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If someone had told Cor earlier that being the Crownsguard Marshal would mean this much paperwork, he might not have taken the promotion. He imagined there would be more hands-on training and a lot less requisition forms. There are currently two seperate stacks of papers piled up on his desk which apparently serve different purposes, but the forms all look exactly the same to him. Cor pinches the bridge of his nose and wills away the impending frustration. He’ll have to ask Clarus to help him later.
He’s considering just signing everything and calling it a day, when he hears the pitter-patter of little footsteps running down the hallway outside his office. They stop just in front of his door, and Cor hears a rhythmic ‘knock-knock-knock’ on the wood.
Taking the distraction for what is is, Cor gets up from his desk and opens the door to find little Noctis beaming up at him. “Hi, Uncle Cor! Can you teach me swear words?”
Cor slowly starts to shut the door, but Noctis is way too used to this game. He just laughs as he squirms past Cor and into the office. Noct runs over and flings himself onto the couch shoved up against the wall and says, “Can you teach me swear words, pleeeaaase?”
“Why are you so eager to learn how curse all of a sudden?” Cor asks, exasperated. He sits down next to Noctis who turns his whole body to sit cross legged on the couch facing Cor. “Also, where are you supposed to be? Please tell me you didn’t ditch Ignis again.”
“I didn’t ditch Ignis again.” Noctis straight up lies. “And Gladio says that he knows every swear because he’s older than me, but he won’t say what they are! So I need you to teach me.”
Of course Gladio is involved. The kid is always holding his three extra years of life experience over Noct’s head which somehow manages to push all of Noct’s buttons. Regis used to do the same thing to Cor when they were younger, so Cor feels for the kid. But even so, as much as Cor honestly wants the kid show up Gladio for once, he can’t just teach Noct curse words. Regis would probably kill him.
Cor shakes his head and says “Sorry kid, not gonna happen. Besides, Gladio doesn’t know every swear word, he’s just trying to get a rise out of you.”
Noctis pouts. “What about just one swear word? Teach me just one so I can say it to Gladio and he won’t call me a baby anymore. Please Uncle Cor?” His eyes are big and pleading and dammit, Cor is such a sucker. Regis teases him all the time for falling for the puppy eyes, but it’s not Cor’s fault. He didn’t sign up to be a dad, just a cool uncle that lets the kids stay up late and also apparently teaches the six year old crown prince how to swear.
Shit, he’s actually going to do this. Well, if it lets Cor keep his title of ‘Favorite Uncle’, then it might just be worth the fallout.
So Cor sighs, resigns himself to his fate, and holds out his right pinky. “You can’t tell anyone that I told you this, okay?” Noctis nods excitedly and links his pinky with Cor’s. “Alright Noct, let’s get a baseline. What swears do you already know?”
Noctis purses his lips in concentration and rocks back in his seat. “I know damn, and ass, and hell, and idiot,” He says as he uses his fingers to tick off the words. “Umm, oh! And I know shit!”
Cor is weirdly proud. He wasn’t expecting the kid know anything beyond ‘stupid’, but here he is, using actual big kid swears. They grow up so fast.
“That’s pretty good kid. You don’t really need much more than that, but there is one good swear you’re missing.” It occurs to Cor that Regis may actually, legitimately kill him for what he’s about to do next, but he’s already promised the kid. In for a penny, in for a pound or something like that. So he continues, “The word is, Fuck.”
“Fuck?” Noct asks with a tilt of his head. Astrals, Cor is going to get sent to a special level of hell for this one. “What does it mean?”
Oh no. Oh hell no. This was definitely a bad idea and Cor is having some pretty serious regrets. “Uh, It’s an expression, sort of. Like when you stub your toe you can say, ‘Fuck!’ or if you’re mad at someone you can tell them ‘Fuck you!’, get it?” Hopefully the kid won’t notice that Cor is skipping the explicit definition and focusing more on the grammar side of things.
“Ummm, kind of… Does it not mean anything?”
Cor runs with that. “Yeah, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a swear. It’s used for emphasis, uh, to make normal phrases sound stronger. Like ‘no fucking way’ or ‘what the fuck’. Does that make sense?”
Noct nods this time and brightly says, “I get it! Like when you want to make regular words sound bigger!”
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.” Cor figures it’s about time to prevent any collateral damage that may occur from Noct’s newfound knowledge. He puts on his best serious face and looks Noct in the eyes. “Listen, Noct. You can’t go running around all over the place saying this word, alright? Go show it off to Gladio, but I don’t want you getting in trouble for swearing.”
Noctis rolls his eyes and says, “Yeah, yeah I know. I get in enough trouble because I fall asleep in class.”
Cor laughs at that and reaches over to tousle Noct’s hair. “That’s better than getting into fights with other kids like I used to. Well, at least with anyone other that Gladio.”
Noct is about to respond when from the hallway, they can hear Ignis yelling out in exasperation, “Noct! Noctis where did you go?”
“Oops. I gotta go Uncle Cor!” Noct leans in and throws his arms around Cor’s middle in a tight hug. He then hops up and head over to to door with a quick, “Bye!” thrown over his shoulder as he runs back into the hall.
For a second, Cor thinks that maybe that wasn’t a total disaster. Noct is clearly smart enough to know what he’s saying and has gone through enough etiquette classes to understand he can’t swear in public. He’s in the middle of reassuring himself that he didn’t completely blow it, when he hears Noct say from the hallway, “Hey Ignis! What the fuck is up?”
Cor stands, closes the door, and resolves to ignore this whole thing until it blows over.
-
Cor does end up calling Clarus for help, even though Clarus teases him relentlessly for it. It takes a couple hours for him and Clarus to sort through the paperwork, but by the end of the day, most of the requisition forms have been filled out. It leaves him exhausted, and Cor thinks he deserves a drink.
He extends the invitation to Clarus, who declines since he’s on baby Iris detail tonight. So, Cor pours two fingers of whiskey and tucks himself into his favorite lounge chair in the west library. Well, it’s less of a library, and more of a small room with bookshelves, but he, Regis, and Clarus frequently use it as a place to decompress after dealing with bullshit all day.
And speak of the devil, Regis walks in not five minutes after Cor arrives and sits down into the armchair next to Cor. With no greeting at all, he immediately turns and levels Cor with a knowing stare.
Well, shit. Cor was at least hoping to put this off until tomorrow. “Hey Reg. Long day?”
“Always, but that’s not why I’m here. You see, I was just tucking in Noctis, my sweet baby angel, the light of my life, and do you know what he said to me as I was leaving?”
Cor tries his absolute best to hold a neutral expression. He responds evenly, “What’d he say?”
“He said, ‘Good fucking night, dad’.”
Cor absolutely loses it. He starts laughing so hard he has to set down his glass before he accidently dumps it on the floor. Teaching Noct to say fuck was probably the best decision he’s even made in his life, just for this moment.
“Wh-what did you say back?” Cor manages through a wheeze.
Regis is smiling now, with laughter apparent in his eyes, “I said “Good fucking night, my son’.”
“Astrals, Reg. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. Your kid can be a piece of work sometimes, but I love it.” Cor responds and picks up his drink again.
“It’s not fair to call Noctis a piece of work when you’re the one who taught a six year old to swear.” Regis counters and snatches the drink out of Cor’s hand. He proceeds to down half of it and says, “I need this more than you do.”
Cor just scoffs, grabs the handle of whiskey sitting on the floor, and takes a swig. “He used the puppy dog eyes on me. He comes to my office, asks me to teach him swear words, and then hits me with the puppy dog eyes. I’m only human Regis.”
Now it’s Regis’s turn to scoff. He levels Cor with his most unimpressed look and says, “I think you need to babysit more often. If you aren’t immune after six years, you clearly still need to build up your tolerance.” Regis finishes the rest of the drink, and stands up. “Unfortunately, I still have some work to do. I really just came here to tell you off for being a bad influence on my son, but I’ll take a refill while I’m here.” He holds out the empty glass to Cor.
Cor takes the glass, fills it with three fingers this time, and hands it back to Regis. “A little extra for you troubles.”
“I appreciate it Cor.” He heads to the door, stopping just before he leaves to say, “Good fucking night, my friend.”
Cor laughs 'til his sides hurt. It was definitely worth it.