Work Text:
Hey Eds,
I have never been a man of faith, so I’m not really sure if you can hear me wherever you are, if you are anywhere. I hate you. You were such a stupid fucking idiot and I hate you! You didn’t have to save me! You didn’t have to die for me! It should have been me instead. You just left me here! You left me here to learn to live without you- to exist without you.
I haven’t spoken in three days. I haven’t made a joke in three days. Not since you left me. I’m afraid that if I start- if I say anything, I won’t be able to stop. I won’t know when to shut up, because you were the one that always told me when to stop talking and now I’ll just keep rambling on and on! Beep! Beep! Richie! I just wanna hear you say it one more time. I just wanna hear your voice one more time.
Everyone thinks that I told those stupid jokes to get attention from whoever I could, because my parent were so fucked up and never gave me any. Maybe it started out that way. The truth is, I only said those joke to make YOU laugh. All I wanted was YOUR attention. Since the first day I met you, you were my motivation. So now, what’s the point? Everything is pointless.
Everyone likes to say that love is hard, or that love is pain. That’s not true. Love is easy. Falling in love with you was the easiest, most effortless thing I ever did. I loved you before I even knew or understood what love was. Being loved by you . . . it was beautiful. It soothed me, healed the wounds in my heart, and gave me purpose. No, love is not hard or painful. Life is!
Our lives were shit and we had to fight for one another over and over and over again and even then you kept getting stolen from me. Whether it was at the crackhouse at Neibolt, or for those 27 years, or now. Forever. Its all bullshit! I don’t understand why God,, or the Universe, or whatever, would taunt us like this. To bring us into each others lives and provide us with so much love, just to rip it violently from our hands. No matter how much we tried, we were always destined to be comets in each other’s lives. You deserved better. Better than me! A better mother! A better life!
The others have been telling me to think about the good times, as if it would bring me some solace or comfort. That just makes everything worse. Eds, I want to forget. Leave this town and let the memories fade away again. Would you be mad? Would you hate me? I just hurt so much without you! Am I pathetic? I don’t wanna leave because you deserve to be remembered! I just don’t think I could ever recover from this. Not if I don’t leave. Not if I don’t forget. I’m weak. I’m sorry, baby boy.
I don’t know if there is an afterlife, but god I hope there is so you can hear me. Wait for me! Wherever you are, wait for me! I will join you no matter where you are, I promise. Until then, I want you to know this. No matter where I go….no matter who I become… no matter how much time passes… Even if all my memories fade and I can no longer remember your name… You’re gonna live forever in me.
I love you Eddie Spaghetti.