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Bellamy swings forward, his fist making contact with the makeshift punching bag. His entire body is sweaty from hours of training. His muscles ache, but he ignores the pain and keeps at his hits. It's the only thing to that can distract him these days- aggression.
Inhale, right swing.
Exhale, left swing.
His heart is pumping in his ears. It's so loud he doesn't hear his name being called until Raven is standing right next to him.
"Hey! Bellamy," she says.
He stops swinging and holds the bag in place.
"What do you want, Raven?"
She steps back once.
"I was just letting you know everyone's eating dinner, so if you're hungry-"
"I'm not," he grumbles, pushing his wet hair out of his eyes.
"Ok, grouch," she mumbles, throwing her hands up, "what's been up with you these last few weeks?"
He clenches his teeth, and looks away from her.
"Nothing."
Raven senses something is off with him, and tilts her head to the side to look at him in the eyes.
"Bellamy, you can talk to me. If this is about Clarke-"
"Don't. Don't say her name," he whispers, walking away from Raven to get a drink of water.
She hesitates to follow.
"You loved her, Bellamy. It's okay to fall apart a little."
His jaw ticks, his cup of water never reaching his mouth. He turns his head just enough to see Raven from his peripheral vision. She's still a few feet away.
"You don't know what you're talking about," he mumbles.
"In case you forgot, I'm pretty good with chemical reactions. Besides, it doesn't take a scientist to-"
"You done?" he asks, looking down to his cup. He's in no mood for Raven humor.
Raven swallows, her playful smirk fading from her face. She begins to walk closer to Bellamy,trying to understand how he's feeling.
"One thing im not good at is mind reading. So if I did something to upset you, you're going to have to tell me," she says.
Bellamy chugs his water and sets the cup back down. He turns to her, his face full of tension.
"The more I think about, the more it becomes your fault."
Raven furrows her brows, shaking her head.
"What are you-"
"If you would have just came with us in the first place, we wouldn't have had to go back for you. Clarke wouldn't have had to fix the dish, and we would all be safe in the bunker."
Raven's mouth falls open.
"You're blaming me for Clarke?" she asks, completely shocked.
Bellamy doesn't respond.
"What happened to her isn't my fault-"
"No. But it's your fault we had to go back and get you last minute."
Her face falls. The more she thinks about, the more she believes it herself. Bellamy is glaring at her, His hands in fists at his side. It's a perfect representation of predator and prey.
"I didn't know I could fix my brain, Bellamy. If I didn't stay there I would be dead right now."
Bellamy shakes his head, holding back a response he will regret and overall doesn't mean.
"If Clarke didn't take over the damn bunker she wouldn't have came with me to make up for it," he says, looking off somewhere to the side.
"Don't do that, Bellamy. Stop trying to blame someone for what happened. You and I both know that if you volunteered, guilty or not, Clarke would have gone with you either way. It's what you guys did. Looked out for each other. And what happened to her isn't anyone's fault."
Bellamy holds his breath for a moment, and then releases it in a big sigh. He pinches the bridge of his nose and turns away. He doesn't want Raven to him falter.
"Come on. You haven't eaten all day," she coos softly.
He drops his hand and nods. He should get something in his stomach before he gets sick.
"I'm sorry. For blaming you."
"Don't apologize. There's a lot of things we all wish could have been different. And if we really try, we could blame every little thing for what happened to her. Don't beat yourself up placing blame, Bellamy. She wouldn't want you to do that."
His chest feels like it's collapsing, but he holds composure. He wishes it didn't hurt hearing things like that. He hates talking about her in past tense.
"She…she could have survived. As far as we know, Clarke could still be alive."
He's looking at Raven with hopeful eyes. She shakes her head sadly.
"There's no way she could have survived the death wave. As much as we all wish."
"The nightblood. It could have worked-"
"I was there when they were testing it. The guy practically melted before they even reached the radiation levels that are down there now. It doesn't work."
Bellamy feels desperate for straws. He knows he's reaching, but he doesn't want to lose hope.
"No… It's Clarke. She found a way; she always does."
"This wasn't like the grounders or the mountain men or A.L.I.E. There's nothing she could have done to stop it. You can't negotiate with a storm."
Bellamy feels his heart lie shattered in his chest. He knew it was impossible for her to survive, but he couldn't help himself from staying up at night thinking of every way she could have lived. It breaks his heart all over again hearing someone prove him wrong- especially that someone being Raven. She was the most logical of the bunch.
Bellamy nods, running a dry hand over his mouth.
"I'm sorry, Bellamy…"
He looks to the ground.
"It's no ones fault, right?"
Raven smiles sadly and nods.
"Let's go get something in your stomach," she suggests in a lighter tone.
Bellamy wants to decline, but he knows he needs to keep himself healthy if he wants to run things properly. That being physically and mentally.
Even if it means he has to stop obsessing over the possibility of Clarke being alive.
He owes her that much.
Clarke has her back resting against the tire of the rover. She made it to Arkadia, but the entire structure was a disaster. Debris covered the surrounding area, only the rooms at ground level survived. She gathered what she could from there, but it wasn't much. She knew she had to keep moving If she wanted to find out if any vegetation survived the storm. So far she hasn't had any luck- not even a single leaf, but she refuses to stop looking.
She has a pocket knife in one hand, her other hand has a hold on a rifle she picked up from the supply shed. It rests on her knees, wobbling slightly as she carves names into it. It seems as if only the voices of all the lives she took and silent radio calls can keep her sane anymore. If she stops having hope that her friends are alive, and if she forgets that her mom is underground waiting for her, she's afraid she will go crazy. It's unbelieve how awful it feels to be alone for so long, but she has to pull through… for them. After all, this is only the beginning.
She sighs, running a thumb over the words MOUNT WEATHER. It's ironic how they wanted to live out here so bad, only for it to be destroyed by more radiation not even those they drained for blood could withstand. She stops running her thumb and sets her weapons aside, looking up to the vast wasteland in front of her.
She isn't sure where she is, but from the outline of rock foundations she's guesses it must have been an old village. Pieces of walls still stand, crumbled and nearly toppled over. Its depressing to look at, and even more depressing to be the only one forced to.
She looks to the side of her, down to one of the notepads she found in the surviving rooms. She felt lucky to have found some art supplies. It's been so long since she's had the spare time to practice art, and she has many subjects to sketch- some already started.
The book is currently open to a drawing of her mom. It seemed like the best way to remember all the faces of her friends and the people she loves, but it hurts like hell to think about them. She misses them. She's stuck in a space between everyone she cares about, and it drives her crazy knowing they're out there somewhere and she's unable to reach them.
But for now, she has her rifle, her rover, and a sketch book with Bellamy and Abby inside. And as of now, that's all she can ask for.
She sighs and flips the pad shut before she stands. The sun is going to set soon, so she decides she'll make camp here tonight. All her things are placed in the back of the rover, and then she climbs in herself. It's become a daily routine, so naturally she's left the back doors open and already began to set up the radio.
"Bellamy…It's been 70 days since Praimfaya."
She looks up at the sky beyond. Its pale orange and darkening from the day end. She searches around, as if she expects to see the ring from all the way down here.
"Don't worry. You're not missing much. The entire planet is a wasteland."
She moves her eyes down to the dirt. Then she laughs a little as she thinks about the next thing she's about to say.
"I have to say, I think I prefer the fight for food than algae soup everyday."
The corners of her mouth fall when she realizes how pathetic it is that she's laughing into radio silence. Her eyes look to her criss-crossed legs and then over to the radio base. Can they even hear her? Will she ever know?
Her eyes water as she drops the mic into her lap. She just wants to have a sign. She just wants to hear their voices.
It's painful to think she may never get the chance.