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Miyuki Kazuya would have preferred it if you had told him Sawamura Eijun was sick and dying. Sure it would be terrible to watch the southpaw slowly deteriorate but at least Miyuki would have had the time to process the fact that the loudmouthed pitcher was going to die; at least he would have had the chance to properly say goodbye. But this, this came out of nowhere—a freaking car accident that no one could have possibly predicted.
Maybe Miyuki would have had the time to say goodbye. If only he hadn't been in the middle of a game when his phone was buzzing in his bag because he was listed as Sawamura's emergency contact.
Was it Miyuki's fault? Sawamura had been on his way to watch the game when he was hit by a car. Maybe Miyuki shouldn't have invited him to the game, then none of this would have happened. Who was he kidding—Miyuki knew Eijun better than he knew anyone else; Sawamura would have gone to the game whether or not Miyuki had invited him because Sawamura loved seeing him play even if he wasn't the one Miyuki was catching for.
Pain. All Miyuki felt was pain. He hadn't felt this much pain since his mother died or when his father started ignoring him. Was this what it was like to love someone? Well if this was love he didn't want it anymore.
They had been living together for over two years now. Miyuki had been living together with Kuramochi until the shortstop had decided to move in with his girlfriend—yeah, everyone had been surprised when Kuramochi managed to get a girl to like him. It was around the same time Sawamura had graduated and had been drafted into the team in a nearby city.
"I don't care if it'll take longer to commute," the southpaw had argued. "I would rather not live with a stranger so please let me live with you, Miyuki Kazuya!"
How could Miyuki say no? How could he had said no when it meant he could be near the southpaw every day? How could he had said no to the boy—no, to the man that made his heart race? Sawamura Eijun was definitely no longer a boy. He had grown taller, taller than Miyuki and he had gotten more muscular. He had gotten more beautiful too, Miyuki thought.
Every day had been filled with Sawamura's nonsense but Miyuki didn't mind, he never did because he loved the sound of Sawamura's voice even if it was a little too loud. It had always been 'Miyuki Kazuya this' and 'Miyuki Kazuya that', Sawamura was always yelling at Miyuki about one thing or another. Now it was Miyuki Kazuya alone with his thoughts in an apartment that was far too silent for his liking.
Sawamura's funeral had high attendance which honestly came as no surprise to Miyuki. Everyone loved Sawamura, and Miyuki loved him too but in a different way. Seidou's old team was there along with the coaches and staff; Coach Kataoka's eyes were red, Takashima was sobbing, Oota's nose was snotty, and Ochiai was acting nonchalant but no one missed his red-rimmed eyes. Little Kominato was sobbing while the older Kominato held him and Furuya was biting his lip to desperately hold in a sob.
"Miyuki, how are you holding up?" Yuuki asked delicately, his voice was hoarse from crying.
Miyuki nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders. "I'm fine."
No one actually believed him but they didn't push it. Throughout the entire procession, Miyuki was the only one who remained dry-eyed. He watched every single person around him break down crying as he waited for Sawamura to pop into the room and let out a bellow of laughter.
Going through Sawamura's belongings was the hardest part. He enlisted the help of Kuramochi and Chris for a task that would only take one person to complete, but they understood why he had asked for help. Miyuki bit his lip so hard it had started to bleed, he was trying to get rid of the aching pain in his chest as he sifted through Sawamura's clothes. He needed to pack up everything and send it to Sawamura's parents in Nagano.
He picked up a yellow shirt. Miyuki had gotten it for Sawamura as a souvenir when he went for an outstation game. Sawamura had treasured the shirt and wore it over and over again until Miyuki made him put it in the wash because it started to stink.
"It's the first gift you've ever gotten for me," Sawamura had said. "I'll treasure it forever, Kazuya!"
Miyuki allowed himself to chuckle at the memory before tossing the shirt into a box to seal up. He was sealing away all the memories he had with Sawamura because he didn't know how else to deal with grief. Chris had encouraged him to talk about it with someone and Kuramochi had been uncharacteristically soft around him. He didn't want them to treat him like some fragile vase, he wanted them to treat him like normal so he could get over this quickly.
Except Eijun didn't deserve to be treated as if he was nothing to Miyuki, did he?
Miyuki knew Eijun had meant a lot to him because he could barely sleep at night; every time he closed his eyes he could still hear the faint sounds of Eijun's voice yelling at him to wake up or he'd be late to practice. He could still see the southpaw all over their apartment. Miyuki saw him in the tv they had bought together, the movies they had watched together, and the room they shared together.
It didn't just stop at the apartment. Miyuki saw him in the cafe they used to frequent together; Eijun was sitting by the window with his face buried in the latest shoujo manga he was reading. Miyuki saw him in the grocery store; Eijun was standing in the aisle that had the Japanese curry trying to pick the best one to get. Eijun was everywhere, it was almost like the southpaw was haunting him.
Maybe it was the regret. Miyuki regretted not telling Eijun what a good player he was. Miyuki regretted not spending more time with him. Miyuki regretted not giving into Eijun's request to play catch more often.
Above all, Miyuki regretted not telling Sawamura Eijun how much he loved him.
On the field, Miyuki was a known daredevil. He was aggressive and never afraid to take risks, but off the field, he was afraid a lot of things. Miyuki thought himself a coward. He could do a lot of things but he couldn't even tell his roommate that he loved him.
And now Eijun was gone.
Miyuki shut the door after Chris and Kuramochi left but he couldn't move. He was numb. He felt the tears running down his face and he heard himself sobbing. His knees gave out and he slid down to the floor before he let himself cry. He let himself cry for the man he never got to love.
Miyuki would never know what the southpaw's lips felt like; they looked so kissable and he always wondered if they were as soft as he imagined them to be. Miyuki would never know how it felt to run his hands through Eijun's hair; it always looked so soft. Miyuki would never know how it sounded when Eijun said 'I love you'; only in his dreams did Miyuki ever hear it.
Miyuki would never know how it felt to love the boisterous southpaw, and that would forever be Miyuki Kazuya's biggest regret.