eight hours later was. He never mentioned it to the team.
The new model of the Stark watch was supposed to hit the markets in the next couple of months, and R&D was hopeless. Anything he said to fix, always came back worse than before. He told JARVIS to make note of who was making the mistakes so he could figure out how they had been hired. The watch had been the priority while the team was gone. Steve and the assassin twins were out tracking down HYDRA, Thor was off-world, and Bruce was at some conference. Tony was perfectly content to sit and work on actual projects, but also goof off with the suits and DUM-E.
The news was playing softly in the background. The watch was 95% done, as was the newest version of the suit, Mark 43. Everything was going fine until DUM-E picked up that stupid photo of him and dear old dad. And then, on top of that, there were rumors swirling on the news that Steve, or Clint, or Tasha had been hurt, or killed, he wasn’t sure which.
Was it getting hot in here? J was supposed to keep the temp at a steady 70, but maybe something was off. Also, it was getting harder to breathe, which wasn’t unusual when he had the arc reactor, but he hadn’t really had breathing problems since then. He vaguely heard JARVIS saying something, but really couldn’t hear. Tony stumbled toward the couch, after that everything went kind of fuzzy, like he there but also wasn’t. Why was breathing so hard again?
DUM-E was actually the one to snap him out of whatever that was. For a flash second, he thought back to the Mandarin, and the attacks he had during that time. But no, this wasn’t those. Those hadn’t shown up in years, they couldn’t possibly be back. He shook his head to clear the thoughts. “Everything is fine,” was the mantra running through his head. Tony shook it off, got some coffee, and went back to work.
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Several weeks later, the same thing started happening again. This time though? There wasn’t anything that could have triggered it. He was down in the shop, as usual, and the whole team was safe in the tower.
Again, Tony heard JARVIS saying something. Again, he felt it getting unbearably warm when the temperature hadn’t changed. Again, breathing felt like the hardest thing in the world. Also, again, Tony was severely tired, he probably hadn’t slept in at least three days.
But something was also different this time. This time, he thought he heard the shop door open. But that was impossible, only Pep and Rhodey had the override codes and they were both overseas. Tony could still hear the music playing in the background, he thought it might have been AC/DC. Suddenly, Steve was in his face. Like literally, right in front of his face was a wall of Steve. He could see that Steve was talking, couldn’t really hear, or maybe just didn’t want to, he didn’t know. He also didn’t know why he couldn’t talk. He kept trying, but it just wasn’t working.
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Steve was working on some paperwork from the latest mission and was planning on relaxing for the rest of the day, maybe taking his sketchbook out to the roof, when JARVIS started talking.
“Captain Rogers?”
Steve was honestly startled, not expecting to hear the AI. “Yes JARVIS?”
“It appears Sir is in need of assistance, his vital readings are not in alignment with his normal vital signs.” Steve thought the AI sounded rather concerned, and to be honest, he was too.
Steve was already moving before he thought the ask, “JARVIS, where is Tony?”
“Sir is in the shop, as he has been for nearly 96 hours.”
Steve’s mind was whirring at a hundred miles an hour, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. His feelings for Tony were secret and had been so for well over two years. He just hoped and prayed to whatever entity was listening that Tony was okay.
It seemed like years before the elevator opened in front of the shop doors, and even longer before JARVIS opened the shop doors themselves.
When they finally opened, Steve was running in at full speed, expecting blood or possible hostiles but only saw Tony. A Tony who looked like he was panicking and having trouble breathing, but Steve just couldn’t figure out why.
“JARVIS, what’s going on?” Steve was frantic, he wasn’t sure what to do.
“Sir appears to be having a panic attack Captain Rogers. Sir has experienced panic attacks before, after the Battle of New York.”
Okay, panic attacks, Steve could handle this. Sam had dealt with these before and Steve had helped. He could help Tony now. Steve was careful not to touch Tony, not knowing how he’d react. He tried talking first.
“Tony? Tony?! Can you hear me?” Steve asked.
Tony looked up, which Steve thought meant he could hear him, but didn’t seem to be capable of talking. Steve kept talking, but that didn’t seem to help. Eventually, he just thought, “fuck it” and picked Tony up in a hug.
Immediately, he felt the tremors shaking Tony and how cold he was. He thought that maybe a blanket might help, but didn’t see one around. He remembered something about pressure being a good thing to help with panic attacks and just continued with the hug. It didn’t seem to him that Tony was opposed to it, and it would help warm him up so he just continued on.
Eventually the tremors and audible gasping stopped. Steve didn’t notice at first, but did when Tony started to move.
“Tony?” Steve asked tentatively. He wasn’t sure how Tony was going to react, seeing as his usual response to concern or love was to brush it off with smart remarks.
“Steve?” Tony sounded rather groggy, but at least he was talking. “What are you doing?”
Steve started by saying, “JARVIS told me to come down, that your vitals were off. Do you know what happened?”
Tony cut him off after that,”Just a panic attack, I think. No big deal, I’ve dealt with them before. Brushed them off, no muss, no fuss.” And there were the smart remarks Steve was expecting.
“Tony clearly it wasn’t nothing if JARVIS thought it necessary to call me down, and”
“And I’m gonna cut you off there Cap. I’ve got work to do.” He also started berating JARVIS with the typical, “I’m going to reprogram you and give you to a community
college J, you traitor.”
Tony started bustling around the shop again, simultaneously talking to JARVIS. Steve just stayed where he was. He made no move to leave, but also didn’t attempt to start a conversation. However, everytime Tony looked over, Steve was wearing the eyebrows of disappointment. And damn it, if those things weren’t more effective than puppy dog eyes.
“Alright Cap, I know I’m not getting out of this conversation anytime soon, so what do you want to know? Actually, I should say, what do I need to say to get you to leave?” Tony really didn’t want to talk about it, now or ever really, but he knew that it was inevitable now.
The barrage of questions started immediately, “How long have these been going on? Why didn’t I know sooner? What causes your panic attacks? How can I help in the future? Does anyone else know about them?” Steve looked like he had more, but Tony cut him off there.
“Okay okay, I get the point. I should have told someone. They started after the Battle of New York. I think it was mostly because of the wormhole. You didn’t know because I moved back out to Malibu and after the fact I didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t think I really have specific triggers for the panic attacks, they just happen. When they first started happening, it was anything about New York that would trigger them really. I haven’t really had any since then though. I’m hoping there won’t be future attacks, but if there are what you did today seemed to work. I’d stick with that. I think maybe Pepper knew about them, but Rhodey definitely did. He was there when I had the first one. There was a kid I met while trying to figure out the Mandarin, his name is Harley Keener, he knows. That kid helped a lot with that whole mess, he’ll definitely get into any college he wants to, fully paid tuition too. But I digress. Any other questions?”
Steve was staring at him with those goddamn baby blues and perfect pretty face and damn it! He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about Steve like this! Especially not right after a panic attack.
Steve murmured something Tony couldn’t understand, “Can you repeat that Cap? Couldn’t quite hear you.”
“CanIkissyou?” Steve said it so fast that it sounded like one word.
It took Tony a good long while to process that, Steve was starting to freak out and think that Tony was gonna hate him, and that he’d have to move back to SHIELD, and………
Tony’s voice started out in almost a whisper, “My gosh, I thought you’d never ask. I thought I had been imagining it for the longest time.”
Steve was almost scared to ask, but knew he had to, “So, is that a yes?”
Instead of an answer, Tony launched himself into Steve’s arms. They just looked at each other for a minute, before the sparks went flying. When their lips finally met, it was like seeing in color for the first time. Steve thought he went weak in the knees, while Tony was sure he would have collapsed if not for Steve.