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Fucking hell, I’ve actually never wanted to see more than I do right now.
I mean, I didn’t mishear them, right? The moon is—Taako said “expanding,” but that can’t be right. I can’t have gotten that one right. What the hell are they seeing? Where are they?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Above.
Gee, thank you for that impressively nonspecific answer. Above what? The ground? We’re not seriously—I mean, we’re not on the moon, right? Because that doesn’t work. Maybe if the laws of physics decided to take a day off, but we’re not on one of those worlds. Unfortunately. I’d give anything to just rip a hole in this pocket hell and get the fuck out of here for real.
Anyway. That’s exactly why this can’t work. There’s no way we got through the atmosphere that fast.
Unless—
Unless we’re not in space.
Above.
Okay, but last I checked, this world only has one moon. I can’t be misremembering that. And gravity isn’t completely fucked, which means the moon is definitely orbiting the planet. Let’s work this out, then. As far as I know, lightspeed isn’t a thing here just yet, so wherever we are, it’s not anywhere in space. But if I’m going off of what Taako just said, these jokers think they’re going to the moon, right? So, natural conclusion, we’ve landed somewhere that looks like a moon, but isn’t. A big… a big circular thing, just hanging out in the sky. That nobody else ever noticed. With, uh… the mother of all cloaking spells, I guess.
When did I become such a skeptic? That’s kinda depressing.
Well. A lot about this situation is depressing. Not going to think about that. I’ve made it this far without wallowing in my own circumstance, and you bet your ass I’m not going to start now.
So you know what? Forget theorizing. I’m gonna work with what I’ve got. I’m used to relying on all five senses for information-gathering, what have you, and now I’ve only got one, but nobody ever made a scientific breakthrough by being conventional. Think outside the box, chickie. Umbrella. Whatever. I’m dealing with limited input, right? And according to Denne’s Laws of Observational Adaptation, when in the case that limited input adversely affects observations made in a single trial…
Gather all available data using the format available and pursue what that data reveals.
Listen.
I can do that.
Wow. I finally shut up and they’re not saying shit. C’mon, boys, give me something.
There’s that voice again. Killian? She sounds like she’s got it together, at least. Gods know these three are in serious need of a competent woman who actually exists in their dimension. Kinda wish she’d explain what’s up, but I’ll take what I can get.
They’re still being weirdly quiet. I don’t like this. Even Taako babbles when he’s nervous, I’ve never heard him just… shut down like this. Merle hasn’t cracked a single inappropriate joke. My sake, Magnus should be asking all sorts of annoying questions, and they’re all just dead silent! I didn’t miss anything, did I? Tell me my hearing isn’t flaking, because that’s really the last thing I need.
Someone just say something. Please.
Is that—?
No, I don’t know who the fuck that is.
Brandy. He said brandy, didn’t he? Hey, Umbra Staff, can you confirm? Is there, uh… is that alcohol?
Not in your range of abilities, huh? Fair. But y’know something? Next time I craft an arcane focus, I’m crafting it with an alcohol detector. Fuck you.
I really, really want a drink.
What is he talking about? Go-Gurt?
Oh. Well. Look at me. I’ve been in here a stupid amount of time and I already forgot how to take a joke. Still got no idea what happened to Taako, but at least he’s cracking goofs, right?
He doesn’t—
He doesn’t even sound like himself.
Or, here’s a scary thought—maybe he does, and I just… don’t remember what he sounds like.
Why am I torturing myself like this?
I mean, clearly something went down while I’ve been trapped in here. I wasn’t there, I don’t know, and there’s no way for me to find out until I get out of here. What’s the point of all these what-ifs? For fuck’s sake, I hate those more than anything, and yet here I am.
Maybe I’ve changed more than I thought.
Figures, right? Nobody’s acting like themselves right now. I’m getting all introspective, and these three are joking about an entire—I mean, an entire town just got massacred, and they’re dicking around like it doesn’t matter at all. We saved entire civilizations together. This isn’t them.
Correction.
This is them, now. I just have no idea why.
Avi. Thanks for spelling it out, dude. People here seem friendly, at least. I mean, they could all be evil masterminds playacting at decency, but I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that’s not the case. Besides, what choice do I have? It’s not like I can do much from in here. I’ve got to trust them to stay safe without me.
Holy shit. Wish I hadn’t thought of that.
They’re gonna get themselves killed.
She’s—
Did she say she’s leaving them? Killian, babe, can you just—can you just reconsider—
O-kay. And she’s gone. I think she’s gone, at least. Here’s another note for Lup’s scientific and observational record: not being able to see fucking drags. You have to guess at everything.
Magnus, you fucker, hold the elevator.
Good gods, this guy sounds straight up depressed. I didn’t even know you could get that from someone’s voice. He’s like a walking existential crisis, and I’m not feeling one of those right now. Or ever. Come to think of it, I could do without the existential crisis altogether.
Crisis?
Danger?
What? Ha, no. Existential crisis, hon. Like, uh… coming to terms with your own mortality. When you’re gonna die and whatnot. The IPRE and I kinda had a no-existentialism-allowed policy, because it didn’t really jive with the rules of our existence, but it did hit pretty hard sometimes. And it sucked. A lot.
There’s no point in explaining this to you, though. You wouldn’t know fuckall about mortality anyway. It’s not even your fault, you just—can’t. And I don’t feel like giving an umbrella a crash course in philosophy.
I just… tuned out literally all of that conversation, didn’t I? Holy shit. I know multitasking is supposed to be hard, but this thing is really karate-chopping my attention, huh? Here’s something else for the record: focusing inward and focusing outward are two totally different things. It seems like they actually expend different forms of energy, which is, uh, weird, to say the least. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because when I’m hanging out in here, I’m kind of centering my consciousness? Containing. That’s the word I’m looking for. And when I go to listen outside, I…
I, uh.
You are me.
I’m really not. Doesn’t work like that. I just, um, never considered that when I’m listening, I’m using some of your properties to pick up sound vibrations. I don’t even know what you’d call that. It’s not possession. Not a merge or anything like that. Maybe—no, I’m not gonna call this assimilation. That’s a little too alien invasion for my taste.
Ha. Alien invasion. If only they knew.
Okay. Let’s tune back in, shall we?
Violinist.
He’s a violinist.
The world’s greatest? Okay, slow your roll, buddy. You might be this world’s greatest, but are we talking interplanar skill? I think the fuck not. Who does this guy think he is, anyway? What kind of world’s greatest violinist lives on a moon-that’s-not-a-moon?
Not a moon.
Yeah, no kidding. I got nothing else to call it. If somebody out there would start actually communicating, maybe I’d be able to come up with something less lame than “moon-that’s-not-a-moon.” Or maybe all this time in here is killing my creativity. I mean, no offense, Umbra Staff, but you’re not the most brilliant conversationalist. Kinda have to rely on myself for that one.
Huh. I’m not imagining that, am I?
That’s music.
He’s playing them music.
Magic.
Yeah, that’s… that’s a bard for you.
Magic. Magic magic magic.
Can you just shut the fuck up for a minute and let me listen?
I’m… crying.
It’s not even this stupid song, it’s just…
I’ve been trying so hard not to think about it. Which is stupid, really, because you can’t just make a century disappear from your mind, but I thought… well, actually, I didn’t think. That was kind of the principle of the thing. Put the past out of your mind and then you can’t wish for things to go back to the way they were, right?
Holy. Shit. I sound like Taako’s avoidant ass. How are his terrible habits still rubbing off on me? My sake, I haven’t seen him in—
In—
Okay, nevermind, we’re not doing that now. I’ve gotta cut myself a break. It’s been a terrible day, and I’m trapped in an umbrella in an elevator, which is definitely someone’s recurring nightmare. And I can’t fucking focus because of this music, because I keep thinking about Legato and Barry and all our rehearsals and how the sky looked the night we performed and FUCK THIS, I JUST SAID WE’RE NOT DOING THIS, GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BLOCK THIS OUT, AND I CAN’T. I CAN’T. JUST STOP.
just stop please just
Magic.
This is why everyone hates bards. Crafty little fuckers.
Magic.
I stopped listening, just then. I shouldn’t have been able to hear him. Why didn’t that work? This space isn’t supposed to transmit sound unless I’m making an active effort, and I definitely was not making an effort just then. I mean—it was just a violin, right?
Maybe I’m not giving this guy enough credit. He’s no—well—me, but he, uh, he’s got some talent. And there’s something in his magic that’s crossing the dimensional barrier. I mean, I never exactly experimented on how tough this thing is—actually, I should get on that. Worth noting, at least. But my point is that the music made it in here somehow, and it’s not hanging around anymore, which means… okay, to dumb it all the way down, it did find a way to cross back over.
And if it can do that, so can I.
Escape is not necessary to serve.
No shit. Honestly, when will you get it into your head that I don’t want to be here? I don’t want to fucking serve or create or cast or any of that bullshit. I’m going to find a way out of here and when I do, I’m incinerating you in your own Fireball and making an arcane focus that doesn’t want to brainwash me, and also has a fucking alcohol detector, and possibly a cocktail dispenser, because if I don’t get a fucking drink I swear on myself, I’m going to flip. My. Shit.
That was kind of harsh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely still going to destroy you as soon as I get the chance, but I… I could’ve been nicer about that.
The silent treatment, huh? Fine. Whatever. I’m not getting into it with you. I’ve gotta get back to figuring out what the fuck I’m hearing.
Oh. That’s the elevator, I think.
Inoculated? What is he…
Okay, Sad Sack McGee, square the fuck up. You want to call my brother dumb, you’re gonna have to read his paper on arcane interaction with planar physics. Gods, I practically had to hold him down to get him to write that thing. I mean—okay, to be fair, he is a dumbass. But he’s not stupid. First this guy comes in here claiming he invented the violin, and now he thinks he’s smarter than one of the IPRE’s best arcanists? Are you fucking kidding me?
He’s—
Taako’s been acting stupid. I’ll give him that. But that doesn’t mean anything. He does that all the time to fuck with people. Okay, like, one time, he convinced a professor he’d never heard of spell slots, right? Like he just thought casting spells was supposed to be exhausting. And the look on her face… it was actually amazing. I think she tried to get him kicked out of the Academy at one point.
My point is that this guy doesn’t know jack shit. I’d kick his ass myself if I wasn’t—y’know.
Huh.
And you know something else?
Taako’s not defending himself. Normally I’d say that’s some top-notch dedication to the goof, but he’s not even trying to shoot back. He’s just taking it. Like he believes it.
Hold on a sec, that’s…
Oh, my gods. I know that sound. That’s—that’s Fisher, holy shit! Finally something I recognize. Thank you, universe. We’ll, uh… we’ll deal with what it’s doing on the moon in a minute.
Fisher?
Fisher, the—this weird jellyfish thing from Legato. Okay, and I just said that like you’re supposed to know what that means. You’re not. Nevermind, I can’t do explanations now. Fisher is here, which means someone brought it here, which means they know what it is. One of the IPRE. Somebody’s here. Cap’n’port? Luce?
Barry?
Can’t think about that now. Whoever this is, they’ve—they’ve gotta know what’s going on with the boys and why they’re acting so fucking strange. This is a rescue mission! Ha! Somebody’s finally going to explain what the hell’s been going on, and I can give them a sign, or something, anything, and we can bust me out of here once and for all. That’s it, it’s over. This nightmare is OVER.
Well, that’s…
That’s one possibility.
I’m a scientist. I’m logical. I have to acknowledge the very, very slim chance that someone other than the IPRE got their hands on Fisher, and this is some sort of… insidious moon cult hellbent on destroying the world. Gods, that sounds stupid. The idea, I mean, not the moon cult thing. “Moon cult” is actually pretty good. And you know what? That’s I’m calling this lot for now. The moon cult.
I’m deflecting my own theory. Wow. I gotta pull it together. If this place is some sicko’s idea of a joke, I need to be ready for action. These three aren’t gonna know any better, so…
So it’s up to me.
Protect?
Serve?
That’s—you’re missing the point. Although I do kinda like the sound of that. Like an interdimensional arcane badass. To protect and serve and look generally awesome in doing so. Yeah, I like that. Suits me well.
Protect Taako?
Um, duh? That’s kind of the whole point of this thing. Why d’you think I crafted you? I mean, yeah, I wanted a cool-looking arcane focus, but somebody’s gotta look out for my dingus of a brother and his friends. Especially when some fuckin’ moon cult is out to get them.
That… still sounds stupid as hell. This is my life now, I guess.
I just tuned out again. Gods dammit. I mean, I was getting real tired of silence, but at this point I dunno which is more exhausting. This whole juggling-awareness shit is getting old pretty fast.
They—
They remember.
I know I didn’t mishear that.
They’re remembering everything and—
MAGNUS. MERLE. TAAKO. I’M HERE. I’M RIGHT HERE. I’M RIGHT HERE, PLEASE, CUT THE BULLSHIT AND GET ME OUT OF HERE. GET ME OUT. PLEASE GET ME OUT—
What the everloving fuck is the Bureau of Balance?
The voidfish?
Something’s wrong. Taako should’ve recognized the Umbra Staff. They should know—they’re talking about Fisher like they’ve never seen it before. Magnus, for fuck’s sake, you two were joined at the hip. Or whatever the fuck Fisher has. Tentacle? No, that… that sounds very wrong. Forget that.
Forget that.
They’re still forgetting.
What. The hell. Is GOING ON.
Magic.
SERIOUSLY NOT THE TIME.
I don’t fucking understand this. It’s like they’re remembering some shit and still forgetting the other shit altogether, like—
Like the IPRE.
Like the mission.
Like me.
You are me.
I—
No. No. The Umbra Staff absorbs arcane essence, not memories. I definitely didn’t design you to work like that. Besides, Taako would know. He’s been carrying it around, for my sake. Even if he doesn’t remember me, he’d have to recognize this thing, and he just… doesn’t.
So something else is up.
This is really weird, right? Like, it’s not just me? There’s no way a spell can do this shit—I don’t care how powerful the wizard, there’s no way you can just steal memories like that. Fuck it, nothing was supposed to be able to do that until Fisher came along, and we have to rule that out because the boys just got inoculated, apparently! And that means they should be remembering everything, but they just—they don’t, and I have no idea why, and I really fucking hate not KNOWING SHIT, and—
Alive.
O-kay. I need to hold it together. This is really not the time to lose my head. Actually, this might be the worst possible time to lose my head, because apparently I’m the only one who’s got it screwed on straight around here. I’m gonna figure this out, and I’m gonna fix this. I can do it. I can do this.
I can do this.
Thank me, Magnus is finally asking the important questions. Who the fuck is in charge here, exactly? And how do they feel about being, oh, I dunno, launched off the moon with the force of the fucking Bond Engine?
Bond?
I swear I’ve gotta do all the explaining around here. Yeah, the Bond Engine. Big glowy circular thing that powers the Starblaster. Runs on the power of friendship, evidently. You know I never really got how that thing works? I mean, I get it’s supposed to be some transcendent science, but it’s also based entirely on empirical evidence, which makes it a bitch of a thing to study. Do you know how exhausting it is to write up a report using only qualitative data? Just thinking about it is giving me a headache.
Wow. Note that down for the record: I can still get headaches in here. But no alcohol. This is officially the world’s worst joke.
Anyway, I never did admit I don’t get how the fucking thing operates. I’d make some quip about taking it to my grave, but… well. I’m already there.
Alright. Focus up. I’m gonna need all my strength to fuck up the head honcho. Not before we get some answers, of course, because I’m gonna need the stats on this moon cult and what the hell they think they’re doing, but then it’s goodnight, Vienna. Hey, Umbra Staff?
Yes?
I hope you’re ready to go on the offensive.
Magic?
Oh, fuck yes. Magic like you wouldn’t believe.
That’s the elevator. Here we go. Deep breaths, girl. Or not, because—yeah. We’re gonna kick ass, take names, dismantle the moon cult, fix the boys and be out of here in time for dinner. I’ve gotten us out of worse scrapes than this.
Alive?
That’s—
No, no, no. No way. No FUCKING way. I’ve been in here too long, I’m just—I’m hallucinating. Auditory hallucinations. Wishful thinking. That isn’t—
That can’t be—
Lucretia.
What…
What did you just say?
Lucretia.
How do you know her name?
I am you.
But that’s not—my gods, that isn’t baby Luce, no. She—fuck, that can’t be her voice, that can’t be her, because she’d recognize the boys, SHE KNOWS THEM—
Lucretia.
That’s her.
I—
She’s… she’s behind this, somehow, and I—
I wanted to fucking kill her.
They don’t know it’s her. They don’t remember her. And if they don’t remember her, then they don’t remember the IPRE, or the mission, or me.
This is real, isn’t it?
Real.
She just said—
Davenport.
She just said Davenport.
He’s here. He’s here, and she just—what the fuck is she doing, ordering him around like that? Who does she think she is? Who—no, you know what, who the fuck is this? Because there’s no way this is—
LUCRETIA.
Madam Director?
This is… oh, gods, this is so wrong. WRONG. I’m in a parallel dimension or some shit. Because that’s Luce, and Dav, and Magnus and Merle and Taako and I still have no fucking idea where Barry is, or if he’s okay, and that’s not how this shit works, okay? This was supposed to be the world where things go right for once. Like, yeah, I fucked up, but I just do that, whatever, it’s fine—this was still supposed to work. And now I’m in a fucking pocket dimension and no one will tell me what the hell is going on because evidently, no one remembers I exist, including my own FUCKING BROTHER.
I was wrong.
I can’t do this.
Not alone.
Magic?
No. We’re not going on the offensive. Shit just got a lot more complicated. I just… I need to breathe and think this through.
Okay.
The boys got inoculated, and they do remember something—I dunno what, but it clearly doesn’t include the mission or the IPRE. Like… like there are layers to this whole lost memory deal. And they’ve peeled back one layer, but the second layer, the one with all the shit that matters, that’s still intact. Fisher’s responsible for the first layer, at least, because otherwise they’d have remembered anything. So the real mystery is with the second layer.
I mean, common sense says that there’s a second… what did they call it? Voidfish? That’s not a bad name, actually. I guess that would be possible if these things reproduce asexually, but we never really figured that out, huh?
Whatever. It’s a shot in the dark, but they all kinda are, aren’t they?
I’m so tired of being sidelined by this shit.
I mean, I’m hearing that Lucretia wants to destroy the gauntlet, which—I mean, hey, I’d like to obliterate that fuckin’ thing as much as the next person, but you don’t just destroy the Light of Creation. We all know it doesn’t go easy.
Light. Magic.
Yeah, and a whole lot of it, too. Which is why you can’t destroy it. We thought about it plenty on some of our worse cycles, but there’s just no way. Splitting it was hard enough.
Conclusion: Lucretia is lying.
Here’s what gets me, though. Something happened while I was away that made it so that she doesn’t trust these three to remember, and that’s a hard pill to swallow, considering everything we’ve been through. So whatever happened must’ve been bad. Like, apocalypse-level bad. Something that just went and K.O.’d the bond we all shared after a hundred years of saving each other’s asses. Something happened and Lucretia just… lost hope.
I have to accept that part of this is my fault.
I left, and everything went to hell. Granted, that’s more correlation than causation, but unfortunately guilt isn’t something you can science the shit out of.
This is a big fix, and I can’t do it alone.
Alone?
That’s the thing, though. I’m not. That’s my heart and his friends, right there, and my family, however fucked up they are, and… and Barry’s out there. Somewhere. And you and I, I guess we’ve got each other, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not crazy about this whole arrangement—but I don’t exactly have a choice right now, so that’s that.
I mean, I said it myself. There’s not much I can do from here—I tried to cast a spell and basically passed the fuck out. Doesn’t mean I’m about to lie down and give up, and you better believe I’ll be experimenting, but… well, as of now, the boys are pretty much on their own.
Conclusion: I have to put my faith in them.
I have to trust that somehow, some way, they’re going to be amazing.