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Namjoon’s in elementary school when he first hears the word “gay”. It’s spoken quietly and judgementally, with a hint of a sneer on his friend’s lips. He doesn’t quite understand at first what his best friend was saying, but nods along like he’s an expert on the topic. And when he gets home, he pieces it together, but still doesn’t understand why his friend had been so hateful about it. What was wrong with liking someone of the same sex?
When he asks his parents about it, you’d have thought he had just admitted to killing someone. Their eyes grow wide and their voices lower as they ask him, where did you hear that term do we need to get you help are any of your friends like that?
Namjoon’s still confused but tells them the honest truth: no, he’s fine, and he heard it at school. They seem to relax a bit and tell him quite clearly that being “homosexual” was terrible and disgusting and definitely not okay. Boys belonged with girls and vice versa. Namjoon can only nod with the blind acceptance of a child, but is still curious and resolves to research it later.
But like young boys do, he forgets the next day, and ends up researching it much later, when he hits middle school and the subject of “homosexuality” comes up again. Rumors of a student at their school coming out as gay was the talk of the town. Namjoon’s old elementary school friend, Sung-min, was bouncing from person to person with the news, not missing a single opportunity to tell others about Seokjin, of all people, saying he liked boys and not girls.
Namjoon doesn’t know Seokjin that well, but he has to admit it’s a bit of a surprise as well. Everyone knows Seokjin as a model student, respectful and quiet and perfect.
Namjoon pushes away the “good-looking” bit that he thinks. That’s gay.
Middle school years fly by, and it’s when highschool hits that he realizes he’s never had a girlfriend, that he’s never really had a crush. And when Namjoon really thinks about it, he realizes he’s never really taken any interest in girls.
The thought scares him a bit, and he doesn’t think he likes guys, but he knows he notices them a bit more than should probably be considered normal. He just hopes that his family doesn’t notice.
Seokjin’s regarded as somewhat of an outcast now, as no one wants to be associated with the “gay” person. Namjoon thinks privately that it’s silly and stupid and wrong. He can’t see how liking guys is wrong or disgusting or anything anyone says it is. And Seokjin looks lonely. Really lonely, actually.
Namjoon makes up his mind to talk to him, and he does, right after biology. Seokjin’s startled but a pleasant smile comes across his face and he happily converses with Namjoon as they walk to the lunchroom together.
Seokjin’s nice, Namjoon thinks. Really nice. How can someone as sweet as him be outcasted just based on who he loved?
Namjoon thinks, and not for the first time, that the world is cruel and unfair.
That year, junior year, of highschool was the best. Namjoon and Seokjin grew closer, and together made some new friends as well. Friends that didn’t care about sexual oreintation or preference, friends that just stuck by you and loved you no matter what. Or in other words, real friends.
Namjoon and Seokjin started to text more, talk more. Seokjin would listen to his long philisophical rants, provide input, and just talk. Namjoon liked that. They would cook together too - which usually consisted of Namjoon spilling milk they needed or picking giant bits of eggshells out of the bowl, but it was fun. Sleepovers and get-togethers were common and sometimes all of them would go over to Jungkook’s house and have movie marathons.
Namjoon didn’t think he liked guys. But he’s starting to doubt that now because whenever he thinks of Seokjin, his heart goes crazy. And he’s never felt that way before, not that he can remember. Seokjin’s laugh, his smile, all his funky mannerisms - Namjoon finds his heart racing when he thinks about them. Maybe he likes Seokjin.
He doesn’t really worry about potentially liking Seokjin, and he reads online that this is a defensive response, i.e, ignoring a situation until forced to face it. It sounds horribly familiar, and maybe it is true. Namjoon dismisses it as another lie of the internet, which is funny because in doing that he’s excecuting this “defensive response” perfectly.
As the schoolyear lags on, Namjoon comes face to face with the fact that he definitely likes Seokjin. But more than that, he thinks Seokjin might like him. It’s a bit jarring and he has to think about exactly what this means for him. On one hand, that’s great and they could end up dating. But on the other hand, Namjoon can’t come out as gay and he doesn’t know if he can handle the stress of being in a secret relationship.
I can’t come out as gay, Namjoon thinks frantically. His brain is going a mile a minute, scanning through every single potential outcome. He doesn’t really care about being an outcast in his school: he’s long since ditched old friends and all his current ones he knows would be very supportive. No, he’s thinking of his parents. Betrayed faces, angry yelling, and the possibility of being kicked out isn’t as unrealistic as he’d like.
And even after he’s already moved out and doing his own thing, his parents still could make him an outcast. He’s seen how some cousins aren’t invited to family get-togethers. He’s heard of arguments and blowouts and the discourse when the father of a certain cousin wouldn’t attend the cousin’s wedding. They were happy and proudly gay but definitely not a part of the family. Namjoon’s family will not forgive him.
He decides to keep it to himself, for as long as he can. He doesn’t need unnecesary trouble and while he does feel a bit guilty for keeping this from even his friend group, he knows this is probably for the best.
But one night he accidentally lets it slip, and it’s to one of the worst people imaginable.
Seokjin. He tells Seokjin.
It’s during a sleepover at Seokjin’s house, and they’re sharing things and suddenly Namjoon just says it. The confession rings out in the small, dark room and Namjoon barely even has time to process what he’d done before Seokjin’s hugging him and whispering congratulations.
Maybe he’s overreacting. Seokjin is definitely not the worst person to come out to, really. His parents would be at the top of that list. But it makes everything ten times harder because now Seokjin might have a sliver of hope that he could actually be with Namjoon, and worst of all, Namjoon has a sliver of hope that he could possibly be with Seokjin.
Namjoon begs Seokjin not to tell anyone and Seokjin solemly promises, knowing full well the struggle of something like this. The younger still feels uneasy about his confession but tries not to worry. Nothing can be changed, now.
It didn’t take a genius to realize that Seokjina and Namjoon were closer than usual best friends. Namjoon tried to hide the fact that he liked Seokjin best he could, but sometimes he just couldn’t help snuggling up to him on the couch, and holding his bag for him still stayed in the waters of “strictly platonic”, right?
Namjoon thinks he can manage. Just suppress his feelings until college, where inevitably they’ll be torn apart and Namjoon will move on (he doesn’t really process what moving on means for him if he’s gay, but that goes back to the “ignoring” tactic). Really, it should be easy enough.
And then Seokjin confesses to liking him and the world turns upside-down.
At first Namjoon just stares at him, like he’s speaking some made-up language. And then it hits him that Seokjin likes him and he’s probably scaring the poor guy and Namjoon doesn’t even stop himself before he admits to liking him as well.
The look of joy on Seokjin’s face is something Namjoon captures in his brain, and is determined to never forget. He’s glad he didn’t reject the confession.
They talk about what this means for them and agree to keep their relationship a secret. While Seokjin’s been out for years now, Namjoon hasn’t even entertained the idea of coming out and is truthfully still trying to come to terms with it himself.
Together they go on small little dates to icecream shops and libraries and the movie theater. Namjoon spends more time at Seokjin’s house (his own house is a no-go, his parents would not be happy if they found out Namjoon was friends with the “gay guy”) and their relationship progresses with time.
It would take a fool to not notice how much they care for eachother, which is why Namjoon’s really not shocked when the group confronts them about it.
They discussed this, thankfully, and so Namjoon’s only a little bit nervous when he confirms that they are, in fact, dating. Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung flip their shit while Hoseok eagerly congratulates them on their “marriage”. Yoongi smiles warmly and congratulates them in his own subdued manner. They’re sworn to secrecy and okay, maybe Namjoon threatened them a little, but with the look on Jungkook’s face, he definitely felt it necessary.
Namjoon could figure things out. This will be okay, he thinks. It will all work out.
Only a week after he tells himself that, his parents find out about Seokjin.
No, they don’t find out about them dating, which Namjoon is eternally grateful for. However, they do find out about the ”best friend” status. Usually they couldn’t care less about Namjoon’s choice of friends, but Seokjin is well-known for his coming out all those years ago. Namjoon’s surprised, really, that they didn’t put two and two together earlier, but seeing Seokjin’s face and hearing the name must have made them realize.
“You will not hang out with Seokjin anymore, do you understand me?” His mother practically yells, fists clenched into tiny balls and so angry that her entire face has gone red.
It’s so incredibly unfair, so stupid, so inane, that Namjoon doesn’t think twice before yelling back that no, he will pick and choose his friends as he pleases and will definitely not stop hanging out with Seokjin, no matter what anyone says.
The fact that he is Seokjin’s literal boyfriend only reinforces this protest, but his parents don’t need to know that. Either way, it’s still wrong to tell your kid who they can or can’t be friends with (especially if that friend is Seokjin, who is the absolute sweetest person to ever walk the earth).
His mother closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and he can see his father’s jaw working back and forth furiously. Namjoon knows he’s stepped way, way out of line. But truthfully? He doesn’t really care.
Suddenly his mother’s looking at him, and she’s dead-on smiling. “If you’re not going to stop talking to him, then I‘ll just reinforce it.”
There’s a silence and Namjoon tries to work out what his mother means. “I never did like his school, anyways,” his father comments, and Namjoon’s eyes crinkle in confusion.
Reinforce it...? What did she- oh. Namjoon’s gripped by a bolt of panic when he realizes that they literally mean that they are going to take him out of his school. And he knows they’re not above that, too - they already didn’t like Namjoon’s choice of school. The only reason he’d been going to his current school was because he’d begged his parents to let him go to school with his current friends.
“No! Please, please let me stay!” Namjoon gets out, grabbing his mother’s arm pleadingly. She looks triumphant, as if she doesn’t really care about how this will affect her son. Because all she cares about is how my friends reflect on her image, Namjoon thinks sourly.
Namjoon can see that her mind’s been made up, though, and she walks away, presumably to go make the new arrangements. “You’re going to be going to that other highschool across town, don’t argue the matter. That school was dreadful... full of homosexuals and it never did have the best repuation...”
Sure enough, the next day he gets an email telling him that he’s registered in Westlake Academy. It’s all he can do to not break down then and there, because all of this is so incredibly unfair and he wonders if his parents even love him. What type of person does this?
He hasn’t responded to any texts or calls on his phone, mostly because he doesn’t feel like it but also because he doesn’t know how to break the bad news to his friends. Or boyfriend.
Namjoon doesn’t know what to do, which hasn’t been a new feeling for him these past few months, but this is bigger than anything else that has happened. Because no matter what happens, his parents will always have an invisible leash on him. Even when he’s out of school he’ll still go to the college they picked, he’ll still have to pick a career that lines up with what they feel is sufficient, and he’ll still have to present himself perfectly. Logically he knows that he could just not do things the way they wanted, but the problem is he wants to be successful and he knows that’s the way to go about it. And, he still has ties to his family. He wants his family to like him. He still wants to be invited to family get-togethers and holiday parties. He doesn’t want to be that family member.
He shouldn’t have let himself get so attached to his friends. Let himself get so damn attached to Seokjin.
His parents have allowed him a day at his (now) old school to say goodbye to teachers and friends. He still hasn’t broken the news to the group yet but they probably already know (his mother’s been practically broadcasting it all over Facebook), so he doesn’t bother to tell them in advance. It wouldn’t matter. It would just cause more hurt, more heartache. Goodbyes are not something Namjoon is fond of.
The more he thinks about the situation, the more he realizes that he has to distance himself from Seokjin. Staying with him would only hurt them both, and Namjoon can’t do a secret online relationship because he just cannot envision it not being a secret. It sucks and Namjoon knows he’s being horrible and cowardly, especially next to Seokjin, who was brave enough to come out in middle school, of all times. Seokjin deserves better, and Namjoon does not deserve Seokjin.
So Namjoon distances himself. They’re on spring break so it’ll be a week until he sees Seokjin and the group at school again. He feels so, so guilty for not responding to any of the messages sent to him, but he knows it’s for the best.
To ensure that he won’t look at the messages, he deletes them. Better safe than sorry.
Going back to school for that final day is weird and heartbreaking and he really just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. Namjoon tells them briefly about what happened and doesn’t miss the infuriated look on Yoongi’s face or the fact that Taehyung’s holding back angry tears. He doesn’t look at Seokjin while he tells them this. He doesn’t know if he can handle seeing the hurt, yet understanding, look on his face.
Namjoon tries his hardest to avoid Seokjin, but they have most their classes together and it’s not that easy. He knows they should probably talk this out (and he knows that’s exactly what Seokjin wants to do) but he can’t bring himself to have that conversation. Seokjin would probably suggest having a secret relationship and Namjoon can’t do that, but he also can’t tell Seokjin that because he doesn’t want to seem like a coward.
Or rather, he doesn’t want to show Seokjin that he is a coward.
People notice, though, and after third period Jimin’s awkwardly confronting him about it and asking if everything was okay. Namjoon shrugs it off and says yeah, he’s fine, but he can tell Jimin’s not convinced.
He isn’t going to see Jimin anymore though, so it’s not like it really matters. Namjoon still can’t help the pang of guilt that goes through him, though, when Jimin’s face crumbles because he’s so obviously been brushed off by his hyung.
Namjoon walks away before he apologizes.
And he walks out of the school before he even says goodbye to anyone.
The entire day, he hadn’t said more than two words to Seokjin.
Namjoon feels like shit.
Fifty-seven missed messages on Namjoon’s phone, and he deletes them all, but not before he sees a message Seokjin sent him.
Am I doing something wrong?
No, Namjoon thinks miserably, I’m the one who’s doing something wrong.
He deletes the message anyway, mostly because deleting messages are much better than blocking people.
He tries to focus on his studies the first day at his new school, which isn’t that hard because it seems like that’s what everyone’s doing here. His teachers are nice enough and it’s really not too bad a place to spend his final year of highschool at, especially if he’s going to get into a good college.
But he doesn’t have the heart to start over and make new friends and get attached to even more people because that’s just too much for him right now. His parents’ leash is so tight on him that he’s practically suffocating, and he isn’t even doing a damn thing about it.
A lot of the time, Namjoon wishes he could run away. Run away with all his friends (especially Seokjin) and start a new life somewhere where people aren’t judgemental and where he’s accepted and where he can just be happy.
But he wants to do that and still be loved by his family, and he doesn’t really know if those two could go hand it hand. He hopes someday they will be able to.
His phone buzzes. It’s another text from Seokjin.
do you hate me?
This time, Namjoon doesn’t delete the message immediately. Instead he stares at it, unwilling to respond, unwilling to delete. Of course Namjoon doesn’t hate him, of course he doesn’t. How horrible does Namjoon have to be to leave Seokjin hanging like that? To just ghost and not give a single explanation as to why Namjoon’s not responding? Namjoon’s not helping Seokjin by doing this. He’s hurting him.
But he isn’t going to see Seokjin, and his parents would be suspicious if he went out at random because he’d made it pretty damn clear that he was not interested in any new friends.
Namjoon has to text him back, has to make it official that they are over. He can’t just leave and expect Seokjin to get the hint. He can’t do that.
i think we should break up
That’s all Namjoon says, and though he knows he shouldn’t, he stares desperately at the screen, waiting for a response. He doesn’t notice he’s crying until a tear hits the screen of his phone with a plink!. Namjoon furiously wipes it away.
Finally, dots indicating that Seokjin’s writing a message. Namjoon prepares himself for an angry message, a paragraph detailing how shitty of a person Namjoon is. But that’s not what he gets at all.
ok. I hope everything goes well with you, Namjoon. i miss you
And that’s it.
Namjoon lets out a strangled cry as he throws his phone against the wall. “Fuck!” He screams, tears streaming down his face and landing on the carpeted floor. Even after he’d been so obviously horrible to Seokjin, Seokjin had still been kind to him. He hadn’t blown up or told Namjoon how angry and upset he was, no, he had simply wished him well and accepted it.
Namjoon sobs as he pulls at his hair. He is to blame for all of this. Seokjin, kind, understanding Seokjin, hurt because of Namjoon’s actions and Namjoon’s words.
Namjoon cries and yells and kicks things, letting out all of his pain and guilt and pent-up rage at everything that has happened this past week. His transfer. Pushing his friends away. Breaking up with Seokjin. His head is starting to hurt from how much he’s cried but he can’t stop it and after trying once to, he doesn’t try again.
Finally his sobs ebb and turn into small hiccups, and hitching, shaky breaths. He definitely has a headache now and it seems to pulse behind his eyes so he closes them in an effort to ease it.
Namjoon’s so tired of this, so tired of everything. He just wants to forget about everything that had happened and start over.
Maybe someday, he’ll be able to come out as gay to his parents. At this point he’s fine if they aren’t happy with it (thinking they would be is just delusional), he just wants to still be loved by them.
Maybe someday he’ll be able to go back to his friends and tell them the full story of what had happened. It doesn’t make his actions or words any better, no, but at least it would give them a hint as to why Namjoon did what he did. Maybe Seokjin would even forgive him.
I just have to push forward for now, Namjoon thinks, put this all behind me.
But some things are easier said than done, which he knows for a fact now. This entire year has showed that.
Maybe someday, Namjoon will be able to put this behind him.
Maybe someday, he‘ll be able to forgive himself.