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When you remember every single detail of what was once your life, every wrinkle of her face and that brilliant smile, accompanied by those beautiful amber eyes, then the afterlife is not fair at all. Because you know your longing will never be put at ease until she is with you once again. But who would want that for the person they love? Dying…
Unless, of course, it never happens. And so, here you are, bound to the heavens while she is still on earth, reborn once again. Why not you? Why not the both of you? Because they have plans for you. That is what they have told you. Plans you deem cruel.
Because you remember, her smile, her eyes, her love.
And here you are, her guardian angel.
It is right during her first new life when you get send down to earth as her guardian. And it is painful right from the beginning. You watch how the girl you still love so much meets new people, none of them is you. And you have to see how she falls in love once again. Not with you either. But with someone else. You can’t do anything about it, you are not permitted to interfere actively. You are just her guardian angel. And so you watch her grow old, have a family.
Oh, how you wish this could be your family. Because the one the two of you always dreamed about… you were never able to have it.
It is when she is older, near the end of her new life, that the pain of just watching gets too much for you. You want to see her, face to face, talk with her just once. And so you meet her, by coincidence it seems. You talk, you appear young while she has grown old without you. And by the end she gives you her name, with that smile you love so much. Hanamaru, it is. How could you have forgotten?
She gets reborn once again and once again you are her guardian. As you watch her getting older once more, see the same thing happen again, just with other people, you decide that if you are going to be her guardian for no matter how many lives, you at least want to talk with her in each one once. To make sure that she is happy, you try to convince yourself.
You know better. You know it is the result of your longing, your pain.
So here you are, when she is in her twenties. Just like in her first life, the one she was supposed to spend with you – and to your ears it sounds so selfish – she works at a temple. You meet her as a visitor in the early morning when she is sweeping the stairs. Some things never change, you think.
You greet her, pretend to be a tourist interested in this old house of the gods. And you start a conversation again. You try your best to drag it out as long as you can. And by the end, she asks you for your name. “It’s You.”, you say with a genuine smile. Because how can you not smile when she once again gives you her name, with a smile. Hanamaru….
But as you already prepare yourself to leave this time around... she stops you, looking deep in thought. And the words that leave her mouth make your blood run cold, even if you are dead.
“Have we met before?”
It is the third cycle and here you are again, watching over her the best you can because nothing less would do. You’d protect her, even in your afterlife. Just like you did back then, when everything else ended and this began.
But this time you hesitate in seeking her out. Plenty of moments to step into this new life of hers and you don’t take the chance, her question still ringing loud in your ear. If you’ve met before, the both of you. Of course you have, at least from your point of view. But how could she know? There is no way…
The need to confirm it, that it had been just a coincidence last time, overpowers your doubts and fears and you step into her life like you already did twice. As a stranger. You don’t care about the when or where, all that matters is that you can spend some minutes with her. Only one would be enough.
And it plays out the way you are starting to be familiar with. Talking about everything and nothing. It may be nothing for her but for you it is everything you have left of her. You drown in her smile and in her eyes. You know you are staring. You always have been during this. You don’t care. What is the point if it just happens once?
When you leave, you leave your name for her as well. But this time she doesn’t give you hers. You don’t need it either way. You’ll never forget that beautiful melody of her name anyways.
And as you leave, you’re doing so with a smile, missing the gaze she sends your way. And the hint of longing…
The fourth life that you are allowed to witness as her angel… is strange. When you were still alive and together with her she once told you about her lonely childhood without friends and how everything changed when she had met you. You still remember the teary smile she sent your way back then, happy to have you.
And now? You watch her grow up, alone with no friends. You wonder, because to you it seems like she is doing it on purpose, avoiding people and turning them down with a polite smile. Then, when she is young, you notice how she starts a routine. Every week on the same day, during the same time, she would sit there, behind a shrine and watch the sunset over the ocean. There is never anyone else, but it seems she is waiting.
So one day you decide that this would be the one time in this life of hers. Little do you know, because nothing could have prepared you for this moment when she turns around upon hearing you approaching. And there is that smile you’ve longed to see for four lifetimes, the one reserved for you…
“You-chan kept Maru waiting this time, zura.”
Back then you’ve deemed them cruel for making you Hanamaru’s guardian angel. Now you wonder if this has been their plan all along. You couldn’t care less now, though. Because right now, after four lives and four fulfilled duties as an angel, you walk up the path leading behind the shrine. As a living human.
And to you, nothing compares to the sight of the love of your life, your death and your second life standing there with the sunrise in her back. A smile for you, eyes full of love just how you remember.
“You-chan…” It is a knowing whisper as she reaches out with her hand. You don’t hesitate in grabbing it, giving it a light squeeze as you pull her into you for a long awaited embrace.
“I am yours again, Hanamaru-chan….”