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Adam slammed the book closed with considerable more force than was necessary. The porch swing wobbled and creaked in protest of the unexpected impact. Opal blinked at him from where she was sitting in the dirt just beyond the porch, lining up rocks and sticks in a pattern that made sense only to her.
“Kerah’s in the blue one”, she said before returning to her work.
Adam already knew Ronan was in the blue barn at the edge of the orchard. The one he seemed to favor when he wanted to be alone without sleeping cows or his father's other dream objects. He’d watched him stomp off in that direction a few hours ago from their bedroom window. Adam had stepped into the bathroom to clean up after a post-lunch tryst and returned to find the bed empty and Ronan gone. Again.
He glanced back down at the book in his lap. He still had four days until he left for his first year at Columbia and he’d finished all his summer reading. Twice. He’d had far more time to read than he’d anticipated the last few days. More time to read, and worry, and miss Ronan already which was ridiculous since they were still living under the same roof. It was starting to piss him off. He’d taken the week off of work for god’s sake - an act that was so against his nature it was almost physically painful. And for what? To spend hours idle and alone, while Ronan made excuse after excuse for needing to be off in the fields or outbuildings by himself?
Adam decided enough was enough.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” he said to Opal. “Did you eat lunch?”
She just blinked at him again. She didn’t seem to need to eat on any sort of human schedule but that didn’t stop him from continually trying. “If you get hungry eat actual food, please. Okay? There are muffins on the counter.” She nodded and he ruffled her hair fondly as he passed and walked on towards the orchard.
The large door to the ramshackle, old barn was wide open. Chainsaw was picking at the grass outside as he approached. She cawed twice then took off towards the house, either sensing the impending argument or just wanting to keep an eye on Opal. Or both.
It took a long moment for Adam’s eyes to adjust to the dim interior once he stepped into the barn. It smelled of hay and dust and rusting things. He eventually made out Ronan’s tall figure at the workbench on the east wall. If he had looked up to see Adam approaching, he’d since gone back to whatever he was working on. Which appeared to be nothing.
“Parrish,” he acknowledged without looking up.
“What are you doing, Ronan? You’ve been out here for hours.”
“Working on shit,” Ronan said, a challenge in his voice.
"Yeah. Really busy, I see.” Ronan didn’t respond. Adam scoffed in frustration. “Jesus, Lynch. I took the week off to spend time with you and I’ve hardly seen you.”
“You getting fucking Alzheimer’s, old man? I was with you in bed not two hours ago.”
“In bed. Exactly. For three days we’ve either been in bed asleep or in bed, very much not asleep, or you’ve been out here, avoiding me. We haven’t spent more than ten minutes together actually upright. We’ve hardly said actual words.”
“You weren’t complaining about it two hours ago.”
“God, Ronan. I’m not complaining about the sex. That isn’t the problem. It’s just that… when we’re done, when we’re not actually engaged in... it - you won’t even make eye contact with me. You’re mopey and angry and… fuck! I’m sick of it.”
"Fine. No more sex for you.” Ronan replied in a monotone.
Adam was sorely tempted to let his frustration rule. If Ronan was going to be a bullheaded toddler about all of this why couldn’t he? He wanted to call bullshit loudly and angrily and accusingly. But he reined it in, forced his voice to be calm.
“Stop being purposefully obtuse. If you’re going to keep avoiding me maybe I should just see if I can pick up a few more shifts at the garage. I know Boyd hasn’t found a replacement yet.”
Ronan didn’t call his bluff. He just leaned heavily on his arms, hung his head and looked defeated. “Is that what you want?”
“No. It’s not what I want. What I want is for you to talk to me.”
Ronan took a deep breath and then shuffled over to where Adam stood next to the large stack of hay bales that filled the center of the barn. He took Adam’s hands in his own and ran his thumbs over the knuckles. Adam braced himself for a confession from Ronan, waited patiently for him to translate his emotions into actual words. After several long moments Ronan took a deep breath… and leaned in to kiss him.
Adam almost, almost let him. It was so tempting. It would be so easy. But, he turned his head at the last moment and tried not to feel terrible about the anguished look on Ronan’s face.
“Don’t, Ro. If you start we’ll just end up back in bed again. I need for you to talk to me.”
Ronan turned to face the hay bales, his fists pressed into them in what must be an itchy and uncomfortable way. His profile was to Adam, his shoulders were hunched up by his ears.
"I hate this,” Ronan finally muttered. “I hate looking at you and knowing that it’s almost… I can’t stop thinking…" He sighed in frustration and turned to look at Adam. His eyes pleaded, ‘don’t make me say it out loud’.
Adam started to doubt his decision to spend the whole week together. He’d meant it as a conciliatory gesture to lessen the blow of his impending departure. And for selfish reasons too. He’d wanted to soak up every minute he could of Ronan and the Barns and Opal, before he left them behind for months at a time. But, a week without school or work was a lot of time. It was a lot of time with a huge, heavy cloud hanging over their heads. Neither of them were great at verbalizing their feelings and the weight of the unexpressed frustration was starting to suffocate. Perhaps it would’ve been better to keep to their routine until the end: long days apart, working; long nights communicating their feelings physically. What good were endless hours of tiptoeing around the inevitable goodbye going to do?
“If this is too hard,” Adam said, softly. “If you don’t want me here you can tell me. It’s a lot, I know.”
Every part of Ronan’s anatomy that was capable of expression, which was considerably more than most people’s, screamed frustration. “No. I want you here. You know I do. God damn it.” Ronan turned his back and stomped away. Adam very nearly threw his hands up in exasperation but realized in the nick of time that Ronan wasn’t just leaving. He stopped at the workbench and pulled a shoe box off a shelf. After removing the lid he stared at the contents for a few moments before reaching inside.
Ronan trudged back to him with something cradled gently in his hands. He held it out for him to take but Adam hesitated, not sure if it was alive. “Fucking take it. Please,” Ronan hissed and Adam was surprised at the urgency in his tone.
Adam took the object but he couldn’t figure out what it was for a long moment. It looked like a large, black egg, about the size and weight of a softball. But the outside was sort of flaky and on closer inspection he saw spindly white roots growing out of the bottom and the start of a thick green shoot at the top. “Is it… a seed?” Adam guessed.
Ronan shrugged. “More like a bulb, I guess.” Ronan sat down heavily on a hay bale, his usually expressive hands slack in his lap. Adam waited for further explanation.
“I had this dream a while back. You and Gansey and Blue all show up here at the Barns sometime in the future. And you’re all dressed up. You and Gansey are in tuxes and Blue is wearing some fancy gown, or whatever, that she’d probably never wear in real life. And you’re all happy and loud coming through the front door, and your smiles.…fuck.” Ronan said with some wonderment. He fell silent for a moment and shook his head, then forced himself to continue. “Gansey’s shoulder brushes up against the wall in the hallway and he comes away with dust covering his sleeve that he can’t brush off no matter how hard he tries. Then, Blue’s skirt catches on a nail and gets torn to shreds. And you… you go to step into the living room but you hit your head on the door frame. The top of it. Like you’ve grown too tall for it or it somehow has shrunk. And then, when you look at me…you…”
Ronan’s voice broke on that last bit and he stopped talking altogether. Adam sat down beside him and gave him time to compose himself. He badly wanted to touch him, comfort him but knew it was best to let Ronan have space on the rare occasions that he was sharing real emotions. “I had that bulb in my hand,” Ronan went on. “I tried to give it to you. It was really important for some reason that you take it. But you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t take it so I woke up with it.
“I know it’s stupid. And really fucking transparent. I know it’s just my insecurities manifesting in that special mindfuckery way that my dreams seem to specialize in. I just…”
“I’m coming back,” Adam interrupted, determined to reassure him. “I already told you. I am.”
Ronan nodded and kept looking at his hands. “I know.”
“It’s not even that long. Fall break is only two months out and then the holidays aren’t far off after that. And you can come see me anytime…” Adam couldn’t disguise the desperation in his voice. “Ronan! Look at me.” Adam turned towards him and put his hands on Ronan’s upper arms. He ducked his head to force Ronan to look in his eyes. When he did the anguished look he gave Adam spelled it all out. Ronan didn’t believe him. He didn't believe him. Adam let his arms drop and felt like he might cry.
Ronan let out a frustrated sound. “This is why I didn’t want to fucking talk about it. I didn’t want you to feel bad for leaving.”
Adam stood. He wanted to put his fist through something. He took a few steps away, his hands wrapped around the back of his head, then let them drop and turned back to Ronan. “Why don’t you believe me? Why…don’t… Isn’t my word good enough for you? Isn’t my love? I believe you when you tell me you love me, that you’ll wait for me. I’m just as capable…” his voice embarrassingly faltered.
Ronan stood too and approached him carefully. “Hey.” His voice was uncharacteristically soft. “I believe you. I do. I just…” He wrapped his hands around the back of his neck and looked up into the rafters of the barn, as if the words he needed were floating up there among the dust motes in the sunlight. “I’m fucking scared, okay? I’m scared you’re going to go off to college and meet all these amazing people that are smart and driven like you. I’m scared you’ll fall in love with the city. I know you'll come back but I’m scared that what you’ve seen out there will change the way you see things here.”
They were silent for a long while. Both of them trying to calm down, to see the issue from the other’s perspective. “Ronan,” was all Adam could manage to say as he processed it all.
“It’s a valid concern,” Ronan insisted. “You’re destined for great things, Adam. There aren’t a lot of great things around here in butt fuck Virginia.”
It was a valid concern. It seemed pretty obvious to Adam now that he’d said it out loud. The dream he described was a pretty direct representation. But it was also completely ridiculous. That anything on the planet could compete with the absolute wonder that was Ronan Lynch was unthinkable. He approached Ronan again and put his hands on either side of his neck and tilted his forehead in until it was resting on Ronan's.
Adam spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. “I didn’t fall in love with you just because you were the first person to want me. The Barns hasn’t started to feel like my home just because it’s the first decent place I’ve had to live. I may not have seen much of the world but I know my own heart. What I feel for you is real. It’s real. That’s not going to change.”
Adam straightened enough to look Ronan in the eye. What he saw was Ronan unmasked. He saw the fear Ronan was normally so careful to hide. But, to his profound relief, he also saw love and tenderness and desperate, desperate hope. Ronan was starting to believe him but words only went so far. Adam retrieved the bulb and took it over to the workbench. He could feel Ronan’s eyes on his back as he found a large clay pot. Ronan joined him and pulled a bag of potting soil off a low shelf. Together they filled the pot and nestled the bulb into the soil.
Adam brushed the dirt off his hands and then lifted himself to sit on the counter next to their handiwork. He tugged on the strap of Ronan’s tank top until he came to stand between his knees. Ronan rested his forehead against his neck and was visibly more relaxed than Adam had seen him in weeks.
Adam grinned down at the small green shoot emerging from the soil. God, Ronan was an incredible creature. Just over a year ago his self loathing had manifested in frightening creatures that sought to kill him. Now, his hope in this budding relationship between them was manifesting in this fragile new growth. Adam’s heart swelled at his vulnerability. It was too much to acknowledge out loud.
“I’m not sure I trust that thing to be in the dorm with me. Is it going to grow into some huge vine that strangles my roommate in his sleep?”
“Only if he’s a dick,” Ronan replied, muffled in Adam’s shoulder.
Adam huffed out a small laugh. “Drive me to New York on Sunday?”
Ronan pulled away and looked at him questioningly. “I thought you just wanted me to drive you to D.C. to catch the train?”
“I can’t very well take that on the train can I? Besides, my first days there won’t feel real unless you’re with me to see it too. We could even go a day or two early and you can show me the City.”
“I haven’t been there since I was thirteen.”
“So, show me what you remember. We can discover the rest together.”
Ronan looked at him for a long moment. He then shrugged a shoulder and mumbled, ‘kay’ but Adam could see the smile that was threatening to stretch across his face.
“Okay,” Adam echoed, smiling himself. “But, you have to promise that when we meet my roommate, or anyone that I’ll be in school with, you’ll be civil.”
“I’m always perfectly fucking civil,” Ronan argued, then gave a sharp bite to Adam's jawline just to be contradictory.
Adam laughed and shook his head fondly, then pulled Ronan in for a kiss. Ronan responded enthusiastically.
Before they could get too carried away Opal trotted into the Barn. “Gross,” she muttered in a very Ronan-like way.
Adam laughed lightly against the stubble on Ronan’s cheek.
"Shut up, brat,” Ronan said but there was fondness and pride in his voice. “Hey. What do you think about driving Adam up to school? We could see where he’s going to be living.”
Opal looked at them both grumpily. She was not a fan of driving in cars. "Do they have sticks there?”
Ronan rolled his eyes. “It’s a city with mostly buildings and people but they have parks and shit.”
Opal was clearly unconvinced. “Can I stay with Gwenllian instead?” she pouted.
Ronan looked to Adam to answer. It meant saying goodbye even sooner but picturing Opal in New York City, or even worse, his dorm, was daunting. “Yes, you can stay. But promise you’ll let me finish reading that Harry Potter book to you before I leave.”
“Promise," she answered gleefully and skipped back out of the barn. Adam was overcome with how much he was going to miss her. Ronan turned back and must have caught the sappy look on his face. He kissed him very tenderly.
And then again a little more hungrily. And again.
“Want to go back to the house?” Adam asked, already letting his mind race to all the things he wanted to do once they got there.
Ronan pulled away a bit and hesitated. “Yeah," he murmured but wouldn’t meet Adam’s eye. Adam reached for his chin and tilted his head up to force him to. Ronan scowled but Adam could tell it was to cover up something else. “It’s just… one more thing.” Ronan muttered. Adam waited patiently, his thumbs stroking the claws and curls of his tattoo on the side of his neck. “You know I love it here. The Barns. But, I don’t have to… to always fucking live here. I’ll always have it, for us to come back to. But if you do fall in love with the City. Or if you get offered some amazing opportunity…. I just don’t ever want you to feel like you have to choose between me and whatever else you want to do."
“I’d always choose you,” Adam said, knowing it was true down to his very bones.
“That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t want you to have to choose. I’d come with you or whatever. I don’t want to hold you back.”
Adam considered this for a moment. He honestly couldn’t think of anything that would tempt him away from everything he had here. But he could see it was important to Ronan that he agree. “Okay.”
“Promise me you’ll at least ask me. That you won’t pass on something because it isn’t close to the Barns. Or that you won’t…fuck… you won’t leave me because you think I’m permanently tied here. Just…”
“Ro…"
“Just promise.”
It was an easy promise to make. But he was frustrated at Ronan’s continued insecurities. “I promise.” Adam answered. “If you’ll promise me something too. That you’ll believe me when I say I’m in this as deep as you are. That I’m going to fucking miss you every bit as much. That I need to go away to school but I WANT to come back to you and Opal and the Barns. That I will always want to come home.”
“Home?” Ronan echoed but his expression was carefully blank.
Adam blushed. Maybe it was presumptuous but if he was being honest with himself and Ronan, he’d already started to think of this place as home. Of Ronan and Opal as family. “Home,” he insisted.
“Home.” Ronan smiled and it was sharp and wild and true. “I promise.”