Work Text:
While it was perhaps normal for a person from a conservative background to feel the natural emotions of shame, embarrassment, or even guilt after a sexual encounter, Eli was stunned that he should have it now after all of his run ins with acquaintances on his home world and a couple peers on Myomar. Lying awake, staring up at the bland ceiling of his room, Eli tossed the emotions back and forth between reasoning after reasoning, attempting to find the source through process of elimination. So far, he had narrowed it down to three possible candidates; the first was the fact that if they were caught, the empire would show a rather big stick to thwart them both, ending in court martial and pariah; the second was his parent’s expectancy for his life choices and outcomes, and the possible disownment because of his preference of partner; the last, and most damning of them all, was the fact that eli had never been with a non-human before.
He had never touched another sentient that way. He had never even thought of them that way. He was on a world where he was told all his life that you stuck to your kind, and was appropriately shown that standard through the holonet and holodramas. Eli was walking on a road that wasn’t even paved, and he felt like he was flailing in the vast void, unsure what to do or how to handle the situation.
Why was he feeling this shame for being with Thrawn? Thrawn was…there was nothing wrong with him, other than perhaps his controlling and manipulating nature. But he was respectful, courteous, and confident in their chances. Eli couldn’t ask for more in a partner, and was absolutely content in the afterglow earlier in the evening. But somehow, once he was alone in his room, it suddenly dawned on him that he had serviced an alien. A Chiss, of all aliens. The legend itself, a being of most mysterious origin and description, suddenly made very real as Eli swallowed down his seed.
He didn’t want to admit his guilt; regretting would be an admittance that he was bothered by Thrawn’s species, and that was completely unfair to Thrawn. Thrawn could not help what he was, and nor should he receive such attitude from the one person who had been on his side for so long.
Eli was suddenly ashamed of himself for a whole new reason, and knew in his heart that it was the truth. How else could he explain it? He had done similar acts before with peers in spaceports and alleyways behind bars of questionable reputation. He had felt rebellious and content as they took control and called him pretty, praised his speed and ability with silence. He felt no shame then, even when called a whore by one (though that was because he had bit down on the thing in his mouth immediately and made his point clear that he did not like that word).
But suddenly he was with an older, more mature being who was Chiss, and now he was an embarrassed preteen who accidentally found his father’s holoporn under the bed.
Eli rolled over to look at the chrono. It was barely after 02:00. Eli wanted to scream. Instead, he decided to resolve his mind immediately. He felt he had a choice: either he could lay and bed and wonder and question about it, or he could do something about it and get some sleep. Yes, he was not going to let this take over. He had made up his mind to be happy if he could, and feeling despicable with himself was not a part of that vision. And Thrawn…
Eli paused, his hand hovering over the controls of his door.
Thrawn would…well, he would prefer honesty, that was true. But there came a moment in everyone’s life where ignorance was bliss. What if that was Thrawn’s moment? Perhaps Eli should just close his eyes and pretend that the feeling isn’t there, that it’s all in his head and that telling Thrawn would just hurt him. What does he expect, Thrawn will be happy to know and say, “that’s alright, I was having the same problem with being with a human!”? Somehow Eli doubted that would play out well.
“But if I don’t get this out of my head…” Eli thought, “It’ll never leave me alone.”
He pressed his finger to the console and left his room. The apartment was dark, which was to be expected. What he did not expect was a light to be visible in the top and bottom door space of Thrawn’s bedroom. Eli’s eyes widened. How was Thrawn still up? He said he would be a while but…
The sudden thought of catching Thrawn awake made his mission suddenly become all too real, and Eli bolted back to his room, slamming his fist on the lock as he passed the threshold. In seconds, he was under the covers and staring at the refresher door blankly, his heart racing and trying desperately to catch up with what he nearly had done.
“It wouldn’t help.” Eli whispered to himself. “It wouldn’t…”
“You seem distracted.”
Eli looked up from his meal to the ensign who sat across from him during midday mess. She was the ensign who had offered her assistance the day before, insisting that he could come to her for help with anything. It was a shame Eli knew he couldn’t with this.
“I’m fine,” he lied.
“You don’t look fine,” she said, waving her fork to his tray. “You haven’t touched your unidentified-but-still-healthy-purple-goo.”
“As if I normally would be jumping over the counter for this stuff…”
“Supposedly it’s a Meiloorun mash.” Another fellow ensign grumbled with a distrusting eye at the forkful he held up. He sat to the left of Eli, and had no conception of personal space when eating, occasionally catching elbows with the left-handed Eli.
“Concentrated and blended with vitamins and stims, yeah, yeah, I heard this lecture, so stop your complaining,” the what’s-her-name ensign jabbed back. The other unnamed officer with poor table manners jerked with a cry, before clutching his calf.
“No need to kick me for it!”
“Ugh, toughen up, Pitt.” She waved a dismissing hand in his general direction. “You’d think with an unfortunate last name like that, you’d have thicker skin by now.”
Eli smiled. Not at the joke, but at the name mentioned. With people being friendly for the first time in a while, he had almost forgotten when he was introduced to someone, he also had to remember their names. Now if only someone could give him a hint about her name.
“Shut it! You don’t give Green Vanto any lip!”
“That’s because he doesn’t say poodoo like you do.” She gave Eli a wink as she said this, and a friendly smile that was a little too much on the edge for Eli not to notice. He adverted his eyes and swallowed down the mash without tasting it.
“Ensign Vanto.”
Eli turned around to see thrawn standing behind him. Eli felt a mixture of dread and relief at seeing the reason for his internal struggle.
Thrawn had taken time from his lunch period to report directly with the Captain about weapon’s functionality and capability. Eli knew that in the legends that Chiss weapons and technology far surpassed even that of the Old Republic hundreds of years ago, so no doubt he would be giving suggestions on what could be improved.
“Sir,” Eli replied.
“I require your assistance.”
That was all the excuse Eli needed to escape. He was quick to follow Thrawn around the corner of the mess threshold and down the corridor. To his surprise, he was led to the storage bays.
“Sir?” Eli asked, as Thrawn stopped in front of one of them, keying in the code. Thrawn didn’t reply as he entered, and Eli naturally followed.
The storeroom was as Eli thought it to be. Dark, roomy, and deserted. For a split second, his mind raced towards all the things that could be done in such a place between him and Thrawn, and none of them proper behavior. He flushed red and forced himself to stay in the present.
Thrawn strolled directly towards a crate and released the lock to display the items inside to Eli, who gasped.
“Are those…”
“Clone Wars weapons.” Thrawn finished, reaching into the crate. “Or what was at one time…”
“How did you get that?” Eli asked, eying a collector’s dream blaster that was sticking out from the various parts.
“from a junk trader on a night out.”
“At the academy?”
“Yes. I have been studying it’s components and have thought of…” here he said a word in Sy Bisti.
“Refurbishing.” Eli supplied. “With what money, Thrawn?”
“With my own.” Thrawn replaced the crate’s lid. “The captain has already granted permission to use this storage hold for my interests, so long as I use my salary.”
“Oh…” Eli glanced down at the crate. Inside he has seen all the necessary tools and small parts that could be used to rebuild items. Thrawn had obviously been thinking on this for a while.
“Why?” Eli asked. When Thrawn gave him a blank expression, Eli continued. “Why study all this? Clone war artifacts aren’t being used anymore.”
“True,” Thrawn conceded patiently. “But it is a time period I am not familiar with and was not able to draw from when studying modern designs of technology.”
“Oh…” Eli blushed at the reminder of Thrawn’s exile and tried to change the subject. “So, uh, what did you need me for?”
“I would ask for your assistance to find the parts on the holonet that I need.”
“oh…okay. I guess I can find them…”
There was a break of silence between them, one that was miscalculated. Eli believed Thrawn was silent because he was in thought over his new project. In actuality, Thrawn’s mind was somewhere else entirely.
“Ensign, you are not well.” Thrawn said suddenly. Eli jumped at the sound of Thrawn’s voice and stood at attention.
“Sir?”
“You are unwell. Your temperature is off, and you have been distant since this morning. Have I been keeping you from proper sustenance?”
“N-no”
“Have you been keeping regular hours of rest required for humans?”
“I-I have been…” his brain reminded him of the night before. “Well, mostly.”
“What has been troubling you?”
“Nothing!”
“Eli, you are not a talented liar.”
Eli didn’t know what to say to that. He knew he wasn’t. it was a firm truth. But where this went was hardly something he could configure. How could he say anything without it potentially being-
The door to the storage hold closed, and Eli realized that he and Thrawn were now properly alone. Thrawn stood by the door, hand still on the controls and eyes blazing in what appeared to be recognition.
“You are embarrassed,” Thrawn said, stepping away. It wasn’t a question.
“I…I’m struggling,” Eli admitted. “With wrapping my head around all this. It’s just so…different. Unfamiliar. Unusual.”
Thrawn said nothing, tapping his elegant fingers against the wall in thought. His expression was of deep pondering, and Eli did not dare interrupt him. Finally, Thrawn spoke.
“It is…different, for both of us.” Thrawn admitted. “I admit I did not foresee this as a complication with you, Eli. You always were so…accepting.”
“I-I’m not unaccepting of you!” Eli quickly assured. “I just…I just am trying to come to terms with me actually breaking the rules.”
“I see…”
Eli was about to comment on Thrawn’s unconvinced tone, when the door to the storage bay opened abruptly. Ensign what’s-her-face entered in a rush, panting as though she had been running.
“Eli, we have- Sir!” she stood at attention at the sight of Thrawn.
“what is it Ensign Keene?” Thrawn asked her. Eli thanked his stars Thrawn remembered her name.
“Sir, we are about to make contact with a band of pirates. It seems they just had a run in with some of our deployments.”
That was all Thrawn needed to call Eli to his side as he half jogged out of the storage hold. Eli didn’t need to be told twice to follow, silently grateful for a distraction.
Thrawn returned late that evening to their shared quarters, reading over a datapad as he entered. Eli stood in the kitchen with a cup of hot water, searching for the tea he knew existed, but could not seem to find.
“Third cabinet Eli.” Thrawn commented as he sat down, eyes still on the pad in curiosity. Eli looked in the suggested place and found his prize. He muttered a thank you as he snatched the box and began steeping.
“Your promptness during battle was admirable, Eli.” Thrawn said from the couch. “Captain Virgilio was impressed by your ease in taking our low supply numbers and stretching them over the course of the conflict.”
“Thank you…” Eli replied, genuinely surprised. He was sure Thrawn had been given credit for it, and even heard the captain say his commendation towards Thrawn. Unless the Chiss had corrected the Captain, which would not have surprised Eli in the slightest. Thrawn, for all his tact and ability, could not seem to recognize that one never corrects a superior officer.
Said being powered down his tablet and turned his head to gaze sideways at Eli.
“Normally, I would not press a matter that would unjustly make you uncomfortable, but I am afraid our particular problem must be dealt with immediately,” Thrawn stated bluntly. “Why are you in turmoil?”
Eli stared down at his tea, watching the flimsy bag bob in the steaming water as it tinted the liquid a tan color.
He had never broken the rules like this. If anyone had told him at Myomar that he would meet a legendary Chiss and be partnered with him for the foreseeable future and bind himself to him as his very first romantic relationship, he would have checked them for illegal spice inhalation. It would have been just so…inconceivable!
“I never have been with anyone,” Eli began, slowly making his way to seat himself next to Thrawn. “I mean, I had crushes, sure. And I did have experience with some…er, peers of mine both at home and at my first academy. But we knew it wasn’t going to last, much less mean anything.”
“Crushes?” Thrawn asked, appearing to test the word on his tongue.
“Feeling attracted to someone enough to want a potential relationship.”
“Ah. But you never pursued a relationship.”
“Well no!” Eli shook his head. “I couldn’t.”
“So why now?”
Thrawn’s query stunned Eli.
“What?”
“Why would you choose now to step from your comfort zone and dare to defy the law and social regulations?”
Eli blinked. He didn’t…he wasn’t sure. On one hand, it was ludicrous to even think he would ever step this far. But on the other hand, it was because of Thrawn he wanted to. He was afraid, insecure about the outcomes and the future. The potential dangers looming over them like a dark shadowy eclipse, consuming their hopes for prosperity. Mental trials and tribulations riddled the way for Eli, as they had already proven to do so. But what of Thrawn? Was he without any form of doubt or worry? Thrawn’s posture on the sofa was anything but relaxed, his form tense and eyes wide with anticipation of Eli’s answer. Was he perhaps worried too?
“I guess…I guess it’s because You’re special.” At Thrawn’s blank stare, he continued, “I feel like I can be myself around you. I don’t need to be the perfect officer like I have to for the Navy, I don’t have to be the perfect student like I did at the academy, and I don’t have to be the perfect son like I do with my parents. I can just simply be me. Without judgement.”
“And this newfound freedom has you anxious,” Thrawn seemed to decide. Eli frowned at the hypothesis and cursed its accuracy as he put his cup of tea down on the table.
“Doesn’t being free after being closed in for so long seem like a terrifying thing?” he asked, a small portion of heat under his breath.
Thrawn’s stare remained steady, but there was a subtle softening on his expression.
“I suppose it would, if you are ruled by the opinions and expectations of others.”
Eli blinked, and then slowly crossed his arms with a frown. Thrawn lifted a hand to urge Eli to use patience and let him continue.
“I am not saying you are insecure for depending on a higher force to guide your actions,” Thrawn said. “Rather, I merely point out that this is the first time you have taken the lead, so it is only natural for you to be anxious.”
Eli growled at Thrawn’s words and stomped towards his room. But before he entered and locked the door behind him, he turned back to give a glowering look at Thrawn’s mostly apathetic face.
“You of all people should know that being loyal to something is a responsibility. Not a kriffing weakness.”
The lock in the door remained in its bolted slot all night, and Eli refused to feel guilty for his exit. He did not hear any form of movement from Thrawn outside but did notice that the overhead lights powered down to night mode at the appropriate time. Eli could only assume that Thrawn had retired for the evening. There was not any doubt, however, that the discussion was not over.
The next morning, it was proven to be correct as eli slowly emerged from his quarters to find Thrawn still sitting on the couch in his previous place, eyes peeled to his door with an intensity that could melt matter. Eli felt his chest and face warm under the brilliant red eyes.
They simply stared at one another for an awkward moment, when Eli’s question of if Thrawn had stayed out all night was interrupted.
“You are afraid because to you, this is abandonment to all that you’ve known.” Thrawn spoke in a precise voice, as though he had practiced this. “To you, you are betraying the words of all that had comforted you in adolescence. To you, this is not independence, but insurgency.”
Eli blinked, and searched for discrimination in Thrawn’s countenance. Finding none, he slumped his shoulders and joined him on the cushioned seat.
“I admit…most of that is true.” Eli sighed. “In a way.”
“I do not expect you to do away with all that you have known, nor do I expect you to dive headfirst in this new experience.” Thrawn rested a hand on his shoulder in a comforting manner. Eli’s eyes rose to meet Thrawn’s with optimism.
“So…you’re alright with taking it day by day?”
“How else are we to expect time to pass?” Thrawn asked, his tone suggesting the obviousness of the circumstance. “ Or to expect a sense of normalcy to return in light of all that has changed? If this was not apparent to you, then you need not fear for these misunderstandings any longer. I will hear you in every concern, as you have heard me in every one of mine.” Thrawn pressed his head against Eli’s temple, who quickly turned to mirror the motion. “And I will be there day by day for everything.”
Eli could not hide his smile.