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Truthfully, Neil didn't know what the hell he was doing at this party.
He'd accepted Matt's suggestion to go the party solely because it was at Professor McNamara's place close to campus, and because he hated Professor McNamara with a fiery passion.
(The asshole fucked over his students like it upped his paycheck and didn't even bother teaching. His tenure was the only thing keeping him on the job - or at least, that was Allison's theory).
Most of the Foxes, except for Aaron and Renee, had McNamara at some point. So they'd agreed enthusiastically, perhaps too enthusiastically, when Jake McNamara, Professor McNamara's son, had invited them to join his party.
The Foxes, a shared vendetta, alcohol, and an open opportunity were never a good mix.
(Matt had said gleefully to Neil, "Let's go over and destroy the place.)
The party itself was fine, Neil guessed. It just didn't appeal to him. Music vibrated underneath stomping feet, and the entire house was decked out in neon purple lights. Trays and collections of alcohol lined the dining room table, where students Neil didn't recognize were currently drinking like they were soldiers in the Civil War and a doctor was about to amputate their limbs.
Andrew stood as still as a rock next to Neil. The two of them were wedged against the wall, letting others rampage through the house. They'd lost sight of the other Foxes, who probably had made the way to the basement where the real action was.
"This was a terrible idea. I don't know why I thought you would have some sense," Andrew said, his breath tickling Neil's ear, as they watched a boy their age smash an empty beer bottle against the wall.
"We can find another place to explore?" Neil suggested sheepishly. Andrew just stared at him blankly, nursing the drink in his red solo cup. "I heard there's a basement."
"And what?"
"Maybe a pool table. I think Nicky and Aaron are there already."
Andrew paused, glaring at him, before wordlessly grabbing Neil by the wrist and dragging him away.
It was chaos all the way down. On their way to the bottom of the decked-out stairs, some kid barreled past them and flung their bodies onto said pool table. It effectively cracked in half under his weight, sending him to the ground in a pile of green wooden splinters.
"Jesus," Neil muttered under his breath while Andrew silently led him away from the stairs and toward the less crowded walls.
"Regretting this now?"
Rolling his eyes and biting back a soft laugh, Neil took Andrew's cup from his hands and took a sip. It was the cheap kind of beer that you could get twelve-packs of at convenience stores for under twenty dollars, and it was tolerable at most. Neil let Andrew have his drink back.
They were going to be here for the night, at least until someone tried busting the party up. Nicky and Aaron were riding with them back to campus, and both of them seemed to be enjoying themselves. Aaron with Katelyn and some of their pre-med friends, Nicky getting trashed with the guy that had broken the pool table.
Only five minutes passed before Neil decided he hated the basement. He glanced at Andrew, who was playing some game on his phone out of boredom. "Do you want to find somewhere else?"
Andrew finished the round before turning off his phone and slipping it back into his pocket. Wordlessly, he led Neil back up the stairs. On the way up, they ran into a breathless Matt and Allison, the latter carrying a bottle of half-finished vodka.
"I stole this from Kevin!" she yelled over the music when she noticed Neil looking.
"Also, someone took a shit on his computer!" Matt added. Neil wrinkled his nose while Andrew turned his head toward the ceiling like he was cursing the heavens.
"Why would they even - "
"I don't fuckin' know. This is the wildest party I've ever been to. Speaking of wild, I need to find Dan." Matt ruffled Neil's hair as he passed by, while Allison somehow managed to gracefully descend the rest of the stairs despite being wasted.
Andrew led Neil up the rest of the stairs. The two of them skirted around the main living room, making their way through the hallways leading into the other rooms.
The music faded into a dull pulse the farther they got down the hall. Neil pushed open a door tentatively, hoping that they accidentally wouldn't stumble upon another couple making out or having sex on the bed.
Luckily, the bedroom was empty. Neil stepped inside, taking a deep breath and sitting down on the bed. Andrew followed him, leaving the door just slightly open.
"Unfortunately, it seems that Nicky is enjoying himself here, so we can't go home early," Andrew deadpanned, standing in front of Neil. A warm, fluttering sensation spread across the center of his chest at Andrew's words.
Home.
Andrew said it so casually, but between the two of them, they both knew it meant so much more.
Something too open must've shown on his face, because Andrew muttered, "Stop looking at me like that," before cupping Neil's face and leaning down for a kiss. Neil was more than happy to let his eyes flutter shut and sink into Andrew's touch, a peaceful respite from the craziness of the party.
"You think the police are going to come soon?" Neil mumbled against Andrew's lips. He barely suppressed a shiver at the mention of police. He was safe now, but any interaction with police still left his skin crawling.
"Definitely." Andrew's fingers ran through Neil's hair, before settling on the back of his neck. Soothing and heavy.
"Mm. Waste of our time."
"It was your idea to come here."
"I hate Professor McNamara."
"As do I." Andrew paused, his thumbs rubbing slow circles against Neil's cheeks. He shivered slightly when Andrew's calloused fingertips ran over his rough scars. "But I hate you too."
"What's my percentage now?"
A short pause. Then a soft, "156%."
"Logically and mathematically impossible," Neil concluded, before Andrew shut him up with another fiery kiss.
"Stupid math major," Andrew murmured, before letting go after nearly a minute, leaving Neil dizzy and breathless. He walked up to the different drawers and desks, hazel eyes skimming over them.
Neil closed his eyes and counted to ten, waiting until he felt settled back into reality. By the time he opened them again, he noticed Andrew had paused in his movements and was instead staring at a couple of pictures sitting on the desk. They were framed antiques, pictures in black-and-white of a young Professor McNamara and his mother. Neil didn't care, but he did feel curious about the way Andrew was staring at the photos, hard.
"Something wrong?" he asked quietly.
"No." Andrew glanced over his shoulder at Neil, and anyone else wouldn't have noticed the odd tightness in his expression just then. Before Neil could say anything else, the door was slammed open by Matt.
"There you are, thank God," he gasped, face reddened from either alcohol or sprinting through the house to find them, or a combination of both. "Dude. The police are here. We gotta go."
"Where are the others?" Neil asked, getting up from his place on the bed.
"I think Kevin tried to jump the fence."
"Oh, God."
"Yeah. Come on!" Matt grabbed Neil's wrist and began to drag him away, but Neil planted his feet and waited until Andrew was right behind him before leaving. The three of them escaped through the back door as other drunken, crazed college students ran. Matt took them in the direction Kevin had gone.
As expected, they were greeted with the sight of a wasted Kevin sprawled on the sidewalk, along with Dan and Allison sitting on the curb, both supported by a pleasantly smiling Renee.
"Are we all here?" Renee asked as Matt leaned over and tried to haul Kevin to his feet, successfully getting up only half way before Kevin's dead-weight sent them both crashing to the ground.
"Aaron's riding with Katelyn," Nicky slurred, flopping his hand in Andrew's general direction. "And I'm ridin' no one."
"Nicky!" Allison shrieked.
"Okay, let's go home, guys." Renee nudged her in the side lightly, before shoving both girls into the backseat of Matt's truck. "Matt?"
"Yeah, coming," Matt grunted. Neil sighed and helped Matt lift Kevin, depositing the human bottle of vodka in the backseat of the Maserati. Gratefully, Matt grinned at him, before squeezing his shoulder. "I'll see you guys later."
"See you." Neil made sure Nicky had hopped in and had buckled his seatbelt before slamming the door shut and settling down in the passenger seat. Andrew peeled away from the curb so fast Neil was nearly knocked into the window, slamming on the gas pedal all the way home.
--
Once Nicky and Kevin were finally situated and Andrew had made sure Aaron made it back safely, they were left alone in the dorm (since Nicky and Kevin slept like the dead when they were drunk). Andrew toyed with something in his jacket as he sat down in his beanbag, staring into space.
Neil gazed at him, before crossing the room to stand in front of him. "I'm taking a shower," he said, a silent question. Andrew paused, before shaking his head. Neil accepted his answer without question, grabbing a pair of sweats and Andrew's hoodie before heading to the bathroom. He showered quickly, brushing his teeth and washing his face as well.
Andrew's hoodie covered him completely, though it slipped down to reveal his collarbones and shoulder. It smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, surrounding Neil with such warmth and familiarity that he couldn't help but smile.
He found Andrew in their bedroom, changed into a simple black sweater and pants. He sat with his back pressed to the bedroom wall, holding something square in his hands and staring at it intently. When Neil got closer, he recognized that it was a framed photograph.
"That one of ours?" He sat on the edge of the bed, watching Andrew carefully. That odd tightness was back, like a screw turned one too many times, a Band-aid stretched over a too-large fracture.
Andrew blinked slowly, looking up at Neil's voice. His hazel eyes were shadowed in the dimness of the bedroom, gold turned to dusk. After a short silence, he said lowly, "That's my hoodie."
Neil glanced down at himself, before shrugging. The fabric slid off his shoulder even more from the movement. "Problem?"
"Nicky won't let you hear the end of it."
"Nicky will be sporting a massive hangover in the morning," Neil amended. He gestured toward the photograph again. "What's that?"
Andrew's eyebrows twitched as he tapped his fingers against the frame. A minute of silence passed between them, but Neil didn't press on. It wasn't like this was an urgent matter, and he was already beginning to feel a bit drowsy from a night out.
He was ready to drop the question when Andrew finally answered.
Or rather, he unceremoniously shoved the photo into Neil's hands and slumped against the wall, staring into the distance again. Neil blinked in delayed surprise, lifting the picture up so he could see it in better light.
It was the same picture from Professor McNamara's bedroom, the antique photo of him smiling with his mother. Her arms were wrapped around his shoulders, her smile bright and genuine. He was grinning boyishly, his eyes shielded by the reflection of the camera flash in his glasses.
Slowly, Neil set the photo aside to look at Andrew. Something twisted in his chest at the distant glaze in Andrew's normally sharp, present eyes.
"What's - did you take this?" Neil kept his voice quiet and soft. The usual emotionless mask was still there, but Neil could see the small cracks in it. Vulnerability shone through like starlight, dim and flickering under city smog and loneliness too great for a heart. It was so unlike Andrew that Neil felt unsettled himself; but maybe it was just because he'd never seen this side of Andrew before.
He blinked slowly at Neil's question, as if startled out of a reverie. His eyes fell to the photo lying face-up on the sheets, and his lips twisted solemnly, almost angrily.
"I did," he said.
Grappling for the right words to say, Neil wrung his hands. "Why?"
"Old habit," Andrew replied after a long pause. Confusion settled over Neil's chest, draping over his shoulders like a wet blanket. He didn't really understand - he wasn't sure if wanted to understand.
"I used to go to these parties," Andrew continued after another minute, concentrated on the photo as his eyebrows furrowed ever-so-slightly. He spoke slowly, like it tired him to even open his mouth. "It was more of an excuse to leave the house than anything. I would go into their bedrooms to avoid the rest of the people, and I would see their photos."
He paused, before reaching out and turning the photo over. "They always looked happy. I didn't understand why. I didn't know how that was possible. But I took the photos anyways, to remind myself of what - it was supposed to be like."
Something heavy seized - no - fell onto Neil. His fists clenched around the sheets until his knuckles turned white. Maybe it was anger, maybe it was pain. Maybe it was a resolution to tear the world apart, inch by inch, and hunt down every last person who had ever let Andrew down. It ached endlessly like a hollow fire within his ribcage, burning where Andrew was already empty.
The silence that stretched between them was tense, vibrating strings of unwanted memories and what-ifs. Neil forced himself to count to ten, waiting until he could regain some semblance of control, until his anger dulled. Then he crawled over to Andrew's place against the wall, sitting down in front of him and pushing the stupid photo away.
"Hey," he murmured. "'Drew, look at me."
Andrew's eyes settled on him, and the distant look faded a little. Taking a deep breath, Neil lifted both hands, hovering them above both of Andrew's cheeks. He waited until Andrew said, "Yes," before moving.
"You don't need that anymore," Neil whispered, staring into Andrew's eyes. Even in the darkness, he could make out the quiet chaos in Andrew's irises. Latent anger, a tiger crawling through undergrowth. Emptiness, a trap set, barbed wire. Darkness, understandable like a second shadow, a half-formed ghost.
Silent fire, nothing but an ember waiting to burst into flame, nothing but everything - a slow-burning fight. A war trench, a battle field, a soldier stood against the world.
Andrew.
When he didn't reply, Neil carded his fingers through Andrew's hair and brought him closer. "I'm here," he murmured. "I'm staying. You're home."
He sealed his words with a heavy kiss, hoping that Andrew could hear all the words he left unspoken against his lips.
Neil made sure to put the photo away, slipping it into his duffel bag. He'd figure out what to do with it later. By the time he slipped back in bed, Andrew was staring at him with half-lidded eyes. He didn't try to talk to him; they'd exchanged more than enough for the night already. Instead, he just tugged the blanket over their shoulders, lying so that he faced Andrew.
Tentatively, he reached out with his hand. Andrew's eyes followed his movements, but eventually he nodded, and Neil cupped his cheek.
"You're home now," he whispered again, a final thought. A truth.
Andrew closed his eyes slowly, saying nothing else. Neil didn't remove his hand, shifting forward so their foreheads almost touched. For a moment their breaths were the only noise in the room, soft puffs like snow drifting down frozen river banks.
Then Andrew whispered, so softly Neil wasn't sure if he was supposed to even hear it.
"I know."