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"What the hell is your problem?" Matt seethed. Kelly had just burst into his apartment uninvited and Matt was understandably not pleased.
"My problem is that you're such a fucking pain in my ass," Kelly explained in annoyance, "Always gotta act like you're all that, that you're so much better." He looked angry, furious even. But Matt couldn't begin to understand why, last time they'd talked everything seemed fine.
Matt hated when people were angry with him, it reminded him too much of growing up. When his dad would yell at him for any little thing, his breath smelling of alcohol, his fists always ready to dance.
"I didn't do anything." Matt argued, realizing how much he sounded like the little Matthew Casey from twenty years ago.
"Hell you didn't," Kelly scoffed loudly, roughly carding a hand through his hair. "You almost killed me today, is that your specialty now?" He asked gruffly, "Getting your friends killed? First Andy—"
"Sev..." Matt spoke his name quietly, his big blue eyes in a world of pain.
"Don't fucking Sev me," Kelly uttered furiously, an edge of venom in his voice, "You know it's your fault, everything's your fault."
"I didn't do any—" Matt was shaking his head vigorously.
"Just own up to what you've done." Kelly yelled frustratedly. Before he could even think about what he was doing, Kelly was in front of Matt and sending his fist flying.
His fist hit Matt square in the face and Kelly felt regret the moment he began pulling back. The world around them halted to a stop and the only thing either of them were able to experience was the heart shattering feeling of shock.
Matt flew backwards into the wall, collapsing in a heap on the floor. Blood immediately started flowing from his nose, dripping across his lips and onto his white shirt. Tears mingled with the red substance a moment later, his heart began racing and he suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe.
"I'm s-sorry, D-Dad—" He sobbed heavily, his shaky hands tightly gripping at the hair on his head. He rocked back and forth, his eyes closed tightly. "I didn't mean to—"
If Kelly's heart didn't just shatter.
Kelly shook his head, already hating himself for getting too out of control. He gingerly knelt down in front of the man. "You okay?"
Matt became despondent and was suddenly unresponsive in every way. He was back there, back on the floor of the basement, his dad towering over his weak, battered body. That excuse of a man beating him until he didn't know which way was up.
Kelly was panicking in every way as he hesitantly reached out. He didn't miss the fact that Matt had addressed him as his father; a man who had long since passed, but had obviously left open wounds in his wake. He knew about Matt's past, in fact, Kelly was pretty sure he was the only one in a 200 mile radius who knew. It had been a burden that had been weighing Matt down for years and when Kelly and Andy finally got it out of him, they each took some of that weight onto their own shoulders. For Matt. Because Matt was their best friend in those days, those good old days, and they looked after their own. Though it had been a silent promise, Kelly and Andy both solemnly swore to protect Matt from his inner demons.
Once Andy had passed, the promise should have lived on through Kelly, but instead he pushed Matt away. He did the opposite of everything he should have done. He blamed Matt for their loss because somehow it was just easier. Suddenly Andy's death wasn't so hard to grasp because then there was a reason, it wasn't just some accident that couldn't have been prevented. Kelly could hurl all his grief and pent up emotions at Matt, take it out on him, because then he could feel like he was doing something besides wallowing in his own sadness. It didn't really make him feel better, if he thought about it, in fact it made him feel worse to push Matt away and rip at him like that.
Kelly held Matt's shoulder tightly, unsure how to make it better; how to fix the situation. Matt shrugged off Kelly's grip, whimpering at the touch. As he looked at the man in front of him, all he could see was his dad, so he shut his eyes tightly. "Please no more.." He mumbled barely audibly.
"Shit." Kelly whispered as he stood up, "I didn't mean..."
Matt waited and waited for the next hit, but when he finally opened his eyes, he didn't see Kelly. He would have almost believed there hadn't been anyone in his place, if not for the wide open door and the river of blood across the front of his shirt. He heard some noises coming from the bathroom that told him Kelly was grabbing something.
Matt's hands were shaking noticeably but he couldn't be bothered to care. He was still in a weird place, half of him was in his father's basement, half of him was creeping back into reality. But he wasn't totally in either realm; he felt shook about everything.
Using the wall for support, Matt attempted to stand. Of course, he was in no condition to be going anywhere, but he had to try. Had to move because no one cared about him, no one would help him, he was alone. Just like always.
Matt just had to screw things up for himself again. Severide was probably right, everything was his fault, Matt always had to ruin everything.
Matt ended up collapsing to the hardwood floor mere moments after he'd pushed himself up. Matt didn't have the energy to fight, to try harder. He just lay there on the floor, blood mixed with tears, puddling on the ground.
Matt spent a long moment laying there. Just thinking, wondering if he should follow through on the thoughts he'd lately been having, if maybe he should end it all. Severide had essentially proved that he would be doing he world a favour if he did. He definitely wouldn't be endangering anyone else, and at least there was some comfort in that. Just as Matt was about to try getting up again, Kelly reappeared, holding a damp cloth in one hand, and a wad of paper towel in the other.
"Casey," He murmured, "I'm so sorry, please can you just– can you let me help?" He requested in a small voice, ashamed of the state he'd put Matt in. He was better than this, he wasn't such a bad person.
Matt's eyes were sad and dull, and Kelly noticed that they wouldn't make contact with his own. Every time Kelly tried to reach out, Matt would just flinch away.
Kelly was frowning as he looked at Matt, unsure what to do. He was about to reach out again when Matt pulled back, the blonde winced painfully as he got himself back into a sitting position, his back against the wall. Kelly decided just to sit beside him, his back also against the wall, leaving a solid two feet between them.
"I'm sorry, man. I don't know what happened.." Kelly began, "I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt—... you're my best friend... Andy– he's not your fault, I hope you know that. I said a lot of things I didn't mean, a lot of things that aren't true. I don't know why I'm such an asshole, why I went on that stupid rampage. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I just miss him, you know? I miss him and I've been carrying around all these pent up feeling and I finally just burst. That's not an excuse, I'll never forgive myself for hitting you. I promise you right now, that'll never happen again, I just— fuck, I just don't want to lose you too."
Matt had been listening to Kelly's words very carefully, letting the soft voice ground him in reality. He didn't say anything though, just silently pondered what had just happened.
Kelly kept talking which slowly pulled Matt from the basement, up the stairs, and out the front door of that place. He frowned softly as he listened to Kelly talk about this and that, and everything in between.
After hours had passed, he began feeling quite tired so he silently dozed, unintentionally falling to the side and landing his head in Kelly's lap. Matt startled awake as soon as his head made contact with Kelly's legs, but before he could pull away, Kelly gently ran a hand across the man's shoulder blades. It was soothing to Matt, in some weird sense. Kelly played with the blond's hair, pushing it back slowly and carding his fingers through the soft fluff. He continued talking because that's all he knew how to do, and before he knew it, he'd put Matt to sleep. Though Kelly's ass hurt and his back was killing him, he stayed where he was.
An hour later when Matt begun stirring, Severide gently helped him wake up. He seemed to be quite out of it, but he was able to stand up on his own anyways. Matt gradually found his way to the bathroom and Kelly followed hesitantly; he wanted to make sure Matt didn't collapse again.
"You can leave." Matt mumbled as he took off his bloodstained shirt.
Kelly shrugged, watching as the blonde began addressing the dried blood on his face and neck. "If you want me to."
"Just go." Matt sighed, splashing some cold water on his face.
"But—" Kelly began.
"Go."
Reluctantly, Kelly stepped away, leaving the apartment.
5 days later
There was a knock on Matt's door around lunch time. There might have been a time when Matt would've quickly tidied up before answering the door, but he'd recently been in a low. So he left the messy collection of beer bottles on his coffee table and sent a slurred shout, "'s open."
He could care less if there were robbers at his door, they could take all his shit and kill him and he'd be fine with that. In fact, he almost wished it would happen, it'd surely save him a pile of trouble.
With a mere moment's passing, the door slowly creaked open, leaving a surprised Kelly in sight.
"Come ta hit me 'gain?" Matt drunkenly inquired.
Kelly shook his head, trying to hide his shame. He wasn't here for that, or for himself, he was here to check on Matt. "You haven't been to work last two shifts." He murmured softly, closing the door behind him.
Matt shrugged, "Haven't b'n feelin' well."
Kelly noticed that the punch he'd made to Matt's face had done some real damage. He had a black eye, his nose was a few different shades of green and yellow, and he couldn't help but notice the bloodshot eyes and exhausted features. From the looks of it, Kelly doubted that the man had slept more than a few hours since he'd seen him last.
"What's wrong?" Kelly asked gingerly, stepping further into the apartment.
Matt snorted, laughing drunkenly, "Why would you care?"
"Because, I care about you."
Matt couldn't help himself as he burst out in giggles, "You don' care."
Kelly looked down to the ground for a moment to avoid looking into Matt's broken blue eyes. "I do." He murmured under his breath, too soft for Matt's desensitized ears to hear.
"So, why are you actually here?" Matt slurred, his tone becoming more serious.
"Needed to make sure you were okay." Kelly shrugged, moving a box of empty beer bottles to the floor so he could sit on the couch.
"Tell me the truth." Matt frowned, sobering up a little, "If you wanted to make sure I was okay, then you wouldn't have fucking left when I told you to leave." Matt's eyes were watering as he spoke, "So why the fuck are you here."
"You told me to go..?" Kelly expressed in confusion.
"But I needed you."
"But I punched you."
"I needed you long before you punched me, Severide."
"Why could you have possibly needed me? I'm not good for you, Matt."
"Because I love you. How are you so oblivious to the fact that I love you??"
"You..?—"
"I hate it," Matt set his half empty bottle on the coffee table, burying his head in his hands, "I hate that every time you walk into a room, my heart skips a beat, every time I see you I want to kiss you... I hate that when you hurt me, it hurts ten-thousand times worse than if anyone else hurts me. It breaks me, because whenever I need someone to be there for me, it can never be you because you'll move on, you'll find some girl to make you happy, and I'll be alone... I hate that I love you, because I know you'll never love me back."
"Matt, I—" Kelly stammered.
"Don't bother." Matt shook his head, "Forget I ever said anything." He picked up his bottle and quickly left the room, heading toward his bedroom. Kelly quickly got up to follow, "Matt wait." He called out.
Matt went into his room, closing the door behind him and locking it. Kelly was just a millisecond too late, and almost had the door slam in his face.
"Matt," he breathed, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against the door. "Open up."
"Leave Severide, there's no reason for you to be here."
"But there is." Kelly argued, his voice nearly breaking.
"Just forget what I said, really, do both of us that favour." Matt spoke dully.
"I'm staying here until you let me in. Until you give me a chance."
By some damn miracle the door flew open. "Just go awa—"
Matt was interrupted before he could finish because the second the door was open far enough, Kelly had let himself in. He was grabbing Matt's stumbling form and pulling him near. He couldn't help but hold him close, despite the fact he smelled of cheap beer and felt fragile in his arms. Kelly couldn't stop himself as he wrapped their bodies together. He was pleasantly surprised to feel Matt embracing him back tightly.
"I want to kiss you," Kelly spoke against Matt's neck, "But I want to wait until you're sober."
Matt pulled back quickly, his face full of confusion, "Why do you want to kiss me? You're not gay."
Kelly couldn't help but chuckle, "Matthew Casey, I want to kiss you because I've been waiting years to kiss you."
"But I killed Andy." He spoke so innocently, so softly; his eyes betraying how worried he felt inside.
"No," Kelly shook his head firmly, "No, you didn't. I shouldn't have blamed you, and you shouldn't blame yourself."
"But I killed him." Matt sighed softly, staring at the floor. "I almost killed you too, I'm such a burden." He spoke as if he was surprising himself with what he was saying, like he hadn't realized what he'd become. He sighed in pure disappointment at himself as he sat heavily on the edge of his bed.
"No, buddy," Kelly frowned, pulling up a chair and sitting in front of Matt. "Listen to me, okay?"
Matt nodded, small traces of his frown still present.
"You did not kill Andy. You did not kill me. And you're not a burden." Kelly spoke slowly and made sure every word was getting through to the man in front of him.
"I don't know if I'm ready to believe that." Matt shrugged, avoiding Kelly's gaze.
"I'll keep telling you 'til you are ready." Kelly smiled.
Matt looked up sheepishly, glancing at Kelly adoringly.
"How's the face?" Kelly asked softly, reaching out to run a thumb across Matt's cheek.
"It's fine." Matt instinctively parted his lips at the physical contact.
"I'm sorry again, I should never have—"
"Stop." Matt shook his head, smiling bravely, "You shouldn't be the one apologizing."
"Actually, I am." Kelly raised an eyebrow, "I hit you, and that wasn't okay. Nobody is ever allowed to hit you, especially me. It's never ever going to happen again, I promise you." Kelly spoke sincerely, reaching out to grab Matt's hand.
Kelly intertwined their fingers, squeezing tightly. "I promise." He murmured, "I'll never hurt you again. Not ever."
"It's fine if you do..." Matt mumbled.
"No," Kelly shook his head, "Don't ever let anyone hurt you, if they try I'll kill 'em."
"You can't kill people for hurting me." Matt smiled wearily.
"I'll do anything to make it up to you."
"It's already forgiven, forgotten." Matt shrugged, yawning silently.
Kelly smiled at Matt, "You should get some sleep. You look exhausted."
Matt nodded, "Lay with me?" He murmured, crawling up the bed and sneaking under the blankets.
Kelly grinned, following the man and getting under the covers along with him. Kelly reached out and pulled Matt into his arms, kissing the top of his head. Matt allowed himself the pleasure of burning his face into Kelly's chest and inhaling deeply.
He suddenly propped himself up on his elbow, "Are you sure you're not just here because— ...are you in my bed just because you feel guilty?"
"No, I'm in your bed because I want to be. But if you want me to go..."
"I don't," Matt shook his head, pausing shortly, "But if you're here because you feel obligated... Then I don't want you to be here."
"C'mere," Kelly murmured, pulling Matt back to his chest. "I want to be here, I really do."
Matt hid his smile against Kelly's warm comfort, unable to help himself as his eyes fluttered closed. "I don't want to sleep." Matt mumbled exhaustedly.
"Why?" Kelly asked, lightly drawing patterns on Matt's back.
"Because maybe I'm already asleep and I'm dreaming. I don't want this dream to end."
"This is real, Matt. I promise I'll still be here when you wake up."
"Promise?" Matt whispered almost inaudibly.
"Promise."
And with that, Matt finally let himself drift off to sleep.