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It was just a bad day all around. Waking up was hard. Getting out of bed was harder. Getting ready to start the day and face everyone was the hardest part yet. Steve knew the team would know something was up, usually he was the first one up, usually he went for a run before everyone else was even up. Not today though. Today was one of those days when everything felt like it was too much. But Steve also knew that just staying in bed all day would make it worse. It would mean that all of his thoughts and feelings were right there, including his memories. No, getting up was the better option.
He trudged his way to the elevator to get to the common floor. Tony had designed all of their apartments with kitchens, but no one ever really used them. Most of the time, they liked being around each other. Most of the time being alone was just too much. The doors dinged open and laughter invaded the space. Steve was tempted to turn right back around and go home. Maybe dealing with other people was too much for today. Of course, someone saw him before he could make up his mind.
And of course it was Tony. “Hey Capsicle! Where ya been?”
Steve just shrugged and looked down at his shoes.
Tony looked at Nat, Nat looked at Bruce and they all just knew. Steve would need everyone today. Which meant that no one was leaving. It meant that they weren’t leaving Steve alone at all today. Because SHIELD might have thought he was fine, but they all knew better.
Nat went to get another mug out of the cupboard, while Tony pulled another stool up to the breakfast bar. Bruce offered Steve some eggs and bacon when he came over. Steve ate in silence while the others did “work” on their tablets. They all knew they weren’t actually doing work, but they pretended for Steve’s sake. When he was finished, Steve stuck his dishes in the dishwasher, mumbled a thank you, and headed back to his floor. Tony, Nat, and Bruce stayed in the kitchen, quiet, until JARVIS assured them that Steve was back in his apartment.
“They’ve been getting worse recently.” Natasha said quietly.
“What?” Tony looked confused.
“I think she means days like these, Tony.” Bruce answered.
Natasha looked exasperated, “Of course that’s what I meant! I hate the fact that SHIELD didn’t think to do more than hand him files and get him an apartment. With so much happening at once, they couldn’t have possibly thought he was okay!”
Tony ran his hands down his face, “According to Fury, he passed the psych evals. I don’t doubt that he did either. That man can keep everything bottled up like nobody I’ve ever known. He probably just wanted to get back into the action ASAP. I hate to say this, but maybe he thought he’d die there and not have to worry about living.”
Bruce and Natasha looked slightly shocked by this statement, but with resignation on their faces. They both knew Tony was probably right. All of them knew Steve was depressed. But nobody knew what to do about it. None of them felt they had known Steve long enough to be the one to bring it up. And all the people that had known Steve before were either dead or on the run.
Bruce was the first to speak, but it wasn’t to Tony or Nat, “JARVIS?”
“Yes Dr. Banner?”
“Could you let all of us know if Steve does anything unusual?”
“I will need you to specify what you mean by “unusual” Dr. Banner.”
Tony spoke up first, “J, what he means is if Steve does anything suicidal, will you please let all of us know immediately?”
“I am not sure my programming will allow that sort of monitoring, sir. But should Captain Rogers’ vitals fluxuate in an alarming manner, protocol would allow me to alert everyone immediately.”
Bruce sighed, “If that’s the best you can do JARVIS, then thanks. It’ll have to do.”
“I will continue to monitor Captain Rogers’ vitals accordingly.”
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Steve knew doing paperwork was out of the question for today. Which meant that going into SHIELD today, was also out of the question. He really didn’t know what to do. Usually, he’d be working, but today that just wasn’t going to work. TV was his last resort, other than going back down to the common floor. Steve plunked down on the couch, not planning on moving for the rest of the day.
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For some reason, Tony was the only one left in the tower. Apparently Phil and Clint couldn’t handle whatever mission they were on. Originally they had requested Steve but Nat said that was out of the question. So she went.
Bruce, Tony wasn’t sure about. Maybe something went wrong and he needed to take a walk. Maybe he got called to SHIELD. Maybe he had a girlfriend again. Tony didn’t know. All he knew was that none of them were supposed to leave, and yet, he was the only one that had followed the rule. Go figure.
It wasn’t like he needed other people around, he was perfectly fine working on his own. Bruce was always going on and on about lab safety, while Nat and Steve always tried to convince him that coffee was not the only food group that mattered, and for that matter, that coffee was not a food group. Whatever.
Tony was working on the newest arc reactor for the tower when JARVIS called.
“Sir?”
“Yeah J! What’s up?”
“Sir, it appears that Captain Rogers is in distress.”
Tony was already running towards the elevator, “JARVIS, I need all the details you can give me. Get me to Steve STAT!”
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Steve really hadn’t meant to fall asleep, he really hadn’t. Especially not on a day like today. Days like this always brought back memories, and nice memories or not, they weren’t welcome. On days like this? Memories of before the ice always made Steve cry. So he really tried not to remember. It didn’t matter if the memories were good ones or not, they were always reminders of people Steve was never gonna see again.
So, when he woke up from dream after dream after dream of his mom and the Howlies, of course he started crying. It wasn’t just crying either. No, this time it was full on sobbing. The kind of sobbing where it seemed never ending. Eventually it had gone on so long, Steve felt like he couldn’t breath. And if Steve felt like that, then he probably actually couldn’t. This feeling sparked memories of Bucky and his ma, and all the times they had been there through the asthma attacks. Those memories only made him cry harder, which made the breathing problem worse.
The elevator opening usually wasn’t a big deal, but Steve didn’t want the team to see him like this. He tried to tell whoever it was to go away, but just couldn’t get the words out. He didn’t have the strength to look and see who it was. He just knew that the team couldn’t see him like this, they’d never want him as their leader again.
Suddenly Tony was right next to the couch. Steve thought he was talking, but really couldn’t hear.
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Tony was in fact talking. He was trying his best to calm Steve down, but wasn’t sure that he could hear him.
“Steve? Steve? Can you hear me? Steve? Please answer me?”
Again, no response, just gasps and more sobs. Tony knew all the gasping and wheezing he was hearing wasn’t good. It sounded similar to a panic attack and Tony fucking prayed that it wasn’t a panic attack.
“Steve? I need you to breathe for me, okay Cap? You hear me? I need you to breathe. I’m gonna breathe with you. Ready? In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.”
Tony continued trying to get Steve to breathe with him, but to no avail. Steve just kept gasping and wheezing and sobbing. There seemed to be no end in sight.
Finally, Tony just thought, “Fuck it,” and hugged Steve as best he could. Considering Steve was slightly taller, and much more muscular, it was harder than he expected. Tony continued breathing deeply, hoping that with the closer contact, Steve would start breathing easier.
After a while, it started working. It took a few minutes, but Tony could tell Steve was actually breathing. The sobs were still pretty bad, but at least he was breathing.
Tony tried talking again, “Steve? Can you hear me?”
The sobs were beginning to slow down too. Steve hiccupped and nodded.
“Can you talk to me?”
Another hiccup, a sob or two, and then finally, “Y-yes.”
“Can you tell me what this is about?”
Steve stayed quiet for a moment or two before stuttering out a response, “B-b-bad d-day. And dre-ams. A-a-and me-mories.”
Tony was speechless for all of two seconds before he asked another question, “Can you tell me about the dreams and memories?”
Steve tried to sit up, so Tony sat up with him, still keeping him tucked into a hug as best he could.
“About before.”
“Were they bad dreams and memories from before?”
“No! They were so good. Felt like I was back.”
Tony thought it was probably a stupid question, but he was acting like a therapist so, “Back where?”
Steve hiccupped again before he whispered something Tony couldn’t hear.
“Can you repeat that?”
Louder this time, Steve said, “Where I belong.”
That really had Tony speechless. Did Steve not think he belonged here? Yes, it was a surprise finding him. Yes, SHIELD had brushed him off and said he was fine. But Tony thought he and the team were enough to convince Steve that he was at least needed. But maybe not.
“Steve? Do you not feel like you belong here? With me? With the team?”
There was a sniffle before the response, “Everyone here would have gotten along just fine before SHIELD found me. Nobody here needs me. I don’t belong here. Nobody even wants me here. I’m more trouble than I’m worth.”
Tony grabbed Steve’s chin and made Steve look him in the eyes, “Steven Grant Rogers! You listen to me. Everybody here wants you to be here. I don’t ever want you to say that again! I want you! The team needs you. SHIELD may not like to admit it, but they need you too. And I can tell you right now, if your mother heard you talking like this, she’d slap you silly.”
“Don’t believe you.”
“Steve! What do I have to do to convince you?” And then Tony thought, “Well, already here, might as well tell him.”
There was no answer from Steve.
Tony practically whispered his next words, maybe hoping that Steve wouldn’t hear them, “Isn’t enough that I love you? That I need you?”
Of course, Steve heard him. And of course, he sat straight up. His response came in a whisper, loud enough that Tony could hear, “What?”
Tony was on the verge of crying, “Steve, I love you. I need you here. I want you here.” He didn’t know what else to say.
Steve didn’t think words were necessary, he leaned forward and kissed Tony. Which Tony was definitely not expecting. But, he wasn’t complaining either.
If they could have read each other’s minds at that moment, there would have been mirrored thoughts. Because they were thinking the same thing. “Is this what love feels like?”
When they broke apart, Steve was crying again, and Tony was thinking about joining him. Tony pulled Steve back into his arms, partially because Steve was crying again, but partially to hide his tears.
“Steve, I don’t want you to ever think you don’t belong here or aren’t needed here or,or anything of the sort ever again. I love you. I need you. Isn’t that enough? Also, can I call you sweetheart?”
Steve was still crying, but the tears were different from before, “Of course that’s enough. I love you too. Yes you can call me sweetheart." A pause, and then, "Can I call you doll?”
“Sweetheart, you can call me whatever you want. I’m yours, head over heels in love with you, for as long as you want.”