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August 2009, Liverpool, England
Xabi is silent as he brings his cellphone to his ear; the other side of the line is quiet as well. "Steven?" he asks eventually, when he realizes Steven isn't going to speak first.
"Xabi."
His heart twitches a little hearing Steven's voice. "Hey. What's up?" he asks, hoping his voice doesn't come through as cracked as he thinks it is, because he has never told Steven he loved him and he isn't about to do it now.
"You promised," Steven says quietly.
"I know," Xabi answers, and he closes his eyes in pain and an apology that Steven will never see.
"You promised you wouldn't leave Liverpool."
August 2004, San Sebastián, Spain
"You sure are brave, Xabi. I wouldn't have been able to do this," Mikel tells him with a smile plastered on his face a couple hours before Xabi leaves for the airport.
As he takes his seat on the plane he doesn't feel brave. No. He feels like he is again that scared fifteen years old leaving his parents to go to Ireland for a student exchange program. He is scared of the unknown, of the new place he is going to and he wonders how he is going to be accepted in Liverpool.
It turns out there isn't a reason to be worried. The players and the staff welcome him as a family, and it seems like Rafa is approving of his performance already in his first match.
His new captain—Steven Gerrard—pats his shoulder at the end of the match as they make their way off the field. "Well done," he says.
The sad smile Steven directs at him is something Xabi never forgets. The fact they lost the match—that he does forget with time.
October 2004, London, England
Liverpool 4–2 Fulham
Stevie isn't on the field when Xabi scores his first goal for Liverpool. Xabi looks up, searching for him silently for a while before remembering he isn't there, and by then he is already surrounded by his teammates, lost in a sea of hugs and congratulations. He can imagine his family watching from Home—from Spain—and they are happy for him.
And he is happy.
November 2004, Liverpool, England
A cacophony greets Xabi as he walks into the dressing rooms. From the smiles and the clapping he understands they are singing for him.
Carra walks over and pats his shoulder. Luis García sends him a smile and yells "Happy birthday" above everyone's heads. Steven Gerrard approaches and hugs him.
Xabi smiles.
January 2005, Liverpool, England
Chelsea 1–0 Liverpool
"I'm going to kill Lampard! I swear I'm gonna kill him!" is the first thing to come out of Stevie's mouth as he barges into Xabi's home.
"Steven, calm down," he says, limping after him towards the living room.
Steven looks at Xabi's leg, his eyes fuming, and Xabi thinks it's funny that he is the one reassuring Steven. "What the fuck was he thinking?" Steven continues, flailing his hands in anger.
"Steven, it's alright."
It's not really alright.
Steven drops down on Xabi's couch and a hopeless expression spreads over his face. Xabi wonders what he is thinking; why does Steven look so affected.
He limps over and sits next to Steven. "Is everything okay, Steven?" he asks, gently laying his hand on Steven's shoulder.
And Steven shakes his head, seeming lost and confused. "I'm not— I'm— " He stands up suddenly. "I have to go. Alex is waiting at home."
Xabi remains sitting, confused, staring after Steven as he leaves. None of them mention that day ever again.
May 2005, Istanbul, Turkey
Liverpool (3) 3–3 (2) Milan
Bliss. Insensitivity. Joy. Confusion. Disbelief. Realization.
Red. It's all red.
Xabi can hardly understand what is happening around him. He hugs his teammates, he screams with joy, he cries from the excitement.
It's all red.
He knows at some point he hugs Steven—or maybe Steven hugs him—but everything is swallowed by the tumult of the victory.
And suddenly Steven's lips are inches from his, and he is laughing and happy and Xabi reminds himself that no, he shouldn't do it. But Steven leans forwards, and Xabi tries to back away but ends up closing the gap between them and kissing Steven, there in the middle of the sea of red. It isn't long, hardly a real kiss. Less than a second. But it's a whole world—an eternity—for Xabi.
He did it. They did it. It's all he can think about.
He doesn't know if he thinks about winning the Champions or kissing Steven.
August 2006, Liverpool, England
The realization that he is in love with Steven Gerrard dawns on him only a year—over a year—after Istanbul. Xabi isn't sure when it happened—probably back then when Steven smiled sadly before walking into the dressing rooms two years ago—and he doesn't know why it's suddenly so clear, but it hurts.
It hurts because He loves Nagore, and Steven loves Alex. It hurts because Xabi thinks, 'maybe in another life'. It hurts because Xabi knows it'll never work out.
He comes back to England after spending a couple weeks in Spain, and he calls Steven. Before going home and dropping his stuff, he calls Steven.
Steven sounds happy answering the phone. He invites Xabi over, and Xabi can't not go—can't say no to Steven—so he goes to Steven's before even stopping by his own place.
Steven hugs him, wraps his arms tight around Xabi for a few short moments before letting go. "Come on in," he says. When they are sitting in the living room, he says, "It's good to see you."
Xabi smiles. "Good to be home."
Liverpool. Steven.
Home.
June 2007, Buckinghamshire, England
Xabi attends Steven's wedding, even though it hurts and all he wants is to stay home and be alone. Lilly is supposed to sit with her grandmother, but she cries and demands so sit with "Uncle Xabi."
So Xabi holds Steven's oldest, and she happily talks about Steven's wedding. And Xabi tries to convince himself he is truly happy, and maybe he succeeds.
"I do," Steven says, staring lovingly into Alex's eyes.
Xabi flinches. He can't convince himself he is happy.
March 2008, Liverpool, England
The baby in his hands is the most perfect thing in the world. He can open his eyes, now, and Xabi thinks they are the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He caresses Jon's chubby cheeks with his thumb, marveling at the wonder he's created.
"He's amazing," Steven says.
Xabi smiles at him. He lets Steven hold his son, and Steven rocks him and looks at him as if he was his own. He tears his eyes from the baby in his arms and looks at Xabi with a gentle smile that Xabi has never seen before. "He's beautiful." And then, in a voice so quiet Xabi thinks he is imagining it, he adds, "Like you." But then a spark appears in Steven's eyes and Xabi knows he isn't imagining.
He smiles back.
June 2008, Liverpool, England
"You'll stay, right?"
Xabi looks at Steven, at his painful look. He nods. "Always. Liverpool is home, no?"
Steven nods and smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Yeah. Home."
And Xabi thinks, 'You are home.'
April 2009, Kingston upon Hull, England
Hull City 1–3 Liverpool
He scores his last goal for Liverpool on April 25, and though nothing is sure about his possible transfer, he can feel it's the last.
When he teammates hug him he knows they feel it too.
Steven's hug after the match, when he shows up to congratulate them for the win, says the most, probably. Xabi hugs him back, tightly, and when their eyes meet they both know .
May 2009, Liverpool, England
Liverpool 3–1 Tottenham
He doesn't know it that day, but it's the last time he is playing for Liverpool, the last time he walks out to the field to the fans he loves and the field he knows. It the last time the words "You'll Never Walk Alone" are sang, directed among all other towards him.
If he'd known, he'd probably try to remember every small detail, but a few years later all he remembers from that day is the joy of seeing Steven getting on the field to play the last few minutes of the match.
July 2009, San Sebastián, Spain
Nagore is gorgeous in her white wedding dress, and little Jon makes Xabi laugh as he follows her around all day in his tiny tux.
He's invited Steven to his wedding, but he never expected him to come, and he didn't. It was an unspoken agreement, and maybe Xabi is relieved Steven isn't there; relieved he doesn't see Steven in front of his eyes as he says his vows, ties himself up with Nagore forever.
Till death does them apart.
August 2009, Liverpool, England
"You promised you wouldn't leave Liverpool."
He did promise. He remembers. Xabi remains silent. So is Steven. And the silence goes on.
Eventually, he doesn't know how long it's been, he says, "I am sorry, Steven."
'I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave. I'm sorry, there's no future for me here. I'm sorry.'
Steven lets out a sound that is halfway between laughing and sobbing. "Why don't you call me 'Stevie' just once, Xabs? Like everyone else."
"Everyone calls you that," he says. He doesn't say, 'I don't want to be like everybody. I want you to notice I am special. I want you to realize you are special. I love you.'
Silence, again, and then, "I love you, Xabi."
Xabi closes his eyes, and now the tears are streaming down his face. "It's just a little too late," he whispers. It's too late because he is leaving, and he cries because they missed their chance.
"I know."