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NonononononoNONONONO NO NO NO NO—
You are me.
No.
I am you.
Fucking NO, didn’t you hear me the first time?
You will serve. You will create. You will cast.
No, no, fuck you, no.
YOU WILL SERVE. YOU WILL CREATE. YOU WILL CAST.
Over my dead fucking body, you fucking—gods, figures my creation would be a stubborn piece of shit. Listen to me. I’m not gonna do shit for you. So stick it and let me concentrate, okay? I’m getting out of here whether you like it or not.
You are not like the others.
No shit.
You will serve.
Do you ever shut up?
Good. That’s better.
Fucking hell, this is hard. And I thought being a lich was difficult.
It’s dark.
No, don’t think about that. Don’t think about it. Doesn’t matter. You’ve been in worse situations than this before. And how many of those did you escape?
Ah… okay, don’t think about how many of them you escaped. Or didn’t escape. Whatever. Besides, it could be worse. You could be dead for real.
I will say, though, that losing all five of your senses fucking sucks. At least it’ll make for a good story. “Hey, Lup, what’s it like to not have any awareness of your surroundings, your body, or the passage of time?” And I’ll say, “What a bizarrely specific question! I’m glad you asked. It really fucking sucks. I wouldn’t recommend it, even for the shits and giggles. Don’t do it. Not… not fun.”
It’s dark.
I can’t see.
I can’t see I can’t hear I can’t feel I can’t breathe I don’t know what’s happening I’m falling apart I don’t want this no no no where is everyone please put me back I just want to be back in my body PLEASE—
This is really bad.
I mean, I’ve fucked up before, but I don’t see a way out of this one. The Umbra Staff doesn’t have a fucking back door. I should have—I should have been dissolved on entry. I didn’t design this thing to preserve consciousness.
Well. I guess that’s magic for you.
I miss Taako.
I miss Barry.
I miss my family.
You can serve them.
Shut. The hell. Up. You don’t get to talk when I’m having a moment.
I miss them so fucking much.
Time to science the shit out of this thing.
The Umbra Staff collects and preserves magical energy. I’m a lich, so my consciousness is tied to my arcane essence, which explains why I’m not chopped up four ways to Sunday. That’s good. That means I don’t have to worry about this thing absorbing me. Ha! Take that.
You will serve.
I wasn’t talking to you. By the way, you could get a little creative with your whole “YOU-WILL-SERVE” mantra, y’know? It’s getting old, my friend.
You will cast.
Oh, you fucking bet I will, as soon as I get my godsdamned hands back.
Right.
My hands.
Actually, let’s forget about the hands. Can I fucking see, for starters? That would be great. Not that I’m not into eternal blackness, because I am—super goth and all that—but it’s getting a little boring up in here.
Okay. Okay. I can do this.
Deep breaths, girl. You got this.
It’s like what Taako does. Transmute the blackness away. There’s not nothing, you’re just… blind.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I’M TAKING MY SIGHT BACK, THAT’S FUCKING WHAT.
YOU ARE ME. I AM YOU. THERE IS NO NEED.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
Ow.
Fuck.
I really don’t want to do that four more times.
One at a time, just… take it easy. I can—oh, fuck, shit, nevermind, not happening today. I’m gonna take a break. That’s enough for now.
I can actually see.
Holy shit.
It’s… wow, it’s drab as hell in here. I kind of expected more, what with this being a storage unit for raw arcane energy, but I guess that’s the minimalist aesthetic for you.
Taako would know how to brighten up this place.
Who is Taako?
He’s from the island of Nunya.
Nunya…?
Nunya business.
Does Taako want to cast?
What kind of question is—yes, of course Taako wants to cast. He’s a wizard. A fucking brilliant one, too.
DOES TAAKO WANT TO SERVE?
NO. YOU FUCKING TOUCH TAAKO, I RIP US BOTH APART. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I SAID, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Yes.
Good.
Okay. What sense am I trying for today?
I mean, hearing is the obvious choice. I might as well go for it. I’m not real crazy about rolling around in a bunch of curtains, and I doubt I’m going to taste or smell much from in here. If I can hear, I might be able to figure out where I am. The obvious answer is I’m still in that fucking cave, but I don’t know how long—
How long I’ve—
No. NO. Don’t think about it. Don’t.
My point is… to myself… that I need to hear. Hey, Umbra Staff?
Yes?
I want my fuckin’ ears back.
WHY DO YOU TRY?
BECAUSE I’M NOT DONE FIGHTING, GODS DAMN IT.
That was… not as bad as the whole sight thing.
Maybe I’m getting better at this.
Okay, so, I hear something dripping. Water. Duh. And an echo… that’s got to be stone. I am most definitely in the cave. Can’t say I’m surprised, but I was kinda hoping for a miracle there.
That dripping is driving me fucking insane.
Something moving.
A critter?
No, smaller.
A spider?
Alright, I can’t do this anymore. I have to make some more progress or I am going to LOSE MY MIND.
This’ll be a big one.
Touch and taste? No… touch and smell, I think. A double whammy. This isn’t gonna feel so hot, but I’m not gonna keep doing it one by one. I really don’t feel like spending forever on this shit.
Do not resist.
Oh, hello again. I thought you’d fucked off for good.
I am you.
Yeah, yeah, I got the gist. Listen. I want two of my senses back this time. I’m telling you right now, it’s gonna hurt like hell, but it might hurt less if you work with me.
I cannot serve myself.
That sounds a hell of a lot like selfishness, my friend. And I’m not you. Get that through your thick skull. Or, uh… whatever umbrellas have.
I cannot serve myself.
Okay, if you’re gonna go all broken record on me, I’m just gonna do this thing. Three, two—
Wait wait WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.
What?
Be wise.
Is that your way of telling me to be safe?
Be wise.
O-kay. Be wise. Got it. Just gonna gouge two shards of my sensory consciousness out of your composite essence. Gotta be smart about that.
Be wise.
Yes. Okay. I got it, I got you.
Okay.
Three, two—
OH GODS THIS WAS A MISTAKE NO STOP NO I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T DO IT PLEASE STOP NO PLEASE STOP THE HURT STOP IT—
please
How long has it been?
Time has passed.
Wow, thanks for that, babe. Genius scientist over here, I think I can conclude that time has passed without your help.
Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap. It’s just that I’m aching like hell.
Oh, shit.
I’m aching.
I can feel. I can feel that. I can FEEL. This hurts like a motherfucker and it’s AMAZING.
It fucking worked. Thank the gods. Thank everything.
Huh. You know what?
This place was specifically designed as a pocket dimension, where the laws of nature don’t apply and arcane baddies can’t do their thing. But it’s not linked to any particular planar system, and I’m not from this one, anyway.
So, logically, there are no gods here.
I am here.
I’m not going to say “thank you” every time I do something kickass. Between the two of us, I’m the only one who’s actually done shit. I deserve some credit, y’know?
Thank me.
Thank you?
Yeah, thank me. I’ve kept myself sane this whole time, and I’ve got four out of the five senses locked and loaded. Thank ME. THANK ME.
THANK YOU. YOU CREATE. YOU CAST.
HELL YEAH.
YOUR POWER.
MY POWER.
YOU ARE ME.
AND I AM YOU, SO YOUR POWER—
MY POWER IS YOUR POWER.
MY POWER. MINE. MINE, MINE, MINE, MY—
MY—
What just…
What did I…?
Okay, fuck you.
You are me. I am you.
Well, then, fuck me, I guess. Don’t give me any of that bullshit again. You tried to get me to lose it just then. For GOOD.
Your power.
Yeah. MINE. Not yours. You want your essence back, you’re gonna have to fight me for it, hon. Until then, we’re stuck with each other.
Not gonna dignify me with a response, huh? Fine by me. Get the fuck out and stay out. Good riddance.
It’s been a hot second since I’ve checked up on the cave.
Still drippy and echoey. I don’t know what I expected.
I wish I could get drunk.
I miss alcohol. I miss food. I miss having my own two hands to do shit. I miss not having to fight a consciousness made of arcane power to, I don’t know, feel a fucking headache when it’s coming on. I miss my family so much that it hurts, and wouldn’t you know it, I have to fight for that, too. I miss being alive. I miss the world.
I MISS MY FAMILY.
Alright.
Pull yourself together. They’re a bunch of scientists, for crying out loud. They’d jump at the chance to get inside a magical artifact—like, literally, actually inside one. When I get out, they’ll want to know everything. So I need to take this chance to observe. Besides, I’ve got four out of five senses down, and I’m going to be out of commission for awhile… let’s make the most of that time.
Okay.
We’ve got a room. Not really a room. More of a space. Interior decorating could be better. I can’t take a look behind those curtains just yet, but that’s something to work on. In the meantime…
It seems like the only sense I can use on the outside is my hearing. That’s nice. Kinda wish I could see, but I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. The extent of my hearing, that’s what’s inconsistent. Sometimes everything sounds fuzzy, other times it’s crystal-clear. Maybe I can make that better with time.
Nothing from the outside seems like it’s affecting the environment on the inside. It’s room temperature in here, I guess? Whatever room temperature is? But I’m not uncomfortable. I’m guessing the cave is freezing. So there you go, it could be worse.
What else? I’ll need to continue this once I get myself a body. A manifestation, whatever. I’m getting a little tired of being incorporeal. Been there, done that, y’know?
You wish for a form?
Wasn’t talking to you.
A form is not necessary to serve.
Nothing in life is necessary. You do things for the hell of it or not at all. Merle Highchurch.
Who is Merle Highchurch?
A friend. He says stuff like that all the time. Anyway, I wasn’t talking to you, backstabber. Nobody said I need a form, but I’m sure as hell going to try for it, and if you don’t like that then you need to help me make this easier.
It hurts.
Yeah, it fucking hurts me, too. But I can’t science my way out of this thing without a body and my sense of taste. Well—okay, maybe my sense of taste. But I’m not into the whole hypogeusia scene. That’s Barry’s deal, and I love him to pieces, but he eats the weirdest shit.
Oh, you know what? That’s another thing.
I’m not hungry.
Okay, Umbra Staff, here’s the deal. We’re gonna go for another combo. Two for one special.
NO.
Let me finish, okay? It’ll be an exchange. I get a body, or a form, or whatever, and my sense of taste. And in return, I give you a little bit of my magic. I’ll just use my body to conjure up a little something. You can do whatever you want with it.
Magic?
Oh, that caught your attention, huh? Yeah. I’m an incredibly powerful wizard, if I do say so myself. You’re okay with a little fire, I’ll light this place the fuck up. Gotta say, no offense, but I’m kinda feeling it right now.
MAGIC.
Yeah. Lots and lots of magic. I’ve got it all at my fingertips—I just, uh, need some actual fingers.
AGREED.
Somebody’s eager. Okay. We do my end of the deal first, then when I’m back in commission, I’ll cast that spell for you. Got it?
AGEEED. AGREED AGREED AGREED.
O-kay, then. I guess we’re doing this now.
Fuck.
No, you got this. You can do this. Don’t think about it, just—
Just rush in.
Where are you?
I CHANGED MY MIND. I CHANGED MY MIND, I CHANGED MY MIND! DO YOU HEAR ME? I CHANGED MY MI—
Where… are you?
Where is the magic?
Fuck. Fucking hell. Fucking gods, fuck me, fuck everything, fuck, I’m…
I’m crying?
You really came through.
Where is the magic?
I, uh…
I’m sorry. If that’s what it felt like every time I… took something from you.
That was fucking horrific.
Where is the magic?
You and your one-track mind.
THE MAGIC?
Can you just… give me a second? My head feels like it’s splitting in half.
I have a head. And hands, and legs, and…
I look like me.
Well—okay, duh, who else would I look like?
That’s a stupid question too. I’m full of ’em today.
Can I stand?
Okay. That’s a yes. Feeling good so far. I’ve got, um… holy shit, it’s my IPRE robe. Gotta represent even in the pocket dimensions, I guess.
And my clothes, and…
MAGIC?
COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME A SEC? THANKS.
I missed having a body so much.
Says the lich.
I guess this would count as incorporeal, but it seems pretty damn corporeal to me. Or would you classify it as corporeal because it’s made of the same stuff this dimension is? Material physics are impossible here.
Why do I feel so…?
Oh.
I’m not used to rematerializing without them.
Alright, I’ve got this whole body thing down, time to get to the magic.
MAGIC. MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC.
What did I say? One-track mind.
Okay. Haven’t taken a trip to the ol’ school of evocation in awhile. Or whatever “awhile” is. Since I was out there in the world.
My last spell…
That Rockseeker guy.
He’ll have incinerated himself by now. Fucking idiot.
Doesn’t matter. Magic. Let’s do some casting. What’s your poison, Umbra Staff? I dunno if I’ve got a Fireball in me after all, but I can probably manage some Prestidigitation, no big.
MAGIC.
Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say.
Deep breath. Okay, more notes for the fam when I get out—it’s fucking electric in here. Like, this entire place is statically charged. I think my hair is standing on end. This thing really, really likes magic.
So, then, here we go. Prestidigitation. Just a couple’a sparks, I think. I’d ask this thing to wait up while I get some R-and-R, but it’s way too jazzed.
Three. Two. One.
MAGIC.
THANK YOU.
SERVE CAST CREATE—
ALIVE.
ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE.
I need a fucking nap.
Lup’s log, which really needs a better name—because I’m not too crazy about the alliteration—day however-the-fuck-time-works-in-here. I’m still completely exhausted. That was like burning an eighth-level spell slot on fucking Prestidigitation. Remember how I said the laws of nature and arcane interaction don’t apply in here? I think that might not be the greatest thing for me.
Here’s the deal. When I’m casting spells in here, as near as I can figure, I’m burning up a little bit of my arcane essence. Technically that shouldn’t be possible, because you can’t really chip away at magic—it’s either there or it’s not. But the Umbra Staff itself doesn’t have a connection to the plane of magic, right? It needs a caster to act as a conduit between the two. Without a caster, the only source of magic in here is… me. Pocket dimension and all that.
The good news is that I can replenish myself. There’s enough magic floating around in here to build me back up, so to speak, but it’s taking for-fucking-ever. If—no, not if, but when someone finds me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to signal them. And that’s…
That’s not good.
Yeah.
But I’ve got all five of my senses back, plus a rockin’ bod, so I think I’ve earned myself a little downtime. I’ll rest up, get my energy back, maybe practice casting a little something and try not to pass out afterwards.
Hope you’re happy.
Full.
Okay, that’s creepy. I wish I hadn’t asked.
Lup’s scientific and observational record—yeah, I like that a lot better—day I’m-getting-really-godsdamned-tired-of-guessing-at-this-shit. I’m starting to understand how Lucretia must have felt. Paying attention to detail is a lot harder than we all gave her credit for.
Speaking of details. I’m still really, really tired. Not as drained as I was yesterday, but I get the feeling whether I lie around or not isn’t going to affect the process. The totally bizarre part of all of this is that if I really concentrate, I can feel the magic repairing me. It’s this prickling in my abdomen, and it doesn’t hurt, it’s just… like a heartbeat. Like once you notice it, it’s impossible to not notice, and it’s weird and invasive and I don’t know if I like it. Whatever. This is good research. Doesn’t matter if I’m not crazy about it.
What else? Uh… checked up on the cave awhile ago. Quiet as the dead.
Ha.
I’d take that joke a step further and say quiet as the undead, but I’m undead and I never shut up, so…
Barry too.
Gods, once you get him going about something he loves, he gets all sparkly-eyed and rambly and he’ll go on for ages. I miss his sweet little rants. I miss him. You better believe I’m gonna smooch his fucking brains out when I see him again.
Oh.
Well.
That’s one more reason to work towards getting my corporeal body back.
I think boredom might actually be worse than burning myself up for spell slots.
And now I’m hearing things. Fantastic.
Wait.
No.
I don’t fucking hallucinate. I definitely heard something.
There it is again. What the fuck?
Magic.
What?
What did you just say?
MAGIC.
I—
LET ME OUT.
LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, PLEASE, GODS, LET ME OUT, YOU HAVE TO—
that’s my baby brother please
Merle. Magnus. Taako, oh my gods, Taako, please, Taako, PLEASE, I’M RIGHT HERE, PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE—
MAGIC. MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC.
I FUCKING KNOW, THAT’S MY FAMILY, THAT’S—
Where’s everyone else?
What IS that?
Detect magic.
What the fuck are they—what is going ON? This is—
This isn’t right, this is—
They don’t recognize me.
How the fuck do they not recognize me? This is insane, this is—gods, it’s been a hundred years and then some, how can they just…
forget?
He wants. We will serve.
M—Merle? Oh… no. I don’t think so.
HE WANTS.
No. We need Taako.
HE WANTS.
YEAH, WELL, HE AIN’T GETTING THIS GIRL.
Oh, shi—
Oh.
Oh, gods.
Sorry, Merle.
Fuck, that sounds like it hurt. Or that could be his theatrics, I honestly can’t tell at this point. I hope I didn’t scare them off.
No. Who am I kidding? Of course he’s gonna reach for the fucking thing.
Taako. Gods, sweetie, I missed you so much.
There’s something in his voice. This isn’t the Taako I know. They’re not… they’re not themselves. Did something happen? How long have I been in here?
SNAP OUT OF IT, FOR GODS’ SAKE. IT’S ME.
I—
MAGIC.
Yes.
Magic.
Taako’s magic.
MY HEART.
Alive.
Look at me. Babe, please.
I don’t understand any of this. I fucking hate it. But I know one thing for damn sure, which is that I’m not going anywhere—not as long as I’m trapped in this arcane gothic hellhole. So you better believe I’m making the most out of that.
You three always did need a competent woman, didn’t you?
Taako, you have me.
You have me.
YOU HAVE ME.
I promise I won’t ever leave you again.